Opinion
/M/yNebraskan
Since 1901
Editor Sarah Baker
Opinion Page Editor Jake Glazeski
Managing Editor Bradley Davis
Quotes of the week
“It would be too easy for students who are
obeying the law to get in trouble with the law.”
Urvano Gamez, AS UN special topics chair
man, on LB 114, which would expand appli
cability of existing MIP laws
“It’s everything I expected and more. When
you get out on the floor and your teammates
are screaming their hearts out for you, it's fun.”
Gymnast Alecia Ingram, on the welcoming
atmosphere the university has provided
“Just being there, given the chance to sing,
is an honor and awesome experience.”
University Singer Kara Sunderman, on the
University Singers' recent trip to Carnegie
Hall in New York City
“I am never going to quit this job; they're
going to have to fire me.”
Senior educational psychology major
Summer Spivey, on her job tending bar at
Studio 14
“How does an individual feel capable of
driving a vehicle when they can’t even recite
the alphabet?”
Columnist Mark Zmarzly, on the apparent
idiocy of driving while intoxicated
“The United States is the only industrial
country where the growing of industrial hemp
is illegal.”
Sen. Ed Schrock of Elm Creek, on the
United States' lone stand on industrial hemp
“The university just doesn’t want to com
pete with poor, little ol’ Peru.”
Ben Johnson, president of Peru State
College, on the university’s opposition to
Peru State opening a branch in downtown
Lincoln
“No, Mr. Johnson, it's just that UNL admin
istrators are mindful of die fact that state tax
payers don’t want to pay for a school on every
block.”
Daily Nebraskan editorial, on why adding
a downtown Lincoln branch for Peru State is
notagoodidea
“Christina Aguilera doesn’t have a political
agenda; she just wants to shake her ass and
make a buck (and she does a mighty good job
of both).”
Music commentator Andrew Shaw, on the
changing role of music as a filler of silence
“I think basketball games are won and lost
on the offensive and defensive glass, so when
our big men play like that, we aren’t going to
lose many games.”
Nebraska guard Kevin Augustine, on
Nebraska’s win against Missouri on
Wednesday
“I’ll miss interacting with the faculty, staff
and students. But, after 17 years, I’m excited
about seeking new professional challenges.”
Former UNL Police Chief Ken Cauble, on
his sudden departure from the campus
“We have whittled life into specific specs.
We opt for excess.”
Columnist Dan Leamen, on the modern
obsession with luxury and the consumption
of perfection
“African American history at its base is
American history.”
Walter Rucker, associate professor of his
tory, on the relevance of Black History Month
Editorial Board
Sarah Baker, Jeff Bloom, Bradley Davis, Jake Glazeski,
Matthew Hansen, Samuel McKewon, Kimberly Sweet
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Unsigned editorials am the opinions of the Fall 2000 Dally Nebraskan. They do not necessarily
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Bringing out the best boys
I am going to make a
No.l album. It’s something
I’ve always wanted to do, so I
might as well just get down
to business.
Right now you're think
ing, “How do you plan on
doing that, Elizabeth? Do
you think that just any ordi
nary, mid-western female
can accomplish such a feat?”
of songwriters to express the deepest thoughts and
emotions of my protggds. Once I’m done with ’em,
they Won’t know which ideas are their own and
which ideas have been fed to them anyway.
All of the songs on the album will be about
roughly the same things: girls, love, loss and having
a good time with Mends. It’ll be chock full of sappy
ballads with a few catchy dance tunes mixed in. I
know it sounds like a load of crap, but hey, it's what
sells.
Plus, there are about a million words that
rhyme with “you,” “heart” and “love.” Hie team just
has to mix ’em up, write ’em down and ship ’em
out It’s so efficient that way, like an assembly line.
Once we've got the words, the music just writes
itself. Happy songs are faster and upbeat, sad
songs are slower. The band doesn’t actually have to
learn how to play instruments. For the few songs
that aren't done electronically, we'll just have to
hire guitarists, violinists, etc.
So there ya go. We’ve got the hit album. Once
their first single starts getting the obligatory inces
sant pop-radio and MTV airtime, they’ll fly off the
shelves faster than you can say “exploitation.”
After my first group makes it big, I’ll move on to
other projects. I could even make this work with
individuals, especially teenage girls. They’re all
struggling for a sense of identity and want to be
adored for their bodies anyway, so here’s their big
chance, handed to them on a silver platter! Great
idea, huh?
Wait a minute. That’s been done before? Well,
where the heck have I been? I should have known
that someone had to have thought of an idea as
wonderful as that before. And I thought I was so
original...
Elizabeth
Polles
Yes, I do.
No, I'm not going to miraculously improve my
guitar-playing ability and start a band.
I’m not going to spend hours writing lyrics and
composing music. I will never spend my weekend
nights playing at little clubs, hoping with all of my
heart and soul that people will come to my shows.
There is no way I will ever drive a van all over the
place to get to gigs outside of Omaha or Lincoln so
that I can gain some recognition for my music.
I can think of about a hundred other things I'd
rather do besides sell CDs out of the trunk of my
car. I’m not going to move to L.A. in the hopes of
being signed by a record label and facing rejection
over and over again. Doing all that would be way
too much work.
{mean, that would require determination,
ambition and a real love of what I was doing. No,
thank you, that doesn't sound like fun to me.
Anyway, I just want the money. This is all just a
business investment to me.
So what am I going to do?
Oh, it’s ingenious, I tell you. I'm going to create
a boy singing-group and call it a band. I know I can
find at least five good-looking guys who can do
cute dance steps
and carry a tune _____
somewhere
between Lincoln
and Omaha. All I
have to do is hold
an audition and get
a panel of girls aged
9 to 15 to pick the
winners.
Getting my
project signed to a
label shouldn’t be a
problem, since it’s
ensured that they
will make millions.
Once that’s done,
I’ll begin the task of
sculpting the soon
to-be-stars' images.
What if they
have their own
images already?
Nah. Even if they
do, they'll be con
tent to adopt new
ones once they see,
their first check. /
There will be
the funny, goofball
one; the lead-singer
heartthrob that all
the little girl fans
will want to marry;
the smart, mysteri
ous-looking one
who, they will
imagine, probably
writes all the lyrics
(we’ll solve that
problem later); the
sporty one who
always wears the
baseball cap and, of
course, the “bad
boy” with the goat
ee and the earring,
to appeal to the
more-rebellious
conformists.
Now, as for the
lyrics, it shouldn’t
be too much of a
problem to get the
label to hire a team
r
Scott Eastman/DN
Write to us
letters@unlinfo.unl.edu.
*«*■»
Look at all
the stupid
people
If there is one
truth in this world,
it is, according to
anyone you ask on
the street, that
people are stupid.
Try taking
your own infor
mal survey and
see if I'm not right
Simon
Ringsmuth
uu uii) juaiduui
asking people in class if they think other
people are stupid. “Hm..." they will pon
der, thinking about how they got cut off
on the way to school by a middle-aged
white male in a sport utility vehicle or the
cashier at McDonald's who couldn’t find
the right register button, even though it
was her first day. “Yeah, man, people sure
are stupid.”
How interesting.
I was once riding to Eagle with my
friend and his older brother, and they
were both complaining about their jobs at
Valentino’s. Both were going on and on
about how every single customer was stu
pid. (How all the stupid people in Lincoln
managed to congregate at the same
restaurant was beyond me. Imagine the
chaotic mass of stupidity in the parking
lot alone!)
Apparently, the older brother had
taken his own informal survey at his high
school, from which my current survey is
derived. It involved proving his personal
theory that the world, save roughly 20
people, was stupid.
Yes, that’s right - stupid, as in dumb as
a frozen post I guess everyone he asked,
which was most of his friends, had
responded with a hearty, “Yes, the world is
stupid." He asked about 10 people. So if
we count those 10 people, plus myself (he
never asked my opinion on the matter,
but he did include me among the non
stupids) and his younger brother, that
meant a full 13 out of the 20 non-stupid
people in the world were right here in
Nebraska.
Imagine my luck! Earlier that day I
was merely a grocery sacker in high
school, but now I was a smart cookie. I
was not stupid.
Yes, we are a small band of super
humans capable of using an ATM
machine without forgetting our PIN
numbers, having paper and fountain pen
on hand before we ask for a phone num
ber and knowing exactly what is making
that noise in our cars.
We, unlike you, are not stupid. You,
however, are stupid, as was declared by
my friend’s brother, and you are cursed to
live with your fate. I do have sympathy for
you, but can you blame me for being elat
ed at the prospect of comprising five-per
cent of the entire smart population?
You obviously have no idea how to
drive a stick-shift car. That one time when
your clutch slipped in the left-tum lane?
Sorry, but you are forever rendered stupid
because of it. You are inept when it comes
to metal detectors and what to remove
when passing through them at airports.
Why you couldn’t just remove your watch
and your belt buckle the first time is
beyond me.
And don’t use the I’m-late-for-my
flight-because-my-car-imploded excuse.
You are stupid and that’s that Ha. You may
have scored a near perfect on the ol’ SAT,
but thanks to the one time you couldn't
figure out how to operate your buddy's
microwave, you’re stupid.
Any time and every time you have
succumbed to the law of human nature,
which states that we all make mistakes,
you have been rendered stupid. Reasons,
excuses, explanations and threats can’t
change that You’re stuck with it
Thankfully, I listened to Mom and
chose the right friends because they were
not stupid. At the time, I didn't even know
what I was doing, but I’m thanking my
lucky stars now.
I guess if I hadn't been in the car that
night I would still be a smart person, but
no one would have told me. I would be
wandering around just like the rest of you
pathetic mortals who are truly stupid, all
the while deceiving only myself that I was
just like you. It’s too bad that you are all
deceived, just as I was.
1 m writing all this today simply to
inform all of you of your stupidness. I’m
sorry, truly I am, but there’s just no way to
escape it
You should be thanking me, but
instead I’ll most likely be scorned and
forced to preach my message of stupidity
from the Broyhill Fountain pulpit like so
many other stupid people. Before you
stone me to death in die volleyball pits of
Selleck Quad, just think of all the trouble
I'm saving you by making you aware of
your stupidity now, instead of letting you
figure it out on your own.
You won’t need to mutter under your
breath that people are stupid when some
one makes a mistake and forces you to
wait an extra 30 seconds for your precious
moccachino at the Nebraska Union
Starbucks because now you know that
you are one of them. Why not hug your
fellow stupid man instead of condemning
him next time? Then you can both smile
knowing you are equally stupid.
It must suck to be stupid, but I would
n’t know.