THE OMAHA SUNDAY BEE.PAGES
PART II. . PAGES 9-16.
SEVENTEENTH YEAR. OMAHA . . SUNDAY " MORNING-MAY ' 1 & 1888.-SIXTEEN . _ . PAGES , NUMBER 330 ,
! ni aiiii ! nwaTiri IIIPII 11 n i i i i i m"11 fl ' "linn BUI mmi i qi i M nuini. * tm t n 'i ' m * t.
and on Monday we make one of our regular old fashioned sales ; look below at the prices : I desire to call your .special attention to the colored
silks , nun's veiling1 , torchon laces , parasols , black goods , table linens and underwear : dome on Monday ; everybody will be there , N. B. Falconer
Curtain Dept.
Monday wo will give our customers a
bargain fn Lnco Curtains ; wo have just
received 200 pairs Nottingham Lace
Curtains which we will toll on Monday
nt 98c per pair. These Curtains are
lully equal to those previously sold by
us at $1.25 , which is asufllcicnt guaran
tee that this sale is worthy your atten
tion. Mail orders tilled.
COLORED SILKS.
2 Bargains in Col
ored Silks.
Satin Rhadama93c.
Wo will sell Monday 40 pieces all now
Shades in Satin Rlmdauia , that ia worth
1.35ntS)3c. )
Bargain No 2.
Cheney Bros. Faille Francaise gunr-
tintccd to wear in choice colorings , the
best domestic silk made , at 3.07i ! worth
81.50.
Pongee Embroider
ed Suits , $9.75.
5 Suits , the price is 19,75 ; these suits
nro worth $25. ; we only Bell them nt
80.75 , because we have only five , und do
not want them In stock.
Colored Dress G-oods
French Dress Goods al less than Half
Price.
French Nun'a Veiling at 371 c , worth
85c.
85c.French
French Albatross Cloth at 37Jcbought
to sell at 7f > o.
NoveltyDress Goods
Novelty Dross Goods Striped nnd
plain to "match at 75o , regular price
$1 60.
79c. 79c. 79c.
Solid colors in French Dress Goods ,
all now colors at 79o , regular price
81.50.
BLACK GOODS ,
Silk Warp , Henrietta
Cloth , 85c.
42 inch Silk Warp , Ilenriotla Cloth at
85c ; would be cheap at $1.35.
46-inch Black Serge
95c.
10 pieces 40 inch black French Serge
at ! )5c ) , worth 81.50.
AN OMAHA PIE FOUNDRY ,
Where the Girla Learn to Bake the
Doughnuts , Broad and Cako.
TWENTYSIX FUTURE HOUSEWIVES
A Description of the Culinary Methods
in Cojielnml's Cooking School
Thu Unhappy End of
tlio Writer.
"I had left a slight momenta , " said the
Vassur graduate ,
"A monument to womankind my
maiden lonf of bread ,
And n ghostly individual who came in
rathur late
Informs mo 'tin as changeless as the
sphinx's mighty head. "
Who among us , even unto the time when
life's last breath is taking leave from his
wasted frame , will repudiate the oft repeated
assertion that no woman in the wide , wide
world could cook an mother cooked , and the
dear old woman could get up a first class
meal , couldn't she , now ! Her productions of
culinary art wcro marvellous in the extreme.
She had acquired her knowledge of kitchen
lore by years of patient toil In the cooking
room In which her mother concocted various
dishes to please the epicurean taste of those
whoso wants in the line or victuals she was
called upon to supply.
Nowadays it is different.
Wo have at various points In this great re
public of ours what arc known as cooking
schools , and although there may bo one or
two persona lu this city who nro not aware
of the fact , Omaha is ono of those fortunate
places. The rooms are in the basement of
ho high school building. There is no ne
cessity for taking the elevator , it is only ono
flight down , As the visitor enters ho Is
greeted with a sight which , while pleasing to
the eye , also has n soothing effect on the
olfactory nerves. A mammoth range , upon
which a meal for a regiment of iufantry
might bo cooked , providing the cook had
plenty of time , with its oven door handles
and mountings ( lollshcd until they glisten like
bilvcr , a host of gas stoves , tables , benches ,
bread pans , pie pans , pots and kettles , bread
boards , npplo parors , In fact all the necessary
adjuncts for cooking greet the eye , Hciois
the place where the young lady who but ono
hour since was standing In n recitation room
conjugating "nmo , nmas , umat , " or perhaps
was engaged in guiding her pretty Ungurs
over the ivory keys in u determined effort to
nuistcr a selection from "Normn , " puts on a
big apron and , rolling up hersleovcs , plunges
her dimpled arms into a mass of dough pre
paratory to the creation of n number of
loaves of bread , or mayhap she industriously
plies a chopping knifu , thiuicing as she does
BO what a grand old panful of hash shy will
wake.
This cooking school Is presided over by
Miss Clara Mann , who , In addition to the
many other good qualities she possesses , is a
cook of the first class , and if the reader
doubts the truth of thb statement let thorn
visit the school nid : try Miss Mann's mince
iilo. They will never regret it. No , uevnr.
Mlas Mann came here from Xenla , O. , ami
wns formerly in chargu of the culinary do-
iiartuii'ut at the soldiers' homo at that point.
She ia a graduate of tluTAiuw unlrcisfty in
Iowa , and can cook anj thing from a Welsh
rarebit to a rcast ox at a barbcuo. Shu bus
clchty pupil * of whom sot only-fit are glr
beg pardon young lad ! < u. Kach pupil devotes -
votes two study hoar ? per day to the cook
ing ncbool , with thu exception of high school
tcnoltrs vrho only pnut'.co every other day.
Or.ly plain coolinguch as nn average tarn-
lly nerds U tloiio. The first thing taught is
how to build a fire. This action \\as decided
upon becaufo of the unccrtul-sty of the
v.'C'nan suffcrayo bill passing the senate , and
lutht event c.u Cjiug hi the upper hou o
It was feared that without the knowledge of
firu building the graduate would be in a
bud fix , especially if men insisted
on lying abed as at present. The new scholar
has to USD green kindlings , also , and is thor
oughly initiated. Tlio use of kerosene is
tabooed. After" learning how to paie and
slice potatoes and apples the pupil is taught
to make bread , and not until she lias got the
bread business dowito a fine point is bho
permitted to advance. Then she goes into
the study of soup. Tomato , vermicelli , con
somme , cream of rice , plain , noodle nnd , In
fact , nil kinds of soups , nro thoroughly mas
tered. Then comes the roasting department
and tlio fair scholar learns how to roast ,
bake , fry , broil , stow aud fricasse anything
from a mud hen to a turkey , or a pork chop
to a saddle of venison. After this branch is
thoroughly mastered conies pudding and pic ,
and nil sorts from plain bread to the sort our
English cousins dote on are concocted , nnd
pie , too , from the poor man's vinegar to the
spiced mince , held in such high esteem by
Vandcrbilt , for the construction of which
ho imported a $10,000 a year cook
when by coming to Omaha ho could have
had his wants supplied at half the price.
When tlm pie and pudding course is fin-
nished , cake receives attention , nnd the
future housnwife Is taught how to make all
kinds , from the plain one , two , three , four
cake of our grandmother's to otlm marble
cake of the [ present time. When this is fin
ished the young lady is a candidate for matrimonial
menial honors , and Is , with'tho education she
has received , a fit companion for any man ,
be ho rich or poor.
Tlio pupil must , while taking the course ,
wash the dislips , black the stove , and par-
form all duties incidental to a housewife's
work. A gas stove is provided for each two
nis ! for ordinary cooking. Bread baking
ono in the range. The institution is well
managed , and exceeds the most sanguine
expectations of the projectors of the enter
prise.
A Br.K reporter visited the school on Fri
day last , and the result of his visit was
highly satisfactorily. The cooking busi
ness ; \vus in full blast when the hun
gry scribe arrived , and without further
ceremony ho was about to ponnco on a pan
of biscuits when ho was stopped by a beauti
ful blondu who laid her little hand entreatingly -
ingly upon his arm and remarked : "Pleaso
don't touch those you might not like them , "
"And why not. " Innocently remarked the
person addressed.
"Well , " said the beauty , "you see they
were made by a now scholar nnd Mr. Lewis
keeps them lor punishing refractory stud
ents. "
"Why , how on earth can ho use biscuits In
punishing a scholar ! " said the scribe.
"Oh , " said the young-lady , "that Is easy ,
If any ono transgresses the rules they nro
compelled to rat u biscuit mode by a new
scholar. And , " shq solemnly added , "when
n pupil has been punished In this manner
once they never repeat the offense. "
"Do tlmy diol" was asked.
"Die , oh no ! but they never violate any
moro rules. "
"Well , " was naked , ' -where Is there any
thing that in Htto call"
"Just step this way , " said the young lady
as she tripped dainfly across the floor nnd led
the journalist Into another room. "Help
yourself , " said she , and the reporter helped.
What r. sight 1 Pies , cakes , puddingsroast
meats , iiieklesl And so the hungry man
waded into the tempting delicacies with that
vest for which all of his class are noted , he
wns assisted by all of the first class in plfl.
Gradually ho forgot his surroundings nnd
was back again In his bonnie Now England
homo. The pumpkin plo which ho tasted
was of mother's own muko und the dough
nuts were of sister's frying sure. For aa
hour hu lingered and would have remained
longer , but for the announcement that school
is dismissed by the prinirip.il of the bread
manufactory. Then ho awakened to the
sense of his position and realized that his
happini-ss was at nn end. Not yet , ono hope
vet remained. Dectconlng ttio blonde who
had saved him from the biscuit upon his ar
rival ho hoarsely w hisi > crcd in her ear , could
ho carry oft ono of those mince pics to the
sanctum ! "Why , yes take- two , " and ho
took three and his heartbeat with Joy us lie
boarded a cable car for the oftlee , Ho rushcii
up stairs to his room arid
* „
Toe horse editor , who had , been out taking
Black Albatross 50c
38 inch black Albatross Cloth at 50c ,
worth 73c.
37/ac.
Black Cashmeres at 37jct regular
price 60c. This is one of our very spec
ial bargains.
Mull Caps , 25c.
100 dozen Children's Mull Caps at 25e
worth 60c.
Nurse's Aprons 25c
Now styles In Nurse's Aprons at 25c ,
worth CO.
Remnants of Sat
eens , 6l/2c.
2 cases of Sateen Remnants worth
15c , per yard on Monday , CJc.
PARASOLS ,
Fancy Parasols $2.25.
Ladles' Fancy Satin striped and
Moire Parasols at $2.25 ; regular price
$3.75.
$2.75.
Ladies' Fancy striped Silk and Satin
Parasols at $2.75 , worth $4.00.
$2.95.
Wo show a largo line of Ladies' fancy
checked Silk parasols at $2.05 ; regular
price $5.00.
$3.19.
A bargain , wo show black Satin Para
sols with fancy stripes at $3.19 ; worth'
G.OO.
$3-75-
Fancy Dlacljed Satin Parasols all col
ors , very choice , nt $3.75 , worth $0.50.
$4OO.
New shadings in shot Sillc Parasols ,
new handles at 84.00 , worth $7.50.
Ladies' Underwear
At 150. At 150.
Ladies' fine Gauze Vests- , all sizfcs at
15c , worth 35c ; not more than G Vests to
each customer.
250 250 250
Bargains Bargains
Ladies' Jersey fitting Vests at 25c , re
duced from 40c. Mail orders tilled.
30c. 30c. 30c ;
Another case of Ladies' Jersoytitling
Vests at 30c , sold by other stores at 47Je
as a great bargain ; our price Monday is
30c. Mail orders filled.
a drive behind a now pacer , came bounding
into , the reporters' room , when hu observed a
figure at the desk of the pie reporter. His
head WHS bowed upon the writing slide , his
hands lying in his lap , and the manuscript of
the above article lying before him. He called
the sleeper by name , but he awoke'hot. Ho
shook him , but there was no response. He
raised his head. Ho was dead. A sweet
smile still lingered around' li'is inoutn. His
wall-wot n pencil was lying upon the table ,
and in his hand was clutched a piece of his
third pie.
"Kcquicscat in Pace. "
C. M. J.
EDUCATIONAL.
Thirty college graduates arc employed on
the staff of the New York Sun.
There were 20,945 students nt the twenty
German universities during the last session.
Of these 1,014 were fordigners.
The Man With an Only Son What Vind of
scholars do you turn out at this Institution )
Principal Those who won't study.
President Beaten has returned from his
eastern trip , with * 3,000 toward the $10,000
needed immediately by Hedflcld College ,
Dak.
Dak.Prof.
Prof. G. Stanley Hall of the chair of psy
chology in John Hopkins university has been
elected to the presidency of the now Clark
university , Worcester , Mass.
Wcsleyan university , Mlddletown , Conn. ,
had nn Income last year of upwards of $51-
000 , of which about $40,000cuno from the
permanent endowment of $600,030 , , ,
Tlmo was when the college piofcssors used
to box the ears of refractory freshmen. '
They would have to take a four years' courao
In sparring before they could do it now.
A Greek learns to speak Englinh in about
half the time It takes nn Italian to acquire
French , and n Russian will speak French ,
English and German in the same period tljat
u Frenchman will need to acquire a me.ro
smattering of the two latter languages.
ThoNntionnl Educational association of the
United States will hold its thirty-seventh
annual meeting In San Francisco , July 17 tu
to 20. There nro indications of nn iuiincnso
gathering , livery state and territory will bp
represented , and also many foreign countries ,
In Wyoming territory for at least three
months in each year , for all between the
ages of seven und sixteen , education ls com
pulsory , and to all residents of the 'territory
between live and twenty-one , Irora primary
school to university inculded , is absolutely
free ,
The Malmonldcs library established by the
Jewish order H'nal B'rith is now ono of the
larger and moro useful libraries of New York
According to Its lust annual report It contains
about 30,000 volumes and lias over 5,000 reg
istered renders , to whom it loaned in 18J7 ,
moro than 40,000 volumes.
Kentucky Sunday school superintendent to
pastor See hero , I'm not going to teach this
school any longer If I've got to leave my re
volver at homo. Only yesterday Colonel
Kilgoro wiped the floor with mo because I
contradicted his statement that Moses was
found in a clothes basket at 111 a battle of
13ull Hun.
Clark university has extended an invitation
to Prof. G. Stanley Hall , Ph D. , professor
of psychology and pedagogics in John Hop
kins university , Baltimore , to become its
president. Prof. Hall is u graduate of Wil
liams college , of the class of 1807 , end spent a
number of yearb in Europe in the study of
modern educational systems.
Lafayette college , at Easton , has sent out
259 professors aud teachers , nearly 80 < ) civil
nnd mining engineers , 331 physicians. 443
ministers , and 5JS lawjors. Her alumni are
found in every state and territory in the
union. The new catalogue shows an attend
ance of 2 > 2 students , from eighteen states ,
besides Slum , Japan and Honduras.
According to the report of the finance com
mittee tbo expenditures of the London school
board from November 20,1970 , to September
-.I , 1V57 , amounts to within a fraction of
twenty million pounds or above tSO.OOO.OOO.of
which the citizens of London have contrib
uted upwards of ono million ono hundred and
fifty-four thousand poundsor something over
I < jri00.000. The estimates for the year end
ing March 25 , 1SSS , amount U ) 1,140,141.
The Mothers Friend
Shirt Waist.
The great invention , the Mothers
Friend latent Shirt Waist , awarded the
first prize medal at the American Insti
tute Fair , Now York. 1887. The most
useful and time saving invention for
which a patent was over issued by the
patent olllco in Washington , D. C. No
buttons can bo torn oft , cither in wear
ing or washing. The Mother's Friend
does away entirely with the sowing on
of buttons. It is supplied with nn ad
justable belt , which is easily taken off
when the waist is washed ; the buttons
nro riveted on the belt , consequently
can not bo torn oil , cither in wearing ,
washing or ironing.
Wo carry a full line of the Mother's
Friend Shirt Waists nt 50c , 75c , 85c ,
$1.00 , $1.25 and $1.60 , in all the newest
designs manufactured.
Hand MadeTorchon
Laces 3ysc.
Iland made Torchon Laces at 3jc ,
worth 7Jc.
5Cy
Hand made Torchon'Laces at 5c , reg
ular price lOc.
100 pieces Hand made Torchon Lnco
atSlc ; regular price 12J to15cc.
We show great bargains at this price
in both Torchon and Mdflisis , nt lOc ,
worth 17jc.
20c. 20cj 20c.
At this price wo will sell all the Laces
that we have been selling regularly at
25c , 30c , 35cand 40c ; Mftji in-ys price 20c.
White -Suits.
We again call attention to our line of
Ladies' White LawntSuits which is
superior to any line hyo have over
shown. The finish and fit af these suits
is perfect and the styles entirely new.
The prices arc from $3.00 to $25.00.
THE TALKATIVE CRIPHAN ,
Ho Tolls the Reporters Some Very
Funny Stories.
HE IS GOING TO HAVE A UNIFORM.
YVIint lie Thinks of Sunday Base Ball
and Promises to Collect Moro
Facts for Next
Sunday ,
"Hello , BEI ; , " said the , gripman , as the re
porter boarded his car ono day last week.
"You ought to have been with mo Sunday ,
Say , of course you have read of the China
man who , upon seeing n cable car for the first
time , remarked : 'Hoo ! No pnshce ; no
pullco ; go llko hollco nlleo sameo.1 Yes ,
that's a chestnut. Well,1 there is a Mongo
lian in Omaha who knocks that fellow out
completely. Tell you about it ? Of course I
will , " said the gripman , as ho stopped to let
a little girl , leading an old blind woman , get
In the car. "You sec , yesterday was Sunday
and the washcc-washco fellows were out get
ting air. One of them , Won Hlng Lung or
some such name , got on my car , and from his
actions I guess it must havebeen , his first
ride. Ho went out on the forward end and
looked down in the slot , where ho could sea
the cable running. 'Eh , ' says John , 'car run
with cling ) ' 'Yes , ' said I , 'car runs with a
string. ' Just then the conductor signalled
mo to stop and I did so so suddenly that
John flew off the front end litco a carrier
pigeon and alighted on his car some ten feet
ahead. Ho picked himself up and scrambled
back , remarking as ho did so : 'Hellco dnmeo
cling broke. ' I shook my head , no , nnd
started up again , whereupon China smiled
suavely and sagely remarked : 'Cling all
right , car go , cling not broke. " But that
laundry fiend sat down the rest of the trip ,
"One of the boys had. a good } eke played on
him the other day. " said the gripmnn. "Ono
of the conductors. Ho took his boll punch
homo with him , add as bo did not go out un
til noon next day ho , jdent until about 9
o'clock. While ho wcs visiting the land of
Nod the children got tllo 'punch nnd were
amusing themselves \vitU it whoa their
mamma caught them ut IU She took the ma
chine away from them aud.forgot to tell the
old man , who , after catng ) his breakfast ,
skipped off to work without noticing that any
thing was wrong , WlU the next day when
ho reported at the ofllce the superintendent
told that ho was just 1,320 Jfares short. It
paralyzed him for a whileand then ho asked
how it was , and they stiowcd him the rec
ord. You see the "con" all carry a book in
addition to the punch , arid' every time they
collect a faro they mark'it on the book as
well as pulling the punch- When you leave
the office the number Indicated by your bell
punch is taken , and when you come in
it is also taken the former subtracted from
the latter which gives the number of fares
and must agree with the book record. This
conductor asked time to go homo and re
turn and when begot back was able to ex
plain. But ho does not carry that bell-punch
home any moie , he leaves ( t at the oftico. "
"Last week was a great tiino for us fel
lows and I declare I know wore about dem
ocracy than I ever drct-med I could. I had
democrats from Otoo und drmocrats from
Buffalo county , "unU-rrUled" from Hatings
nnd free traders from1 IJluo Hill , and if you
want to know anything about ' 'packing
houses" and "slaughter houses" I can poet
you for keeps. "
"I sco the movement fcgainst Sunday base
ball still continues nnd that the courts
will have to decide tbo. matter , " said the
gripman. as he shifted his lover to catch the
other cable at Twentieth and Uoilge btro3ts
"I don't like this business at nil. Why
can't wo spend Sunday in looking at
a game of base ball If wo * cheese
and why should the ministers take eucli a
Fine Linens ,
Fine Linens.
Great sale of fine Table Linens Mon
day and all next week.
On Monday wo will commence a great
sacrifice sale of fine linen sots. We find
wo have an overstock of these fine lin
ens , and wo nro determined to reduce it.
Those goods arc manufactured on the
celebrated hand looms of William Lid-
doll k Co. , nnd John S. Brown & Sons ,
Belfast , Ireland.
At $9.65.
2x2 } yards Double Damnslc Cloth with
i Napkins to match nt $9.05 , worth
813.75.
At $10.50.
2x3 yards fine Double Damask Cloth
with 1 Napkins to match at $10.CO.worth
$15.25.
At $11.25.
2x3 } yards fine Double Damask Cloth
with } Napkins to mulch at $11.115worth
$17.00.
At $12.
2x4 yards fine Double Damask Cloth
with } Nankins to match at $12. worth
$19.25. "
At 5'oc.
10 pieces 02 inch fine Cream Damask
at50c. This is our regular 75c quality.
At $1.00.
15 pieces ( assorted Patterns ) 8-4 flno
Satin Damask at $1.00 , worth $1.371.
Turkish Towels.
100 dozen largo Turkish towels at loc ,
worth 25c.
100 dozen large Turkish towels at2oc ,
worth 40c.
60 dozen fancy Turkish tidies at 7jc ,
worth 12jc.
Glass Toweling.
1 bale 18 inch all linen glass towclinS
at 1 lie , worth 16 je-
Ladies' Silk Vests ,
$1.25.
Ladies' Silk Vests in all colors at $1.25
regular price 2.25.
Basket Braid Bal
briggan Vests 98c.
Wo have just 0 dozen Ladies' Basket
Braid Balbriggan Vests that we have
been selling -at $2.45 , on Monday the
pi-icb i.3.j > Ssi\ek ; ? 9P10 tutul 3 Vests to
each customer.
ToilSt Sacques.
A special bargain in these goods at
$1.15.
stand against it ? It seems 'to mo that a man
cannot by law bo compiled to keep the Sab
bath. The good boolc docs not advocate
forcing a man to obey its teachings , and I
think that the men who arc chosen to advo
cate the principles of Christianity nro owning
their weakness when they icsort to such
measures. Why do they not enjoin nil busi
ness men from following their vocation } This
cable line * for instance. . The employes work
on Sunday , and I have drawn several min
isters on the Sabbath day who were not
ashamed to see me break the commandment
as long as they got to church in time. I
think tlmy arc as guilty as anyone. I agree
with the clergyman who advocated Sunday
base ball. There Is no other means of amuse
ment. Why do not the parties build reading
rooms and make them attractive enough to
keep .young men and women away from Sun
day games ! Nothey send their money to Af
rica , OUo Jumbo or some other country , where
well-fed missionaries spend it. There nro
thousands of greater evils than Sunday base
ball. The wine rooms for instance , no in
junctions arc asked against them and a moro
crying evil never existed. Brutal lights
within the jurisdiction of the county authori
ties , which are called upon to suppress base
ball games , nro cognizant of and the parties
well known occur aud nothing is heard. Dog
fights in which poor dumb brutes chew ono
another up , take place inside the limits and
still the ministers ore quiet , but when 7,000
people who have worker-hard all week want
rest and rccrcatlon'in looking at a game on
Sunday the mighty uowerof a Connecticut
blue law is worked.to stop it.
A lady and gentleman got on the car yes
terday and for fare tendered a niekle and a
fivo-dollur gold piece. ; The 'con' took the
nick , rang his chestnut bell und banded the
shiner back with the remark , 'I cannot
change it. " Then his rivets fished np a
dollar which the 'con' collared , changed and
gave him back 1)5 ) cents. 'Thanks , ' said the
passenger. 'Don't mention it,1 said the
'con.1 Of course you know a man always
flashes his largest piece of money lirst ,
Sunday morning wo came out in our new
uniforms , nnd now if you want to look at n
daisy crowd of men just come around and
look at us Oh , wo will bo u lot of cat-birds ,
I tell you. Hut hero wo are at the end of the
louto. Como around again , Good bye , "
PEPPERMINT DltOl'S.
Sing a song of ten cents
A glass of good old rye ;
Four-nnd-twcnty like it
Make an adequate supply ,
When that rye 1ms soaked him through
A follow cannot budge ,
And ain't ho just a pretty sight
To go before a judge I
Messages from spirit land ore written on
'rapping paper.
It doesn't bother lawyers to see breakers
ahead that is , if they are law breakers.
The moon was full last night , not to men
tion several other visitors from out of town.
With sotno people poetry may be said to bo
a sort of versy vice , while with others It is
vice versa.
Max O'Uell calls the Pullman porter the
czar of the country , Max must not try to be
little the Pullman porter.
It is said that the sultan of Morocco has
0,000 wives. No wonder Uncle Sam hesitates
about tackling so brave a man.
A Georgia farmer made 100 off an aero
planted in watermelons , 'and n nclghboiing
doctor made f'-JOO oft the tame acre.
A Florida town has teat a petrillcd man
to the Sub-Tropical Exposition , and all the
railroad restaurants huvo an eye on it.
There is an immense fortune awaiting the
man who will invent a button that will ring
a chestnut bell every time it drops oft.
"Ono swallow docs not make the summer"
any more than a grasshopper makes the
spring or the old gold banana pool the fall.
The king of Spam Is eighteen months old ,
and has a salary of f 1,000,000 , with the prospect -
pect of a r.iiso as soon as the business will
warrant
A young man In Reading , Pa , I ? seriously
ill from the effects of kissing a girl's rougu-
painted chaeks. The warning will not Uo
heeded , however ,
Hotel clcrko nnd barkeepers will be pleated
to learn thai the estimated production of dla-
Pillows ! Pillows !
7 pound fine leather pillows at$1.02o | ,
worth $2.50.
7 pound Hue feather pillows nt$2.12lo ,
worth $3.00.
0 pound live jjccse feather pillows at
$2.Cilc , worth $3.60.
6 pound live RCCSO feather pillows at
M.37J , worth 34.75.
Bed Spreads 990.
1 case Dates Hod Spreads at 99c each.
Wo will only sell 2 of this lot tunny one
customer. Sale starts at S a , m. Mon
day morning.
Jackets ! Jackets !
MONDAYS CLEARING SALE OP
JACKETS.
Jackets on Monday at 81.67 , 53.fiO ,
SI. 60 , $5.60 and 87.50. A very fine as
sortment of Jackets at the above greatly
reduced prices.
Persian Shawls.
We have purchased nt a sacrifice , a
line of Persian Shawls to sell al cost of
manufacture , wo nsk an inspection of
these goods as they arc special value ;
price 81.67 , $3.75 , 84.75.
Mens' Hose.
160 dozens Men's Lisle Thread , IToso
seamless , in all colors at 25c ; regular
price -10c.
At 19c. At 19c.
Another Bargain.
40 dozen Men's fine Balbriggan Half
Hose Silk Clocks at 19c , would be cheap
Men's Underwear.
Mcns' Medium weight Balbripgan
Shirts in Drab , only at 50c , worth $1.25.
Also grey mixed Balbriggan Shirts at
50c , worth 75c.
Men's Balbriggan
Shirts 25c.
10 cases Men's Balbriggan Shirts at
25c , worth 45c.
momls tills year from the South American
Acid is 8,048,809 carats.
Hereafter ( the senate permitting ) while
the associate justice of the supreme bench
uiny get as full as they can the chief Justice
will always be a little Fuller.
Cigar Manufacturer What do you think
of my now brand of cigars ? What woulil
be a Rood name for thorn , friend ( who is
smoking one ) The "Lung-Tester. "
"Will you please give mo something ,
sir ! " begged a tramp. "Certainly , "
responded the gentleman importuned : "I'm
a police justice , and if you will step around
to my oftico I'll give you thirty days. "
"I wonder if my face isn't good in here for
a drink , " said Downcs. who happened to bo
ehoit , "it ought to bo. We'll try it , anyhow. "
"It ought to be good for a gin phiz , Upson , "
remarked Flitterly Insklp , following him
in.
This is the order which a little girl brought
into a Lcwiston drug store the other ihiy. It
was written on a dirty piece of note paper ,
ns follows : "Mister Druggist Please bend
ipccuo enough to throw up u four-year-old
girl. "
Guest ( to landlord ) "Are you sure , land
lord , that this is a spring chicken ? " Lund-
lord "Yes. sir. That chicken is from my
own farm ; it was born in March. " Guest
"O , that explains it. March is a tough
month. "
Chicago is trying to "hedge" by publish
ing the statement of a chiropodist , to the ef
fect that she is convinced that a protracted
residence in that city changes the shape of
the foot from the pentameter into the oval
or beautiful.
A reporter of nn evening paper at St. Paul
makes the startling announcement that there
s a scarcity of $100 bills. When u reporter
reaches the point where ho notices a little
thing like that there must bo something
wrong somewhere.
Woman ( to tramp ) Now that you've had
ngood dinner can't you do something for ill
Tramp Well , I dunne , I want to do what's
right. If you've got any letters to moil I'll '
drop 'cm Into the lamp-post for you. I'm u
square man , maUamo ,
A New Yorker who has been staying at a
Saratoga hotel was asked to step into u
strange lady's room and turn on the steam.
She locked the doordcmamlcd $100 or threat
ened to scream , mid ho handed over the cash ,
und walked humbly out.
Mrs. Finnigan He's no bctthcr , doctor ,
You tould mo to give his as much of the
powderns would lay on sixpence. I hadn't ' u
sixpincc , so I gave him as much as would lay
on Uvo pinnies and two half pinnies , and it's
done him no good nt all , at all.
Ho had been walking up nnd down the
room with the baby for two hours. "John , "
said his wifu , from among the pillows , "you
don't look very well of late I'm afraid you
don't get exercise enough. " John laid the
baby m the crib with its feet on the pillow
and went to sleep.
Magazine editor ( to contributor ) Your ar
ticle , sir , has been accepted , and will bo paid
for when published. Contributor ( who has
had some magazine experience ) Thanks ;
but what if I should die in the course of ten
or fifteen yearal Magazine editor In that
case , sir. the money , of course would bo sent
to your heirs
Chicago Physician ( to Mrs. Breezy ) "I
nm sorry to hear that year daughter is not
well , Mrs. Breezy , la it anything serious I"
Mrs , Hreozy "Oh , I fancy not ; but Clara is
of such nn ethereal , "delicate organi/ntion
that the least thing upsets her. " Chicago
Physician "Sho didn't say whut the thought
the matter was } * ' Mrs. Breezy "No ; Him
simply complained lit breakfast this morning
of feeling very rocky. "
An Absolute Cure ,
The OUIQ1NAL AUIFTINIJ OINTM1JNT
is only put up in largo two ouuce tin boxes ,
and is an absolute cure for pld sores , burns ,
wounds , chapped hands , aud all siin ; erup
tions. Will positively euro all kinds of piles.
Ask for the ORIGINAL AHJKTINH OINT
MENT. Bold by Goodman Drop Co. at 25
cents per box by mall UO cents.
Chun Sin , a Cliicag'o Chinaman , joined the
Baptist church in Chicago Sunday , His
uateo will be Shun Sin hereafter ,
Muslin Underwear.
8 dozen Ladies' Drawers well made
with tucks at 21c. '
0 dozen Ladles' Drawers with em
broidered rufllo at42c ;
4 do/.cn Ladies' Skirts with deep horn
and tuck , at 42c.
C dozen Ladies' Skirts heavy muslin ,
embroidered rullle at85c.
IMPIETIES.
There is a clergyman in England named
Straight , whose cur.itc is named Crooked. >
The Gcorgiu clergyman who has Just
preached his own funeral should now contest
llib Will.
Hev. Mr. Hirsute The hairs of your head
are numbered , Mr. Scantllocks. Mr. Scantl-
locks Well , it comforts mo to think how
little trouble I give the recording angel lat
terly.
Elder Jones "Well , Brother Smith , how
many have you In your church 1" Elder
Smith "Oh , 200 nnd some odd. ' How many
have you ! " Elder Jones "Two hundred
and all odd. "
"Consider the lilies , " quoted the preacher ,
and Bjoncs , in the congregation , mused
softly to himself : "Yes , nnd it's a good deal
cheaper to consider them now than it was
about Easter. "
Two Views of It. Smalley ( coming out of
church ) Don't you think that Dr. Talker's
sermon this morning was a finished dis
course ! Lever Yes , I do ; but for about an
hour I didn't think it would bo.
HA man In a western town seriously pro
posed to issue an edition of the bible with
pages devoted to advertising inserted in the
text , but he gave up the idea when ho
learned what indignation it excited.
Even Sioux City , la. , | has been reformed.
When the Hev. George C. Haddock was
murdered there over ono hundred saloons
were running. Now not a single ono is open.
A memorial to the murdered man has been
unveiled.
A Nashville minister said In his Sunday
hcrmon that "tho woman who will occupy
two scats in a street car , In violation of her
neighbor's rights , may bo respectable , but
can have little claim to either religion or good
breeding.
Mr. Sleeper , the New Jersey clergyman ,
whoso name has been so much In the news
papers of late , having been again tricked
into performing n marriage- ceremony whcro
the bride was too young , announced that ho
has permanently retired from business.
Tiicro Is nwfnl suggcstivencss In tlio state
ment of Hov , Gcorgo II , Tilghmun , of Wil
mington , Del , , who shot his wife recently ,
that ho borrowed the pistol , "us ho intended
to go out into the roimtry to collect funds for
his church. " Hev. George appears to bo a
collector with vlgoious ideas.
< - An earnest young clergyman In a Canadian
church recently moved lib congregation with
thu patlictiu story of u drowning child. But
the anil climax came when by a Blip of the
tongue ho pictured thu father dragging out of.
ttio cruel water "tho life of bis bodylc&a
child. " ,
Hov. Mr. Aitlchoko My dear , I have been
risked to preach the funeral sermon of that
dissipated und unprincipled Tom Hatsbanp.
I can't think of a single good thing to ay
about him in conscience. What nm I going
to do about It ) Mrs , Artichoke ( after long
thought ) Oh yes , dear , I have It ) You can
say that ho died a poor man. MC * " "
At a crowded wedding where seine curious
spectators at the hack of the church so fur
forgot themselves us to stand on the beats.
Bishop Eastburn , observing tills scandal ,
paused In the service nnd said in hla moifc
solemn tones , "Kcmumbcring the sacred
character of this house , let all who are presj
en t sit upon thu tloor and put their feet upon
thOBCnts , "
It may bo true that Ilev M. C. Brlttaln
who went to Hockford , 111. , to deliver a tcmj
per.'inco lecture and wsa jailed for being iu-
toxicatcd before night it may bo tr JO tlmt
ho wan drugged , but the question is ; Did .
they shoot the druzs intu him with a gun
when ho wasn't looking or did ho pour them
into himself from a glussl Mr. Brittaln may
bo a sound temperance man , but the burden
of proving it seems to rest upon him.
Good ttorJes of the bishop of London are
not rare. The other day an Incumbent of tlio , i
diocese began to congratulate the bishop on ' >
his recovery fiom u recent Indisposition. }
"I am very pleased , ray lord , " he commenced.
"What , sirl" sternly interrupted the bishop ;
"You may bo much pleased , but no educated
Englishman wa over very pleased I" Tlicn (
as the jioor parson tuincd away llko a Vrt8t
fallen schoolboy , the great man i eumrkwl
to tlto curute with solemn affability * *
"What an awful Jolly day it has beuil"