THE HESPERIAN.
1
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The right-hand corner of the left-hand side of a
this side of the hall on a floor of Nebraska
Scene,
room on
hall.
Dramatis Personae; Wastehasketii spitii;. Baron; Mons.
Von Hucklelerry; Mr. Stoughton and t'other Fellow,
Time; Any Sunday morning.
Wast. Spt. Does irrigation pay?
Har. Irrigation is an unfruitful investment.
V. S. Do irrigation pay?
Mons. Von H. Oni! Oui! Monsieur. Sehr grosse.
V. S. Is it profitable to irrigate?
Mr. S. In the very arid localities where the meterologi
cal conditions are such that the precipitation and evapora
tion do not have the proper correlation, and the commercial
interests arc favorable, it may or may not be conducive of
profit. Etc., Etc. Ad infinitum.
When the practice of "bouncing" first struck this institu
tion, a year ago last Field day, after several "tutcs" and
numerous alumni had been bounced and the boys had got
somewhat in practice, they surrounded Dr. Billings with the
intention of putting him up." The doctor's vocabulary,
however, was in good repair that day and he very soon
convinced the boys that the most of them were needed else
where, and before they returned the doctor had gone in pur
suit of the agile bacterium.' Later in the day one of the Profs, in
talking with Dr, Billings, casually remarked to him that
the boys were almost mad over the reception that he gave
them in the morning.
' "Well, , I've been bounced before, and if I
care for any more of it. I don't care to be fired up to the
ceiling and be let drop on a hard floor," remarked the
doctor, very blankly.
"But, doctor," replied Prof, "this is not the German
bounce, but the Canadian, and it is considered an honor to
the one bounced."
"Oh! , that alters the case; are the boys around
yet!" and the doctor was on the point of rushing off to find
them and apologise for his misunderstanding of the situation
but was informed that it was too late.
The Lincoln public and Lincoln public schools are indulg
ing in a great "hulla-ba-loo" because one of the teachers took
it upon herself to chastise impertinent Young America with a
piece of rubber hose. Grievous charges of "assault and bat"
tery with malicious intent" have been preferred against the
"frail young lady teacher" by the "outraged mother" of the
aforesaid impertinent Young America. A learned doctor has
propounded learned questions to a learned public upon the lat
est methods instilling knowledge into the person of impertin
ent Young America. For the benefit of the learned doctor we
would presume to say that the hose used by the "frail young
teacher" was not a section of firehose with a nozzle attached.
No, the hose used was probably more nearly the size of a
shoe string, and made of soft rubber. In answer to the ques
tion of the Learned Doctah, as to why this chastisement was
not used extensively at the high school and University, we
would say that we have not "frail lady teachers;" no, indeed,
and the muscular professors find that a club can be used more
advantageously to instil knowledge into Young America after
he has reached the high school or University stage of his
career. And with reference to whether the rubbbcr hose
was a prescribed text-book in the fifth grade of the public
school, we would like to say, that if "fond mothers," "learn
cd doctors" and "kronic kickers," would devote a greater
portion of their time in grafting upon Young America the
first principles of respect, decency and obedience, they would
be conferring upon their posterity a far greater blessing than
they do by kicking because some one else performs for them
the duty for which they lack the moral stamina.
CURRENT COMMENT.
There is a tendency among certain ones of our politicians
to gain distinction by methods that appear not the most hon
orable. There is a tendency to cringe before and cater to
every whim of the old soldiers. Now, while we think that
every union soldier, who was in any manner disabled in the
late war, should by right obtain a pension, yet there is good
reason to suspect that almost all such personshave long-ago
been rewarded. New claims for pension have been springing
up by the score more than a quarter of a century after the
war closed and it appears to be a sort of ardemagogue's trick
lor anybody to rant about the grievance of Grand Army "men
as do some of our prominent statesmen of the present-day.
If this state of affairs continues, and if we ever have another
great war, in what manner will its veterans be regarded? Of
course we are only supposing a case, but another war may
happen and then its veterans will look for greater rewards
than were bestowed upon the men whose valor saved the na
tion. This tendency of indiscriminately conferring pensions
and of setting a price upon war by catering to the whims of
old soldiers, should be discouraged. We should remember
the spectacle of Rome bowing down before the veterans of
Marius and Sulla. We should remember how the army, led
by demagogues, finally overthrew the Roman republic which
it was supposed to protect. AU knowledge of the present
time has been discovered by experience, sometimes bitter ex
perience, in the past. Let us then appreciate at their true
worth the dangers which surround us and steer clear of 'the
reef upon which the Roman ship of state went to pieces.
Although it may seem a little early to make predictions
as to the probable fate of the proposed prohibition amend
ment to our constitution when it comes before the people one
year from next November, yet certain events have trans
pired within the past few days that may have no small influ
ence on the coming struggle. We are now enclosed upon
three sides by states that have decided upon prohibition. A
constant stream of lawless ruffians and persons of lewd char
acter are settling our state, and this class cannot but have
its effect upon the election. We ask the intelligent voters of
this state if they wish to have this kind of people taking up
their abode in our midst? Do the citizens of Nebraska wish
to see second editions of Covington established in our state
just across the line from the large towns of Kansas, Iowa,
Dakota? Another circumstance, which, if it be true, (and it
seems likely that it is) may not be without effect, is the fact
that all the liquor interests of Omaha-have been consolidated
into one corporation in which the persons most interested are
Englishmen. The orators who in the late campaign so much
lamented that English gold was being used to secure the elec
tion of Cleveland need now have no vague suspicions that
British gold will be used to defeat prohibition. These Eng
lish capitalists will certainly use all their influence to defeat
prohibition as it means the destruction of their interests. It
seems that the English people have made up their minds
that the high tariff will not be repealed for some time to
come and so they arc going to smuggle in British goods at
the back door. By coming over here and establishing manu
factories upon our soil they are dodging the tariff. All
good people, then, who believe in shutting out English goods
from our markets should arise and vote for prohibition be-