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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (April 24, 1887)
THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY APRIL 24. 1887.-TWELVE PAGES. AUCTION ; las Addition on the 25 will be required each lot in the addi- tion can be seen at the County Clerk's office. 235 lots , appraised value $206,450 : average $878 per lot. BlIORIST'S ' HAPPY HITS. The Member From Hickory Fork and His Per Diem. PICTURES PAINTED FOR PHUN. Blow Time to the Golden Gate The Spring Pont In the Sanctum An Aatontslied Clilnoe All Hope Ilauislictl Funny Chat. \Vanta to bo a Bug. by the present craze In breast plus. ] Dora , you're a pretty miss , One that 1 would love to kiss , But 1 can't. For. If I were to essay , Vou would check me with a "nay , ' , Or "you shunt. " One would know you for a flirt , Seeing jou adjust your skirt Wtthatuic ; While upon your feiiaoely breast Crawls , in golden harness dre.st , A live bug. Though the "buglet's1' chain Is short , lie Is free too free-to court ; ( Lucky knave I ) For his stamping ground's your heart , Of all parts the very Dirt That 1 crave. Your sweet smiles am not for uie ; Ho I'm Jealous when 1 see ( Oh , dull pain I ) That obnoxious , captive bug , Hub his head against your jug U lar vein. If his "Bugness" knew my case lie might offer me his place , And his mask. Since you'll not front me your hand , I - < ' Let me , chained thus , ever stand Iv On your basque. flo Didn't Want a Itazor to.- Share With. "Have vou got a raiser in the house ? " asked un I minimi man who registered at Willard's Into lust night for ouo night " 1 don't know of any , sir , " replied the clerk , "and the barber shop has been closed for two hours. " "Barber shop , thundcrl" exclaimed . the impatient guest. , " 1 don't want no barber shop. I'm tired out. 1 want to go UP stairs to bed. " "All right , sir , and I'll send.tho razor to you in the morning , so you can shave before breakfast. " "Young nuin , " said the Indlanian , as a light dawned upon him , "you're off your base. I don't want no razor to shave with ; I want a raiser that'll git 'roe up stairs without haviu' to walk , " Then the olerk tumbled , and the bellboy - boy led the guest over and put him iu the elevator. . Mora | ; Slurry a Bachelor. Tict-nUn. UK : My first wife was Uijr pet. Much better she than you. MIE : Oh , I regret it , too. The Curloua Graft * Women Are. San Francisco \Vusn : "It's no use tryIng - Ing to bo , kind-hearted in this world , " signed old Captain Spnnker.whoso coast , wise schooner is laid up for repairs. ' This morning 1 saw a young gal on Kearney street whoso stern sheets wore skewed round over her left pistol pocket , so I § oz , sol I , 'Madam , your after bulge is fetched loose.1 . , i " You're a sassy , impcidcntthing , scz sho. sho."Well , this afternoon I seed another female whoso rudder was hard-a-port , and 1 sez , sez I , "Miss , you'd bettor luff into this 'ere nilllingoiy store and star board your holm. " " 'I'll cell the perlice , you old masherr sez she. andshe hit me with her parasol. "Artor that 1 net a frockmaker that i knowed and told her , and she scz , sez ibe , "That's the fashion now , Cupting. All the bustles is rigged on sideways low , ' scz she. Gurus crafts , these wim- min. How they manage to steer beats me. " Gentle Spring. A soft and stir Is In the air , Preluding , gentle spring , When base ball umpires nest again , And hens begin to sing. The Second Thought of an Indignant lieitialator. Arkansaw Traveler : "Mr. Speaker. " said the member from Hickory Fork , "I feel it my sworn duty , sail , to git up an * arise to a question of privilege. Yistidy when I was a matin' my speech on the repeal of the g mo law , some members of this body snickered at me un' hel' their noses tor keep from laugh- in' right out. I didn't pay no attention to 'em at the time , but now I want to say that I resent the insult , an1 kin whip any knock-kneed and kidney-footed repre sentative that snickers at me , or has ter hold his nose ter keep from snortin' like a skeerod ho s. I am hero , sun , ( looking defiantly about him ) , ter honor my con stituents by showin * them that as long us I am their representative no man can cavort an'snort around mo , an' airtcr- wards eat two sorts of pie with his for mer neatness and dispatch. Mr. Speaker , I reckon I kaln't tind ther man that snickered , an' of course kain't do nothin' personal , but to show that I resent the nsult , snh , I'll resign and go home. " Member from Blackberry Ridge "Don't do that , Bill. " "Yes , I will an' no power on eaith ken prevent mo. " "Bill , let me argy. Airter standin' roun' these here hotels ' at night an1 huvin' big railroad men callin' you major.you'll iind it mighty lonesome at the Flat , hearin' nothm' but the skrccch owl , tune up his fiddle that ho never plays on , an' listening to the low chomp of the hogs as they eat their corn. Better stay here. " "No , suh ; I've madb up my mind an' there ain't nothin' that Ken make mo change it. " "Think ot the president of the railroad callin' you major ! " "I have thought of that. " "An1 still you'regoin home ? " "Yes. " "Bill , have you thought about losin yourtlO adsiyf" "What's that ? " "I say , have you thought about losin your f 10 a day ? " "Mr. Speaker , " continued the member from Hickory Fork , "airtcr thinking of the good I mout do my constituents , have decided to stay with you. " Wanted. Oh ! for a can of dynamite. With a powder mill standing by , 'For ' the organ which plays "Sweet Violets" And "Walt Till the Clouds Koll By. " He Gave Up All Hope. Chicago Tribune : "Prisoner , " said a Nevada judge , "what have you to say to this indictment ; arc. you guilty or not guilty ? " "Before I answer the question , Judge , I'd like to ask your honor if this little spectacled dudu is all the lawyer I've got ? " "That is Mr. Ferguson , sir ! " rcspondcc the judge sternly ; ' "I have appointed him to defend you , as you scorn to have no counsel. " "Judge , " said the prisoner , sighing heavily , "I'm guilty. " A Timely bnt Cm el flnccestton. "Hello'Hichehou ! You don't cation Miss Dilby any morcf-somethlng up ? " "Yes , Arthur , I confess it there is Why. don't you know I stayed a little late the other night , and dash me if she djdn't get up and wind the clock 1" An Barljr Bank. Wall Street News : A party who was making arrangements to establish a bank iu a new town in Dakota WM asked wba irao in the morning the place would bo open for business. "Why , at nine o'clock , the usual bank- ng hour , " ho replied. ; 'Stranger , it won't do ! The passenger rain pulls out of here at eight o'clock , and none of our folks will give you or any other man an hour's start of 'em. If you can't open at 7:45 : it will bo no use o go into business. Von 8hprlng Tragedy. Dot lolly shring vas gomlng , Der robbins hat appear : Soon vill der bees be humming Der beets heart to sheer. Dot beet , ho vas wording All by der candle dim ; Dot editor for lighting Vas getting Into trim : Dot beet mlt his rhyming , Der editor to see , Come oop der shtalrs a-cllmblng ; His heart vas tilled mlt glee. Der bull doz , he vas taking A rest behind der shtoop ; You bet dot he vas aching To chew d r beet oop. Der shot-gun Id vas loaded , Der goat vas hungry , too ; It but der beet kuowed It , 1 vendor vet he do ? Alas he hat discover 1'eforo von vord vas said ; Ho quickly been knocked ofer Fefore his rhyme vas read. Der bull doc chew der beet , s Der boem chew der itoat ; Der editor say : "Go It ! " Vile taking off his coat. Und gwlck he shoot dot beet , ( So soon ho says his prayers , Und now , petore he know It , Ho climb der golden shtairs. Only Partly IteconclleU. Yonkers Gazette : "How long did you say you had been a widow , Mrs. Frank ? " "About two years , sir. " "And have you become reconciled to your loss yot'f "Well , partly , yes sir. " "Partly ? How am I to explain that ? " "Why , I mean that 1 am reconciled to the loss of my tirst husband , but not to the loss of Qtho companionship which I might have from a second. " False. 'Falso was the cold , hard heart which beat llur beauteous form beneath. False were her many vows , " ho moaned "And so were her hair and teeth. " A Short Speech. Washington Critic : "I'm going to speak my mind at that meeting to-night , and don't you forget it , " said an irate Metro politan clubster to his wife. "Going to speak it .plainly , are you , dear ? " she asked , quietly. "Yes , I'm going to speak my mmd.fray whole mind , and nothing but my mind. " "What a short speech it will be , " she said , half to herself , and went on sewing. What Astonlahett the Chinaman. Los Angelas , Cul. , Times : Ex-Sheriff George Gard tells a good story which has hitherto never seen the light of print. When he was in San Francisco last , ho happened to bo riding on trio front plat form of a cable car and a Chinaman , who had evidently been delivering laundried clothes got aboard. "You savvy Leavenworth stleot ? ' asked the Mongol of the gripman after he had ridden some distance. "Yes , I savvy Leavenworth street , ' answered the grip. 1 'Me likee catchee Leaven worth stleet. ' "All right , John ; you'll catch Leaven worth street , "was the assuring rejoinder , and turning to Gard , the gripman said in an undertone : "Hold on to the rail I'm going to dump him. " . Thp car was running at a rather high speed as it approached the point indi cated , and the gripman sang out , "Hero's Leaven worth street , John. " The Chinaman took his "basket and pre pared , to step off , when the gripman , letting fto the cable and putting his brake down hard , stopped the car so suddenly that it shot the washceman off as if from a catapult. John tumbled over and over with his basket , and then , pick ing himself up , an astonished look on his 'ace ' and brushing the dust from his pantalettes , exclaimed : "Hell ! dam ! Wachemalla ? Stling bloke ? " w Much Dephyr. A fanner once called his cow "Zephyr , " She seemed such an amiable hephyr , When the farmer drpw near , She kicked elf his ear , And now the old farmer's much dephyr. She Didn't Want a Family. He was in a maudlin sentimental mood and was talking between the hic cups , terrific hogwush to Miss Phoebe Orkintrooler , ana he- wanted to snare her mature affections by means of a not too obtrusive present. Unfortunately. Fhuubo is a little bit matter-of-fact , and doesn't quite see the beauty of tiucsse. "You will let me provide you with a pledge of affection ? " he pleaded. "Snakes alive , man ! I don't want a family. " Once more is the silver cord busted and the golden bowl smashed to bits. Forutold Her Own Death. * Hartford Times : One , of those mys- terioiis forewarnings of approaching death , which are as numerous as they are impressive , has just culminated in the passing away , in this city , on the day predictedof Mrs. Koxy Alvordwife of the late Truman Woodford , aged ninety-four. A few months ago Mrs. Alvord , while in good health , received a strong im pression that she would die on the 1st day of April , and so informed her daughter , with whom she lived. So strong was this impression that she wished to communicate with relatives in other cities , from whom she had not heard for a long time but , before any word was sent letters jworo received from the very persons mentioned , they ap parently being guided by the same mys terious intelligence. Mrs. Alvord also arranged for the payment of interest money due about the time of her expected death. . She continued in good health for one of her ago , but was lirra in her belief of the trruh of her forewarning. About three week ? ago Mr * . Alvord had a fall while walking about the house in the night , and broke ner hip. Owing to her advanced ageit was Impossible to set the bone , and sue gradually-failed until her death , April 1 , the ! d.a.yj'set by her mjs- tcrious Impression trireo.or four montsh ago. 1 Those who ridicule , trie idea that any disembodied intelligence conveyed the mysterious foreknowledge , and account for the coincidence by saying that in such cases the person's ) mind is tixed on the foretold date , and so * tix > ngly &s to pro duceby the simple foctthe | fulfillment of the prediction , go.toofaflor the safct/of their own ground-and op the other hand overlook a great variety of other facts , which go fur to upset the theory. First , if a mental imprdsslqn can determine life or death , that fact.jpf itself , is a sig nificant hint of the power of the mind , if not of its probable destiny to a post mortem existence. Second , other fuels , enough to fill a volume , exist , to show that the intelligence ( whatever one may call it , or believe it to bo ) that gives to so many persons a warning of their approaching preaching death , can , and does , see causes , leading to that fatal result , which nobody in the flesh can see. For ex ample , a man bearing the very nnme of the ladyabove referred to a Mr. Wood- ford , living some thirty years ago' in Avon , and whose business included the running of a saw mill had , one night , iv vivid and disturbing dream , in which ho was told that his death was near , that it would be caused by the breaking of a re volving saw , of which one piece would eutopen bis head , > -He told hi * family about the dreamland very quickly there after it all happened , jiut us he had been mysteriously told. . fr MYSBNORITA. . Ittitlcice P. need in Atlanta Ctmitttutton. One bright spring morning in 187 when the diligencia rolled out of Toboso , 1 found'myself the only passenger. I had a ride of forty miles before mete to the city of Mexico , and the prospect of making the trip nlono did not suit mo. The driver of the diligencia , one Gil Perez , hnd a villainous face , a face sug gestive of treason , strategoms and spoils , uid every time it turned in my direction I instinctively felt under the seat to see if my vahsc was still there. My valise was fully worthy of this attention on my pare. It contained 110,000 in gold , the result of collecting tnp 'to Toboso , undertaken in the inter est of a wealthy American client at the capital. The interior of the vehicle was capa ble of accommodating six or eight per sons , and I longed for a fellow-passen ger. ger.Wo Wo had not left the outskirts of the town fairly behind us , when the lumber ing old coach was brought to a sudden standstill , the four horses throwing them selves into a line across the road , with the evident intention of taking to the woods. "Cairajo , " howled Gil Perez from his lofty pcrcli as he gave his whip u vicious crack. "Thou devil of a Sanclio , I will cut out thy heart and liver ; and as for theo Perdita , 1 will Hay theo alive. " I laughed. When the driver talked in this fashion to his beasts he was in good humor. His lusty oaths and frightful threats counted for nothing. The cause of our halt wus soon ex plained. Two young women had sig naled Gil Perez to stop. One-of them was immediately bundled into the vehicle by her companion and the driver. It scorned to me that some bird , of the trop ics , with un overpowering glitter of gorgeous plumage , had swooped down upon mo , and I naturally looked out of the window until 1 could" think of some thing to say. It struck mo that the new passenger's maid , for such the young woman outside appeared to be , was a very picturesque affair. She had u rich complexion , with line black eyes , and her hair , arranged in a long , glossy plait , hung down nearly to her heels. Her head , neck and shoul ders were perfectly bare , and her only garments were a loose-fitting white cot ton tunic and a petticoat of red and blue reaching to her knees. She gave mo a saucy look , and kissed her hand to her mistress , keeping up a lively chatter all the time. After the driver hail stowed away thu light baggage of t ho senorita , auhu called her , and u parting udios had been ex changed between the ladv and the niry- looking young woman wno was to bo left behind , the diligencia started , and was soon rumbling on its way. Under the circumstances it was impos sible for mo to go on looking at the land scape forever. It was clearly my duty to make myself agreeable to the scnorita. 1 The tusk did not appear at all unpleas ant to me after I had furtively surveyed the situation out of the tail of my eye. If an excuse for opening the conversa tion had been lacking-Gil Perez wus po lite enough to supply it. "The senor will bo delighted to know , " he Raul , with a ( loutish , "thuUtho senorita - ita will honor us with her company all the wav to the city. " I managed in rather crippled Spanish to express my almost delirious pleasure , and wonnd up by saying that I had been In a state of utter gloom and dcspairover my solitary journuy. To my surprise the scnorita repliedin excellent English , and said that she was overjoyed to have uu American for a fel low-traveler. " 1 like the Americans , " slic said , "they are. what do you call it ? Nice , I think , is the word. Yes , they are so nice. " "Talks like one of our boarding-school misses , " I said to myself , and then I made some suitable reply. There was no question about it. The scnorita was pretty. Tall as a daughter of the gods , with midnight hair and eyes , harmonizing well with her brunette com plexion , she was what I called , impressed as 1 was with her costume , a blazing beauty. She was not dressed for travel ing , but perhaps she considered a ride of forty miles a more triilo. She was at tired after the fashion of the scnoritas I had seen promenading in the parks at the capital. Her hair was studded with Hashing gems , and her dross was of some almost diaphanous material that seemed to gleam and shimmer with the pr smat- ic hues of the rainbow. She wore the inevitable black lace mantilla , which Indies are seldom seen without in Span ish-American countries , but if it was in tended to effectually conceal her snowy shoulders it was a lamentable failure as a disguise ; as much so as the V-shaped bodice whicu was so liberally cut that I found myself softly quoting : On her white breast a sparkling cross she Which Jews might kiss and Infidels adore. My fair companion was not long in telling mo that she was returning from a brief visit to u sick relative. Beyond that she had little to reveal about herself. But .she did not scruple to ask any num ber of questions. Did I like Mexico ? Was I traveling for business or pleasure ? What did I think of the Mexican ladles ? I answered all these questions , as I lazily and complacently watched the flut tering fun with which this beautiful crea ture appeared to do at least half her con versation. In fact I grow unnecessarily communicative. 1 mentioned my vuit to Tohoso , and told of my success in col lecting an old debt for which 1 was to receive a good fco. . "And the senor is not afraid of rob bers ? " hinted the scnorita. "Well , ccrtainlv not in the daytime , " I replied. "I have u good soven-sliootor , and with the driver to help me I ought to bo able to hold my own. " "You Americana lire so brave , " mur mured the scnorita ; "but the brigands are very bold. I have seen them in the suburbs of the capital. ' " "Scnorita " I answered "look , , at this little toy , and toll me if a highwayman would earn to face it. " 1 handed her my pistol , a weapon of the latest improved pattern. She exam ined it with interest. "Let mn lay it on tiio seat hero , and conceal it under my mantilla , " t > ho sug gested. "If we need it I can hand it to you quicker than you could draw It from your pocket. " As it was really a good idea , 1 con sented readily. Wo did not suffer for topics of conver sation ; but this girl , made such a pretty picture in her strange cost u mo that I found sufficient entertainment In look ing at her. 1 was just boginnint ! to ad mit to myself tl.nt 1 was madly in love with her , .when the diligunciu gave a lurch , and cama to n full stop in a dark and thickly-wooded phicti through which we wore passing. "El Tornado ! " shouted Gil Perez. ' .Merciful saints ! " cried tliesenorita. I felt an uneasy thrill. * Kl Tornado was the bravest anil most desperate brigand in that region. Ho had a short time before kidnapped n wealthy banker , and in default ot u r.insom had with his own hand blown out the prisoner's bruins. "Quick ! My pistol ! " I exclaimed , But a mysterious change hnd come over the scnorita. liutoro the word were out ot my mouth she had tlu-s weapon at full cock lew-led at my head. "Senor Americano , " she said , "it is useless to resist. See ! " A glance .showed that I was hulpluxri. Only four robbers were iu sight , but they were four against one , to say nothing o ! the senontn. The men wore all masked One hold the horses of the diligoncia , another stood guard over Gil Perez will , n pistol pointci } at his head , while thl two others at either window of the coach , covered mo with their weapons and' do > nmnded my valise. "Tho senor will hand it to you. " Could that voice bo the scnoritii's ? Un' doubtedl v it was.but it sounded strangely. With three revolvers focused on mo , within a few inches of my head , then was nothing to do but to nmka the bust of it. I quietly delivered the vulisu witk its golden contents. The door wu ; opened and the scnorita was assisted out by one of the brigands. She was instantly helped into a vacant saddle , and El Tornado exchanged n few whispers with her. Tnon ho turned to mo. "Thanks , senor , for your attention to this lady. You carry with you our bcs > wishes , Adios ! " f "Adios , senor , " chimed in the lady , ? | waving her hand. I grumbled out an answer , and the | lit- . tie cavalcade spurred off at a gallop. Gil Perez was but of little comfort to mo. Ho crossed himself several limes , and told mo that 1 wits lucky iu ese iping from El Tornado with my life. Then ho swore at Sancho and Perdita , and lashed the horses until they dashed forward at the top of their speed. - - ' One night n week after I was' coming out of the opera house with n friend. The president and a group of ollicials came along , and tve made way for them. Sud denly a face that once seen could never bo forgotten , Hashed before my eyes. Leaning on the arm of a distinguished- looking ofllccr in a colonel's uniform was the fionorita , my own Honorita ! "What Is the matter"askcd my friend. "That woman ! " I cried , "Who is she ? " "The Senora Alvarez , " was the quick answer. "And the man ? " "Her husband , Colonel Alvnrrz. " "Taken back us I was , I thought of what was duo to my friend. I tola him the whole story. , "I urn sorry you have lost your senorita - ita , " ho said , with a grim smile , ' 'jjut keep your discovery to yourself. I have no doubt Alvanv. docs .sometimes take a hand in highway robbery under the name of El lorn ado , and his wife helps him. She posted the gang about your visit to Toboso. Everything that oc curred was prearranged. But you have , no remedy. Alvarez is an officer of high standing. If you make the charge that ho is El Tornado you will be shot as slire as fate I" Other Americans took the same view , and , as my client showed no disposition to make u light for the recovery of bis motiny , I took my departure for the states without ngain seeing my senoritu. i Worked Up Her Miiacle. A lailv who once bought n big bustle To iut ; It on hnd unite a ttistlu. .She worked hard all the day , Till thu sun passed away. Ami at night she had qultu a fargn inn sole Gnlni ; lo llcnvrii on a Blow Train San FrnncUco Chronicle : "Fiill In , stranger , full in ! " shouted a Salvation Army leader , us ho finished his exhorta tion and shouldered Ma banner on the struct corner the other evening. "Come along with mo. " "Ulioni arc you going ? " thoughtfully 4 replied a sad looKing man un the curb- v Mono. "I'm goinir to heaven , " said the Salva- ' tinnKt , "I've boon on the road nine ycar-t. " "Wiill. if yon'vo ' been nine .yearn on the roml , " roplfcd thu bcoffur. "iind Inivcu't trot any further than Kearno.y ttrcet , jo'i'd butter trivti it lit ) , pard. " And tlm bybtundorsIndulged in n rirh baniuiio smile as the procession moved off win hling that beautiful hymn , "We'll Gut There All the Sumu. " ' '
