8
THE HESPERIAN STUDENT.
TITE LOCAL AT WORK AMONG OUR
EXCHANGES.
The income of Oxford last year was $2,
000,000; ot Cambridge, $1,500,000.
Anna, virumque cano is translated by a
ShurtloH' Freshman, The man with n dog
in liis arms. Ex.
"We have often heard of monopolies, but
the other da in the class-room, a student
employed n flguro now to us: "A second
rate monopolation." Qui Vive.
Professor: ""What is a koy-stono?"
Smart Junior, after much hesitation, "An
amphibious animal, sir." Ho was at once
promoted in the air. College Message.
A Burr Oak young lady entered a store
lately, and wanted to see the papers for a
week back, and the intelligent clerk
showed a roll of sticking plaster. Tyro.
See the difference in the synonyms "Cork
up" and "Dry up." The latter stops up
permanently, but "Cork up" gives hope Of
another How of nonsense. Trinity Toilet,
i
Prof, in Rhetoric. ""What isloutologyf"
Senior: A superabundance of sense."
Prof. Then there is very little tautology
in this class. Excused." University lie
porter. A Freshman complains that his father
sends bi-weekly letters, but no checks. A
Sophomore friend assures him that this is
a proof of MiMiMattection. Harvard
'Advocate.
"We boast of a remarkable "chin". Who
can furnish us with a corresponding face?
Central Collegian. We have two or
three students here who could furnish
"cheek" for a half dozen schools and local
editors.
A " vestal" happened upon the following
passage in French the other day: " Ue jour
la, vous m'avez cmbrassc," and rendered it.
" That day you embarrassed inc." " Very I
natural that it should," returned the pro-'
fessor. Ex. I
Yale boasts of having educated 14(i
Congressmen, 441 U. S. Senators), rG College '
Presidents, 0 Bishop-:, 14 Ministers to for-'
cign courts, 33 Governors, 23 Lieutenant-!
Governors, 143 Judges and 9 members of.
the President's Cabinet. Ex. I
A man whose eyesight was not good, '
was recommended to try glasses He '
says he went to the nearest driukiiig.su-'
loon and took four and the result was that '
his eyesight was so much improved that!
Jic could see double. Institute. j
A young man asked for a copy of Ho. :
-mer's " Odyssey at the library, the other I
day, and the assistant librarian not finding '
.it, remarked in a reflective and innocent !
way, " Well we haven't any of Homer's '
latest works in at present. Ibid.
Professor: " What English word have
we derived from Tantalus?" Soph:
"Don't remember." Professor: Tan
lalize, is it not?" Soph; (somewhat be.
wildered, but with an air of sudden rec.
ollection): "'Dandelions; oh, yes sir!"
Junior Class. Prof. "Mr. P , trans,
late J" Studentr-"I pass, Professor.''
Prof. " I order you up, Mr. P ." An
other Student (well versed In the art)
"You can't order up a man after he'a
passed." Professor promises to think it
over. Collegian.
A student who evidently enjoys Hebrew
lias kindlygiven directions how it should
be read: Turn the book' upside down,
open at tlio end, put it In one corner of
the room, stand on your head In the other
corner, begin at the bottom line and read
backwards. Argiu.
The Faculty of Harvard College have
forbidden the various societies from tak
ing part in public amusements where an
admission fee is charged. The movement
does not meet the entire approval of the
students, as it interferes with the Interests
of boating, base ball, etc.
Mas , why did you keep address-
ing mo as 'landlord' the other evening at
the -PhiliiP banquet?" Smiling she an
swered, " Because you bored mo." Junior
subsides and regrets that he ever gave up
chopping logs in order to gain a college
education. Lawrence Collegian.
Prof. Are .you prepared this morning,
Mr. ? Senior. Yes, sir; kind of pre
pared. Prof. Please explain what you
mean by kind of prepared? Senior.
Well, I thought that between myself and
yourself we might make a recitation.
Prof. That will do, r. Targum.
History Class Student " Professor, are
kings and queens always the highest ?'
Professor "Certainly, why. do you ask
such a nonsensical question?" Student
"Because 1 noticed that in a game of Rail
road Euchre, the joker . Professor:
" Leave the room, sir!" Niagara Index.
Out! of our Sophs lost hi-. Trigonome
try lately. The finder reports that he
found the following written on the fly-'
leaf: " I
"Yolo Iiiiiic lllirn in effc lu Inforno ;
Kgu nuilhoiimtlcH vchumentur tunio.
In (uIh iiUiirthnnuin cgonunqimm curuo.".V
Professor "What is Eternity?" Stu
dent "Eternity isn't time!" Professor
"Yes; but what is it?" Student "Well, it
is you set now, suppose you had an
eight day clock that went forever; why
that would be eternity." Professor con
cludes to waive, the question. Niagara
Index.
Senior, to his innocent Frushmau room
mate." Well, how did you like Charlotte!
Cushmau as Lad- 3lnebeth?" Fresh.
"O, pretty well; but do you think that'
kind of play is as good as a tragedy?"!
Senior looks slightly surprised, and then
smiles sweetly, but does not venture an
opinion. Vohnle.
A student inerks his book with a lead
pencil, in order, he says, to be sure not to'
study the same part twice. Dal. Gazette.
A t-cientiftc who studied Physiology last i
term, but is studying Geometry this, when '
asked what a figure of four sides was call.'
ed, replied 4-n quadrigeminal body." '
Westminster Monthly. '
Professor: "Nero used to station men
in various narts of the theatre t minlnml '
J ho noise of the clapping of twen-
him.
ty-fivc hundred pairs of hands was enor
mous" Class experiments. Professor
continuing, "and when any one clapped at
the wrong time he was put out of the thea
tre !" Class subsides. 7 rin ity Tablet.
Scene, Museum. A now student look
irg at a skeleton.
Student "Say, professor, who was this
lellow when alive?"
Prof." My good fellow, he was a theo
logical student, who attempted U, board
himself on twenty-five cento a week, and
the sequel is the unhappy spectacle before
you. Ex.
Tutor to Soph. "Do you understand
this statement?"
Soph. "No, sir."
Tutor. "You may demonstrate at the
board that the statement is not a correct
one." w-rrtci
Soph."! accept the statement, sir."
Beautiful example of childlike trust
Univ. Reporter.
The following story Mr. Thackeray used
to toll of himself. When at a dinner at a
hotel one day, ho heard ono waiter say to
another,
"Do you know who that is?"
"No," was the reply.
" That is the celebrated Mr. Thackeray.
"What's ho done?"
"Blest if I know." Volant.
A lady of our city, a short time since,
was speaking of the lack of learning and
general information among our young la
dies, as an instance she said, "when Miss
was in the High School, there was to
be a tableau, In which she was to take part,
and she borrowed a Bible of one of her
classmates to find out what rut of a cos
tume Queen Elizabeth wore." Such Igno
rance is deplorable and unpardonable. Ex.
Scene, Math. Room. Mr. Smith at the
board endeavoring to eliminate x, y and
u from the equations. Professor comes
and stands by Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith
grows nervous and "puts it up tighter."
Professor inquires blandly; "Whatdoyou
want to get rid of now, sir?" Mr. Smitlu
fearfully bored, replies: "Want to get rid
of a, sir." Class applauds. Virg. Univ.
Mag.
When you meet men at the beginning
of the term, the Freshman says, " Had a
good lime; mother did not know me when
I got home." Sophomore remarks,
"Rather dull; haven't seen a card or a
billiard cue for four weeks." Junior la
ments, "Oh, yes; had a good time; but
leaving my ; don't speak of it."
Senior says, "Quite pleasant, thank you.'
Ham. J.it. Miscellany.
Slightly sarcastic was the clergyman
who paused and addressed a man coming
into church after a sermon had begun,
with the remark: "Glad to sec you, sir;
come in; always glad to see those late
who can't come early." And decidedly
self-possessed was the man thus addressed
in the presence of an astonished congre
gation as he responded: "Thank you;
would you favor me with the text?" Ex,
At the tea-table of one of our neighbor
ing families, a few evenings since, the age
ol horses was being discussed. One of
the young ladies remarked that her pony
was twelve years old Upon hearing this,
the waiting-maid, a German girl, and
new hand at the art, expressed her opin
ion as follows: "Oh dat aint old, we got
a horse wat.s twenty years old he is an
old mare-" Institute.
The Business Manager of this journal
added the names of 240 new subscribers
to the list last March. Omaha Ifioh
School.
Would that we had that Business Man
agerhere! At what price can he be se
cured? Doubtless, however, the High
School would be loath to lose 6iich a pearl
among Managers. We can only say to
ours, " Go thou, and do likewise."
An ambitious prep on waking found his
eyelids stuck together so firmly as to re
quire a full half-hour's soaking before he
could appreciate day-light. As soon as he
realized the fact that his room-mate had
taken advantage of his sleeping condition
to put a little mucilage on his eye lashes,
he broke forth in an exhaustive review of
the Billingsgate dictionary, and after enu
merating all the forcible and appropriate
adjectives and epithets therein contained,
he wiped the perspiration from his brow,
and sat down saying " ho would have to
give the subject up for lack of a proper
education." Ex.
Mkt hib Fatk. A New Orloans Judge
riding in the cars recently, from a single
glance at the countenance of a lady by
his side, imagined that ho know her, and
ventured to remark the day was pleasant
She only answered : "Yes."
"Why do you wear a veil ?"
"Lest I attract attention "
"It is the province of gentlemen to ad.
mire," leplied the gallant man of law,
"Not when they arc married."
"But I am not."
"Indeed!"
"Oh, no I I'm a bachelor."
The lady quietly raised her veil, dig.
closing to the astonished magistrate the
lace of his moJher.fn.law. He has been a
raving maniac ever since. Mute Joniuil
of Neb.
The Hesperian Student says the Imca
Classic is the dullest of Its exchanges,
Hie Classic is printed on very bad paper,
yet we would be fully as loath to lose it
as the Student. The latter is written
chiefly by professors, and is no exception
I to the ordinary class of college papers so
I conducted. A little variety would be an
' improvement ; we find five articles signed
with the same initials. Dalhousie Gazette.
! The Hesperian Student comes out in a
jnew dress. Variety and lite are oharac-
teristies of its pages. Targum.
Comment on the above is perhaps un
necessary further than to state that we
ventured to criticize the Gazette rather se
verely in a recent number of the Hesperii
an. We also leave to the jndgmentofour
readers the decision as to which is the
best authority, the Dalhmisie Gazetteer the
Targum.
Through all his electioneeringcanipaign
Mr. Greeley sat at public dinners and sun
, pers where wine and spirits flowed "freub,,
;bul he never passed the bottle or touched
j the liquor himelP The waiters who knew
I his temperance principles were puzzled
what tu do when they came to the row of
glas.se fronting his plate. Usually they
were directed by a look or gesture of the
master of ceremonies to pass him by in
'silence; but on one occasion an Iri-li
j servant would not abide an apparent breach
of hospitality.
! "Hadn't ye better take something, sir, to
'get up an appetite like, after your hmg
iride, sir?" the hospitable Hibernian whi.
jn.-n.ii in uiu sianicu sage "A jutie hraii
dy and wather wad do ye good, it would
upon me sowl, sir."
, The heartiness of the appeal struck the
philosopher. He recognized the ring of
! true hospitality In its tones-, and his heart
relented at the idea of depressing such
-sterling virtue by a continued refusal.
"Brandy and water?" said the gue.t.
i" Well, Pat, I'll take half of that to oblige
you. Give me the water and let some one
else have the brandy."
George Washington teas the Father of
his country. He never told a lie. He
knew how to use his little hatchet on his
father's gooseberry bush. Naughty
George! When we were young our lor
ing parent would use the gooseberry bush
on us. Bui we are not the " Father of our
Country." Fact ! Niagara In lex.
We havo had a striking example of
what they call "travelling on check."
Six young men lately engaged a 'bus, and
stepping lightly In, they soon drove up
with rapid pace to the Seminary. Alight
ing, each ransacked his pockets, and the
sum total of their .assets amounted to fif
teen cents. Niagara hackmon aro gener
ally a little sharper. Niagira Index.