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OUR WIT ANJ) HUMOlt
OURHENT SAYINOS AND DOING
OF FUNNY FOLK.
Tho ltptnl)nt tllrl unit llrr lUlloon
81m Morrlv MoMhUIkhh Vlrvjn n
lcprrl Vnrt nttit Wlt T Trump
nl llio Moriunlil.
Y comely, rtn-vlo-alecle-
love
To-ilny la Just na
fair to mo
a when vp ronm
otl, with atnra
above,
Along the swrct
KwpliiK son;
My nrm would seek
lior pliant waist
Ami linger thoro
In honoyod hllw;
Anil O. 'twna lnrotUc to Ustt
The nectar of tho twilight fclaal
Wo'ro lovers atill. .lust of oUl.
lint ah! u shndow's come between;
She does not Jwm tne overbold.
Anil beats her heart for me, I wean.
1 try to reach her melting lips.
Hut cannot; this my spirit grieves.
The fashions all my lovo eclipse
1 can't set onr hero for her sleeves!
T. C, Harbangh In Truth,
T11K UVMWNT OP T11K FUKSHMAX.
When first I Mtnjek tho city
11 a pockts. full of stuff,
Thn -lnd saw would last tbe year out
If I wntohod t close enough.
Hut how my pile hns melted,
1-lko n snowball In the sun,
A Jul yet the year's festlvKlos
Aro only Just bejnm.
For when you count the football games,
WltJi Konolnirtons omi such.
Ami mid the crips to Omaha,
TJitvt cost us prowy muoh.
You'll find tito "Rram' wm vtl"
"Won't be so very wnu
Especially the bts 1 lost
t'pon the Knnsws puno,
And when the glee club gnvo their
show.
They stuck mo for a lox,
And If n. fellow coming Jiero
Wis wholly built of rocks,
And when It camo to (text books
The prices knookcnl me flat.
And thcn It takes a mint of gold
To BOt In any frat.
And then there -was n party
Every blsssNl week or so.
And florists doubled up ho price
On roses then, you know.
And at every blamed "fnndnngo" '
I ihad to pet n. ihnck.
And then I ltouglit a drill suit
Thnft fitted like a sack.
Now on the money question.
My dad te nrH a cmnk.
And he wm t.- think I'm laboring
T'T break the family bank.
But th ever-Tresent question '
That disturbs my peaceful calm.
Is how to rateo thi- "flver"
For the oaning junior prdm.
Thursday -wMle the odiior, whloh ie
ourselt, of thiis organ was heavily
busied at ate desk In removing from
his eyelids the slumbers that bad ac
cumulated during the previous period
Ms left oye caught sight of a largo nnd
ungainly card tacked upon tlhe furni
ture of Oils office.
On this oarfl was attached the bold
words. "Plans remove the debris,'
and signed by a congenial committee
of one from the co-op establishment.
Now we don't car a whoop for all
tlie tags that are plncod on our piece of
furniture, but boarhig In mind thr faat
that nttrly everyone of the editors of
our contemporaries, boskles all th
loafers that Inhabit tho ooop liavo seon
Urls sign, we consider It our duty tc
justify oifselvos. And we would like
to say so that all our fellow students
may bear rtihnrt. we too would like to see
Oils debris wliioh has oolleoted for ngoe
removed, a tliore are times when we
like to at at ourptoce of furniture to do
a little oopy work.
A ltrokMi Itocord.
, "Your ninjusty," reported tlie ohiaf
Imp. 4llonry VI II. Idolcs on giving up
Ins room on the first floor and going
intotbo attic. "
"YoutoHliim.-r ,)oinod Pluto, "that
io don't hold the divorce record any
longer, und thut we've got to have his
apartment for u gentleman irom
Sioux Fallb."
Tiuo AauicmrmtATi schooi.
A wpresontatlvo of tlu Nobnskau
ellel uihmi rrofesHor Ijyon to lnnulro
nbout the school of agrlouHmv that
upoiuM so auspiciously htat Tuesday.
In roply to his Inquiry ns to (tho object
of the svhoil the professor said that tho
aim was to supply tho demand for more
elementary am'lculturol Instruction,
That moat farmer' Iwya could not af
Vonl to spend tho tlmo ivqulrt-sl to
plxro for cllego und complete the
regular ngrleulturl course. This aolool,
he sotd, would give n tcolinlcal agrlovilt-n-jl
dientlou, by ottering Instruction,
uoa In the sciences themselves, but In
tho ,ppl(cntlon of tho sciences to farm
lug. The session is imM during the
three winter month when fnrm wvrk
Is lightest, turses of this kind have
glvon at most of itho large state ul
Ntn'sltios and have been in most eases
successful 1n nslng the stnmlnrd of
farming In the state. Hei wheiv w
are nil so directly dependent uion the
fruits o Mho soil it is of ittl tmpoi'
tonce that the best methmla of farming
bo understood nnd practiced by our
farmei's. It Is only as our (farming
methods ore Improved that ithe stut
can hope to Increase In proAliotieness
and eonseiiuently In wenltb, and It Is
due largely to the jnlvei-stty nnd experi
ment station that she must look to do
vise such Improvements and to dissem
inate a knowledge of the same.
The school opened with an attend
ance of lift eon. Xo students otherwise
conneotcxl with the unlvorslty are per
mlttetl to register In this school, as the
course presorlbe! requires nil of tho
time dtjrlng six days of the week. Two
or throe who ore expecting to come
have not yot arrived.
MU'toil Mullen,
Jntlln Whohu muko la your watch?
Uraxlln - Thu tullow who sold It to tno,
i guess. Ho mmlo ahout ?20 on thu
tranaaoilon. Hoxhury Oamotto,
No, .Maudo, tloar, tho tailor would
Honreolj nmku n good matrimonial
agent, although he tlooa pruaa oo.ur
people's suits for thorn. Philadelphia
Iteoonl.
l am moving today hoeausu I could
not pay tho rontl l'lmt'a llrst-rato.
1 am tnovlng for tho same reason; lot's
change quartora!"- Kllogondo lllattto,
Mtas rinnophace (exhibiting hor pho
tographl Kvoryhody aays It dooa not
do me Justice. Miss l'ort Mvldently
the artist ia a man of tact.-Hoaton
Vransrrlpt,
"What do you think of your engage
ment ring?" "You dear, sweet old hoy,
It's the handsomest l ever had 1 mean
I like It ever so much." Chicago
Vlmes-llerald.
Customer A loaf of broad, ploase.
linker Five-cent fcuf or ten-cent loaf!
Customer (precisely) I will take ono ot
!he lonvos that you sell for five cents,
SomorvUlo .lournal.
rmtretlitn of lln InilnilrU.
l)ior,l to Hitrlirlorhixxl.
Friend 1 sny, .lack, why don't you
mnrry, and settle down?
Jack Can't.
"Yon hnN-e a good Income,"
"Ya."
"And jour aunt loft you n charming
house?"
"Yes."
"Then why don't you hunt up a
wife?"
"Oh, a wife Is easy enough to get;
that Isn't the trouble,"
"Then what is the matter?"
"1 can't find a servant girl."
Cru-1 insinuation.
mi I it I I A ' t ''-1
t &2
Mo.e Scltnnmburg You vnnt a
voek'-. siilary in advance, put suppose,
Mishtor Silver-toiie. 1 lt you have dot
week's salary, and maybe vow drops
toad ternigitt. How den vlli 1 t
mine tMtMH'.s jmu-Ic?
Mr. SUvrrs,loe 1 hope, Mibhtor
Scltnn.lnirg dot 1 am too much of a
sehentleman to play yon any such
drick. ash dot. replied tlie clerk with
dignity. Textif, M flings
An Kuhv Onn.
"JCow," said tho medical professor
at the quiz, "toll me whether this is a
male or n female skeleton."
"Female," replied the man at the
foot of the el uss.
"Right, but Itow do you lenow?"
'I baw her jaws work as you spoke."
t'MI1IHk'l.
In the dimly lighted alcove a man, in
evening dress, stands peering between
tho half-drawn portieres into the ball
room beyond.
Strains of a waltz come floating to his
ears, lwrt e hears nothing; he is watch
ing a man nnd woman going and com
ing through the mazes of tho dance.
Suddenly he turns and sees a Gran
ger beside him gazing Into his eyes.
The face Is repulsive In its expres
sion of liatw and envy.
Involuntarily he recoils a stop.
Only then ho reoognizos his own im
ago in tho glass.
"On Urn I'limp."
A gentleman uomingr out of tlichouKe
saw his son bitting on the pntnp, with
a slate und pencil in hib hand. Tlie
futhor said:
"Why aren't 3ou at school to-day?"
""Why, pi," said the boy, -Tin sittin'
hero 'oos tho toaoher told ns to write a
composition on 'The Pump.1
Spur Not ropular.
First Chappie (sadly) Spurs are
coming into fashion ag;fl.in for horse
back riding.
Second Chappie (dolefully) Ya-as.
Awful things to land on when a follah
falls off.
I.ocatml Him.
"They say old Smith never suh
cribed for a newspaper?"
"Never."
"Where is ho now?"
"Blowin1 out tho gas in some hotell"
I w
1 M
VSWL
i
JfrSV
JEW
Tft7iLJ
fci V5B
J&ziWjiS io
A new prophet has appeared at Nyan
Sakat on the upper Congo, where tho
IocaI t.u iuia are now required to de
fray the expenses of publishing a semi
monthly instalment of revelations.
The new apostle has acquired the au
thority of a She.kh-Keblr, a chieftain
of several villages, and feels it his duty
to protect home industries by requiring
imported missionaries to pay a monthly
license of twelve yards of red flannel.
At the lUllm-ay Station.
Irish Woman O'im after axing ye
far a ticket till Ashland, Mr3
Agent Do you want an excurstot
ticket?
Irish Woman That soortav a ticket
is that. Mire?
Agent That's a ticket which will
take yon there and back again.
lri.h "Woman Hut: Flint's tho since
of me payin" to go there an" lwck here
agin, whin I'm hewi alriddy?
Mnt Cnr l-nni llrooVljn.
Spencer .lanes Kiys that he con
siders, Now York tho finest city in tiw
world.
Ferguson Decs he? Well, ask him
whether he came twer the brldgo or by
ferry.
Not Ilk Kind.
Fontlcrov (In 'hrpark? Utile boy,
-v-oul(lnt yxu like te come np to our
house nnd play?
Swipes, of Uleecker street (whose
years tiro i&) Wlutjw play crap?
lNjtitleroy 1 dnr no.
Swipe. UoWer pihtol ' play j.
Juns?
l'Vintleroy No.
Swipes Swipr joar old man', car
oots an' .wke m in de alley?
lonUeroy a!, no, indeed.
Swii)ot, U'hrt 4 youfc play, tiny
how? Fotitleroy Vepiay orcititt, and we
hiive a lovly li Ue kitten und
Swipe:, Ah. g'wny, .!.. Ysc
don't know n thin" "bout playin-.
Ycjhsu should die an' jineti ng4'l liuud,
you should.
Looking Ott ror Nmiilxir Onn.
Itlnjro You tire not going to try and
fire on" that rtwty old wumon thwtV
been lying in t ie tsoltur for tiie part
year, aw you. Itobldeji
llobbic Yok, sir; I thought 1 would.
IHnpo Now. Hobble, the first tUne
you fire it oil. the ohunuot, aw it wUl
hurst and blow you up.
Itobbie though, of that, pop, nnd
I'm going to jwt the little Uoy next
door to touch It off flrt.
Jeweler, Optician, and Engraver.
DEALER IN
WATCHES, DIAMONDS, CLOCKS, SILVERWARE,
JEWELRY, ETC., ETC.
All goods sol.l onj-mvod froo or ohatKo.and no oluvrgo uttulu for eNamlmi
tho oyos,
1 143 O Street. - - Lincoln, Neb
M
The
Lincoln
Qu rjn4,u -
vJc.LlL JJi.lL 11 0,
Cor. 1 4th & M
Stroola.
JsWitilaiMSf LINCOLN,
j " "" "" mJ IX r
rSI3
Iii i
OPEN AT ALL HOURS DAY OR NIGHT.
SULPHO-SALINE BATH HOUSE AND SANITARIUM
M.I. I'OHMS or UVTIIs-Tn-VIlt. ltln. ltmn. U'lTtrlc. wfli iivlnl ntlrnt'tti, to tl. ,. .,
mmm t XXTl'IIM. Sl T W U'KU IttTII'. wtwnl litn nir.inrr tlmn . n m.-r, tor ..
t lllwwntntlitni, NVtviiiMditnrnitiro, niui mi,n oilier IImmi-m l h tlutli ( l ii m. i .
!" th wml SUA IWTIII.su wnj iwti)ol nt nil i-nMin tn onr tr-, ihumu , ,,t . , i
W utrr SttlMiwlttR I'tiol, IxJxIW lunn, a to 10 tt ili'. Ii-vil to n uolfurHi tuitrriitur .,t ,ss ,ifUrt
can yolTafford towTiss it?
TUB OPPORTUNITY TO
P03SKSS A
Webster's Encyclopedia Dictionary.
THE LAST REVISION.
Containing fully 4r.0A more words dellnitiona nnd phrases than are to
bo found in tho latest editions of Webster's nnd Worcester's Unnbn.lced
Dictionaries nn-t ntiout Ja,tVl mow words than nro eontaineil in Webster's
International Dictionary Ma-sine the most comprehensive and complete
Dictionary of th Kndi-h L:ngtnio extant.
This mngmtlcens wrk will be on sale In this city for n, short time at
special prices and on su -h liberal terms that no onecut nironl to be without
this absolute necessity to the ambitious -.tudent or scholar.
An opportunity will be ntforded to everyone to examine a copy of the
nlovo work at this otllce. FW prices and terms .eo our solicitor, or apply to
OI-I.A.-5. BTJKl-sZli,
1 313 L Sti-eet.
)
226 So. 1 lth St. Ground Floor.
Special . llaks - to Shibcnts.
Two riood Oltlcnn.
FJrBt CatlzenWhat we want is a
non-partisan goornmant,
Soeond Cltljieo That's the talk. We
need a good, clean man like Mr. He
pub. First Citizen Huhl You moan a man
like Mr. Demo. Old Itepub is a born
raacal.
Second Citizen Old Demo ought to
have been In the penitentiary long ago.
FlrBt Citizen You're a liar!
Second Citizen You'ro another!
(They light.)
AH Orugglnts nail lr. ilUeH Tain ITIlfl.
A Special
SUIT SALE
is in Progress
Today at
Baker's Clothing House,
1039 0 Street.
Matter Tbooc
...PRINTER
lli V Street, Lincoln
c.pos programs, in
vi a7 ictus
Good Work. Tri. ts EeaBonnWe.
J. B. WoT. F U. Johnson. I H M,tt.u,
PleicM. icc-IHrwJcnt Cahu
Juh.N Amu. Ab't la' .it
THE
Columbia Nal'l Bank,
LINCOLN. NEt.
Capital,
$250,CO0.
WRhCTOK.
A S R om rem. Cm .. Wist. Umos Cochkan
Unit I have
the apparatus
IF YOU KNOW
for lmlf soling iu the ntiUst stylo,
tlie latest point shoes and tipto date
styles, it -would pay you to brlns all
your shoe rejyaii work to 10U South 18th
st- All work guuimiteed. J. Ill
PettiU
The Funke Opera House Elock
is the place to get votir Clioice Ameri
eii llftiuty and Hoses of any shade.
Carnations and all floral Avork guaran
teed. Decorations a bpechilty.
FHEY ic TREY,
Forists.
C. A. SHOEMAKER, M.D.,
lU. OF X., in.)
Office, No. 1134 L St., Ground Fbor
HOURS, 7 TO 9 A.M.; 1 TO 3
AND 7 TO O P M.
Telephone G85
.-..... .
TWO TRAINS DAILY
111 TtVEI N
AND
Auburn. Falls City,
Atchison, St. Joseph,
and Kansas City.
City Ticket Office, 1201 0 Street.
JX. C. TOWHSEHD. Gen'l P. & T A.
r. z. couzrz.z.. c. p. & v a
ltlJu.i vVonderful
The time the Union I'neifie "Ovfrlaud"
fast mail. No. Jl inakuH to Oj;den. Salt
LuU, itutte, Helena, Portion l, SitttiH
Kim KniiifiHCii mid i,o Anlert. 'Ijih
l)Alh Mi;Ti:OH Iiiih till- liuer-t qinj.iueut
coiihiHtimr itf l'ullmiiti 1'ulm-e.ii it L'nliol-Htt-rwi
Tuurit KIwjhth. Frw ItfolitntiK
ChuirCurH, utiil Diiut. Vnr hill informa
tion cull on or luldrfMrt E. 11. SIoh-om,
Gnnfrul Afiit, 1014 0 St., or J. T. Mtu
tiu, C. T. A.
The Ewing Clothing Co. are snowing
the best values In 18 and $10 suits and
overcoats in Lincoln.