THE HESPERIAN.
ii
NONDESCRIPT.
THEY WON'T BE MISSED.
Now some day it may happen that a "subject" must he found,
(All of you keep whisht. Let cieryody whistJ)
So we'll to alee a little diagram, and pass the same around,
Of those who'd not bemissed who iutvt would be missed.
There's the Janior always twisting an invisible mustache
And the tutor in the corridor who's looking for a mash
And the man who "hasn't studied," but recites the lesson pat,
("Forwehnowhe'sworkcd like hlazcsorhc couldn't answer
that!")
And debaters who will spout away till from offthc floor they're
hissed
They'd none of 'em be missed they'd none of 'em be missed.
There's the Prep who drags his mud-hooks all along the
stair-way mats
And the Freshy with the single sole ejaculation, "Rats!"
There's the co-cd whoprctends tobe too swell to like the slate
And the pomp adoring idiot with that stiff hair on his pate
There's the prodigy ""so brainy" who of his marks is proud
And his opposite, the flunker, with his lying statements loud
And thcrough and readymedicwho's so handy with his fist
Thcy'duoncof'cm be missed we're jwrrthey'd not be missed.
There's'hc man whoha.-.tohcm and hawbeforehecan begin,
And the one who'd swallow poison 'fore he'd stop his
wagging chin,
And the man who gets off chestnuts 'bout the sire of people's
feet
And the thing with nothing to him 'cept his horrible conceit
And the Frof. who gives you fifty 'stead of sixty for a mark
And the reckless boys and girls who like to teeter after dark
And the sentimental masher who calls himself a Platonist,
We don't think he'd be missed we're sure he'd not be
missed.
There's the Treppy who imagines he will mash a Senior girl
"Rushers" who will argue tell your head is in a v lurl
All cranks who auestion Profs, and mystify the class
All persons who enjoy the trick of turning off the gas
There's the girl avho "leaves you" with a letter so polite.
That you think she doesn't mean it and get left another night.
There's the "towny" who will cutyou with a penetrating gaze.
There's the awkward stair-ascender who keeps dodgingtHffer-
ent ways,
And who never can be missed, we've got him on the list.
There's the man who from the book-shelves steals away
all works of reference
All wicked chaps who for j-our hat and rubbers show a pref
erence All Profs, who are disposed to pun, and those who at them
grin
All imps who in the roading room keep up that horrid din
All girls who seem like the sport of sliding down the stairs,
And those who sit in groups thereon and block the thorough
fares All funny college poets vho are "by the muses kissed"
They never will be missed 'they never will be missed.
foretelling the weather has become a regular profession.
Not Hq be out done in such matters The HissrnKiAX has
made arrangements to give prognostications. "We have a
kpuciallinc to Washington add our news can be relied upon
as the latest and the most correct The forecast for the com
ing tern) U as follows: In Junior Physics, Sophomore History
and Preparatory Latin, a higher temperature will prevail,
but with occasional cold snaps followed by a few flunks. In
Germany the weather will rcnain unsettled and unsatisfac
tory, but generally cold. In France extreme cold for a few
weeks, causing much exertion, some swearing, and perhaps a
little study. The Freshmen may look for a mild but contin
ued cold spell in mathematics, and in History will be certain
'to get thunder, lightning, liail, and perhaps ace-beres. The
. ... ' , ., - - . ; . -
seniors wm meet a neavy Jiog in 'psychology, i he Sopho
mores will find the Old English weather cold, with winds
shifting to the South, and but little sunshine. Precisely one
week before the close of the term the Registrar will hang the
cold wave signal on the bulletin, and for several days a
howling blizzard will prevail. Then will come sweet peace,
ditto Spring, and the congregation will rise and be dismissed.
See if it don't.
The medics are a good looking lot of fellows and this paper
likes them, but our veneration for the truth and the whole
truth wrings from us the admission that thc3 have no sand.
If they were brave, "why did they hurry out with such frantic
haste when that Tadiator in their lecture room began "thump
ing?" If they had sand why were they so anxious to look at
the front steps on the day that John was testing the safety
valve? Why did they fairly fall over each other
in their efforts to get away from the hiss of that innocent
steam? Answers solicited
He was a tramp. He limped into the office, wiped his
boots on the brussels carpet, and grinned as though he ex
pected to be recognised. But he wasn't. The Nondescript
sized him up as a needy typographical tourist, and after giv
ing him a iew forcible directions as to the distances and best
walks to the city printing offices, returned to the weary task
of deciphering Grossic Tolk's last joke, with the aid of dia
grams, an atlas, and two lexicons. His trampship watched
the painful proceeding for some time with a languid smile and
finally broke ont wilh"Sa, you're the fellow who got up that
alleged chestnut that appeared in the exchange column of
your paper last time aren't you? Well 1 thought so. I was
down at Kansas University when it appeared, and came right
up here to look at you. Proud of the thing, are you? You
ought to be" But why didn't j'ou label it? One man thought
it was a turnip, another swore it was an onion, and a third
thought that it was made to represent a broken heart. I
knew what it meant at once because I'm a chestnut myself
"College Chestnut' is what they call me. My business 3s to
work for the college piess. Yes, its a pretty good business,
but a little over done just now. Annual crop is pretty large,
and then no one ever retires, as a chtstnut never gets too old
to get a job on some fool college periodical. How many of
us are there? Well about five hundred in active service I
guess. You see a college paper is a queer thing anyway and
different from any oilier kind. New editors are elected every
few months, aud they are as green as grass. They'll print
anything they come across think that a thing is new because
they haven't seen it before. In that way the oldest and most
worm-eaten chestnuts find pretty regular employment. For
instance look at old FirstpaperpublishedatDarmouthin
iSoawitbDanielWebsterasacontrlbutor. He is as bald as
an onion, hasn't a tooth in his head and is too doorepit to am
bulate, yet he appeared fifty-six times during the last year,
and in some of the best papers too. Now you needn't smile,
forhe's been engaged on The Hesi'BKIAN at six different times,
and you hired him yourself once. Who iun I? Not an ordi
nary plebeian chestnut, not much! I'm The Paiiodv, that's
what, the most popular member of the family that works in
the college world. I have more than I can do, and would
looka'little more respectable if the walking was better be
tween colleges. Well, guess I'll mosey down to Crete, and
tacklelhc Owl folks for a job. They need something to 3ive
em Tip: Next time j'ou fellows do a rope act .send for me -and
111 come and immortalize the thing in yerse. So-long."
