Hesperian student / (Lincoln [Neb.]) 1872-1885, April 01, 1875, Page 8, Image 8
8 THE HESPERIAN STUDENT. TITE LOCAL AT WORK AMONG OUR EXCHANGES. The income of Oxford last year was $2, 000,000; ot Cambridge, $1,500,000. Anna, virumque cano is translated by a ShurtloH' Freshman, The man with n dog in liis arms. Ex. "We have often heard of monopolies, but the other da in the class-room, a student employed n flguro now to us: "A second rate monopolation." Qui Vive. Professor: ""What is a koy-stono?" Smart Junior, after much hesitation, "An amphibious animal, sir." Ho was at once promoted in the air. College Message. A Burr Oak young lady entered a store lately, and wanted to see the papers for a week back, and the intelligent clerk showed a roll of sticking plaster. Tyro. See the difference in the synonyms "Cork up" and "Dry up." The latter stops up permanently, but "Cork up" gives hope Of another How of nonsense. Trinity Toilet, i Prof, in Rhetoric. ""What isloutologyf" Senior: A superabundance of sense." Prof. Then there is very little tautology in this class. Excused." University lie porter. A Freshman complains that his father sends bi-weekly letters, but no checks. A Sophomore friend assures him that this is a proof of MiMiMattection. Harvard 'Advocate. "We boast of a remarkable "chin". Who can furnish us with a corresponding face? Central Collegian. We have two or three students here who could furnish "cheek" for a half dozen schools and local editors. A " vestal" happened upon the following passage in French the other day: " Ue jour la, vous m'avez cmbrassc," and rendered it. " That day you embarrassed inc." " Very I natural that it should," returned the pro-' fessor. Ex. I Yale boasts of having educated 14(i Congressmen, 441 U. S. Senators), rG College ' Presidents, 0 Bishop-:, 14 Ministers to for-' cign courts, 33 Governors, 23 Lieutenant-! Governors, 143 Judges and 9 members of. the President's Cabinet. Ex. I A man whose eyesight was not good, ' was recommended to try glasses He ' says he went to the nearest driukiiig.su-' loon and took four and the result was that ' his eyesight was so much improved that! Jic could see double. Institute. j A young man asked for a copy of Ho. : -mer's " Odyssey at the library, the other I day, and the assistant librarian not finding ' .it, remarked in a reflective and innocent ! way, " Well we haven't any of Homer's ' latest works in at present. Ibid. Professor: " What English word have we derived from Tantalus?" Soph: "Don't remember." Professor: Tan lalize, is it not?" Soph; (somewhat be. wildered, but with an air of sudden rec. ollection): "'Dandelions; oh, yes sir!" Junior Class. Prof. "Mr. P , trans, late J" Studentr-"I pass, Professor.'' Prof. " I order you up, Mr. P ." An other Student (well versed In the art) "You can't order up a man after he'a passed." Professor promises to think it over. Collegian. A student who evidently enjoys Hebrew lias kindlygiven directions how it should be read: Turn the book' upside down, open at tlio end, put it In one corner of the room, stand on your head In the other corner, begin at the bottom line and read backwards. Argiu. The Faculty of Harvard College have forbidden the various societies from tak ing part in public amusements where an admission fee is charged. The movement does not meet the entire approval of the students, as it interferes with the Interests of boating, base ball, etc. Mas , why did you keep address- ing mo as 'landlord' the other evening at the -PhiliiP banquet?" Smiling she an swered, " Because you bored mo." Junior subsides and regrets that he ever gave up chopping logs in order to gain a college education. Lawrence Collegian. Prof. Are .you prepared this morning, Mr. ? Senior. Yes, sir; kind of pre pared. Prof. Please explain what you mean by kind of prepared? Senior. Well, I thought that between myself and yourself we might make a recitation. Prof. That will do, r. Targum. History Class Student " Professor, are kings and queens always the highest ?' Professor "Certainly, why. do you ask such a nonsensical question?" Student "Because 1 noticed that in a game of Rail road Euchre, the joker . Professor: " Leave the room, sir!" Niagara Index. Out! of our Sophs lost hi-. Trigonome try lately. The finder reports that he found the following written on the fly-' leaf: " I "Yolo Iiiiiic lllirn in effc lu Inforno ; Kgu nuilhoiimtlcH vchumentur tunio. In (uIh iiUiirthnnuin cgonunqimm curuo.".V Professor "What is Eternity?" Stu dent "Eternity isn't time!" Professor "Yes; but what is it?" Student "Well, it is you set now, suppose you had an eight day clock that went forever; why that would be eternity." Professor con cludes to waive, the question. Niagara Index. Senior, to his innocent Frushmau room mate." Well, how did you like Charlotte! Cushmau as Lad- 3lnebeth?" Fresh. "O, pretty well; but do you think that' kind of play is as good as a tragedy?"! Senior looks slightly surprised, and then smiles sweetly, but does not venture an opinion. Vohnle. A student inerks his book with a lead pencil, in order, he says, to be sure not to' study the same part twice. Dal. Gazette. A t-cientiftc who studied Physiology last i term, but is studying Geometry this, when ' asked what a figure of four sides was call.' ed, replied 4-n quadrigeminal body." ' Westminster Monthly. ' Professor: "Nero used to station men in various narts of the theatre t minlnml ' J ho noise of the clapping of twen- him. ty-fivc hundred pairs of hands was enor mous" Class experiments. Professor continuing, "and when any one clapped at the wrong time he was put out of the thea tre !" Class subsides. 7 rin ity Tablet. Scene, Museum. A now student look irg at a skeleton. Student "Say, professor, who was this lellow when alive?" Prof." My good fellow, he was a theo logical student, who attempted U, board himself on twenty-five cento a week, and the sequel is the unhappy spectacle before you. Ex. Tutor to Soph. "Do you understand this statement?" Soph. "No, sir." Tutor. "You may demonstrate at the board that the statement is not a correct one." w-rrtci Soph."! accept the statement, sir." Beautiful example of childlike trust Univ. Reporter. The following story Mr. Thackeray used to toll of himself. When at a dinner at a hotel one day, ho heard ono waiter say to another, "Do you know who that is?" "No," was the reply. " That is the celebrated Mr. Thackeray. "What's ho done?" "Blest if I know." Volant. A lady of our city, a short time since, was speaking of the lack of learning and general information among our young la dies, as an instance she said, "when Miss was in the High School, there was to be a tableau, In which she was to take part, and she borrowed a Bible of one of her classmates to find out what rut of a cos tume Queen Elizabeth wore." Such Igno rance is deplorable and unpardonable. Ex. Scene, Math. Room. Mr. Smith at the board endeavoring to eliminate x, y and u from the equations. Professor comes and stands by Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith grows nervous and "puts it up tighter." Professor inquires blandly; "Whatdoyou want to get rid of now, sir?" Mr. Smitlu fearfully bored, replies: "Want to get rid of a, sir." Class applauds. Virg. Univ. Mag. When you meet men at the beginning of the term, the Freshman says, " Had a good lime; mother did not know me when I got home." Sophomore remarks, "Rather dull; haven't seen a card or a billiard cue for four weeks." Junior la ments, "Oh, yes; had a good time; but leaving my ; don't speak of it." Senior says, "Quite pleasant, thank you.' Ham. J.it. Miscellany. Slightly sarcastic was the clergyman who paused and addressed a man coming into church after a sermon had begun, with the remark: "Glad to sec you, sir; come in; always glad to see those late who can't come early." And decidedly self-possessed was the man thus addressed in the presence of an astonished congre gation as he responded: "Thank you; would you favor me with the text?" Ex, At the tea-table of one of our neighbor ing families, a few evenings since, the age ol horses was being discussed. One of the young ladies remarked that her pony was twelve years old Upon hearing this, the waiting-maid, a German girl, and new hand at the art, expressed her opin ion as follows: "Oh dat aint old, we got a horse wat.s twenty years old he is an old mare-" Institute. The Business Manager of this journal added the names of 240 new subscribers to the list last March. Omaha Ifioh School. Would that we had that Business Man agerhere! At what price can he be se cured? Doubtless, however, the High School would be loath to lose 6iich a pearl among Managers. We can only say to ours, " Go thou, and do likewise." An ambitious prep on waking found his eyelids stuck together so firmly as to re quire a full half-hour's soaking before he could appreciate day-light. As soon as he realized the fact that his room-mate had taken advantage of his sleeping condition to put a little mucilage on his eye lashes, he broke forth in an exhaustive review of the Billingsgate dictionary, and after enu merating all the forcible and appropriate adjectives and epithets therein contained, he wiped the perspiration from his brow, and sat down saying " ho would have to give the subject up for lack of a proper education." Ex. Mkt hib Fatk. A New Orloans Judge riding in the cars recently, from a single glance at the countenance of a lady by his side, imagined that ho know her, and ventured to remark the day was pleasant She only answered : "Yes." "Why do you wear a veil ?" "Lest I attract attention " "It is the province of gentlemen to ad. mire," leplied the gallant man of law, "Not when they arc married." "But I am not." "Indeed!" "Oh, no I I'm a bachelor." The lady quietly raised her veil, dig. closing to the astonished magistrate the lace of his moJher.fn.law. He has been a raving maniac ever since. Mute Joniuil of Neb. The Hesperian Student says the Imca Classic is the dullest of Its exchanges, Hie Classic is printed on very bad paper, yet we would be fully as loath to lose it as the Student. The latter is written chiefly by professors, and is no exception I to the ordinary class of college papers so I conducted. A little variety would be an ' improvement ; we find five articles signed with the same initials. Dalhousie Gazette. ! The Hesperian Student comes out in a jnew dress. Variety and lite are oharac- teristies of its pages. Targum. Comment on the above is perhaps un necessary further than to state that we ventured to criticize the Gazette rather se verely in a recent number of the Hesperii an. We also leave to the jndgmentofour readers the decision as to which is the best authority, the Dalhmisie Gazetteer the Targum. Through all his electioneeringcanipaign Mr. Greeley sat at public dinners and sun , pers where wine and spirits flowed "freub,, ;bul he never passed the bottle or touched j the liquor himelP The waiters who knew I his temperance principles were puzzled what tu do when they came to the row of glas.se fronting his plate. Usually they were directed by a look or gesture of the master of ceremonies to pass him by in 'silence; but on one occasion an Iri-li j servant would not abide an apparent breach of hospitality. ! "Hadn't ye better take something, sir, to 'get up an appetite like, after your hmg iride, sir?" the hospitable Hibernian whi. jn.-n.ii in uiu sianicu sage "A jutie hraii dy and wather wad do ye good, it would upon me sowl, sir." , The heartiness of the appeal struck the philosopher. He recognized the ring of ! true hospitality In its tones-, and his heart relented at the idea of depressing such -sterling virtue by a continued refusal. "Brandy and water?" said the gue.t. i" Well, Pat, I'll take half of that to oblige you. Give me the water and let some one else have the brandy." George Washington teas the Father of his country. He never told a lie. He knew how to use his little hatchet on his father's gooseberry bush. Naughty George! When we were young our lor ing parent would use the gooseberry bush on us. Bui we are not the " Father of our Country." Fact ! Niagara In lex. We havo had a striking example of what they call "travelling on check." Six young men lately engaged a 'bus, and stepping lightly In, they soon drove up with rapid pace to the Seminary. Alight ing, each ransacked his pockets, and the sum total of their .assets amounted to fif teen cents. Niagara hackmon aro gener ally a little sharper. Niagira Index.