Nebraska Newspapers

    iiTr < t *
12 THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY , FEBRUARY 19 , 1888. TWELVE PAGES ,
INCIDENTS OMHE ALTAR ,
| , My Wlfo-A ObaptoW on Mat- ;
riagei'
fcOLLEGE GIRLS AND , MATRIMONY.
| * Amcrlcnn-CJLIncHO MnrrlnjrcH The
Wlfte nnd the Mulc.-rJnnunry and
May A Janlifal Urlilcsrroom
YonniIjorcn Triumphs.
My Wire.
She's the dearest little lady
And her eyes nro deep anil shady
AH itlio kneels.
And her look of pure emotion
' Bhows how true Is tlio devotion
' 1 hat she tcols.
She Is plump , nnd oh , so pretty ,
\Vlth her no ono in the eity
Cun compare.
Of her charm * I niight make mention ,
Her sweet eyes arfc'ljko the gentian ,
Blue anUTSr'c. '
She tins hnlr of richi 'tlntlng ,
Softest brown , with gold gleams glinting ,
Hero nndthere.
On her chocks n him" reposes
Like the hearts of blushing roses ,
Yet mow fair'
I could read n page of Latin
Sooner thnn describe the satin
Of her gown ,
Of its shade there's no divining ,
So I watch Its silken shining
Looking down.
Oh , she's such n dainty treasure 1
I could never , novcr measure
All her charms.
So I sit and lose tho'prcachlng ,
Only thinking now of reaching
Her soft ariAs.
On the sermon's speedy ondlnp ,
All the hopes are now depending
Of my life.
My excuse , if you'll bollevo mo ,
Full confession will relieve mo-
She's my wife.
A Chapter oji Matrimony.
Ban Francisco Xlln , California : Wo
do not hnil this compulsory competition
for self-support by women us a wholo-
eomo sign , for it is not.
There is a remedy that is in the
hands of young men. Perhaps its use
depends upon increasing the oerttiinity
of work unil the stability of w.ngcs , mid ,
perhaps , too , these must follow its ubo.
Who can toll ? ,
This remedy is Jn , wife-seeking by
young men. Wo dnu not agree that a
married woman's life id erie of depend
ence , for it is not. In the management
of her household und the nurture and
culture of her children , she is self-
supporting in a higher s'cnso thnn when
working for wagon merely to support
her own necessities. Withdrawn from
the wage-working ranks ; the disappear
ance"of her compopfJdn adds to the
Volume of wtigcs thOi ? margin between
the cheaper labor ; -innil " - ho higher
wages of a man , nnd.ior4njluenco ( ] upon
the tomperunca , aild frugality of nor
huBbnnd usually bo far restrains his
useless or vicious expenditures so its tenet
not in the volume of wkgeian amount
equal to what she wouldUgjhl.
Asa social force , tQndiri&to a better
nnd more orderly life in tfo man who
marries her , she becomes ittjiost impor
tant agent of the state. She htiinds in
the place "of prison and policeman , of
judge and jury. So the married woman
IH crowned with much honor and her
life IB full of glory.
The advice to young mon to marry is
not limited to these who confess them
selves wngo workers , but is applicable
to these who boast of belonging to the
salaried class clerk , bookkeepers , sol
icitors , agents , foremen , bosses , etc.
A man can marry sensibly and safely
on $10 n week. At $20 n week ho is
without oxcubo for celibacy , and at a
wage above that his abstention becomes
almost a crime against society. Ho is
almost sure to bo wasting a largo share
of his earnings upon the major vices.
Ho is a menace to virtue , a promoter
* of debauchery , a danger1 to the
' * state. . . . ,
4 If young men will not njAcry the up-
f right girls in their own stu'tij > nwho are
4 willing to help found a ho ig they must
fr expect to meet these girltjl irt the strug-
J glo for self-support as wage workers in
I nn increasing competition , which adds
J. continually to the evils of society that
( flow from u lack of the normal percen
tage of marriages. *
H Finally , wages adjust themselves to a
i colihato bocioty. In ono of his decisions
Involving a question of labor and wages
Justice Field has wisely said that wages
in this country should bo adjusted , not
to the standard of self-support for the
< wage-worker himself. They should bo
; determined by the Ifighor standard of
hlB ability to maintain respectably his
' wife and nis children. To provide for
i them n comfortable homo , which heX
X owns , nnd the moans to enjoy the wor-
I ship and its elevating influences , and to
* seek proper schooling and culture.
( Therein ho uttorcid,4ho law and tle )
f , torophots' upon theisauo , which in-
( involves not only the dome'stio hnppl-
j DOES of the individual , .but the safety
| and grentnobs of tho-state.
| College Girls uiul Marriage. '
ft This is from n Vnssar girl , who writes
* * to protest agninstrjtho many gibes nt
college girls which1 appear from time to
time in newspapers. What is there ,
she risks , in a college education incom
patible with matrimony ? Is tv love of
study nnd culture njilugonistio to perfect
Womanliness , iiiuV * tyjrfoct wifehood ?
Are the terms lovq nnd Latin , marriage
ftnd mathematics , BO incorrigible ?
Why , then these ranks of rosy-cheeked
maidens , these tastefully decorated
rooms ono bees in the halls of girl grad
uates , these frequent desertions of the
ranks of spiiibterdom recorded in the
nnnnls of their past , not to speak of
their many unrecorded womanly acts
and ofllcos ? Wo hear frequently of the
terrible dangers of over-btudy and ex
amination to the UOlicuto nervous or
ganisation of our BOX. But what of the
equally terrible dangers of indolence ,
nimlcsHiicss , late hour3or boeiul excite
ment which besot tte jioij'-stiulloiiB , and
dovelopo fully ns jnAuy Ijysterical sub
jects ns does the mtfty aligned over-
study ? There arOj.b dojiU whose am
bition cruises themVto Disregard the
warnings of common eTuhe.-who trust tc
cram nnd frantic spurts rather than to n
clear brain and steady work ; but sueli
are the exceptions. Why should thoj
bo quoted as the representative studenl
who finds rather a , safeguard from mor
bidity and ill health in the rogulai
hours , congenial MKtupntion , plcasnnl
companionship , plain fare , and outdooi
oxorcito of n btuuent'ts 11 r-o ut college ?
Chicago HoruldJ& Dr. peorgo n
Wnlkor , who has an oftico in the Mor
risen building , lays claim to the title :
of doctor of medicine nnd doctor of di
vlnlty , nnd ho por/oVms the olllccs o
both whenever the oujrartunity offer
itself. The btuto board of health is dis
puting his right to uttach M. D. to hi
numo , but it has not inado any effort ti
interfere with his practice pending i
Bottlomont of the trouble. The doctor'
thief usefulness us a D. D , has been hi
friendliness to young Chinumon wh
Rsplrod lo become the uusbands of whiti
girt * . He has.Bolomnlzcdno lees thai
aiae of these queers mnrrlngos , and , ii
fact , ho , can myttualm 'to the factc
b ikg the pioneer in tbd business , for i
was ho who married Sing liuo ton (
buxom German girl about twoydnrajtRo.
*
Sing Luo , who is a sortof.a , leader ,
among Chicago's yellow ( nlmbitanU ,
wnH so v , ell satisfied with the doctor's
work lluiC Ko lint given him ii practical
monopoly of Chinese wcddlngH , and hl
wife IniH devoted most of her time to
finding girls who wore , willing to marry
Chiriamen. She has been .successful tea
a remarkable degoeo , for there nro no
IL-KS than u hundred Oriental residents
in Chicago who have white wives , and
nearly all of thomN > wo tholr happiness
to Mrs. Sing Luc. Her latest eBwvy in
the match-making line resulted in the
marriage of u young Gorman girl to
Quong Yick , nWollHstrcotlaundrynmn ,
on Monday. Dr. Walker tied the knot
in this instance , but ho did not mnko it
secure enough to bold the new Mrs.
Yiok true to her vows , for within four
hours after she left his olllco she lied
from her almond-eyed spouse and took
refuge with her mother.
The AYITe and the Mule. >
Chicago Times : l'Wo are presented
with the absurdity that a wife may HUO
her husband for beating her mule , but
not for beating herself. " Judge Wat-
teraon decided that Mrs. Crocker could
not sue Crocker for beating her. If the
provisions of common law which sustain
this decision "arc to bo altered , it must
bo done by legislative action. " Ah !
there's the rub. The common law pro
tects the mule , but allows the husband
to chastise the wife , provided ho docs it
with force proportionate to her offense.
Ho may not do it with u clnb , but ho
must take a rod the thickness of his
thumb. A stout hickory or wjllow switch
is within the common law. jCrockor
know this , probably , and also tKat'Mrs.
Crocker had noway of infiuoncing "leg
islative enactments. " There are some
modifications of the" common law in
municipal affairs , and the mull who
whips his wife docs not always com
mand as high social position as ho once
did , but still other Crackers can cut
other switches and lick other Mrs.
Crockcrs reasonable without danger of
suits for damages. Many husbands have
yet a great fondness for the old common
law , the older the better. .
Recently a reader of the New Ydrk
World asked that journal "if there was
any way of compelling the father of a
largo family , who is in the habit of
beating his grown-up girls for the most
trivial offenses , to keep the peace , with
out publicity. " The World replied as
follows :
/In ' a case like this the grown-up girls
would'be justified in using their united
strength to tie their brutal father to a
bed-post and keep him there until ho
would promisO'to desist. A taste of his
own medicine , or a little hot water
trickled down his back , might help him
to reform. If this is impracticabloa con
fidential statement of the facts to a po
lice magistrate might secure from that
official a private admonition to the
brute that he would bo arrested and
punished if ho did not stop his barbar
ity. Wife-beaters and girl-whippors
ought to bo flogged at a whipping-post. "
To the last sentence no respectable
citizen objects , and yet wife-whipping ia
a very common crime. There IB no nd-
cquato punishment for it , and no day
pusses in which cases do not occur , outr
rageovs and shameful. It is probable
that not one in u hundred reaches the
public. A special punishment should
bo provided for wife-beating. The
moro fact that there existed such a
statute would protect many poor
women. Besides this , it would empha
size the scorn of the public for the biuto
who bflhts the woman ho should protects
ith his lifo. The old common law has
more respect for u mule than a wifo.
Jnnnury nnd May.
Edith Johns , Rgod seventeen , was ro-
icntly privately married to Jesse Tyson ,
, ged sixty-five , at the residence of the
irido's parents in Baltimore. Owing to
ho great disparity in the ages of the
contracting parties , the wealth of Mr.
Tyson , the social prominence of both ,
ind the postponement of the marriage ,
vhich was to have taken place some
imo ago , whereby a fashionable au-
ionco that had gathered at the church
s .witness the ceremony was loftjp
ihivor in the cold , there was widp-J
proud interest in the ovont. It was
ntondcd to have celebrated it olabor-
utoly at Emtuiu El-church , but the
"eath of Mrs. James Tyson , sistcr-in-
aw of the bridegroom , necessitated a
hango of programme. Only the imme
diuto families of the bride nnd groom
ind n few special friends were ' present.
General Laughron Wister , of' Philadel
phia , acted as best man and a younger
istor of the bride as bridesmaid. It is
tatud on good authority that during
ho afternoon Mr. Tyson settled $100,000
his bride-elect.
The Ceremony Repeated.
Atlanta Constitution : A romantic
marriage was performed " "at the little
town of Newton , N. C. , which attracts
much attention , and is the sequel of a
curious complication. Seventeen years
ngo Mrs. Elizabeth Ferguson was living
in Rowan county with her first husband ,
John B. Ferguson. Ono dayho , on
some pretext or other , went to Georgia.
The wife patiently awaited liis return ,
'or ' two years , and finally hoard ho was1
dead. After many years of supposed
widowhood , she went to live as a house
keeper in the family of Mr. A. Halo ,
a wealthy retired jeweler of Charlotte -
lotto , who had moved on a farm ho
owned in her neighborhood , on account-
of the delicate health of his wifo. Mrs.
Halo died , and eighteen months ago
Mr. Halo married Mrs. Ferguson. They
lived happily until a month or two ago ,
when it was discovered that Ferguson ,
after going to Georgia , had married
another woman and * was still alive.
Stops were at once taken by Mrs. Fer
guson , now Mrs. Halo , to obtain a di
vorce , and proceedings worq begun in
Catawba county superior court by pub
lishing notice to Ferguson. The case
came up yesterday , and hearing thfi
facts , the court at ouco granted to Mrs.
Ferguson an absolute divorce. Last
night , at the Hivynos house , in the pres
ence of Judge Boykin , ox-Congressman
Armtleld and many prominent lawyers ,
Mr. Hule > and his wife were united
firmly. They were serenaded by the
band , and a largo crowd was attracted
to the house. All felt lit sympathy
with the bride and groom over the
happy termination of their trouble. '
A IluHliful ItrldcRroom.
Nashville American : Down at Flat
Creek in this state thcro was a few
years ngo a couple who were engaged to
bo married. The time was sot. and all
was made ready. The time was about
up , and the preacher asked the young
mnn whore ins license was. The fellow
said : "I thought the preachers had the
license. " As the town was nearby
whore the license could bo obtained ,
{ ho wedding came off , and things wont
on all right till about bedtiinuvhon
something was said about it being time
to go to bedund the groom said : "Well ,
it is time I was going homo. "
"No , that will never do ; you must
stay all night , " said some one of the
family.
"Yes , I wMl have to go homo , for ]
didn't toll pop that Ivis going to stay
all night , and he wouldn't like It for mete
to keep old Sail out all night. " Sail
was the name of the nag ho was riding
Married for Money.
Special Now York Dispatch to the
Globe-Democrat : Young Jacob Wilsor
wanted to. marry Mary A. Koune , uiu
she wouldn't. Many n time ho asked
her ; many n time she wild no. He has a
broken noso. By way of counterbal
ancing advantage ho had a father , also ,
Jacob Wilson , a South street wholesale
liquor dealer , who had * i00,000. ! Ac
cording to Mlns Mary , old Jacob told
her , on March iM , 1883 , that if she
would marry young Jacob ho would
give her a house in uniontown , N. J. ,
415,000 cash and 1100 n month. This
time Mary said yes. The contract was
put into writingand she married young
ftiicob the Very next day. The house
and lot were deeded to her , nnd she ro-
colvcd her $100 a month regular
ly up to the time of her
father-in-law's dentb on May 20 , 1883.
Then it stopped. She never
got the $1/5,000 cash. The case was on
trial before Judge Andrews in the
supreme court yesterday. The defend
ant in the suit is Ella Wilson , the widow
and second wife of the old man. She
says she knows nothing ol any such con
tract. Miss Mary didn't know when
she married young Jacob that old Jacob
had a wife , but he had married his ser
vant. Ever since his death the estate
has been in litigation. Mrs. Wilson
testified yesterday that she had never
seen the contract since her father-in-
law first showed it to her. She hod re
quested her father-in-law to keep it and
put it In the safe for her.
Her husband , Jacob Wilson , also tes-
ged about the contract , und in ndditoin
stated that about n week after his
father's death arrangements were made
to examine his papers in his safe at his
olllco. Ho went there and found his
stepmother and his uncle , Joseph Wil
son , oxaming all of his father's papers.
When asked if ho wanted to look over
the papers , ho remarked : "No , I am
loft out in the matter entirely. " Ho
did not see the contract among the pa-1
pers. There was other corroborative
evidence. The trial will bo continued
to-morrow.
v
Young Love Triumphs.
Kansas City Special : A little over a
year ago Miss Pattio Alexander ,
daughter of O. Alexander , mil
lionaire banker of Paris , Ky. , saw and
loved Owen L. Davis , but , as Davis was
only a clerk in an oxprcssotllco and Pat
tie was only "sweet sixteen , " the pa
rents objected , and in order to prevent
any entangling alliances Miss Pattio
was sent to Paris , Franco , nt onco.
A year passed , and the inaidon re
turned to her Kentucky homo. But ab
sence instead of curing the passion only
mudo it stronger , and , as an attempt
was made to elope , the parents sent Pat
tie to make a prolonged visit to her
uncles , Messrs. Hall and Kellcy Brent ,
ofthis.city. About three weeks ago
Miss Pattio left ' ono uncle's
house , ostensibly to visit the
others , nnd when evening came
a telephone message announced
that she would remain all night. On
Mr. Brent's arrival homo ho was told of
the circumstances nnd he at once sus
pected that all was not as it should bo ,
and called up his brother who informed
him that the girl had not boon there.
The two brothers at once instituted a
search and found her nt the union
depot ready to take the train In com
pany with young Davis.
The irate uncles ut once demanded
her return , but Davis put in a veto by
saying they wore married and his wife
should go with him. Ho was asked to
show the wedding certificate and it was
then learned they had not boon mar
ried but were on their way to have the
ceremony performed.
The next day Pattio started back to
Kentucky in charge of ono of the uncles.
For a while nil went well , but on the
morning of January 28 , the lover got a
ladder to the fair ono , and the pair ,
braving the dangers of n river full of
lloating ice wont in a frail skiff to Aber-
dcon.O. , whore at 7 o'clock in the morn
ing they wore mudo man and wife. The
parents succumbed to the inevitable ,
and now the young couple are happy in
the banker's homo.
CONNUBlAlilTIES.
It's getting to bo that in nuptial affairs
The rule of precaution enforces.
The wedding certificates being prepared
With n coupon or two for divorces.
Congressman Hopkins is engaged to marry
a daughter of George Francis Truin.
Solomon Lowell Dyer and his wife cele
brated the sixtieth anniversary of their niur-
riugo ot Hingham , Mass. , last Tuesday.
Cupid can spell the most difficult name
that over crossed the sea. A pweut Phila
delphia girl has become Mrs. Siczcpunkle-
wicz.
The Kentucky legislature will prohibit
marriage where persons have "a violent tem
per. " It can't bo dono. Violent tempers are
discovered only after marriage.
Two men of Lead City. D. T. , played
soven-up , best six games in cloven , for n
young lady's hand. It was a foregone con
clusion that the young lady and ono of the
men would lose.
A Proposal of Marriage. "Just think ,
Laui io 1 what happiness I Hero is a proposal
from the wealthy owner of an immense me
nagerie , and ho assures mo that now ho is in
, vunt of nothing more but mo.
The cross-eyed man has found his prov
ince at last. It is love malting on the sly.
An Indiana farmer , whoso daughter ran
away with a cross-eyed farm hand , declared
that ho never could toll when his hired man
was looking nt his daughter , and therefore
he didn't suspect him ,
"My dear Agatha , will you bo my wifol"
'Only If papa is agrceablo , " replied the duti
ful girl , "I never do anything without papa's
consent. " "But do you think it likely that
your father will give his consent ? " "I
should think so , indeed ! 1'apa does ovcry-
think I waut to. "
Mrs. John Grueber , who was burled nt
Heading , Pa. , Thursday , had outlived seven
husbands , though but fortv-ono years old.
She was not qulto sixteen when first married.
The clergyman who conducted the funeral BQ-
lectcd as his text the passage in Luke con
cerning the sovcn brothers who married the
same woman.
Sceptical people have their doubts about
Lllll Lchuinmi's foitheoining marriage , for
the lady had been officially engaged once
before. Now it is rumored , however , that
Herr Kalisch , who has won the affections of
the great artiste. Is on his way to America ,
nnd it is as likely as not that the marriage
will take place hero.
A young lady whoso engagement had been
reported last summer was met recently by
nn old time acquaintance at a Boston recep
tion , whereupon the latter seized this first
opportunity to congratulate her. "Hut , my
dear , I'm not engaged at all , " answered the
cheery damsel. "Hut I saw It announced , "
persisted the other. " "Ah , I know ; but you
see my dear , it was only a Bar Harbor en
gagement , " was the complacent explanation. ,
The mnrriapo of Maurlco Bcrnlmrdt and
Princess Terka Jablonovska was brought
about by a pocket handkerchief , Sarah was
playing "Frou Frou , " nnd Tcrka was so
agitated that she dropped her handkerchief
into the pit , whcro it alighted upon Maurice.
He sent U back to her next morning with a
portrait of Sarah and a dedication written by
the latter herself. That brought Terka to
Sarah's residence , where i > he mot Maurice
and loved him at nrst sight.
For some time two colored swains of Steu-
bcnvlllc , O. , courted thffBamo girl unknown
to each other. They were Intimate friends ,
and when ono had in ado arrangements to
marry the girl ho asked the other to act as
best man , and sent him for the marriage 11-
ccnsoonoday last week. The best man
played the John Aldcn game to perfection ,
and took out the license for himself anil mar
ried the girl while the other follow was wait
ing for his return with the license.
Thcro U a charitable institution in Boston
wo will say Boston and each day ono lady
has to take charge of a public department ol
it. Ono young lady bus selected Wednesday
as her day , and the first week she was to
commence her round of duties another lad.v
received from the president a little note :
"Dear Mrs , : Con you take charge on
Wednesday I It was arranged that Miss.
was to bo hero , but she forgot that it waa
the day'she waste bo married , and she caa'i
come. " '
SOME NUGGETS OF HUMOR ,
Sleepy Whore the Laugh Came In
A Now Version.
-UNCLE RASTUS ON POKER.
A Stormy-Night He Loved Her Bn-
tlUetl to Special Privileges He-
Jectcd Not Much Meat HI *
Strong Polnt Jokcleta.
. , Sleepy.
yjtfow wnko mo up nt six o'clock , "
S.ild ho on going to bed. ,
"To-morrow Is my busy day ,
' I'll got right up , " ho said.
1UA patient wife , who previously
t-t Experiments had tried.
' Said nothing only looked at him ,
And softly , sadly sighed ,
"
The night passed on ; the morning came ,
At six o'clock she said , "My own.
It's six o'clock. You know , you said "
Ho grunted , "Lemmo 'lone I"
At.seven she gently tried again ,
But once again without
The slightest semblance of success
He only snapped , "Got out I "
At eight her courage almost failed.
And turned to wholesome dread ,
For as she spoke , she had to dodge
A boot flung ut her head.
She thought ho swore nt nine o'clock
And guvo up trying then ,
And ho whoso bysy day it waa
Got up at half-past ten.
Then came the tldo of bitterness
That overflowed her cup ;
For ho remarked , "What ! half-past tcnl
Why dld'nt you wake mo up ! "
"Whcro the Laugh Comes In.
Detroit Free Press : Ho stood strok
ing his smoothly snaven chin in front
of a barber shop on Michigan avenue ,
and when asked if anything was wrong ,
ho chuckled heartily and replied :
"Ftinniest thing I every know ? "
"What was it ? "
"Why , I came ago hero a while ngo
and went in there. Feller told mo to
sit right down und bo shaved. "
"Well ? "
"I did. Had no soon or got out of the
cliiiit- than ho held out his hand for ton
cents. I didn't have it. "
"And what did ho do ? "
"Led mo to the door nnd.gave mo a
kick ono kick hal ha ! .hal"
"Where does the laugh come in ? "
"Why , I've been in Detroit for the
lust thirty ycurs , and there's-hardly a
day I haven't been kicked. Have al
ways boon booted from four to six times
for ton cents , but this follo"r only got ono
hal ha ! Say , go in and tell him I'm '
at least eight cents ahead. First time
I've boat anybody in five years hal ha !
ha ! "
A New Version.
Mary had a little lamb ,
And it was black as soot ,
And into Mary's milking pall
It popped its little foot.
Now , Mary , a straightforward gir\
. Who hated every sham ,
Rapped out a naughty little word
Which rhymned with Mary's lamb
A Stormy Night.
Washington Critic : Ono stormy
night about four months ngo a little
girl came into a family up town where
thcro was already a- boy three or four
years old. Ono bud evening this week
the futhor and mother were going out
and the bov wanted to go along nnd
take the baby. To this the mother
objected strenuously , und for a final ar
gument she said :
' But , my son , don't you know we can't
take little sister out such a stormy night
us this ? "
- "Well , I don't euro , " ho.replied. , , "It
vras n'good deal Btbvmicr than this the
night she come hero. "
He Loved Her , Indeed.
From the QrapMc.ti
Were her eyes gray or bluoj
I dare not say.
How could I judge of their soft ; lucent ray !
I only know she looked at mo th way
That angels look
When mortals pray. ;
Was her voice prouder kindl
I do not know.
It whispered to mo ns I turnc4td go ,
And stele into my heart's recesses so
I thought it sweet ,
And soft , and low.
Was her hair gold or brown ?
I cannot tell.
Its clustered glory wrought on mo n spell ,
While dreamy eyes beneath hcnlashcs fell
I know full well.
Were her feet small or largol
Sh , whisper low ;
She owned u pair of number nines , you know ,
liroad at the heel nnd spreading at the too.
Don't mention it ,
I loved her so !
A Lesson in Poker.
Uncle Ilustus Yo see , Sammy , throe
ob a kind will beat any two pairs.
Sammy Yes , uncle , but what yo' do
when live ob a kind turn up ?
Uncle Rastus I think , chile , dat
would bo n good time fo' ye. to hab your
razor kinder handy.
Entitled to Special Privilege ! ) .
Puck : " .Wo shall need aboutthreo tons
more sulphur for pit 637"saia ono of the
subordinate devils , as ho put his head
Into Satan's private office , "and half a
load of brimstone , and a now poker.
There's a tough consignment just sent
down two murderers , nn anarchist , an
incendiary , and a conversational puns
ter. "
"Is he ono of the kind that makes
puns on people's names ? " asked the
head of the establishment , medi
tatively.
"Yes. "
"Well , " snid the chief : "I hate to
wubto sulphur , but I guess you om give
him a pit all by himself. "
RcJjcted. .
Jbiimul nKilueattnn. .
Wo rapt beneath a bower
Of overhanging trees ,
I yielded to her power
And fell upon my knees.
I took her hand und pressed it ,
She turned her face away ;
My coming fate I irucssed it-
She could not say mo nay.
I saw a tea'r-drop tremble ,
Caught on her downy check.
Said I : "You well dissemble.
The joy you will not speak. "
Alas I my fond delusion
Dispelled she with u glance ;
et I , in wild confusion , %
Clung to my only chance.
And pressed her for an answer ,
When low she hissed with .scorn ,
, Rcleaso , at once , my hand sir ;
? \You'ro kneeling on my corn 1"
| X6t 3Iucli Meat In that Joke.
bVshington Post : A Baltimore man
Marrow was in the "Row" yes-
with a friend meeting some of
the newspaper men. When Colonel
Massey cnm'o up the friend romnrked :
"Colonel Mussoy , lot mo present my
friend , Mr. Marrow , of Baltimore. ' '
"Ah , Mr. Marrow , " suid the colonel ,
"glad to meet you. Are you related to
the Bonupurtes ? " "Not that I know
of , ' " responded the gentleman , inno
cently , and the colonel took his little
joke out in the buck yard und broke it
with an ux.
It "Was a Continuation.
Chicago News : "Pupa , what is a con
flagration ? "
' 7It is a big fire , my son. "
"And whut do they cull a little fire ? "
"Thoro-is.no special name for n little
firo. Oh , they bomctlmos call it an in
cipient fire , and let's see well , it is
sometimes called an inconsiderable firo.
Why ? "
"Well , I BOO your coat-tail is on fire ,
and I was wondering whether it waa ft
conflagration or an incipient firo. "
In a few minutes the young mnn had
reason to think it was a conflagration ,
Grammar Ills Strong Point.
Cincinnati Enquirer : Justice ot the
'cnco llad you over snvr this man bo-
ere ?
Witness Yes.
"Had ho came before you had wont ? "
"No. " "
"Is them your eggs what you saw
stole ? "
"Yes. "
"Would ypu have recognized them if
? ou had 'seen them before they was
irung hero ? "
"Yes : I wouldhavo ( knowcd them. "
"Speak gnunmntlo , young maul It
ain't proper to say 'have knowcd,1 you
hould say thavo know. ' "
A Brave Maiden.
San Francisco Post : I have soon the
> ravest girl in San Francisco. She had
ho brightest of bright red haiu , and
ho deliberately walked up to a brewers'
wagon , to which wore hitched two big
white horses , and stood thcro till the
wagon moved away. She had a look on
icr face when the lumbering team
tailed which said plainly :
"Now , I hope every nincompoop who
las passed has scon the white horse. "
PEPPEIIMINT DUOP8.
At nil events the prominent citizen.
In wrestling with adversity ono gets some
crriblo throes.
A dog rarely points a moral , but ho fro-
ucntly adorns a tale.
To get a poor grip In society n mnn should
uwo a claw hammer coat.
Rumor is a stout-voiced old lady , and she
oes her talking through a sprinkler.
The poet who Is all aglow with his theme
s what wo mean in speaking of a verso-
allro.
Description is so continually beggared
hat It ought to bo arrested ns n profes-
lonal.
It would bo a good thing to reduce the duty
n the solder that fastens the top crust on
inlnco pics. .
Some ono says , "A dollar goes further now
ban it used to. " Yes , and considerably
uickcr.
There Is nothing that will warm up"a man's '
inguago so much as dropping a chunk of ice
down his back.
It is a little funny , isn't it , that n little
raught causes u cold , cures n cold and pays
ho doctor's bill ,
Bitter strife prevails between Milwaukee
> rcwers and their men. In other words ,
licy are at lagcrhcads.
Walt Whitman has written an ode "To the
Fellows Who Got Left. " This Is kicking a
man when ho is down.
(
The wise man docs not hesitate to spend in
advertising what a lawyer would charge for
upcrintenning his assignment.
"My joy beyond the power of numbers is
0 sing I" exclaims a poet. Somebody has
vidcntly invited the poor fellow out to din
ner.
ner.Thcro
Thcro is a man in Kansas City who , it Is
aid , can cat ninety eggs at a meal. This
must bo the fellow that the hens are "laying
or. "
What is the use of talking about removing
ho internal tax from whisky I Whisky will
always bo an infernal tax upon those who
use it.
The old-fashionpd coasting sleds nro still
lolding their own. It is also noticed that
ho young men who ride on these sleds arc
loiugtho same.
After all their exertions to carry their
> ont ! in the settlement of the tariff question
t ts more than 'possible that the wool men
may get worsted.
"Who is that extremely peculiar and inter
esting looking man with the long hairi" "Oh ,
hat is a previous poet. Ho has a great fu-
uro before him ] "
Many a man wliooremalds the office"
ill late at night to balauco his books iinds
considerable difficulty in balancing himself
on his way homo.
A dyspeptic traveler recently committed
suicide in a country hotel by hanging him
self to his bedpost with a rope mudo of
doughnuts.
A trotting horse fell down on the Ice in
1 race on a New Hampshire pond , and slid
n ahead and won the heat , a thing ho could
tot have done had ho kept his footing.
A forty-pound crocodile covered with
wooly hair has been discovered in Florida.
L'hu theory is advanced that it had inadvert
ently lunched on a firkin of steamboat but
ter.
ter.Wife
Wife ( looking tip from her book ) "You.
know u good many things , John. Now , what
do you think should bo done in a case of
drowning I , ' Husband "Have , a funeral , of
course. "
One of the most serious aspects of the
burning of that New York hospital by a little
jirl is the turning loose of the word "pyro-
naniac" on a country with no adequate coast
defense.
A man in Utica found a black snake four
reel long in his bed on the Ifith of January.
Ho thought the reptile got into the room
through a knot hole. More likely it came
through a bung hole. '
"How would you Jlko to have your hair
cut ) " inquired Sulnola , ono of the Morse
building barbers. "With the scissors , " re
plied the customer , and silence fell on the
place with a dull thud.
The museum at Niagara Falls is talked of
If the biggest fee paid a haekman in that
vicinity could bo passed it would bo a great
attraction , but it was swapped oft for a pala
tial livery stable years ago.
Misprints on occasions nro of a very pain
ful nature. The editorof n temperance paper
who wrote , "Getting drunk is folly , " was
liorrillcd to read in his sheet next day that
"Getting drunk is jolly. "
Franklin Mills ( ordering the cigars at a
popular cafe ) "What's your brand , Jack ) "
Jack Stcarcs , ( from Texas , between gulps )
"Cross an' arrer on diamond on right paunch ,
an' left horn-tip sawed off I"
"Ah , glad to see .vou back , old man I" ald a
local merchant to a returned citizen. "I'm
glad to bo back , " said the other. "Where
have you been ! " "Been over to Uoomtown. "
"In business thcroi" "Yes. " "Make any
thing ! " "Yes , made an assignment. "
A Boston boarding house woman caught a
Doardcr putting buttons and toothpicks Into
the hash. Well , if Buffalo men don't llnd
what they are accustomed to at homo , wo
don't see that they can bo blamed for trying
to fix uptheir faro so that it will bo palat
able.
Croupy suffocations , night coughs and
all the common affections of the throat
and lungs quickly relieved by Dr. J. II.
McLean's Tar Wine Lung Balm.
THE
i. c.
A La Persephone French Hand-made
CORSETS !
Highest standard of Corset ever intro
duced into this market. They impart that
grateful figure and fine form which any
well dressed lady would be justly proud ,
especially when obtainable without , injur
ious tight lacing , etc. Indorsed as'the
Peerless Corset
By leading dressmakers of Paris , London
and New York , and for sale in Omaha by
N. B. Falconer ,
Thompson , Beta & Go.
, And other merchants.
Who Is WEAK , NERVOCfl. DF.niMTA.
TE , wholnhliroi.tYTandI NOIIANCE
has TMirLKD away his VISOR of BODY.
IND and MANHOOD , enuring xhnnittnr
drains Upon the roVNTAIN * of.LirK.
HKADAVHK , BACKACHE , Dreadful
Drmms. WEAKNBtMor Memory IIANH.
TO ! . * EM In HOCIETT. riHIt.E upon
the FACE. Md all the ErrECn londlne to
EAmi/TDMCATind perhaps CONMVlfp.
TlOIf or IHNANITT , should consult at one *
the CELEBRATED fir. Clarke , Eatabllihod
Iffil. Dr. Clark * has mad * NERTOUH DE.
B1LITY. CHRONIC and all Diicasts of
the UENITO CRINART Organs Life
Htndjr. H makes No difference WHAT you
&ave taken or WHO has failed to cure you.
' JB-FEMALESiufrerlngfromdlieatespecu-
liar to their sex can consult with the assurance
of speedy relief and cure. Send 2 cents postage
tor works on your diseases.
_ * -Send 4 cents postage for C lbrt4
Works ) on Chronic , If vrroai and Dell.
ete Disease * . Consultation , personally or by
letter , fret. Coniult the old Doctor.
cored. ORtec * and parlor *
Rrlvate. 49-Those contemplating Marring *
nd for Dr. Clarke's ) celebrated guide
Blmlt ) and Female , each IBc. , both 2&c.
( stamps ) . Bsfote confiding your case , coniult
Dr. CLARKE. A friendly letter or call nay
MTO future luOerlngand shame , and add golden
years to life.Book f.lTt'm ( Secret ) Er.
ror , " EOc. ( stamps ) . 'Medicine and writings
sent everywhere , secure from xpoinre.
Hours , 8 to B ; Sundays , 9 to 12. Address ,
P. D. OLABKB , M. D.
188 Bo. Clark St. OHIOAOQ , ILL.
FOR SALE BY
N. B. FALCONER AND FISHER BROS.
' ' '
MEDICAL ISURGICAUNSTITUTEl'
W. Cor. 13th A Dodie !
BR.A.OH3S ,
APPLIANCES FOR BEFORMITIES AND TRUSSES.
nent facilities , apnarattii ami remedies fur nut
ccusful treatment ofeverv form of dlteaie rciiulf
ing Mctllctl or Surgical Treatment.
FIFTY ROOMS FOR PATIKNT * .
Hoard ami attendance ; best hospital accommo
dations In the west.
WKITK FOR CIRCULAR * on Deformitlrt , and
Braces , Trunses , Club Feet , Ciinratute orihe
Spine , riles , Tumors , Cancer , Catarrh , Ilror.cmtls ,
Inhalation , Klcctrlclty , raraly ls , Ki > llepy. Kid
ney , Hliuliler , Kye , fiar , SUu and lllood , nnd oil
Surgical Operations. '
Diseases of Women a Specialty ;
BOOK ON DISIAEI * or WOHKN FKII.
ONLY RELIABLE MEDICAL INSTITUTE
HIKING A H'ECIXLTT Of
PRIVATE DISEASES.
All nlood Diseases successfully treated. Svph-
llltlc Polion remored from the ftystemVUtioui
mercury. New restorative treatment for loss ol
Vital Tower. Persons unable to visit us may be
treated at home tiy correspondence. All commu
nications confidential. Medicines or Instrument * j
sent by malt or express , securely packra , no
marks to Indicate contents or render. One pcfr
sonal Interview preferred. Call nnd consult us or 4
send history of your case , and we will scud ia
plain wrapper , our
BOOK TO MEN , FREE *
Upon Private , Special or Nervous Diseases , Impotency -
potency , Syphilis. Gleet anil Varlcocele , with
question list. Address
f
Omaha Mtdleal and Surgical Initllttttoi
DR. McMENAMY ,
Cor. 13th and Dado * Sti. , OMAHA , NEB.
for the VAN ORDEN * ' C
CORSETS. ErcrvladywlshlnK T
health and a. Hililtilfia- , '
tmrsthcm. OulcTe I
. Ooodpay. Bend > )
for termii and circular.
0. PSIHOLE Jl CO. , 18 Wilt 12th Ct. , liiltl Cltj , Mo. j ,
HILL & YOUNG '
,
2 < ! and 1213 Farnam Street
Carpets , Stoves ,
WEEKLY AND MONTHLY PAY
MENTS ,
DEWEY & STONE
,
FURNITURE.
. . ttn t
> ' r 1
A magnificent display af everything useful and
ornamental in the furniture maker's art ,
at reasonable prices.
CHICHESTER'S ENGLISH DIAMOND BRAND
JHC ORIGIN AL.THE ONLY GENUINC ,
ENNYROYAL .BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS
> ASK DRUGGIST FOR QlCHESTER'S ENGLISH
, SAFE.AIWAYS RELIABLE. TO LADIES - DIAMOND BRAND.TAKENOOTHK
INDISPENSABLE.SOLD BY AIL DRUSSISTS : OR INCLOSE 49 ( STAMPS ) B IK. ' * .
AJKFOR DIAMOND BRAND/HICHESTIirSENSllSH FOR PARTICULARS
ANDTAKCNO OTHER SEE SISNATURE ON EVERY BOX. VlN LCTTIH BY RETURN MAIL.
CHlCHESIEHCH kncALCO.soi PROPktADiscNsgjw.pATstE sisNATURtoN tuny BOX PILLS
L r nnnuNssuciTEO WRITTEN TESTIMONIALS AND OVER FROM IADI IS WHO HAVE USED
QtUUUtHimiSTUOEMiLltll.DlAMOMOiaAMaPCNHYROYALPILLSWnHSUCCI .
O. H. CURTIS , PflU. J.JURD ) THOMPSON , 8tC. T A ,
' -kb
MANUFACTURERS AND DtALERS IN
COTTON LINEN & RUBBER HOSE
COTTON. LEATHER 4 RUBBER
BELTING , OIL , RUBBER A QOS- .
DRUQ-
N 8AMER CLOTHINO
GISTS' RUBBER SUNDRIES .
HARDWARE * SPORTSMEN'S *
TOY AND STATIONER'S AND
EVERY KINO OF RUBBER GOODS.
REPAIRING. NEATLY DONE.
oo
EVERY YOUNG MAN
Who is WEAK. NXKVOVti or 11UULLHA1 *
in an HOUR OF FOOLISHNESS bns trifled away bU ST
VITALITY or VROQIIEAXIYE IfOWER ,
his Mind , Unstrung his Nerves or sapped his SEXUAL.
ftnl wlm now finds himself BulTerfiur from
s nAlNU and LOSSES SS.
*
IMPOTENT and UNSEXED 5yNo'"eJe8 Vice.
Every Middle-ased and Old Man a
who Hnds fOWKK nnd VITALITT , XKRVB and
BKXVJ.L STREtiOTH. CAl'AClTXaoA VJHILltX
Fenslbly weakened. WHETHER BY EXCESS OR NOT. or who
llnils himself abashed nnd nshnmed of his CIIILDJSII
, can have a hutlng and
PERFECT CURE
Ity a few week * or months me of the
PROF. JEIM Cmux ,
DlifOTcrer and Orltfnitor ot thli Method.
tllntj Surgrnil to I'BoM I > lea , Saljtf- CIVIALE TREATMENT
trfere.dti UitHand other otullalt of
fartti Utmbtr of tint ltAcaA.mil
WSSSbtiFftfiSSt ff OTiWifiiWS TOSoftJSg'fiSS
These QVICKFATNZ CSS and CEKTA TV remedies are now the standard adopted treatment la
Every physician and pMlont who has used them ipeaks-
tn the hUhest terms of ( hem and recommends them to MANLY VIGOR
others as the grtateit known Meliorative * af
3 r AHMED MElVnnd of 1
pHEH / > 9VT TO MARRY
Twentf Yairi Exlenilve Trll hat only erwd to FU tnd Widen Iht O' t i putallon ol Prof. Cl l l ' Method
cine , as orlrtiutea by 1'rof CIVUIJE
ua inn mmij B ncrrelejroutb nJ Impotent nun
ticaLinff ) of 1'rof. Jean Clvlale we note ai t
Hotel Dleu in Parla. his attention U ta'd to hire bee
vcianca ho f accttded In Mrfcctlnir and Introducing It to the mrdlral proffoloii , c. - _ , : _ ; , i officer I
traclur ot cereral generatlotu of lllWrtptliM. Uo tue a member of lh 11L1IIOAL. AOADEUV awl on
UuUglon of Uahpr.-At1 > letm't JSicydi/pedio. IW. < v , paw < " ' ' „ , . . , . . , . „ _ . that tM nifetil of inn
W can on/Tar tbit we ewneftl/ hop for the ake ut tn-iwh MedicalIBclynee. .
renudleiwlll b aaunat In Amerieaailthii bwn In France It O'tutti tin Hat' tavr , Jiait\m. . . . _
We rtrtfid Kew YeS In'pcnon and found tbAt the Clilale HfBHKIII ! Agency a romrp'fd o
Clan * and inrrvoni , wbiw equal ( or tkUl It would tx ( UOlcult to ttml | &c. , &C.-IT. W. .
h p Utalth and uomt
Complete Meii : * tl Work PKEK. Upon receipt of 4 cti. In .Utnru w will lend to ny adreii.
ecuc . . .l..i copy of our . .plendl 40 88Jrcitl..BlTlnlttl1oW . , . .
UitlmouUU 4o. AU
Kcitment of BperraMorrua * . Impoteucy and Urinary Diuaiei. with endoneintuU. ,
* 1 at " UttoS taJU&X""nTr."with ? full Bulling Board of negBUr rby.lcUu * .
Awnpent fortbo now celebrated ftaitie Self.Ad. VARICOCELE
udlnaantl ( llove-t'ltHnu Cradle Coinpreiuor
( . ' . . . . , . ftllK Of
lor tba lta ia , I'AINLEkti and 1'KUfKCT vuur. w i
172 Fulton Bt. K w Y0d
Addrus , OIYTALTB BElttEDIAL AGENCY , , |