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0HE ? OMAHA , DAILY BEE : SUNDAY..3MAROH 5 , 18S8.-SIXTEEN PAGES. . 13
DIME EDEN MUSEE !
Week of March 25th.
Btnoiifjcat Living Man. Breaks Steel liars , Iron Chains and Uamlotiffa
Last Week of Lizzie Sturgeon ,
Fcucslrlnl 1'ianist , Last Chance to Sco
CHRIST BEFORE PILATE.
CODY COWBOY PIANIST
The 1'hcnotninal Musician. A Successful Innovation.
2 SEPARATE COMPANIES.
ON 2 SEPARATE STAGES.
IN 2 SEPARATE HALLS
At One Price of Admission.
Theatorium No : 1
CARLYSLE , King'of Magicians.
Mile. CARLYSLE.Spiritual . Cabinet and Pillory.
THEATORIUM NO. z.
Gold Dollar Bright Lights
SO PARLOR ARTISTS. 20
DOORS OFEtfl TO 10 P. M.
lOc ADMITS TO ALL lOc
CHAIRS , 5c AND
THE MONSTER OF THE SEA.
THE WHALE.
ONE WEEK COMMENCING
SUNDAY , MARCH 25.
A Leviathan ! A Monster on Exhibition !
40 Weighing 40 Tons 40
A Mammoth Gar 72 Foot Ijonj ; nnd 23
.
Feet AVIrto.
$10,0001 ,
LOCATION AT
Jtfintli and Jackson Streets.
Doors Open from 1O A. HI. to O 1 > . HI. Dally. .
Admission Adults , 25c ; Children , lOc.
KV ELECTRIC LIGHT EV
RAND OPERA
BJXTJJtA ! EXTltA !
Tlic manfttanicitl Unit irn'iU pleasure In nnnounclnpr
tiu'iurn tn uKumi'iil in uur my ut tliu juaUjrculo-
CONRIED & HERREMANN ,
cons ic
OPERA COMPANY.
-ON-
WttGEflay and Thursday , April 18 & 19
TIJO micrtoirowill uuaimoiinccdlu tluoeoa on.
GRAND CELEBRATION !
Of the Completion nnd Opening of thu
Denver , Texas & Gulf Railway !
umnectlng Denver 1th the Sen ; nlso the Third
Annual Convention of the
International Range Association
AT DUNYO , COLO. ,
MARCH 28 , 29 , 30 & 31.
PROGRAMME 0 ? ENTERTAINMENT ?
Wednesday , MnrrliSH-Ileccptlnn of visitors
KvcnliiR. Firework Display by the phantom Ar' !
tilery Club , ( turpuselnj ? In extlttwit ut iiuu unm-
rteur th j famous Toiwhn riumbeuu flub
. id"nunt ' " ltlV.r.cl.r ; ! ? ' ! ! ! : ; ! B.n' ' ° 0 , 0 > 'oyTur.
| , mid ItldjiiK I'nbrokeii iiiiil
Jlurklnu llroncoi , Ht-ceptlou ut the Tabor a rand
Friday , March 'M A flrnml nud Iinnoslni ;
Hands tn Line , togethttr with the Colobruled
Cowboy llaml.of lodg ) City. Kansas
Saturday. Jlurchju-Kxcnrslon to the Mount -
t lu .onu OrnuilOlil 1'ubhloncd llnrbecne. Dur
ing this L'ulu week thu business streets and nnb-
Jlc bulWliigs or the city will bo Illuiuliiatwi by
the llnestuiii ] most reanloudent Klectrlcul Ils.
l > lay ever uttfanptua In this or any other city.
t IIJ3AP KAIMVAY J'\\HEs .
All transportation companies entering Denver
havu made low round trip ratet. $26.OO only
lor round trip tlcketa from nil Missouri Itlver
jioliitH TlcVeU \ 111 bu sold on Monday. Murch
* 0 , only good for IO days thereafter.
VISIT TIIU < IUIIN : CITY
Oil this propitious occasion. 8.000 cattlemen uud
SO.QOU visitor * ar > expected.
p * B M a J , H j vt ? * * fff *
MONDAY TUESDAY , April 9,10 II
WEDNESDAY , ,
Special niatinno Wednesday.
Mr. Itojrd very respectfully announces the most
iHitubln Unimutlu event In tUu hlitorr of OmulliV-tUo
ii | > | > i nrunca ot America' * Greatest Actors
EDWIN
Supported by their ottn crcollont compunr under tlio
direction of Mil. AUTIlUlt II. Oil ArfK.
MONDAY KVKN1NU , AI'lllU-Or ! nd Production ot
ali kesi > curo' Historical Trucody ,
JULIUS CJESAR ,
lilt. JJOOTJI AH 1)UIITUB- ! . IIAUUETT AS CASSIL'S.
1UB8UAY liVKNlkd , Al'IUFjlO :
The MERCHANT OF VENICE.
( Knllro 1'Jay. Blx Acts , llcautlful Production. )
lilt. 1IOOTII AS 611VLOCK-MU. HAlWKTr AS 1IA8SAMO ,
WKDNESUAV MATIN KK-Ppcclal 1'erformuaco ;
HAMLET. '
Hit. I100T1I AS lUilET-MIl , IIAllllBT-T AS LAKUTK3.
WEDNESDAY KVKNINO , M'ttll , ll-QruixJ ftiro-
TV ell perform nee ,
MACBETH.
lilt , 1100TU AB MACllETU-Ult. 1IA11U8TT AS WACBCFF ,
I'lllCKS : During thl engagement Ibo t&mo liberal
prlcvi cuarved throughout the country w II bo
adopted. JU'ierved Beat * 13.110 and r."iO. accordinti to
looillun. General nUuilulou Hi uullerr 11. l > oxv . fJU
fJUnmlllO.
IMI'OUTANTANNOUNCKMKNT : Ai tlia hundreds
n ( application * already rvcelfcil tor itiau for tmi mi-
t-'iiKi'iueut urv far In excoii of ilia capacity of the
thonini , unil holni ; desirous of pleasing all anil
iivuldlnv speculation In tickets , the manatee
inent hitsduclduU to offer the teats AT AUCTION ,
Monday nionilnir , April 2 , nt IU o'clock. In thuoperu
house. The amount imldtobu us i > rvniiuuii. In addi
tion to the prlco of Iliu scats. All toau reiualnlnj ;
uiitoM utter thu auction will be placed on tale In the
rouular way nt the box ofuco Tuesday morning , Aprl
S , at V o'clock.
BOYD'S ' OPERA HOUSE
Four NlKlits and Saturday Matlneo ,
COMMENCING
WEDNESDAY , MARCH 28.
Arthur Rohan's ' Company pf Conieflians ,
1'UjrlnK.lbeCoruolr BnceeMei from Pair's Theater.
ftuvrlorfc.Vxlne ilar.'rUur < lar KreblDK
and btttunlajr Mutlneo.
"LOVE IN HARNESS. "
1 Krldnr naH turJareTcnln j.-NANCY ACO. " Tlili
I will be tbi ) uroitteit comoUr crcntortlie oeuoii , A
I perfect uioaitlootllKlitcoDiedlaiK. The tulleU worn
I by tlio Udle are dtrauii of luTulluoti uu ' '
I palv ut ifU bc lut Tuc Jajr uiaruliitf.
HONEY FOIl THE h/VDIKS.
Don't repine ,
Lady Mine $
Easter day is near ,
You rcgrot
Thcro nro yet
Days to pass I fear ,
Ere wo may
All bo gay ,
But bo patient dear ;
I3o in lent
Penitent ,
Keep your heart upon it ;
And your thought ,
As you ought ,
From your Enster bonnet.
She was a pretty salesgirl :
Ho asked f or n kiss ,
For ho was the accepted
Of the fair and blushing miss.
She gave him one , nnd ns she drew
Her rosy lips away.
"Is there , " slio asked In trembling tones ,
"Anything clso to-dnyl"
The spring bonnet has floral garnitures.
Draperies pinked nt the edge continue In
favor.
Elaborate military braidings are worn on
spring Jackets.
Thcro is Infinite variety In the shapes of
new polonaises. .
Time for girls"to get up nnd Jump. It's leap
year , you know.
Ornamental selvages nro seen on the now
changeable silks.
Brazil graduated her llrst female physician
a short titno ago.
Light colored carpets nnd wall papers are
most fashionable.
Never Judge the slzo of n girl's foot by the
arctics she wears.
Colors nro extensively used In tlio decora
tion of black toilets.
Waist trimmings which cross in front nro
oxccodingl.'f popular.
Chnllies will supersede nuns' veiling for
summer afternoon toilets.
Lady McDonald takes an active Interest in
revival meetings at Ottawa.
White and gold is n favorite combination
fortea-Jackots and tea-gowns.
The woman suffragists have converted
Rabbi GntthoU to their cause.
Many n homely , unattractive girl gets a
husband on account of her pa value.
Some of the admirers of Marie Hozo gave
her a diamond tiara for her birthday.
"Venetian-green and terra cotta nro com
bined in some of the newest tailor gowns.
Pretty demi-tralned toilets for young
ladles nro of white wool braided with silver.
Mary Anderson's brother is soon to bo
married to a daughter of Lawrence Barrett.
Dainty homo toilets arc almost invariably
made with a bolted corsage of soilio descrip
tion.
tion.Miss
Miss Booth , of Harper's Bazar , carnsr ,000
a yeaa by translating , besides her $3,000 M an
editor.
Palo and deep tan plush skirts are worn
with winter dresses of various colors and
fabrics.
It is not a difllcult task to discover rare
tnlunt in young ladies who parent * nro
wealthy.
Mrs. Dutton , of Indiana , Is 102 years old.
She has boon n conlirincd smoker of ninety-
two years.
Mrs. Cleveland's two pot alligators nro to
bo trained to shako hands with visiting
statesmen.
A man who is the father of fifteen buxom
daughters says his business is raising belles
in the market.
Mrs. Eunice'Hoosor , of Elkton , Ky. , has
just completed a calico quilt that is composed
of E-tOSO pieces.
A girl may bo economical , but if she has a
lover who has no objection to an arm golhg-
waist occasionally.
Four women physicians were graduated
from the medical department of Auffalo uni
versity last week.
The wife of Judge Stallo. our Minister nt
Rome , Italy , talks very llttlo English , bcintr
a Gorman by birth.
Eugene Field says it's a libel to suppose
that Chicago girls that "Romeo and Juliet"
is two separate plays.
The widow of tholato Mayno Reid , the
widely-known and popular novelist , is cncnir-
ed in writing his life.
Miss Ameho Rives , the Virginia authoress ,
is a cousin of Mr. George Rives , the assist
ant secretary of state. .
"I'm stuck on that girl , " said the court-
plaster. "Well , she breaks mo all up too "
remarked the peanut candy. '
"A Flock of Girls" is the title of a now
novel. A very noisy production , wo should
say a sister of "Chatterbox. "
Toll n girl she's pretty and she'll always
say she doesn't believe you. Tell her she-s
homely and she'll ' always get mad.
Prof. Asa Gray , although living in the con
servative atmosphere of Cambridge , nlwavs
signed the woman suffrage petition ?
Miss West , the daughter of tlio Brtish
minister , always speaks Spanish to her
father wuen they are nlono togethor.
Mrs. Ralph Waldo Emerson's name stands
atthoheauoftho woman snffrago petition
sent in this year from Concord , Mass.
A distinguished negro belle of Port-au-
Prince , Hayti. was recently married to thn
brother of William Black , the novelist.
A Michigan girl has found 2,125 four-
leave clovers , and is not married yet
Thcro is sure luck in these things for tlio
Miss Hnttle Allen , of Waterloo. In. , has
hen made assistant professor in tlio medical
department of the Michigan state university ,
Some girls insist that they do not like
.squeezing , but wo have noticed that
they are
always the onus to bo found in crowded shops
and street cars. ouuiig
Dr. Anna Kingston ] , of London illrvi I , ,
that city , February 81. She wasTa graduato' '
of the "Faculty of Paris , " and the
author of
several medical works. iur 01
Prominent women of Paris are signlmrn
petition for the suppression or restriction of
Impure literature
, nnd a league of
morals has been formed. pubUo
In a Michigan town
there is a girl whosn
height is six feet nine inches. Who , ! she
makes up her mind to get married
wager she stoops to conquer. you can
It Is a well known fact
among artists tlmr
a maiden of thirty-nvo summon and f-ioo mo
Is a moro beautiful '
being than bno'vr
eighteen winters nnd no cash to speak of
Mrs. Dr. Smith hos contributed fPood
fnr
the purposoof " ' ?
constructing aT"ii nv 'hn , nM
for the use of the children of Newark NJ
who Imvo no place but the streets to pinY in'
The latest novelty In cloves ( * tin n
glove of tan-colored ungS 1 fd ?
vev
i ippllng over llio arm. u ' without m , v i , ? ,
. U
ssatuas-s - wuo cun *
clal entity take , her daily walk"0" US " B0'
Round waists bolted with , -fcv ,
by very young ladici in tile r ° rn
wearer is plump these mffk J ( S"10 "
nro made ,
but if she is slight thov urn , . ? q , Illalni
orcd
ttOT
nnd stool , nil used tocethnr' ui ° ,
effect , dold with Jet and TOW wi A
found very offeetlvo on mosrolors m' °
° OIh0
this j ovorJrl
spring is wearing 1/ ovorJr ? '
walking dresses , sf on ovfl h"rPli1tCra wlt Ler
bo the only thlnff leff& r , , ilVlrc88 Bult wills
s- ,
occur , boginnIi . A total nUU ocn/ On ° 'iU , > o moon
j.uu vriiitu giiichuui IntivJi , , i1. " " " "no.
with black stripes bj .cedlast au "ner ,
ars
again chosen. ' or broke" I'lalila.aro
that thus womcii
VmrdVp1 | Ur to "ow W iS
a ; .JH-rtocan U ace w Held , inasinucu
. . ' . , : . - ; ' . ; . . - ' . . - ' . ; / . ' . ' ; . . '
' ' ' ' " ' '
' ' ' " V. " : : < " "
. ' . ; . . . < " . . : / . ' .
's women have nlwaj-s been "bcnl" on
matching" and "joining"
A dftURhlcr of Llttlo Chief and Good-ft b ,
Bill's Indians lit-
pf Buffalo , was baptized
Manchester last montll under the title of
Francis Folsom Cleveland Victoria Alexan
der. She will bo knbtfn. however , among
the Indians ns "Over tlAs Water. "
Cheviots in cool natural gray and fawn , In
lclfcnto colored saUfons have exquisitely
tinted grounds , buff , | vlo lavender , rcru , palo
blue , rose pink and gray the surfaces of some
being nearly covered With fanciful designs ,
whllo others show wide" stripes of Persian
patterns alternating With floral outlines.
Ladles who rnnko utf their cotton dresses
for next summer wear- how , almost iuvnrl-
ably cheese two glnghrttns , ono of light doll-
onto shade for n pretty house costume nnd n
dark one of Scotch pndd , stripes or some
plain dark color for street wear or summer
traveling.
Lady Purchaser "Now , please do not ask
after f have bought what I want if there's
anything clso. If I want anything else I can
remember to ask for it without being remind
ed that tlioro Is something clso that I may
want. Do you understand I" Salesman
"Vcs'm. Anything else. "
Modern Greek women excel not only in
personal refinement , but in general intelli
gence and dcslro for self-improvement. The
Grcok women of the upper class nro general
ly clover , well brcdwcll informed nnd might
rival In nccompllshinonts.culturo nnd conver
sational powers their sisters of the west.
Pearls nro at present the gems of highest
fashionable favor , outrivaling the diamond.
They nro Queen Victoria's favorite , and the
chosen adornment of the queen of Italy.
Queen Marguerite is superstitious about her
pearls. The last tlmo they wore mislaid the
king was shot , and she connects the Vwo cir
cumstances nnd watches them with the most
Jealous care.
line horrliiR-bono pattern , are always in de
mand bv refined women of conservative
taMo. IVllxturcs in black nnd white slion-
licnl's ' checks nnd crossbars promise to bo in
splendid demand. There Is always n largo
quantity of such goods sold in Now York to
ladies who nro taking off. mourning and to
many who congno tholr mourning street
dress to some combination of black , white or
gray.
Fashion Is by no means exclusive this year ,
nnd It is difficult to say which style of dress
Is most in voguo. Peaked bodices have by
no means been laid aside , and yet in now
coatuinos for the early sprinft wo see a great
many round waists ; not short under the
arms , ns they were under the first empire ,
but Just nt the proper place and encircled by
a skillfully draped sash of faille , molro or
surahT With round waists , the scarf-sash
and Bcmt-traincd skirt nro coming in ngnin j
but this style Is by no means exclusively
adopted , and the peaked bodice is still much
worn , especially for evening dresses.
It Is not considered proper for canons of
the church to get loaded.
Mamma Who dwelt in the Garden of
Eden , Frcddiol Froddlo-O , I know , the
Adamses I
Renan culls St. Paul "that ugly llttlo Jew. "
Ho was weak-eyed , stoop-shouldered , prob
ably a stammerer.
Sunday School Teacher Now , boys , who
'shall Inherit the earth ? " Little Johnnie
( wise beyond his years ) : Please , mum , it's
the Irish.
A clergyman declares that ho never did n
bad act but that ho Immediately rt-grottod it.
Rather n neat way oC saying that ho was
caught at it. > jf {
A pious porkpackor ot Chicago has on ono
wall of his ofllco this motto : "Trust in the
Lard , " nnd on the. other this ono : "Tho
Lard Will Provide. " '
George W. Rosuro , tUp cowboy evangelist.
is said to have nu incouia of $150 a day. Ho'u
never make that money ; ! corrallng cattle or
cleaning out gin Jolutsmi
Wife Rov. Gums said for us to go to
church this morning prepared for n collec
tion. Husband I am prepared. I loft every
cent I had in my otherclothes. ,
*
It was a patriotic but disguised Scotchman
at Fort Beaufort whoa exclaimed : "Gudo
save us I I'd rather gang- homo an' bo hanged
than dee hero a naturalUioatli. "
Fond Wife The Smiths must bo awfully
poor , they never give u'nything to charities.
Ho Well , but wo dori'febither. Fond Wife
Oh , but it isn't because wo haven't plenty 1
Rov. Joseph Cook has boon pronouncing
unconstitutional a law in relation to public
preaching , and some irreverent Boston pa
pers are proposing him lor the suprcuTa
court.
Editor ( to proof-reader ) : "You are getting
careless. Mr. Reviser. The name of the
evangelist appears in to-day's paper as $ am
Jones. " Proof-reader : "Well , that is not a
very bad mistake , sir. "
At Galesburg , 111. , the churches tried the
effect of prayer on the Burlington strike last
Sunday. Judging by the present condition of
affairs wo are constrained to believe that
faith , oven as n grain of mustard seed , docs
not exist in Galesburg.
Rov. Dr. Chasuble ( to only member pres
ent ) I am thankful that ono niembor ot the
church is not afraid to come out in rain as
well as in sunshine. Mrs. Pray Well , if it
hadn't have stormed , I couldn't have come ,
for my now bonnet isn't ready.
Passenger ( to street car conductor ) Do
you over go to church , young man } Con
ductor No , sir ; but I always got n load of
people coming from church every Sunday
morning , so I know all about the sermon. A
good many poor sermons preached nowadays -
days , sir.
Elderly Gentleman ( taking a stroll on Sun
day morning , to cabman ) My friend , are
you a God-fearing man ; do you give that at
tention to religious matters which all men
should ? Cabman Oh , yes , sir ; Jump 111 and
I'll drive you to any church on the avenue
for n dollar.
"I always liked the Episcopal religion
best , " said Bill , as ho eyed a pretty girl with
her morocco bound prayer book in the horse
car. "If you nro an Episcopalian you got
credit for going to church not only while
you uro there , but all the way going and all
the way homo. "
"Well. Johnny , " sold the Sunday school
teacher to ono of her little pupils , "I under
stand there's a now baby nt your house.
What do they cull it ) " "Why , " saiil
Johnny , with childish frankness , "mamma
calls it n little angel , but this morning papa
called it a darned nuisance. "
A llttlo nsked his
four-year-old grand
mother : "Grandma , did God make you I"
"Yes , I suppose so , " answered his grand
mother. nbsontly , The boy looked nt her
thoughtfully for a moment , nnd then , as II
convinced that it had been quite n largo con
tract , said suddenly , "Grandma , ! guess Jesus
helped I"
"My beloved brethren , " announced u
preacher from his pulpit , "on Sabbath morn
ing next n collection will bo taken up for our
blessed Fiji mission. ' "Amen ! " rang fer
vently through the congregation. "And I
would add , " went on jtuo preacher impres
sively , "that nmens , however resonant and
sincere , innlco but llttlo.ruttlo . iu the contri
bution box. Lot us unite in prayer , "
A citizen of SmltUvllId ; Ga. , says that the
other morning , bearing h voice in an old log
pen by the roadside , ho looked in. Ho saw
an aged and diBBlpatcd&trangor on his knecu
praying : "Oh Lord , soften the hearts of the
people that I may not lack for broad ns I go
ulong. " In answer to tf question the tramp
said that ho never failetl.to get bread when
ho prayed for it , and that ho never failed to
pray.
The flrst step In the breaking up of the
iwwer of the Mormon 'dhurch has certainly
been taken. At a ball recently given at the
Mormon theater in Salt Luke City many gen
tiles accepted invitations and danced with
the Mormon maidens. 'Governor ' West gave
n reception after the Mil at a gentile hotel ,
whore saints and sinners mingled upon cor
dial terms. Ono night in'tho ball-room may
do moro to break the power of the Mormon
church than u month of lawsuits.
A young preacher the other day , undertak
ing to "stump" Bishop Foss , of the Methodist
church , with a "temperance" question , said :
"Why , brother , If there was n mad dog run
ning up nnd down the streets would you shoot
It or would you hedge It In ? " To which the
wise bishop uiodo quick reply : "If the mad
dog hud been running up and down the
htrcottt fpr thirty years , and I had been blaz
ing away at it all that time without hitting
it , I guess I'd try and hedge it in. "
Every person is interested in their
own nllttire , nnd if this moots the eye of
nny ono who is BurTorincf from the ollects
of n , torpid liver , we wall ndmlt that ho
is interested in gottintr well. Get a
Ijpttlo-pf Prickly -Ash Bitters , 'use it aa
directed ; and you will always bo glad
you' read , this item.- .
' ' -
THE ENTIRE STOCK OF
O o T n i isr a-
Must and will be sold , preparatory to removal to the Falconer corner ,
The .new firm POSITIVELY REFUSE to accept any of this stock. These
are all new , fresh goods ; most of them just from the factory. In order to
dispose of this stock as quickly as possible , everything will be put down
to a price that is bound to make the sale.
THE TWO ORPHANS will now sell you a complete suit for only $1.00 ,
SUIT worth. $5.00 nt $3 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth $3.00 for . $10
A SUIT worth S8.00 nt $5 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth $ i.OO for . $3 fiO
A SUIT wvorth 810.00 at 87 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth $4.50 for . w $
A SUIT worth $14:00 nt 310 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth $ T .00 for . $3 0
A SUIT worth $18.00 tit 813 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth $5.60 for . $3 78
A SUIT worth $20.00 nt $14 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth SG.OO for . $ l)5 ( )
A SUIT worth $25.00 at $17 00 1 PAIR PANTS ? worth $7.00 for . $4 60
A SUIT worth $30.00 at 819 00 1 PAIR PANTS worth SS.50 for . $5 tf >
GUILDS' SUITS worth $ -1.00 nt . $2 fiO
CHILDS1 SUITS worth $4.60 nt . f . $3 00
GUILDS' SUITS worth $1.76 nt . $3 25
GUILDS' SULTS worth $5.00 at . $3 60
GUILDS' SUITS worth $5.60 at . $ -1 00
GUILDS' SUITS worth $0.00 nt . $1 25
GUILDS' SUITS worth $7.00 at . $4 75
These prices m.ay seem ridiculous , but vre are ready to convince any one in. search of a
new suit , or anything else in our line that everything we have in the house will bo found a
bargain as incredible as the above.
Of course the choicest new goods will be apt to go first , and those who come at once will
get the cream.
TWO ORPHANS , - 1 1 1 3 Farnam Street *
*
PEPPEUMENT DUOPS.
Holds his hone The barber.
A false stop That made with a cork log.
Why is wood like sleep ? Beeauso it'slum-
bcr.
bcr.It's
It's always soft weather when it rains
hard.
hard.A
A combination lock makes a good chest
protector.
The now treaty is enough to mnko the
codfish bawl.
These who engage In a milk trust evidently
want the cream of it.
With a cockney Englishman "tho letter
that never came" Is an h.
Why is hemlock lllco cornbrcad and mo
lasses I It's cheap board.
Why is a ton of coal like a ship ) When
it's under weigh , of course.
It doesn't follow that every man who has a
hoarse voice- a stable follow.
In the bright lexicon of the anarchist there
is no such , word ns clothes line.
Why Is your hat like an advance agent !
Because it goes on a head , of courso.
When is a. women lllco a vicious horse ?
When she takes the bits in her teeth.
When does a hen withdraw from llio ?
Y/hsn she makes her egg-sit , of courso.
Farm note After a citizen has had a bully
time at the club ho goes homo with a cowed
look.
look.When
When n man thinks the world Is his oyster
ho can soon manage to get himself into a
stow.
Blinders ore now put on white horses so
they will not stop to look after rod-headed
girls.
Easter Sunday this year comes on the 1st
of April. Somebody will got fooled on now
bonnets.
When engineers find a jollroad company is
putting on too much steanPa strike is their
safety valve.
There is no telling what Sampson might
have been if ho had had John L. Sullivan's
opportunities.
Why is whiskey like the flowers that bloom
In the spring ! Because it makes the nose
gay , my dear.
The poet who burns the "midnight oil" is
kept awake by the muse. It's the sanio way
with a man who keeps n cat.
The balloon for the 4th of Jnly is to bo
named "Anthracite. " The aeronaut thinks
it will keep up for a long time.
Smart Boy Do you keep all the brands of
teas ? Grocer Yes , sir ; what kind do you
prefer ? Smart Boy Socrates.
The rock strata under nnd about Cincin
nati have millions of fossils In them , Moro
arc being added us fast as they die.
Don't laugh when you see n woman trying
to drive ri horse. It may seem funny to you ,
but think how the poor horse must suffer.
Another mineral spring has been found at
a well-known watering place. It Is said to
taste vile enough to make It worth a fortune.
A St. Louis man wants a divorce because
his wife smokes , snoreswhistles , and swears.
She evidently made a mistake in being a
woman.
The man who begins to wear n spring suit
now should receive duo praise for his econ
omy , for ho probably will never need
another.
The straw Is put In the bottom of street
cars for warmth , and not , as some have sup
posed , to enable passengers to lose their
chUngo.
A Boston man proposes to exhibit a dog
valued at 81,500 ut the bench show. This
must bo the chap who advertises "three-dol
lar pants. "
An Albany judge has decided that a man's
legal residence In where ho has his washing
done. According to this ruling the tramp has
no legal residence.
"What is homo without n motherl" It's a
place where girls can sit up with their follow
until they hear the old man coming in the
gate about midnight.
"Why is a frog like n man who bets on the
wrong horse ? " uskcu the snake editor. "Give
it up , " replied the horse editor. "Because
ho Is a green backer. "
A tame deer named G rover Cleveland has
been placed in ono of the city parks of Haiti *
more. Probably the gift of some ofilce-scekcr
that thrift may follow fawning.
Six species of North American birds have
become extinct In the last ton years. They
were probably mixed up in some pot-pio
affair when they made their exit.
Yale college is said to bo in need of $2,000- ,
000. When you consider the size of the canes
now used , you must understand that this
"cane" rush business is expensive.
Wo trust that winter will not linger In the
lap of spring very long this year. It is leap
year and spring has a perfect right to hint
to him that he Is not wanted around.
It has never vet been decided by compe
tent authorities whether snoring is vocal or
instrumental music. Calling it "sheet
inuslo" doesn't settle the mutter at all.
The Princess of Wales Is so deaf that she
is compelled to use on cur-trumpet. This
docs away with the use of the prince remov
ing his boots a block away from the house.
That's not a bad proposition for the dispo
sition of abandoned gas and oil wells , viz. , to
cut them up In six feet lengths and sell them
to the electric light companics'for posthojcal
"The Artof Investing" is the title of n current -
rent book. If the author hod o.nly turned his
attention to the elucidation of the art. of
acquiring something to invest , his work
would have a wider circle of anxious readers.
Gcorgo Eliot says : ' "Old men's eyps are
like old men's memqrle'vUay ; are strongest
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.
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for things n long way off. " Tnoy don't ap
ply to old men in the front row nt the bur
lesque.
Since Russian law forbids the use of excla
mation points in n newspaper article , onolsnt
a loss to see how can bo properly interpret
ed therein a Muscovite's outburst when ho
stops on a tack.
A professor in Montreal has set himself to
work nnd has mastered twelve languages ,
nnd yet wo don't imagine ho dares to open
his mouth when his wife wants to know why
ho stayed out so late.
An Indiana judge did not know what a
cartoon was. A lawyer sketched the body
of a Jackass with the judge's head nnd face
attached as n specimen , nnd was promptly
fined $25 for contempt of court.
For the benefit of these who ore getting
tired of "Truly rural" as a cure for stam
mering the following Is respectfully sub
mitted : "Pronounce rnpialy : "She sells
sea shells ; shall she soil sea shells ? "
The hanging of Mr. Maxwell , of St. Louis ,
is sot for early in Juno. It is understood
that ho has written a letter dc'cllniug the
nomination , but there are strong , hopes of
his being Induced to reconsider his action.
In Winter wo meet the thermometer liar ,
In Summer the fish liar tells of his string ,
But both classes nowvery quickly retire
Before him who's seen the first robin of
Spring.
CONNCBIAL-ITIES.
The girls who-tnko advantage of leap year
are the ones who will want to bo known in
the future as "Mrs , So-and so and husband. "
An Ypsilantl man. has a queer orazo that
of collecting axes. Ho has ninety-two differ
ent kinds , and yet his wife complains of a
scarcity of kindling wood.
Mr. Dawson , of Peru. Ind. , began marry
ing in 1832 , and ho has been marrying at fre
quent intervals over since. The other day" ,
nt the ago of seventy-six , ho took his seventh
wife.
There is a thrifty woman living nt Briar
Creek , N. Y. Not long ago her husband died
nnd she took the headstone from his first
wife's grave nnd had It dressed over and ro-
lettered for his grave.
"My errand here to-night , " said a young
lawyer to a damsel on whom ho hnd called
"reminds mo of the cry of an owl. " "In
deed , " said the maiden ; "what Is your er
rand hero to-nlghU" "Courtship. To wit ,
to woo. "
In the Munn divorce suit which is now on
trial in Boiolt , Wis. , the testimony brought
cnit the fact that Mrs. Munn's parents consented - '
sented to her marriage only on the condition
that her future husband deed them a forty-
acre farm.
"I do not think , madam , " ' said n husband
when taking his wife to task , "that any man
of thn least sense would approve of your
conduct. " "Sir , " she replied , "perhaps you
nro the best Judge of what people with the
least sense would do. "
Isaac Ennis , who died in Philadelphia re
cently , claimed to bo the first man to enter a
lion's cage iu this country. The first man to
wake up his wife when ho returned homo nt
2 u. in , in a wobbly condition nnd found her
asleep has not yet been found.
Albert Fnizer , a convict In the Michigan
penitentiary , escaped and n reward wns of
fered for his capture. Ho communicated
with his wife who wns having n hard strug
gle with poverty , and induced her to deliver
him up nnd get the reward. So she did , and
Fni'/or iu happier than ho has been for years.
Before the wedding day ho vows and pro
tests that his dearest care will be ho happi
ness , and that there is no sacrifice too great
for him to make to secure her comfort.
Three months after they are married she lum
to tack the blankets to the sldo of the bed to
keep him from rolling himself up in all the
clothes.
The plump and pretty pers on who wants to
form "Widows' ' trust" does
a not seem to ap
preciate the gravity of the undertaking.
Widows maybe partial to cornersbut It is biil'o
to say when it comes to a question of com
bination they will cry with ono voice , "No
trust. Experience is u great teacher , nnd the
widow Is u wily bird.
Henry Schnmmol , of the packing factory
of the name name , procured a license to
marry Bertha Wagner , need twenty-nine , of
tXH Greenwich street. Schaminol was the
defendant in the long and bitterly contested
divorce suit of his wife , finally decided in her
favor by n Jury. Bertha Wngtior Is also a di
vorced woman , who was one of Schatnmol's
principal witnesses on the trial of the divorce
case. i
A school teacher in Buffalo oounty. Dale. ,
who made a record for bravery during the
bll7/ard , fell a victim to his own rashness
one day last week. His wife was ono of tils
pupils , and ho hud occasion to punish her for
some infraction of the rules as an example to
the other Echolara. The next day the school
house had this notice stuck on the door ;
"School closed for ono week owing to the
illness of the teach or. "
A Belleville ( Mich , ) man "sat into n little
game" the other night , and did not get to bed
until after V u. in. After ho had slept only a
few minutes , as it seemed to him , ho was
awakened by noises down-stairs. Jumping
to the conclusion that there were , burglars
down there ; ho seized n shotgun , and.without
waiting to cover his bare legs , dashed into
the kitchen to attack them , Jf ho had waited
to dress himself the hired girl would not have
screamed so loud or dropped so much of the
breakfast. .
There is now living iu Plckens.county ,
, Georgia , a man > vhu. during llio rebellion , .
, donned his wife , ' ! ) 'dress , kept his face closely
shaved , and wore u big uunb'pnnct , in order
; to avoid buiuf conscripted irud being sent to'
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