12 TUB OMAHA DAILY BHB : SATURDAY , JUNE 4. ISKl.-TWKLVE PAUI5S.
AT THE DEPOT.
Walking up and down the platform ,
Vnit the door where coffee s > tenm ,
Whore the doughnut * , brown niul doughy ,
Call up hunprv men in aliening
Where MX bit * tney charge for filling
That vou wnllnw Mind and atralght
As the hftecn minute * vftii ! h
And the trnin taken up it gait
Head I this that takei the eakev
"Collee like your mother tnnkcil"
Touched \VM every tender feeling
Thought * of home cniuc rushing fa.it ;
Sympathetic chords responded ,
For my dinner hour was past.
Far from home , to all n stranger ,
Here , 'mid nil this rush and din ,
Is one soul who had a mother ,
Kindly taking strangers In ;
And I tinned on mother's cakes :
"Coffee like your mother make * ! "
Then , instincth e , doonvard wand'ring ,
Drew I to that streaming urn
Ordered quick the fragrant bev'rnge ,
Fearing neither pcald nr burn.
To my thirsting lln | conveyed it ,
Kagor _ in my hnste to win
Mem rie of A fainted mother ,
Scalding hot n < molted tin.
Alii thought I , thi take * the cake * :
"Coffee like your mother tnakcM"
Quick those holy \l iotn vanished ,
'In the winklliig of an eye.
As the hitter dr.itight 1 Hwaliowcd
Coffee ! Hah ! 'twni worse than lyo.
Thick with grouping ground * , mid muddy
Uluo the red'hot oaths 1 Rworci
Mother , O forgiv'o your darling ,
For 1 curbed you ne'er before.
Sacrilege ! this take * the cakcsi
"Coffee like your mother makes ! "
NKW-MAN.
A PLEASANT LOVE.
"I have got some news for you ,
Maggie , " ho said , one day , about
eighteen months after ho had gained
his commission. ' 'Guess what it is. "
They were walking along the green
lanes of Perlock , listening to the
ccaftolcss murmur of the sea , as at in
tervals they had walked and listened
over since they could remember ; at
any rate , she was six years younger
than her former play-fellow.
"You to bo "
are going promoted ,
she said.
"Promoted , you little geese ! No
ono over gets promoted in tlio British
army. Guess again. "
"You are going to many an heiress -
ess , " There waa n lump in hur throat
as she said it.
"Wrong again. No estimable
young person with green eyes , a turn
up , nose , susceptible heart , and fifty
thousand a year has turned up yet.
But it's something nearly as good. I
am ordered to China.
"Oh , Alio ! " she gasped , and burst
into tears. It was very foolish of her ,
but then HIO was only IU , and had not
yet acquired the praiseworthy art of
concealing her feelings.
"Why , whatever aru _ you crying
for 7" ho asked , nnd kissed away her
tears. He'd kissed her over since she
was .five , and thought no moro of it
than if she had boon his sister , or the
cat , excepting perhaps that it was nicer
which it was , no doubt. "I shall
only bo away five years at most , nnd
when I como back I'll bring you n pig
tail , and ( an ivory tooth-pick , and n
whole lot of tilings , and
"Yes , " uhe said , listening atten
tively.
"But then you'll ' bo a young woman
-and 'out ' nnd all that
Iforgotand , sort
of tiring , and won't condescend to
speak to a poor lieutenant ; you will
have all the squir s and fox-hunters
about thu place at your loot. "
"Oh no , indeed , I shall not Alic , "
she said , eagerly.
' 'But ' I tollyou , you will. Iboliovo
you ( ire a born little flirt , and I shall
como back and find "
But she burst into'toars again , and
put up her pretty little hand as if to
stop his teasing , which she could not
bear just then , It seemud so cruel of
him to laugh and joke when ho was
going away for five yoars. Ho did not
seem to care u bit , and she could have
broken bar heart on the spot , and
would have gladly donu so , and thrown
away thu pieces , so as never to bo
bothered with it again. Then seeing
her mournful blue eyes , hu was merci
ful.
ful."I
"I believe I shall come back and
find you just as great a little darling
as you are now , and if wo'vo got
any money we'll got married and live
happy over after , and if we'liavon't
we'll got married and starve over after
unless , of course , the heiress turns
up. "
"Oh , I hope she won't ! " said Maggie
gio , like a truthful little idiot. "Shall
you over write to mo , Alio , dear ? "
"Yes of course I shall , and I shall
expect you to write back six pages
crossed , and all that sort of thing ,
you know. "
So Alio Granger wont to China ,
and Maggie waited hopefully enough
for a letter , but six months passed and
none camo. "Perhaps it takes longer
for a letter to got hero from China , "
she thought , knowing as little about
the moans of transit and the time it
took as if the celestial city had been
in the moon. But u year passed , and
so no Ipttor came , and Maggie jour
neyed into womanhood , but no words
or sign came -from Alic Granger , and
at last she imvo him up altogether.
Maggie was twenty years old when
her father died , and thu creditors did
pounce down , and she and her mother
wore sold out. Mrs. Dunlop was of
fered a homo in London by a sister
who was well otf and bad-tempered ,
and it was thankfully accepted.
Maggie wont as governess into the
family of n Mrs. Marshall of Wool-
wich.
wich.Mrs.
Mrs. Marshall's daughter by her
first husband was really mistress of
the establishment , for Maria Patter
son had a strong will , and she was an
hoiress. "A very nasty heiress , too,1' '
poor Maggie thought , and she waa
right , for Maria was skinny , and
' thought herself sarcastic , and always
said nasty things to people who did
not dare to say them back again.
Ono evening , when Maggie had
boon about a year at "Woolwich , and
she was sitting alone in her school
room as usual , for her pupils had just
said good-night and boon delivered tc
the tender mercies of their nurse. .
Miss Patterson walked in very mud ;
dressed .and rather flushed and ox
cited.
"Miss Dunlop , " she said , "wo shal
have a few friends this evening , and 1
know one or two of them like an irn
, promptu dance ; will you be ready U
' como in the drawing room and play il
we should waat you ? "
la the , evening oho put on her ehab
by bkok gown and stuck spray oi
white flowers in her golden hair , and
wailed patiently for the summons.
When it came , with a roll of music un
der her arm , a llush on her innocent ,
frightened face , and a scared , almost
hunted expression in her eyes , she
descended and timidly oponcu the
drawing-room door , and there stood
still for a moment , staring in aston
ishment. There' sat the heiress , with
an eager , pleased expression on
her face , and leaning over ,
her , talking and laughing , and more
handsome than ever , nnd sunburnt
and soldierly-looking , was Alic Gran
ger. The color rushed to Maggie's
face , as if to say a hurried good-bye ,
and then left it altogether. She re
covered self-possession , however , and
walked with what oho flattered herself
was great dignity towards the piano.
She felt rather than saw him raise his
head and look at her , and the next
moment she saw him by her side.
"Maggie my dear Maggie' Why ,
fancy you being hero ; whore did you
come from ? 1 have boon trying to
find you out for months. "
"I thought you" and then she did
not know how to go on , so added , al
most piloously , " 1 am the governess
hero. "
"Aro you ? Oh , I see , then , that is
the reason I have not seen you before ,
T suppose. "
"Do you really know Miss Dunlop ? "
the heiress asked , coining up and
speaking in her coolu.it manner.
Maggie wished sincerely shu could
sink into lior shoes and bury her
self.
"Why of course 1 do ; wo have been
play-fellows over since 1 wan born
haven't wo Maggie ? "
And Maggie , fooling that she wan
backed up , answered bravely :
"Yes.1' '
"Ohindeed , how interesting ! " then
turning to Maggie : "Will you bo so
good aft to begin a waltz , Miss Dunlop -
lop ? This was to bo our dance , f think , "
to Alio , and shu sailed oil' with him
triumphantly.
Flo came to her directly after the
dance was over.
"I wont down to Perlock to try and
find out where you had gone to , " ho
said , "but nobody knew. "
"It didn't matter , " shosaid , huskily ,
letting her fingers wander vaguely
over the keys to make believe she
wasn't very much interested in wlmt
ho said.
"Yes it did it mattorcd a great
deal. Why , I've got a box full of
curiosities for you clubs to fight with ,
and a little heathen god or two , and a
statue of Buddha and all sorts of
things. I told you I should bring you
them homo. Do yon live hero I mean
in this house ? "
Ho said those last words under his
jreath , for the heiress came up , and
, ho next minute was carried oil' to
dance with Mrs. Somebody at the
other end of the room , but not before
Vlaggio had nodded a reply to him.
soon after this Miss Patterson came
ip to the piano , and saying she wishoi
o play herself , and that Maggie looked
ired , dismissed her without being able
0 got open another look at Al'c.
Tlio next morning , to Maggie's very
jreat surprise , Miss Patterson came
nto the school-room , before the cliil-
rcn had assembled.
"Miss Dunlop"sho said , stillly , "I
hould like to know where you say you
net Mr. Granger. "
" At Perlock. His undo lived next
leer to my mother. Ho is a very old
riond , indeed"
"Thank you. I merely wished to
nquiro , because , of course , you must
> o aware that it is not usual for any
mo in your position to make herself
omarkablo by having long confidence
alks with any gentleman who may
visit the house.
"I don't know \yhat you mean , Miss
L'attorson ! " Maggie said indignantly.
Uut Mi a Patterson had swept out
> f the room without deigning to reply.
Then Maggie wont into her little
room , the ono place she had in the
ivorld entirely to herself , ami cried
, ill her eyes wore red and her head
iched.
The loiHons did not progress that
morning. Maggie was thinking of
Alic , who was no doubt strolling
ibout the common listening to the
band and making love to the heiress.
The children wore more than usually
Htupid , too , and all tlio world seemed
upside down , and all its ways turned
crooked. Suddenly , at about 12
o'clock , just when Maggie was in the
middle of expounding as best she
could the eccentricities of the French
grammar , there was a knock at the
school-room door ,
"Como in , " she said.
The door opened , and there stood
before her astonished eyes the form of
Alic Granger , and behind him wns a
man evidently his servant with a
box on his shoulders.
"All right , Tom , put it down ; that's
right ; now bo off. There , I've
brought the curiosities round , Maggie ;
1 thought you would like to sou them. "
"Oh I What will Mrs. Marshall and
Miss Patterson say , " said Maggie in
consternation.
"Nothing to you for the next half
liouror so , for I have just seen them
on their way to Woolwich , and thought
I should got a quiet chat with you.
My dears , " ho said , turning to
Maggie's wido-oyod , opon-mouthod
minus , "I'm ' quite sure you'd like to
bo let o tT with your lessons , so I'll lot
you oil' for an hour ; run along , my
little dears , " and lie opened the door
for thorn and shut it after tkeiu ,
"Oh , Alio ! " she said , in fear and
trembling.
' Oh , Maggie ! " ho answered , "what
do you moan by going away from
Porlock , and not leaving any address ? "
"I couldn't help it and you never
wrote. II
"No , I never write letters ; don't
know how to spell well enough , Hut
1 have been hunting for you all over
the place , and never dreamed of find
ing you hero. Now we'll unpack the
box ; 1 had it opened before 1 came ; so
it's only fastened by a lock , "
"Uut " , Alio , they'll never forgive
mo.
"Novor mind ; it doesn't matter , be
cause if you are good I'll take you
away next week. Besides , they'll forgive -
give ino anything , 1 saved the cole
nel's life when ho was in Hong Kong
at least so ho says. There , now ,
what do you think of these for fight
ing with ? Got them at Java on pur
pose for you , " and ho hold up a pair ol
heathenish-looking clubs and brandish
ed them over her head , and then pro.
ceeded to pull out the rest of the con
tents of the box and to decorate the
school-room with them. "There's Mr ,
Buddha , and there's why , what's UK
matter , Maggie ? "
"Nothing , only you will get mo into
dreadful trouble you will , indeed ;
Alias Patterson came in this moinmg
and scolded me for talking to you last
night. "
"Never mind , she's only jealous , "
lie laughed. "Now tell me how soon
you can leave bore. "
"What for ? " she asked , innocently.
"Why , you haven't forgotten that
wo agreed to got married when wo
came back , have you , little coquette f
and ho put his arm around her waist
just as of old , and was not reproved.
It was so very comfortable , she
thought.
"No , but you nro engaged , are you
not ? "
"Yes , of course I amto you. '
"Oh , but Alic "
"Oh , but Maggie- "
And then ho stopped and kissed
her , and nothing moro could be said ,
for the door opened and there stood
Maria Patterson.
Of course there was no rejoicing on
the part of Maria , but , notwithstand
ing , Alio and Maggie wore married
within the month.
How a Cliiunninn Rides n Bronco
lly Hill Njo.
When a Chinaman does most any-
ttliiiL' in his own peculiar Oriental
style , it is piolty apt to attract atten
tion ; but when ho gets on a bucking
bronco with the cheering assurance of
a man who understands his business ,
and has been convoisanl with the ways
of the bronco for over 2,000 years , the
great surging mass of humanity ceases
to surge , ami stands with baled breath
and watches the exhibition with un
flagging interest.
A Chinaman does not grab the bit
of the bronco and yank it around till
the noble steed can see thirteen new
and peculiar kinds of fireworks , or
kick him in thu stomach and knock
his ribs loose or swear at him till thu
firnmncnt gcts loose and begins to roll
together like a scroll , but ho does liia
hair up in an orienUl wad behind and
jabs a big hairpin into it , and smiles
and says something like what u Guir-
ea-lien would say if she got excited
and tried to report ono of Bjoernst-
jerno Ujoornson's poems backwards in
his native tongue ,
Then ho gets on the wrong side ami
slides into the saddle , making n re
mark as though something inside of
him had broken loose , and the grand
difficulty begins. At first the bronco
seems surprised and temporarily rat-
tied intellectually , and hu stands idly
in the glad sun-light and allows his
mental cquilihrim to wobble back into
place wlnlo the Chinaman makes some
observations that sound like the dis
tant melody of a Hancock club going
homo at 2 o'clock a. in. , and all talk
ing at ono and the same time.
IJy-nnd-by the bronco shootn athwart
the sunny sky like a thing of life , and
conies down with all his legs in a clust
er like a bunch of asparagus , and with
ijroat deal of force and expression.
This movement throws the China
man's liver into the northwest corner
of the thorax , and his upper left-hand
douodossimo into the middo [ of the
subsequent week , but he does not com
plain. Ho opens his mouth and
breathes in all the atmosphere that
the rest of the universe can spare , and
readjusting his shirt tail BO that
it will have thu correct inclina
tion toward the horizon , ho gent
ly tickles the bronco on the starboard
quarter with the cork solo of his cor
pulent shoo. This mirth-provoking
movement throws the bronco into the
wildest hysterics , and for twenty
minutes the don't
spectators see any
thing very distinctly. The autumn
sunlight Booms to bo mixed up with
lilomlo bronco , ami the softened haze
> f October seems fraught with pale
blue shirt tail and disturbed China
man , moving in an irregular orbit ,
and occasionally throwing oil meteoric
articles of apparel and pro historic
chunks of igneous profanity of the
vintage of Confuscius marked U. C.
1880.
1880.When
When the sky clears up a little the
Uliinaman's hair has comu down and
liangs in wild profusion about hisolivo
Features. The horn of his shirt Hap is
seen to be very much frayed , like an
American ilag that has snapped in the
breeze for thirteen weeks , lie finds
also that ho has telescoped the spinal
column and jammed two extra ribs
through the right superior duplex , and
ho has two or throe vertebrae floating
about through his system thathodon't
know what to do with. The casual
observer can see that the Chinaman is
iv robust ruin , while the bronco is still
in a good state of preservation.
But the closing scene is still to
come. The bronco summons all his
latent energy , and humping his back
up into thu oxhilorating atmosphere ,
ho shoots forward with great earnest
ness and the most reckless abandon ,
and when ho ouco more bisects the
earth's orbit and jabs his foot into the
trembling earth , a shapeless mass of
brocaded silks and coarse black huir
and taper nails , and Celestial shirt
tails , and Oolong profanity and disor
ganized Chinese remains , and shat
tered Oriental shirt destroyer , comes
down apparently from the Now Jeru
salem , and thu coroner goes out on
thu street to get six good men and u
chemist , and they analyze the collec
tion.
tion.Thoy
They report that deceased e.uuo to
his death by reason of concussion sup
posed to have boon induced by his
fall from the outer Imttlomonts of the
sweet bye and byo.
A Mystoriou * Beast-
Orange county , Now York , is great
ly excited about a mysterious beast
which is said to make nocturnal raids
around the neighborhood. There is
only ono person a negro who will
swear ho has soon the strange animal ,
but there are scores of persons who
claim to have seen evidences of his
depredations on adjoining farms , and
to have heard his unearthly screams
when startled by the approach of men ,
The negro says no suddenly met with
it at the mouth of a cave on thu farm
of a Mr. Green , and that it stood erect
to the height of seven or eight foot and
screeched so loudly that it frightened
him so badly tbat , ho fainted. When
ho regained his senses the animal had
gone , Parties haVe explored the
mouth of the cave on Green's farm ,
and while they claim to have discov
ered evidences of the whereabouts of
some strange animal they have failed
to come up with it. It is said that a
dead dog , with his back broken , waa
found near the mouth of the cave , and
part of a sheen's skin and entrails wore
also close to the entrance. A party is
being organized to search for and kill
the strange animal , but the negro will
not be of the party.
"QUESTIONS ANSWERED. "
A VUttor Who WAS Above the
Vtxnttlct of ThU World.
trooUyn I
"Are you ono of the editors of this
newspaper ? " she asked , in a fluttering
tone , approaching the man who does
the "Questions Answered" for The
Eagle.
"Yes , " ho replied , taking her in at
a glance. "Mako the waist plain nnd
shirr on the skirt ; nut in an apron
front and leave the back of the dress
full with a narrow llounco at the bottom
tom , " nnd the encyclopaedia turned
away to his work.
"I didn't want to nsk you about
dross she faltered. "I hope I am
above the vanities of this world. 1
have been a church member , but I
am bewildered about my responsibili
ties , " and her eyes filled with tears.
"Are you an idiot , lunatic , mar
ried woman , or habitual drunkard ? "
inquired the "Questions" man , run
ning over the Novum Organum to soc
if the Plesiosaurus laid eggs or suck led
her young.
"Sir ? " she demanded with ringing
indignation.
"HocaiiBo if you ain't , you'ro legallj
responsible , " ho answered , turning ti
the question : "How could the childroi
of Adam marry the daughters of man
if there was no man before Adam ? "
"I don't mean that. 1 want t (
understand whether 1 am a free agent
or if I am "
"That depends upon how you havi
made your contract. If you bough
the goods outright you are only liabh
for the purchase price , but if you worl
commission "
"No , no. Not that ; " and stream
ing tears roused the "Questions" matte
to some show of interest , "I am it
doubt. Which way shall I turn ? "
"Well , my dear , that depends mucl
on the danco. In the waltz you tun
from loft to right until you rovurse ,
In tho- "
"Good heaven ! " ejaculated the in-
quirur , "ho thinks 1 dance. No , no ,
not You don't understand mo. 1
want to understand the right road. "
"Yes , yes ; I see. That dopendf
upon circumstances. If you'ro ' going
to the cemetery , you take a Green
wood car. If you'ro ' going over te
Williamsburgh , look out for a Green-
point and Myrtle nvcnuo car , or , if
you want the circus , you will find the
Fulton street "
"Merciful providence ! It is not
that , either. Can you scoff at me
whun my head is bowed thus in sorrow
row ? "
"Oh that's it " the "
! , replied "Ques
tions" man , glancing through Rollin'f
history to find the difference between
Scandinavian and a Swodonborgian.
"Got a brown chip turned up at tlw
back or on the loft side , anil trim it
with a yard of Spanish lace , and n
bunch of forgot-mo-nots in the front.
Or , you might try a white Leghorn
with "
"Can't you understand me ? " she
moaned , wringing her hands. "Don't
you see that my foot are sore and wea
ry , looking for the right path ? "
"Corns1 ? asked the "Questions' '
man , scratching his ear. . "Pare 'cm
down carefully , and put on four drops
of lemon , or "
"You mock mo"shosobbod. ! "Pray
lot mo rest a moment. " a
The "Questions" man regarded her
sympathetically , and turned to the
inquiry.
' 'Did the Athenians , fry their clams
or eat thorn raw ? " wliilo ho gave her
time to recover.
"I come for information , " she con-
tinuedj at length ; "I want to know
what' ] can do. 1 am in a fever . "
"Salts ? " proclaimed the encyclo
pedia with energy. "You want salts ;
a table spoonful an hour before break
fast , That will reduce the fever ,
and then - "
"You horrible wretch ? " sobbed the
unhappy wpman , rising. "I came to
you because I thought you could guide
me to the spiritual fountain for which
T am thristing , and you insult me in
this wanton way ! " and she flopped
out of the office with riotous indigna
tion.
"Most unaccountable fonule , " sol
iloquized the " Questions" man. "I
tola her what 1 thought she wanted to
know , and she gets as mad as the fel
low did when I told him pawnbrokimj
took its origin in shoving Jonah in the
spout. I've got to have moro salary
for this business , or The Eagle must
got another man , " and the encyclo-
pedia'benthis attention upon this ques
tion : " What postage did Paul pay
on his first epistle to the Corinthians
thians/ / "
Let No Fat Ma
Detroit Krco I'mw.
Fat ? You bet ho was ! And ho
was one of those cautious men who
wear their winter flannels and socks
up to thu first of Juno for fear of cold
waves : uul rheumatic twinges , ft
grow hotter and hotter as ho came
down Grand Iliver avenue , and hu
finally slid under the awning of a
saloon and dropped down on the head
of an empty beer-keg and groaned
out :
"Lands alive ! but she's more tlian
biling ! Seems to mo that I've com
menced to molt ! "
Ho hadn't got the perspiration wip-
off one whole ear yet when a tall , lean
man came along from the other way
and also halted. Not a drop of mois
ture could bo seen on his face , and
his hair was dry as a clothes-lino.
"I presume , sir , " ho began , "that
you find this heat uncomfortable ? "
"Great snakes ! but I'm roasted ! "
groaned the other.
"Nevertheless , I desire to make you
an address on the subject of the
weather. The seasons are divided
into four. Wo will take the winter
season. "
"Oh ! 1 don't want to hoar any
thing about the weather. 1 want to
cool oil' and got home. "
"Nevertheless , the winter season in
cludes December , January and Febru
ary , " continued the lean man , as ho
walked up and down. "Do you know
why we have cold weather in the winter -
tor and warm weather in the summer ? "
"Say , let mo alone , won't you ? I
came within an inch of being sun-
struck. "
"Spring is the next season , and
sometimes it is wonderful how closely
it follows winter , and then again it is
wonderful how it hangs oft' until fall.
Spring is supposed to include March ,
April , May and several blizzards and
freshets. "
"Say , I won't stand it ! If you don't
move on I'll injure you for life , "
"We now come to the third seaion , "
observed the lean man as he folded
hands behind his back.The
; hird season is called summer , and in
cludes the months of Juno , July nnd
August. June wns named after old
IuuelKrry , a Greek orator who con
tended "
"Will you move on ! " yelled the fat
man , as he pushed his handkerchief
down the back of his neck.
"I will not , " was the calm reply.
"Juno was named after old Juncborry ,
"Who the cares ! "
"All of us. Old Juneborry con
tended that the sun was composed
of . "
The fat man tried to got up , but
lettlc creeks of perspiration ran down
his back , ono of his suspenders broke
short off , and ho full back and yelled
"police ! " in a voice so husky that ho
seemed to have a pcachstono in his
throat. Three > r tour men catno out
of the saloon , and ho pointed to the
lean man and gasped out ;
"Five dollars to the man that
mashes him ! "
"And wo now como to tlio fouith
season , " coolly remarked the loan man
as ho walked slowly away , "which in
cludes September , October and No
vember , nnd in leaving this for anoth
er field of labor I want to say to yon ,
old fattythat I'll lay for you from now
till the end of dog-days but what you
shall hear the remainder of my ad
dress , and old Juneberry's reason for
believing that the sun wns composed
of scraps and ends of lightning which
had drifted into a sort of aerial whirl
pool. You may sweat and blow and
call for the police , but I'll trail you to
the bitter end and don't ' you forget
it ! "
And hu walked briskly away under
the hot sun just as the fat man was
going to raise the reward for mashing
him to 850.
The Revised Bible.
Uro. ( UnlncrN Uma-Kllii Club.
"I take pleasure an' satisfaction , "
said the president as hu held up a par
cel , "in informin'you a worthy citizen
of Detroit , who does not car' to have
his name mpnshun'd , has presented
dis revised edishun of do Bible to do
Lime-Kiln Club. Wo do not open
our muotins wid prayer , nor do wo
close by singin' do Doxology , but
npbordoless I am suah dis gift will bo
highly uppreshiated by rill. Dar has
bin considublo talk in. dis club about
dis revised edishun. Some of you
hab got do ideah dat purgatory
has all been wiped out an Heabon
enlarged twice ober , an' I have heard
oddors assort dat it didn't forbid lyin' ,
stealin' an' passin1 oil' bad money. My
friends , you am sadly mistaken. Hell
is jist as hot as ober , an" Heabctn
hasn't got any mo' room. In lookin'
ober some of do changes las' night I
selected out n few paragraphs which
havu H gincral b'arin. Fur instance ,
it am jist as wicked to steat water-
mellyons as it was las' y'ar or do y'nr '
befo' on" do skeorcordo crap do bigger
do wickedness.
"No change has bin made in regard
to loatin aroun' de streets. Do loafer
am considered jist as mean an' low ns
ober ho was , an' I want to add my be
lief dat ho will grow meaner in public
estimashn all do time.
"Do ton commandments am all
down hoih without change. Stealin'
an' lyin' an' cavetin' an" runnin' out
night am considered just as bad as
ebor.
" 1 can't find any paragraph in
which mon am excused for payin * doir
honest debts and supportiu' doir fam-
'lies. '
" I can't fin1 whar' a pop' man , or
iv poo' man's wife , white or black , am
'spected to sling on any pertickler
stylo. &
" chicken-liftin1' poly- ,
"Dog-fights , - , ,
ticks , phvyin' keerds fur money an'
liangin aroun' fur drinks an'itll sich
low bizness am considered meaner dan
cber. Fact is , I can't tin' any change
ivhateber which lots up on a man from
boin' plumb up an' down squar" an'
inmost wid do world. Doy have
changed de word 'Hell' to 'Hades , '
but at de same time added to do
strength of do briniHtun an * de size of
ilo pit , an * wo want to keep right on in
tie straight path if wo would avoid it.
Donn' lot any white man make you
bulioyo dat wo's lost any Gospel by ais
revision , or dnt Peter or Paul or Moses
ave undergone any change of speerit
rugnrdin * do ways of libin' respectably
in' dyin' honorably. "
The Lawyer's Boy.
Detroit I'reo Press.
Anybody who thinks that tlio boy
employed around a lawyer's office has
lothing to do but empty the the paper
jaskot , run to the postoflico , sweep the
room , and read the jokes of Blackstone -
stone , is grandly mistaken. A boy
: hat is , a prize of a boy , and ono who
ivill eventually become 11 great lawyer
limsolf has a heap on his mind , and
10 time for sling-shots or toys. Yes-
onlay , while a Detroit lawyer was in
court , with his boy in charge of the
illico , a newspaper man who was
muting through the Moiiat block
stumbled upon the young attorney
uid was received with ;
"Como right in , the papers in your
case are ready to be signed. "
"What case ? "
"Application for divorce , "
"Uut I'm not the man. "
"Ain't you ? Well , yon look like
lim. Lot's see ? Are you the do-
'ondant in the Jones vs. Brown case
of trespass ? If so , I am to toll you
.hat the case is put over until nott
Saturday , at the same hour in the
afternoon. "
"No , 1 am not Brown , "
"Well , that's all right. Let's see
again ? I was to tell Ryan that his
case against Peters for Blander would
not como on this term , and to suggest
that ho amend his declaration. You
luivu not given the dates whereon the
defendant called you "reptile and
a sneak. "
"But I am not Hyan
"Is that so ? That's oo bad , but ,
perhaps , you can't help it. Was it
your wife who eloped with a man
named Blake ? "
"No. "
"Thon you are not Mr. Clem. I was.
told to tell him that ho forgot to state
the jwrticular time at which ho first
noticed a coldness in her demeanor.
Lot's soo. Oh ! there's that bigamy
case. I was to say to the defendant
that the prosecution appear to have
limited up and got hold of the testimo
ny of u third female who claims to
liavo married you in Toledo in 18 ( > 4 ,
nnd that your case looks shaky. Wo
will , however , do our best to pull you
through , as we do all our clients. "
"You are off again ; I am not the
man. "
man.Dear me , that's another. Well , all
right : 1 was to say to any new client
that Mr. would bo back in an
liour. Come in and sit down and look
over the city directory. Wo will take
your case at the low eat cash price and
do our level best to win it. Consult no
other firm until you have given us a
trial. "
How Ho Bocnmo Wealthy.
llrooklyn K&glc.
A little man was introduced to the
members of the Mining exchange , in
Now York , the other day , and , from
the prompt and effectual manner in
which ho operated , it was apparent
that ho was immensely wealthy.
"You have been out in the mines , I
hear , " said ono of a knot of admirers ,
who , though a Now Yorker , had es
tablished some liftlo reputation for fa
miliarity with far Western slang.
"Yes ; " responded the little man ,
quietly ; "I spent some time in the
carbonate region. "
"Pretty old hand at dips and angles ,
I take it , " observed the questioner ,
jocularly.
"I've heard tell of "em , " replied thu
little man.
"Hocked the cradle for yellow n
good many turns , eh ? " continued thu
bore , with an 1'11-feteh-liim-out wink
nt the crowd.
"No. They don't cradle now , they
crush , " saiil the little man , uneasily.
"Hit it out hard on a spur and jerk
rock for the stamp : that's the way
they do it ? "
"Thoy take out the quartz and send
it to the mill. " replied the little man.
"Wouldn't ' you like to go and flood
thu lower level ? " asked the amatuer.
"Want something to rinsotho valves ? "
The little man consented and the
crowd adjourned for wine.
"How'd you hook on to the dust ,
grub stake or straight prospect ? " in
quired the bore tftor the party had
irrigated.
" 1 grub staked until I lost most of
my money , " said the little man ner
vously.
"Iseo. Then scanned for a shine
on your own sleeve. "
"No. The fact is , gentlemen , I'm
not a minor , and never had an interest
in u shaft "
"How'd you accumulate the buck
skins , if I may ask ? " pursued the bore ,
somewhat amazed.
"It was this way : Some tenderfeet
had smiled on a locket , and when they
came to reach for corn at the settle , I
was close to the bung. They were
oiled and I had some split tickets. I
gave them the circulars , and when the
wind shifted the best they could
languish under was three cook and a
couple. Somehow I got hold of their
hair and lot into the pull with two
dough faces and three sprats. I let
go a dough face and caught the ad
vertisement. They doubled on mo
steady till 1 reached the lingering
speck , and then I laid down and
softened on the starlight. That's the
way I made my money. Good day ,
gentlemen. "
"How was it ? " chorused the crowd ,
turning to the bore for an explana
tion.
' 'I think ho means that they died
and left him their property , " replied
the domestic miner.
But ho didn't. Ho meant that three
flats had struck it rich , and on a deal
with a safety pack ho had held four
aces against a , queen full and won all
the money in the outfit.
To crystalizo it , gentle reader , ho
wns n ukin gambler.
Fair Play Oat West.
\Thcy give n man a chance out West.
A eadwood , Cnstor , or any of those
i Vestern towns , the spirit of fair
TJS to the surface even in ju-
( li > . , Needing. In March last , a
Miblii&bu.n who keeps an eating-
house at Giinnison , was over particu
lar nbou taking a counterfeit half-dol
lar , and in the row which resulted ho
was considerably battered. He there
fore called upon the Justice of the
Peace and stated his case and asked
for n warrant.
" 1 guess I wouldn't make a fuss over
it,1' replied the official.
"But ho meant to kill me. "
"Yes , I presume so , but ho'll leave
town and that will end it. "
"But he's n dangerous man. "
"Yes , they say so ; but no one is
afraid of him.
"Judge , do you know what he said
about you when 1 told him I'd have
him arrested ? "
"No. "
"Well , ho said you wore n blamed
grasshopper eater ! "
"Yes , but ho didn't moan it. "
"And he called yon n reptile. "
"Well , ho vas mad , I suppose. "
"Yes , nnd ho was mad when ho said
you didn't know enough to write your
own name , and therefore couldn't issue
n warrant ! "
"Did he say that1 ? ,
"Ho did. "
"Thon I'll issue on him like a teuton
avalanche on a yaller mule ! The man
who sneezes at my larnin' ' must have a
contempt for the judiciary. "
The warrant was issued , the party
arrested and tried , and the verdict of
the court was :
Gunnison William , the verdict of
this court is that you are guilty , and
the sentenceis a line of $25 in cash.
This court can't got over the fact that
you villified its mental calibro. It is
also aware of the fact that you haven't
a red to pay your fmo with. Now ,
then , if you will meet this court back
of tliis building on the level it will
either git away with yon in six and a
half minutes or remit the fmo. I want
to provo to the citizens of Gunnison
that in electing mo to the judiciary
they have civst their votes for a man
who can spit on his hands in six ditl'er-
ent languages and git away with n hog
pen full of roughs without having an
ear scratched. Prisoner at the bar ,
have you anything to say ? "
The prisoner had. Ho said he'd
nither go to jail , and to jail ho went.
The announcement that Cardinal 51 an-
ninp has fmbidden the iifee of the halls of
the Catholic cltdw or the assembly looms
of the Total Abstinence League of the
Crodii for meetings of brandies of the Land
League hab caused the Ion ? jH-nt-up feeling
of the Irish in Ixiidon with respect to the
clerical ducountenance of their agitation
to manifest themselves in a very emphatic
manner. For boine time pabt checks to
Irish agitation in London , which have not
come before the public , have been given by
the clergy , and the general desire of the
headi of the 1 toman Catholic church in the
metropolis that all movements of a rell-
gioui or even semi-religious character
should be dlmsoci&ted fromlpoliUca , hat
iimjily found expreasaon in the prohibitory
notice of Cardinal iUnnlng.
A MARRIAGE IN WAR-TIME
- +
A Confederate Soldier's Story-
"Wliy the Groom Hastened to
tlio Wedding.
Contribution to l/niiMlllcOnrlir-Jouitml
1 remember n very amusing mar
riage ceremony tthich 1 once pel-
formed. I was busy trying to make
up some bread for my mess , 11 was
then "high private in the rear rank
of the old Thirteenth Virginia llcgi-
inent , ) when a bright young fellow of
tlio "Maryland line" hailed mo witlr
"I say , Mister , are you a preacher ? "
Not surprised at the doubt implied in
the question , for neither my dress nor
my occuuation was very clerical , I re
plied , "Yes , I claim to be. " "Arc
you authorized to marry people in
this state ? " "I am. " "Well , you are
the very man t have been hunting for
live days. " " 1 am glad you have
found mo at last. What can I do for
you ? " " 1 want you to marry me ,
Sir. " "When ? " "Right nway , Sir ;
just as soon ns wo can get there. "
"Where ? " "About t\\o miles down
the road ? "
Accordingly , I got permission from
my Colonel , ( A. P. Hill , ) satisfied my
self that the license was allright , and
started. As we were going alone , the
little fellow ( the license stated that he
was 21 , but ho really did not look to
bo over 1 ( > ) pulled out his license nnd
said : "Look here , Parson ; suppose
anything should happen so that we
coud not get married to-day she could
not marry any ono else ns long ns 1
hold these ( shaking his license ) agin
her , could she ? " When 1 explained
that the license was of no binding
force until the ceremony was perform
ed , he started oil' in a half-run , ox-
claiming. "Well1 come on , Parson ;
wo must make haste ! "
Beginning to suspect that there was
something wrong , 1 stopped and said :
" 1 must have an explanation of this
sir. I do not mean to do anything
contrary to law and right. Did you
not tell mo that you hail the full con
sent of the young lady's parents , and
that there was no obstacle in the way
of your marrioago ? " "Yes , it is all
right , parson , comu on and I'll explain
it all to your satisfaction. The whole
truth is that I have been sick down at
that house orrather havebeenpreteiid-
ing to bo sick for several weeks , and
there has been a little girl down there
who has been so kind to me that I
want to marry her for it. Now , my
colonel ( his colonel was George H.
Sewurd , an old West Pointer , and
one of the most rigid disciplinari
ans in the army ) has found out that I
am well , and 1 am atraid he will send
a guard after me nnd put mo in the
gunrd house ; that before I get out the
brigade will move away , and so I may
not get a chance to bo married at all ,
nnd she may then go and marry some
other fellow. Como on , parson ! Please
let us make haste ! " -
I followed him as rapidly as I could ,
and on reaching the place I ascertained
that the guard had actually como for
him before ho came afte'r mcj but had
agreed to wait for him if ho could pro
cure iv preacher and hurry up the mar
riage. I performed the ceremony , he
saluted his bride in approved old-
style , and the guard immediately
marched him oil' to the guard-house.
Ho called to see mo several days after
ward , however , and said : Parson , I
have boon a very happy man since I
saw you. 1 took your advice , and
made iv clean brcastof it tothccolonol ,
and ho released mo from the guard
house and gave mo 48 hours leave of
absence. "
Some time afterward I was at
Louisa Courthouse on furlough , and
being at the depot when the cars came
up , whom should I see but my young
Maryland soldier , who jumped off the
train arid rushed up to mo , exclaim
ing : "Parson , I am the happiestman
in the Southern Confederacy. I have
gotten a discharge from the army. I
have work in Richmond at which I
can make plenty of inonoy. T have
rented n nice little house there and
furnished it very comfortably , and
now 1 am going up after my wife. " 1
was very much gratified to see the
marriage turning out so well , for , un
fortunately , these army marriages did
not always so result.
Kansas Atmosplioro anil Illinois
FisU Ponds.
Western Correspontluncu Kansas City Journal ,
"Speaking of climate , " said Dick ,
"the climate of Colorado gets away
with Kansas badly. The water in
that country is clearer than the air is
here. I've seen fish in the lakes at a
depth of foity feet , and counted their
scales , but hero the air is so dense you
can hardly get it up your nose , and I
can't see my load mules mor'n half the
time. "
"Now , " said Jack , "you ought to
know better thai , to talk that way ;
you've driven the team all day , and
must know by t.liis time that there's
bjut two of 'em , and they ain't mules ,
but horses. * '
"That's so , " said Ike , "and as for
your clear atmosphere , I've hoard a
dog bark twenty miles in Kansas. "
Dick drove in silence some time and
then inquired :
"Did any of you fellers over fish
with a seine/ / "
The crowd nodded , and Dick con
tinued : "Don't reckon any of you
ever had as big luck as I've had. I've
fished in the lagoons of the Illinois ,
and that's fishing , I tell you. "
A silence of some minutes elapsed ,
as we jogged ovnr the smooth plain ,
the party in reflective mood , when
Dick broke out again ;
"Speaking of fishing , I've helped
to drag out govonty-five wagon loads
at ono haul. "
"How many ? " said Jack.
" . "
"Sovonty-fivo.
"But Dick , that's un awful pile of
fish. "
"Can't help it ; wo pulled em' out
all the same , '
"Why , Djck , that would bo a pile
of fish seven hundred and fifty feet
long and "
"Can't help it if its seven hundred
nnd fifty miles. "
"And three feet wide and "
"No difference about the width. "
"And a footdeop. "
"That's mathematically k'rect , no
doubt ; Taint after figures , but fish. "
"Gentlemen , " said Ike , this man's
statement is correct , I was present
and carried ono end of the seine my
self , and caught fifty bushels of fish in
the seat of my breeches , "
There is a garden In Oil City which has
thus early in the season lettuce jilanta high
er than a three story house. It n fair to the
house , however , to itate that the garden U
on a level with the chimney top of th
house , { Derrick.
a.
,
iv
.1-
.1'n
'n ,
.d .
