10 THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY ; MAY 8. 1887.-TWELVE PAGER
JJTJACOBS OIL
INFLAMMATORY RHEUMATISM'
i _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
93-After alarmtofV r itatemmU ennfrntrg
the rjfenriof hi , Jiicuta OU anit Ui jarmiatnl
curt I , are given Mow.
From n Rheumatic Stiflercr-18RO-Cuicd >
ItnmlnitVt Hcrks Co , fcnim.
I Buffered from auvcru Inflammatory
rliciimltlsm fur about Inccki ; plijrMcMiu
eave DIII ' ) relief. I was confined to tliu
IIOIHO , llmlji very mucli swollen , nnd liml
to crnwl up nnil ilow 11 ttnlM. AfUr a few
npiillcntlointlioiuilii w/w / nolio , olid a few
inure entirely curci ! inn.
'
v. OLAJ 'DT.IEONAni ) .
From Same 0 Years Later Permanently Cured.
Hnmburj ? , Ilorka Co. , I'n. . Oct. 19 , 1 < %
Ati'inUlx ji'iin ago I took rick with In-
finmmntory tlicunmtlun nnd lijr mint ; n
few liottli'i of M. Jacolw Oil I wn "iitlrcly
cnicil. I ihccrmlly dnpllcAtu my IciUmo.
liy to the gmml , Kn'nt nnd KI K | n < u of
the Oil. IIOIA.NL > T. 1.KONAUO.
From Deputy Sheriff June , 1081 Cured.
, Attlclioroiigli , Mass ,
Liuit Mny I WM Inld up with acute tticu-
inatlpm nnd umllncd to boil. I ' .MU tulil
to try M. Jiicoln Oil. 1 aid so and uuxt day
wiu well ni ever.
KUJAII CAI'RON , Deputy Sheriff.
From Same 6 Years Later Permanently Cured.
Atllcboroujrli. MUM. , Nov. 19.ISM.
I had a nuvero attack of acute rliuumo-
tlsm so I could not Uka a Mep ; wn con
fined to bed. I trlud everything to no pur-
posu and ntliut tried Bl. JncolH Oil. It
cured 1.10 entirely aud I cheerfully recom
mend It ,
ELIJAH CAI'RO.V , Deputy Sheriff.
T1IE CIIAIILE3 A. VOQELEB CO. , lUHImjre. Md.
* Ml jifnont t-nsn IS. Jacobs Oil or Krd
Fbir Uiuijh Cure , v HI by fnitlw ( ) a tim-cciit ttitmp
and a hutory of their cine , tccciva Aimcs FIILC.
IIEK FROM OPIATES AND POISON.
SAFE.
SURE.
PROMPT.
AT WlUOaiSTfl AND UlUI.Ef.9.
CBS auaus A. VOUELKB tonmmoiiE. . BB.
Wholesale and Retail.
Snlo nu'oiits In Oinnha for the cclohriitt'd
SWKKT'S NOVEI/t'Y CAKUIAOK I'rlcfd frnin
f 1.U8 to $11" ) . Uuimm coil ono tlili il lom thnn oth
era nk. foml lor cntuloiruo iiiut price ll.-t to
H. HARDY & CO ,
The 99c Store and B axaar ,
FaituuH'Stt , - Omnlia , Feb.
MEDICAL&SURGICAL INSTITUTE
Cor. 13th ST. and CAPITOL AVE. . OMAHA , NEB.
Best facilities , apparatus and remedies for success ,
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PRIVATE CIRCULAR TO MEN
On Private , Special and Nervous Diseases , Sum
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Darned disease ! .
New ItcstoratlveTreatmcnt fet LOSS otTital Power.
All CoNTAoiotn and HLOOD DISEASBS from whatever -
ever canao iiroduced , euccrifully treated without
mcrcary. Medicines or Instrument * ent by malt
cr express , tecurcly packed from observation.
Call and consult .s , or tend biltorv of case , wlih
Ilr.mp. All commjnlratlons strictly confidential.
Ad PAAIIQ For Uje of patients. Hoard and attend ,
DO nUUBliJ ance reasonable. Address all letters
OMAHA MEDICAL & SURSIGAL INSTITUTE ,
Cor.lSthSt. & Oani tel Av . . Omah.Neb.
HEALTH. WEALTH.
rrftniiixnratK nmtr | * rl nmih ] > * triait , mitt in all
iX * roiiimunltiti , I hey lime itulr | ilHlle ! Itittrtlin
hich , tluyUiMTt link Miulu * u < l | > i < iuDK. . ( > rru. <
IKM/K.I It tummta ! , Itu lrmllAii ol Ilio ino-lcm mhuotpf
fcwrUlir , itn. | liUtuiprrcrileiitnl iiittrM in I tit tiralinrtitof
Chronic , Nir > uu * niM t xti | lMii4 < * ( U > lli iti' ) Ui wend -
d < > i1\il Ml itl * lirtttulnj. Tluxm ( rtT-nii Vthn liiitl turJirtil
iwlbf An | li tiKMt Ik'IIrHl ti > riXMiiMwlllflnUii ormiii.
ful | il > KltUll If ! Itlfl | MTMiilOf lJK.OrTN *
, UHimimemlwJ ly tlto medic * ) ) > rvi.r (
tan at homo uttl nl'iomt
TO T1IUSK IN QITST DK UfAI-TIll
Bctxl fttiinpr.Hr lU tv pit Mnaii Imimiltut Qui * llmi juid
Auiijtlotu 141 on vthli li to ifi u full lilMorjr iif tin ir iliM. < .
IfaliriiM fctit ( rnnuhcrtt ) l y iM ni . * | tulvlri ) lij Id dr.
lu ulUtb > ti fteo on 1 cut tfiJuii tUt , inrioitsill/ l > j nitl
ff ou Hjtrm , ( lonl tn , Uiln
tlr OitMii , HI ttHl M4 ! l oilier klit > lr l C r or oitlur KI.
UiUpiior dJ.xMl Dr > OTTERBOURC ,
OrriCR HOIKS ! Cor. 13lltanaiMlr Hlc.t
iol'J , w.taioS.B.l 7 Io8w | . OMAIII , Nut
WATGHSPRING
VHtti sliding : Detachable
SprliiGp * EST" Better Uxau
Whalebone or Horut.9
and guaranteed never to
break. Price , $ x.as *
For tale by Icadbg wholesale aoj retail eitab-
'
MAYER , STROU6E& CO.
419 Broadway , N. Y. , Manufacturers.
TAROID
PILESVWT ftHEUM
nd all akin dl f A new method of eoin-
pounding Tir. A Cur * guaranteed , or money
{ funded. Hold urdruEKtus , and tu > omceof
TAR-OID CO. , 71 UMftnut. CMKIM. srl ! .
Huuiluu Uui Ua lUix.
tab ,
THE TIE WHICH CUPID BINDS ,
The Honored Place the Gentle Wife is
Ordained to Fill ,
MONEY MAKING MATRIMONY.
Tlio Maid tlio Chooser Ho Found
Ills Matc-Xcitiptod With n ItliiR
A Snlvntloii Army Wcddlnc
Clover Courting Hellenics.
Vice Versa.
lI'dKuMi MJu'sel / .
As far Into the past , I ween ,
As ancient lilstory can carrv ,
Th' unwritten law lias always haon ,
The man should ask the maid to untryl
Bui tho' the Innovation's gicat
'I hat daics dlstuib so old a plan
1 would sUgtiest that , from this date ,
The maid should supplicate the man 1
Then , oh 1 what tun our loves would be ,
\Vliuu girls uoultl ll-n ; us. clasp our waist ;
Or madly crave , ou bended knee ,
The happy wnddlng day to haste 1
I'd like to lean on , leslu's arm ,
While she would press me to her bosom ;
Oli I love , I'm sure would lo o no charm
If uieu weiecoy and maids would cheese
'em !
Two Hindu of Wives.
Kansas ( Jitv Times : When a man loves
a woman well enough to marry her , and
he ought to have a love that will last
after death to do thatwhy iloes ho marry
her ? Tor peace , a home , a shelter , a
refuge , a plaee where ho can get away
from the world , a place where he can
keep Ins idols nnd household gods. On
the outside life's battle may be stern and
cruel. Uo can light that bravely if ,
through its greatest stress and torment ,
he can still .see a light shining in the windows
dews of his home , Blows may bo heavy
ami wounds deep and painfttli but after
the struggle the rest , and after the scor
ing of the llesli the balm in liilead.
( llovcr.se the picture and marry a vvo-
inan who will not make a home. She
must be eternally on the wing. At times
about the premises there may be seen u
form somewhat familiar , yet all but in
tangible , and there may bo heard the
noise of familiar pinions wiiiali arc yet
all but invisible , and the humming-bird
is oil'and avay again , no llowcrs in its
homo rare enough or fragrant enough to
tempt it to linger.to alight , to build its
nest.
Suppose , again , a man has married a
woman who has lured him to his destiny
because she was puremodest ; , cultivated ,
ri'lined , in his eyes a perfect female. She
is liis against tlio universe , lie wants
her. Tlie possession must bo absolute
and unquestioned. None of the graces ,
the pleasures , or the obligations of what
is known as society need to be put away
or abandoned for a single moment. The
only stipulation that the man makes is
for a home , for his wife to be mistress of
that homo , and for his own inexorable
possession of that mistress and that
household.
How then , must ho feel when ono day
ho awakens to the realization of the fact
that the woman of his idolatry is about
to become an actress. That the modesty
which once shrunk timidly from the bash
ful ardor of his own wooing is about to
face with a brazen stare the hateful
shimmer of tlio footlights. That tint
cheek which once burnt red under a single
caress is about to bo slobbered over by
professional lechers. That the lips that
had told him of her love in the spit hush
of the twilight were to have lips laid
upon them that never made a vow of
passion that was not broken , nor plighted
faith to a confiding woman that did not
wreck her lifo bv wrecking her chastity.
That the form which once to him was all
that he hud imagined of the grace and
poetry ot motion was to be girt about by
other arms and find rest and content
ment upon other bosoms.
What if it is all acting , and slmultation
and make-bcliovu. did the man marry
the woman to get only acting , and situ-
ultatlou nnd make-believe ? It is the
contamination which kills him to the
soul. It is tlio fondling , the kissing , tliu
caressing , the slobbering whicli
makes the farce so horrible to
him. It Is the bosom barn to the breasts
which makes him shudder as one is sup
posed to shudder when somebody treads
upon the spot where ho is to bo buried.
It is the exposure of person whicli puts
the indescribable charm of modesty to
death , and puts in the place of the ono
holy and idolatrous love of his lifetime , a
painted , rouged , furbelowcd , and bed
izened thing , running hither and thither
at tliu cull of this or that manager , sot
upon bv libertines , conned over
by insufferable puppies , perse
cuted with indccp.nt proposals ,
besought for interviews and
assignations in the name of everything
which goes to niako up. the humanizing
inllucnccs of homo and the tranquil and
sustaining pleasures of married life , what
is a man to do under sued circumstances
except to subjugate his wife or quit Her.
In the old days in Rome if she had not
listened to and oboved her husband she
would have been killed. A little touch
of the steel oven now might not bo a bad
transaction. If the family is to continue
in the future as it has been in the past-
tin ) bulwark of liberty and the adamantine
foundation of the State more power
ought to be given to the head of it. In
the days when giants were , the wives
were homo women and perfectly obedi
ent. One wouid no morovhavo thought
of aspiring to any public position with
out her husband's consent , much less of
becoming an actress , than she would
have thought of strangling her sleeping
first born in its cradle. It is now time
for old things to become new again.
How Koino Wives are Wood nnct Won.
Marriages arc often the result of acci
dent. It seems strange , but the most
prudent persons will sometimes conceive
an irrcslstablo attachment at the sugges
tion of a word or a loots' . When once
under the spell of the verb "To love , "
they go through all the forms and linisli
the declension of the verb before the
altar. The few may give the subject the
consideration it deserves , but the many ,
there is. reason to fear , are guided by
impulse.
A skipper of a coasting vessel called
at the village inn and asked the landlady ,
a young widow : "Do you know where
I can got a mate ? 1 have lost my raato. '
" 1m for Mr. " she said
sorry you , . , ,
smiling. " 1 want a mate too , and can
not get one. As wo arc in the same posi
tion , I'll toll you what I'll do ; If you'll
bo mine I'll bo yours. " Ho closed with
the bargain , ana the widow keeping to
her word , ho is now supplied with two
mates.
A young man at a church bazaar was
button-holed bv a lady , she would not
let him go until ho had bought something ,
lie looked at her stall , which contained
fancy work of various kinds. "Why. "
ho said , "I see nothing hero that would
be of the least use to mo , a bachelor , ex
cept yourself. "Tho rest would bo dear
to niu at any price. "
"I will bo cheap enough , " she said
coaxingly.
"If you could bo dear enough , per
haps "
"O , como ! you are just the person I
want , " taking him by the arm.
She sold him one article after another ,
keeping up an agreeable .conversation ,
the while , and before all was done ho
had purchased everything on the stall.
Then , at settling up , there was some-
tiling said about discount. "I cannot re
turn any money , " she said blushing , "but
if you think mo dear enough , there's
minima ; she may give you my band. "
Tht ) bargain was accordingly concluded ,
An eminent doctor , who had saved the
k lifo of a lady , 'A personal frieud , was
asked his charge , Ho said ho generally
allowed his patient friends to remunerate
him us they thought befitting.
"Hut don't you often get disappointed
on these terms ) " she inquired.
" 1 may say , never. "
"A3 you are so easily pleased , here , "
and she playfully gave hint her empty
hand , while In the other was concealed a
check for a handsome sum. "How easily
I could have taken you iu , " she addeu ,
producing the check.
"Hut you have only succeeded in draw
ing me out , " ho said , declining to relin
quish her hand. "Don't insult mo with a
cheek ; 1 am most generously rewarded. "
Perhaps she understood the doctor's
dlllicitlt.v and wished to help him out of
it ; at any rate the giving of her hand led
him to oiler his heart.
*
* *
A lady in a railway train kept looking
out of the window , with her head for
ward , until she remembered that the
gentleman opposite might possibly ob
ject."Do
"Do IctttofFthe view ? " she asked.
"Merely ot all I do not wish to scol"
ho replied , gallantly.
The ice having been broken , they en
tered into conversation , found they wcro
to not out at thn same station , and knew
each others friends. The rest was plain
sailing into what somebody calls "tho
matrimonial haven. "
* '
A lady with a line liguro having taken
a fancy to a valuable ring which slip saw
ticketed in a shop window wont inside to
examine it. It is exceedingly lovely ; I
wish it were mine , " she said , on satisfy
ing herself. "What smaller liguro could
tempt you ? "
"Mo other liguro than the figure before
me , " lie said giving her an admiring
Jook at the same time. "It is exceed
ingly lovely I wisli 1 could tempt you
with the ring. "
"I think 1M1 take it , " she said , laying
down tlio money amidst blushes. Ot
course he accepted the money ; but , get
ting her address he made sucli good tiso
of the hint that the next ring which she
got was given by him in church.
*
"Aro you married yet , Kitty ? " said a
sailor on meeting an old acquaintance
after returning trom a long voyage.
"No ; that somebody has never come. "
"Ah , then , I have brought him after a
deal of bother , " ho said , throwing his
arms around her ; and the matter was
there and then settled.
*
This was ingenious enough , like the
case of the theatrical manager who was
brought to tiio point when ho called to
inform his leading actress tlr.it he had
secured a play at last which was sure to
have a long run.
"What part have you reserved for
me ? " she asked.
"You are to be a charming sweetheart ,
as you are. "
' : Is there u wife in the piece ? "
"There is. "
"Then I have done charming sweet
hearts till T am tired. I must bo a wife
in the long run. " And she was.
Early Bliss of a Hnlvatlon Marriage.
London Observer : At the marriage of
the Marcchalo Catherine. General Uooth's
daughter , to Colonel Clibborn at the Sal
vation army barracks in London there
was u curious scone. The young" woman ,
tall and excitable , as well as a comely
creature , as soon as the marriage was
over , sung a song , of which one line was
not very encouraging to the newly-mar
ried husband , Tlio line was : ' 'We'll
light and never tire , " and to illustrate
her meaning in worldly fashion she
squared oil'at her husband in true pugi
listic shape , dodging her bead and shift
ing her ground , and with much spirit she
battered him about considerably. The
immense crowd screamed.and shouted.
It was too much for the excitable nature
of General Booth. Ho dragged out his
vonornblo spouse , and they sparred right
merrily at each other. When that tired
them both couples began a frenzied
breakdown , hanging on each other's
waists.
What a Thrifty Wife Can Do.
A young married man sends his finan
cial experience to the boston Record.
He says : "When i was married it was
several years ago I was in receipt of a
comfortable income , for a young man.
and wo went to housekeeping in very
good stylo. I had saved up about $1,200
and furnished my house with it hand
somely. I Paul $30 a month ront. Wo
lived in a fashionable quarter of the
city and traded at a market aud grocery
near by. Paid cash for all purchases. I
kept a little cash-book for the first year.
Wo had a great deal of company at first.
The beefsteaks , chops , roast boot , and
fowl wore frequent visitors. 1 bought
closely and wo were careful and prud
ent. Never an ounce of food was wasted.
At the close of the lirst year'I reck
oned UD my expenditures for the table
and struck an average. I won't say I
was not astonished at the result , for I
was somewhat amazed to find that I had
spout an average ol only seventy-eight
cents a day throujjhought the year.
That is $5.40 per wcok. Rents and pro
visions are much cheaper now. 1 will
admit I cannot sco why. with a thrifty
wife , a mau cannot got along with $15 a
wccK. " _
CONNUBIAL. . IT1ES.
As a model husband ho takes hifrli rank
At least In his wife's eyes
Who never says that lie would like to
spank
The baby when he crys.
Among the Xulus young people fight and
cot married. Hero they get married and
light.
Tid-Bits says "n coed wlfo Is the culde
post of life. " That's so : and the cutdo post
Him uses on a refractory husband is the roll
ing pin.
A "tongue-support" lias been paten tea by
a Kansas man. Married men need not
worry about It , though , for it Is not Intended
as a support for a woman's tongue , but a
wagon's.
It was a young Uoston bride who called
her husband to account for speak I UK of her
as his "ducky darllnc ; . " Klio said the com
parison was perfectly odious , as there was
so much quackery about a duck , and , more
over , It always waddled.
A dispatch from Morlny , Midi. , announces
the elopement of Hiram liryant and liertlia
Knupp , a domestic who has been employed
lu numerous families In Morley , a very Hire
looking girl who has heri'toforn borne a eood
character. Mr. liryunt has a wife and a Inrgo
family ot grown-up culldron and Is about
sixty years of agcv Ho U a very lart'o man ,
weighing pounds.
A foreign correspondent tells the follow
ing story : "There was an Englishman on
board , tlio younger son of a lord , who may bo
said to represent a type ot husband much
sought after In certain limited circles In the
United States. This Englishman married ,
several months ao , the daushtor of a
wealthy lioston gentleman. Ho spundi
three months every year in Boston with his
wife and the other nlno months In England
alone. Ho has never taken his wife over
with him to his own homo. Ho was asked
by a friend on this trip why ho did not bring
his home wlfo. 'Oh , ' said he , 'she is kept at
home by a baby , 1 believe , or something like
that. ' "
Uonorally speaking , the Japanese men
make kind and. affectionate husbands , and
the women make virtuous ana exemplary
wives and mothers ; and tlio children nro
certainly the hnpplest little Imus In tliu
world ; their parents fondle and stwll them
most effectually , and at the same time never
lose their control over ttiem. says a writer In
the Itrooklvn Magazine. The husband has
absolute control over the person of his wlfo ;
at the same time , oae never sees a man
strike a woman In Japan ; yet them is con
siderable pinching and slapping done on oc
casions when those strange and ungovern
able spoils of exasperating ugllntss known
as tantrums settle down upon their matrimonial
menial horizon. On these occasions there Is
considerable free hitting , bltloe and scratch
ing indulged In on both sides of the house ,
but the greater strength of the husband In
variably leaves him master of the situation ,
and the belligerent household speedily re
sumes its seroae and happy course.
SPARKLING EHS OF JEST ,
The Payine Out of Cold Oash a Grave and
Scripus [ Task ,
BILL NYE'S ' SIAMESE TWINS.
The Itoynl Infant Spring's Features
Knotty I'rolrtJMiii A. Genuine
Curiosity Decidedly Nn-
Tlio Iloynl nnbr'a Oot a Cold ,
lIXHcii for the Sunday ltdtti ] II , Amttlc.
Soawise the cablegram bo rolled ,
The royal baby's got a cold I
Where were the mighty men of state' . '
Tlio tocsin coardots at the Bate' '
The brawny clansman tarters dressed' . '
Why lot they thro' so dlro a guest'.1
A ccld 1 a wretched , sneezing cold 1
The fee of babehood , dim and bold ,
Where was the draw-bridge , where , oh
where ,
The Cliatnbcrlln ami 1'rPinlcr' . '
The woolsack , I'rlvy Seal and Crown' . '
The judge with wig and ermlned gown ?
What treason dlro must there have been ,
To let a common cold come in ?
For plobian babes , wo've no regret ,
To sen thorn sneeze , and whlno , and fret ;
And noses luminous as the sun ,
With gooue crease largely piled thureon ;
Hut for a royal baby lad ,
To have a cold , Is just too bad 1
Hut colds were over saucy things ;
What care they for the rlzht ot kings' . '
They ask no favors of a prince ;
The royalist noses yield , and wince ; .
And so this princely little kid
Must meekly hou .o this puest unbld ;
Just like the plainest babe of men's
For all the dlmjieuco nature kens.
The royal baby's got a cold !
Now wasn't the Intruder bold ,
To po.ss the warders of the gate ,
The chamberlain , the men of state.
And come \vltli no ono to announce ,
And on this princely scion pounce ,
Without a ' by your leave , ' or care ,
If evnu the queen herself wore there ?
The Ijate Siamese Twins.
Chang and Hug were raised up to meet
a certain demand. The crisis came , and
they were there to meet it. They came
at a time when the world was clamoring
for a pair of bull' twins united at tlio
sternum by moans of a light yellow first
mortgasre bond.
Hut Chang and Eng were not happy ,
oven with their great wealth and the
fame they had acquired working an en
tirely new vein.
Nature , whicli united them so closely ,
had not given them the same ideas ami
thoughts. They agreed on nothing , it is
said.
said.Ono
Ono was a Knight of Pythias , while
tlio other was a Koyal Arch Mason , and
the meetings woro.tm . the sumo evenings.
People who kjiow them said it was
painful to see the .stronger of the two
pull the other twin aw'ay ' to a Knight of
Pythias meeting in which ho felt no inter
est , or snake him to | 9 revival when ho
wanted to go to a colored ball.
A neighbor tcllH.jno , that while Chang
was a baptist , aitdbelicved in immersion ,
En" was a doubter , but had to go in with
Ins brother and be' immersed through a
hole in the ico.
Quo wanted to secndo at the breaking
out of the war , while the other wanted to
save ttio country intact and light under
the starry banner frco ,
These who will ) read the history of
this brace of icoll'ce-colorcd
strange - gen
tlemen will agree witu , mo that even
though you strike the popular feeling
iiil secure the public approval as a
freak of nature , it-is not all sunshine and
gladness.
Chang and Eng , though bound to
gether through hie , could not make
their wives live together in the same
house even , and so they wera compelled
to maintain separate establishments , and
go from one to the other trying to allay
discord.
Ono of the twins was a good man ,
while it is said that the other was a very
successful sinner. In case of resurrec
tion it is not yet fully settled how it will
be arranged , and tliu question has been
frequently raised since their death
whether they will or will not jointly
visit the rsalms ot the blessed and the
snorting , squealing precincts of the
d d. BILL NYK.
The Sprint ; .
KiluMril 11. Kidiler ,
In the spring the politician , tolling oarly.toll-
fng late ,
Worketh up Ills little boomlot with an eye to
' 88.
In thespi in ? the clrcusagent sounds his loud ,
dellant crow.
And with marrow-curdling whoppers nets his
work In for the show ;
While the trainer who engages to confront
the savage beast
And bo ieuiarly mangled has his salary In
creased.
In the spring the native opera playeth west
ward under Locke ,
While the saturnine musician turns from
Moyeibeer to Hock.
Now the worn and weary actor , shabby , dis
engaged , and blue.
Dally wonders how In hades ho will live the
summer through ;
Whllo the foreign prlma donna , as she sails
across the sea.
Loaded down with Vankco dollars , smiles
the smile of llendlsh glee.
lu the spring the canny farmer piles the
white-wash brush with zest
Uayly builds another pig-pen and awaits the
summer guest.
In the spring the watering-places are of
winter s garb bereft
( It they only de.Ut In water they'd bo very
badly left ) .
Now the trumpet of the leaguers loudly
through tlw country calls ,
And the very air about us blossoms out In bats
and balls.
Whllo the groves , the sands , the rivers , taste
fully by nature girt ,
Whisper of the torrid season when excursion
ists excurt I
Homo Knotty Problems.
A certain saloon soils $78 worth of
liquid refreshments per day , yet its re
ceipts are only $53. How is this ? ( This
problem is inserted by request of the pro
prietor of the establishment referred to ,
who only spends ono hour of the twenty-
four m the saloon , which , during the rest
of the day , U manned , by an urbane and
accomplished bartender. )
When the youth of the period is at his
desk in the store , fan hour seems about
ninety minutes injlength ; but when he is
at his girl's house in the evening , its du
ration does not seem more than fifteen
minutes. Explain this.
Ilenrv and William are playing mar
bles. Henry has three marbles and Will
iam has twentyfour.Henry is u mes-
sonjrcr-bov and has a letter in his pocket
marked "In great1 haste"but ho will not
quit until he has won ? William's twenty-
four marbles. It Is now 10 a. m. At
what time will the letter bo delivered If
Henry lias luck ?
A certain liorso car carries sixty-throo
passengers at 5 cents each on ono of its
trips. The conductor turns in $1.80 , and
It is not a good day for conductors either.
Query : If it were a good day.how much
would ho turn in , and if so why ?
A certain theatrical manager shows that
there wore $850 in the house at the per
formance of his company. Yet there
wore only 200 people present at fl.
Where did the other f05Q come from ?
D-HlneB * ia Business.
In a small town out west an ox-county
a In cashier of the bank ,
lie choc- all right , sir , " ho stld to
a stranger , "but the evidence you ofTor
In identifying yourself as llui person to
whoso order il Is drawn is scarcely BHfll-
cient. "
"I've known you to hang n man on less
evidence , jttdgo , " was the stranger's rc-
BJIOIISU ,
, "Quite likely , " replied the cx.judgo ,
"
"but when It conies to letting go of cohl
cash wo have to bo careful. "
Kldlot nnil Hamlet.
Sniil tlio Kldlot from his scattet
To tlui Hamlet on the singe :
"iiood , my Iliunk't. hero's an ceglct ,
Tlioinrli It doosn't suit your nt' !
ror , dear Hamlet , you'ro aware tlint
\ ou TO exceeding young and Ireili ,
While this egglet hot a kt-ir. that
It's mature in Its profesli. "
Then the Kldlet throws the czglot ,
lilts the Hamlet In the leirlut.
.Ami the dudelet In the trout row
Clio * to ritiir tins curtain down.
Then the Kldlet , all , 1 fear It ,
Makes a bldlet for a brurlct ,
While the Hamlet , like n clainlet
Wanders silent through tliu town.
Like a dreamlet or a uleamlet ,
On the surface of n streamlet ,
Searching for carbolic acid ,
does ho silent through the town.
Too National.
Wall Street News : "Tennessee is no
state foi H man to make money in , " ho
said on the train coming up from Nasli-
villn.
"Why ? "
"Well , I boitcht a saw-mill at shcrlfl'3
sale for $300 , and had to sell It back to
the former owner for $ 175. "
"How did you have to ? "
"Why , do you suppose I'm ' fool nun" to
stand out about SIM when n feller has
got u shotgun leveled on me. They are
national in their ways of doln' business ,
aud I'm going back to Wisconsin. "
From ftlc.
A dashln ; vomit ; damsel from Me. ,
\ \ Ith a lace most uncommonly 1'Ie. ,
I lad such cute little Ft. ,
That when seen on the St. ,
Young "Cholly" was driven Inse.
'Twas a few hours ago down In Me. ,
That I kissed a dear augel named Je.
If rho whimpered rclre. ,
'Twas too low to bo pie. ,
So I did so age , and aurc.
JloVnH n fioiiulnc Curiosity.
' 'What Inducements can you oiler for a
genuine curiosity ? " asked a man of a
dime museum proprietor.
"What has he done ? " asked the latter.
"Is ho a bridge jumper ? "
"No , indeed. "
"Has lie eaten eighty-two quails in
forty-one days ? "
"Nop. "
"Has ho fasted forty days ? "
"N'aw. "
/'IJeen in a trance , and been cured of a
disease of sixteen years' standing bv
faith ? "
"Nixcy. "
D"Is ho the youngest soldier of the late
war ? "
"No , sir. "
"Has he abnormally large feet ? "
"Nothing of the kind. "
"Has he an elastic skin ? "
"No. "
"Eats glass ? "
"No. "
"Then what Is ho ? Where docs the
curiosity uonvi in ? "
"Why , sir , the curiosity is that lie
never did any of those tilings. "
"Hring him along. I'll give him $1,000
a week. "
UliMGlOUS.
Pews both In Trinity and < 5raco church ,
New York , are to be tree when the present
rentals expire.
There is to bo a Scotch Presbyterian church
In Jiostou hi whicli the services will bo con
ducted in Gaelic.
The largest parishes In the Lutheran
church aie to bo found In central Kusslu.
One ot these manners 300 villages , and com
prises So.OOO souls.
The remarkable statement Is made that out
of 35,000 men between eighteen and torty
years of age In Milwaukee only 531 are in
English-speaking Protestant churches , and
SOU attend prayermcetlngs.
It Is proposed to erect a monument to Rob
ert Snow , the launder ot tlio lirst Sunday
school in Brooklyn. The estimated cost will
bo about ten thousand dollars , to be raised
by subscriptions from Sunday school schol
ars.
ars.The
The Union Theological school at Tokln ,
Japan , supported by all the evangelical
Protestant churches , has nine professors and
lecturers In as many dlllerent donaitiuonts ,
two of whom , Messrs. Ibuka aud Oglml , are
natives.
The Methodist church added to her mem
bers til p last year 100,000 , and the Methodist
church south records a gain of about seventy-
live thousand. This Is a gain to the former
of about ! > for cent of her membership , and
to the latter over 7 per cent.
The rumor that Dr. Parker , of London ,
will deliver a eulogy of Henry Ward
Bet-Cher at Plymouth church on Juno 21 ,
and preach several times there , was un
founded. L > r. P.irkcr will not bo hoard here
In public until he begins his regular couiseof
lectures.
llov. L. Lloyd , of tlio Church of England ,
who lias been laboring In Full Chow since
1870 , states that the 1,000 converts whom ho
tound on going to Full Chow have been In
creased to a grand total of 0,000. and of these
ho himself has been privileged to baptize one
thousand.
Children's day In the Presbyterian church
will bo observed this year on .1 unn 13. Last
year a thousand Presbyterian Sunday schools
kept this festival of the young. It is hoped
this year it will bo observed by toe entire
0,000 schools of tha church with their aggre
gate of 600,000 of teaciiers and scholars.
It is estimated that over live hundred thou
sand dollars will bo at the disposal ot the
Philadelphia Voarly Meeting of Friends , be
queathed by the late John M. ( ieorge for the
establishment of u boarding school , to be lo
cated In pastern Pennsylvania , and to re
ceive children of Friends and such others as
a committee of the Yearly meeting may de
cide proper.
During the reign of Qunen Victoria there
have been erected 0,500 buildings for worship
In the Chinch of Kngland , as against : i,000 by
all other religious communions put together.
Seven new dioceses have been tounded at
homo , and sixty-two In the colonies. Within
the last half of her rolsn. 31,000,000Mas been
voluntarily subscribed for church purposes ,
and . _ ii,000.000 in elementary education In
voluntary schools.
The yoiinc assistant minister of a Fifth-
avenue church In New York is reported to
have made his way Into great social favor by
making the Inlluontial women in his congre
gation believe they had suggested the best
points In his discourses. In nuking a pas
toral call he would declare ono ot his hostess'
romaiks admirable and bee leave to usa It
the next Sunday , Ho would then Introduce
an embellished term of the remark , Intro
ducing It with "QUO of the brightest minds I
know , " or "From a beautiful source comes
the Idea. "
IMI'IETIKS.
"Mamma , " said a small boy the other day ,
"do little boy angels wear shoes and stocking
In summer time ? " " .No , my son. " "L o
they go barefooted ? " "Yes. " "And do they
stay out alter sundown' . " ' "I presume .so,1
"well , don't the stars tickle their leet when
they twinkle ? " The tend mother was nou-
pulsed.
A teacher In a Sunday school , wishing to
Impress his class with the necessity of taltli
asked the class why did Mo es lift up the
serpent In the wilderness ? Xouo ot the class
knew except one. Ho said Moses lifted It up
because ho knew It wouldn't bite. Jt was
the same youth who said the Jews made a
golden calf because they didn't have gold
enough to make the whole cow.
A little Sixteenth street girl was Interviewing -
viewing the preacher. "Ain't dod good/
she asked , earnestly. "Ot course He is my
child , " said the pastor. "Anil It Isn't wionir
to say so. Is It ? " she continued. Cerfilnly
not. " "That's what I told mamma. " "Why ,
my child , " said the pastor In amazement ,
vour mamma did not say Ha was not good ,
did she ? " "No , sir , not exactly : but at break-
last thin morninn when pa took a mouthful
of colfee ho said 'good < Jed , ' and mamma
told him there was no use In awuarlusr. even
If thecollee wasn't th bcst In the world. "
Tha painful angularities of Ill-mated
marrlajes aru brought to a point when tuo
wife punctuate ! them with a tlat-Iroo.
Thomason Goos'
ADDITION ,
M , A , Upton & Co
Beautiful Residence Lots !
SoitfJt of Hanscom's Far7:9
The finest suburban lots around Omnlia , 250 feet above
the Missouri river , about as near as the "poor farm , " but
sell at
One Half the
HANDSOME SITES FOB
Modest , Medium or Elegant Homes
Iiivostigato this and sccuro some of this flue property before prices v
advance. a
That tlie property Is only two miles from Omaha's buslucss center.
That the altitude is high.
That the location is beautiful.
That there arc hourly Dummy Trains.
That street cars arc nearly there now.
That a Cable line will go through the addition this summer.
That the price is less than is askctl for property the same distance In
other directions.
That the railways all center there.
That the Bolt line runs alone the cutiro west side.
That the addition nearly , corners ou the line of the B < & M. and U. P ,
railways at the summit.
That there is a depot there just finished.
In fact it has everything1 to make the property the very best paying In ?
vestment in real estate today , hook into it. Examine It carefully. I
Don't buy a lot until yon arc convinced that there is uo possibility of
incurring a loss. These handsome residence lots are situated between
Omaha and South Omaha.
Two cities that are rapidly becoming1 one.
/Don't Wait
Until improvements are made that will make these lots very valuable.
Buy n6w and reap the benefit of tlio advance that is sure to come.
176 Beautiful Lots 176
Purchase while you can select choice ones at ground-floor prices. Plats
and information on application. Carriages in waiting at all times to
show property. Call on or correspond with
M. A. UPTON & CO
1509 FarnamSt.
IsTIEIB.
Warranty deed and guaranton of title from the Midland Guarantee 4
Trust Company , with each purchase.
!