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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 3, 1886)
JO THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : BUND AY , OCTOBER 3 , TWELVE PAGER , AJIOXG THE WITS AND \VAGS \ , A Batcli of Pun tintl Frolio Sot in Smiling Prose and Rhyme. A ROLLICKING WAR DALLAD Tops the Htoi-y of a Cnnic , In Which n Haw Decision Itoults I he Hon est Umplre'H I-Ynmc I'nrn * ( rnphs With A Mc.vicnii War Itallncl. 1'iicl ; . "How are you , Colonel Kerrigan , li < nv arc you , ( -'oloncl Pike , How aio you. Knllnnt gentlemen , nml what ilo you feel like ? My stars , olil Polone ! Slaughter I and licru Is Colonel Blood ! And Colonel Holmes , nnd Colonel Ham , and Colonel JlobMcFudl "How does the Fourth Wntd rally , nnd does Sill ! | lill ( ! tOCO A-inarcliliiK down to Texas , nnd the old I.In ; And will you. cross the river , nnd take the lirst turniilke , Thai leads to Cher-u-bus-co , or what do you fi-i'l like ? " Then up spoke Colonel Kcrrliran , and up spnku Colonel I'ikc , And Colonel Ham , and many more , as many as you like , And they caused so much contention , nnu they raised co loud a roar , Tliat you couldn't lull lor minutes wliat colonel nel Imd the lluor. At last n martial voice was heard above tlio The lion voice of Colonel Pike , and thus ho did bi-Kln : "I'd like to dive In peon blood , way down at Kl I'a-so , And swim In sore from the Rte Grande to ancient Mexico. "I should like to see the border.yet I'd rather rest my eye , 2sot so much upon the Klo as upon a little ryu ; And all of my grim comrades unanimously think. As a preliminary , we'd like to take a drink 1" Mo'1 bought Ho Wan Alioitt night. "Say , young feller , is this the road to HoilbugV" Inquired : i traveler of u boos- ler whom he met at the cross roads dig ging for angle worms. "You're 'bout right , " replied the man , without looking tin. "Kino day for fishing , " continued the traveler. "You're 'bout ' , right. " "Good many fish about these partsr "You're 'bout ' righl. " "Look hero ; are you gnving ineV" "You're 'bout right. " "You galoot , any one would think I had no sense tlie way you answer mo. " 'You're 'bout right. " MOM Are as Dear ns Kvcr. Practical Mr. Jobson remarked yester day , while enjoying his post-prmidial ci gar in the bosom of his family , "A-o you aware , Matilda , that Hour has not been so cheap before for thirty years as it is V" quoted to-day "That should certainly bo an induce * racnt to matrimony , " responded the thougthful mother. "les , mamma , but you know young men are a.s dear as over ! " Haiti Gwendo line , as nhe glanced out at young Flip- kins , who was wickedly llirting with that hateful girl from Philadelphia. There Are Couplers nnd Couplers. First stranger. I like to run down here on Sunday after a hard Saturday's work. Second'strungcr. I prefer to run down hero on Monday. On Sunday 1 have so much coupling to do. First stranger ( stillly ) . Ah ! you are a brakeman then ? Second stranger ( mildly ) . No : I am a clergyman. Not a Yankee. Detroit Tribune : Chief Justice Smith , of Arkansas , who is stopping for the summer at the Crawford House , Windsor , has with him his family. Fanny , his youngest _ daughter , is a bright pretty miss , who has madu many friends in the hotel. Among them are Homo children about her own age. "Where do you live ? " asked one of them the other tlay. "In Little Hock , " was her surprised answer , and with the intlection and ac cent of one who had seldom been out of Little Rock. "Where is that ? ' persisted the geographically graphically ignorant and persistent friend. "Little Rock , Arkansaw. United States , Amchicnh , " very decisively. "Why , then , you are a Yankee ! " "Look a heah , " was Miss Fanny's quick , impatient answer ; "you ( loan know. I'm not a Yankee" with hides- crlbablft scorn "wo'so all doniochats down thah. " Indeed Ho Was Ashamed. Chaplain "This is your third term in this prison. Are you not ashamed to have your friends see you hero ? " Abashed ttonvicl "Indeed I am. The prison is disgraceful. The reception room smells like a taproom , the cells are dark as caves , the wanton is no gentle man anil the table is not tit to sit down to. Ashamed to have my friends come here ? 1 am mortified every time I sco them ; but what can 1 doT ! Ono of the Kent liedhiii ; Huntcra In tlio Country. "Well , Tom , how is it about marrying the widow Burrollv" "That's all right. I'm going to marry her. " "Well , 1 have no doubt she'll ' make you a good wife she has had consider able oxporiiuice as a housekeeper. " "Yes , she understands nil about it. tSho's one of the best bedbug hunters in the country. " JIow to Write a Poem. Liinn Union. A bard who knows bis business ran bring on the Delphic dUzlncss. stand upon the nuaklm : tilpod of the trembling , wild- eyed Muses , hitch the piston-rod of fron/.y to his rhyming apparatus , and Htcun : up his poetry motor with the real divine alllatns , just whenever and wherever and whichever way ho chooses. Weed not wait the Muso's boimon , like old" fashioned bards HUe 'Innnyson , wait the still , Hiunll voice of silence nnd the touch of Inspiration ; lot him take his cyclopedia anil hlnVei > ster'n dictionary - ary , pick out strnnio words unfamiliar unto Tom nnd Dick and Uarry , such as sy/vgy , qiiblupsarlan , at'gcr , ratiocina tion. Then , to nlgHton the confusion , mix some erudite allusion hidden by the fojjs of legend nnd by vapors nllogorlc , nil about some Hindoo deity ten centuries before llmldha or some old Icelandic troddesswlth a cognomen llko tihrudha or Bomo Nineveh divinity obscure anil prehistoric. I'lieu mix In. If you are able , all the tongues of ancient llabol , with utrnniro Turaii- Ian accent nnd n .Mesopotomian flavor have the poem polysyllabic , polyglot , and very jluull&h. lull of banscrlt , Greek , Etruscan but , O , don't drop into KiiKllsh I make it meaningless and forulKii , and 'twill catch the popular favor ! No Morn IntorriiptlonH. Now York TribuneArtomus : Ward said that once while on a lecture tour night found him at a small town in Ne vada. In the landlord of the hotel ho roco"nizcda friend of his boyhood , who eave him a hearty greeting. Supper over , the landlord said to his guest : "Now , IJrown , wo hardly over have any show of any kind in this place , nnd 1 don't think wo ever hail a lecture , wan t you give us your lecture no in the ball room ? It will please the people mightily , nnd I'll take It as n great fuvpr it you will. ' ' With characteristic good nature Arienms consented. The ball room was well idled when ho rose to speak , and on- fore he had been on his fcot a minute , hi : made uti observation which provoked a roar of laughter , at which the landlord , his faeo white with rngo , rose and ad vanced toward the platform with the re mark , "One minute , Mr. Brown. " Ar tennis paused , and the landlord harlnc taken his plnee beside him drew n revolver volvor from his back pocket and addressing - dressing the audience , said : "L.idio.- and gentlemen , the speaker is a partik- Inr friend of mine , and if he's interrupted ngin d me if I don't shoot. You can proceed , Mr. IJrown. " Artemns pro needed , nnd although ho gave them his funniest lecture , he reported that then was altcrward no further "interruption.1 ( Jilcor. Itmtan Ctairtrr. An through this life wo travel what amazing things \si ! see ; The limn is looking down who reads tin bible on Ids knee ; lint ho who from a whisky jus desires to take it sup , While in the act of drinking Is most sun'Ij looking up. "limns" anil " .Inj-H. " "Do you pass the pcrfosh1' asked 11 seuilv individual of the doorkeeper of tin , theater. "What Is your professionV " ' . " "Pass You're "I'm a tramp. rigbt in. one of us , 1 see. " First actress ( to second actress ) "O , but if yon go into comic opera won't you fcol dreadfully about wearing tights ? " Second 'ictress ' ( tolirst ) "lint didn't 1 tell you 1 was going to visit some society people at Newport this summer , and after 1'vo been bathitiir in the now-tashloned suits that till the swell girls are wearing there now , why of course i won't mind u little thing like comic opera tights. " Manager ( preparing for the road , to property min-"Well ) , Wiggins , have you got everything together ? ' ' Wiggins 'Yes , sir ; everything but them things the company is lo present to you as testimonials , sir. " Manager "Well , got one paste diamond mend , new , and then go over to the Union Hoctanglu and try if yon can't borrow their property gold headed cane , nnd then sco if little Iiiknmn has got the company's presentation speech ready' . I want to begin rehearsing them on that business botore wo start out ; there's no telling how soon we may nocd all our cards ? ' A recent young man of the genus dude stood in a theatre's foyer while a pretty actress was singing a ri.iquo song , rurn- ing to a seedy inan at his side , lie said : "Clara is a thirling , isn't she ? " The seedy man didn't say anything. "Shu's better looking olV the stage , though , " continued the previous youth. "Do you know her ? " interrogated the seedy ono. "I should smile , " responded the young man with a wink that was a whole I5oeac ; cio's "Decameron" in its significance. "What sort of a girl is sho' " "Oil who's livenone likes her , a one , sup per and bottle of wine after the show. I'm pretty solid. Would you Jikc to be introduced ? " "No , thank you ; 1 know her slightly. I'm ' her husband. " "Oh ! ! ! " " ( Jive me two seats , please , " said a tleadbeat to John llalvin , of Cincinnati , tlio other evening. "I correspond for several papers. " " but can't . " "Very sorry , comply. " 1 can do you great injury it' you refuse mo. " "Sorry , but yon can't have them. " "Howure ! Give them to mo or I will take you in the ollico and read my now play to you. " "Here take this season ticket. " "It is said that Capoul , the tenor , went inton hairdresssr'.s shop in London re cently to secure the services of the pro prietor. "hi what style do you wish your hair dressed ? " asked the knijrhtof the curling- tongues , who did not know his custonufr. "Why , a la Capoul , of course. " "Oh ! that's very unbecoming ; I'm sure it wouldn't please you. " A Ilonianeo in IJ-FInt. Ltff. We'd dismissed-every modern composer , In tlio course of a friendly cliat , When I casually ask if sho'knows a "Romance" by Van Thump in U-llat. "No " she "couldn't ' ' , really , quite say cr If ever she'd heard It or not , So I jumped un and offered to play her A lew bars from the piece on the spot. " had better it " "Perhaps you postpone , She answered in accents ot fear : "The piano I blush when 1 own it Has been out of tune for a year , " I replied that it didn't much matter , Just to glvo an Idea of the air , Then I opened the ltd with a clatter , And she fainted away in a clialr. And when she had fully recovered Which she did in a moment or more That 1 never tell what I'd discovered She betted mo to swear , and I swore. And now when I happen to call there \ on don't catch mo offering to play A "Romance" on her"Chiekerim ; " bedstead , For the thins "Isn't built that way. " Talking at n Hall. Texas Sifting : "What do Tyou say to a lady when you are at a ball ? " askeil a young gentleman who went to a ball for the lirst timo. "Talk to her about her bounty- , " replied the friend , who bail been there before ) . "Hut suppose she hasn't got nnv ? " "Then talk to her about the ugliness of oilier women who are present. " Not a CUNO or Mutual liiHiir.inoo. U exus Sittings : A man of a speculative turn of mind went to a western town and started what ho called a. mutual accident insurance company. The lirst man who came in to collect damages was one who had been injured in n railroad collision. His insurance tiekot was all right and ho had boon hurt badly enough. No gottmy around that. "Were you travelling alone ? " askad the agent. "Iso , my wife was with mo.1' "Then you nnd your wife were mu tually traveling togothur ? " "Yes , " "Was your wlto hurt ? " "Not ut all. Through a merciful Provi dence she escaped. " "Then , my dour sir , " said Ilia insurance man , "you have no claim against us. " "Why not ? " "This is a mutual insurance company , and ns you and your wife , mutually oc cupying a cor scat , were not mutually hurt , you , of course , are not entitled to any damage , don't you see ? " The man didn't see , but supposed it was all right if the agent said so , The Danger \Vns Over. Arkansas Traveler : "Look hoiih , Unk liufo , ' said lr , Jim. addressing an old negro , "yor knows dat 1'sw or graduate o1 duincdicul fertornity , doan yor ? " "Doan doubt It. " "I'so yer color , aint It" " .lis erbout. " "Wall , dun , why doan yer 'ploy mo 07 ver fnm'ly 'zition ? All de time yor wife's been sick yor nober hab sent fur mo. Now , look hoah , lemmo go tor see do lady an1 I'll promise yor dat of 1 doan do tier no good I won't ( to her no harm. " "You mor go tor see her of ycr wants tor. " "All right ) tlmnkeo , sab. " "Dar wuz or time when yor mout cr done bur harm , but you kain't do it now " "Why so ? " "Case do lady died dls uiawnin' , sah. " Altogether Too Good fur This Rnrth. An iee.nan nnd the milkman drove up to the door at the same timo. "How many pounds ot ice do you leave every morning ? " nskcd the mUk- innn. "My contract calls for ton pounds , but I leave twenty for good measure. How many quarts of milk dr von leave ? ' ' " 1 don't leave any. They think they nro potting two quarts of milk every day , but it's all pure cream.1 .Just then a lingo truck came bowling down the street. It ran over mid In stantly killed both the iceman and milk man. Their la t words were : "We'll see eneb other in heaven. " ' When Ho Knew Her. St. Paul Herald : "Pa , " said Johnny do ttlank lo his father the other evening after supper , "did you know ma long be fore you were married ? " "No , " said Doll. , glancing askance at the ladv sitting opposite , "I didn't know her tilf long alter wo were married. " Hasc Hall Pun. TIM : miMi VMIMIII : . I ) , tintl rrrr I'rrju. An umpire of the leairuo nines , I , ay ( iyiiiKul MIC plate , And the tjoiy forks about him Told the story of bis fate. He had made n rank decision , And the crowd , in lien/y deep , Ilnd slinlllcd olT his mortal cell Hy rocking him to sleep. The cateher stood beside him As Ids life-blood ebbed away , And swung his bat with vigor To keep the crowd at bay. The dylntf umpire beckoned , And tboeniitniu of the ulna Uent over him In sorrow , For he feared another line. 15ut the umplte's woid came feebly As the crisis was at hand. Ills dimmed eyes weie soon to open In a brighter , fairer land. Then he whispered low nnd sadly , "Call the CMIIIO , It's setting dark ; Lot it end on even innings , So the last runs do not mark. "I have finished wntrhlng tmca ; I nm numbered with the slain , And the cry of 'rats' will never Keho in my ears a aln. "Place my hand upon the hnme-plalo ; Let me have mylittle nmsk , r n\me \ a set of resolutions. Tills is all 1 have to ask. " The dylnir umpire faltered , His fuce turned toward the sun , Ono Ktis | > , and all was over ; It was his last home inn. They buried him at twilltriit In a hole they quickly made , And no stone marks the lonely spot Where the weaiy umpire's laid. HIS HASH 11AI.1. MASK. Philadelphia Herald : "That's funny about Smith , isn't it ? Ilo has the bash ful era/o and carries u catcher's mask with him nearly rill the time. Docs he play much ? "Play ? No , indeed : ho is too old and too rheumatic for base ball. " "Then why does lie carry a mask ? " "On account of his wife. " "His- wife ! " "Yes ; she is sort of nervous , quick-tem pered woman , and if he doesn't got home just the moment she thinks lie ought to she Hies : it him and tries to scratch his face. Smith , however , gets the bolter of her now. The moment ho opens the front door and gets into the hall he puts on his mask , anil that protects his face from her nails. It is a great scheme , 1 toll you. " TIM : CATCIMUE DIDN'T NKED VACCINATION. Merchant Traveler : "You know the new catcher of the base ball nine ? ' * "Yes. " "Saw him down at the doctor's office the other day. " "What was ho thorn for ? " "Getting vaccinated. " "Vaccinated Why , great heavens ! What tloes ho want to get vaccinated for ? He'd never catch anything in a hundred years. " Tin : HASH HAM : OAMI : . Of all the sports of present day That sway the puuliu mind , The base ball takes the lead by far Of nil tlio rest combined ; There's music In nynchtliu race , Theio's prldo in wlnntni ; lame , lint for downright keen enchantment All bow to the base ball A candidate for an ollieo Can sometimes bid it in , Hilt candidate for bases .Must have the leys to win ; Ho must be tender-footed , too. Ilo may bo sore anil lame. Hut bo's got to "Bet there. Ell , " To score In a base ball game. An umpire must be a man of nerve , With u'rit and cheek to match , Must call out fouls , and dead balls , too , And como up lo the scratch ; 15ut if bo's sliv he'll wink ids eye , When the pitcher takes his aim. And doilco the forls amid the bowls Uciird In a baseball game. It may be fun , but 1 can't see Where nil the tun comes in In playing ball or any Kaine For the side that doesn't win ; You may IntiKli and shout nt a put-out , Or kieic , 'tis all the same , Hut my heart beats for inouriilni ; kids That's left In a baseball game. ItASK HITS. A cool baseball player The ice pitcher. The baseball gnmu does not always como when it is called. When u baseball umpire in Missouri fails lo give sat'sfaetion they call HOVUII pistol balls on him and send him to his lirst grave , When basoballlsls begin to kill some body besides the umpire it if easy to see that u ehango for tlio better is coining oyer the national gamo. An exchange- asks if over a baseball player was over elected to congress. Yes , but ho made a short stop. Tommy Say , Mr. Klatmirso , you aint mueli at playing ba.so ball , are you ? Mr. F. ( who is paying his addresses to Tunny's sister ) Well , no , Tommy , I'm no expert ; but why do you ask ? Tommy Oh , just ' I hoard tellin' Julia 'causo ma that you was an awful poor catch. Hurdotto : At the close of a game of base ball in Chicago the players anil spec tators , in n singular tit of abstraction ( abstraction is of daily occnroneo in Chieaeo ) , had nearly emptied the in- elosuro before it was remembered that they hail forgotten to kill the umpire. The crowd then returned and hanged him. They may sometimes boa llttlofor- cotfnl in Chicago , but they never inten tionally neglect their duty. The Growth of Now York. Now York Commercial Advertiser : The tiity directory of lbO , when the population of Now York was about 20- OUO , contained only 8lfi names , a very small proportion of the whole number of inhabitants The directory of this year contains 81U,902 names , or about ono in every live of the population within the municipul district. A century ago the northern limit from which names were taken was Roosevelt and Cherry sts. on the East sldo , and Dey st. on the West side. Now the northern limit is the southern boundary of Yonkers , fourteen and a half inUes from the city hull. Among the names in the directory of 1780 are those of liloekcr , lirovort , Hockmaii , Cnigor , Cortlandt , Dcsbrosscs , Hamil ton , Goolol. Jay , Livingston , Remsen , Roosevelt , bchuylor , Scharmorhorn and Vandam. Many of the representatives of the old famines of that day have en tirely disappeared , and more of the rep resentatives of the old families of the present day had not then emerged from the common multitude. In 1780 Phila delphia was the metropolitan city.nnd political capital of the country. Wliat a wonderful growth Now York nnd the whole uutiou bus made ia one hundred years. MATRlMim IN SMALL SLICES , Some Interesting Tigurcs on the Oost of Love in a Oottage. THE DECREASE OF MARRIAGE. New KnsbioiiF ) In Wedding Court * Hbip in Southern Itnly CtirlotiH U'le-nps Advleo to Pro spective llrliles. Pretty KnoiiKli to Weil. Jtu A. t ) . ; ; . Hero is a question the maidens are Sallow eaii we mnkeovrselnes Inii ? One thinks that her oheeks area little too red ; Another Is tm .llni ; herpietty head To Know how to eurl her straight hair. This laisio's cheek * : are a litllo too pale ; HnVi can she mnke them red ? Aiul this little lady's hands are not quite AS smooth and slender , and soft , nnd white "As a lady's should be , " she said. And till * one thinks she's a trllle ton plump ; Another one thinks > he's too small ; He.r teeth are not quite so pietty as peat Is ; Anil wliatsliall wodo fortlie.se poorpoorglrls , That cannot bu happy at all'.1 And I , who look at them , cannot see Whvtbi'j- dlssiitlstii'd ; I hey look llko a garden of roses In bloom ; Yet over tlu-m all there Is resting the gloom Ot some fancied beauty denied. This mystical secret Is mlnu to Impart ; Ijisten , all wlio covet tlio power Of beauty's iiiauic : The wonderful nrt hies down in the depths of a gentle heart , And shines troiu the eyes every hour. The hands that do charity' : ) irentlo deeds Ale white as the angels' above ; And whether the cheeks bo losy or fair , It innocent blushes and henlthuu there , They nro pretty enough to love. If over the beautiful lips , dear iIrls , Hut Kontlo words are said : And whether the term bo plump orsllL'ht , If only the hcwt is pure and Iteht , You are pietly enouu-li to wed. Too Poor tn IMnrry. St. Paul CJIobe : "That's all right1 mused a blonde voting man a few evenings - ings ago as lie tilled back in His chair , and ga/.od sadly at a dlipof paper he held in his hand. "That's all right , " lie said , "but when a man is poor L want to know how he is going to work it ? " A friend standing near saw the look of dis may on the younir man's face , and asKed him what the matter was. "Well , you see , " replied the lirst sp'-aker , "lor some time ptht : 1 have ueon thinking of getting married , and had pictured to myself how nice and cosy it would be. to have a home ol my own and a nice little wife to re ceive mo. Hut in an evil moment I fig ured lit ) the cost of starting in , and now I shall never propose. I have not money onoumli and 1 won't run in debt for any thing.1 "Lot me sr.o your list , "said the friend. The young man then handed over the slip , the liuiircson which were as follows : KITCIinX A.ND 1I1N1.NU UOOM. Stoves nnd fixture * . Sr > 0 China and other fixtures . i" > Knives and folks , etc . 10 Tables . ir > Cupboard . 5 lee chest . ir , Sundries . 10 $130 lieit room set . Oarpets for housi ; . 5 ! > - Tables and chairs . ' " > Sundries . 10 100 I'Aitum on SITTIXO UOOM. l"u ni i t tint . WOO Stands , tallies , outside furniture. . . .10 Mirror and elocu . 'Si 47 : Total. . . . . S M "There it is , " tlio young man said ; "theso liguros areas low as they can pos - sibly bo made , and by the time you can Kel vour house furnished $1 , 100 , at least , will bo gone. I.t's all right to talk about starting in chcaplyvbut I would like to know how a map is going to. If ho don't own the house ho liyes in there is rent to pay. _ You will see that tuoso lijrures only provide for the furnishing of three rooms , and a young coupliyjuststartingin wants at least tour. This love-in-a-cottago busi ness , whore tho'pnlyturnituro ' consists of a boil , i\ pine table , 'two chairs , a steve and a lamp , may Ut ( all right for some people , but 1 don't want to marry any girl anil then take her to a place of that sort. My ideas are not at all extravagant , but I tlo believe in having things comfort able , ami to a certain degree nice. I do riot think it just to ( ako a woman from a comforablo homo and place her in an almost bare hoiiso. whore she will nave to crimp and deny herself everything in order that she ami her husband will not have to apply to tlio city for aid. It is an outrage to do so , and no fair-minded man will ilo so. " "Many people live on a salary of less than .t-IO a mouth , and yet manage to save money , " suggested the young man's friend. "That may be , but in nine cases out of ten you will find that such persons do not live they merely exist. And in the other case tlio parents of the wife generally stand ready to step in and make good any deficiency. Suppose a man is drawing n salary of § 7. " ) or even $ St ) a month. Out of that ho will pay about as follows , " and'-nnothor slip was pulled from the young man's pocket , which road this way. Rout. siy : . gin ( iroecrles . 15 Meat . 10 Wear anil tear . 5 Clothes . 15 Necessary small expenses . 5 Street car faro for wife . 1 Total . 00 "Thorn you have $1 1 left , possibly , and many will bu the time when this $ H will dwindle down into nothing. Snpposethu husband is sick a few days , or perhaps a few weeks , and the domestic purno is ow. Well the grocer won't trust you , and the butcher says ho must have cash for what ho soils. Oh , yus , this getting married on a small salary is line , but I don't want any of it.V man on a salary has no right to marry in the lirst place , for ho knows not when ho may lese his bead , and in no business is that truer than in mine , ( juess I will continue to board and live on tough beef steak , stale bread and the like , and lot the lanndrv mingle my clothing for some time to como. \ \ by , it takes all my salary as it is to support mo alone. " The Dooronso or Marriage In Society , nnil Why. "Lone Bachelor , " in Hoston ( ilobo : In the ( ilpbo of a recent date was a reprint of a letter entitled , "A Hollo's hamont. " I'lio fair unknown regrets seven weary years of social toih She is twenty-four , mid lias beontlatloredandooniplimonted , and with the slightest encouragement might now have been a loving wifo. She sayd : "It is lamentably true that , llko many another girl , my ears have grown so accustomed to compliments that they nro only empty , meaningless sounds , for ilospito the victory a woman achieves nvory time homebody tolls her she is beautiful , particularly when hho knows there is truth m the assertion , the fact re mains and overwhelms bur like an nyalancho from which there is no esoapo that among all the knightly gallants not 3no of the praisofnl throng has the man liness or courage to ask her hand in mar riage , " She points out the folly and fig ures the expense of tiisiluttering-arouiid- | the light - with put coming-to-tho-puint business , nml niliU : "Isn't it simply heart rending for a girl of mv years and : uy qualifications , too , 1 ma } addLe Lo contemplate ? Is it any wonder 1 sit in my room every day , after .t night of lecolleto dressing and silly walt/.mg , and died bitter tears because , though men latter , they refuse to think well enough ) f mo to marry me1" ! I truly sympathize with the young woman ; but let mo ualt ; "Is flic lot cf the yonnu men who flittpr but dare nt t wed lovely dam e ! of her stamp any more cminble * ' ' lt > w olteti have I not returned from a full-dress rout , divested myself ot the infallible "spike- tail.1 ensconced myself comfortably with my slippered feet on the mantel , lirod the final cigar philoi-opliij'.ed. Through Ihe curling smoke I see visions of the fair beiuy upon whom 1'vo ex pended my best . -flbrls nt nersillngi'only an hour since. 1 t'link how eo/y it wouul be were she to bo ga/.iug at the dying iMiibi-M of the hearth , sitting on a bnv stool by my side , iiiri how tt nderly I'd kiss those pretty shoulders that 1 but an hour since compared with lho eof the Venus at the Louvre. The picture N so otiehantmj : 1 even seriously speculate upon the possibility of making It real. A little sober reasoning and it is nil dissolved into smoke oven like the eigar , the remnants of which 1 I brow among the blackened eonK I'm ' , N and a strug gling barrister. The hat lie is not won. I've a reputation to make -position to gain. Kve'n fni : daughters of to-day do not eu.st their lot wilii struggling young men , win or lo-i , rise or go uniier. The young lady of tlui period is too well trained to tlo anything that it is not strictly good form , don't you know , and it is not good form to give way to senti ment to the extent of marrying a man who has not wealth or position , if it i * not nn absolute drinking foreigner with a tillo , it is a 50-year-old millionairewith a ncok the size of her waist , that can suc cessfully hid for the favors of the fair maiden of to-day. She will listen to your tribute to her beauty. She oven grows a connoisseur in the matter of the quality of your compliments. She is not stupid ami you must sharpen your wits in order to invent palatable loot ! for her vanity. She waltzes with you , Ilirts with you , oven indulges in tender litllo scenes with you ; but marry you dour , no ; "he's such a dear follow , but then ho is so wretchedly poor , ami one must wed a brilliant party you know. " I do not know where the fault lies , but that marriage among the better bred people is becoming beautifully less cannot bo denied. That the oiled upon both MJM'S is deniorali/.ing is equally apparent. I know scores of voting men with brains and education who shun society - cioty and the fashionable young woman for the reason that they well know that marriage cannot he thought of until much later in life with women in her sphere , and lo follow in her wake an admiring swain is a thankless and costly task fraught with morn vexation than pleasure. The result is that in most largo cities thorn are largo coteries of young men and usually the best ones , too who live rather fast lives , and in conso- ( iiienee when they do marry , at a late day. are unlit to bo husbands and fathers. I know score. ' of young men who would bo willing to marry and in many cases it would bo their salvation could they find young women of equal social attain ments who would bravo the struggle with them. The lives of most of these young men can be boiled down as follows : A more or loss according to disposition gay bachelor life ; and , if not wrecked by the wayside , when they get fat , Hubby and bald , a brilliant wedding with an ambitious bud , a short honeymoon , mu tual disgust , big funeral , interesting young widow tra la. The Now Fashion Iti Wcililiiij'ft. Now York World : _ The fashion set by Mrs. Cleveland of going to her husband's homo to bo married seems likely to bo followed. Miss Kingdon ol IJalv's troupe , on arriving in America , followed much the same course a.s that taken by Miss Folsom when she oanio home from Europe to wed the president. She ro- mamed in the city only a short while , and then wont up to her finance's homo on the Hudson ut lr "inglon to be made Mrs. Gould. Other s too. have done the same thing since Airs , Cleveland made her now departure in this lino. Society leaders nro waking up to the fact that an old tradition i-s being infringed and are preparing to adopt strenuous measures to crush out this mo.st undesirable new custom. ' It is all very weli for people to applaud Glad stone ; no doubt he will do a great deal of good in Ireland , lint in American society - cioty the conservative party has the reins and means to hold them , and will allow no such concessions to young female - male radicals. This is the tone the leaders are adopting. It is true that crmyned heads do not leave their do minions , but the royal consort is always espoused first by proxy in her father's home and noes not enter her husband's except as his wifo. This immemorial custom certainly assorts bettor with all traditions ot maidenly dignity and modesty than the later fashion , which is receiving general condemna tion from those who , while not rejecting the law , are al o scrupulous in the pay ment of the tithes of mint , aniso. and cummin exacted by the social world. ft used to bo bold quite necessary also that no man should ask a woman for her hand under any roof but her father's , and some hold to that belief with tenacity even up to the present day. In both those conspicuous cases the bride had no fatherlut even then there seems no good reason why the groom should not reeoivo his bride from the roof of her mother or nearest male relative. This fashion smacks too stronglv of King Copholua and the beggar maid. CotirlKlilp In Southern Italy. London Saturday Review. Suddo/i pas sions like those of Romeo and Juliet are the rule rather than this exception in the south , though they rarely have so tragical tin ending. A young man catches a glimpse ot a girl and at once resolves to make her Ins wife ; if it is at church , ho follows her homo ; if on a balcony , ho notes the house and begins to haunt the street. If ho is acceptable perhaps ono day a ( lower will fall at his feet , though the girl knows that sueh encouragement is unmnidenly. A lover with a good voice and ear has an immense ad vantage , lie sings snatches of love songs as ho walks below , and if a voice above takes up the last note and gradually passes to another song , ho may take heart. Whatever dlillcultics ho may still have to encounter , an aversion on the part of the object of his alleetions will not bo ono of them. Very pretty flirtations are carried on in this way , the young lady at times mocking and teasing her admirer with fragments of satarical verso , and at times falling Into something verv like sentiment , but they are more frequent after than before the betrothal. Even the most favored lover has In the meantime been seeking for some means of establishing n more direct Intercourse with the object of his choice. Ho has made inquiries of the neighbors as to the character of the family and its intimates , and endeavors to obtain an introduction to ono of the elderly Indies who frequent the house. To her ho explains his wishes and his position in lifo , and ho then bogs her to plead his causo. [ t ho Is an eligi ble suitor , she. is almost certain to con sent , as the mission is an interesting ono , and the position is considered highly honorable . She knows nothing of any little signs of favor the luyor may have received , so her lir t visit is to the young lady who feigns shyness and u reluctance which it sometimes takes weeks to over come. At least thu envy is supposed to act thus ; in fact , thorn is generally a per fect understanding between htir and thu parents , though they nrotend to know nothing of what Is going on. After the maiden has given what she considers a millioiunt proof of her modesty , shu yiolitH. The father is then consulted , thu princi pal conditions of thu marriage ' : untrnct .ire discussed and the betrothal tukos pin co. Vices Charged to Woman. Haltimoro Sun : The oxpenslvenoss of fpminino dress , habits and fancies is the text of many complaints. The bachelor's outgo , it IB alleged , is not halved , but trcblcd or quadrupled "on assuming the nnn o ' Carerr * , it is rliii'ned. ; are spoiled by premature marriage , and one writer hn * the hardihood to nllirm it lo be "a matter of fuel that the greatest men who have lived were childless ana wile- less men. " This Is explained bv the distractions - tractions of housekeeping ami "the In- liiiilo task of laboring to satisfy wives brought up with the idea thai economy is monimess. " The dl po > llion lo convert homes into eostlv museums of old ehtn.i brie-a-brne , useless furni ture , utinppreoialed book1 * , etc. , instead of slmh ing to simplify and miiiimi/.e the requirements of dailv living , i.s another vice charged upon the modern woman. "She nakes nothing and wants every thing , " DUO complainant puts it. "Liv ing i-oiN lno mueli , " says another , sum ming ill ) a thousand objections In one. It may be olNerved. however , in regard lo mueli of this fatilt-liuding , that it pro ceeds upon a narrow view of life ana its objects. A pretty ' -fli-ctlve reply to all i.s the contribution made to tlicdi ctissioii by n young lady who says"One has only to look around him to see that the married men are tlio most regulai , tem perate , law-abiding and prosperous1 A Curious Mnrrlujje. Tlio Connecticut papers record n rather peculiar marriage which was recently solemnized In a New Haven justice's ojliee. Ellsha ( Vnmlall. \Vellsville \ , N. Y. . appeared before the justice with a lady on his arm and brielly explained the nature ol their quest. When the name of the bride was asked it was discovert d that she , too , bore the name of Crandall , and further inquiry developed the fuel that she was the divorced wife of the anxious groom's brother. The home of the bride expectant had been in Alfred Center , N. Y. , where but a short time be fore the decree of separation had been issued by a court. Fearing possible trou ble as the result of their unusual pro ceeding if earned out in New York , the bride and groom journeyed to New Haven , whore the ceremony was quietly performed. The husband of the blushing bride was not among thu few witnes.-es present. Ailvlcc to MnldN Ahout tn > lurry. Pittsburg Dispatch : There were more ladies than men in the First Reformed Presbyterian church yesterday afternoon , when the Reverend Kevin Wondsido talked very interestingly on "Ruth's Kn- troaty. " In the course of his remarks , which related largely to the many sides of matrimony , Mr. Woodsido said : "There is great danger in a believer in Christianity marrying an unbeliever. No Christian ought to marry an atheistic or idolatrous wife , nor ought a Christian woman have anything to do with an in- lidel. There is a tlaiiger in such mar riages , threatening not only the comfort of the man or woman who make.s the ad venture in this world , but their bouls in the world to come. "I know that there are some people who say , and at lirst thought I might bo in clined to agree , that a young woman ought not to marry an old man. A young woman ought to bo careful in marrying an old man , to be sure , just as she ought to oxereiso caution in marry ing at all ; but a notable example of the good results from Mich marriage is to bo found in holy writ in the case of Ruth , of whom 1 have been speaking , who went with Naomi and married her son , though ho must have been over ninety years of ago at the time. " Mr. Woodside also advised wives to make much of their husbands1 relatives , especially of their mother-in-law. 15o- fore they married , the preacher said , women ought to make sure that they could accept their husband's relatives , and if they could not accept them thov should not many. To illustrate the evil results of marriage when this circum stance was not kept in view , Mr. Wood- side instanced the unhappy termination of the Morosiiii-Scliilling : matrimonial venture. NEAR-SIGHTEDNESS. The Dangers from a Prolligntc Use ol' Vision. Medical Record : M. Franccsque Sar- coy , tlio well-known French eritic , has written a litllo work which is worth the perusal of physicians by virtue of its charming style and the freshness and force with which he describes the course and the dangers of near-sightedness. His book is an autobiography , so far as relates to his o.yes. He begins : "i was born near-sighted , dreadfully near sighted. Many physicians assert that persons uro never born near-sighted , but only become. RG. However , science may think what she pleases , but I was born myopic. " Tho'vory day on which hisjinilrmity was discovered is indelibly stamped oil his memory , and his account of it is quite worthy transcribing : "One day , prompted' bv a spirit of mischief , I got hold of the big silver spectacles which my father always were , and clapped them on. Fifty years have passed since then , bnl the sensation I experienced is keen and thrilling to this day. I gave a cry of astonishment and joy. Up to that moment I had seen tno lofty dome ibovo mo only a.s thick , green cloth , through winch no ray of sunlight over fell. Is'ow O , wonder and delight I saw thai in tins dome were many little brilliant chinks ; that il was made of my riad separate and distinct leaves , through whoso interstices the sunshine shifted , imparting to their greenery a thousand tones of light and shade. Hut what anm/ed mo most , what so enchanted mo that 1 cannot speak of it to this day without emotion , was , that I saw sud denly between the leaves , and far away beyond thorn , little glimpses of the bright blue sky. 1 clapped my hands in ecstasy. 1 was mad with astonishment nnd delight. Verv high myopia like Sarcoy's is rare ; but moderate degrees of myopia are very common ; and morpin , a.s Sarcoy stales , is increasing and spreading through Europe liku some epidemic disease. Among the anemias it appears to have been practically unknowm , As evidence of this M. Sarcoy refers to the ancient amphitheatres in which 30,000 spectators sal and viewed Ihe games withoiitaglass. Perhaps , to bo sure , the moypes of those days mighl nave learned to stay al homo. However , that myopia is increasing there can bo no doubt. In fifteen years tlio proportion ot undoubted myopes in the Polyteciiio school of Franco has risen from 09 to 50 pur cent , and 60 per oont have to wear glasses. M. Sarooy urges his renders with profound emphasis to re member that myopia has u tendency to increase , unless numberless precautions nru taken , ami that all myopia eyes are weak eyes , to bo looked alter carefully by their professor. In his own case the re sult of overuse or misuse of his eyes , es pecially by attempts to get along with out glasses , was that ho lost the eyesight of one eye entirely through detachment of the retina , and thai a cataract de veloped in the other. The loss of the eye ho attributes to the nllects of studying when a boy in a badly lighted schoolroom , and ho invokes all mothers to examine the schoolrooms. "If they bo not fairly Hooded with light take your son homo again To leave him bent for ton years over dimly lighted books is , if ho has any tendency to this trouble , almost corlain to lay up myopia for Ins manhood ; if hu bo already myopic epic , It is lo assure him a blind old ago. " Sarcey's description of the development of his cataract and of its removal I.s vivid and dramatic. The operation was suc cessful and ho now sees distinct objects even better than before. The epilogue of his story is : "Remember that all extreme - tremo myopia oniU almost infallibly in a cataract , and that nearly all myopia may become extreme if the eyes are abused. " While Sarcoy's views are feonnnvhnt tinc tured by the bitterness of his personal experiences hi.i warnings are wUo and tlmuly and hhould bo widely read. THE STEALING OF PRINCES , The Famous Instances in History of Thefts of Royalty , Attempted SeUtu-o ol'tlie SotiH of tlitf Jlukn of HIIAOIIV Urui'l l' ' to i > C i the Prlncef-.s TuraUniiolT Arrest til' tlio Dul.o When Hankou" and his fellow-conspira tors found themselves likened by a German "Kilnvon KiiuHun- man newspnvor to / von - gen,1' they probably fell the same sort of irritation which , In the well known story , n lillings ! ate lish-woman is said to have experienced tni being ea'le ' I by Mr. John son nn isosceles triangle. Kunor ( Kon- rmhvon Knuli'ungcn was , however , a man of considerable spirit , to whom per sons of the XankolVtypooiight not lightly to bo compared. A trusted friend anil servant of Frederick , duke of Saxony ( styled the Peaceful ) , ho distinguished. himself in a war waged by Frederick against his brother William ; but in the uml was taken prisoner and held to run- som for a sum of1,000 llorins , which ho was obliged to pay out of his own re sources. To reward Kun ? ; for his devo tion anil recompense him for his loss , the duke of Saxony gave him a number of confiscated estates bill wilh thu under standing that be was to keep them only until pence was made. The war , how ever , eame to an end sooner than Kun ; * , had expected ; and , declining lo give up tin * property thai had been intrusted to him , it was found necessary to evict him. Thi'ii ' lie determined on the revenge to which ho owes Ins celebrity in history. Frederick bad gone lo Leipsic , leaving his two sons at Altenberg , where Herr von Kaull'ungen was warden ; nnd in the duko's absence the. treacherous servant sei/.ed the two princes and hurried with them towards the frontier. Ho was not , liowerer , destined to reach it Ho was arrested , brought back , and , in the year M.Vi , executed. KUIIK von KaulTungen had committed bis act of "Prince stealing , " or Prin/.en- raub , as.the Germansileseribotliisspecial and happily very rare ollense , partly from a sense of injury , partly with view to raising the wind ; for it was cer tainly Ins intention to let the princes re turn to their father on being properly ransomed. Catherine II , of RusMa , once felt herself called upon to perform u like act under fnrmoro _ dillioult circumstan ces ; nor in this ease could there be any question of ransom. Princess Tarakau- oil' , an aspirant to the Russian throne , had a considerable party among the Russians , who wore not at all pleased to see the imperial power exercised by Peter Ill's German widow. Catherine on the other side could not brook the pretensions of her plans and meanwhile holding a little court ol her own at Naples , where it seemed impossible to reach her. But the Orion" brothers were botli devoted to the empress , and Admir al Orion" in an action directed by three English ollicers temporarily in the Rus sian service Captains Elphin.stono nnd Groig and Lieutenant Diigdalo had just destroyed the Turkish licet in the bay of Tchcsnio and had since put into Naples for repairs. Thereupon Orion" , "Orion" Tohesinonsky" as he was now called re ceived commands , to look after the Princess Tarakanon" , and by some means or other bring her to Russia. The order was not an easy ono to oxeculo. But Orloll' was good looking and had engaging manners ; the young princess was impressionable ; and when the suc cessful admiral declared that ho not only espoused her claims but loved her per sonally , she willingly believed him. When her confidence iii him seemed to bo Millicicntly great , bo invited her lo an entertainment on board his flag-ship , at which , according to Castcra , the author of "D'Jlistoiro do Catherine II. , " the English consul and his wife were both present , not merely as visitors , but as ac complice in the crime that was about to bo committed , eastern's English translator later , it must be added , refuses to bellcvo that an Englishman could bo guilty of taking part in such n plot , and on that ground omits eastern's details on thu sub ject , which were precise , but , let us hope , untrue. Yv hat happened to thu unfor tunate princess has been already fore seen. OrlolV's entertainment was mag nificent. It lasted some hours , nnd when the visitors be < ran to leave the princess , now engaged to bo married to OrlofT.still remained. At lust , with the pretender to the Russian throne still on board , the admiral weighed anchor , nnd a fortnight afterwards delivered his victim into the hands ot the Empress Catherine , who throw her into prison , there to remain for thn rest of her lifo. Napoleon had certainly less to fear from the Duke d'Enghien than had Cath erine the Great from Iho Princess Tnro- kanoll , and of all the recorded cases of "prince stealing , " the ono thnl ended with the mock trial and prompt execu tion of Iho slolon prince was certainly the most iniquitous. A now and very pathetic interest has recently been given to Iliu htor.y of the Duke d'Knghien'H last moments by the publication of tlio letters of I hi ; Princess do Rohnn-Rochoforl , to whom he was secretly married , and who. crossing the lilnno from the Grand Diichv of Baden to Alsace immediately after lior husband's arrest on Itaden ter ritory , remained m a village nonr btras- burg to await the news of his fato. After being taken across tlio rivertoStrasburg , the duke WAS allowed to write to his wife ; and , having in no way conspired ( as ho was accused of having tlono ) against the lifo of tiio first consul , he seems at first to have anticipated no serious re sults. "The [ tapers found on mo , " ho wrote , "and which were at once sealed up with my seal , are to be examined in my presoncn. As far as I remember , they will lind letters from my relations and from the King , together with copies of some of my own. In all tins , as you know , there is nothing that can compro mise mo any more than my innno and mode of thinkmgcould have donoduring thu whole course of the revolution. All the papers will , I holiuvo , bo sent to Paris ; and it Is thought , according to what I hoar , that in a short time I shall bu free God grant il ! " Carried to Vlncenncs , the duke was tried mnnmnrily by court iniirtial , sen tenced to death , ami shot in thu moat of the fortress , March " 1 , IbDl. Immedi ately bolero hi.- > execution ho asked for a pair of scissors , cut oil'a lock of his hair , wrapped it up with u gold ring and a letter in a piece of paper , and gave the paokot to ono of the iillieur.s In attend ance. Lieutenant Noirot , bogging him lo send it to the Priiiees.se Charlotte do Rolian-Rochiifort. The lieutenant for warded the pneket to his commanding olllcor , General llulin of the consular , 'iiard , who Mint it to the prefcctcnr of iioliou. Thus the duke's last wishes were not carried out. The packet wn * never forwarded lo his wife , The ( r < ! : ucHt Fll'ort oCIIIn li\fc. \ lawyer "Ah , Dobkms , how did y on come out in that cn > o you were just leglnning j ween 1 wont away ? ' ' Second lawyer "GlorioiiHly. It was a Dorfcct success. Created a grnal soimn- ion. Papers full of it. Gel lots of ad vertising out of it. I think it was tlio making of my future. " First lawytJr-Good I Glad to hoar it , old follow. 1 knew you had bttilHn you. And , by the way , What ilid they do to your client v" Second lawyer "O , they hanged him. "