THE : HESPERIAN
11
JJtX13YS RETREAT.
Spades?
Who goes there
Oh, who will roll the stone away
Is six feet of clay oblivion?
The "Epos Home Guards" are already or mized
for husiness.
McKay (at pay telephone) "Hello Central, give
me Heaven, please, I want to say my prayer."
Sweet voice at Central: "Wait a minute please""
(Some time elapses) "All ready, begin.1" (but "Me
wasn't used to it.)
A number of loyal students who have een a pay
telephone established in University hafl have won
dered if it would not be a further sign of advance
merit to set up n wheel of fortune for the 'benefit Of
the College Settlement.
EI'ITAI'IIIAN.
The following lines burned on a wooden lab with
a red hot poker, are reported to have been found
Monday morning on the grave of the campus
biiulder. Whether they eommetiiorat' te class of
'92 is not known. The writer oulysjgued hi- initials:
"There is underneath this stone
Once the source of mauy a groan.
"Which to live had one excuse.
Human likeness to a goose.
Now it skulks in warmer nooks
Among the shade of students books.
Kuow nil who read, this ancient stone
Conceals the dust, of Epsilou.
L.IBKAKY INVESTIGATION CASE.
iStenocraplilc report of the finding lu the illfh Court
; of St Peter.)
St. Peter: Hello.Sir, stand up! What is your name
sir?
Rip Van Winkle: Rip Van Wink le,your Highness.
St. 'P: State age, occupation, cause of death.
R. V. W: Oumarried, Siberian, cigar-sign, beauty
St. P: Now give the jury your pedigree.
E. V. W: Sired by an illustrious ancestry and
dammed by the Student Uody.
St. P: "Will you now state to the Jury what you
have accomplished so far in life.
R. V W: Raised whiskers, some hair aud the
diclceus otherwise reposed.
St. V: To what climate have you been accustomed?
R. V. W: Torrid here cooler in Maryland.
St. P: Yes, well, you have been accused of being
alive do you plead guilty or not guilt3'
R. V.TV: Not guilty.
St. V: When the boys Juried ithatToc'k, did they
bury the deadest thing on 1 he cam put, J
R. V. W-; Save oue, Your Highness.
.St P: Do you eonder the monument erected to
your memory on the mound above that rock a com
pliment or not
R. V. W: It was no compliment they wailed uu
til too long after death.
St. V: You have been accused of using ordinary
discretion in the library guilty or not guilty?
K. V. W: Not guilty. Your Highness.
St. P: What as your work in St. John's college,
Maryland.
R. V. V. Mummy in the department of Archaeol
ogy, and janitor of the supply room
St P: Doyoudo any work in the library of the
University of Nebraska?
R. V. W: I do not, sir, on the dead.
St. P: It has been rumored that your public address
to students had a quieting eilect upon them.
11. V. W: The insinuation is absolutely false.
St. P. Kindly state to the jury why you gave only
two brief oral notices, and posted no bulletin befoie
the Mimmary removal of students' books, and the
consequent destruction of student property.
It V. W: Sir, I cannot tell a lie I have a chronic
disease whih hinders me in the discharge of duty.
Si, P: Pray tell the-jury the name and nature of
your chronic disease.
R, V. W: Absolute and unqualified incompetency,
St. P: Have the doctors no cure therefor?
Jit. V. W: One oury a citterpellet dismissal.
St P: Hm! I see well, let me see, what is your
personal standing with students of the University
R V W: I am despised and rejected of them.
St. P: (Turns to jury) Gentlemen of the jury, the
court urges leniency in this extreme case. No pre
cedents are established either lor instructions or for
yonr verdict The prisouer at the bar can only be
tried according to the laws of ibe Silurian age. The
only elause bearing either directly or remotely upon
this case is that found in Ernst Bessey's Codified
and Amended Laws of Nature, Silurian edition,
XXXT:10028, Culliciahyti armatm vn tadpole. The
fittest shall mrvivo, duU to duet, earth to earth, muni'
mies to Mnrylund. The jury is dismissed to prepare
a verdict.
The following is a telegram sent by a friend io a
member of the Class of '02, C. O. D.
Sunday, Mareh 2', m '
.Mr. C M. Sk-iles, Atty. at Law, Ulysses, Neb.
Class -of 'i)2 sunk into oblivion. Telegraph 'in
structions. (Signed) T. F. A. W.
Reply sunt to the supposed author, also C O. D.
Monday; March 2U 'W.
Mr. T. IF. A. Williams, Alty. at Law,
Burr Block, Lincoln, Neb.
Lei the dead past bury its dead.
C. M. Skiles.
(Each of tthe above tinnoeent parties spent the
greater part -of 'this "week ln telegraphing 'and eor
ircspoudiug 'in the vain endeavor to liud out what
the'other nneaut. No iresults as "we go to press. '