10 THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY * APKIL 10 , 1887.-TWELVE PAGES
FACTS FOR FAIR FEMININITY ,
T7hat the Daughter * of Oharlea Kingslcy
Did for Themselves.
WOMAN'S WORKS AND WAYS.
A Itonanza Queen's Jewcla
lirnililon'H IJI Income Ijomlon
Micdlfiivomen The "Nlztit-
Mate.
Courtship.
7/'ir/cr ' * ] l < intr.
It clmnecd , they say , upon a day ,
A furlong from the town ,
That she was strolling up thi way
As lie was strolllnc down-
olio liumiiilni ; low ns mialit be so ,
A ditty .sweet nnd sinull ;
Ho wul&tllng loud n tune , you know ,
That had no tune nt all.
It happened so precisely f > o
As all their iricnds nnd neighbors know.
As I nnd you perhaps mlzlit do.
They cozed upon the ground ;
lint wnon they'd 1:0110 n ynul or two ,
Of course they both looked round.
They both were pained , they both explained
What caused their eyes to roam ;
Anil nothing nftcr that romalnud
Hut ho should see herlioino.
it hnppitno I so precisely .so
As all tlu'ir frieiuU nnd neighbors know.
Next day to that 'twas common chat ,
Admitting no debate ,
A bonnet close beside n lint
NVns Bitting on a Kate.
A month , not more , had bustled o'er , *
When , urn vim : nod nnd smile ,
Onn bliiililni : soul came through the door ,
Where two went up the nlsln.
It happened so precisely seAs
As all their friends and neighbors know.
GhnrlcH Klnesloy's IJnnchtcrs.
Hose Klngsloy in Wide Awake : Lot
me toll you how wo wore taught to help
those who helped us iu our dear old
homo at Evorslcy Rectory.
Of course in a unsy house where everyone
ono lias work to do , the servants cannot
bo helped much week days : c.\ccpt by
tlioughtfulness in little things. Hut
there is the seventh day , when the chil
dren have no lessons to do. This was
what wo wcro tauclit to look upon as the
"helpers' ' " day of rest , as far as wo
could make it so.
In the morning breakfast was cnrlior
than usual. While wo wcro breaKfasting
the maids were emptying our baths for
they wore too heavy for ns children. As
soon as breakfast was over wo trotted off
to our rooms , made the beds , folded up
ami put away all our clothes , dusted
nnd in fact put tilings straight all round.
Then we ran down to the dining rppm
nnd laid the table for dinner ; and capital
butlers we all became , I assure you. By
these means the nmlds wcro all ready in
their nice Sunday dresses to go to church
With ns all at 11.
Dinner Sunday no matter who was
with us was at 1 o'clock instead of 7.
Tliis was the only hot meal in the day.
No cooking was done after 1 o'clock , as
our supper was cold. At both dinner
nnd supper the servants were sent away
And wo waited at table. I laugh now
when 1 think of the faces of horror of
learned men or gallant soldiers who had
come down to spend Sunday in the dear
old rectory or ridden over from Sand-
'burst or Aldorshot to the morning ser
vice. The ngoiiics they wont through at
being waited on by the daughters of the
'house ' ! The struggles they made to bo
.allowed to change their own plates ! And
[ their resigned submission when , quietly
told by their host , "It is the way of the
house ! " Thnt was how wo were made to
help the faithful and devoted servants
who spent their lives in helping us. It
was not tnueli. But it gave them an al
most free Sunday.
A Bonanza Queen's Crown < Jnwel4.
Eclectic Magazine : It is said in Paris
that Mrs John Mackay owns the linost
jewels in the world. Two specimens
certainly take precedence over any of
the kind that are known. Ono is a sap
phire that she bought for 1150,000 from a
Itussian princo. It measures a centimetre ,
about four-tenths of an inch in diameter ,
nnd has no dcfeot. She also owns the
most splendid emerala known. Among
her other toys la a necklace of pearls
worth $100,000 , and a set of corals , com
prising a brooch , crown , bracelet , etc. ,
nil of the must delicate rose color , each
piece covered with diamonds. It took
two years searching to complete the col
lection of gems , and there exists only
one other like it , and that belongs to thu
queen of Portugal. Further than these
is a pair of solitaires worth $ 125,000. Ono
of them was bought at the sain of the
effects of the duke of Brunswick , and the
jawolnr who was commissioned with se
curing its mate was upward of two years
in getting it. Most of these jewels , as
well as a great quantity of valuable lace ,
will probably como , some day , to the
Princess Colonna , the daughter of Mrs.
Wackay.
. Women Braver Than Men.
Heading ( Pa. ) Herald : I was talking
with a dentist the other day , anil , much
to my surprise ho told mo that women
underwent dental operations much better
than men. llo said ho vastly-preferred
women patients , because they were less
trouble , submitted more easily to what
was necessary to bo done and bore the
little hurts necessary to such operations
with greater fortitude. "A woman has
much more endurance,11 be said. "As
BOOH as you begin to operate on a man's
toutli ho begins to fidget and shrink ,
nnd every time you touch n tender spot
'ho ' wants to jump out of his chair. His
conduct makes the operator nervous and
tired The average woman however , will
eit through a whole afternoon of drilling
and filing and hammering at her teeth
like n major. Yon nro able to do moro
more satisfactory work for bur , and feel
leas fatigued when you have finished. A
female gives a somewhat louder scream
than a man when shu has a tooth pulled ,
but she approaches the forceps more
bravely nnd is not BO apt to have the
toothache scared away by the sight of
the xlmitist , ns is no often the case with
the patient of the male persuasion. "
Making Themseltes Healthy.
Now York Sun : The women are doing
more , perhaps , to make themselves
healthy and pretty than they ever did or
liad a chance to do in modern times be
fore. HorsebacK riding , swimming ,
walking , exorcising in gymnasiums ,
sparring , playing games that strengthen
muscles and develop forms , and studying
hygiene with as little study and as much
fun as possible are some of their devices.
Why , the young women are undergoing
n revolution ! Their mothers don't know
what to make of them though candor
compels the admission that a great many
of the mothers are paying as much at
tention to the subject as any ono- except
that they may not all have the now
Kcienco down as finely a * that lily of the
etugo who is described in thu provincial
papers as taking a cold bath every morning -
ing to preserve her health , washing her
face with cold cream instead of water so
us to avoid wrinkles , and walking like a
postman to keep herself muscular.
Mia * nraildnn'H nig Income.
Cosmopolitan : Morel-writing now-
ndays is a precarious and not very profit
nblu nailing. A very fair price , as thing *
, U fa.OOO for the serial rights of a full
ingth story , and assuming that the au
thor makes $100 by the throu-volumo edi
tion , and as much by a cheap edition ,
his total profit would amount to $3,800
notgroat do&l , considering the labor
nnd time that the writing of a novel ia
volve * . On the other hand , there are ua
doubtedly prizes , and if the writer
nmchoa the lop of the tree and is aa pro
iillo a * UU Druddon ho can make , if noi
a great fortune , at any rate a handsomn
neoino by his pen. Miss Draddon , I
should think , makes more money by tic-
Jon , than any other writer of the day.
! lcr fertility is prodigious I believe Miss
Hraddon gem about $5ODO for the serial
rights of a now story , and as she writes
something like two a year , or at the rate
of three In two years , her takings from
this source alone must bo considerable.
There may bo two or three writers who
command ns high a price , but none who
s equally popular and prolific. Whether
her works will live is another thing. I
am speaking of the present.
London Needlewomen.
All the Year Hound : The women en
gaged in the shirt trade are to the full as
ill oil' , as badly paid and as much to bo
iiltied ns were their sister.s in the dav
when Hood sang their sorrows and suf
ferings. The woman who is solely de
pendent upon hhop shirtmaking starves
rather than lives by It. She soon be
comes in very deed
The seamstress , lean and weary and wan ,
With only the ghosts ot garments on ,
who
In poverty , hunger and dirt ,
.Sews atonco with a double thread
A shroud as well as a shirt.
Happily many of the shirt hands are
not dependent upon the earnings of their
lecdlo. Numbers of thu married women
of the poorer classes work at the shirt
trade with a view of supplementing thn
scanty wages of their husbands , nnd the
additional income thus gained , though it
may bo but three or four shillings a
week , sensibly increases tno comfort of
.ho household. Considering thu wretched
prices paid for the work , the surprising
: hing is that the women should
earn even as much at it , as some
of them do. Take the buttonholing the
leading brancli of the work in Tenement
street. The holes are rough punched in
lie factories , the work of the outdoor
lands being to stitch them round. This
buttonholing is admittedly "niggling , "
work , and yet the rate at which it is paid
for by the sweaters is a penny per do/on
collars. As each collar has three notes
the hand , who finds her own needle and
cotton , has to stitcli thirty-six holes for a
( cuny. Kvon HO , some of the experts by
working long hours , by rising early on
summer mornings and sitting late on
winter fights , by living on food that is
'ready to bo put into the mouth , " clnelly
bread and butter , and eating as they
work ; by acting on these lines some of
the btittonholers will earn as much as
eight or nine shillings per week. The
> rices p.iid by the manufacturers who
; lvo it out in the tint instance are prob-
tbly such as would enable a skilled and
ndustrious hand to make a living wage ;
butas matters stand such men are al-
nest compelled to employ middlemen ,
and the tender mercies of the sweater
arc cruel.
The Swedish Nightingale. ' * ) Mate.
London Truth : Count do Casa do
\Iiranda \ , now the lawful husband of
Christine Nilsson , is the son of a lady
who was governess to the late Queen
Mercedes , and who wa ? raised to the
rank of marchioness by King Alfonso.
The count a good many years ago led a
lioulovardicr sort of lifo in Pans. After
the Spanish republic collapsed ho was en
rapport with the Spanish embassy. His
particular function was to work the
press. Those journalists who wore m
relation with him found him the pink of
obliging courtesy , nnd ho was in a good
many instances bon comarado. Ho could
bo a "tartar" when ho liked , but ho pre
ferred not to be ono often. If my mem
ory does not deceive mo he was arrested
in the winter of the siege as a French
spy by the Prussians and taken to Ver
sailles to bo interrogated by liismarok in
person. The terrible chancellor made a
conquest of him.
New York Girls Who Walk.
The New York Walking club there is
a club , of course. Young America docs
nothing singly has been organized
within a month. Its binds its members ,
"Hociety" girls all , to live miles a day in
fair weather , to two miles in foul. It has
a club pace , a club costume and a club
rendezvous. Three miles and a half an
hour is the rate of motion it insists upon ,
and Wednesday afternoons are fixed for
its grand meets. In the matter of weara
bles It is at once latitudinarian and spe
cific. It has abjured the corset was the
like over heard before ? and high heels
are a tabooed barbarism. Long skirts
arc on the forbidden list , and walking
jackets , with coat sleeves as far removed
as possible from the arm-confining dolman
man , are written down arpong the neces
saries.
Women's Rights in France.
A French deputy has made u proposal
to amend the law relating to women's
civil rights in Franco. There is much
need for some alteration , for , although
women have have perhaps played a more
important role in the history of Franco
than any other country , they have been
persistently refused the ordinary liberties
which the Hex enjoys elsewhere. As the
law stands at present , women in Franco
may do what they like with their personal
property ; they may carry on . business as
merchants and In many cases they are
'head of commercial houses but their
privileges stop there. Single or married
they cannot bo witnesses iu civil suits ;
they cannot attest a birth or a death , tes
tify to the identity of a person known to
them , nor take part in family councils.
M. Ernest Lofovro's proposition , which
will likely bo adopted by the chamber ,
will remove these inequalities.
Adventures of Two Plucky Girls.
St. Paul ( Minn.l dispatch in Now York
Herald : A singular and romantic story
comes by telegraph from Windom , Minn. ,
a small town in tha southwestern part of
the state. Two young children wan
dered into thu town on Saturday oven-
ing. Their ages were about fourteen
and sixteen. They gave their names as
Charles and Hertio IJyers , of Hochestcr ,
N. Y. It was soon discovered thnt they
were girls in boys' clothing , and then
they admitted their names were Katie
and Lily Hyors. Their story was that
when very small they lived at Lindsay ,
Out. They removed to Rochester after
their parents' death , being taken there
by u brother , W. A , Hyors , now a resi
dent of Calgary , Northwest territory.
Being badly treated at Hooiioster , they
started without money to join their
brother at Calgary. In order to gel
away they dressed in male attiio. Their
trip from Rochester to Wiudom was
made on foot and in box cars as tramps.
Tnuy are cared for at Windom. W. A
Uyern , at Calgary , has been communi
cated with.
Gosulp for the Ladles.
There are 00,000 women farmers in
Ireland.
In South America the ladies have a
custom of throwing valuable fans upon
the stage instead of bouquets.
A woman in Ohio oats notning but pie.
Shohaa not tabled meat , bread , or veget
ables for sixteen years.
The two ladies in the New York schoo
board voted against eaoh other on the
question of tilling a teacher for slapping
b pupil.
It Is estimated that 7,000 young women
cara their living as governesses in pri
vatu Kngliah families with salaries a
$100 a year.
Mine. Minnin Hank has boon appointed
Oflicier del I'Academic for services rendered
dered to French musical art a distinc
tlou rarely conferred on a lady.
The widow of Anthony Trollopo Is described
scribed as n charming old lady witl
lovely white hair. She is still one of the
lights of the literary society la London.
Mary Anderson , after studying Frencl
in Paris , has decided to produce "A
Winter's Talo" Tory elaborately at Not
ingham , preparatory to her London
oason.
In Ontario nl | single women and
widows with the proper qualifications
can vote , and that is ono reason why all
ho municipal o 111 curs m that province
ire sueli sweet , mildmannorcd , go-homo-
at 0 and wear-slippers kind of men.
The girls at Covington , Ivy. , have orga-
nl/.ed a boycott whlcli involves non-asso-
Mntlon with young men who get drunk.
J'ho girls have Introduced what no man
'iad wit enough to devise a boycott that
; ) both expedient and lawful.
The Travelers' Aid Society , Instituted
jy Lady Frances Hnlfour , lias for two
years done an excellent work in befriend-
ng unprotected girls and women travel
ing in England , nnd has now extended
"Is good otlices to embrace the seaport
: owns. Three hundred voluntary local
agents nro connected with the society.
A now opening for women is the post-
ion of "walking lady. " Her duties are
o suffer herself to bo made an automaton
o rush the season. This month , for in-
> tancc , she appears in full spring cos
tume at placca where women most do
congregate , and , of course , attention is
Utractcd to the peculiar style of gar-
nents she wears , to the manifest ndvan-
age of merchants who have those pocu-
Irir styles for sale. She must have a line
iguro. a pret'y face , anil youth to fill
thu bill.
At the professional matinee tendered by
tlmo.liernhardt to the actors and actresses
of New York the flower of the profession
timed out. They went there entluisias-
ic , they grew wildly so as they sat
hrough the four acts of "Fedora , "
osssd flowers upon the stage , cheered
vitli exceptional intensity , wept with
ervor.and generally "took on" in a great
vay. It was a gala day for the French
itar , for the American stars and starlets ,
and for the managers , and in fact for
everybody.
During 1830 the higher classes for cirls
n St. Petersburg were attended by 713
Indents , a considcarblo increase upon
he figures in former years. Ever since
804 it has been possible tor women to ob-
ain university degrees in Russia , and in
L870 the ranks of medicine were opened
o them. Sweden followed the example
n a few months , and was therein soon
oincd by Norway. At the recent ex
amination of medical students at St.
'ctursburg ' fifty-four ladies obtained the
medical diploma. The thirty-eight
omalo. students who have entered their
names for the next examination will bo
ho last to bo admitted to the Russian
chool of medicine for women , which is
about to be closed.
Mine. Christine Nilsson , now Countess
2asa Miranda , was informed by an as-
rologor that she would have trouble
: rom two causes lire and lunatics. This
> rcdiction was verified , for , during the
vliicago lire she lost $ .20,000 , and when
Joston was burned nor loss was $200,000.
n Now York some years ago a crazy
nan followed her for a week , believing
hattlio words addressed by Marguerite
o Faust were intended for himself. In
Chicago a poor student decided to marry
: ier , and wrote passionate letters , to
which ho received no answer. Ono day
10 came in a superb sleigh , drawn by
bur horses , to take his afliancod bride to
the church. Mr. Jarrett quieted him by
saying : "You are lato. Mile. Nilssou
las gene there to wait for you. " The
.bird insane person was her husband ,
il. Rouzeaud , who died in an asylum.
RKLIGIOUS.
Cardinal Yannntelll has beondennltely ap
pointed to succeed CaidlualJacobinl us papal
secretary of state.
The Duke of Westminister will Rive 85,000
a year during the remainder of his lifo for
the build 1 UK of churches in ( Sreat Britain.
Twenty-two nieiubeis of the present senior
class at Princeton college intend to enter the
ministry , the largest proportion in many
years. .
Itev. Justin Dewey Fulton , D. D. , late pas
tor of the IJuptlst tabernacle church In
Brooklyn , has clvnn up the pulpit and started
out In a crusade against Romanism.
The Uuv. Kov. Dr. Itoburt K. Meredith , ot
the Union Congregational church , Boston ,
will succeed Dr. Pentecost as pastor ot the
Tompkin * Avenue Congregational church ,
Brooklyn , at the same salary , S7UOO.
In his discourse at Trinity church. Boston ,
on the Sunday after Mr. Beechers death ,
Uev. Phillips Brooks declared that the three
greatest Americ.ins of the century were
D.iniel Webster , Abraham Lincoln , and
Henry Ward Boecher.
The Washington ascnts of the depart
ment of the Women's Christian Temperance
union for the suppression ot Impure litera
ture , of which Mrs. Nellie H. Bradley is
superintendent , Imvo declared war against
cigar-store advertising carus representing the
nude In art
There Is a movement on foot In the Pro
testant Kplscoiwl church to make provision
for the widows and orphans of the clergy of
their communion by the regular taxing of the
chinches , similar to the tax for the support of
the bishop , the tax to be Invested us a fund
lor widows and orphans.
A professor "of the art of training the
memory adduces as a shining example of his
success the case of a Connecticut cluigymau ,
who , after live lessons , was enabled to com
mit to memory two sermons In two hours.
lie thinks tlmt If clergymen in gennral
should rcclto their sermons , rather than read
them , the world would be better.
The treasury department has denied to the
"Ho Wong Joss House" ot tJan Francisco ,
a society established tor alleged religious pur
poses , permission for the free entry of a
hgnre of a dragon , representing the god or Joss
Ho Won K. The tignre Is about one hundred
leut long , and is composed of paper , silk ,
metal , glass , feathers , tinsel nnd goats' hair.
The theological seminary established lit ty-
llvo jears ago by the Society Evungelique , of
Ccneva , inMilcli the well-known Merle
D'Aubigno was most of his lito a professor ,
has trained and sent out 500 pastors and
missionaries. Tim society's work , done at
an expense of about fifty thousand dnllais
1ms permeated central and western Euiopo.
Dr. Curran said to a Now York Herald re
porter recently that the pope had directed
Cardinal Gibbons to say for him to Dr. Mc-
Glynn that ho saw nothing so far In t.ie land
theories advanced by Dr. McClynn that vras
contrary to Catholic teaching. Cardinal
Uibbuns has communicated this expression
of opinion of the holy father to Dr. McUlynn.
Much interest has been excited by the an
nouncement that Captain Condor , ot the
Palestine exploration expedition , has suc
ceeded in deciphering and translating the
lilttlte Inscriptions. Ten principal texts are
known , and Captain Cornier claims to have
Interpreted all of them. Three of his
translations , published In the London Times ,
are Invocations to the sun and water gods ,
and , appaiently , ' to the divinity ot tlio
moon.
A correspondent of the Boston Watchman
pictures the perils of American students in
UerniHiiy. "When It is known , " ho writes ,
upon what waves ot unbelief the student In
a German university is compelled to ride.
what tides of rationalism ha must stem , and
what billows of positive Infidelity he Is to
encounter , It behooves him and his friends to
look wull to the boat In which he stirts out.
It will not do for him to begin to paddlu with
the oar of 'higher criticism' or rely upon the
Hteam ot 'New Theology' to carry him
through. "
Dudley Ca t or Countenance.
Washington Letter : Those beautiful
days Mra. Cleveland always enjoys rid
ing about m an open victoria. In thu
mormngt while her husband is toiling
and working up stairs In his library , his
beautiful wife orders the carriage and
iroos for a drive. Since her mother has
been out west , Mrs. Cleveland has not
gene out to Red Top , but has driven
about the streets of the city. The other
day an Englishman was walking on the
street , when the nhite house carriage
came alongand he saw Mrs. Cleveland for
the tirst time. The fresh air had made
her cheeks rod and rosy and she looked
very beautiful.
The Englishman was struck by her
beauty , and exclaimed :
"Ah ! she Is pretty. By far prettier
than the pictures offered for sale in the
London shops. She has the Dudley cast
of countenance that refined and stately
beauty which has made the Dudley
beauty famous. No wo uder yon Ameri
cans are proudof k . "
HUMOR FOR CHAPPY HOURS ,
Rhyming Criticism of a Fashionable
Church Service Audience-
*
MANAGING THE MERRY MULES.
Qrorcr Confounds Two , Jims Musical
Critics' Wealth "She Took
the Cnke"-"lt AVns
Ills Unit DeL" J
At Church , Sundny Morning.
The solemn church hell peallne on the car ,
ID brazen accuiufseems to say ,
"Coinu sliiclten hentt , and litul your solace
hi'io :
ComeDinner ; comoaml pray. "
And fast they come arrayed In fashion's
In silks and satins shimmering ponjcously ,
To lav the burdens of the. week aside ,
And bow the suppliant knee ,
[ f one could for the moment stand aloof
Impersonal , with power to road the .stream
Of thoughts uprising toward the lofty roof ,
How wondioUB strange 'twould seem !
frttr Nellie , honlnc she won't ct too stout ,
Her father acliuoinlnc to Incieaso his hoard ,
While over all the preacher's voice rings out ,
"Hear us , good hord. "
AVlille Cliaillo prays the tailor will RVO ! time ,
Aland sighs for gowns she knows she can't
allYiHl ,
An.d Helen hopes that flirting Is no sin ,
"Hear us , good Lord. "
Some wish for luxuries and some for love ,
Soinn for reventn.1 , seine only sign for rest ,
Some lix their souls upon the realms abuvo ,
Some laugh and jest.
! often wonder docs the preacher know
What UPS behind the masks of seriousness
Jpturncd before him. placlil , row on row ,
1 wonder dons he guess !
iVell , I myself have little cause for pride
For following aimlessly this Idle dienm
instead of listening rapt and eager-eyed ,
Unto the pietchers : theme.
The benediction finished , wo arise ,
Let's vow while going to our several din
ners ,
To try to be. so far as In us lies ,
A decent lot of "miserable sinners. "
Grover Thought it was Jim Blaine.
Washington Critic : "Daniel , " re
marked the president this morning , as lie
sat at his desk , absent-mindedly scrib
bling 1883 on his blotter pad. .
"Ye. , sire , " responded Daniel.
"Have you noticed by the papers thnt
wo are to have 'Jim , the Penman , ' in
town soon ! "
'Yes , sire. "
' \Vell \ , some ono told mo ho had scon it
announced , but I haVun't seen anything
of it. What do you suppose ho is coming
inro for , Daniel ? "
"Ho , sire ? " asked Daniel with a puz
zled look.
'Of coarse , Daniel. You wouldn't refer -
fer to Jim Hlaine as 'she , ' would you ? "
replied the president sharply.
Certainly not , sire. But what has Mr.
fllaine got to do with it ? "
" "That's what I want to know , Daniel. "
'Uut , sire , 'Jim , the Penman,1 is a play
they are going to give hero for the bene-
lit of the actors''Tund , and Mr. Blame
lias absolutely nothing to do with it. "
"A play , Daniel ? a play ? " and the
president pressed , hishands , over his tem
ples.
"Yes , sire. " . ,
"Well , why in thunder don't they give
it another name , so a.busy man can tell
the difference between politics and the
drama ? " J
It Was III * 'Last Deal.
San FranciscQ Chronicle : He was
dying. Ho had been a speculator in
stocks when ho was rich , a broker when
ho was half bankrupt , and a chipper all
the rest of his life. Ho hud held up the
railings in Pauper alloy for years , and ho
had stuck by the Comstock through all its
darkest days. Life's , margin was ex
hausted , and ho was about to bo sold out
of existence. The doctor.had given him
up , and his wife , who through all his
visionary life had made believe to see
with his eves , was by his bedside.
"I'm going , wife. This is my last deal.
I would like you to bury me "
"Whore , John ? "
"With my money , wife , with my ,
money. "
"Your money ! What are you talking
about ? "
" Halo & Norcross. "
"Bury me in .
Couldn't Frighten Him.
Boston Courier : A tramp walked" into
a bar room , and , holding a pear-shaped
object in his hand , said to the bar
tender :
"Gimme a drink or I'll explode this
bomb. "
"You're going to lire that bomb , are
you ? " said the bartender.
"I am if you don't give mo a drink , "
Thnn the bartender climbed over the
bar and ttiking the tramp by the collar
and another portion of his nppparal , ran
him to the door and pitched him head
foremost into a show-drift.
As the trump was picking the snow
out of his oars and nostrils , the bar
tender asked with a pleasant smile :
"What do you think of that in the way
of firing a bum ? "
She Took the Cake.
' Twas at the "Ladles' Annual Fair , "
The church with lights was gay.
On either side the fancy work
Was spread in britilit array.
To swell the "Heathen Mission Fund , "
A beautiful collation
Appealed to oveiy hungry man
With toothsome Invitation.
Behind the scenes with busy zeal ,
Urisk workers deftly sliced
The \arlous kinds of coldun cake ,
Plain , ralslnod , jellied , iced.
And as they sliced , those women bold
Discussed with reckless fever ,
CTho merits of each shortened loaf
The motive of eaeh giver.
Some cakes wore burned , some cakes
weren't light ,
Some wore too stiong with spices ,
On many a cake the Iclne cracked
\Vlion cut up Into slices.
"My I here's a loaf that beats the whole , "
Oiled Mrs. Urown. so mprry ,
Just look , Miss Smith , what Is the stuff ,
Molasses , doush or Jelly ?
"Whoever could have sent It In ?
"Tho maker ouzht to buy it ;
Who elsncould swallow such a moss ?
Ibhouldn'td.irototry . It , "
"Thanks Mrs. Brown , " said Mrs. Smith
Her voice with rase aslmko ,
"It may relieve your mind to learn
i donated th.it cako. "
#
'TIs well a certain rhyme to heed ,
It bids us nil taKe care
Of whom we apuMc , of what wo speak ,
And how , and wlion , and where.
A , Hot Easily AVon.
Robinson Didyou'over notice. Brown ,
the habit Dumloy liis | of saying "What's
that ? " to every remark made to him.
Brown No ; Ijliink you're mistaken ,
Robinson. ,
Hoblnson I'll hot you $3 that you
can't make a ntinurk-that ha won't say
"What's that ? " >
Brown ( puts up the money and accosts
Dumloy ) Will you'have something to
drink , Duraloy ?
Dumloy Dontcarefido.
How Musical Critics Grow Wealthy
Musical Herald : A man has just died
in Now York worth $503,000. This in
itself is not very strange , but when the
statement is added that ho was a musical
critic , the world at largo may be curious
to know how it is that musical
critics grow so wealthy. Wo will gladly
throw homo light on the subject. The
music critic generally suffers from only
ono malady. The constant chafing of
the scissors used in cutting the coupons
from his bonds often produces warts upon
his fingers. That'll warts the matter with ,
him. Ho docs not got rich upon hlainlary.
He attains wealth by economy , like the
pretty actress who received a salary ol
919 a week , and was M economical that
aha aaved | 50,0 0 out of it la ttiro * year * .
rownnwsnnpcrs pay their critics more
than f 500 a wock.wmlo In Boston salaries
have been known to drop as low as $200.
It is the perquisites that make up the bal
ance. 1 lie Critics' protoptlvo union has
established his perquisites as follows :
TKNOIM.
Calling thfin "silver-voiced1' ' . 815 00
Calling them "the modern Mario" . . . , 5000
Praising their high 1 Hat . 10 m
1'rulsliig their chest 0 . 3300
. . . . . . OPKASOS. . .
Only rival of 1'attl" . S",0 00
"Pearly staccato" . yo oo
"Llmnid sweetness" '
. 'JO 00
" ( Irand coloratura" . SO 00
"Magnllicout lloritura" . 80 oj
( "Tessitura " "Colorado "
, Maduro" and a
few other terms are thrown in free , but
personal charms are extra. )
PIANISTS.
"rreat American pianist" . zr ,
"Itlppltne tone" . S10 00
"Kecalla UtiDlnsteln" . 0 00
"llrcezy execution" . -10 00
[ It is understood that the mentioning of
every pianist as "the favorite pupil of
Lis/.t" is thrown In free with any of the
above. ) Wo can not spare space to give
the entire prioo list , but feel convinced
that our readers will now understand
why musical critics live in such splendor
and leave such enormous fortunes.
Managing a Mitt * .
Tnctn lltwcll in the Into -Ocean.
Yon , Nebuchudnez/ar , who s.ih ,
Where Is you tryln' to KO sah I
Pse a holdln' on the lines
You better stop ( tat prancln' , *
You's powerful fond o' dancln' ;
lint I'll but my ycah's advaiicln *
lat ) I'll cure you ob your shines ,
Look heah , mule ! Hotter mln' out ,
Ku's t'lnR you know you'll lin' out ,
How quick I'll wear tils line out
On jour tuly stubborn back.
\ on npcdn' try to steal up
An' IIP dat precious lu-el up ;
Ynu's got to plough dis lie ! ' up ;
You lias , soli , for a fac' .
Dar , dat's do way to do It !
He's com In' rUht down to It ;
Jes' watch him ploughing t'roo It ;
Is ! nlirner ain't no fool.
Some folks dcy would 'a beat htm ,
Now dat would only heat him ;
1 know jcs' how to treat him ;
You must reason w Id' a mule.
He minds me like a nigger ;
If he w s only blzjjor
He'd fetch a mltrhty liper ;
Ho would , I tellyou I Yes , sail 1
See how ho keeps a-clickin , ,
He's as gentle as a chicken ,
An' nebber links o' kickln'
Whoa , dahl Nebuchadnezzar !
Is dls lie.ih me , or not mo ?
Or is lie dubbil got me ?
Hab 1 laid Iieah uioie'n a week ?
Dat mule do klukama/.lu' ,
De beast was spil'd in raisin' ;
Bv now I 'spect he's Rrazln *
On toddor bide do creek.
A Poker Player Scared at a Small 1'nlr
"You know Jimmy Saywell ? " said a
traveler.
"Yes. "
"Well , he's a great poker player. "
"Yes , he has the reputation of being
ono of the best in the c'ty. Lots of nerve.
Never known to back down before a
small hand. "
"Yes , but I saw him scared nearly to
death at a small pair. "
"Indeed. Who held it ? "
"Tho nurse. They were twins. "
Ho Know its Value.
London Gazette A fellow living on
Jack's creek during the war owed a gen-
.tlctnHti some $20 , and as he could not
pay he was rcmicstod to give his note for
the amount. This ho readily assented
to. Ho was then told that ho must put a
twenty-cent stamp on thn note. "Twenty
cents ! I wouldn't give 20 cents for the
note. " '
_
Only Itclated by Marriage.
San Francifcco Chronicle : It was a ball
and ho had just come from the east. He
bud been introduced to a lovelv creature.
He told mo what she wore. Ho was one
of these fellows who know what ladies
wear , it was a sky-bluo tunic , trimmed
with green lace and embroidered in gold
with a skirt of Valenciennes linsey-
wolsoy or something like that ; I don't
remember. Ho hurt caught her name in
introduction as Miss Something and ho
was much touched by her beauty. But
ho did not like the apparently very
friendly terms she was on with another
fellow , and began quietly pumping to
iind out how things stood :
J'Ho seems vcrv fond of you , " he said.
% 'O he rather likes "
, yes : me.
"It looks very serious. "
"O it's serious. "
, no ; not very
"But there is something ? "
"Nothing out of the ordinary. "
"Perhaps ho is a relation ? "
' Yes , ho's n relation. " '
"Brother or cousin ? "
"Neither. He's only a relation by mar
riage. He's my husband. "
He Meant a Lilt , Yo Kticow.
Washington Critic : "Have you got a
raiser in the house ? " asked an Indiana
man who registered at Willard's , late last
night for ono night only.
" 1 don't know of any , sir , " replied the
clerk , "and the barber shop has been
closed for two hours. "
"Barber shop , thunder ! " exclaimed the
impatient guest. "I don't want no bar
ber shop. I'm tired out. Iw.inttogo
up ctairs to bod. "
"All right , sir , and I'll send the razor
to you in the morning so you can shave
before breakfast. "
"Young man , " said the Indiunian , as
a light dawned upon him , "you're off
your base. I don't want no razor to shave
with ; I want a raiser that'll got me up
stairs without having to walk. "
Then the clerk tumbled , and the bellboy
boy led the guest over and put him in
the elevator.
CONQUERS PAIN.
tff After a lapse nf yrart statement ! confirming
the t&mcy of H. JacoU Oil aiui lit permanent
cara , areijiecn below.
Ex-Frost. St. John Ilaitl tSoe. I8B2.
Musltc'gon , Michigan.
Being nno of your pulicnts in the use of
St. Jacob * Oil , iti u cnso of chroulo rheu
matism , I can recommend it fully , an my
Tmlnsarocec-slntf nud 1 am using a tlilra
tottlo. NA17OLEON NOUMANDIN ,
From Same * Years Later.
Muskugon. Mich. . Nov. 2 , 18S6.
Buffered yearn with rhcnmnUsm In the
legs , i-'uvr many doctors and nothing did
mo any Rood. I tried a few bottles of St.
Jacobs OIL The rheumatism entirely dis
appeared. KAI'OLIXJN NOBMANDIN.
An Editor' * Suffuraift bct. , 1880 ,
Bloomlngton , 111.
I have had rbenmaUum lu my ankle
for many years imd could get no relief.
Three applications of St. Jacobs Oil liu
From Same fl Team toter Cured.
Bloomington , 111. , Oct. 18. 18M.
I think it iron in I860 fit. JacobsOllcural
mo of rheumatism. I had it all my lift )
nud it itttlcd In my anklo. Could not
walk without a cane. J bought ono bottle
and uied It. In a few dayi the pain wa
I Rene and to this duy I liavo not had a
] Such of It. I'KftCY A. FOLbOM ,
From n Rheumatic Suffernr-Cnred.
Irunton , Ohio , Nov. 6 , 1SSB.
Four years ago I wu troubled with
rheumatism In arm and ehouldcr. I uacd
BU Jtcobs OH and covered the parts with
flannel. I continued itn use until I no
loiiKcr felt the rheuroatiim. I have never
bcenbotherrditUhlUluce. _ _ .
JACOB WEDDLE , ute COL Vois , u. s. A.
THE CUAIU.EB A. VOQELEBCO. , lUltlmore , Mi.
t-AU perioni VHI.NO St. Jacobi Ott or Hal
Bar Cough Cure , vUl 1 J lending a hco.ccnt itamp
and a hUury of their eaie , r cottADYIc nix.
IVBOM OCIAXM AKD rOISOH.
SAFE.
SURE.
PROMPT.
WE UAVK JUST OVEXED AX ENTIRELY NEW LINE OF
Fine and Medium Clothing ,
For Men , Boys and Children.
F vices the Lowest for Good Gooils. Suit * from 92. 75 to $30.
ROBINSON & GARMON ,
Frank J. s' Ohl Stttnil , 1311 Farnam St.
HILL & YOUNG :
Farnam Street.
&ti
FURNITURE ,
House Furnishing Goods.
HEIGHTS BEHTS THEM ftLL
More attractions and less objections than any other addition.
The grand view of these heights from Paxtou Block , Omaha's
business center , is unequalled. Property well bought is twice
Bold. The north half of this addition is now platted and will be
old at prices which challenge competition , considering loca
tion and general surroundings.
The south half will be platfed so soon as railroad linr , depot grounds , and a bus
iness center and grounds for several large manufactories can be determined an4 Ji'J '
out to accommodate all ,
No pains will be spared to make this large , fine addition a success.
LOTS 250 TO 500 DOLLARS ;
One-fifth down , balance easy payments. To appreciate this addition you must view
the Heights from city , and the city from the Heights. Special inducements in price
of ground with railroad facilities and running1 water to manufacturing enter prise
THE 75th GRAND DRAWING , MARCH 20th ,
NO BLANKS , IIIG I RIZ S OK BEWAKDS !
One Million Distributed Every Year
DBACUUJlUhATSU IXTttllB 8T MONKV 1HV1I KI AMUMU A tfKJV LUCKY IlOlf
IlOLUKUb KVeitY 3 BIO.NT11S.
Only ? 2.00 required to secure one Royal Italian 103 francs gold bond. These bon 4
participate in four drawings every year and retain their original yal u
until the year 1944. Prizes of 2,003,003 1,003.000 , 510,003 , 250,000 , &c. francs will b
drawn , besides the certainty of receiving back 103 francs In gold , you may win 4 time
cvcrv vcil *
Thfi Is M afc. nnd t'io host. Investment over offered , a ) the Invested money roust . bo paid back
when bond rautureg. 8 jnd forrlroul iri at It will par yon to d5 , or send your or.Iors wltn mouuy
or roBtsW "l letter , or postal imtcn , nnd In return wo will forward the uooumonn.
UiitLI.UANKING : CO , , 305 Ilroadtviiy , New York City.
N. B. These bontU are not lottery tickets'and their sale is legally pe nnittcd in thoU
S. by laws of 1B73.
ZFLOTJIR
Best Minnesota. $2.75.
Choice " 12.40.
Oood 12.00.
WARREN V. JtROWN , THE CASH GROCER.
Northeast Corner SU Itary'i Aye. auu 10tU 8U. '
