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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 6, 1887)
THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY , FEBETTART 6. 1887.TWELVE PAGES , SELECTED FOR MEN MAINLY , Two Oolnmna of Parts and Gossip About Women and Their Ways , POLISHED MINDS AND NEATNESS McdlcntVomen nncl Xhclr Husbands Botno Things n Olrl Should Ijcnrn Itcmunorntlro AVork - Kind \Vonmn'n Rights , A Fair Florentine. Eugene Davis. Hho hath eyes that shame the night. Deep ami mystic , dark with doom , Illch In thought , alive with light When the passion llowers bloom , And her lips are scarlet icd , Mute , nud motionless and calm , Till a score of kisses shed Love's elixir on their balm. Soft and downy Is her breast. Tranquil as a virgin rose. How to rock In wild unrest , L.lko an ocean In Its tin oca. Delia , Holla , ( .Iraziblla , Queen whrro Arno's ri\cr flows , bho hath locks of dnrkcstdaik. 13row of enow nud facn ol lire ; Tuneless Is the KlnKlne Inrl : When she Htilkes her sliver Irro ; Arno's speech Is not as sweet As the music of her voice When she runs to incut aud erect The I.nliil of her choice. Myhrr and oleander dells lllooin with beauties raio to see ; Yet within their shadow dwells Not a fail or nymph than she ; Uella. Holla , Urazlelln , Heart and hea\on throb for tlicc. riorcnco hath more stately dames. Uarbcd In silk and deekcd uith lace , Dut they lack the living llnmcs Sweeping o'er her cherub face. FJnln-robed lassos otten are Kach a muio bewitching priro Thau the blue-veined pimuicst star Gleaming from pnhitlal skies. Viva Hacco 1 Tap the cask I We will drink this health of llilno With a bumper from a llask Ot the ruddy Tuscan wine , Hclln , Hella , Utazlolln , Maid of maidens , Florentine ! The Neatest AYommi in the AVoria. New York Times. Somebody who lias traveled extensively has been talking in a Denver paper about American women , who , ho declares , are the neatest the world over. As a rule , they like to bo neat and clean for the comfort of it , though they are sometimes found to be come slatterns when placed where they believe themselves unknown and therefore free from criticism , Ho goes ou to say : "Tho hnblt of neatness or its opposite 'is nn interesting study in women. The characteristic naturally exists just the Eame in jnon , but the circumstances gov erning their lives are such as do not brini ; out this phase in such pronounced fashion. I don't doubt but that some of the uroatost slatterns on earth are men , but they are seldom found out , von know. If you arosulliciontly intimate with agon- tloman to gain access to his apartment youwill soon have a very excellent method of judging his habits. .If yon find his brushes full of hair nnd lint , his towels and soiled clothes kicking about every where , with a bowl of dirty water always on lus washstand , yon may easily judno that he will go out into the stieet with Kri-aso spots on 'his clothes and half- Boiled linen on. " The Hlchor Education of AVomen. Sidney Smith ilcinonstratcd ; seventy- five years ago certain theorems relating to higher education. These are some ol them : "There is no just cause why a woman of forty should bo more ignorant than a boy of twelve years of ago. " "When learning ceases to bo uncom- 'jnon among women , learned woiacu will cease 10 bo uO'ectcd. " "Nothlnc can be more perfectly ab surd than to suppose that the care and perpetual solicitude which a mother feels for her children depend upon her Jgnoranco of Greek and mathematics , nnd that she would de.serfc an infant for u quadratic equation. " " * "Among men of sense and liberal po liteness u woman who has .successfully cultivated her mind without diminishing the gentleness and propriety of her manners is always sure to meet with re spect and attention bordering upon en thusiasm. " Medical AVotnon--niulTIioIr Husbands. I i Now York Medical Journal : Jn a recent number of Lyon Medical wo find n account , quoted from PetitMarsollais , of a domestic contention between a lady practitioner of medicine and her husband , which has led to proceedings before ono of the courts. The action turns upon the question of a husband's legal right to open and road the letters received by his wife. The husband in this case prays the court to aflirni his right to do so , and the wife askH that ho bo ro- Btraincd from taking such liberty. The points as stated by the parties to the suit nhow a sort of hand-to-hand conllict grievous to contemplate from the domes- tie point of view , but ono that , it is not illlnoult to imagine , may readily arise between - twoon other medical women and their husbands , and one that is therefore of interest to a rapidly increasing section of the profession. The lady states that it is a matter of ovcry-day experience for her to receive written communications from her pa tients , and that in ninny instances they nro pf such a nature that professional necrecy is violated if they are read by her Jiuhband , who. she says , consented to her becoming a physician , nnd should have taken the consequences into account. Bho could no more think , she adds , of taking him into her conlidenco in such matters than of allowing him to witness her private examinations of patients. The husband replies that he would re sign himself if it were only from women that the letters came , but says that she gets them from men albo. She then asks him if she ever agreed to restrict her practice to women. "No , " ho mildly uuswura , "but what about propriety and modesty ? " "Everything , " the wife retorts - torts , "vanishes in the interest of Immun ity and snienco. I have dissected male us well as female subjects. 1 am blaso us regards your sex , as 1 urn Inilifl'oront to the other. To mo man is nothing more than a subject of observation.1 "That , " says the husband , " 1 cannot udmlt. Sluca you pretend to love me , or to liavo loved mo , it is evident that your studios hayo not made you indltter- out. 1 have reason to bcllovo I hat you ure not incapable of bontiment. I fear that your imagination will got the bet tor o ! your science , und that some new , unknown man will sot your heart or nerves quivering as the result of conli- deuces and visits. " "You would forbid my practising my profession , " says sho. "No , " says ho , "i would only take nart in it with you to H reasonable extent. 1 ask not to practice medlcino , but I must \vatchover you as I vowed before the civil nniglstrato. 1 owe you aid ami pro tection. Ilow can I protect you if I know not the dangers that threaten you ? 1 will toll nobody what 1 may road , but I Insist on reading oTorythlng. Since many women wmo a mixsciilfiio hand , just as many men write a feminine hand , 1 can toll the ono from the other only by break ing the bcal of every missive , and leaving uone unoxamlncd. " In his heart this solicitous husband EOCIUS to feel the weakness of his case on general principles , for ho si'oks to justify liis course by citing ono of the letters he had opened , the letter in question being one that was hot a request for a prescrip tion , it is to bo inferred that it was comothlng quite- different , lint oven that does tiot silouco the lady. "Yes , " she laya , " 1 hava a melancholic , patient , ono iruo is disgusted with life ana asks mo to restore Its attractiveness for him. Ho would lovoj ho Is searching after lore and is in despair that he doe * not meet with It. As his languishing state Is con nected with hereditary tendencies , and as 1 think the best way of bringing him back to a wholesome mode of life lies in avoiding abruptness. I do not talk medi cine to him in our interviews , and in his letters ho answers nin with sentiment. Must physicians be accused of leading their patients on to love thorn , because they humor their illusions before giving them drugs ? Any woman may be faithless , as any man may bo vic torious , but if I were nn actress , an artist , or simply a woman of independent means , unemployed , passing my days alone , I should bo quite as nnlch exposed , if not more so , as m leading a llfo that shows mo humanity in all its miseries and in its Injuries. You would have Jess correspondence to look over , but you would have more equivocal in terviews to break up. It Is because 1 have made myself estimable , by working , by acquiring knowledge , by trying to do good , that 1 am oxposwl to the injury of your suspicions ? At bottom It ! * < not of my ftailticslliat you are jealous , but of my dignity and my importance. If 1 wcro a frivolous nonentity I should possess your conlidenco ; being a useful and seri ous woman , but loss easy to deceive , I awaken your distrust. \ on are afraid of becoming my inferior , and you arc try ing tyranny to preserve the balance. " The connubial tic having been strained to the degree exemplified in this state of antagonism it may make little dllloiunco to the parties to the suit how the court decides , but the decision can scarcely fall to come up in the minds of female practitioners of medicine meditating matrimony or in those of husbands called itpon to cj nsont to their wives studying medicine. Homo I'll I ii.ts n Girl Should Licnrn. New Orleans Pica5-imo : A girl of ten years of ago should , if her parents can possibly ullbrd it , bo taught the value of money by having a certain stated allow ance. She should have her own pocketbooK - booK nnd her own money , and whether the sum bo great or small it would bo in valuable lessons in practical economy ; in how to spend money and how not to spend it , and in respectful self-depend- once. With her pin money she should bo oxpeetcd to pay her own car faro , buy her own gloves and collars and "no tions" generally , do her own ' 'treating , " and bo in fact her own financier. In no other way can she bo so successfully taught the proper value of money. A girl who never hasanymonoyof her own , who must ask papa every time she wants ton cents for car faro or money for a now nichinjr , is a poor , spiritless creature , robbed of considerable individuality and deserving of pity. Unless she marries a manager she will probably bo that most humiliated of all women , a beggar-wife , who has to coax , cajole , beg money from her husband , explain piteously what she docs with it , and mule : to feel all the misery of unjust dependence. A girl should be taught the responsibility of possessing things. She should realize the full import of that old familiar saying , "Whars.jninc is my own. " The loss of self-preservation makes a man most careful - ful of tilings that are his own. A girl's books , pets , llowors , toys , ornaments should bo her own to do with as she wills , for which she will bo responsible to her own conscience. She Should bo made as early as possible a responsible agent , and taught to rolv on hor.selr , to do for herself , to buy for herself. If her taste in dress is bad , improve it bv kindly crit icism and loving advice. Lo ) not fester helplessness by assuming for her her re sponsibilities. There was a time when sickly or delicate young women , who fainted easily and could not get a whole strawberry into their Hear little mouths , were all the fashion in womanhood. In those days it was vul gar for a young woman to say she was hungry or to eat with a wholesome relish and a good sensible appetite if gentle men wore present. Girls aimed to look languid , nnd were vain that they could not walk , and wcro not strong enough for any greater physical exertion than standing at the front gate for throe or four hours at a time talking to a young man. Those dnj's are gone by forever. Healthy , wholesome , energetic , agile , strong young women are the fashion. Fainting is as much out of date as a coal scuttle bonnet. The girl of to-day is not afraid to let her best young man see her oat a dozen fried ovsters. She will walk with him from Canal htrcotjo Carrollton and baclc and bo less "blowii"tlmn , he at the end of the trip. In fact , helpless women are out of style ; they no longer exist , even in the novels. The wisest mother is she wbo to-daj'is helping her beautiful , sweet , and modest young girls to become bravo and self-reliant women , not bold nor forwardly solf-asiortlve , but surely not afraio > to face any of the duties and dangers and responsibilities of a woman's lot. ncmuncrntlvo Work lor Women. To lind remunerative work for women , says a writer in the Queen , is one of the problems of the day. a problem not likely to bo solved while women , as a rule , want'"to oat their cake and have it. " lint 1 am strongly of opinion that there is plenty of work for those who will do it. With regard to painting as a re munerative employment , I am convinced that in the ordinary way it is hopeless. Elizabeth Thompson , the bister * Mont- alba , Almo. Jcrichan , Kate Givonaway , and a few others ( alas ! very few ) have achieved famn , and doubtless with the fame something moro substantial. Those who are gifted with like talent should work hard , and in duo time they will reap an ample reward. Hut alas ! thorn are not many with such talents fewer have the noce&dary advantages , aud still fewer have the high courage , indom itable perseverance and patient industry to accomplish great tilings. Painting in the ordinary way , on satin or china or torra-cotta , Is a very agreeable and relined - lined amusement , but for profit it is hope less. I therefore advise all women who are wishing to increase their small means to abandon all hope of doing so by paint ing , unless their talent is of very excep tional order and they have industry and perseverance to match. Needlework is a very Ui fib rent thing ; a long experience has taught mo that , in the hands of a good worker , needlework can bo and is romunorativo. I have no doubt that this sontunnnt , uttered nn a platform , would evoke loud cries of "No ! no ! " and the "shrieking sisterhood" especially would bo loudly indignant ; but nothing would shaKo my conviction , and 1 should know that their unbelief was the unbelief of Ignorance. The great and indeed thu only bur to success is in the workers themselves : there are so few women who are really accomplished needlewomen , most of thorn have very elementary JdoiiH upon the subject. 1 have lately had to do with a "Indies' work society ; " and I found , with scarcely an exception , that the workers were unpunctual - punctual , unbusinesslike , and very un skillful , They would bring elaborate pieces of work ( not always well done ) for sale at very high prices , and think thorn- solves very hardly usqd if wo did not re ceive it rapturously and fell It at oneo ; whereas if wo wanted anything done to order , or n piece of work finished , it was quito a task to find u worker whom we eould trust. Tun very few workers to bo depended upon always had more work than they could accomplish , and could within certain limits command their own price. Then , again , women , as a rule , are ashamed to let it bo known that they work for mouoy. To employ them as sumes a qnasi-obnritablo aspect quite detrimental to success , which very greatly increases the dilliculty of the posi tion. It oinuot ) > e too strongly insisted upon Uiat honest labor , conscientiously performed is a matter of pride , aud that until till iiiUuby-puuiby ideas to the con trary are swept away It will bo Impossi ble to help women In the' battle of lifo. Another point that has struck mo very forcibly in connection with this matter viz : that women never look beyond the present ; have no idea of learning any thing , unless it be of Immediate no ; never seem to think that stirh and such an experience niny bo of untold value in the future , but fancy that at once they are to earn their living in some ladylike way without much trouble. They forget that there nro thousands of other women similarly placed , all look ing but for the same thing viz. : a oom- fortablo home , good salary nnd nothing to dot I know some girls whoso father , a general officer , died suddenly , leaving only a small provision for his largo fam ily. The llvo daughters , with praise worthy determination , decided that they would earn their own living , that the mother might have suflieiout lor herself and the thrco boys , who were much younger and still to bo placed in life. Alasl the determination went no further. They all thought , "Wo should like to bo a companion to a lady.Vo are not vcrv strong , and we think wo could do that. " Hut they could not advertise. O no too much publicity , as if people could obtain what they want without publicity. The XmiKhty Mttlo Girl. Samuel Jfliiliini Peek. She Is cunnine , she Is tricky , 1 am greatly grieved to toll. And her hands are always sticky With chocolate caiamel ; Her Uolly's battered features Tell of many a frantic hurl ; She's the teriorot her tencheis , That naughty little girl I She dotes upon bananas , And she smears them on my , knees , And she peppers my Havana * , And slm laughs to hear mo sncczo ; And she steals Into my study , Aud she turns mv books au htrl , And her boots are always muddy That naughty Ilttlo gill I When she looks as nho wcro dicamlng Of the angels In the air , I know sho's only scheming How to slyly pull my hair ; Yen why , I can't discover bplto of. every tangled cm } , She's a dulling , and I love her That nauhty little clrl I Train Tip a Girl ami Away She Goes. 1 cannot help but agree , says a writer in the Louisville Courier-Journal , with the dear old lady whom I once heard wanted no woman's rights except the right to bo loved and cherished. Thomas Carlyle said on the subject of female emancipation : ! " 1 have uevor doubted but that the true and noble function of a woman In the world was , and is , and tor- over will be , that of being a wife and helpmate to a woithy man , and dis charging well the duties that devolve on hou in consequence as mother of children and mistress of a household ; duties , high , noble , silently important as any -that can fall to a human creature ; duties which , if well discharged , constitute woman , in a soft , beautiful and almost sacred way , the queen of tlio world , and which , by hoi'.naturtil faculties , gr.aces and strength and weaknesses , are every way indicated as especially hers. " The true destiny of n woman , therefore'is to wed a man whom she can love and esteem , and to lead noiselessly under his protection , with all wisdom and grace and heroism that wcro in horthe lite prescribed in con sequence. When a woman Is married God has given her her work , and except in un usual cases her sphere is at home. Al though I admire the time-worn simile of the oak tree nnd the clinging vine quito as much as the masctilino advocates of the charming helplessness theory , yet I cannot help asking : "What about these vines thai hava no oak trees to cling to , or who have found thu oak in which they trusted turn put a mere reed ? " The.cas'o would bo ihflurent could women always bo cared for and protected by a. stronger hand ; but I have seen thorn after bearing - ing and bunging up children compelled to assume the duties of the husband as well as the wife. So hero comes the point to educate and make self-supporting the daughters : is well as the sons. Tlio question i.s often asked : Can a woman engage in active business life andyot retain thn charm of delicacy which is peculiarly hers ? The really refined and womanly woman will lose nothing of her charm , no matter what her pursuit or its surroundings. It is old and well-worn that " an - story "gen- tlomen make the lest ) soluiecs. " ! > nd it is the woman trained to the greatest development of all her powers , to warn , to comfort , to command , who will Jill every relation in life best , and to this end it is neqes ary for girls to bo not only ac complished , cultivated , attractive , but to DO educated and trained so as to best fit jlioni for whatever life may demand. It is for the general good of girls that they bo taught self support , strength of mind , and independence of character. The yotinc girl herself is the last person coiiniilted. Ambitious , loving parents want their daughters to shine in society and bo the possessors of a few showy accomplish ments n superficial run of things is all that is necessary aud t.iicro come , as wo often see , reverses of fortune , and it is far sharper in their ease than that of uirls brought up dillbiently. It is hard to give up Ihe luxuries and t hi ) sweets of lifoand such a girl is entitled togreat sympathies because her MiUbrnigs are great. Women will bo bettor daughters , wives , and mothers because of their faculties having been developed. Such lives as are led by too many girls are purposeless. I was reading a very sensible iugumont the other day , giving us a reason why so few women Micceed , when obliged to labor , HID fact that they take up almost any pursuit as a makeshift until some thing else ( a possible husband or u rich friend or relative ) renders work "un necessary. Society is to bhlnio for the false idea that it is degrading for a woman to earn her own living. In thoho enlightened days them are moro avenues open to women and they have less to con tend with than formerly. Any occupa tion which make. ! a woman less feminine is bad for hor.Vlulo teaching is dis tinctly foininino , it is often a tension of brain nnd nerves. My heart alwns goes out to a teacher. I know so many noble women workers in that Hold , training minds that will make thu world bettor for having them in it. 1 think a girl ought to know the value of money , to be taught economy , and to learn to sowncully. for , whatever her rank in lifo , it will bo a practical benolit to her. Ilow to Get n Qooil Complexion. A nhysiciuu in thu Medical World gives the following advice to women for thu improvement of their health and com plexion : "For the present I prescribe oi.ly for your feet. First , procure a quantity of woolen stockings , not suoh as you buy at- the store under the name of lamb's wool that you can read a news paper through , but the kind that your AuntJorusha in the country knits for you , that will keep your feet dry and warm , in spite of the wind and weather ; second , if you want to bo thorough , change thorn every morning , hanging the fresh ones by the fire during the night ; thirdprocure thick calfskin boots , double uppers and triple soles , and wear them from October 1 to May 1 ; make frequent applications of eomo good oil blacking ; fourth , avoid rub bers altogether , except a pair of rubber boots , which may bo worn fora littletimo through the enow drifts or a Hood of water ; liftli , hold the bottoms of your feet in cold water a quarter of an inch ( loop just before going to bed two or three minutes , and then rub them hard with rough towels and your naked hands ; sixth , go out freely in all weathers , and , believe mo , not only will your fe.et enjoy a good circulation , but aa the COUHO- quonces of the good circulation in the lower extremities your head will bo relieved - liovod of all iW fulucss and your heart of all its palpitations. Your completion will be greatly improved and .your health made bettor in every respect. " GAGS BOTH GRAVE AND GAY , HalfHonrs Among the Wits and Wags of the Oountrjt A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY. \Vnlt Whitman's Pension Pount The Statistical I/over nml Munchnu- SOII'R Successor Whom the Old Mnlds Co mo In. Ktc. A RcnmrknMo Discovery. llavo you heard ulmt 1ms recently como to r > n s Of petroleum oil nnil oC natural pas , llo\v ihuiiunillta ha\u lenmed alter Infinllo IMilns That both those useful commodities now on tlio market at price * varylne with localities or the wlilina of syndicates. nro composed entirely of organic remains - mains ? ilow thov say that the sollusks of seas of yoio And the reptiles tli.it basked on each rmmo- lo sshoio Died and worn bulled beneath the soil , And thnt , In time , the Intense heat of the carlli , the ( treat prcssiue , and other c.uisus too numerous to mention , turned their f.it Into gas and oil ? Which accounts for the different kinds of flow From the wells , bu It fast or exceedingly slow , , Some yellow , some black , and some lather niiiiky , Depending on whetheryou ; observe the out put nt Petiolli , Caiinda , or In Penn sylvania , otln Egypt , or South Cnio- linn , or at the lately-opened u ells In Turkey. As to which oil Is Ijpstis not easy to state , IJut the savants arc showing loss zeal In de bate , Since , thnuali molluscs ranked first was main- t.ilued OH 11 fact , till Itoccutly , an old lady who has made a study ot the subject , .now says : "ilolluslcs Is Rood , ini'idlosruirus Is good , but , lur a re.il stldily light iur a keioseno laiui ) , give me ptcioducty 1" And how solemn the thought , as you sit by the lamp , You obscrvn tlm remains of a monster whose trnmii Thiough the forests piimcval ic-echocd ; and which . May have been an Icthyosaurus or a me- uathoiliini , or au Icuanadon , or any thing I'No in the big lepllliun line on which you may pitch I 7k.nil it may bo remarked on the subject in I iuul : Thnt there's nothing our scientists won't un derstand 1 Forsclciico may halt , or , at times , may go lame , Did , in the slangy and altogether inexcusable - blo language of the itvenigo frivolous , thoughtless , and joyousyoung man of the pmiod , It "gets there just the sumo I" Jinti'r. Texas Sittings : Don't go toLed with cold leet unless thry ha\o been ) ijkled and tal en imvardiy. Even then the I ( Mlthiest j.1.m is to got n friend to take the picUeu feet inwardly. Don't lie on the loft side too much lie on the right side till yon can , us it pays bolter. Ho a mugwump. Don't . , u up out of bed iminediakly on nwtikumn ; 111 the inmning un'pjsyou aic : \ luniuic. No sane man overjumped out of bed immediately on awakening c\cOt | ) perhaps in a. few isol.jted cases. Don't forjiot to take : i drink of pure water before breakfast. If jr u arc very thirsty durins the night yon can gist up and oinpiy the water pik'lio. ' ; it settles things after the hist niglit'n iU'iincc , to- duccs tl o si/o of the head , nnd. bes ds , makes one appear like ti temperance ad vocates. Don't take long walks on an empty stomach ; if you want to take a htioll on a .stomach at all try and Hint a full one. as it is , softer. Jf you can Cn I tvn empty stom4cliirgo ) ; enough yon can taku .1 ndo upon it. , , Don't start lojdoji day's work without oaling a twod breakfast. Uo btiro to chew up the col'o pioperly. If 301 luvon't cot a coed brbakfa-l don't commence woik till alter Dinner. -Dou't catbotwi'im meals , but. if any body invites you , it is healthier to take a diink. If you getifunjjry have the mauls oftoner. , Don't try to keep up on cofTco when nature is nailing .voji to bed ; coH'uc is an uncomfortable thing to sleep on ; a sao'-c of flour or a quiet conscience would bo better. Don't stai tl over hot-air registers , it is tiresome. Unless the register is hot oiiough to bo iifewl : i ? a branding-iron you might as well sit down on a register and b i comfortable. Don't strain your pyos reading on an empty stomach. If , 1'owover , it is essen tial to your happiness to load on an empty htomach spfcad a eopy of a news paper over the vacant organ and read that. that.Don't Don't nmko a praotlco of relating hcamlal calculated to depress the spirits of the sick ; only toll the kind ot sx-amhil that will rniso.il laugh , ( tot sonic back liles of the Knglish papers containing ac counts of the Lady Campbell tiial. Don't forgot t J cheer nndgontly amuse invalids when visiting them ; tickle tliom under the nose with a leather , danen a jig , sing a comic t > eng , or do something that is light und convivial. If the invalid objects and trios to throw things at you , tie him down in the bed , Don't talk your sick friend to death. It is unsiur to fracture his skull with a paper-weight ; besides , yon Imvd no right to interfere with the prerogative of the doctor. And finally : Don't worry youn > elf about other pee ple's habits to the extent of making an ass of yourself. If you want to make youraeh ridiculous write war articles for the tmigu/.ino. AVixlt Whitman's PoiiBlou I'oein. \\\ifhiuu \ \ < i > n Oiiltc , [ Congressman Covering introduced a bill to allow \V \ alt Whitman a pension of $ i.r a month , and the "good , gray poet" may be supposed to "loaf and invite his Bom" as follows : ] Whoever you aiol Vou are ho or she for whom the earth Isttolldatid liquid : "Solid and lltmld" Is Immense ! Solid with the boys and liquid to every call of the yearning smd ! Vou are he or she for whom the sun and moon hnnp in thosky : Which astronomic , ' fact 1 now make public for the primal I' * * " . For noiio moio t > m w. are the present and For none more than you is Immortality I Yetyouaio not one to coutravuno th eter nal uses of the earth by attempting to ( jot n coiner on the immortality market 1 Each man to himself and each woman to her self U the < > rd of the past and present ana the word of immortality. No ono can nc'iuiie ' for another not one 1 Hut , Layering , you seem , to be willing : to try , ' and by the Mystic Trumpeter I'll stay with you till the Incomprehensible freezes over Or wo tot that twaaty-uye B month , And don't you foueMtl Getting Illd ot ft Statistical Ijover. A youn" Kngllsh statistician , who was paving coin t to.a ypung lady , thought to surprise her with his immense erudition. Producing lus uuto-liook she thought he w s about to indito u love sonnet , but was slightly taken aback by the following question : , , . . . t " "How many meals do you oat a day ? "Why , throe , of course ; but of nil the oddest questions ! " "Never mind'dcsjr ; I'll tell you all nooufc ! t jn a moment. " Ilia pencil was rapidly at work. At last , fondly elaJph'K ' her blender waist : "Now. my darling , I've got it , and if you. wish to know bow much Una passed through that adorable little moutli ot yours In the last Seventeen ycnrs I can glvo yon the exact figure. ' ' ' "Goodness gracious ! Wlint cnn you mean ? " "Now just listen , " says ho , "and you will hear exactly what jou have been ohlignd to absorb to maintain these charms which are to make the happiness of my llfo. " "Hut I don't want to hoar. " "Ah. you nro surprised , no doubt , but statistics are wonderful things. Just listen. You are now so vonteon years old , to that lu fifteen years you have absorbed oxen and calves , 0 ; snoop and lamb. ' , 11 ; chickens , 327 ; ducks , 201 ; goose , IS ; turkeys - keys , 100 ; game of various kinds , 821 ; lishes , lCOcg ; , 324 ; vegetables ( bunches ) , 700 ; frultbaskcts ( ) , 603cheeses ; , 103 ; bread , cake ( In sacks of llowor ) , 40 ; wlno ( bar rels ) , 11 ; water ( gallons ) , 0,000. " At this point the maiden revolted , and , jumping up , exclaimed : "I think you are very impertinent aud disgusting besides , nnil L will not stay to listen toyoul" upon which she Ilow Into thn houso. Ho ga/ed after her with an abstracted gae , and left , saying to himself : "If she kept talking at thatrato twelve hours out of twenty-four , her jaws would in twenty years travel a distance of 1,3.12,121 miles. " The maiden within two months mar ried a well-to-do grocer who was 110 sta tistician. Acquainted AVItli MuncliniiRcn. San Francisco Chronicle : I don't bo- llev'e lyiiig ever reached such absolute perfection as in a man who came on the overland with u friend of mine lately , lie could not bo beaten on any proposi tion They got talking about gold mines nml the California ! ! thought lie know a gooll deal about that subject. Tho"stran ger was a mine owner. "You should'spo my Peruvian mines , " said the traveler. "That's the place where they have gold. 1'vo seen speci mens specimens that ran up into the hundri'ds of thousands. " "Nell"said the Callforulan , J'l have myself a specimen of pure virgin gold. " "My dear boy , I've ' Had a hundred spec imens that boat virgin gold. " "S.iyl" said the California ! ! , "In your travels did you ever hear of a man named Haron MunchaitsonJ" "Oh , ycsN. ilo owns the next claim to mo. " She Spoke One Word. "Snoak but one word , " ho cried , And imully clasped her hand ; "Spualibut one woid , mv love , And i bhall undeistand. "I ask no sweet caress Of lovers whun they part ; I am content to wait , Spe.ik but one word , dear heart. "ilino Is a trusting soul , That rests Its faith on thee ; It sisks no vans of love ; Speak out ono word to me. 4 "Speak I speak I" ho cried , "ami still My heart's wild pit-a-pats " .She looked Into his eyes And softly whispered , "Rats ! " Slinkospoafo Too Much for the Jury Philadelphia Hccord : In a will case before a court and a rustic jury , Jcro Hlack appeared as counsel for the young est of three sisters , who sought to break the will on the ground that the elder two sisters had , with the assistance of his learned brother , the counsel on the other side , cajoled and coerced the dead father during his dying hours into signing a will giving thorn , all his property and leaving his youngest daughter out in the cold. Black , who was yoCTng then , made a great hpucch to the jury , in which "King Lear" veiy naturally appeared. "Gonoril was at that bedside , gen lie- men of the jury , " he exclaimed. 'Htegan wis : there. But whcro was Cordolialf Tno jury remained out for sometime. At last they came in , but the foreman reported that they nould not. agree. All of thorn except ono man was in favor of the youngest sister , but the ono man was not satislied and could not be satisfied about what ho thought was n flaw in the evidence. " \Vhatisit ? " asked the court of the obstinate juror. "Why , your honor , " said the follow , "if Mr. Goncril and Mr. Regan were orcsi'iit , ns that lawyer said , why didn't he put thorn in the witness-boxy" lie Took Her at Her Word. Washington Critic : "What kind of a man is Mr. Brown1" ! inquired a K street girl of an Hbbitt house belle. "Oh , " was the indillbront reply , "ho'll do ; but ho has such queer notions of right and wrong. " "In what way ? I always thought' ho was a man of excellent ideas in that re gard. Please ex-plain , won't you ? " " \Vliy , ho wanted to kiss mo the other evening , and I told him it was wrong for him to do so. " " \VollV" \ said tho" other , inquiringly. "Well , ho believed mo. " ' She Didn't Mkn Such Thin Jokes. "That girl doesn't speak to you ally more , does sheV'1 remarked ono traveling mini to another , as they passed u very pretty young woman on State street. "No. She hasn't since last fall. " "What's the trouble ? " ' I don't know exactly. You sco wo wore out watching the bears in Lincoln park , and she noticed that there wore two poles in one of the pits and asked mo why they had more than ono. " "And what did you say ? " "Why , I told her that it was probably to give the bears an occasional 'change of climb it. ' She has never spoken tome mo .since. " Nothing to Wenr. A lady Inst Spiiuji went abroad for her health As well as lor pleasure and fun ; Iho Durbunhlchshocairlcd was laden with wealth , Lint her garments wore mostly homespun ; So she visited Paris nud hhopoed every day , lluylni ; du/.on of dresses while there ; Hut now , when she's asked to a ball she will sav , "Oh , dear , I have nothing to wear. " I went to a ball a few evenings ace , And sat Ip the midst of a crowd , This lady , arrayed in the fashion I know lint 1 must say , my head with shame bowed , Shi ) seemed very proud as she stood on the lloor , Never minding men's insolent stare ; She had spoken the truth almost nothing hho wore , You see , she had nothing to wear. You Onn't Fool a I'eoria Transcript : 'ho palmistry craze has reached Washington.Vti un derstand that the member from the Tenth Illinois district was prevailed on to call on a professor to liavo his fortune told , "Let mo see your hand , " bald the pro fessor , "and I will toll you whether you am to bo a rich or a poor man. " "Not much , " roplled Mr. Worthlngton. "I can do that trick myself. All I want to know is what is in the other fellow's hand.- And Mr.V. . walked away , muttering attho man who was trying to play him for a chump. Thn Detroit Millionaire. Detroit Free 1'rosa : A small boy with his boot-box in hand stood looking at tentively up Gnswold street yesterday wlwn lie was asked : "What are you looking after sonny ? " "That millionaire m the koeridge. " "What's the matter with him ? " "Ho got out hero and asked mo to hold his hoas. When he wont away he didn't ofl'er mo no ten cents.1 ' "Perhaps ho forgot it. " "That's what I'm puzzling over whether he's absent-minded aud will send mo a check through tno mail in a day or two. or whether ho took mo for another millionaire aud didn't want to hnrt my fooling * by offering mo any money. It's vmrty hard to understand these high-up fcliom , and the next ono I get on to has got to pay cash down. " Surprlnlntr Ignorances "Younsman , " ho said in solemn tones , "don't you know that if you persist in drinking you will never gr > t ahead in this world ! ' "Won't cotahcad"icppatcdtlioyoung man. "Why , my dear sir , your igno- rauco surprises mo. I'll liavo a head on mo to-morrow morning as big ns a bar rel. " \Vhok-o the Old Mnltls Porno In. "Do yon know , sir , " inquired an Amor- lean tourist of his companion while doing England , "tho reason for the fresh , healthful appearance of the Kngllsh jico- plo ? Their complexion Is far superior to ours , or our countrymen over the her ring pond. " ' Well , 1 know what Professor 'U.\loy 'And what reason docs ho advance ? " " \ \ ell'Uxloy says it is all u'owlng to the h'old maids. " "Owing to old maids ! You surprise mo ! " "Fact. 'Uxloy liguros it out in this way. Now you know the IPingllsh are very fond of roast beef ? " "But what has that to do with old mauls ? " "Go slow. The genuine U'mglish beef is the best and most nutritious beef in the world , and it h'imparta u beautiful com plexion 1" ' "Wvll , about the old maids ? " "Yes ; you sco the h'oxcollonco of this ll'lngllsh beef is duo h'oxcluslvcly to red clover. Do you sco the point ? " "All but the old maids. They are not in sight as far as I can see , " replied the American with a sigh. "Why , don't you see ? This red clover is h'unrichcd , swcutcucdandfructillcd by bumblo-bcos. " "But where do the old maids como in ? " said the inquisitive American , wiping his brow wcarijy. "Why , it is as plain as the nose on your face. The If only If enemy of the bumblebee ble-bee is the Hold mouse , which h'under- mines and robs their nest. " "But what have roast beef , red clover , bumble-bees , and field mlco got to do with old maids ? " "Why , you must bo very li'obtuso. Don't you perceive thaflho bumble bees would soon _ h'cxterminated by the field mice if It were not for " "Old maids ! " "No , if it were not for cats : and the If old maids of h'old IPingland keep the country thoroughly stocked UD with cats , aud so wo can directly trace the h'oU'ects of the rosy li'inglish complexions to the benign cause of li'iuglish h'old maids ; at least , that's what 'Uxley says , and that's just where the h'old maids como h'in. Science makes clear many mysterious things , my H'american friend. " Some Iiittlo Ones. A St. Louis syndicate lias purchased an immense tract of land in Mexico , and it is rumored that the lirst slop will bo to build a wall around it high enough to keep Jay Gould out. It may be that a man cnn love but ono woman in a lifetime , but if lie doesn't get married too early ho can have lots of fuu trying to find out which woman it is tnat ho can lovo. A lady had some goods sent hotile. marked O. O. D. A little nino-year-old girl exclaimi'd : "I know what C. O D. means : Call on dad. " Which was sin gularly near the mark. "And who was present when you wore assaulted by the prisoucrinqnirod Judge Powers ot the complainant. "Who was prismt during the assault , is it ? Well , then , bedad , your houor , 1 was prisint mesilf. " _ A BAD CHURCH MOUSE. He Itnu Up Brother J.ickniati's Trousers Oui'lnir Mcetlner. Now \ork Star : A churcJi mouse , al though proverbially poor , has never had its character for mcoKiicss questioned. It has never been oven Hinted that there were nny unrighteous frivolities about him. Ho has been pitied for his poverty , facetiously alluded to as having a brave nupotito , and some have oven spoken in contempt of his judgment in hanging around a church anyway. But the mouse has borne it alj in silence. During services , when the congrega tion slept and the good minister went on in tliq even tenor of his sermon , the church mouse has como out and made friendly calls at the pows down the main aisle , as if looking for charity from the well-fed people. Nobody over supposed that this lonely mouse would bo so vicious as to break up a Methodist prayer meet Ing. Thcso meetings are usually noted for their spirited charges upon the ilovil and his hosts , and the IIO'IM ) of this en gagement is generally more than a poor church mouse can conscientiously taco. But the White Plains mouse in thn Methodist church there was not that kind of a mouso. When Brother Platt was praying in E. sharp , and Brothers Homer and Co\- and Jackman were encouraging him by frequent exclamations of approval away down in G. Hat , the mouse came out to sco what was going on. What ho .saw and heard no doubt alleclod his noivcK , and caused him to lose his head and his reckoning. As the battle went on the mouse con cluded that ho must got under cover. Taking the correct bearings for Brother .Jack-man's right trousers leu. which gaped a welcome , the poor church mouse ran in. n was ft fearful mistake , for i | cost him his llfo , frightened llrothoi Jftckman so badly thnt ho imagined the old enemy had him , and temporarily broke up Mr. Plntt's supplication. When the niouao had turned the bend of Brother Jackman's knee , ho exclaimed - claimed , "Oh , Lordl" m such n peculiar tone that it arrested the proceedings for aminuto. When ho supplemented thi.i exclamation with the earthly remark , "Ouohl"andthen"Oh. Hoavenl" thcro \rns not a faint suspicion that Brother Junkman was not giving his undivided attention to the remarks which Brother Platt was uttering. When the oycs of the astonished brothers and sislors worn riveted upon Brother Jnckmnn they be hold an excited young man standing be fore thorn in a stooping condition , hold * ing on to some real or imaginary sub stance , they were not certain which , on the Inside of his trousers leg jnsl above his k-uco. His face grow livid , and hU breathing was quick and hard. Ills eyes were standing out like these of a snail , and altogether ho seemed perturbed. These of the more thoughtful and o\ porlenccd brothers , who had seen llio athletic exercises introduced by the "Brooklyn boys. " vaguely suggested to themselves that this might bo a rehearsal , but when Brother Jackmim straightened up his manly form and shook his log llko a tidy cat when she gets her dainty foot wet , and the poor church mouse dropped out of the trouscr's leg limp and flabby on the Axnunster carpet , the sisters - tors shrieked and the more mature brothers remarked : "Well , I swoitw. " The poor little church mouse was dead. There was no heart in the service after this awful discovery , and when Brother I'latt had cut out a good section of his prayer and Brother Lull pronounced the benediction prayer meeting dissolved. And the poor little dead mouse was thrown out into the cold , cruel snow. Imhor Wast oil. "I notice , " said a lady to a reporter for the Philadelphia Call , "that some fool man has invented a collapsing hat for ladies to wear to public entertain ments. Ho might have saved himself lus pains. Women wear high hats sim ply because they arc the fashion. Beauty or ugliness , comfort or convenience liavo nothing to do with the question. The collapsing hut is not fashionable and that settles it. I don't know whcro our fash ions como from or who sots them , but I know wo don't. American women have nothing to do but blindly follow , and I tell you now in all seriousness , thnt all the talk m newspapers and the indigna tion of the public have not done n particle of good. Ihe high hats will go when the fashion changes tindjioi a Any before. " An Ape TnttRht to Wfilt on the Tnblo. Court Journal : General Lloronto. a planter in Florida , has trained a chim panzee to wait at a tablo.utul reports that his ape does the work of four negroes. Ho wenr.s a livery , carries his napkin under his arm and would bo perfect but for a tendency to take toll of the sweotH and " nuts. M. Mennier assures us that in many cases apes have boon successfully trained for household work. INFLAMMATOnY RHEUMATISM. - - - - - , ) 'fotir ttalemcnts confirming the rjfl&icy nf bt , Jacobs Oil and iti ntrnatient curej , a > e giv&i Mow. rromnIlhcumtIuSuircrcr-18SO-Curca. Iliuiibnrp , Jterks Co , Pcnna. I finfTiTcd from wovero liilliiiiinmtnry rlicinuittliin furnbotiH weeks ; plijtlclam KIIVU mo nn relief. 1 Mas confined lu tlio home , limbs > cry much swollen , and hud tn crawl up mid Uo n slain. AHcr ft few applications the pnlu as gone , aud n. fuvr moro entirely cured rnc , UOI VND T.LEONARD. From Same 0 Years Laler-Pcrmancntly Cured , llnmbiirgTlerks Co , I'o . Oct. 10 , MSB. Abutitsl.x jo.ira KO I took sick with In- Jinmmntory rlioiiniall.sm nnd by nt > lue n funr hollies om.Jucoli * Oil J \ \ -ullrcly cinud. 1 clifoifiillydiiiillcnlojiiy tcstlmo. ny to tn Bruiid , irioatiinil teed cnecta o ( thu Oil. JtOLANJJ T. L1IONAK1) ) . From a Deputy Shcrltl-Juno , 1001-Curod. AttlcborouBh , Mars , Lnat May I VR laid tip with iiciilu rhoil- mntUmimil confined to hod. Iia told to try M. Jacobs Oil. I Uld to and next day w oa H ell m ever. 1SLIJAII aVPRON , Deputy Sheriff. from Same 5 Years Later-Pormanontly Cured. AtllotoroiiKli , Mnn , Nov. ID , 18R6. Ibauuto\ura attock of nc-ulo rntuiua- tlsniho J could nottnLon slcpj Mas con- lined to hc-d. l trli'du\orythliif ( to uo pur- pee nnd ntlnst tried Pt. Jiieolw Oil. It cured uo ouUrcly nud I chtorftitly rtcom- inciid It. ELIJAH CAl-nON.Dcputy Bhcrlff. TJin CIIAHLES AVOQEI.EnCO..I3tlUmoroMi. * An prrt/mi USINQ St. Jatobs Ott or Ked Stir Ominh Cure , til by snultng n two tent etaniji and a hLlvrv Of ttulr case , recent > LL > VJCK nteis. VKED XKO2I OPIATES AKDrOlSO . SAFE. SURE. Cts. PROMPT. AT UliUOmSTS 4I4D . mi uunmt A.noogmu eo iiAMiBong.gn. A. II. COMSTOCK , Q-enl. Insurance Agent And Real Kstiito lirokor , Itonin lOCit'ljflitou Illock , Oinnliii. liiRnrnnrns written in isllublo companies Indopondimtol boiinl ra'.os. GROCERIES DOWN AGAIN ! Armour's 'Brmidod" Hums Ho toyul tliiUliifr 1'ouilor. Id o/ . cans , . . . . . . . 4-ra Armour's Unbrnndcil Hams ISc i flixrs lliibblt's Host Soup . (1 ( K ) Ariuom's I'iciilo Ilium lOc IB Lbs. GrHiiulnttxl Biijfitr . J Armour's KlioiililoiH , suirnrnurcd . BJio fi Cniii Idliby's'J-lli Cxi mod llcof . . . J Armour's llonolow llraakfust Jlacon , fiolOcn Syrup , per hoit 1 M "branded" . llc.r 1'no ' ' 100 KlnL-sfonl's ( S-lli. IIoios Gloss Hlurch . ' ) ( ) Call nt our Btnro and KOI ono of our dollar prlco tins. Orders \ > T postal curd delivered free , nd collected tor at houso. WARHEN F. BKOWN , N. E. Corner SI. Mary's Avo. and 10th St. , Omaha MARHOFF Makes and Sells These Goods. Millard Hotel BlockOmaha. , HOW TO ACQUIRE WEALTH , NO in.ANicst ma I'ur/.iisi KVKUV YLMU OVKB A MILLION UISTUIIIUTBO MOItK THAN ONK DHAWINO KVUKV MONTH , TWO lUtAWINtiH IN 1'KltltltlJAKV , Till ? 1ST AND 20TJI. Only 12.00 required to ( .ecure one Uoyal Italian 100 francs gold bond. These bond participate in 225 drawings , four drawings every jear ard retain their original valu until the year 1014. Prues of 2,00'J.OOO l.OOO.O1) ) ' ) , 600,003 &c , francs will be drawn , bo bides the certainty of receiving back 100 franc * in gold , you may win 4 times every year and so come into possession of a fortune. \Vitlil ) TonDollura us llrst paymuiit you cnn KOOIIIO I'l 30) ) Austrlnu goyornmout bonds Mlth8 per cunt In torett , and U viuUius Kurommn guviTiiuiuul boa ; ! * , wUlcli ppj 4rawn 81 time * unnuafly wltli iirizeanmoiintlnKlo over I'l ,0 > l,00l , Iml moo cm ca r monthly ttiVHllmenU. Bate Investment of capital as tliu fnvostoU money imint lie pnM Imck mid mitiiy clmucoa to win K blir prize. Money can liosont by ro islorcd letter , nionuy order or Ijy express , uud In return w * wal orwaidtiie document * . Fur further Information , cull on or uddrrss. ItKKLI.UAMII.V < ; CO. , ; i < > 3 Hromlwuy , Xtnv York , K. U. TheSe bonda'ar * not lottery ticket * , uud thu ante U loyally purinlltud. ( Ily law 011973) .