HU
Ah'cntuttnitetl.
"I bollovo thnt nbsontiulndednosa In n
sort ot Insanity," declared Mr. Hoggs
na ho wnlkod down town with his friond
Dckks. "Tho extraordinary freaks ot
persona ollllctod with It cannot bo ac
counted for on any othor ronsonahlo hy
pothesis. Now, thoro la Fogg, who hna
worn glasses for ton yonra and can't boo
ton feet ahead of him, walked olonr
down to his offlco tho othor day boforo
ho dlscovored that ho had left his
glasses at homo. That must bo tem
porary susponslon ot Intolllgonco."
Hoggs started to blto oft tho ond of
n cigar.
"Hy gum." ho oxclalmod, "1 loft my
folso teeth on tho washstnndl" San
Francisco Post,
No llrnlnK to Spcuk Of.
Pudely Canosuokor wont Into n res
taurant on Broadway and gavo an or
der for somo fried calf brains. After
he had wnttod almost half an hour
Dudely said to the waltor: "Woll, what
about the calf brains?" Tho waltor
shook his head and Intimated that tho
outlook was gloomy.
What 1b the matter with my
br.itna?"
"There nln't any. that's all," ropllud
tho waiter, looking at Dudoly sadly.
i.ot II ltt't.
Jonesy conio homo very late tho othor
night, and his wifo found a suspicious
lump ot chalk in his pockot. "I wish
you'd glvo up those horrid billiards
thnt keep you out so Into," sho ob
served, "and take n longer rest."
"My dearsh," ho replied, huskily, "I
tool the longest roaht thoro was and
then I couldn't seo tho ball whon I
tried to strike it." Ex.
lllt SO.
Customer flooklmr nt sllkst Thnv
(looking nt
look to me Just alike, but you say ono Is I
ninety-eigni cents nnu tne otuer one i
dollar and ten cents. Now what is the
difference?
Clerk tblandly) Twolve conts.
Svlri'ttMl wit.
Host Never shall I forgot the time
when I tiret drew this sword. Chorus.
When wns that? Host At a rnllle.'
FIreily.
A. I hoar that your friend X has
gone to South America. Was It upon
his physician's advlco? B. No; his
lawyer's. TId-DIts.
The summer girl is groat on changing
ner suit. She goes seaward with din-'
monds and returns homo wlUt hearts.
Yonkers Statesman. (
Belle Mr. Jolyer is such a nice man.'.
He said I hnd a voice liko a bird. Nell
- Yes; he told mo you sang like an owl.'
- Philadelphia Rocord.
"Isn't he rathor fast?" asked tho
anxious mothor. "Yes, mamma. In one!
6ensp of the word. I don't thing ho ennj
get away." Indianapolis Journal.
That man causes mo no ond ot an
noyance ovor a biil." "Why don't you
sup him and collect it?" "Colloct Itl
He's trying to do that." Chicago Roc
ord.
How to make the new dress: Take!
the material for two skirts and make
the sleeves, then take the material fori
one sleeve and make tho skirt Nash
ville American.
Mr. Huff (hotly) Sir, if you do not
quit staring at my wlfo, I will pull your
nose!
Mr. Gouff Better pull out my glass
eye; that's tho oftonding member.
Texas Sittings.
Tim Itlclit Thing Ire the IllRlit I'lare.
"r'.spe Strange those fellows are al-
s robbing banks.
l i ikwell What d'yo-oxpeot them to
r iviod-yards?
Kxpennlve.
I i ker Have you got twonty-flve you
1. 1 Imvo to have?
Tic kc-r What's the matter; broke?
Hicker Top: wlfo kissed me good-by
rr" I left homo this morning.
Too Much So.
Mis. Pipkin Has Jack proved an In
..'' nt husband?
Mis' Potts You'd think so, I; you
.i ! s.-t- him some nights when he gets
' . from the club.
Birdie McGoogln (with emphasis)
Ha! Rosllla McGraw. yer got on yer
brudder Chlmmle's last year baseball
pants and yer posin by his werloci
pede, wlch yor can't ride, but yor might
as well understand fust ns last, yer
gettln' yerself disliked. Der Fourt
ward has no use fer der Comln' Woman,
see? New York World.
She Did.
Mother Mercy on us! What do you
mean by eating up that Jar of preserved
peaches?"
Little Ethel You told Mrs. Nexdoor
you wanted me to have a peachy com
plexion, didn't you?"
He Understood.
Teacher Do you understand tho
meaning of tho terms Capital and La
bor? Small Boy Yes'm. If a boy has a sled,
that's capital. If another boy rides
down with him, and then pulls the sled
up, that's labor.
Unexpected,
Ho hnd boon trying to impross upon
tho ohlldron In tho school, In tho capac
ity of a tompornnco locturor, Mint
though It was right and propor to ro
llovo suITorlng and povorty, It was
much hotter to II ml out tho cause of It
all drink, of eourso and romovo that;
and so with everything.
"Now," said he. "auppoao your father
ono morning eamo downstalra and on
going to tho cellar found It lloodod;
what would he do llrst? Would he be
gin balling tho wntor out?
"No! of course not,"
"Now, what would bo tho llrst thing
ho would do?"
Aftor a abort sllonco, n shrill, piping
voloo crlod out:
"Why. ho'd carry on awful!" Ex.
(JronKinl tho Wronpr Unit,
An old gontlomnn. boforo getting Into
nr oxpross at Huston, tipped tho guard
and said: "I wish you would mnko sure
of catching tho 11: IB nt Crowo."
Tho guard goes to tho ongluo-drlvor,
i who hna boon a witness of tho tipping
business, and says: "Here, Hilly, this
gontlemnn wants to catch tho 11:15 at
Crowo."
They rrrlvod at Crowo Just In time
to seo 11:45 lonvlug tho atntlon.
Old gentleman, In a rago, to the
driver: "Woron't you told to cntch tho
11:15?"
Impassive driver, with n solomn
wink: "Yos, sir; but you greased tho
wrong end of the train."
I Our old friond will tip tho driver
next Unto ho wants to travel unusually
fast. London Answers.
Too Much for Kniliirnnce.
Employment Agent You did not stay
I long in thnt Inst place.
, Domestic Ol cudu't shtnnd tbot wom
an's tnsultlu' an vulgar language.
"In what way?"
"She says Till th' coal-hod.' instoad
nv '1,1,nx.? wl" yel) cni,,!!cbid to ro
plenieb th anthracite vase?"
A sl Cme.
Hostess-My dear count, you must
i pnrdon me, but 1 have such a very poor
memory of names, it'a a real aflllotlon.
I have forgotten yours.
The Coun You shoult ganzult a
specialist on inettdnl diseases, my tear
madame. you roally shoult. My name Is
Kaskowowskischnllllngloskl.
Wontlprful Self-Control.
Jack That man. Jackson, is a
per-
feet saint!
Mac Oh, I don't know about that.
Jack Yes. but bo Is! The othor day
I saw him write a note with one of the.
postofllca pons and ho never swore
once!
Wanted No Quarreling
He (encouragingly) I'm sure of one
thing, my angel, that you and I will
never quarrel as that couplo ore doing.
Sho (with decision) Indeed wo won't.
If you ever speak to mo as he did to
her, I'll call the police.
Pretty Touch.
Aunt You look rathor delicate.
Aro
you perfectly well?
Little Nephew Oh, I'm tough as a
pine knot. I can stand anything. You
ought to see some of the doctor's dosoa
I'vo taken ami lived through.
Good Chanre.
Wool What Is the object of having
"Ladles' Day" at the club?
Von Pelt The governors think mom
bers ought to stny at home one night In
tho week.
Looked It.
Mrs. Hicks I have boon shopping all
day and came home completely worn
cut.
Hicks You do look Just n. bit shop
worn Kronumy.
Mrs. Hicks How do you like this llt
llo theatre toque? I made It all myself.
Hicks It Isn't very blp, Is It?
Mr Hlcks Xo-o: I made It out of an
i jet bracelet.
A Society Itnmnnco.
Clara "How under tho nun did Edith
happon to marry Mr. Awkward?"
Dora "He was the Imne of her llfo
at every ball sho attended, and I pre
sume sho mnrrled him to keop hint from
wanting to dnnce with her."
Highly InlUminiitilr.
Radbourn Did they dlncovor the or
igin of the Are In that newspaper olllce?
Chonney Ye. The editor threw a
poem from a ioete of passion in the
waste basket.
The New Itccrult.
Profossor I believe there Is a secret
romance hlddon about you
Tho Vumar maid burst so violently
into tear that she shook four French
novels out of her puffed sleeves.
A I.lttli, Too Good.
Husband Why do you shop at Slogo
& Company's Instead of Fastime's?
Wife Fastime's has Homo new sort of
electrical contrivance which brings your
change so quick you don't have time
to change your mind.
American Inventor.
Boy Papa, what In
Little
ventor?
an In-
Papa He is a man who Invents some
thing that everybody elso manufactures
and then spends all his money In try
ing to stop them.
lilt Fiworlli' Senaon,
Toiehrr "What Benson do
best?
you
Ilka
Hoy- -Summer.
"Ho do I, And why do you lovo sum
mer?" "'Oiumo thoro nln't any school."
A Softened Ilrnrt.
Little Dick Mnmvna, may I go ami
play with Hobby Upton, and stay thero
to dinner If thoy aslc mo?
Mamma I thought you didn't llko
Hobby Upton.
"1 didn't, but as I passed his houso
just now, my hoavt sof toned toward
him."
"Hid ho look lonely?"
"JJo'm, ho looked happy."
"What about?"
"Ho said his mother wns mnlcln'
apple dumplings."
The " Hotel" Lincoln,"
'jtr)5f5
j fOj
iTsjy "
- ""
S&i-'
siaes
LINCOLIN, NEB.
mm
mSw?
TWO TRANS DAILY
nr.Tw en
ANt
Auburn, Falls CiV,
Atchison, 3. Joseph,
anl Kansas City.
City Ticket Office.1201 0 Street.
H. C. TOWHSESD, Gei'l F. fa T. A.
T. D. COKtfEM.. C. P. & T. A
The Funke Opera House Block
Is tho place to get ,'otr Choice Ameri
ca Beauty and Loses of any sluulc.
Carnations and all lloral work guaran
teed. Decorations n specialty.
FHE1' & PREY,
Florists.
THE... .
NEBRASKAN
' '- p" ami i
FOR THE
SECOND SEMESTER
...40 cents
Burlington's personally conducted
excursions to Utah and California. A
Pullman tourist sleoplne car will leave
Lincoln every Thursday at 12:15 .p.
m. for Donvor, Salt Lake, Ogden, San
Franolsco and Los Angclos. Only 5
for a double berth Lincoln to Los An
roios In one of these car. Remember
there Is no change of cars. For full In
formation and tickets apply at Bur
lington & Missouri depot or city tloket
olllce, cornor Tonth and O streets.
G. W. Bonnell, C. P. & T. A.
CAVtHIO,inAUtMAKKS
UUPYKIGrirS.
CAS I OBTAIN A PATKNTt For
fiPffiPLVESF ""'J '", hsncit opinion, write to
HI UJN A: CO., who have bad neailrnhy Tears'
experience In tbe patent traxincu. CommuiilcA.
tlonaMrlctly confidential. A IlonclbooU of In
formation concerning I'n Cents and bow to ob
tain tbera yent free. Also a catalogue of mechan
ical and aclemltio Itooka rent free.
rES01"1 not'colnthe Srlcntiac Amerlcnn, and
thus are troubt wldeir boforo the publlowltbi
" .". iiirougn jiunn a uo. rcceira
y lyiuomnnior. uoia apienaia pa;
saned weeklr. eleKanlly lilnatrated. baa by far
largcat ctrculatlon of any aclentltlc work In
tba
the
UnlldlriB Udltlon. monthly, tiJOa
SPJ,,.e,..a eent. Krery number cc
tlful Platei. n colora, and pbotni
year. Hlnirla
iiiui piaiea. n coiort, and pbotnirrapha of new
housea. with plans, enabling bulldera to abow tit
'& ,Paal,,ecuro contracta. Addreaa
uaiua ocau-
1 lIL"'i&KMi 72 mi I J3L Hi
& KwmmitWtmim
SR WiSi 1 " "A. u
vrziTy- ,n
VIo3Bs'5fcswaHiiit
Thl "pni'o Is rosorvotl for II, II. Ploroo ,
bloyolos and bloyalo repairs. HI No.
13th stroot. Hnllor Hlook.
11 lJi
CAPITAL
CAFE
THE
'J
121 North Eleventh Street.
SHORT ORDERS OUR SPECIALTY. -:- GIVE US A TRIALi
muiSTKB OPEBA I-IOTJSK,
Cor. O and 13 Sts.
Wed.Evo. March 25
The Delia Fox Opera Go,
In the Charming Opera of
"Fluer-l)e-Lis?
A Superb Cast of 70
People. Prices from 50c
to $ 1 .50 on sale Monday,
9 A.M. at Dunns Drug
Store.
&&iQMC
226 So. 1 1th St. Ground Floor.
Special Hates to Stubents
30 CENTS OFF.
FOR TEN DAYS Francss Bros, will sell $1 1
commutation ticnets
cents. We want to
ot Dusmess to tne university students Ever;
tnmg is nrst ciass.
Open all Night.
IF YOU KNOW
that I have
tho apparatus
for half soling in the neatest stylo,
tho latest point shoes and up-to-dato
styles, it would pay you to bring all
your shoo repair work to 100 South 18th
st. All work guaranteed. J, III
rottit.
HAS BEEN RE-OPENED BY
Francis Bros.
MOST CONVENIENT PLACE FOR STl'Pl N1
OPEN ALL NIGHT.
Oysters and ame in Season.
Trank C. ZjhruujMjl
' tAWWS
Sat. Eve. March 28
Richard Maqsfieli
And His New Yoik
Garrick Theatre Co.
A Parisian Romance
5
Mr. Mansfield as liaron t lu
Prices 50c to Si. 50. On vil
Thmsday 9 a.m. Dunns Prtl
Store.
to the students for 8
introduce our new piec
uur coffee is diheious
127 No. 1 ltl
Wlalteu IfDoge
. . . PRINTEI
1115 P Street, Lincoln
CARDS, PROGRAMS, II
VI'ATIONS
Good Work. Frkei Seasonable.