10 OMAHA DAILY BEE * . SUNDAlK OCTOBER It 188ft. TWELVE PAGES.
AMONG THE \YITS \ AND WAGS ,
Varied and Vigorous Assaults on the Hum *
buggery of the Worldi ,
AH EPITAPH ON WIGGINS ,
A 1'ngcant oD'arntfi-nphion SKIppliu
CnNhlcr * , Mfo In Colleges , Crunoo
as n Hustler , Slang nnil FiiHt
Ufo In Dnkoln.
I2p ! nph on
IMiii JVv < n X&rciMiah fi'eic * .
ills nnmn Is Wlpdns , as It tiiyinei wit )
SprlfKlns , nnil tlm Milesian Hi ilii ! ) and
ouch like fry ;
llocoitld beat an Offccchcw ntecer In scicntl-
lie llgsei In' on thu social stains of a quad
rilateral lie.
In solar jclnifo he could bid defiance to SI
Ihliuphiey Davy orduy hussna ;
Ho could form conjunctions or other , func
tions. without compunction , with Man
and Vends , tlmt would bent Medina's
and other phmeU lu the solar track.
Ills slock commercial was Hind ami Hers
cliel , Humboltlt , Straho , Ktiplar. Marius ,
Aslioloxv , Hloloicy , DunioiioloBy , Cyvlontu
logy , and the nebula in Sagittarius.
With well planned fictions nun shrewd res
Motions ho'd make piettlctions of wltul
nnil weather ;
Jlut all his guesslm ? turne-d out distressing ,
and as disttosslns as a niueli-so'ikcc
feather.
Now. heat telluric and K S sulphuric , nml
throes iiMtrie rend earth and rock ,
So , WIcKlns trying his pioiilirsylnp , hi !
long loiujuu fylnL'.betswniiion crying am :
men Hying to avoid the shock.
JJutthla seismologist , this IVrklnltroloKlfil
has now no apologist for his fool is !
prank.
Ills ccjreirlmis liliuulerls a nine days \\oinlor ,
Ho may K" to thunder , the Canadlai
cisuik.
A YOIIIIK Klimnoler.
Hubert Ainsloy iu the Kamblcr : He
witti a youth , although not very old. One
day his father brought home a litllo bank
to keep his savings in.
"Now , Willie , " he said , "we'll start a
bank. "
" 1 choose to bo cashier , " interrupted
the boy.
"Very well , you can be the cashier , and
I will bo the board of directors. Thou
yon and your twosisters and your mothpi
and I will sill be depositors. Now I will
put these live new nickels in lo start
with , What will you doV"
"I'll put in my seven pennies and n
two-cent piece , " lie responded.
His mother dropped in a couple ol
dimes , and each of his sisters a nickel ,
During the next two weeks numerous
deposits were made ami all ran smoothly.
Then one morning pater fsuuilias found
himself short of change , and abstracted
n dime from the bank for car faro. But
the eagle eye of the young cashier do-
tooled Ihe shortage , and he promptly
took what was loll.
The next morning , the young financier's
father , wishing to instill a Jilllo more
business knowledge into his head , said :
"Now , Willie , suppose one of Iho do-
posllors wished to draw out some money ;
what would you do ? "
"The boy simply pointed to the bsink ,
on which wsis tho'following placard :
PAYMENT
SUSPKN'DKI ) .
"Why , Willie , what does this meant"
Inquired the father.
"Directors overdrew their accounts , so
the cashier skipped out with the rest , "
was the loconic response.
"You don't mean that yon have taken
the money that was in there , do you ? " in
a tone of painful surprise.
"Yes. "
"lint don't you know that that is not
honestV"
"Huh ! " exclaimed Iho boy scornfujly ,
"dlel you ever hour of a cashier lolliiifj
the directors get ahead of him ? Well , I
guess not. Yon boti know n little busi
ness. When the elircclors begin fooling
with the finances the cashier 'guts' the
bank every time. "
"My boy , " said the father admiringly ,
"some day you will bo a great financier ;
but lirst you have a few things to learn.
Never wait for the depositors to prose
cutes. Now conio with mo to the wood
shed. "
"Father , " replied the youth , persuas
ively , "cant wo compromise this matter
in some wsiy ? If you won't prosecute I'll
sec thai thq bank resumes payment , and
won't say anything about the directors
drawing out moniiy on the sly , "
It was compromised on that basis.
The Pnruurniilier.
O , this funny paragraphing.
This favctlousuess and dialling.
Filling puL'es nil for wages to tiremso a dis
mal humh ;
Getting bilious and rheumatic
From exposure In an attic.
Always busted , dunned , and trnslcil , write It
on my epitaph
J'Hcro a moldy wit Is lying , "
Which the callous critic eyelnir
Asks , "Will over end In never--why the
the dulftir's sit It yet J
And he's llekling the hereafter
With demoniacal laiiuhtcr
In contrasllng ove'rlnsilng with Ids earthly ,
brief legrot. "
Now Tor the Truth.
Free Press : "Say , Jim. " ho began , as
they shook hands , "how do yon stand on
this Gettysburg dispute ? "
"Well , I've favored Sickles all along. "
"So have I. Now see hero. Right hereon
on this paper is Gettysburg. "
"Yos >
"Along this road is where Hancock
came up. "
"i "
seo.
"Howard came up by this road , "
"Ho did. "
"Sedgwick and his sixth corps traveled
right along hero , nnd swung into action
over there on the second day. "
"You just hot they did ! "
"Lot's see ? Sykcs must have como up
by this road. "
"Yea , I'm ' certain of it. "
"Now , then , Jim , where wore you ? "
"Well , our sutler wagon was way oil
horo. say about twelve miles , Wlicro'wore
yon ? "
"I was with the \vacron train off this
way , aoout seven miles. Say , we've got
this thing down to a dot , and wo ought
to write a letter to some newspaper. "
' "Xnctly Jim , and we can't do it too
eoon. It's loft to us to straighten out
this tangle , anil wo are the men to do it. "
The Oolle o.
The Rambler : "Whore is the college
building , John ? " asked an old man who
was visiting his son in one of the college
towns.
"Right over there , father , " replied the
youth , pointing to a large stone building ,
' Handsome building , isn't it ? "
"Very. Would you mind taking mo
over ? I'd like to look insido. "
"Certainly not. 1 guess some of the
boys ate at work there now. Como right
along , anil I'll show you Bill Jones , our
champion oarsman. "
The old man wandered about the
building for a while , and then said :
"This doesn't seem to me much like a
college , John ; it seems more like a gym
nasium. Is this all there is to it ? "
"Well , this is the principal building ,
Of course , we have a few other minor
onus. "
"Haven't you any recitation and loo-
uro rooms ? 1 want to sun those , "
"Urn ah yes , I believe there are
eomo sotnenvhoro. If you wanto \ see
those I'll ask some one lo show iu the
way. I thought you wanted t'o see the
college itself. '
_
Hlang.
Cif ? * ( r Ketcn.
He bought and sold anil swindled
In oil and railroad storks ;
llnil Him Im lived retired with
Ills " | K > ckuls full of rocks , "
While others not so fortunate ,
With margins blotted out ,
In common slam ; "went under , "
Or else went "tip tlio spout. "
You dpsleiiato n nmii "a brick , '
Tin-re's nothing wrong In that ;
But 'tis mi compliment to say
"Tho brick Is In Ids hat. "
'TIs very coiiiniimplaco to aay
A certain oin1 was tlnnsht'd ;
While thousands feel a sweet delight
In being badly "inaslied. "
A plilrmy fellow's "up to snuff , "
Another's a "dead beat. "
While still another dudlsh "swell"
Comes airing do\Vu the slice t.
You rate a certain friend "a irtlinp , "
A unthcr's called "n here , "
Another one has lots of "tin , "
Another's "half seas o'er. "
One asks hU rhum to "shoot th.it lint , ' *
Or else "pull down your vest : "
"J'wo ' followed "Hat "
sharps1' are by a ,
1 on say "give us n rest. "
Death sends Ids victim "tm the tluine , "
lljs watch Is "up tlio spout , "
While some vile urchin asks you If
"lour mother knows you're out' . " '
Crusoe Wns ix Hustler from MVny
Unck.
Chicago Journal : 1 stolled into the
newsboys' homo one day while the boys
were undergoing an examination in the
scriptures : The teacher asked :
"Who was the wisest man that ever
lived ? "
Fifty hands shot up. The teacher ,
pointing to the bright eyed youth , said :
"Well Jimmio , who was lie ? "
"Solomon , of course , " was the reply.
Before the teacher had time to confirm
Ids statement , the "kid" alongside of
Jimmio shouted :
"No ho wasn't , neither. "
"Well , who was he Pete , " asked the
teacher.
"Kobinson Crusoe1 answered Pete.
"How do you make that out ? " asked
the teacher.
"Well , " responded Jimmio , "Crusoe
wua hustler from 'way back , ho wux ; a
daisy ot a hustler , too. He hustled when
he had nothin' to hustle whl. Solomon
was only si Mormon , anyhow. "
Gnttlnt ; Alonj Kast In Dakota.
They get along fast in Dakota , suid to
prove it a story is told of a recently-
elected judge. Ho had boon a sort of
free lance in his profession , sun ) had in
curred the enmity ot si certain lawyer.
This lawyear came be-fore the jud < .ro"tho
other day with an ordimiry motion which
should have been granted in duo course
of law. tint it wasn't. "Motion denied , "
yelled the judge. "But , your honor "
"Motion denied , I say. " "Your honor ,
one word , if you plcsise. " "Not a word. "
"Your honor seems to have a prejudice
agsiin.sl mo. " "You're d d right , I
have1 said the judge. "I've been laying
for your for the past three years , and you
don't ' got any motions in this court. "
Needed an Kurth < | unke.
Texas Siftings : "An earthquake would
improve this pie , " said a crabbed pas
senger at the rstilroad lunch-counter , as
ho tried to bite into it and tailed.
"In wh.it way ? " asked the bland pro
prietor , too much accustomed to criticism
to mind it now.
"It might establish a readjustment of
the crust , " was the reply.
Six Months Without KatliiR.
St. Paul Herald : " 1 notice by the
papers lately , " said Dr. Black to Sprig-
gins , "that Miss houisa Csish fasted for
throe months in Tennessee. What elo
you think of that ? "
"That's nothing , " replied Spriggins.
"Do you remember old Sam lluidock-
oper , who used to "live'out West Seventh
street ? " >
"Yes. Well , what bf him ? "
"Why , ho has gone six months without
oating. "
"Impossible ! You don't really moan
it ? How on earth did lie do the thing *
"Why , ho died last spring and hasn't
eaten anything since. "
A Hot Kvcntii .
"Ssiy , Carton , who is that "awfully
homely trirl at the end of the piano ? "
"That ? that's my cousin. " "No , no !
Carton ; I mean at the other end of the
piano. " "Oh ! that's my sister. " "No !
1 know that was your sister there ; but 1
mean the frowsy old thing back of her. "
"Ah ! back of her ? directly back ? ivory
fan ? white feathers in her hair ? " "Yes ,
that one. " "Looking this way now ? "
"Yes , you tumble ! that's the one ! "
"That's my mother. " "Don't it strike
you it's awful hot hero this evening , Mr.
Carton ? "
Tlio Time.
llnstiin Courier.
When politics are getting hot
And rife are campaign lies ,
Concerning plot and counterplot ,
Or most gigantic size ,
Hie papers sell IIUo hot cakes then
And all far-seeing business men
Kesolvo to advertise.
Sly Girl.
New York Sun : "Charley , what is a
chestnut bell ? " said his girl.
"Oh ! it's a boll that rings when any one
tells an old story. "
"Well , they couldn't call mo a chest
nut hello ; 1 have no ring. "
It succeeded , ami they are to be mar
ried when Charley has his salary raised.
Tlio Great Man's Autograph.
The le-cturo done they crowded round
To take him by the hand
The man whose eloquential words
Had sounded Ihrough Urn hind ,
When , imdisnuiytHi by mini or place ,
Came up a boy with daiinc face ,
Wlio held within his dirty hand
A dwindling poneil's half ,
"Mister , " ho said , "I wish you'd please
Cimme your autograph. "
" 1 will , " the great man kindly said ,
And Ik'htly touched the urchin's lieud.
Then wrotu a wild chirograph/ ,
And mused that tins was tame ,
When little lads from elf the street
Desire Ids written name.
"What will you. " asked ho with a laugh ,
"Uy child , do with my autography"
The coming voter viewed the man
With something like surprise ,
And aiiswuie.l with a business look
About his sharp young eyes ,
"Why , sir , I sells Vm , don't you see ;
I gits ten cents for yourn I" sold ho.
Mttlo HUB of AVit.
The now Fall bonnets they say will bo
V shaped. The bills will bo XX shaped ,
Did you ever see a man with a diamond
mend collar button who dltl not think
the neckties wore going out of fashion ?
Johnson ssiys it is mighty hard to bo a
Christian when a man has a boy who
will ring a che'Slnutbell on him at family
prayers , when it is impossible to resent
A poor man * with a large family of
daughters will find Washington a cheap
place to reside. After they got intro
duced into good society they will not re
quire any clothes to speak of.
"I see that they advertise 'a large and
full orchestra.1 I wonder who that fat
girl is on the right. " "That's one of the
largo chorus. " "And the cornet player
there seems to bo the worst for liquor. "
"He's no doubt one of the full orches
tra "
"Do you preach from notes ? " asked
Iho deacon of an up-town church during
( ho examination of an applicant for that
pulpit. "Well , no not exactly , " hesi
tated tha applicant ; " 1 preach for notes-
bank notes.1' He was summurily ex-
pungeel.
RAIL YARNS RUNNING4WD
A B , & M , Spotter Treated tojlbh Daj
in a Snow Pile-
A TRAIN DISPATCHER'S STORV
llCHponslblo Positions In tlio Sorvlc
Itnllroatl Alon Wli Stuily
The Only PHPH llcfunnl
on Hccoril.
JIow a Spotter Wan Trcateel.
Chicago Herald : "Tho weathc
getting n bit cold reminds 111
of a story I hoard out west th
other tiny , " said a drummor. "For
long tinio the conductors , both passer
gcr nnd freight , running botwcuu Omali
and Lincoln , Neb. , have been bothered b
spoilers. A favorite method with th
sottcrs | was to climb aboard a froigli
train on a cold , stormy night and bug t
bo carried frets to a certain station.tollin
talus of html luck , sickness and so out
lilay on the conductor's sympathies. C
course , If a conductor happened to b
kind enough to do the man a favor h
was promptly reported and boiineetl
The boys had so much troubluin tins wa ,
that they swore vongoauco , and one col
night lust winter when a spotter , dis
guiscd as a tramp , got aboard a freigh
train at Ashland and bogged for a ride I
riaUsinoutli , Uii ! conductor told him li
might ride. So the tramp snuggled tlowi
into a sent near thu steve in tli
caboose wlulo the conductor and hi
brakemen were putting their Heads together
gother , concocting a scheme for rovongi !
Down between Oreapolisantll'lattsmoutl
where there are some very deep guiclie
by the side of the track , the conducto
gave the tramp a lively punch in ( lie rib
ami told him that he would have to go it ]
on top of the ears for thu rest of his 'jour
noy , as he would get the conductor Inti
trouble by remaining in the csiboos
when Hit train entered IMall.smouth. Tin
tramp had no sooner climbed to the to ]
of the cars than the conductor anil In
men sei/od him anil threw him from tin
train , Hinging him into a gulch ahou
thirty loot dei ! ] > . In Uuitrnlcli wasabom
lil'tccn feet of snow , and the unfortunati
man was buried out of sight , but not hurt
Thu train men know the fellow wonliln'
be injured , tind they supposed that In
would in some way manage to climb on
of thu gulch and walk to shelter
Imagine their surprise on rcturnins
next day to see the spotter still in there
securely imprisoned by the great wall :
of snow rising on all sides of him , am
through which , he had vainly attemptei
to force his way. The train boys throw
him a couple of old blai'Kcts and tin
remnants of their lunches , but the ;
didn't hell ) him out. In fact , as thu slot ;
was told me by a reliable man who wa :
then running a freight train there , tin
luckless spotter was Kept in that prisui
for ten days , feeding all that time on tin
scraps of lunches thrown him by tin
train men as they whizzed by , howlin ;
mill ilancing with delight. At the end o
the tun days the fellow narrowly escapet
drowning in a sudden thaw , ami oamt
out of the siege weighing about lil'li
pounds Jess than when he involuntarily
began it. I'll wager that he never agaii
lured out as a railroad spotter. "
A Trniu l > ! spiit < : hor'B Story.
Detroit Free Tress : Several years ag <
I was employed as train dispatcher on :
Southwestern American railroad. A :
visual there were tlirec of us in the oflice
I had what is called the "second trick , '
my hours of duty being from 4 p. in. t <
112 p. in. The third man , Charlie Hums
ivho came on at midnight and workct
till b a. in. , was a particular friend o
mine , lie was a young man of high char
icier , a line dispatcher , and very popu
[ sir ; and when , during the burning day ;
if July , it become known among tin
men thai he was confined to his room ly
; i Hovoro attack of malignant fever , mauj
were the expressions of regret and 01
liopo for iiis speedy recovery.
IJiiring the trying days ot Charlie's ill
ness 1 spent all the time I could spare \ > \
his side , but on account ol his absence
trom the ollieo it was necessary for tin
remaining two of us to "double up"
that is , work twelve hours each , my watcl
liuintr from 8 p in. to 8 a , in.
1 cuiiic on duty one evening fcelinp
vary bad. The weather was so warm J
[ . otild not sleep well in the daytime ; betides -
tides , 1 had spent a considerable part ol
the day with Charlie , whoso illness hail
now reached n critical stage and scemetl
to show little prospect of "improvement ,
He nco , as you may imagine. 1 was mil
it sill pleased to lind that 1 was likely tc
tmvo a busy night of it. A wreck on the
road duriiiE the day hail thrown sill the
regular trains oil' time , and besides the
usual number ot special freights there
nras a special psissonicer tram to leave
Linwood , the eastern terminus of our
li vision at 11 p. in. , with a large party
: > f excursionists returning from si picnic.
Ivor several hours I had my hands full ,
1'hero was a special train of live stock
> ound east which had to bo kept moving ,
jut was being delayed by hot journals ;
lovorthelcss I hoped to get them intel
l inwood before ) the excursion train
itartcd west. .
As usually happens in such csises , the
ixciir.sioii-trnin diflnotgct ready to leave
m time , and it was 11 MO p. m when they
eported for orders at Linwood. I lixed
ip their orders , got the report of their
Icparturo from Linwood at 11:45 : and
iiucrcd it on the train-sheet. Then , bay-
ng for the first time that night a few
iiiuntes' breathing time , 1 rosn from llm
able and went over and seated myself
jy the window , where it was cooler than
nulcr the heated gas-jots over the table.
L was alonu in the ollieo , and * ts I sat
hero enjoying the cool breeze which
same in throtich the open window a
leighborin" church clock/aiig out thn
lour of It ! , From force of habit I ghmced
it the door , almost expecting to hoar
Charlie's light lonUlop on thu stair and
; i'o the door upon to admit him as of old.
"Poor follow , " 1 thought , "it will bo a
eng time before ho enters that door
igain , if ho over docs. " Just at the last
ilroko of 12 , and while my iiyes were
itlll lixed on the door , it opened and
Jharloy Hums entered. My astonish-
uunt may be imagined better than 1 can
leseribo it. MY lirst thought waa that in
he delirium of fear he had escaped from
lis nurses and made ids way to the of-
ice , but when I left him a few hours bo-
'ore 1 could not have believed that ho
uid strength to get out of bed. I sat and
vntchcd him in speechless surprise ,
vhich was increased by his strange
nanncr.
Instead of his usual hearty greeting ho
ook no notice of mo at till , but waited
liri'Ctly to the taolo and sat down
'lacing bin hand upon the key ho began
! : illinu | "Q , " which wsis the signal for
Mm drove , thn lirst station , six mile *
vest of Linwood. "I , 1 , Q , " came the
espouse. "Put out signal for tipcchil
> assenger west and copy. " "Ho , " "Ho , "
'Ds , " rang out the sounder , with Char
io's nimble lingers upon the key , "Ho , "
yas the call for Hoscdalo , the second t > ta-
ion from Linwood , eight miles west of
SlmOrovc. " 1,1 , , Ho/1 came back the
inswer ,
"la special east coming ? Ds. "
Then us I sat by the window as one
arnlyzcd the nwful truth llafehed Across
uy mind. I had overlooked the stock
rnin , thundering eastward twenty miles
.n' hour , nnd in ado no provision .for its
aerating the excursion train. My blood
socmcd turned to ice as I hoard the r <
ply :
' They nro nt the switch. Ho. "
Another ininuto nnd it would have bee
too late ,
Still apparently oblivious of my prc :
enco Charlie reached for the order-boo
with Ids left'hand , while his right contii
ucd to manipulate the key ami I hoar
the flounder click :
"Out signal and copy Da.
"Order No. 731.
"ToC. andK Kng. Sillo.
O. and B. Kng. 11) ) O. :
"Special east one. 31 will take sidin
and moot special west dig. 10 at Host
dale. " 12 J.V. . M. "
Quick as a flash came back the respons
from each station and in less time than i
take" mo to write it the order had bee
repeated and signed by the condnctn
and engineer of cac.1i train , while Charli
copied it. into the ) 'order book and re
turned his "O. tf. "
Then , sis I realized that I was saved an
a gresit tlisa < .ter-nvctted , the revulsion n
feeling wsis too much forinyovcratrainc
nerves and I lost cohsniousnoss.
All hour afterward 1 was awakened b ,
a familiar noicc and * looked up to liil
Frank Dwyer , dito of our conductors
who had volunteered to watch wit
Charlie , standing over mo. "Wako uji
old man , ' ' said he11 ! have bud news fo
yon. Charlie died just as the clock wa
striking 12. "
I roused myself and went to the tsibh' '
There on thu order book was the order
just as 1 had heard it clicked out by th
sounder , and "Ro' ' was csilliug me to re
port the two trains safely by. Had
boon dreaming ami sent the order in m.
sloup , or hail my friend redeemed h !
promise ?
The writing in the order book was ii
his hand ami I have never been able ti
account for it.
The Trnlu Dispatcher's Tcrrllilo He
Hponslblllty.
Chicago Mail : Mr. K. 1) ) Chandler
now , agent of the largest manutaolnrer ,
of lire-clsirm aparalus in the linitei
Stales , anil Mr. M-irvin llughitt , geuora
manager of the Northwestern railway
system , were once telegraph operators ii
the same ollieo. Mr. 'llughitt acceptei
an oiler from the Illinois Central com
pany , became a train dispatcher , am
soon rose from that position to bo it :
general superintendent. After he hail
begun to rise he urged his old ollieo matei
lo "catch on" to railroad business.
"If yon will ire at train despatching , ' '
he said , ' 'It is only a question of tjnn
when yon will get up to Mmclhini <
better.1'
Chandler wouldn't do it. He had triet
it for si short time , but found the straii
on his nerves too much for him. Ho wu :
in c.insUint terror of running two train :
together , and lie says his hair would havi
turned pray years ago if he had kept a
it.
"Kvory train dispatcher gets two train :
started toward each othi" Mionor 01
later , " he claim * . Ho may be sible ti
slop one of them in time lo .save ; \ wreel
and loss of life and property , but soonci
or later both will get away from him.
want none of that kind of responsibility. '
Kallrnail Men Who Stmly ,
Texas Siflimrs : A Chicago paper tell o
a young brsikeman who tor two yean
read law on the top of a freight ear , am
at the end of thai period ho had acqii'rci '
such an amount of legal lorn sis M-cnrei
his admnssinn to the bar. Hilling on Hu
head car next lo llio locomotive woiih
have assisted him butler in gelling famil
Iiir with Coke
An old railroader , on reading of tin
above circumstance , said to us :
"That'a nothing at all. 1 was onci
braking on a passenger train where tin
entire crew were most industrious sin
dents in one line or another. There wort
two brsikeinen reading law. "
"Were they admitted to the bar ? "
"They were adniittcd to every bar or
the road , smd it there was any hesitation
about it they kicked in the door anil
thrashed the barkeeper. As for myself , '
ho continued , "li studied civil engineer
ing. " i
'Did you ever lay'out si township ? ' '
"I tried to do if onon , when I had si
load on , but I irot laid out. myself in
stead. "
"What was yoitr'conductor studying ? '
"
"Ho wsis sluelyjiig Ihu manly"art -
'
pugilism. " , ,
"How do you knoyv1
' 'Cause ho 'knocked down" every
chance ho got. 'Tho ' baggageman wsis
studying piinlin : < t.-'r
"What did he paint ? "
"His nose. You see there was always
more or less liqndr in the batrgsige esir'1
"But the engineer was too much en
gaged in running his locomotive to give
any time to study , wsis ho not1
"No , indeed ; lie was a great mechani
cal genius , ajitl was always studying to
make something. "
"Did he make anything ? "
"O , yes ; he made $00 : i month. "
" 1 mean did ho make anything out
side V'1
"Often. "
"What w.-.s it ? "
"A mash But our fireman was a gen-
tiine musical prodigy. You on.1 ; lit to
Ifavi seen him play.
"Tho piano ? "
"No , kcno ! "
"A wonderful smart crow you nmsl
have had ? "
"Yes. indeed ; even Iho candy tmtehcr
who sold papers could pick "
"The "
banjo ?
"No , a pocket. "
The Only Pass Hefusal on Kncnri ] ,
Mrs. Ray ami daughter , of Patrick
comity , who walked from that county to
Richmond , a distance of 210 miles several
weeks ago , with a petition signed by hun
dreds of the citi/.ens of Patrick county ,
for the pardon of Mrs. Hay's son , who is
sentenced lo the penitentiary for housebreaking -
breaking , called upon the governor yes
terday regarding her appeal. Governor
Leo 1ms sent lo Patrick county for the
papers in the ciisn and has not heard
from them yet. Ho informed her of the
faet , ami told her he could lake no action
in the matter until ho received the papers.
The governor then told her that ho
thought it useless for her to remain , and
offeree ! to pay her way back on the
train.
"No , indeed , " replied Mrs. Kay , very
emphatically ; " 1 am afraid of them
things , and prefer hoingupon the ground
and walking to riding in them. "
"Haven't you over ridden upon one ? "
asked tlm governor.
"No , indeed , " roplletl Mrs , Hay.
"When I see one n-comin I always gel as
fur from the road as possible. 1 wouldn't
like to ride on one of them for nothing. "
H Was a Conductor ,
St. Paul Globe : "I want to match any
body In a knock-down contest , " said a
delicate-looking man as hu stopped into a
newspaper ollice and addressed the sport
ing editor.
'Feather ' weight , I suppose , " remarked
the sporting editor
"Don't make airy iliflorenco how ' big or
how little he is , 1 can do him up. "
"How much a side , "
Anything from $1,000 to fS.ODO a side ;
ike itifrjOU forfeit.1' '
"Bare fots , " :
"Certainly ; how cbuld we work with
gloves oni"
"Queensbury rules' ? "
I l"l don't know anything about the
Que-onsbury line. Where does that run
to ? " t
"There is evidently a misunderstand-
inc. Didn't I understand you to sayvoti
wished to makeh 'piatch for a prize
fight1' ' V
"Never thoughtf ! such a thing. "
"Yonaid a knock-down contest ? "
"Certainly. " m 1
' And are not a lighter ? "
"No ; I am a conductor. "
FIVE , FIELDS FOR WOMEN
Stenography , Type-writinc , Tolcgraphj
Teaching nnd the
THE SPECTRE OF MARRIAGE
Teaching of the Younjr the Most. 1m
portnttt or All , WhileIjlternture
Is n Oooil Scoond Wonteu
in Newspaper Olllccs.
Joe Howard in Motion Globe : It i
gratifying to note th.it among the prc
grcssions of the day , In fact , of the agr
is the labor of women , and in variou
realms of occupation , for solf-suppor
anil therefore self-respect. Tho-io wldcl
occur to us at the moment are , first
stenography ; second , typo-writing ; third
telegraphy ; fourth , teaching ; fifth , tin
last and worst of all , stores. A thor
oughly good woman stenographer it Ji
hard to lind , anil I really believe it is be
cause women asn rule are brighter thai
men. A man , studying stenography
reduces himself so far as ho can , ho be
ing intelligent enough to sec the necessity
for so doing , reduces himself , I say , si
far as he can , to thu position of a ma
chine , his oar , sense and hand noting a :
a harmonious whole. His n very ran
gift when he can follow v , ith his mind ;
tram of thought , the mere words o
which ho is expected correctly and ab
solutely to transcribe in shorthani
upon a page of paper. 1
have lind thirty years' experionci
with stenographers , and I have fount
that the nnma-nt a man attempts to un
tlerstand the matter hu is writing , so as It
enter at timiM , at moments of leisure.intc :
n discussion of the subject , he becomes ol
no special use. Women , as a rule , o.y
peel to understand what iheysiro about ,
nnd my experience is that if they drop : i
w jrd or'a part of a scntcncnlhcvatUMiipl
to supplement it fronij their own Hind ol
knowledge , and in the process of supple
niunling they ignore the present and soon
beeome inextricably embarrassed.
Then , too , practice is what is needed
inns ) of all , after tlib rudiments ol tin :
science sire mastered , for stenography is
a scienee , anil a hard one , and a woman
who expee-lr. to devote her life to the1
praetiee of .stenography is a rnrsx avis in
deed. What docs she oxpeet ? Sim ex-
peels to cet married. A man goes into it
for his life woi'K.
He says to himself , "I will in time be
eome a court stenographer , anil will gel
two or lliree thousand dollars a year for
that , ami with : i perfunctory service , In
which 1 will add what 1 can by occasional
jobs , or by work obtsiined regularly from
the newspaper ollieo. " That spectre ol
matrimony stands before every woman
ab\e , and the few exceptions but prove
the assertion.
. I have had occasion to write of women
as telegraphers before. If they will do
volt ! themselves to it , as a business , all
rigid : they are just as good as any man
wiio ever attempted it. The dillicullics
in the way are mental and physical.
Mainly ll.i- woman thinks , "sooner 01
later desir ( . 'harley or ( Jeorire will conic
sdong , ami oil'we will .skin 'to tint
MUICY MKASfKKS OV Till : MAUKIANK
nm.i.s"
The physical reiiiiroinents | of an active ,
conscientious stenographer , typewriter
and telegrapher , are such sis la's the av
erage woman's strength. Her head , her
back arc liable to ache. Sitting inn cramp-
eil position ca.isej. her pains in thu eluisL
No snow storm is ever pleasant to go out
in , and exposure to the rains sintl under
a burning sim N likely to sive hern
thousand and one ills to which her par
ticular kind of llosh is heir to , siud that
makes trouble m tint office.
In my judgment the highest work per
formed by men or women is the teaching
the ybnng. Kvorythmsr in the future do-
iieud.s npim the teachings in the present.
I'lie. man or woman competent to take a
child , to impress upon his mind what he
should know , to mould his morals so that
hU feet will naturally tend to planes that
sire high and in paths that sire noble , is
lit to stand among kings and dine with
queens. Yet the drudgery of the work
can never bo exaggerated in words. Tlu
pay is poor , the compensation , so far sis
reputation is concerned , is next to noth
ing , ai.d the great sordidncss of the
world shows itself in no place so con
spicuously as when it deals with the
teachers of its children. Well , if it is not
si good idea lor our girls to take these
various roads to success , or to become
teaeheis , what ought they 'to do ? Go
into stores sis shop-girls , and parade
themselves sis "salesladies , " lit
tle thinking of ' the ridicule
they bring upon themselves by calling
themselves names , which , if applied to
their brothers and masculine friends
would be to heap contempt upon themv
Who ever hoard of a ' 'sales-foreman" or
"sales-gentleinan ? ' ' Why not say "ssiles
woman4' as well as "salesmen ? " It seems
lo mo that onn glane-c at the girls stand
ing belling the counters of our great re
tail stores ought to satisfy any person
that it is the last ditch into which they
could get by any possible tumble. In
Lliese places the work has nothing stimu
lating about it. It stirs no latent energy
it aets in no sense as si tonic to the brsun.
It is phvsiijue-wesiring , patience-exhaust
ing. ' 1 he aversigo pay of tiiesc poor girls
is ? ! J pur week. Out of tl.at they must
| ) siy their board , clothe themselves and
ulotho themselves respectably , too pay
' '
their ear faro , the doctor's bills , and'fo'r
what little pleasure they get in the way of
imusmncnt. Now , I do not intend to
preach morality , but I simply open the
leer and ask yon to look in yourself at
the 10,000 girls in this great city , whoso
average
coMirixs.vnoN : is a.flOi'Kn wunic ,
ivith an enforced vacation in many of the
arger stores of from six to eight weeks
Inraticni , during which they got no pay
wliiitovor , ami then tell me whether this
s a .school for virtue , whether this is a
promenade on which can be safely
) laeed the tender foot of girls too young
0 understand thu meaning of the tnarus
.hat encircle them , but old enough to
wish to dress as well as their compan-
ons , and weak enough to follow any
example , however pernicious , that they
navget on.
Now , all this leads up to the question ,
iVhcru shall thovgo ? What Khali they do ?
it.seeuis to me Unit , oulhidu of the fau-
.ories , where children are little bettor
than slaves , there are fields of labor In
which the unquestionable intellect and
narvelloiis adaptiveness , physical , of
women might be iitili/.ud. 1 am not very
familiar with spinning and the varied
ioguato employments connected with it.
jutl believe thwo is a realm in which
women could do an immense amount of
work , and /or which they would receive
my ( they would hate to take
'wages , " I suppose ) commensurate
vith their achievements , House-
lold service , menisil service , ot .necessity ,
iccupy the time and attention of thou
sands. So far as cities are concerned
that class of work is moiiopoli/.ed almost
entirely by foreigners , but throughout
he great country , on New England
farms , on western ranches , there are
upljortiinllics where respecting and
self-rcllunt girls could iind congenial cm-
iloymout. The great picture dealers of
his city tell mo that they sell with won >
Jerful rapiditv , and at most gratifying
1 rices , crayon sketches and water-color
licturcs , done by men or women , so long
is thu subjects aru unique and gympa-
liutic. Women's intentions are quicker ,
TIlKlIt SENTIMENTS AKE K1NKI1 ,
uid bof-tluty ought to be better able to
bjects , which , bolng pleasant to
them , would be agreeable lo purchaser ;
A portion of our < ; ity churches hav
woman oriraniMs , Somn of our larcr ?
concern * have woman accountants. I'll
best proof-reader 1 over knew wns
woman.
Women In a newspaper otllcc , as
rule , are' a nuisance.
The reason of this Is two fold : Flrsl
they insist in terms ) and in manner upo
being treated as women. They wan
their little episode of forgelfulue >
passed over very lightly , not becaus
they werolll.butbeoaufiO they nro women
The1 ordinary woman writer seizes n !
most Intuitively upon fashions as hu
topic , as though dross and its uliosvn
crnsios were the. chief thought of thei
readers , and therefore of themselves
They arc unwilling to bo directed. Thej
are often potty nnd small in their com
prehension of affairs. They nro , as :
m.itter of course , obviously preoludei
from certain phases of newspaper work-
but in the composing room I him
always found them as servieenblo us i
man. and in the proof room , as I sav , tin
best reader 1 ever knew was a womsin.
Literature , the world around , seems d
be a fair field for women. If they wouh
be content to outer before the mast am
work their way up , irrespective of thei :
sex , or of any special domestic troubh
that might be annoying them , in othei
words , if they wish to stand shoulder ti
shoulder with their brothers , receive i
man's pay tor a man's work , they shoult
be content also to take the risks anil ti
expeet the ha/.ards , precisely as theii
brothers are compelled to , so that , aftci
all , it seems to me the lirst tiling on :
girls should bo taught , as a necessity
ot solf-reliatico for their own support , tin
ueee.s.sity of a training lo some speeia
end , precisely as a boy is trained to sonu
special end , and then"go ahead with tin
understanding that their work is a lifo'i
work into which matrimony , it it come :
at all , comes as a divorltmt and an aid
and a help.
The fjost SimlH of Siberia ,
London Peat : A graphic picture of tin
condition of those unfortunates who an
Hlly described as "lost souls" is drawn ii
the work on Siberia by the Russian writoi
Jadrcn/.olT , a Gorman edition of whlcl
has just been published by Professor K
Petri , of Borne. Hut few of the c\doi
ever attain to the possession of a house
bv which is meant a miserable hut. Mosi
of them are in reality the bondsmen ol
the Siberian peasants , by whom they art
hired ; that is to say , they remain in theii
debt as lomr as they live , and are satis
lied when they can got money for drink'
ing on holidays from their masters. Bui
as the majority of the exiles are rogue. '
and vagabonds by profe.s.sion , who arc
afraid of work , the number of fugitives
sire constantly increasing , who steal , rob
and plunder whenever n chance oilers ,
and thus intensify the natural antipathy
of the settlers against the class of the de
ported. The neasints have every CSIUMJ
tei be incensed sigainst them , for , besides
siillering from the malpractice ! of the
convict class , they have to bear the cost
of the erection smd preservation of pris
ons for the exiles , organize hunts for tlie
capture of runaways , provide- guards for
them , and lind the taxes which cannot bo
raised simoiigtlii ! deported class. But the
greatest gups in the ranks of the exiles
are caused hy tin-almost systematic es
cape of the latter from forced labor smd
from the convict settlements. No less than
lo per cent of the donorlcd eseapo miring
transport. Many of them are shot down
like wild beasts by the peasants and na
tives , nnil an observer of Siberian life
made a very true remark when he said
that Siberia would scarcely have been
able to overpower the runaway exiles if
the peasants had not annihilated them.
The most extreme measures to check
the system of escape sire the hunts by the
natives , organiml by the Russian gov-
erniiuiiit. rho native receives three rou
bles if he delivery the prls'one.r "dead or
silive , " to the authorities. The people are
provided with gootl sums and ammuni
tion , BO as to imik'e hunting the escaped
prisoner si success. One of those few who
managed to escape \vis : seized in his na
tive village , anil when brought before
the court ho said : "For two years 1 have
wandered about , have swam through
rivers and sesis , have crossed Sibcrisin
forests , passed through steeps and mount
ains anil no one has touched mo , neither
man or boast ; but here , in my native vil
lage I have been seized smil cast into
chains. " The eseapo from forced labor
had become so common that the admin
istrators of convict , establishments were
m the habit of calling out , when receiv
ing prisoners , "Whoever wishes to stay ,
let him take clothes ; ho who wants to
run away will not need them. " It should
be observed that the clothes left behind
by escaped convicts , so as to guard
igainst capture , are the perquisites of the
l > risen authorities.
Whilst the statistics show an incredible
increase in the number of crimes com
mitted by exiles , proving the ellieiouey
jf the sj'stem of deportation as a correc-
, ivn delusion , they are equally condemn-
lalory of its much vaunted c'hcapness to
lite state. The cost of transport of si Si-
lerian deporte is estimated at 50 roubles.
87.fiO. ) But in this estimate ) are not In
cluded the cost of transport to the main
route ( steamers on the A'oga and Kama ) ,
uid thence lo the place ot destination ,
, ho maintenance of Ins family if ho is ae-
; ompiinied by it , the maintenance in
irison till the spring , as trantsports in
ivintcr have been abolished , as well as
.he cost of the military guard , so that
.ho expanses of transporter each convict
, o his place of destination amount to
ibout ! iOO roubles 02i5) ? ) , a Hum that would
Le ) sullicient to keep him at least four
rears in the dearest prison of Kuropcan
Itnssia. lint this sum is raised to 600 ron-
jles ( $ C,00) ) by the expense attaching lo
.ho nmintcnanci ) of etapperoutes , escorts ,
[ irison along tl.o route , and otappo
louses , not to reckon the burdens im-
icisod upon the population , who have to
[ irovidu vehicles and hospitals , and their
ossos through theft and crime of all do-
icriptlons.
A simple calculation , consequently ,
jiight lo lie in favor of those in Russia
, yho raise their voices against degrading
iilmrla into n receptacle for "lost souls. "
Jardrnzon" says : "The system of tlepor-
ation has converted Siberia into asowor ;
lejxirlatiuii has been the cause of much
njustico and harm done to the country ,
iy mixing the deported with thu popula-
Ion , crime was accorded a widcnscopo.
I'lii ) exiles are at present in an extremely
nisorahlo and objectionable condition ,
mil Siberia receives , irihtitud of useful
vorkors , a numerous , homeless , and ln/.y
iroloUiruil , By the present deplorable
iondition of the banished the punish-
nent iulllclod does not lead to reform ,
ml yields a result quite the reverse , con-
Isliug in the dciiiornli/.ation of thu exiles
.nd an increase in vagabondism and
rime.
Gnrltinil Doesn't Jtoaif ,
Boston Record : "Dan'l , how stands
uy cabinet this morning ) ' "
"All present or accounted for , " re-
ponded the faithful aitlo briskly.
"Art sure ? " inquired the president ear-
itsstly ,
"Sure , " was the reply.
The president bowed his head for a
iioment over his desk , anil then upturned
is sad face to thn light , \ \ ith the words ;
'I ' t-oo but one gleam of hope , Dan'l.
'ouch my Pan-Kleestrio hull. "
The iddn ol > r > \i > d in Mleneo ,
In si ni' > : i < i page appunrcd and
teed with l < HI > r.
" 1 pray III--- said the president ,
lorniy , "attach i. . . placard lo the post-
ullis of mine liDii.sc , and mind jou use
unponnv mills.1
Now tlio inscription upon the placard
i1 si8 UK lollows ;
"Resignation has fallen intti noxious
esuetudu. "
Exproesivo Evolutions of Ancients Oomparcd
with the Modern "AlUHnnda-Round"
IMPRESSIVE FEET OF EXPERTS ,
The iloys null Sort-own of the Itoinnn *
Pictured lii the Onnco The Par
ent ol'thc Moilcm Ilnllot
l-'l urcs of Hpocch.
The Stigo : : In a primitive stnto of
civilization , when only faculties do-
vclopctl are sense and emotion , it is onsy
to see how dancing would become n
usual means of communicating nmt ex
pressing thojojs and sorrows of savage
tribe. The almost habitual stain of war
fare would natural suggest an excited
ilanco as the best means for stirring up
the young braves to courage ami action
a custom , indeed , existing still in a modi-
lietl form in thn loud chorused patriotic
songs of Kuirland.
From the frantic wsir dance of ( ho
American Indian , with Its weird associa
tions , to thu modern ballot there scorns
little natural sequence , andyot'H will bo
found that one1 and thu same essential Is ,
or should be , characteristic of both.
In both thu central idea is a suitable ex
pression of emotion , anil hcneo dancing
boeamo in process of development n dis
tinct adjunct of the worship of the podB.
The original ( Jreek chorus signified
company of singers dancinir in n ring
about the altar of Dioiiysitis. Plato , too ,
deelared that all dancing should bo an
net of religion , whilst among the Romans
it was considered an indecency to dance
in private.
All this goes to prove that a dcllnitn in
tention wsis always understood , nnd that
dancing was not regarded as mere pos
turing or posing , but that it had an intt-1-
ligiblo Isinguago of its own.
Adam Smith tells us that dancing is
nmch more expressive than imifcic , anil
that the minuet , where the woman , after
passing and repassing the man , gives
him lirst one hand smd then the other and
then both , was originally n Moorish
dance , representing the passion of love
The Pyrrhic dunce of Sparta repre
sented real warfare , and the dance of
the Kumemde's is said to have been so
fearful as to terrify all the spectators.
The Roman luneral dances would mi-
tually 2 arise from the religious soiiti-
incuts associated , thouirh it is hard now
to reali/.e the appropriateness of having
a bulliion in attendance to dance an
imitation of thechaiactorof the deceased.
In the reign of Augustus two remarka
ble men brought about complete revo
lution in dancing. Their names were
Pylades and Bathyllus , and to them must
be ascribed the invention of the panto
mime ballet. From the accounts of t'.ie time
performances seem to have been won
derful , the spectators being able without
dillienlty to follow the most elaborate
plot , and oven to understand Iho most
minute allusions , A writer of the day
says : "Their very nod speaks , their
hands talk and their lingers have a
voice.11
A memorable trial of strength took
place between Pylados ami a rival by
name of Hylas. The latter dancing a
hymn which closed with the words , "Tho
great Agamemnon1 to express that idea
stood erect , sis if measuring his si/e.
Pylades exclaimed. "Ah , you make him
tall , not great. " The audience begged
Pylades to dance the same hymn , and
when he came to the words collected him
self in a posture of deep meditation. The
silent pantomimic language , wo are told ,
was perfect.
So highly wore these pantomiue-s
esteemed that many of them worn child
ren of tint graces and virtues , smd finch
an influence had they over the Roman
people that when a quarrel occurred be
tween Pylades and Bathyllus t he emperor
himself interfered to bring about a re
newal of friendship.
Fora considerable period , owing prob-
nblj' to Gothic and Vandal invasions ,
pantomime ballet became almost extinct
m Italy , but in the liftconth century it
revived , and has maintained vitality over
since.
Female dancers were first introduced
n the bullet at an entertainment given at
: he court of Louis XIV , in 1(181 ( , and at
length the art was brought to its greatest
; ) orfeetion by thn celebrated Nonvei'ro ,
ivho was connected with several of the
oyal courts of Kurope as maitre do ballot
luring the hitter part ot the last century.
\ccortiing to him the qualifications of a
jallet master are terribly exacting. A
ight knowledge of mythology is abso-
ntely necessary ancient poetry , chro-
lology and painting are also requisite ,
lot lo mention the trilling addition of
jeomctry , anatomy and music , a pretty
; oed eloso for the modern tcrsichoresin
ligestion.
Bui Nonverro had the right principle
it heart , and we cannot dooettcr in clos-
ng this brief inquiry than by quoting his
> wn words respecting the true aim of
vhat was , to him , the highest art. Ho
siys : "The ballet should bo complete
lantomime , and , through the eyes , sneak ,
is it were , to the very soul of the snccta-
or. " _
Graut'N Horse.
15en ; Perley Pooro in Boston Budget :
icncral Grant was particularly , proud ,
.nil fond of IMS atutl ol horses. His war
iharger was an espeeial favorite. Ho
ook great delightin exhibiting his horses
o hu friends with whom lie was inti-
mile. Unco at Ins stables with a friend
10 said : "Perhaps you would like to see
hu horse I rode during nil tins campaigns
commanded1 Thonnlmal was ordered
o ba Drought out. The gentleman was
urprisod to lind the horse no larger than
. lady's palfrey small , slender , agile-
imbed , black as coal , intelligent , mild ,
.11 eye like a hawk , and a lick on thu
iiauo for all llio world like a boy's cow-
Ick. It was such an animal as women
ml children would make into a family
let. The L'ontlomau pronounced the ant-
mil a beauty , but expressed a doubt as to
IK endurance.
"Knduranco ? " said the general ; "Ihi.s
nimal exceeds in endurance any hor.se-
lesh I oversaw. I havotsiken him otitnt
Inyllght and kept in the saddle till dark ,
ml ho came In as Iresh when I
ismoiintod as when ho started in the
iiornlug. The.ro isn't gold in America
D buy him. Ho is an imported horse of
no breed and was once on Jell' Davis's
lantatlon. " This was just before Davis
ras caught , and the visitor said ; " 1 prc-
limn you would exchange the horse for
oil' Davis. " "Vou have said it , " ex-
laiincd Grant ; "I would uxchnngu him
jr his old master , but for nothing else in
lie world. "
IHHII Trotloi-H.
Now York Sun : In one ref.peot thl
as been a great trotting year , and in an
ther it has been thu reverse ,
There him been a great number of fnt
orees out man over butore , but the fust-
st veterans have not repeated their feats
f past years nor have any now onus up-
eared to take their placed ; iMfi has been
ealon but mice , by Harry Wilktm , and
e improved this record , which belonged
> him last year , by a quarter of a second
nly. Maud S , the brightest star , has
ot shown in public , and her U.O'J ' ! IK a
nig T.'ay oft' from the capacity of any of
ur rivals. Then the pacers' have done
nlhitig. Wo do not think 8:14 : has been
eaten , ami Johnson , thu champion of
. ( OK has not shown up al nil.
Still , Hit ) trotting turf in in a very
uallhy hlato. It has , no doubt , been
tiiUling n foundation broader and more
il > 4tantialupon which some yetara honcc
mure brilliant light Uiuu ever known
ufore Khali
