THE DAILY BEE : DECEMBER 20. 1880.
PEPPERMINT DROPS.
Applejack U reported so plentiful
in New Jersey that people bathe in
it.
Out in the mines they shoot a m n
who refuses to drink his soup straight
from the plate.
To remove superfluous hair Send
your well filled matress to be done
over by a cheap upholsterer. [ Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
Patrick comes to the morgue to
claim a lost relative. "Has he any
peculiarity by which he can be recognized
" . "Yes he
nized ! asks thejguardian. ,
Is dumb. "
"Where are you going so fast Mr.
Johnson ? " "Home , sir , home ; don't
detain me , I have just got a new bon
net for my wife , and must deliver it
before the fashion changes. "
A witness under cross-examination ,
who had been tortued by a lawyer for
several hours , at last asked for a glass
of water. "There"aaid the judge , "I
think yon'd better let the witness go
now , as you have pumped him
dry. "
A patent medicine notice in many
of our exchanges is headed "an edi
tor's escape. " We haven't read it ,
but we are glad that he escaped. We
suspect that while the man with the
bill was coming up stairs the editor
jumped out of the window and slid
down the rain spout.
J' "Is this Mexico ? " excitedly asks the
editor of The Oshfcosh Northwestern
For the sake of the Mexicans ire
hope not. A large and prosperous
country like this might stand one
Osbkosh , but to start another one iu a
republic already weakened by internal
strife would be a little too tough.
The last fashionable craze Is the
collection of fancy kitchen utensils
"We fnlly expect to see newepaper
office utensils become fashionable yet
old paste pots , pencil Btubs/deoayed
shears , broken down horses , spittoons
on the retired list , and superannuated
office cats. [ Myran Advertiser.
Christmas draws near , and the
eavor of roasted goose will soon assail
the grateful nostril. In merry Kng-
landthey still have the boar's head on
the table , but we Americans have
made an "improvement" on the cus
tom. Instead of a single one on , we
often have half a dozen bores' heads
around the table.
There is no word in the English
language , no matter how complicated ,
that Dave Robinson is not as famil
iar with as if he hid made it himself.
"Are these terrapins you have here
on Galveston island amphibious ? "
asked newly arrived stranger. ' 'Are
they lamfiberous ? Why , bos * , dey
it one ob de chief deliktcies ob de sea
son. Epicacs jess live on 'urn. I
should aay dey was lamfiberous"
Galveston News.
"My son , " said a south end father ,
as he prepared to lather the lad with
a clapboard , "I regret the necessity
of punishing you. I had rather be
whipped than punish you. I am sure
it makes me feel a great deal worse
than It does you. " And the lad who
Y felt mighty revengeful toward the old
man , all the Eame , told a friend about
It , and said that If he believed the
old man that worthy would be kept
ihnmping htm all the time. [ Boston
PostWhile
While the present cold snap has de
layed the mails and frozen np the
water pipes , it has also given us ex
cellent skating , and those who on joy
this healthful exercise are wisely
making the most of it. One of the
old poets , has compared sfcaters to
"Homeric gods , striding with.witged
fact over the sea transmuted into
-solid ground. " This is a bold figure ,
but it is all right as long as a skater
keepihis forked end down. When
he fails to do this he is anything be
fore he is a Homeric god. [ Cincin
nati Enquirer.
"Now , you know , " remarked the
new Sunday school teacher , as he
beamed kindly on the interested class
of boys , "that Robert Bruce , as he
lay in the bed , saw a spider cast its
eb seven times , failing every time ,
but the eighth attempt was success
ful. Now , what was the result ? "
And he looked into the eager , up
turned faces before him. And then
an exceedingly small boy , with phe
nomenally large frecklesat the foot
of the class , whose folks had been
cleaning house the week beforespoke
np and said that the woman came in
the next morning with a broom and
dustpan , and carried the spider out , a
clay-cold corpse. And then the
school sang , while the new teacher
sat down and wiped his forehead.
"My 'sperience in dis life has taught
\ mo dat de man who swaps mules wid
his eyes shut am sartin to git de wust
ob-iti Brudderly feelin * goes a good
ways in case ob sickness , or want , or
death , but It seldom reaches down tea
a hcss trade. If I war bnyin' a mule
ob a man I had kno wed all my life , I
hould begin at de hoofs an * look dat
animlle ober clear to de pint ob de
nose. I shouldn't 'spect him to tell
me dat be had filed down any teef or
puttied ober any hoof cracks. My ad-
rice am not to lie or deceive in trad-
in' mules , but to answer as few queih-
nns as you kin , an' saem sort o' keer-
less whedder yo offer am 'cepted or
not. " [ Brother Gardner in Detroit
Tree Press.
IMPIUiTIES.
_
You must excuse the reverend gen
tleman if his sermons lack substance
just now , his time is si much taken
np with grab bsgs and raffljs.
Mr. S nkeyasks : "Oh , where are
the nine ? " Oh , they are bandaging
their sick thumbs and poulticing their
lame eyee for next summer's cam
paign.
Talmage is bounded on the north
by his ears , on the south by his feet ,
on the eist and west by his elbows.
H'm. Where does his month come
in !
Fourteen female missionaries have
gone out to work among the Utah
Mormons. It is hop ad that they will
not all marry the same man and so
contract their usefulness.
"Why , " asknd a Sunday schoolteacher
-teacher of a little boy , "did Jacob
marry the two daughters of Lib an ! "
"I dunne , except perhaps he was sat
isfied with one mother-in-iaw.1
Occasionally men torn np u
preachers who claim to be reformed
actors , whatever they may be. When
a reformed preacher , however , leaves
the pulpit and becomes an actor on
the dramatic stage , he mutt rest Ira
merits on what he is rather than on
what he has been.
A Cleveland bny w s a ked by his
teacher if he did not ' 'want to be an
angel and witi the angeh sUnd. "
Said the biy : "I would rather stand
here until after Christmas , and see if
Santa Claus docs not briug ma a top
and a new sled. "
A cute little five-year old , whose
parents were connec ed with the Pres
byterian church , said : " Alumm.i ,
was Christ a Jew ? " "Y-n , dear , " re
plied the mother. "WJI , that's
strange , now isn't it , mamma , when
his father , God , was a Presbj terian ? "
The minister asked the Sunday
school : "With what remirkabie weapon
pen did Sampson at one 'iiue ' slay a
number of Phillistinea ? ' ' F < ir a while
there was no answer , and tha minis
ter , to assist the ch Id-en a little , be
gan tapping his jaw with the tip of
finger , at the i > ame time sivmg :
"What's this what's thiQuick
aa thought a little fellow qni e inno
cently replied : "Tne jaw oona of an
ass , sir. "
A few thoughts in church : "ThU
sermon is a bore" "How much
longer will he preach ? " "That mm
isn't at all b d looking. " "I wocdur
if Emma is engaged. " "Well , if old
Mrs. Fee Fee isn't wearing i > turban ,
too. " "I wonder how much lhat
bonnet cjst. " ' 'It sounds as if he
was going to clnae up the sermon. "
"I do wish that Bernbardtsaason hid
commenced. " "I've a great tniud to
have it trimmed with scarlet" "I
must order a new pair of of shoes to
morrow and the material for that
wrapper , and visit Mme. X'a to try on
that dress. " "There's Ed. Oochuak
we saw in Newport last summer. "
"How that girl does laool" "Amen !
My ! isn't it nice to get nut. "
EDUCATIONAL.
Philadelphia has at present no
niqht school * , as all the appropriations
made for the purpose were loug ago
exhausted.
The preparatory drpirtment of Lin
coln Dniversi'y bus sent altogether
400 young colored men to the Sou'h
as teachers or minis'era. The col-
legiute department has graduated 133
students.
The Siberian University is rapidly
becoming established. The Rtia-iau
government bifore the fnunlatmn
stone was laid hid nxpended $355 000.
A library of 35,000 volumes his al
ready been c dieted.
A very large majority of the classi
cal teachers and ot the claisicil first-
class men who recently voted on the
question of the ftMabl shment of a
scientific degree at Cttnbridge Univer
sity were on the luting side hat of
science.
Common school education is receiv
ing quite a general diacu'sion through
the press of iho country. The opin
ion obtains in miny cases that the
great mistake of our system is th < t it
does not seek to provide pupilj with
an industrial education.
After several years' eip rimenting
with costly machinery and apparatus ,
the Indianapolis school board bus been
compelled to direct the committee on
building ! an-1 grounds to investigate
and report the cost of fitting up tha
buildings now heated by steam with
stoves. Steam-heating has not proved
satisfactory enlur in ventilation or
the d'stribution of heat.
Them are six. cosmopolitan school )
in San Franc'sjo in which French cr
Gi-rman is taught. There . - ir438 pu
pils atudiut ; Frf uch and 2.005 at dy
ing German. Of nil these pupils 669
are the children of American D.-uenU.
The annuil x pauses of 1 htse schools
amount to $6,528 , and the progress of
the pupils is exceeduplv sntisfictory.
It is proposed to est bliah a cosmo
politan primary school.
In Kii gston , N. Y , the graded
school system IB pronuunc d a failure
by the board of education. One of
its members says : "We are obliging
every pup 1 to prepare to yo into and
through the aciderny ; we are bound
down with too much red Upe ; and all
the energies of our teachers are ex
hausted in forcing compliance with
certain prescribed rules and rogu'a-
tions , and the poor victim zed boys
and virlo are given to understand that
rumum bonum of existence is in re
in mbering the necessity of turning
out the toes at a corUin angle when
standing in class " While this state
ment may seem alitllotoo impetuous ,
it is not wi'huut reason. There it
nothing so destructive of thorough and
intelligent teaching as "can iron
rules , " and of these the American
school syst. m is full.
A Poll Parroe.
St. Lonli Republican , Dec. 16b.
Tom Hand , the deputy constable in
Jmtice P. J. Tdaffi'a court , went out
yesterday to se-zi § 20 worth of goods
from Mrs. Robert Morton of No. 717
Chestnut street. When he got over
there he found the home cleaned nut
and nothing left ia it but Mrs. M ir-
ton's pet poll parrot , which was
parched away upon a window sill.
Tom nused all around the huuie , and
not finding anything w.is about to
leave with empty h nda , when the
parrot sung oui : "Hilloa ! Hilloa !
H lloa ! " T.im looked up and siw the
bird. "Here's 8 > mrtthing , " "ii he
to himself , "that's woith § 2J ; I'll
hitch on to it. " He reached up to
grass P 11 , but Poll would not be
seized and pecked at him and sung :
"Hands ofll Hands off ! I'll call tbe
pe-lers ! "
"I'm a constable , " said Tom ; "I'va
got the papers there , and you can call
whom please. "
' Durn the nspsrs. " said Poll.
"Police ! noltce ! "
Tom made another grab , and this
time caught Poll by the throat and
carried her over to court. When he
got thera he put her in a basket. As
soon as Poll's throat was free again
she opened another tirade on Tom.
She called hira all manner of t : n ° 8 ,
and ended each aentenco with , "You
cau go to Chicago ; you are no gentle
man. "
Poll had bsgun to give the rourt as
well as the cinsUbla a p'c a of her
mind when Mrs. Morton c n and
paid the 820 susd for. S * md she'
would sooner pay ? 40 thf lose her
Poll. Then she picked Poll up and
k'fljpd her and carried her away ; and
ai the cnt nut of c urt Pi 11 called
with a loud v IICP , " 0 , the loafers ; O ,
the dirty loaferC.msiaMe ! Carroll ,
his deputy , and all the other i fficera
of the court any that Mrs Morton' *
parrot can "cuss" louder and more to
the point "than any msn they ever
see. "
THE COLORADO
BUSINESS COLLEGE
Thli Institution , located at Denver , Co'or > do ,
iho Hduatlontl anj Commercial center ul the
West. Is prc-cmin nt'y the oeec and must practi
cal of lt kind ( or the
MERCANTILE TRAINING
OF
Young Men and Ladies.
G. W. FOSTER , President ,
D. W. CADY , Secretary.
The moat extensive , thorough and complete
nstitu'Jon ot the kind in the world. Tnousandg
of accounants and Ru sin era men , in the prin
cipal cities and towns of the United States , owe
their auccest to onr cuurcc if training.
The Rieht Kind of Education for
Young Men and Ladies.
Floe , new brick block , at junction ot three
rtreet car line * E'e antljr fltUd and furnished
apartments ( or tbe application of and carrying
out ef our novel and systematic methods ol
BUSINESS TRAINING ,
Young men who contemplate a buelnMS life ,
aad parent * having son * to educate , are particu
larly requested to * end for our new Circular ,
which will iclve full information as to terms ,
ondltion of entrance , etc. Address
G. W. FOSTER , President , .
.Vn Dnnvor. Coiornrt" .
3B35CCJ JQ
Machine Works ,
QTVT ArfgrA. ,
J. Hammond , Prop. & Manner.
Tnti uio.i ttiiirni gh appointe ami complete
Unuhlne Rhopa anil Foundry In the -late
Cutlncs of ever1 d ecr pt'on ' inaiufact d
Fnrlnes , Pumps anil eve y class uf machinery
made to order.
order.pocl.ll atten'lnn ftivcn to
Well Augurs. PuUi ys , Hangers ,
Shafting , Itriilgc Irons , Gccr
batting , etc
Flanitornew Machlnery.Hcachanleal Draught
nit , llndeli. etc. . nsallv executed.
fi8 Harnev t. . Bet. 14m nnd Ifith.
BUSINESS COLLEGE.
TH GREAT WESTERN
Gco.IL Ratlibun , Principal. '
Creighton Block , - OMAHA
Send for Circular.
East Tnflia Tile Cnro. The
only specific for nil forms of
Pilrs. In use ia foreign conn-
tries for years , lately intro
duced into America. Warranted -
ed to gtfvo instant relief .and a
permanent cure guaranteed.
Sold by all druggists or mailed
free on receipt of price , 50
cents , by.the American agents ,
Richardson & Co. , Wholesale
Druggists , Saint Louis , Mo.
ZARA'S IttLIOUS PILLS ,
guaranteed to give immediate
relief in all cases of Bilious
and Liver Complaints , Costiveness -
tiveness , Sick Headache , In.
digestion , and cleansing the
system of nil imparities. Price
25 cents. All druggists sell
them.
them.ZARA'S
UJ USE TORTT TEARS.
DP. Storm's
CELEBRATED SCOTCH
A Safe and Pleasant Remedy fof
COUGHS , COLDS. ASTHMA ,
HOARSENESS and Strengthen
ing the Lungs.
SOLD EVERYWHERE.
Price only 10 ( Dents.
A. W. XASON.
ID E 3ST 0 ? S 0 ? ,
Omci : Jacob' * B et , eon.er Cipiuil Ave. and
Ifith Street , OnciM , Keb.
HIK I > \liV HKK.
OMAHA PUBLISHING CO. . PROPRIETORS-
916 Pa.niha.-m , del. itm and lock i > lreed
TErtMS OK SUBSCRIPTION ,
1 Copy 1 year , in advance ( postpaid ) 33.00
8rmntig " " 4.00
3 months " " 2.00
1 Ml T BlES
THE MAILS.
0 , ft N. W. U. R. . 630 a. m. , 2:40 p. m
C. B. ft Q B :30 a. m. , 2:40 p. m.
C. R 1 * P R. R6SO a , m. , 2:40 p. ra
CSt Joe 5:50 a. m
S. City ft H. 530a.m.
0. P. R. R. , 11:40 a m.
0. & R. V. to Lincoln , 10 a. m.
B. ft M. R. R , Bttl a m.
0. fc N. W. , 7 C a m.
C. & N. W. R. R. , 11 a. m. , 11 p. m.
C. B. & Q. , 11 a. m , 930 p. m.
0. R I. & P. , 11 a. m , 11 p m.
C B. & St , loe. . 11 a.m. , II p. m.
U P R. R. . 4 p m
O. & R. V. from Lincoln , 12:10 p. in ,
S City & P. , 11 a. m.
B. 4M. In Neb. , 4 p. m.
Loral m ls ! ( or SUtes Iowa leave bat once a
day , vi : 4:30 a m.
i Office oiK-nfrom 12 to 1 p. m. Sundays.
TBOMAS K HALL Po tnuswr.
Arrival Ami Departure of
Trains
ONION PACIFIC.
L1AVB. 1RBIVI.
Dally Eipross..12:16 p.m. S:26p.m.
do Mired 6.11pm. 4:25 p. m.
do Freight 530 a. m. 1:40 p. IP.
do do 8:15a. m. 12:20a.m. :
TI1IK CARD OF THE BDRUNOTON.
LliVI OIUBA. ARRITS OMAHA
Express . . . .3:40p m. Express 100 a. m ,
Hall 6:00 a. m. Mall 10:00 p m.
Sundays Excepted. Sundays Excepted.
CHICAGO.'BOCK ISLAND & PACIFIC.
Mall 6:00 a. m. I Hall 10:00 : p. m.
Express 3:40 : p.m. ) Expreaa 10:00 a. m.
CHICAGO NORTHWESTERN.
Hail 6r 0 a. m. I MaU . . . . .728p.m.
K praas 8:40 PI m. | Express..10:00 a. m.
Sundays excepted.
KANSAS crrr.sT. JOE & COUNCIL BLDFFB
LBAVX 1RR1V1.
Hall . . .8:00 a. m. I Express 7 : 0a.m ,
Express 60p.m. | Mafl 7:2t > i.m.
The only line rnnnlne Pullman Sleeping Can
out of Omaha to Union Depot.
OUAHA & NORTHWESTERN AND ( SIODZ
CITY & PACIFIC EAILROADB.
Kxprce3.J..BKK ) a. m. | Fxpree * 4JO p m.
Dally Except Sundays.
B & If. R. R. in NEBRASKA.
I/KIVJI. ARR VB.
Kxpre-a 8 : < 0am | Frteht 8SOam
Froght e.55pm [ Expr < ) 8 4:1. ) pm
SIOUX CITY & ST. P\UL R R.
MJ1 6:10am | tip ess 10:00 am
Eipre-8 8,40pm | n 720 p m
WABASH , ST. LOUIH& PACIFIC.
LIAVKS. ARRIVES.
Mill 8 . m. I U ll _ _ . 11:55 a m
Express 3:40 p. m | Express 4:25 p. m.
BRIDGE DIVISION U. P. R R.
Lcivo Omaha , dally. 8 a m , 9 a. m , 10 a m. ,
11 a. m. . 1 p. m. , 2 p. m. , 3 p. m , 5 p. m , , 6 p.
m. ,
Irf-ave Council Binds ; 8:25 a. m. , 9-25 a. m , ,
10:26 a m. , 11:26 a. m , lK p in , 2:25 p. m. ,
8:26 p. m , 5:25 p. m. , 6:25 p. m. ,
Four trfps on Sunday , leavlne Omiha at 9 and 11
a m. , 2 and 5 p. m ; Council RluCta at 9:25 ,
11:25 a m , and 2:25 and 6:25 p m.
PAS35NOIR TRAINS.
Leave "maha : 6 a. m. , 7 a. m. , 830 . m. , 1
p m. , 4.50 p. m. , 7:25 p. m. .
Leave Council Bluffs : 6:15 a. m , , 9:40 a. m ,
11:40 a , m.5:25p m , 700 p. m. , 7:60 p. m.
Daily except Sund.ty.
OMAAA & REPUBLICAN VALLEY R. .
LBAVI , ARRIVZ.
Kail 10:45 a. m. , 4:35 p. m.
Dillv except Sundays.
CHARLES POWELL ,
" UST1CE OF THE PEACE orner 16th and
Farnhara Sta. , Omaha Keb.
% M. SIMERAL ,
AT LAW Room 6. Creighton
ATTORNEY St , OMAHA HEB. _
D. L THOMAS ,
* TTORNKT AT LAW Loans mouey , huys
O and sells real etrtate. Boom 8 , Crelghton
3l"Cl > .
_
A. C. THOUP ,
A TTORNEy AT LAW Office In Hanscom's
A. Blocis , with Oaonte K Pritohett , 1606
"ttmhttn m. OMAHA. NEB.
_
DEXTER L. THOMAS ,
a .TTOSNKV AT LAWOralcK nank B Solid
A ! Inir
A. M. CHAUWICR ,
* TTORNEY AT LAW Office 16M Famham
\ < < .
tr et.
_
_ _ _ _
"HM. L. PEA800Y ,
, - AWYSR Olce In CrBlRhton Block , next t
U PortOfflca , OUAHA , NEBRASKA ,
7O7ABV rOBHO. COIiBCTTIONB UADK
0'3B5 H & BARIi-ETT ,
Attorneys-at-Law ,
OFFICE-Onlon Block.ntetnth an ? Farnham *
30. J3
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
ARBACH BLOCK. COR. DOUGI6TH 8T8.
OMAHA. WEB.
<
W. J. Connell ,
A.ttorney-a t-La w.
Offloe : Front roomg , np gtaln , In Bunocom'i
iew brick building , N. W. corner Fifteenth and
famham Streeta
. KIDIOX. CHa R. BIDIOK
REDIGE & REDICK ,
A.ttorneys-at-Law.
Spod&l attention wflJ be given to all tnlta
ffalnrt corporations of erery description ; will
, -ractlce in al Ithe Conrta of the BUto and the
7ntUd States. Office , Famham St. , opposite
Jonrt tTonne. _ _ _ _
EDWARD tf. SIMERAL ,
A RORKET AT LAW Room 6 Creighton
l\ _ Block , Uth and Dog.lag utreeti. no8dh
6. F. MAHDERSON ,
TTORNXT AT LAW Ul Famham Stntt
A : Omaha Ktbraeka.
W. T. KICII1R08. a. J. HOW I
RICHARDS & HUNT ,
A.ttorneys-at-Law ,
07ric 215 South Fourteenth Street.
VINEGAR WORKS !
ERV'ST KBEBS , Maoager. .
Mii' uficiurer of all kinds of
'et St Btt 3th a.lutlt. . ( HI AH a ,
jJL
i
TUB MERCHANT TAILOR ,
Ispreiiared to make Pants , Snts and overcoati
to order. Prices , fit and workmanship guaranteed
to cult.
Ono Door West cf OrtilcKshanlt's.
alOly
UNO. G. tJACOBS ,
( rormrrly of Utah & Jreota )
RTAKi
No. 1417 FMnham ri'- , Old SUnd of Jacob Ob
ORDKOS B7 TKLRGRAPB
ra > rt , lc. Jlii diy atom ? enily ravle'.crjh
512 oatBt f.-e .A'ldre .Tn 4 Co.Portlad.Me.
HOLIDAY GOODS
§ 60.
"APPROPRIATE GIFTS , "
Suitable for a Christmas Present.
Gurnet Black Silks , Satin and Pearl Fans ,
Gurnet's Cashmere Silks , Emb'd Fancy Baskets ,
Telliurd Black Silks. Pearl Card Cases ,
Te.liard 24-iuch Silks , Belts , Purses and Fans ,
Alcxamlrc Black S.lks , Silk Hosiery ,
Party Dress Silks , Collars and Cuffs ,
Brocade Silks and Velvets , Sets in Fancy Boxes , .
Cloak and Dress Velvels , Ladies' Handkerchiefs ,
Silk and Wool Dress Goods , Gentlemen's Handkerchiefs ,
Lupin's Black Cashmeres , Children's Handkcrchufs ,
Slimla Cloths ai. < l Momics , Ladies' Fine Hosiery ,
and Satins , Gents' Mufflers and Tics ,
and Dolmans , Initial Handkerchiefs ,
Walking Jackets undllamlocks , Fancy Jewelry ,
Ulsters and ( ircnlars , ftarris Kid Gloves ,
Fur Lined Hrculars , Foster Kid Gloves ,
Camel's Hair Shan Is , . . Gorvin Kid Gloves ,
Fine Wool Shawls , * Spanish Lace Tics ,
Blankets and Kobcs , Bcal Duchess Lace ,
Piano Covers and Spreads , Turkish Satin Ties ,
Table Covers and Tidies , Lace Fichus ,
Satin Emb'd Tidies , Real Lace Ties ,
Lace Curtains ,
IVIiLLINERY. M1LLINRY. SCARLET UNDERWEAR.
We Particularly urge the gentlemen to come and
make a selection from the above named articles ,
being confident that we have the largest and best
assorted stock in Omaha , and many novelties ex
clusively our own. Although we have a. large an
efficient staff of help , we ask an early call , to
avoid the afternoon rush.
A. CRUICKSHANK & GO.
J
Importers and Relailers.
\
HOLIDAY GOODS.