Nebraska Newspapers

    THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY , SEPTEMBER 19. 18SG.-TWELVE PAGES. H
AMOXG THE \V1TS \ AND WAGS ,
A TeBekiag Symphony on tie High CTs of
Maria's Gbtttout Ball.
THE BALL PLAYER AND HIS SON.
Ditres lnc Candor of the Small Boy
"llnclisli as She Is KjK ke" A A'n-
rlcty of Pointed Pnracrapli * ,
Karc anil Kcalistic.
Strike tlie Gong.
ftomerrffle Jmtrwot
Treat-noons Is the plumber's bill ,
_ _ Jlnritu strike Uie conel
Tl - df > ct r nwlies bis jwtients 111 ,
> larin. Mrilce the conirl
In sumiofr girls dem nd ice crofi'n ,
> \ tieue'er they * : B snake tbev s ira ,
TheJr forms are &eMom wb t twpy ttwn ,
Oh I
Maria , strike the gongl
Chlcaeo feet arc very large ,
Maria , junk the gongl
The tlenti&i first learns h rw to charge ,
Maria , pull the rongl
A inothf-r-ln-law's nn awful bore ,
And though you may your wife adore
You hnte tlie old lady more and more ,
Oh !
Maria , strike the gong I
The minstrel's Jokes arc never new ,
Maria , Mrike the'ponpl
Patternphists aie Uiat way too ,
Mana , jerk the pone !
St. Ltrais rirls have blanket car's ,
"i oung widows quickly dry their tears
And tuarry again in about tw o 3 eirs ,
OhlMaria
Maria , btnke the congl
Tills song I Mng is very nice ,
Maria , Mrike ttieconi ; !
Fin sure ion want to hear it twice ,
Maria , strike the tone J
Maybe j-ou'll want it thouch 1 can't tell ,
it you don't want to say M > vtell ,
.lust go and buy a chestnut bell ,
Ann Gently jeik the
The Old Bun Player nmUIisSon.
Texas Siftings. Plunkins was a cham
pion basebnllist when the national game
first came into prominence , nigh twenty
years ago. Itoth hands are crippled up
and he has s-ome sixteen different kinds
of rheumatism , so lie doesn't go out to
see n game verv often now , but there is a
spark of the old fire left in him yet.
The other day he learned that his
youngest son , Johnny , had played hookey
from school , and , whip ii hand , he
awaiU-d the lad's return , resolved to ad
minister salutary chastisement. At length
bo caught him slipping warily into the
back yard , accompanied bv a base ball
club taller than he is.
"Aha ! " said Plunking , trying to get a
firmer grip on the rawhide with his stiff
ened fingers , "been running away from
school , have ye ? Don't want to let the
schoolmaster teach your young ideas
bow * to get Vniselves off properlv , eh ?
As the twig is bent the tree's inclined ,
but yon'rc bent on foolin1 away your
time. 1 see , and you ain't inclined to
study But if yon don't -want to be taught
at school ( spitting on his hand as he
grabs hm by the collar ) I'll teach ye. "
Johnny began to whimper and moan ,
"Can't have any fun. "
"Fun1'roared his father. "What d've
call InnV and he ; aUed his whip to
v.o.
'
"Playin' base ball. " " sobbed Johnny.
"I > ase ball ! " said Plnnkins , suspending
his arm in Uie air. "Where did you learn
to nlay base baliv"
"Oh , I know'd ever so long ago.1'
"And you belong to a niuer" The arm
dropped to his side.
"les , the'Daisv Cutters.1 And we've
been ' ' . ' Harlem. "
playin' the'H.gh-Lows'of .
"Bm it's wrong to run away from
school , Johnny. Couldn't you have put
in a suby"
"Nar.r.sub , " said Johnny , emboldened
by-seeing his father sit down on the'saw-
buck and the rawhide Iving atlus feet
"I'm short-stop. You see it was just this
way. The Higr-Lows'1 took the bat , and
Stub-toed Joe led off -with a corlnng hit
into the right field. Pinky Jones put a ilj
to centre iield , which Slit-nosed .Mitegot
tinder and muffed. "
"He muffed it , did he ? " sneered Plunk-
in ? , as he breathed hard and his eyes
began to glisten.
"l' s , but the ball split his finger. "
"Good enough. But go on.1'
"Fog-horn Pete drove a pretty one intc
left field nnd filled the bases. Freuchj
made a wild pitch and Gridiron San-
scored and the two Ilarlems advanced
x
"
bag.
"A bag ! Waal's that JM
"Oh. you ain't fly , dad. A bag's a base
don' cher Imowj"
4YesyesI might haveknovm. Goon. '
"Furgr drove ji mowing machine '
"Momng machines"
"Yes. a grass cutler abont half a fee ;
out of Slim Jim's potato grabbers , ant
the two High-Low's crossed the silver
ware. "
"The silver-vrareJ"
"Yes , tlie plate. Furgy was doubled
witn Skinny on his line uy to LitUe Ped
and Diciey Bird give tip the ghost on t
swift bounder to Piunkey. "
"PJunkeyi"
"Yes , " said the boy with a grin , "that's
mo. "
"And yon took itini" cried the father
"Out of the wet , " said thebov , placidly
"Corao to my arms , my sou ! " exclaimed
Plnnkins , springing to his feet and em
bracing him pleasantly. "I was afraic
you was foolin' away your time atschoo
and eetnn' no odication , but I seel wa :
mistaken. Why , boy , you are fit toentc :
college this very minute. Come righ
along into the house and tell about th <
rest of the game to j-our mother and me , '
and they went in together locked in :
fond embrace.
Mottoes.
Life : For a prize-lighter "Ho that J
down need fear no fall. "
For a seamstress "Be what yon seen
to be , "
For a Wall street speculator "Goc
tempers the wind to the shorn lamb. "
For the silver dollar " ! would rathe
die than bo debased. "
For the fashionable dressmaker-
"Worth overcomes ill-will. "
Fora messenger boy "He who run
may read. "
lor a negro minstrel "The bones an
for him who comes late. "
For a lover whose fiance has a glas
eye "With all thy false eve love thn
still. "
* lor a riding class "Everyone has hi
own particular habit , "
* For a boy who wishes to him out to i
dime museum "Two heads are belie
than one. "
Silent Letter Jingles.
Uiflun Courier.
A husband onre wired a large Imlfe
Ana attempted to carve up his Imiie ,
Itut the neighbors ran In ,
In tlie midst of the din ,
And succeeded In saving her kllle.
A uiaid , with expression beniim.
\ tie e dresMs , wnre costly and iign ,
Was wooed by s youth.
But she doubled hh > truUu
And to ghe him her hand did dwlign.
A maiden vras scared by a gnome.
A * she dirobed u p the Uie Mai rs to the dhoinc
Ol ihe State House one day
For a view of the lay ,
And 6ho uttered & bhriek and ran phome"
_ _ _ _ _
1 be Candorof the Small Boy.
Drake's Magazine : Tne candor of th
Email boy is occasionally very distressinj
to his fnends and relatives In the wait
Ing-room of the Buffalo depot there -wa
& Jady with a small boy , and also a be
nevnlcnt looking old gentleman , whohai
very singular protuberance on his nose
wh.c-h attracUd tlie attention c/f tbe
youth
"M liter , did God make that round lump
on vo r no f"
"llush. Johnnv , " said his mother.
" 1 ain't talking to you , ma ; 1 am talk
ing to this gentleman. "
' That's a wen on my nos , Httlc boy , "
remarked tbe gentleman , pteasaatly.
"That's what I say , when' "
"What do you mean , little ooyt" ssid
the old gentleman , losing patience jatt a
UtU .
"I want to know when God made that
Inrnp. He in tide the no1 * first and U n
twit the lamp on it afterwards , didn't be I"
"Keep qutet , Johnny. "
"But , ma , I'm not talking to von. God
had to make the no < > e fir.M before he put
the lump on it , for if he had made the
lump firM he would have no place to put
it , would hc "
"The HOse was made first , " replied the
oM man , who was a miracle of good
nutnre.
" 1 said so. God made your eves before
he put the lump onj'our nose , didn't he t" '
"Yes. "
"Then you saw God put the lump on
your nose , didn't you , or did he put it on
your nose when you was asleept"
Here the "jov's mother managed to get
him under control , but he broke out in a
fresh place.
"Are you waiting for the train ? "
"Yes , my boy. "
"You are not waiting for the train that
went off yesterday , are vou ? "
" .No , I'm not , sonny. "
" 1 thought not ; because if vou was.
you would get left. But you didn't tell
me if you saw < Jed put that lump - "
Herp his mother shoved her handker
chief in his mouth and the scene was
over.
\Vliy HcDIrtn't Dare to be n Chrl an.
St. Paul Herald ; Evangelist to a mem
ber of his congregation , who seems to be
considerably agitated : "My dear brother ,
have you ever been a Christian ? "
"No , sir. "
"Have yon errr felt any desire to join
the iirmy of the Lord ? "
"Yes , sir. "
"Won't you come out to-night and de
clare yourself as a worker in the Lord's
vineyard and set an example for your
fellow-men ? "
"I want to , but I dasn't.1
"You have been wicked , haven't you ? "
"Yes , sir. "
"Do you swear ? "
"Oh , yes , a little. "
"Well , now , my dear friend , just say
to-night , just pledge yourself to me , tnat
jou will never swear again. "
"I dasn't do it , sir. "
"What is the reason ? "
"It would interfere with my business. " '
"Interfere with your business ? "
"Yes , sir. "
"What is your business , my dear sir ? "
"Hardware , sir ; and you see this is
pntty near the time of year for putting
up stoves. "
Not a Good Plan.
Merchant Traveler : A rural teacher
was examining a new pupil in order to
tell where to place him in her classes.
The .first question she asked was :
"Have yon ever parsed any ? "
The boy looked up with considerable
surprise in his face , and after some hesi
tation he replied :
"Yes'm , but ! don't think it's er good
plan to parse , if ye've got anything big-
ger'n a jack in yer hand ter dror to. "
A Convincing Argument.
"Know dat onreligious mggar , 'Lias
Snodgrass ? " *
"Sho 'nuff. "
"Got converted de odder day. "
' "You doan mean it ! Who done it ? "
"Abolom _ Jenkins. Then 'Lias got _ ter
nrgifying , and 'Lias he says dar wa'nt no
truf in de Bible , and Absalom he eay dey
were , and finally Absalom convinced
'im. "
"Well , well. If dat doan beat all. Ter
think of 1Lias Snodgrass bein' converted !
How did Absalom 'vinee him ? "
"Wif arazzer. "
The Difference 'Twlvt Tweedledum
and Tvteedledec.
San Irancisco Post : "Oh , there's
plenty of patriotism left in the country , "
said a journalist from Indiana at the
press headquarters yesterday : "It flames
up all sorts of men on owsasion. I was
working at the polls in Indianapolis on
election day , ItiSO. The fight between
the Garfield men and the Hancock men
was IIOTS I tell you. A venerable man ,
one of our best citizens , rushed up to me
late in the afternoon , pale and agitated ,
and cried out :
" 'Brother Thompson , the other side
are buying Totes buying tbemJ'
" 'You don't say &o , ' I answered. 'How
much are they riving ? '
" 'Three dollars , the infamous sconn-
arels1 !
" 'Well , ' I answered , 'we're giving
lour dollars. '
" 'Sure ; and we'll raise * em out of theii
boots , no matter how high they go. '
"Tears came into the aged eyes , and in
a trembling voice ho sajd :
" 'Thank God , the cause of good gov
ernment is safe. ' "
Her Answer.
licHton Courier.
1 asVed for her hand and
She mnrinured "Ou , my ! "
And cave me a ciuile fioin
Her love-swimming eye.
She cave me herhand , while
Care.s injr berjioodle ,
And said , "I am yours , bir ,
If you' * e cot the boodle. "
The Champion Grand Army Liar.
San Francisco Wasp : * 'I suppose yoi
were in the war , comrade ? " said a prom
inent Market street dry goods clerk a ;
ho sat down again at a 'post" bnnque :
after telling a lew select war incident :
with great applause.
"Oh , yes , " remarked his neighbor , whc
had industriously been putting away Ihc
shrimp salad and champagne during the
stwcch-maklng. " 1 was a member of th (
Mich.gan . 'Big Foots. ' "
"What that "
regiment was !
"Why , tlie Forty-fourth Michigan rcgi
ment , you know. The men were selectee
exclusively on account of their bi < r feet
1 wear No. 2G's myself. "
"Do , eh ? "
"Yes. You see the peculiarity of om
fellows was they had such big feet thei
couldn't fall down when they were shot
Alter an action the officers went rouuc
calling tne roll. When a man didn't an
ewer they knew he had been promoted t <
a fairer world , a happier land than ours
so they just dug a grave right behint
him , flopped him over with a pole ant
filled him in. "
And solemnly handing their badge !
over to the champion incidenter tn <
members put out their camp-fire uut
went home.
Plagiarism.
Arkansaw Traveler : "What was tha
tall negro boy put in for ? " asked a vis
itor , addressing an official at tlie peni
tentiary.
"Plagiarism. "
"What ! Plagiarism } "
"t'es.sir. "
"That is indeed strange. Is such ai
offoiise punishable in this * tate ? "
"Seems to be. That fellow was sent u ]
for two years. "
"Tell me something about hU crime. '
' 'Well , he went into a public librar
and stole an armful of books. "
"Yes , but does that constitute pla
giarismJ"
"Of course , for Is not that fellow a lit
erary thief ! " _
Read j for Any Emerceacy *
Buffalo Commercial * A Buflalo ma :
went to consult a lawyer , and when read ;
to c > } > < n un the business that brought h.m
he"Fifteen year ? ago I was appointed the
guardian of a girl fix years old. "
" 1 see , aad she Imd proiMrtyt"
"Yes- she had f 10,009. "
"Ah , ha' "
"And 1 have had tbe handling of it , of
course. "
"Of conrse 1 see cx&etly. And she
is now of ase and wants a settlement.
Exactly exactly. You have awd up the
citato and want to know wh t to do Ex
actly exactly. My advice is to marry
the girl. In case she won't marry you
I'll sell you ? 30K ( worth of worthies ?
bonds for S5 , and vou can show 'em to
prove wheremo t of the money went.
Exactly just so fee 89. , ,
"You are n leetle too fast , " remarked
the citizen , as he hitched around in his
chair. "The pal's fortune has increased
to $ G * > W > . ana she's going to be married
to-morrow. I cami- here to have you
make out the papers turning everything
over to her nnd releasing me. "
"Ah urn ! " growled the disappointed
lawer. "I see cxaoUy ; fix you in ten
minute ; ; fee 15.
i ao.Slie 1 $ Spoke.
Tlx Judpc.
There was a youns : woman of Worcester ,
Who never oould think what indoreester
To blush and look shy
When her lover was nich ,
As if his mere presence conforcester.
A noodle who never can lauch
\Vhen his friends K'VC ' him innocent chaugh
Should t > e sent out to erass ,
That all who tuny pass
Can see he's no more than a cauch.
There was an old man with a queue ,
Vrhose relatives made a to-dneoe
Because of his hair ,
But he bade them beware ,
For In future he meant to wear tuouc.
There was a younc man with a cheque ,
He mnde it by scooping the deque ,
When R'.ked if he cared
How the poor Irish fared ,
He promptly re ; < lied. " .Not & sj > eque , "
Not That Rind or n Man.
Ponsonbv Owes vou two and a half ,
does he ? That will bo all right.
Atlantic City hotel man But it ain't
all right. I want to know who he is.
Ponsouby ( with empress-emeu ! I That
is Arthur de Twirliger. one of the creme
de la creme of Philadelphia society.
Hotel man ( with sarcasm I Wen , from
the slick way he zrot away after break
fast , I didn't know but what he might be
one of the butter oe la butter.
Tlio Tender Sollcltudeof a I > cnr"\Vifc.
Charley. I want to ask you to do
something for my sake , " said young Mrs.
Tucker. "You Know you are very dear
to me and 1 am always afraid something
is going to happen to you. 1 saw in the
newspaper that some men take their soda
water with a stick in it. I'm sure 1 don't
see how that makes it any better , but 1 do
hope that if vou take yours that way
vou'll be careful not to swallow the stict.
It would be sure to choKe you to death.
Yon will be careful , won't you , Charley ? "
Vo More Pun For ihe
" bad " exclaimed the
"Too ! plethoric
passenger , looking up from his news
paper.
"What's too bad ? " asked the hatchet-
faced passenger , sympathetically.
"Why , it's too bad that the innocent
pleasures of youth arc being ruthlessly
swept away in the tlrtal wave of official
interference. "
"Eh ? What have ther been doingnow
to these innocent little ones ? "
' It makes my blood boil to think of it.
A dear little boy in Iowa was recentlj
f-ent up for giving his dog a benzine bath
and drying him off with a match. " '
Kissed uy Soft Air .
The Rambler : A beautiful West Side
girl sat upon the piazza of her father's
brown-stone front with all modern im
provements , including hot and cold gas
in everv room. The piazza was shaded
by thicldy growing vines , through which
tne m onsnone with refulgent rays , for
it had been full for several nights. Beside
her ws yonnp Clay Pendleton Buford ,
only > n of Colonel 'Buford , one of Ihe
wealthiest cigar planters of Yinrinia.
"How sweet the night is ! " .she murmured.
"and how I love to sit here and be kissed
by the soft airs from the south ! " A sound
as of a drove of cows meandering througi
n swamp smote the evening stillness , anc
when the fair but Y\ est hide girl recov
ered consciousness she realized that shd
had been kissed , actually kissed by a
man. Her whole nature rebelled againsi
the deed , and with her face aglow ant
flashing eyes she bestowed upon him the
bitter , satirical rebuke : "You ought to
be ashamed of yours-elL" "How could 3
help it ? " rejoined the voung Virginian
"Am I not a soft heir trom the south ? "
She admitted that he was.
He Had All Kinds of Political Drints
Kentucky State Journal : They were
standing in front of u bar.
"What'll you have ? " said the bar
keeper to one
"A democratic drink. "
"What'll you have ? " he said to thi
second.
"Til take a republican drink. "
"German or English ? "
"German. "
He had set before him beer.
"And what'll x-ou have ? " he asked o
the third.
"G otany mugwump drink ? "
And he set before him a mixture o
beer and whisky. He took it down ,
saying _ :
"This is what tbe president drinks. "
One Simple I-.ii tie Request.
Somervitle Journal : "Well , darling , .
have come to say good-by for a little
while , " said young Ferguson , sadlv , look
ing into his Mabel's eyes. "To saj
.good-byi" repeated Slabel , wonderingly
"Why , Archie , where are you going ? '
' Only to New York , dear , " said tht
young man , clasping her closer as h (
spoke. "Just a little business trip , you
know ; I shall be back " "Oh , Archie ! '
Interrupted tlie young pirl impulsively
"Ar you really going to New York
Keally and truly , Archie ? " "Whv , yes
of course I am , my child ; why shouldn'
JJ Is them anvthing so strange abou
that ? " "Ob , I am so glad ! Now , Archie
won't yon do me one little favor while
you are there ? Something I want vou U
do so much , tor my sake. " "Why , o
course I will , my darling ; there is noth
ing 1 would not do for your sake ; yoni
slightest wish is a command lo me ; tel
mo what it is , and I will do it before ]
attend to anj-thing else ; what is it yet
want me to do. my child * " "You are sc
ood. Archie , " said the girl , tenderly
while her voice sank to a whisper , "anc
1 have set my heart on it , too. 1 wan
you lo jump off the Brooklyn bridge , "
Cloilnc Week of ihe "Wild West" a
Rrastina , btaten Island.
New Yore Mercury : Philanthropy Jia.
been combined with business alibis pros
pcrous Indian encampment , and severa
thousand orphan and indigent childrer
of thiscity and neighborhood have beer
instructively entertained during trie pas
week as the special guests of Buffalo Bil
and Nate Salsbury" The season her <
will close in a fortnight , and then the
entire show , it is likely , will be placec
under cover in this city for the winter
Last Friday a contract was signed it
Ixmdon whereby six acres of space it
the American inhibition in the Britisl
metropolis has been secured for nex1
summer , beginning May 2. The encage
inent will be for six months. The entire
organisation , including one hundred nnc
fifty Indians , fifty cowboys and theii
horses , ponies and mules , besides buffalo
elk , nnuJope , deer and Texas steers , it
addition to the grand stands , stables
tents and paraphernalia , will bo trans
ported at a cost of $103,000. The bctasoi
at Erastina has averaged 2GC&3 daily ris
itors and 3,003 tickets were sold &l tvi
performances of July 5.
BY TWILIGHT.
t wo dream Uiat desire of tbe distance
above us
SaflaW be fettered by fo&r of the shadows
that seem ,
f we wake , to be noncfct bat to hate er to
love cs
If we dream ,
Night pink ? on the foal , and tbe stars as
they float * ]
Speak meaaefc or HMwrnlnc. with tonr s
to repttn c us ,
That we dermed of thoza better than terror
may deem.
3atif hope raay not lure ns. It fear may not
im ve us ,
Thoncht likens tbe darkness wherein Uie
Pare presence of death shall assare us and
prove us
usIf we dreara.
HO.VKV FOli THU LADIES.
Spanish lace Is to be restored to favor.
Cloth of cdW lias Jenels set In thcojnbrol-
dery.
Capes and collars are mode of macrame in
heavy silk.
Chantllly lare has heavy threads outlining
the pattern.
Beits are of bended silk and satin and of
statnied leather.
Turnover collars are a new feature in man
tles and coMumes.
Vests of surah will ba worn with winter
costumes of cloth.
Draperies arc long and full ana have no
looplne at the buck.
Grenadine ribbons have brocaded designs ,
outlined by beads.
Plaid velvet will be used In combination
for handsome costumes.
Tulle lD5 < a 1 * usad for veils. It is to be
had In fashionanle colors.
Velvet bonnets are embroidered with
beads or self-colored silk.
Fruits and vecetables are In the ascendant
for bonnet and hat trimmings.
Jackets of brown or nnvy blue boucle cloth
are tlie favorites for cool days.
Vests and ulastrons are ol beads , passe
menterie ami colored cra { > e.
Velvet skirts have the bodice and over
drew ol wool , with velvet neees'Kiries.
Silver caloon and ombroldpry are much
used for trimminc nuttimn millinery.
Pocket handkerchiefs of sheer fine batlstio
have borders of delicate drawn woik.
r Mrs. Frank Leslie savs < ; he lives the life of
aman without a man's enjovment
Wide-meshed tulle introduced in the spring
will be worn over skirts of silk or plush.
BFolk jackets will remain in favor , and Ions
cloaks of cheviot In licht colors will be worn.
iselva Loekwood can't see anythinc wrong
In her riding a bicycle. But others mat-
see it.
Bodices -pointed in front , short over the
hipsand with iMatillJon bacts , are in high
favor.
Checks are still worn nnd are penernlly ar-
ranct'd oxer plain bklrts ot the color of one
of Uie checks
A Canadian creat-crandfather recently
was present at tlie christening ot his one
nundred and seventeenth descendant.
The yonnc ladies ot a church at Three
Elvers , Mich. , lirfd a pamtlnc bee. during
which they 7 > ainted Uie interior of the church.
Miss Harriet E. Colfax. a cousin of the late
Sehuyler Colfax , is. and has been for twenty-
five years , keeper of the lighthouse at Michi
gan City.
Miss Oelrichs. a Xew York beauty now vis
ting Invernesshlre , recently shot a larire
stag Uironch the heart , killing it instantly.
It as her nrit shot at game of that sue ,
' ilark my word for it , " said an elderlv
lady of Brockland , X. Y. , there's coing to be
a war. All these boy babies that 1m e been
coming along lately mean something. " '
The Princess Louise complains iiiat she
cannot make her allowance of SSO.OJD meet
her expenses. The princess ve fear , will
liave to swear off on smoking cigarettes.
"Mv de-ar , " said Mrs. Snasrcs lo her hus
band , "what is a canard ? " "Why , a canard
is some'Uiinsonec.T.nardIy believe , of course. "
"Oh. to be sure ! Wny couldn't i think of
that ? "
Lady fin"dry goods sfore ) " 1 will look at
your mateiial for towels. " Clerk ( recently
transferred from the dress coodsdepartment )
"Yes , ma'am ; bomethins that won't show
din ? "
We have a peed ipany rising young men in
this country , but PomeTiow yon don't notice
them in tbe crowded nurse car unless the
woman who wants 10 get on has moie than
an ordinary share of youtn and beauty.
Knte Field MVS that women hear with
their eyes. We reckon that Kate is right.
When & number of "women are conversing at
Uiesaine time itis all tliat any one of tneui
can do with her ears to hear herself talk.
Tarn o'Shantercaps aad turbans are tr.e lead
ing shapes at tlie French watering places.
Let any but lovely young faces beware of Uie
formeir shape , for wiille enhancing vouthful
beaurr , it accentuates the commonplace and
plain. '
A London naper says : -understand that
the accouchement of the Princess Beatrice ,
which was expected for Xovember , will not
take place. " The postponement of an event
abont which so reasonable a certainty is
clustered is doabtless unavoidable.
Paris cloaks forautunin wear are of coarse
wool , striped with colored cables , chains or
lines. Ileseda and ecru , purple and pigeon
gray , dark red and blue , are some of Uie com
binations. These cloaks are lined with silk
the color of tbe ground , and are trimmed
with ribbons to correspond.
Jackets will be worn with tailor-made cos
tumes. These jackets are fastened in a va
riety of ways ; someUines with a double row
of buttons curving from right to left : again
with a single reverie nnd three large buttons
from the bust to the waist line , or they have
waistcoats or revers of velvet.
ManUes for autumn wear show no markesd
changes in design fram those worn in the
spring. There is mncn latitude in the mailer
of fronts ; they maj tm longer snort , pointed.
round or square , according to the fancy oi
tbe wearer. Generally the backs are longer
and narrower tluin those ot the spring
IE an ties.
A costume of gray cloth has Uie front ol
the skirt crenneJlated , showing bc-neatti it
the foundation skirt of acajouelvet , Fioin
thebipstn the knee ball buttons of gray pearl
ouUine the seams , producing a very novel
effect. Tun back draperies are long and full ,
being caucht up high on one side to show the
velvet stilt. Ijong loops and ends ot the
velvet depend Irom Uie waist almost to Uie
bottom ol ihe skirt. The bodice is round in
front and has straignt bands of the velvet
ouUininffUio vet , across which from the
bust to the waist line narrow bands of the
velvet are fastened with tiny azratles.
It is said Queen Victoria can wash and
dress a baby wuh any woman , and can pen-
wallv diagnose the trouble when a child
cries. The queen's skill In babv nursing was
acquired from the famous Mrs , Lilly , who at
tended her mal sty nt Uie birth of the nine
royal children. This excellent person u as a
creat favorite with the que n , uho houoied
her with her conndence upon tha ino t deli
cate matters. When Mrs. Lilly dM , in her
ninety-second year , her majesty mmllticu-dh
crievt > d , feeling she had lost a true friend.
The old nurse to the lust proved worUiv of
her mistress' confidence.
COXNUBIAljlTlES.
Baron de Worms , a conspicuous man of the
Jlebiew lalUi , is to take us a wifeaxeuUe
woman of Uuclnnd.
A man cjuue to Dunnque , In. all tlie way
from Germanv to uitntsas the marriage o :
his brother. Three days after he started on
hU return journey ,
r James Connor , of Worcester , Mass. , mar
ried Miss Xellio Jordan , a prominent youns
lady , while on her death bed.
Miss Van Ywhten , whom Mrs , Grundr
spoke of at one time in tlie same breath that
mentioned tlie u hite hon > e , is soon to return
Irom Eurojte to marry Justice Gray.
Standing before a clergyman who was
atttut to marry hiin.a rustic was asked , "Wilt
tnoa have this woman ! " etc. The man
Atartod lu surprise and replied , "Ay , surely.
Whey , 1 tuinincd a puppus. "
A young Atlantaoonple went to "Westmin
ister , S. C. , Wednesday , were married and
returned to Atlanta the same evening. The
inarriajre U not to take effect for two jears
and all concerned in it are bound to secrecy.
The marriage of Professor George Huiit-
ington Williams , of John ! Hopkins univtr-
sity-to Miss Mary Clifton Wood , daughter of
the Hon. D. P , Wool , of Syracuse toot place
at St Paul's cathedral , Syracuse Wednesday
evening , September li.
A couple who deired a peculiar kind ot
marriage got It on Tuesday , on the line of the
Lake Krie < fc Wtsstern railroad , at Lafayette ,
Jnd. The bride stood on one ride ol the line ,
la Ohio , and tlie groom on tbe Indiana Mile ,
xn obliging ituiusltr it xd : \ lUi one of his
feet on either fede ( jf Uie u \ idmx une , and H
mav yet tftke a Utvoroe lilal to dcteriua o ,
wnetbtrUiemaiTjaije took place in Ohio or
n Indiana.
A farmw named UUwtes of Tompfclm
wotity. X. Y. , whosenlrinwi ywwold d c * > -
-w enraccd to Fred Coutiint , l o a
farmer , found the two talking tofrtJier IB a
vflhire store. The dtnchter refused t *
eotiiiwiny her lather btwm , and he started tti
iw -Utj > hetr. C uUtit tiiU-rfwrt < d , tei rd
lh u hip and t roKe it in t > k e * < . Tb young
woman went to tbe Imuw of an aunt near by
and wits untried to Content.
A marriage ha * been arraazed Ix'twewi the
[ Hmn Louis de Laersuire Mid Miss Carrel ,
dtnghter of ex-'tovernor Carroll , of M rv-
land. Mis * Carroll is a Mt of MrCfiKm. .
of Baltimore , who e three daa.htors hnve
become the dwlwss of Lwds , the Mmthlon-
oss V > > llfk-y aud Lidx Station ! . The wed
ding will be an iinj > ortaiit social event of the
feaon , ana ainonc the pm ts tt ill lw wt re-
fnutives uf the Icadinc Fiench and English
aristocratic families.
Ten days ago Mr. Charles B Boynton , of
the IVehardson V Boynton company. n t
MK < llattie UonW. the prettv hoiwkeep-r of
the llotol Brighton , at Long Brunch. He
prono'.e > il and was n.ocei > t < l. and the pair
were murrlod on AN ivine-sday. The bride ,
who is about twenty-five years old. U a tall
eomelv. w ell-edticntod brunelt * from Mnssa-
chuseits. She was left a handsome inhent-
ance by her father , but lost It all throuch the
perfidy of her miardian. The groom is about
forty year * old. He Is a widower nnd has
one s < " > a. Ills love , courtship and mnrrlare
followed one anoUier so quickly that but few
persons knew of Im engagement
A young man of Baltimore went we t sev
eral vears ago and corresponded rarularly
with * n elderly lady fiiend In Washingum.
Alioui six months ago he wrote that he'd cet
married now If ho laiew a nice girl that
would haw him. "There's a chance lor you , "
said the l ciy. laughlnc , to her niece , when
she rewired the letter. "Tell him to write
to inc. " said the vouug woman , aKo laugh
ing. The aunt did so. thfi young man wrote.
Uie young woman ans\\eml Uie letter , and
the result of tbe'oorrespondence that followed
WAS a nedding last week between the jouni :
folks who , until few days before , had never
seen one another. Their fiiends say they
both have done welL
Write Jlls Card.
"Go to 1 go to ! " our Sedgwick cries ,
Wavdown in Mexico ;
"The paiiers lie about that toot ,
It's moonshine , don't you know. "
So Arthur says and we nccept ,
Although it cives us pain :
Because from all reixjrts at hand
We thought it was champagne ,
And chnmnscnc. everybody knows ,
Is to its duty true ;
While "moonshine" always ; hts against
Internal Kexenue
Thus Sedirwick by an overt act
Exhibits disrecard
Of law and order Arthur G.
Had better write a card.
1'EPPKK.XIINT IJROPS.
Where are all the bad actors ? "Read the
answerln the stars. "
SomeUiIng lingerinc Potighnuts , when
one lunches in a hurry. Burlington Fiee
Press.
Speaking of farming nobody ever heard
of a hen eouiplaluinc of a jioor crop. New
Hnven News.
We hare in our office Ihe identical um
brella that was used during Ihu reitn of
Caisar. National Weekly.
It's pretty hard luck. In summer we have
horseflies , nnd then again in winter snow-
flies. { Burlington Free Press.
There is nothing sweeter than kisses , ex
cepting when yon look in through the win
dow and see anoUier fellow getting them.
The cable announces that there is cliolern
in Bologna. What of it ? There is also
cholera in a litUe green aj-ple. - [ New Haven
Morning News.
A Denver paper devotes twrntv-fonr col
umns ol space to a neero murderer who was
baiicea there last week. Tne sheriff let him
off with a single line.
"Cat-tails boiled for ten minutes won't
drop ofl , " says a florist , but won't the cats
object to waitins. while they aie being boiled ?
New Haven News.
Mrs. Liet > enstein "Ifaac ! Oh , fiaac ! Tell
him to brine der botUe of beer in j on o' deiu
fancv vine coolers , der Isenheimer's vos sit-
tins'der next tahle miL"
A New Tork theatre has in preparation a
piny entitled "The Bandit of Wall Street" It
is not stated whether Mr. Gould will sue out
an action lor libeL f Boston Transcript.
A storekeeper in Boston has put a drum in
his window to which Is attache-d a card with
the price Urns : "Fitty-nve cents only ! Beat
this. " .ah ! there's wheielhe stick comes in.
"How can a worthy youivg man get a start
in life1 This ofi-repsated question weaiies
us. We are able to Unnt of nothing at pres
ent that gets awayttith the old-fashioned
bent pin. { Burlington Tree Press.
The personalities of Kansas journalism
reached a climaxla t week , when a brother
heatedly advised a loathsome contemporary
to heep uls shirt on , and subsequently ascer
tained to his horror that the contemporary
was a woman.
"What is a dead center ? " asked Mrs. Fan-
gle , looking up from an article in which that
lermoccuned , "I think a deceased rat be
tween Uie joists is a dead scenter , " replied
Fangle , who had , not long before , succeeded
in pryine one out of such a position.
" 1 Uilnk. Charlie , ' ' said Mrs. Smallface to
her vouthlnl , "that I shall put you into long
trousers verj-f-oon. " "But not unttl after
Christina" , ma. " "Why not ? " "Oh , because
you know , ma , I shall have to get into short
steickings , and tney don't hold much. "
Student "Well , we tieated the jiatlent In
the most approved way. " Doctor "How ! "
btudent "Well , we put him on milk diet :
then he wai put on wine ; Uieu we put him
on electrical treatment ; then we put him on
quinine " Doctor "You will put him on
ice. " [ Hotel -MaiL
A sovereign prince on his travels when
passing through a village , expres d to ihe
native magistrate his astonishment nt weiug
so many of the children runnln , ' almui with
bare Iwt "Ach , 3'our highness , " leplied
the worthy official , "that s tne way with the
children hereabouts ; they are all born so. "
"Children , " said a Dakota school teacher ,
"from the noise outside 1 think a dog tight
is going on. You are all eicused , and may
go out and waU-h it. Don't get in a
hurry here : it will look better to let your
teacher go nvst ! " and he shot out of the door
followed by a Mild rush of the scholars.
[ Esielline Bell.
A Mamo man proposes to jump from a bal
loon nfty feet above the Brooklyn bridge wiUi
thiite > en pounds of iron attached to his feet.
If he will Michll ) change his programme and
jump from his balloon 5'JO feet above terra
lirma , immediately over a pile ol rocks , all
will be forgiven , and there will be onelool
less in the world.
SING CLARITIES.
Jay Jackson of Cavour , D. T. , while out
hunting , killed eighteen wild ducks at three
shots.
Men employed In slnkin : a well at Cole-
man. , found a live fro ; Imbedded In the earth
6 > 5 feel below the surface.
An carle has astonished the neople of Mvs-
ticConn. , by appearing in the sky wlUi a
bell about its neck tinkling merrily.
C. W. Jones , of Hichlaud , Mich. , has a 055-
] iound Poland-China hoi nt the Iowa state
lair. The animal Is tifirht left long and a
yard wide.
Hiram Southward , of Fairfax , Vt. , has a
curiosity In a chicken with twelve toes , and
he has a squash that measuies tix feet in cir-
cumfereiice.
Near Del Mar can be &r > en the rarest tree ,
.probably , in Uie world. This Is the Pinu
Towyana , which ha never been found any
where outside of San Dieso countv , and onfj
within a limited urea here. San Diego ( Cat ;
Union.
The Bengal tlcress Cleopatra rave birth to
lure * cubs In Central Park menagerie , New
York , on Sunday. Two of them , females ,
were boru dead , and the third , a male , which
la jery feeble , u , being l-d with cow's mill ;
from abotUe. This is Uie first tiger ever
born alive In the paik.
r Senator Stanford of California has a parrot
which cost him 6"ven hundred dollars and is
a wonderfully educated bird. It speaks foui
languages Endish , French , German and
Italian. The strange pait of It is that the
parrot , as soon as bears any ona s ] ak ,
knows in what language to adore * * the per-
bOU.
Not the Hired Girl.
Orerhe rd in a street car : "J tried to
kiss toy wife at the front door to-night as
I was leaving home , and , do you know.
6be wouldn't let me. She said she didn't
want the neighbors to be taking her for
the hired cirL"
THE CHESTNUT MAN.
Bvftit" } 11 * * * .
Oh h Tr a Sow York oimMnat an ,
Wiili nr T H Mini 10 save ,
llejmbfcpd his pen and rrinwd wfch
TM he ( trew < * xeedint : crtv * .
As h * cfttnriy rtiwwd the Itwn nut ,
And jw * rrt it < KttvM wltti mm.
A m li wf ib I > M : tt d *
He s t iita a > > i ny air
He wtt t * of the tnbrtiiy Brooklyn taMtft ,
TutCoirnipt irlrl o wat * .
Who iamj e < ! f * fir t iw the river kp ,
Ana tirt l th * tWa )
Thev tool ; him ont < the SUB CAM * up ,
Thi * funny younic BUB e ne wrear ,
And t-be ) s rt turn deftd without a tear ,
Al stroke of toe- chestnut coup.
MUSICAL AND DllAMATlC.
KM Goodwin 1ms miide a hit in N > w York
as Jack Shcppurrt.
The Milton Aborn 0 | > wa c-ompnay lately
dKbandwt Hi Norfolk , Va.
It is definitely setUM Umt Mr.T. W. Kwsne
will not act during the coming sewson.
.launch will not vi lt Aror ! \ before Jan
uary , snd possibly not nt all this jear.
Mine Janmtx-ht-k announce * that tin * will
poMtnely be her lust season on the American
MUgP.
About fiftv members of WilMin Barrett's
wmpnnv will sail Irora Liverpool by Uie
Wyoming on tbe 30th.
Ben Scott , of Scribner t Clement's circus
fell from n trapeze U untie n rweut pe'riorm-
buceand was seriously injured.
Ella i fen , the variety actress. wlw shot
lier husb.ind at Leavenworth , Kan. , recently ,
Is now nursing luui back to recovery.
Edmund K. Collier's stellar tonr In New
England Is very successlul , especially his
vigorous revival -Metauiora. . "
Richard Mansfield comes naturally by his
vocal pitta. His mother was the oelobratod
prim a donna , Madame Rudersdorfl.
Hose Levere is studying Uie tiart of Par-
Uieuia lu "lucouiar. " blie will mate It a
feature in hercomlng starrlnc tour.
Minnie Hauk ha < ; sung forty-one different
oi > eras In thiuediffuient languages , but she
can Wow up her husband In more languages
than that
Under the Utla of "My Courier. " Richard
Mansfield1 * . " 1'rinee Karl" was lately pro-
dured at the Comedy theater , Manchester ,
En eland , and failed.
A Cincinnati caper says that a newspaper
deadhead is a man who civet twenty dollars'
worth of free reading ndvertteeiueuts in ex
change for eacti seat received.
Dolores An drade Is the name of a new
Mexican prnna donna vho has made her ap
pearance at Guadalajara , and w ho is exjtK-t-
ed to cieate n sensation in the mus-ical world.
Miss , Adele Belrarde returned from her
European tour last Friday , and will com
mence her aniline season at Erie , Pa. , a
week hence as the heroine ot McDouoush's
"Siberia. "
Adelina Specht , the once famous prima
donna , who was mentioned by Dumas in
"Monte Chrlsto , * " and when in her prime
proved to be a formidable rival of Malibran ,
diedr cenUv in France.
Last Sunday nicht , at Milwaukee , Miss
Wamwright was compelled to play Portia , in
"The Merchant of A'eniee" in modem cos
tume , the trunks containing her wardrobe
hai inc been checked to St. 1'aul by mistake.
During a recent parade of Forepaugh's
circus in Kingston , Canada. , n wagon eoii-
tainineaden of lions was overturned and
tlie toil of the den dropped oft. A hrehnd to
be built arouiid the cage to beep tlie lions in
until repair * were made , and then the wagon
was righted by tlie aid of two elephants.
Mile Airaee has commenced her tour under
the direct 1011 of Simmonds & Brown with
notable success and is announced to Inaugu
rate the regular season at tlie Union Square
theater on the 20th as the heroine of
"Mam'zelle. " Mile , Aiuiee will produce her
new coined v , "Marita , " at this house on the
27th.
27th.Nearly
Nearly all actors and actresses are suner-
stltious , and it is said Sarah Beinhardt be
lieves that touching the Moulder of a hump
back peison brings peed luck , while Paul
will not Min a contract on a Tuesday , Danc
ers , especially Italians , rarely appear before
the footlinhtb without makins tne symbols of
thecro- and repeating : "In tome il Padre ,
il Fillio , e Santo Sfiirlto. "
IMPIETIES.
The only fruit crop that did notpnnc a
success in the Garden of Eden : The early
A mouse weut into an Arlstook Sunday
sctiool and the superintendent miocUed him
down and killed him with a bible ,
One Lutheran fliissionary andlCO.OOD cal
lous of Hew England rum wese recently sent
IV the Coniro islands iri the same ship.
It is said that everybody in the town of
Yakutsk. Siberia , sets drunk on New Year's
oay , the bishop Milernnly settinc the example ,
The late Archbishop of Canterbury once
remonstrated with a celebrated Parocefor
vvorshippinc the sun. "Alii your irrace , "
was tlie iciily , you should tee it once" a
pretty treed hit at English for ; and prejudice.
Near Christ's church cathedral , there is a
locality known as "ilell. " Some time aw
an advertisement appeared in a Dublin
newspaper under the head ot lodgings :
"Lodcinps in Hell ; well suited lor lawyers.
Apply , " etc. , etc.
George Washington's bible Is owned in
Philadelphia. Though he carried it all
through iiis campaign it is not injured iuside ,
the leaves are not doz-earcd , nor the margins
nun ked , and il doesn't look as if it was ever
ued at alL This shows what a remarkably
neat man George Washington was.
An orthodox preacher in Storm Lakejowa ,
thinks that tlie Umversalist preacher of the
same place is objectionable. So he prayed
the other day in church that thu Loid
would either change the heart of tlie Uni-
versalist or kill him. Storm Lake citizens
are watching him closely and curiously.
A St. Paul clergyman is reported as saying
Uiat U Jesus Christ "run a carpenter t > hon
here in this city there are lully one-half of
our church members who drive up to their
t-nurclies in their line carriages would not
sj > eak to him. He could not get a social re
cognition unless he lived on Summit avenue
or belonged to a dub.1"
A Christian clergyman went to nn
orthodox synagogue with a Jewish iriend.
He listened to the congregation chanting ,
"Mizmar L "David" with usual con negation at
discord , and was told by his Jewish friend
that It was sung * to the hame tune in
the. days of David. "Ah ! " said the clergy
man with a Mgh of relief , "that accounts lor
it. 1 have often wondered why Saul threw
Jus javelin at David. "
Richmond lU-llglous Herald : A fieewill
Baptist from the north came south , and toe
ing a church building , he asked a colon-it
man what kind oi a church U wax He
promptly lephod : 'latisdcBapti 'chuich. "
The iioi theruer asked : "What sort of Bap
tist the fieewill or the other ? " The ne.-ro
replied : "Idunno about de freewill Baptis'
church. 1 specs dey is selfnill Baptises. "
Ah , how many of tne e ' 'sellwill Bajaii-ts. "
there aioJ
Hehrew Standard : A pious western rnbbl
entered a saloon not , lougaco , and to his iii-
nnitn fciirpiisa and uuspe-atzable luortitication
discovered his parnass t > eaUxl at a card table
indulging in the wicked game of euchre or
Mmbbas. He remonbtrated with him and be
left the place : and lookinc nt the vacant
chair at the table he noted that his paruass
had left a very prmniMnK hand , and &u he bat
down and finished it and raked in the pot.
Thus is virtue.
A fe < v eve nines ago at a dinner party in
Middletown a clergyman wa" * seated tietwfeu
two ladies. One oi tlie laduu no'.iced that
the reverend gentleman was wime hat nb-
strtrtod in his manner , and In asottoxoce
asked him if he was , not feeling well. The
clergyman replied that he was somewhat
alarmed about his health and was afinid of a
Mrokenf paralysis. He htid : " 1'te bean
Iiinchiug iu > leg ever ftiiioc 1 &at down to the
table and there Is not a particle ol feeing in
it" The lady told him not to be ulinuod at
all , us it was bar leg Jie had been ] > inchiiig.
Tlie dominie lmuibdiattly rt3fo\ered his
health.
ItKLIGlOUS.
The Church of iome ! has dbdarod Itself
potiuvejy ugninst cremation ,
A. unanimous call h&s baen ttxlejidod to
llev. Oiiaries C , Pierte , ol Lincoln , Nub. , by
the coiigrf-gaUon of the Third liapti&t ehvreti ,
of Geruiautown , at a salary of El.wjO j * r uu-
uum.
It is rumored In Catholic circles that Lee
X11I h&s formally given irinision to a ivdl
knowu English peer to 5ena his sous to Ox
ford orCauibndgenuy utteranctis of tlie English -
lish Catliolic epibcopau ) tioUt itiistandmc.
Ilev. Duncan L. Jerome , an c'Viin Kt WIKI
"i recently .ent
CK > : I i1r I ' has
j'line. ' t'nM" ' ft * ' < f ' < in
[ > < i > xho a woman , Mis. Ma.t.o ns
L"hn t inrnrnat * .
. > , t c
Urre t in the I nttH stuVs , i\\ iwo < l
wo iail < we * ! of Hultimorc , lt i' " > t ws
SW , < KIH. The hcMtj--mter * of theoMir itid
b remo > * i ti.itlwr Iron \\et ll ; > L > Kt ' . „
1 bf convention brtwwn the pa'-A % il
tb i rii r of Mon ni-ero , for the I ' t . .t-n
of the llooinn Caiiiolu's of tlmt i- i kti
of tti "ir rells < n. was M , I ! nt
. . toiS.
. . wlio , in rm ciiltl < n. rave frl CJ , t j the
poor of Home.
The Catholic Itevw-w announces a tuw
translation of the bible Into the S a'tunn
lanenaee by a Slavonian prift of Pnuuc , It
1 * to I * put lis > JK d at tlweici > ense uf a fc.iivon
Ian dw n and r il ' . l , who ha mun V KX )
florin * for tirt'imriHW in rratitude tJ l oa
for sparing him to celrlirnte hi * Julmcc of
Jiftv yuan. In tl * i > rl sUiood. A copj is1 to be >
given lo every Slavonian parish aiid convent
rburrh.
Afxvtillnc to B tW < - pnWIshod In L > n Ion ,
whieh.the Uhim-hinnn saysma } l > ev.eK1uuia
upon a sulliriently accurate , the nuiuer al
strength of tht > lending re-ligli us IKK ! ia
ainonc nil Knclisb-speakine t > eope ! throiuh-
out t'ie ' Mctrlfl U follows : . Concn all nnl-
Kt * . 6-0.iiO. > : Baptist * ot all do npl.ons
SIH .O.M : Pr ! sbytonan i of devript oil * , IJ-
G.XUW ; Methodists of nlldi'scriptiotis , 10 , ( > JO ,
( KXt ; KplsOOl-fUisns. 2lV" ! ! ( > , ( Kl. )
Chnitlaln 11 W. Brady , who died nt Forl
lus { < 5e"ll , Wyo. . Thursday , wns \eteran
minister in the Methodist chtmh. During
the war he was n member of the Ohio center-
enee w hen he w.is appointed cliaplaln of the
180th OMo reciment. Durlnir the engage
ments jinmnd Winclicst r he took n musket
nnd wont into battle , and was captniod and
taken to Libhv prison where he wa confined
leir nine months. At the close ot Uievarbe
Joined the Iowa conference and In 1KSJ he
was appointed to a post chaplaincy by Presi
dent Arthur.
EDUCATIONAL.
The funds of Yale college have been in
creased $2WU ( > In live years.
Professor Gurney. of Harvard college , died
at Beverly , Mass. , last week of heuit dis
ease
Princeton , the third oldnvt collere In the
I'nited Slates has the largest freshman class
In her history.
The creat Carnczie library building nt
Brsddock , Pa. , was commenced tins week. It
will COM i-rri.OitOand will be the bust tin-proof
building In the country-
A largo freshman clasi is expected at
Colbv university this full ; among tlie number
will be two colored students Iroui Washing-
tun.
tun.Tho
The Vatican library contains 24,033 manu
scripts , of which 2,104 are Oriental , tO.VJ !
Greek and 1T.OJ9 Latin. A complete cata
logue Is now , for the first time , being pre
pared and is to be published.
The authorities of the University ol New
Orleans ofleied the presidency of that Insti
tution to lev. ! Geonre A. Phlnney , of Peabody -
body , Mass. , but that gentleman , for per
sonal reasons husdeclined , and will remain
with his own chuicli.
Hanlin county. Kentucky. ha = n jmbllc
school fund of SUO.OJO.ovei 10D public schools ,
4 colleges and academies and I ! lemale iemi-
naritsrit is stranger still that theie is not a sa
loon within its bo'.ders , nnd intoxicating
liquor is not allowed to be sold for any purpose
pose-
poseMr. . Andrew Carnegie has written to the
lord provost of Edlnburg , offering S125KK ( >
lor tlie establishment ol a iree library , on
condition that Edinburgh s.dopts the free
libraries act , by the terms of which n tax
not exceeding one penny in the.pound is
e.harged to defray the current expenses of
public libraries.
Dr. Gautsch , the Austrian minister of edu
cation , is abont to issue n circular calling
.upon the nuthontieMn universities to express
'neir opinions as if some proposed radical
changes in the university cirric.ulum. Dr.
Gautsch proposes to modemize undergradu
ate studies by giving the front rank in ex
amination to practical subjects , and re'.egat-
ing abstract philosophy to n second place. A
noticable feature in the circular is that for
the tirst time in Austria , a minister proposes
that law students shall thoroughly study con
stitutional jurisprudence.
AN UNFORTUNATE LAWYER.
Ho Tackles a Dcnf Witness nnd Gets
"Wo r.tr L
Detroit Free Press : Several years ape
while Antrim count.y , Mich. , .was in a
primitive state of civilization a breach of
promise suit came before the circuit court
at Elk llapid . The plaintiff , one Eliza
. ) . Spooner , alleged that Will'ani ' Smith
had trifled with her young nflectionfi seri
ously much. He had , by promise to
marryinduced her lo give up one Samuel
Jones , who was also an admirer of hers ,
and who. under tlie smart of her refusal ,
had since joined himself in the bonds oi
holy matrimony to Lucy Skinner , andin
conseqiiencej was now out of market ,
which the sump party claimed had blight
ed her fondest hopes nnd cast about § 125
worth of jjioom over her future Q
The plaintiff's nrinpipal witness wns
"Uncle" Dave Hagley. He was over
seventy , and verv d af. Oneof his pecu
liarities was to always answer a question ,
and it made no difference whether he un
derstood it or not his reply was ready.
The lawyer for the defense was a little ,
asthmatic , choleric man named Soraers ,
and this was his cross-examination of
Uncle Bacley :
"Mr. Bn < rley , you have taken a solemn
oath to telfthe truth , thtsTvliole truth , nnd
nothing but the truth. You sar that
upon a certain ni < rht you saw said Eliza
J. Spooner and William Smith the man
before you together. You also said that
they were teated upon Mr. John
Spooner's back porch. Now yon -will
please state to the jury the .jxact date of
this occurrence. "
"Lizy Jane Spooner was a settin' on
Bill Smith's lap an' be "
"No , no. Hold on ! " interrupted Seni
ors , sharply. "Answer ray question di
rectly and unequivocally.1'
"Bill hnd his arm around her a hug-
gin' her , " pursued the old man com
placently.
The defense glared angrily at the wit
ness , and then glanced around the court
room Every one wore a. look of extmno
felicit Ithatwaslittlejcalculatfd lo soothe
his rullit-d temper. Turning to the wit-
uesis again ! > e aid emphatic-all } "
"You do not seem to cat eh my mean
ing. ] simply asked the date of tins oc
currence. "
"Vans , that's iv'at i said. Kissed her
forty-seven times in less'n twenty min
utes , an' then "
Somers pawed tlie atmosphere ix-
citeiily and howled :
'
' W'he.n did this oecur * "
"Oh ! W'y didn't 'e tay so if ore , yout g
man ! " Then , reflectively : "Waul , Ueiu *
's 't I'm under oath 1 s > h' l jedge 't might
a 1 > V a leetle afU-r 11 o'clock 't night "
The lawyer nearly choked , but wxring
that lie was fast losing ground with the
jury , he partially rallied and said quite
fclowly :
" 1 mean the date. What was the dattf
ofthisV"
"Oh1 I sh'd jedge Mie sot on his lay
half an hour. * n then they changed off n
he sot on "
This was too much. TJie jurvmen M-CTC
nil convulsed with laughter. Tlie jiige ! *
solemn face widum < d into a grin Soin-
ers iumj > ud up mid began fcpeakmjj ex
citedly.
Uncle Dave watched him for two ot
tliroe inimitus. and then , think ng thai
be was talking about Miss Spoont-r , tie
Mjiienke-d out :
" .Vow , you look a here , young feller ,
don't 'e never Miy nothin' ngin Luy
Jane. 'Lizy Jane s line t-r gal's ever
trod sole lontiicr. Taint nothin agin
her if Bill Smith ooddod her up to think
he'd splice un with her. "
Hut the old man was removed from
tlie. box , and a ? ho walKed down the
room liegruwied out :
" 'K young Hj tran ! 'K may fool n
yoMng gal out'n her feller , but 'e t-an't
con an old man like Uncles Dave Bagley ,
No ir-oe. "
TAKE one of Dr. J , McLean's Liver
ai d Kidney PiileU at night before goltif
to bJnj and you will be wirpnfcod hov
nt and vigorous you will
Only 30 cuiu u val.