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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (March 23, 2001)
Page 4 Daily Nebraskan Friday, March 23,2001
Editor Sarah Baker
Opinion Page Editor Jake Giazeski
Managing Editor Bradley Davis
“My dream is to be 95 years old and having
to be wheeled into the classroom to teach.”
NU Chancellor Harvey Perlman, on his
truest goals within the university
“There’s a childlike innocence that comes
with true passion, and if you lack this subtle
glow, you ain’t foolin’ me, pretentious boy (or
Columnist Karen Brown, while speaking
on the art of conversation
“I’m as fascinated by Thomas Edison and
Teddy Roosevelt as I am by Irving Berlin and
Scott Joplin. I’ve been trying to get them
together for years.”
Max Morath, pianist, on the continuity of
his interest in disparate cultural threads
“We will try to be a multidimensional
NU Coach Frank Solich, on his plans for
the next football season
“Luckily for Pepsi, if no one else, those
innovative hippies saw another need that they
could satisfy - that is, a place where underage
white kids could steal beer and then grope, or
even sexually assault, basically helpless girls
in some sort of'Million-Man Frat Party' - and
provided the public with it by producing the
second and third incarnations ofWoodstock."
Columnist Ted Wheeler, on the sellout of
the hippie generation
“It's not essential to my survival here, but I
enjoy it when I watch it"
Freshman Chris Kerr, on the importance
of cable in his life
“I'm hoping the numbers will turn around.
I'm an optimist I’ll never get tired of this."
NU Gymnastics Coach Francis Allen, on
his devotion to coaching gymnastics and to
“To the extent I paid attention, I liked it."
NU Chancellor Harvey Perlman, on the
attainment of his undergraduate history
“In the '70s, you heard a lot of these bands,
but now, especially in the Lincoln and Omaha
area, you don't see too many horn bands any
Todd French, bass trombone player of
Planet Butter, on the rarity of bands with a
“If I just be myself and be a leader out there,
a lot of those things will fall into place."
NU quarterback Eric Crouch, on his role in
next season's team
“If we want to be a better university, we
have to pay better salaries. It’s a reflection of
how much we were underpaying our top
NU Board of Regents Chairman Dr.
Charles Wilson, in response to negative reac
tions to recent administrative salary hikes
“ASUN having total control over the cam
pus newspaper’s purse strings would be
equivalent to the government running a
Daily Nebraskan editorial, on the negative
ramifications of allowing the ASUN more
budgetary involvement in the assignment of
Sarah Baker, Jeff Bloom, Bradley Davis, Jake Glazeski,
Matthew Hansen, Samuel McKewon, Kimberly Sweet
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Unsigned edtorisis are the opinions of the Spring 2001 Daly Nebraskan. They do not neceesarty
reflect the views of the Urevereity of Nebraska-Uncoln, its employees, its student body or the
Unhertey of Nebraska Board of Regents. A column is solely the opinion of *s author a catoon is
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Africa's truth diverse
Samuel Mckewon, exactly where was God
helping fight famine in Africa?
You see, Africa is such a big continent with so
many countries with such diverse weather patterns
that you have to be more specific.
Do you mean, maybe, he was at the equatorial
belt, which receives more rain than you could ever
imagine, or maybe he was in the Sahara desert,
which is dry almost all year round?
I totally enjoy your columns, but I have a slight
problem when Africa is portrayed as a starving con
You may say I am over-reacting, but it is subtle
stereotypical references such as yours that build up
in people's minds and snowball to epic propor
So if you were to have said “famine in northern
Kenya,” I would have had no problems, as you
would have been correct and specific, having real
ized that countries in Africa deserve unique atten
tion. (Who wouldn’t?)
president, African Students Association
Why pay the DN?
AP news: I can read that on line from a more reli
Sports: I watch SportsCenter. If people are
Husker-deprived, they can read die Journal Star.
Classifieds; I get the Sunday newspaper.
UNL news: OK, I’D give you that
Opinion: I watch “Politically Incorrect*
Obviously, you can see I can get my daily fix of
news from more trustworthy (and free) sources.
So it seems as though the only thing that the
Daily Nebraskan gives is UNL news, a chance to fur
ther careers by publishing articles at the student
body’s expense and the invaluable crossword neces
sary to survival.
So why does the DN need a projected $70,000
profit for this when most of what they provide I can
get elsewhere? Why is it necessary to have $50,000 in
student fees to do this?
I don't know, but according to an inference by die
DN, die “voices of die students” want die DN to get
their allocated funds. Well, this is one voice who says
they can survive without aU of that money.
first-year law student
College of Law
Time to ban small-talk
I’ve finally figured out the
perfect solution to our uni
versity's apparent suckiness.
In light of our new chan
chancellorship, I thought I
would throw my idea on the
table and see what happens.
With new leadership
comes, first and foremost,
higher salaries, and some
where later on the list is gen
uine academic improvement for the students. In
the time it takes me to write this here column, the
average UNL chancellor would make enough
money to buy him or herself a new set of brake pads
for his or her Oldsmobile Toronado, and mean
while, I’m just barely making enough to cover the
cost of my soda.
It’s a sacrifice, yes, but I’m willing to let all of you
in on my little secret - despite a severe lack of reim
Here’s my plan for improving just about any
thing you can think of at our university. Eliminate
small talk. Simple times call for simple answers, and
folks, this is about as simple as things get around
here in the land of the bugeaters.
I dare you to count how many utterly pointless,
hopelessly inane conversations you have each day
here at UNL Is it 10? Itoenty? Even more, I bet, if
you’re actually going to class instead of download
ing Steely Dan’s bootleg tracks all night and sleeping
i all day
My proposal is to institute a bylaw in the consti
tution (Every place like this surely has a constitu
tion, and what better place to implement a propos
al like this than in the bylaws?) that imposes swift,
harsh punishment for any and all small-talk con
Introductory phrases with multiple-choice
answers are completely out of the question.
“Hi, how are you?” (fine, good, all right) will
result in an immediate running over from the guy
driving the wheelbarrow at the new parking garage
being built on 17th and R streets.
“How’s it going?" (pretty good, not too bad)
means 39 lashes with a wet egg noodle. “What’s up?"
(only one possible answer for this one: not much)
gets the purveyor banned from reading the DN in
class for the rest of the semester.
Imagine the possibilities here, people! Let’s say
that every small-talk conversation that begins with
any of the above phrases lasts, oh, three minutes.
On a good day, you’ve wasted at least a half hour
yammering on about majors, which classes you’re
taking, how spring breaks/weekends/Martin
Luther King Jr. days were, or how stressed out you
think you are from your astroquantum mechanics
That’s two-and-a-half hours a week-80 hours in
a semester-just flushed right down the toilet (most
likely the toilet in Avery that has “please flush” sten
ciled in black letters on the back wall of the stall).
The point of banning small-talk is to force us, as
a group of20,000students, to think on a higher level
at the most basic of our daily activities. If we didn't
have cheesy small-talk as an option available to us,
we would have to find actual things, relevant things,
to talk about.
Our minds would be taxed to the point of
exhaustion to have true, meaningful conversation
with others. The point of that, finally, would be to
stimulate us, causing us to think beyond the box
that is now banned from existence.
We’d be thinking harder in class just because our
minds would be used to it Essays would be written
with ease and with better quality than before
because of our new, elevated mindset. Exams would
have to be re-written to take advantage of the mil
lions of synapses firing in our brains that we never
even knew existed.
And, somewhere in the distant future, we might
have a shot at second-tier status as a result
Of course, we will also have to ban small-talk
answers to these questions. Any of die previous pos
sible answers are unacceptable. Under my proposal
you will be required to think of an actual answer.
One that carries some amount of substance.
Someone asks how you’re doing, and you’d bet
ter have a good, honest response. Or at least one
that shows a smidgin of creativity.
Rest assured, the campus police will be looking
out to enforce this, as well as the meter maids that
circle like vultures along R Street The first sign of a
boring cookie-cutter answer will land you in the
restroom, getting a swirly from Tommie Fraser’s
grandmother. It only gets worse from there.
Small-talk is so pointless, it makes me shiver.
Generally, I don’t want to know how anyone is
doing, and chances are they don’t even want to tell
me. So why even ask the question?
I like to find out about people, show interest in
their lives and lend an ear when it’s needed. Small
talk is counterproductive and forces everyone to
use die same old answers to the same old meaning
Sometimes people answer the wrong tiling just
because it’s been so ingrained in their minds. "How
are you?" will sometimes get the response “not
much" because everyone expects you to ask “what’s
You want to break the ice? Ask real questions or
give real answers. Tell someone how you really are
doing and see how they react
Being friendly to others is worlds apart from
thinly veiled indifference for the sake of conven
ience. Show the world that you really do care.
When my proposal gets passed, as soon as I find
out how to submit it you won't really have a choice.
If you’ve got a problem with it... oops, I’ve total
ly gotta run. My class starts in five minutes. Take
care, dudes! I’ll see ya later! Call me sometime!
Death of a
al in so many
ways. I know
sickos, and no.
Come on, my
parents are going
to read this.
I spent my Spring Break in Orlando
with my two best friends. We're good
girls. We weren't there to spend the whole
time drunk or passed out or to see which
ofus could bed the most men.
We were there to revel at the
"Happiest Place on Earth:" Disney
I learned a very cynical, yet impor
tant lesson there. When people congre
gate in large groups, their IQs drop at
least 30 points and they become oblivi
ous to everyone else around them.
I know that there has to be evidence
of this in some psychology book some
Darwin would have loved Disney
World. It's a prime example of the sur
vival of the fittest
A person, especially a gin, must stay
on her guard at all times if she expects to
survive. To also have fun, she must be
and outwit the hyenas who would
snatch her zebra leg out of her teeth if
they had the chance.
And don't count on a giant, friendly
looking mouse to come and back you up
He’s not just out walking around the park
like in the commercials. You have to go to
a designated spot and wait in line for,
tike, two days if you want to see Mickey
That’s IF you want to see Mickey.
While we were at a club at Pleasure
Island, Disney's night-life area, we sawa
very intimidating woman ranting and
raving in a British accent about how
Mickey Mouse is a "f-ing narcissist
because everything is made in his f-ing
Now I know that not any of you are
thinking, "You know, she’s right; Mickey
Mouse is a narcissist” and I (font have to
teUyou: HE’S NOT READS
Our first encounter with hyenas was
when we were standing in line for the
We wanted to do everything, OK?
Anyway, we tigers were politely
standing in line when two Texan hyenas
came strolling up with their 80 little hye
nas. Instead of getting in line behind us
(we were obviously there first), they
decided that the line should continue
out to die side, after die group in front of
us instead of straight out behind us.
When the line started to move, the
one who appeared to be the Alpha Male
of the group quickly ran in front of us and
beckoned to the rest of his clan to file in
behind him, saying, “Come on, kids.
Come on, come on.”
My friends and I stared open
mouthed at this performance, and, while
we waited, I was reduced to commenting
audibly on the detriment to children
whose parents teach diem to cut in line.
It was pathetic, I tell you.
But we learned our lesson. The next
people who tried to do that lost eyes.
The next day, we merrily made our
way to MGM Studios. What happened
there was almost enough to make me
lose my faith in the general intelligence
We were standing in line to go on die
Aerosmith Rock ‘N Rollercoaster, free of
cutters, and we noticed a woman in line
a ways ahead of us holding an infant
We thought that this was odd. One
doesn't often see babies in roller coaster
lines. We wondered what the woman
was planning on doing with the baby,
since it was obviously not 40 inches tail
and they don't have special car seats for
small children on roller coasters. (Why
the heck not, I don't know. Babies love
being flung about erratically. Someone
could make a fortune off of that!)
But we thought that maybe she was
just waiting in line with her other kids or
something and wasn't actually planning
to ride the roller coaster. We were wrong.
A few minutes later, as we were get
ting close to the front of the line, we
noticed the woman, still holding the
baby holding up the ride while arguing
with the attendant The guy just kept
shaking his head at her and finally
showed her out the door.
Let me recap: This lady was trying to
take her infant with her on a roller coast
er. It went really fast. It went upside
She apparently thought that she
could hold it in her lap, between the
shoulder harness thing that goes over
your head. I’m surprised they didn’t
detain the idiot while they called Social
Services. Why are people like that
allowed to have children? Why? Arg.
I'm a bitter, bitter woman. I have
been completely disillusioned by Disney
World. The naive innocence of my child
hood is officially dead thanks to the
Happiest Place on Earth.
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