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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (March 17, 1889)
THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY , MARCH 17. 1889.-SIXTEEN PAGES. IN THE BARBER'S ' HANDS , Peoullnrltioo of Onmhona Whou In * vltlnpr an Artlotlo Bbavo. SOME CURL-PAPER MUSTACHES. t _ Tlic Mnn AVIm Talks , Bnioh.cn , Gronnn linuRhs , Grumbles nnil Bleeps \Vlil1o Under the Olld- Inc Steel. In tlio Harbor's Chnlr. There are people In this world to whom the Bitting in a barber chair , while being shaved by a capable barber , is one of tlio greatest pleasures which can bo experienced. There uro others whoso experience in the chair is abso lute torture. These varying sensations , ip the main , govern the peculiarities which individuals display while in the 'hands of the barber , borne of these peculiarities are hero noted by report ers of Tun Bui : as the result of their observation in several of the tonsorlal palaces of this city : At Morrcll's W. II. Holcombo says : "Bo careful of ray face. Don't go ngaln&t the grain. Bathe it in hot water and lot mo go. " Tom Orr says , "Once over , comb my hair dry , am in an awful hurry. " John Wakofiold says "I want a close ehavo , and curl my moustache. " Fred Millurd says "Give mo another one of these five-minute shaves. " J..TOO. Oarncau always has a funny Btory , wnntH u very tender shave and talks the barber to death about base ball. ball.Gene Houghton gets It once over , combs hair dry und has nick-names for the barbcrH. John Wilbur says "ICO. " H. C. Dates shaves every day and is very particular. Dr. Gluck exclaims "Nothing on my hair and cosmetic on my moustache. " J. E. Markoll ejaculates "Cut a hair ' off my whiskers and you will got thirty days. " * Bon B. Wood always waits for the same barber and is very particular. Milton Barlow cautions the barber to go very light ; "I'm afraid of you fol lows. " ' J. S. Collins hates to get shaved by young barbers , becaubo they look out doors too much' Ha shaves close and three times a week. C. K. Collins Stiff beard , hard to shave , but easily pleased and gets scraped Monday , Wednesday and Sut- vurday. / K. W. Nash says : "Givemo a shave and sea-foam , quick. * ' Guy C. Barton's order is : "Give mo the best looking man in the shop ; well , I guess you'll do ; shave twice over and very easy. " J. A. Munroo whispers : "Once over , no bay rum , no powder , nothing on moustache , comb my hair dry. I'm always waysin a hurry. " I. W. Miner Just as close as you can got it. What do you think about the Grand , anyway ? Ed Williams wants the barber to spare whatever hair is loft on top of his head and talks prohibition. Frank Parinoleo says : "Just ns close as you can get it and look out for that bump on the side of my face. " w Lou Bradford wants a very tender bhave , and aln ays complains about the hair standing up on the back of his head. O. S. Montgomery shaves three times a week , sea foams once , combs his hair drv and has very little to say. William Wallace wants a smooth shave and no extras. Fred Motz gets shaved every other flay close , has all the extras. Bob Garlich sits crooked in the chair and says "look out for my chinchillas , " and calls everybody in the shop "Old Sport. " Euclid Martin always says ; "I'm waitIng - Ing , " and wants his mustache curled. E. H. Sherwood inquires : ' 'Is this Henry's day oil ? " Not very particular , shaves once over. Jamus Casey "When does the help comoln ? " , Eon Newman exclaims : "Oh , cut that hair a little bit there , clip my neck and brush it forward. Harry Hall shaves throe times a week and takes great pride in his goatoo. A. L. Strang is easy to please , wants p , smooth shave and bay rum/ ijJColonoL Hooker fiercely exclaims : jlTrim { { mv whiskers , and if you go one hair too deep. It will cost you your life. " J. E. Boyd shaves once over , very , light , andsavs : "Look out for that mole on my chin. ' ' } C , N. DoltIs very particular and al- ymys wants the boss' to work on him. At ChrisWooloy'tf , A7 B. Smith , the hpavy-wolght assistant general freight n&ront of the Burlington , shaves daily and is particular to have all but a Rus sian mustache and goatee kept beneath the surface. You have obsprved the ' , gen tool curl on his mustache. Well , ho has the barber do his mustache up in paper , and this is Dow the natural curl is mailo. Ho is very particular about his mustache and has no regard for time when the tonsorial artist Is mowing , hira. hira.Frank Frank Ilanlon is somewhat particular about his moustache , hut is much more BO about his face. Ho is powdered , on- nmoled , has a goodly quantity of brilliantine - liantino lavished upon his moustache. It is not uncommon for him to doic into a lethargic utato while being toileted and to wake up and find that ho has gained another round on the ladder ol porpotuul beauty. Wore it not for the iron clad rules governing barber shops he would undoubtedly move into a chair RS ho invariably falls asleep while being - ing festooned. * John A. Crolghton gets to the shop regularly throe times each week ; me anders to n chair , at cuso and locating his foot at a llfty-two degree anglo loans back und prepares for u joint ses sion day ana night. Ho takes great pride in his beard whic'i is long and silvered and when this U locked after he gazes at his retlcction In the mirror and guides the barber in cUrllng his locks , One hair out of place Crolghton attracts his attention and the barber must put it straight. Ho is un inveterate joker and keeps the waiters and barbers in a roar. Tom Miller is not much of n dude. Flo keeps his beard shaved close and has his moustache trained weekly with a pair of clip pers. He is patient and somewhat enduring and it is not an uncommon thing for him to bo enjoying a good sleep when the barber cries "Noxti" Max Meyer is always in u hurry. Ho rushes into the shop , jumps into the llm vacant chair and shouts "ready. ' Ho is u bomi-wcekly patron of long Louis II , Korty wears an Archibald curve on his moiitlnoho and has a goatee ruaombllng un tmt hill. Hushing into the shop , ho instructs the barber to go over bin face twco , Hu never fahavcs flee and doc * nut wall U ) put Ills fcotuj on the iiitlikpoiituhlo tool , Ills board in heavy und uvurv tltnu a Imir U lopped t > f tit > K < ! V' I limtniinoHt ringB IlKo " I * KiwUJl I * H regular wit- ron , hut.novor Affords the barber an op portunity ot using the razor because ho never shaves. Ho walks to the shop in his usual town clock gait , and while the barber is ut work pruning his locks Kimball is hard at work reducing a fra grant cigar lo ashes and smoke. Klin- ball docs not have his whiskers done up with hairpins , ns many might imagine , but occasionally has his barber round up the hairs with his miniature prun ing knlfo so as to bring them within the statute of limitation. Adam Snyder is a regular p atron drops in the chair , puts his foot up nnd Blnks into innocuous desuetude. Ho forgets nil business troubles , nnd ns the artistic twist is put on his moustache ho smiles with the reflection of n Gebhrmlt. Snyder always has his hair cut close. Ho likes a close shave and takes great pMdo in having his goatee trained with a base ball curve. E. Buckingham says : "Thoro now , just bring down that instrument once more nnd then sot mo out on the next siding. OUchl lot up there , you have got my whiskers crossed ! Go easy , old boy , you are getting a winter's crop. " Bob Baxter says : "You see , now , Hint I have got a Turkish twist here on this upper lip shndo. Well , just keep up that curve and you and I are friends. It caused mo a deal of trouble to got this thing groomed to my satisfaction. " At Pole and Fred Elsassor's. Philip Andres always goes to sloop while ho is being shaved , and although his beard is the toughest to remove in the city , ho docs not mind the dullest of razors while in thu arms of Morpheus. John C. Cowin gets shaved every day and is particular about having his hair cut long and having the "part" just above his right car. David Kaufman's board is the despair of the barbers and generally takes the edge off of four razors ; nevertheless ho gets shaved every day. Jack Woods also gets shaved every day anfl wants a Turkish bath thrown In. Ho makes the barber scrub his face with hot water and dry it with a warm towel. Joe Miller gets shaved throe times a week and though ho is always in a hurry generally finds time to stand and talk awhile after getting out of the chair. Colonel Floyd gets shaved every day and is particular to have his hair parted in the middle. Ho does not approve of Cowin's stylo. John L. Webster always wants to rend the newspapers while ho is being shaved and insists on sitting bolt up right in the chair , much to the tonsorial - rial artist's inconvenience. Jolt Bedford gets shaved every day nnd ns hq wishes to grow a moustache after the Logan style he has much trou ble with his barber who insists on shav ing off the stubble from the corner of his mouth. Senator Paulson always makes a bar gain with his barber to shnvo him within a certain timo. If the barber exceeds this , Paulson gets shaved for nothing , but if the job is completed in side of the prescribed time the senator pays double price for it. Pat Mostyn , like Jeff Bedford , wants to grow a moustache on the Logan pat- txjrn , and ho too has great trouble with his barber over it. C. A. Baldwin says there is but ono barber in the world , and that is Pete Elsnsser. Pat Hcafy always wants his moustache curled and invariably patronizes the sickliest looking barber. Jack Dolau used to have his snowy locks grow long , but of late has boon seized with a mania for having them cropped short. He is fond of a contrast of colors and wears his hair white and board black. Isaac Hascall always wants a prize fighter's cut to his hair , and in the coldest of winter invariably wears it close clipped. Ho delights in a stubby beard of about three days' growth , but never lots it grow any longer. Chief Soavey always wants the bar ber to saturate his hair with tonic whenever - over ho gets shaved. Ho docs not dye his whiskers as is popularly supposed. Chief Galligan is very particular about his shave and gives-1 his orders as peremptorily ns though ho were com manding tlio fire brigade. He fre quently jumps from the chair half shaved to rush to a flro , but always pays the barber full price just the same. W. H. McCord has ono fault to find with all.tho barbers ; they do not shave him close enough. Captain Corraick takes a bath prelim inary to every shave. Ho dislikes a oloso rue ; although n "pooler" ho ob jects to being pooled. Billy Ingram is very particular about the curl of his mustache , and always wants to bo shaved with a white han dled razor. Ho is silent as to his reason for the latter idiosynoracy. John Drcxol gives the barber a stiff every time ho goes into n shop. Ho gets shaved whenever ho takes a notion , sometimes being in thnt frame of mind every day and at other times only throe times a week. Ho takes a bath about every other time ho gets shaved. At Magnor's ,7. H. Lichtonbortror , shaves three or four , and frequently five times a week ! The most skillful barber.it is.said , finds it difficult to shave ' 'Lichty" satisfactorily , owing to tlio incessant 'wigging of his tongue. Magrnor has discarded the ra/or with this patient and now uses a ainiill lawn mower. A. L. Brison is in the chair dully. He is ono of the most pirticulnr men in the city. Barbers dread his appearance. Ho is a great joker 'and laughs so much they are afraid of cutting his throat. Warren Rogers is another punctilious customer. Ho it , razored dally , and it gives him the night sweats to think of n bowhiBkored face. Ho will go down to his graVe ns clean shaven as a door knob. knob.W. W. F. Boohol shave * three times a week , and would shave oftener if ho worn't In such a hurry. Ho takes a close scrape in his'n. E. Dickinson shaves as regularly as the cock crows , throe times a week. His shaves are al.vnys light. Ho is more particular about his ambro sial locks than ho is about his faeo. Ho keeps them out just about so short , and has them dressed with a nicety that is most attractive. J. J , Philbln is proud of his cherubic visage , and keeps it absolutely destitute of hirsute ornamentation. lie crystnl- ized a barber in Cheyenne , three years ago , for leaving three hairs protruding irom under his loft auricular. Harry Douol is ono of the best-known customers in Omaha. Has shaved every day for twenty years. It is said ho would go stark cnuy if ho missed a day. Ho not only wants a close shave , but everything he can got for fifteen cents , head rubbed , neck washed , nnd it wouldn't surprise the barber if lie wanted a Turkish butli thrown in. Dr. E. W. Lee is very erratio. and shaves only when ho has time. Some times every day , then , again not for a week , nnd "only once over. " Barbers light to unit on him , ho's so suave and smooth nnd nlco. Once in a while ho "tins" hU man. " El illy Thompson is on hand regularly every morning. Ho allows no man to Blmvo him but Mngnor , The bete noir of his life is a new barber. In the sac charine hereafter Manner Buys Billy will uhiivo twice a day. He is what the jwrtor ciillB u "cuckoo. " THE END-MAN IN HIS GLORY , Negro Mlnstrolny a Quarter of n Century Ago. MONEY FLOWED FREELY THEN. All the Hoys Were Diamonds , Drank the ChotccHt Wlilnky nnd Smoked tlio Host Clr nrs Some Old- Ximo Reminiscences. The Days of Burnt Cork. I often hour the question asked , "Wlmfhas become of M thb old negro minstrel men of twenty-live years ago. " It is a hard question to answer. Many ot them arc dead , others have gone into other and more ronumoratlvo business , while some are worse than dead. The min strel business Is not what It was twenty or twonty-flvo years ago. The same may bo said of the legitimate drama. Back In the early sixties there were ton " " the road companies or "troupes" on whore there is'ono now. And it was truly a badly managed and very snide affair that didn't pay extravagant sal aries , besides hotel , railway and other expenses which were about twice as largo ns at the present time , and leave the proprietor a handsome sum at the close of the season. Negro minstrelsy was then all the rage with show going people. Companies were located per manently in Now York , Philadelphia , Chicago , Boston and Cincinnati and did well financially. While Louis- vlllo , Cleveland , Indianapolis , Col umbus and other cities of the same sixo were considered good week stands. Any city of from live to eight thousand was with very few exceptions , good for two or three nights , and the shows were patronized by people in all walks of life. In New York while the opera and drama scarcely paid expenses. Birch & Back ers , Dan Bryant and Butler at 444 Broadway turned people away. Hart Ryman & Barney at the Glebe has full houses every night. The best people of Boston dropped the regular theatres for Morris Brothers. P ll & Trow- bridge. Chicago , gave the legitimate the "shako" for Emerson , Allen and Manning. The regular houses in Phil adelphia barely paid oxponbes while Simmons & Slocum , Carncross & Dixie and ono or two other companies fairly coined money. Money was plenty in those days , and every member of the profession that was'anybody , wore diamonds. Every negro minstrel , irrespective of talent or goodfollowship , was hail-follow-well- jnet everywhere. It was an era of petit noms. It was Jimmy here. Bobby there , and Johnny everywhere. After the evening performance twontylivo cent whisky , and Havanas at three for a dollar lar , were free as water to the minstrel boys. Though there was nothing to speak of "in the soup , " every old dusty "chestnut" had its market value , and they came high , too , age and condition not'considered. . Every end man and banjo picker could count his "mashes" by the score , though they did not call it by that name then. "Billy Emerhon" and men of liKe calibre made fortunes und dropped them. Happy Cal Wag ner left the locomotive , Arlington the anvil , and Manning the hack to take up the burnt cork. They became popular and wore quickly followed by others with widely varying successes. The minstrel mo'n of early days was not edu cated and rollnod men. Fully two thirds of them were illiterate and the other third "wouldn't set the river on fire , " though a few of thorn were shrewd enough to make a "pile" and keep it. It was astonishing how quickly any funny thing said by an end man would feproud and become a by-word. Lot one of them sing a catchy comic song , no matter how silly the words , and next day half the city would bo humming it. Was there ono city boy twenty years ago that wouldn't saw wood all day and pass half the night oqploring neighbor ing backyards in search of copper boil ers und scrap iron enough to raise the necessary half dollar to pay his way into the "nigger show. " The "juirade" was more of an advertising feature then than it is to-day. When Blackup & Blow- horn's All Star minstrels would strike the town everybody , of course , wouid turn out to witness the grand "parade , " which would start from the hall at a certain hour. It would-nine times out ten , consist of bass and snare drum , with three or four brass horns' and a pair of cymbals , the bass drummer play ing the cymbals , of course. If the weather was fine , and no mud , they would take the middle of the street. But it it was muddy they would march on the sidewalk. This was a source of great annoyance to the bass drummer. It would bo all right , maybe , at the start , but after keeping pretty well up for a block or" two. ho would , owing to the crowded condition of the sidewalk , bo compelled to fall behind. So when the head of the band would bo ton blocks away from the hall , ho would bo at least live blocks behind. Bass drum mers who had boon In town before , and know the line of march , would always skip up a bide street and catch the rust of the gang as they came down the next street always keeping time. Should a' bilbo drummer got out of time , even un der such trying circumstances , it is safe to say ho would never hear the last of it if , indeed , ho escaucd bodily harm at the hands of the outraged manager. Negro minstrel managers , a quarter * of a century ago , were enterprising nnd full of nerve. George Christy took a company to England and succeeded far beyond his own vivid expectation. John and Mrs. Bull and the young Bulls went to see the Yankees' play negro. They saw them , and were nearly tickled to death , Christy and his counterfeit Africans made the beef-eaters laugh. They wanted to laugh more , so Pony Moore and others fol lowed , All took well , and solid Eng- , llbh shillings and pounds rolled into the cash boxes of the Yankee managers. Even to-day , curious ab it may seem to Borne , every miubtrel performer in England , outside of London , is called iv "Christy minstrel , " though thoChrlstys have boon dead foi years. Gradually the minstrel began to lose "caste. " Everything was overdone. Slim houses were the rule. Companies began to go to pieces before the season was half over. Many performers loft the traveling companies and took to the variety stage. Lyilla Thompson came across the Atlantic with her blondes. Other companies of the same ilk quickly followed. The drama and the opera took a firmer hold. Variety theaters sprung up like mushrooms. Dime museums , roller rinks ana spelling boos loomed up as counter attractions. Minstrelsy had lost its hold. These of the profession being unahlo to secure engagements in variety theaters , left their diamonds and other valuables with their "uncle" for safe keeping , drank cheaper whisky and commenced mapping out lunch routes. Something must bo done , and done quickly. Gen eral Jack Havorly came to the rescue by corralling all of the best unemployed talent , and springing upon the public what was then billed ns "Ilavorloy'u Mustodou Minstrels ; 10 count 'ouiID. . " Instead of simply bnnesiryid ( tambo , ns of old , Havorloy inlrodlM a | his eight "eminent" end men , the end men sit ting in chairs , the rest of the crowd roosting on etop-laddorsjU the back of the singe. ' Mastodon Jack's big company "took" for a while like hot peanuts. Other managers commenced to ransack the country for talent. Everything was to bo big. Big blowing , big show , big plug hats , big drumi , big advertising , big talk , big lies. Uvoryjhing was big as time lias shown but salaries and receipts. Somebody else 'rind Billy Em erson started on the road fifty strong. Oomobody rented the old National theater at Cincinnati , engaged every "ham" and unemployed song-and-danco man ho could find. Ho advertised on alargo scale. There were to bo seventy- five in the first part , including ton end- men , among whom were Jenny Allen and a few other "old-timors. ' ' It waste to bo n monster affair. The biggest first part , and biggest olio over soon on any stage. They opened ns advertised , with a house somewhat top-heavy , but receipts were largo enough to encour age both manager and performers. The curtain rose on the biggest and black est first part over viewed with human eyes. They sat in rows , ton rows high. The base drummer was up in the flies and the base fiddler was stationed in the alloy back of the theater. The stage was reasonably roomy , but there wasn't nn Inch to spare. The overture was passable. The opening chorus was flue and well received. But as cruel fate would have It , Johnny Al len told the first gag. It came near to getting him torn to shreds on the spot. Ho had worked the old shignon gag. The same audience had brained three variety men , for the same offoiibo. with in a year , and they weren't going to stand it now. The police finally re stored order , and the funeral proceeded. A "ham" on the bone end then sang Root-Hog-or-Dio. An indignant mur- 1110 r ran through the crowd , but as no body said or did anything very throat- oiling the first part wont on without further Interruption and finally came tea a close. After a long wait the curtains rose for the olio. Insult was added to injury. Signer Gustavo Bldoins boldly and brazenly stopped from the wings and prepared to perpetrate a base outrage the bills called it a bass , viol solo. The suffering audience know what was com ing and resolved to choke the signer off. And with a yell they made for him. Ho , not wishing to argue the point , made for the stage door , followed closely by the entire company , still in evening dress and costume. There were no casualties , the bass fiddle cxcoptcd , which was smashed all Into smither eens. The instrument had boon bor rowed from "Uncle' ' Mike Lipman , the well known pawnbroker , for the season , and had to be paid for. But the inujj- ngomont was ahead , from the fact that the company never cam'O back after their salaries and personal offiucts. The minstrel business was ovprdono. Skiff & Gaylord's , ono of the be t drawing companies on the road , lost prestige and was finally forced to disband because the management wasn't willing to lot well enough alone. They cauio out with the "Great Albino Minstrels. ' . ' Some thing now , but differing from the old only in matter of color. They blacked up with whiting , and used white wigs instead of the black , kinky article. They sung the sama old songs and told the same old gasrs in the. same old nigger dialect. What could ba more ridiculous and absurd'/ Havorly made money out of the Mas todons , but us n general thing the largo organizations did not ipay and woro. after n season or two , given up as un profitable. To-day there is not more than throe or four firrit-ejuss or refined companies on the road , with maybe half a do/.on "snaps. " Minstrelsy has lost nearly if not all of its old 'features. The old-time performance was , as a well- known southern writer truthfully says , "a burlesque upon a burlesque , " a coarse , jumbled up and ofttimcs silly en tertainment , given by a lot of men from all walks of lifo , with little or no stage training , some of whom were oven too ignorant and obtuse to make any ad vancement , all because tlio public didn't complain , and anything would go. But , everything has changed. The minstrel performance of to-day is a refined en tertainment , free from anything approaching preaching coarseness or vulgarity , and given by witty , talented , genteel men true artists. Of the old-time minstrel men who wore well-known and popular a quarter of a century ago , but few are now alive , Dan Bryant died in Now York years ago. as did Nelso Seymour , Nowcomb and Eph Horn. Billy Mori-is died years ago. John Unsworth , G. W. H. GrifHn , Hy Rumsoy , Charley Backus , Gaylord. Billy Manning , Bob Hart and many others for whoso names I have not space , are dead. Nearly all of them made big money in the business , but djed poor. They were a good lot of fol lows , open-hearted and generous to a fault. Peace to their ashes. A few have gone over to the legitimate , and are doing well. Quito a number arc gain ing fame and fortyuo on the variety stage. Some are engngod in business , and many unable to bhako off some of tho. old habits acquired in more prosperous - porous convivial days , uro making _ fast time on the downward road. Fifty cats perished In u llro in Scloto town ship , Ohio , the other iluy. A lobster us blue as indigo WAS captured Saturday lu Fisher's Island sound , Conn. It U reported from Kush Valley , Utah , that a mine of natural shoa blacking has been dis covered on u mlna there. Mrs. Pauline Kinjj , or Springfield , 111. , Is said to have fasted forty days , and yet con tinued to do all her housework. The hair of King Otho of Havariu , re cently turned white in a night , and two ser vants have to support him wherever ho ROCS. A log , i-ut lately on the line of ino North ern Pacific railroad , In Washington , was nearly eight feet six Indies In diameter. It was taken from a spruce tr6o 1 1X1 feet high A whale , ninety feet long1. th6 llrst scon there In twenty years , lately Svont aslinro In the Cniionhugen Sound , and was killed. Its skeleton is to bo forwarded to thu Copenha gen museum. 1 , < A duck was killed In SpotUylvnnla courUy , Virginia , which had a nail < two < iuehcs long protruding through the frizwird into the en trails. It seemed to causo'tho duuk no In convenience , us It was lively' as a cricket before killed. J ' fore it was A tram of seven Pullman sleepers Jumped a broken rail on the Pennsylvania railroad , near Altoomi , on Monday , and ulter running on the tics for several hundred -foot regained the track again and wont dashing along , without doing any damage. , TUo train was running at the rate of thirty-live uiilestm hour. In a justice court at Bristol , N. II. , the other day a dwatf , four feet in height , was tried for an assault on a wlx-footor weighing 200 pounds. It appeared in evidence that tbo little fellow loaned the big fellow somu fish lines , which were kept a year , and then in response to a suggestion forthclr retura. cotton twlno , with bent pin hooks , were sent In their place , The next time they met the little follow gave the big fellow what the neighbors called a "llckin' , " and the ilsh lines came back. The defense was "provo cation , " and the justice dismissed the case. The admiring spectators promptly paid the little fellow's expenses. Sudden changes of temperature and humidity of the atmosphere often pro duce disorders of the kidneys and blad der. Use Dr. J. H. McLean's Liver and Kidney Balm to check tbcbo troubles iu their iuclplcucy. HE JOKED ON HIS DEATHBED Poor Phil Woloh Made "Sunbeams" in a Hospital. SELLING TICKETS FOR PRAYERS' Extraordinary Scheme of A London Chnrch ' Venerable Piuipowi Elope Bulolilod From Plquo , Married on the Hun. The Curious Side of tilfo. In its obituary on Philip H. Welch , the humorist , who died of cancer re cently , the Now York Sun says : The opoi-ntlon by which ho lost his tongue was performed nearly throe years ago. It 16ft him able to talk , but , of course , very imperfectly like a tongue-tied person. Two years passed and last sum mer another cancer formed , this time on his chest. Again the surgeons wont at him , knife in hand , and again Welch appeared at the Sun olllco after a fort night's illness. "Old fellow , " said a friend , "how nro the jokes coming now ? Are you not opressed to find that you wore not cured , after all , by the first operation , and that cancer is still'In your system ? " "Depressed ? " said the humorist. "I was horribly depressed , so horribly that I had to turn my whole attention to writing jokes. I wrote more jokes and nnulo more money while I was lying abed recovering from this hist opera tion than I over wrote in tlio same length of time before. 1 had to do It. I did not dare to think of mybolf. " Hero is a joke written from the hospi tal and sent to the Sun : M'OU.ii > 11V TIMIJ. Free Lunch Expert ( to bartender ) Them cucumbers nlii't as fresh as thuy might be , Mr. llnrbcep. Unrtendcr They were fresh enough when you boRan on the lunch , but how long tlo you expect cucumbers to icinain fresh I Hero is another : M.nm.r.ss AXMHTV. Mr. HiKUtona Ho.illy , my dcnr , I wish yon would not expose yourself so much at the party to-night. Mrs. Hlghtone No , love , I shan't ; I aui Koing to weur gloves up to tlic elbows. Fancy that coming from under a surgeon's knife , written by n man in the very bloom of life lying in a hos- pitiil , knowing ho miibtsoon die , think ing of the world he loved and yet must soon leave , of his wife and the two charming little girls that on sunny mornings always tooic a hand of his , one on either side'for a walk out of doors. What bdcomos of the pictures Dickens drew of the clowns who bounded on the stage or In the ring to hide their grief over some one's sickness or death ? A score of great writers have dwelt on sucli phases in the lives of public per formers , but what arc all their stories as compared with the facts about Phil WatchV Ho was of an acutely sensitive temperament ; it was his own body that was lacerated , his own mind that was torn , and instead of brilliant lights and roirs of laughter and applause to bolster him up , bo saw hospital waljs and hospital beds while ho cracked his jokes witli his pencil. An old gentleman named Smith of Falls township wont to Za/nesvillo , O. , recently and bought a collln , paying $50 for it and taking u receipt. The coilln is to bo delivered when ho dies. Ho then visited the marble works and se lected a monument , for which he paid $70. Ho is wealthy and in good health but declares ho fools much bettor now that lie has those little matters attend ed to. Some of the Catholics of New York city are much annoyed over an extraor dinary demand for donations that is being promulgated by ' 'The Now Church of the Great Patriarch of St. Joseph , Highgatq Hill , London. " The appeal comes in the form of circulars addressed "To All Catholics. " These circulars , it is said , are being widely distributed in the United States. They explain in detail a scheme by which every subscriber of sixpence will have a share in the perpetual prayers and masses of the church. There is a plan of ticket and coupon , by which the per- bon who buys the ticket has the name of the person or matter , to bo prayed for written in the coupon , so that when the coupon hooks arc returned to the church tjio record will bo complete. An eminent Catholic theologian of Now York was uSkod if the Roman Catholic church of America approved of such a scheme for raising money. "Emphatically no. " ho replied , and then quoted an extract from the decrees of tlio council of Baltimore. Wo all know the Wicked Cousin w ho forges the signature of the Dying and Paralytic but Vory0Amiablo Lady to a will as well as that of Another Near Relative , who conveniently dies within a few days of the lady , says the St. .T.imos Giv/otto ; nor are wo ignorant of the Virtuous and Intelligent Lawyer who in duo time produces the true will , ousts the Wicked Cousin who has al ready taken possession , and brings upon him the oilicoM of tno law. Wo should bo doing injustice to our many brilliant writers to deny our acquaintance with all those. But wo confess we wore somewhat surprised to meet them all In a law court , behaving for all the world as if it wcro n shilling shocker or a lo'- gitimato melodrama. Caroline Morgan died on the 2d of February , 1888 ; Sam uel Morgan forged her name to a will which ho dated the 20th of January , 1888 , together with that of his uncle Joseph Morgan , "who died on the 120th of that month , Hu got his false will proved , and entered into posocssion as soon as possible : but a lowyor came for ward with a will dated R few days be fore , and it was proved that at the time when the one which is now pronounced to have been forged was dated the forger could not huvo been with Miss Morgan , and if ho had boon she could not have signed her name , as she was utterly disabled by a paralytic stroke' . So it. was decided by Mr. Justice Butt that Samuel Morgan had no right to the 2,000 ; "Instead of which" ho gets ( at the instigation of the treasury ) n term of bevon years' penal servitude , Two young trnirips at Glenn's Ferry attracted attention last wcolc , both be ing very young , and one looking like n girl , says the Salt Lake Tribune , Being questioned , they said they wore from Sioux City , Towa , and owned that the smaller was u girl , but they wanted to marry. So a wedding was got up for thousand they wore married and will bo given work there , though they Bald they started for Washington territory. The story told of the Gorman maiden and the boss plumber who spent their courting nights in innocent slumber in their chairs , was paralleled in myexpo- rionce , for one of the young women in my list of sweethearts used to tell mo that her sister hud u beau , u fanner , who always fell asleep soon nftor ho hnd come to see her , writes Julian Ralph in the Epoch. Ho hnd done a hard day's work on the farm , and she had boon tircsomoly employed in the house. Neither ono had anything to converse about , EO when lie feu asleep she set tled herself for a nap , and whichever ono woke first awakened the other , thereupon the young farmer bade the young lady good Highland wont away it might bo 11 o'clock or it might bo 8 o'clock In the morning. The London tarS thus describes the opening day of the trial of Bishop King , now in progress in London : "Mr. Edward White , by Divine Prov- donco Lord Archbishop of Canterbury , Prlmato of all England and Metropoli tan , " in an oniclal citation summoned the Right Rev. Dr. King , bishop , to ap pear before htui at Lambeth Palace to day. Dr. King Is charged with burning candles in nn unorthodox fashion , for standing on the west when ho ought to have boon on the north of the holy table , for describing a cross by the movements of his hands , and perform ing various ritualistic genuflexions and papistical practices calculated to im peril Anglican orthodoxy and under mine life Establishment. " The trial took place in ono of the libraries of the palace a sombro room with an arched ana pannolcd roof. The walls wore covered with traces of damp , and the windows wore stained with -dust. There were books In the library old , mouldy , musty volume in antiquated bindings. They were carefully num bered , and covered with dust. The shelves which contained the venerable volumes looked modern , and were ele gantly carved round the mouldings. There was a line old-fashioned carved mantelpiece in the room , which was surmounted by n mitre. An antique iiroplaco to match was blocked up , and a modern stove did duty instead. The books are stowed away in recesses , leav ing the HOOP of the room clear. A bar rier In the shape of a rope divided the room into halves , ono being for the trial proceedings , and the other for tlio con- oral public. A rather exciting marriage took place at the Wonderland museum in Memphis. Tlio groom was William Quinn , the lecturer of the museum , and the bride Venio Cavalier , ono of the Albinos on exhibition. The affair was entirely unexpected to the goodly com pany of. freaks and employes , and there was a great commotion when a justice of the peace appeared in the place and called up the loving pair. John Cav alier , also an Albino and a brother of the bride , rushed forward and forbade the bans. "Stand back"said the jus tice , 'and do not come between these whom the law would join. " Nothing daunted , the brother grabbed the bridegroom by the collar , and the groom grasped him by the hair. They wa't/.eil ' around the hall in a hostile em brace , the bride clinging to her ehoion and the justice following in a trot , re pouting the formula required by law By ttie time the circuit of the room was completed tlio justice announced that the twain were man and wife , an d then sailed in and separated the irate hus band and brother. The newly married couple loft the hall under the protec tion of the law. The brother swears vengeance on his new relative. The remarkable change of sex r c contly reported from Uarford county , Md. , is rivaled by a similar case at Rest poslofliee , Virginia. In January. 1SS4 , the postmistress , Lydiu Rebecca Pay no , astonished her family and everybody else by marr.\ing Sarah Ilinton. "Becky , " as she was generally known , was always noted for her masculine ways , but before she could get the county officials to issue n marriage license she had to procure from a phvsi- cian a certificate that she nad under gone physical changes that made ifr clear that "Boeky" was in reality a niHJi. She discarded her female apparel ana is now a prominent citizen of the Shetmndoah valley. Two children have boon the result of Payne's marriage. Another member of the family , a sup posed sister , has undergone similar changes that place her undeniably in the masculine gender. Loha , which is this one's namu , has not yet discarded frocks , but rumor has already betrothed her to a young woman of the valley. Patrick Mulligan , a spoony swain of seventy-nine years , and Hannah II. Call , a giddy girl of.eighty-four , in mates of the Ramsey county ( Minn. ) poor house , eloped recently and went to St. Paul intending to got married. When their flight was known at the poor house the police In St. Paul were notified and an officer of the union depot squad arrested the aged couple as they stepped from the suburban train on the Duluth road which they had boarded at Gladstone. Mulligan hnd been an in mate of the poor house for two months , but ho was paying for his keeping , and had n little money loft to start house keeping. Mrs. Call had been at the poor house for moro than two years. She has worked in the kitchen and was peeling potatoes when Mulligan fli > t saw her and became enamored. Mrs. Amelia Terry , wife of E. R. Terry , a Now York shipping agent , recently suicided in Brooklyn under peculiar circumstances , Mrs. Terry , quarreled with her husband at their homo on Jackson place because ho hud not coinu homo in time to go to n con cert. After Mr. Terry had loft the houbo she wont to a closet and took a quantity of rut poibon. After taking it she became repentant and she hunt her little daughter out to purchase borne mustard , which she intended to use as nn cirictic. It was ineffectual , however , and she died in great agony. For ScaslokncsH Use Hereford's ' Acid Phosphate. lr. Price , of the White Star S. S. Or- munlo , says ; "I li.ivo prescribed it In my practice uinqrip the passenger * ) traveling to and from Europe , in this steam or , mid the re sult has satisfied mo that if tiikcn In time , it will , in a gicat many cases prevent sea sickness. " CONNIJBIAMTIE9. Vice President Morton has live eligible daughtcrx , and yt't many think the responsi bilities of his position are light. AToledo woman who has t\v Ice been dlvoi ccd from ono man. married him two wroks ago /or tlio third timo. Altogether she lias been married six times to tlir ccmcn Maggie MltchoU'H husbinil , Mr. PaiMoo'c will not contest her divorce suit it she will pay him tJS.OOO. Maggie s.iya she will not pay It when she can got a utvorcu In Chicago for much less. An enterprising resident of Langrcs , France , who had been ariextcd for shooting at his sweetheart , uiaile lovu to tno Jailer's daughter. She assisted him to escape uud the pair then eloped. At u MUlvlllo woddlntr a few evenings ago the officiating clergyman said ; "What God has put asunder lot no man Join together. " The guests began to titter and the reverend gentleman revisu < l his remarks. An Anthens , Go. , young man paid a father $5 for the privilege of courting his daughter. Ho married another girl uud duuiaudod back the (5. The old uian.offict the bill with an account for flro wood nnd koroscno oil. Thd matter was compromised. It-Is enld thnt BOVCU out of every ten wfd ows unncr thirty-five ro-mftrry within two year * nftor widowhood. This , wo nro plowed to say , scorns to prove thnt n Inrgo per ccnt- BRO of these women who have tried nmr- rlngo do not doom It n failure. It would bo nterosltng to know mnny widowers try U Ingaln. At the mnrrlngo of Lady Idlnn Neville ( a Mr. Urnssoy. in England , the bridesmaids were cricketing costumes , the colors boln carnation pink , grcon nnd white. This showed a lack ot peed tntto , A marriage If n solemn thing , nnd 1C bridesmaids nro golnq to come out In cricketing costumes , wo need not wonder that some time the groom up * pears Ina tennis suit.or n base ball uniform. Who Indeed ? Now York World : On the Rlalto Marcollus ( astronomical ) By Jovol that Venus is a beautiful star. Bernardo ( professional ) Venus ! Don't know her. Who is her innnngerY MIME SnrnfinmH ESTABLISHED issi i ieo so. BuTU WiresJ ! Chicago , Ilia. 1 ClorkOt. The Regular Old-Established PHYSICIAN AND SURCEOtf U ttm Treating with tha Groatnt SKILL and SUCCESS J yv-r . * , ! 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