The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, August 29, 2000, Page 4, Image 4
Opinion | Daily Nebraskan Tuesday, August 29,2000 Page 4 Zte/yNebraskan Since 1901 Editor Sarah Baker Opinion Page Editor Samuel McKewon Managing Editor Bradley Davis Spare the rod Spoil UNL when deciding what NU programs to slash The University of Nebraska-Iincoln is in trouble. With its share of state funds decreasing and tuition remaining abysmally low, this storied university on the plains - once one of the key outposts of intellect west of the Mississippi-is now regarded more as an aca demic pipsqueak. As the university system is forced to spread across four campuses its shrinking chunk of change, administrators are now doing some thing that some people within the guarded walls of academia may have thought only happened in the pits of corporate America. The University of Nebraska is prioritizing. And reorganizing. And cutting and slashing all to become more cost-effective. Seven-thousand programs, the NU Board of Regents announced Saturday, will be examined and ranked according to how well they fit selected criteria. The criteria include: how well a program relates to the strategic mission of the univer sity, the need and demand for the program, the impact the program has on the campus, the state and greater society and the amount and quality of research a program generates. The ranking process, while necessary to a university whose chronic underfunding has left it bleeding red ink, is contrary to UNL’s desperate goal of bolstering its tarnished academic reputation. Though some signs point to a resurgence of academic activity and respect on this cam pus - the increasing number of well-pre pared and high-ranking freshmen, notable research in the life sciences and a distance education program that is held as an nation al example - UNL could be in danger of los ing what status it has remaining: its position as a national, major research institution. If classes or programs are cut that make UNL what it is - a comprehensive institution of higher learning, not a trade school, com muter campus or community college - the university will undo what has been done in the long road to the UNL’s academic recov ery. When the universitywide task force is examining classes on campuses in Omaha and Kearney, it should keep in mind Lincoln’s role as the land-grant and flagship campus of the state. The Lincoln campus, which competes with other national universities on its own and not as part oftheNU system, shouldlead the university's campuses in every academic endeavor. The University of Nebraska at Omaha and the University of Nebraska at Kearney should have their programs slashed to the bone before administrators even think of touching programs and classes on the Lincoln cam pus, that, while hurting, is the real home for academic activity in the state. Editorial Board Sarah Baker, Bradley Davis, Josh Funk, Matthew Hansen, Samuel McKewon, Dane Stickney, Kimberly Sweet Letters PoNcy 1 he Daly Usfarasl ran welcomes Uriah, tetters to the editor and gueet columns, but does not guar antee their puMctaion. The Daly Nebraskan retains the rij^t to edk or reject any material submitted. Submitted material becomee property at the Daly Nebraskan and cannot be returned. Anonymous aubmiaaions wtl not be published. Those vriio submit letters must identify themselves by name year m school, major andfar group aflfabon, if any. Submit malarial to: Daly Nebraskan 20 Nebraska Union 1400 R St Uncoki, NE 68588-0448. E mak letter aOtarinto.unl.edu. Editorial Polcy Unaignad editorials are the opinions ol the Fal 2000 Daily Nebraskan. They do not necesswity reflect toe views of tos Univeraity of Nebraska-Uncoln. its employees, its student body or the UNversty of Nebraska Board of Regents. A column is solely the opinion of its author, a cartoon m solely the option of la artlaL The Board of Regents acts as pubkaher of the Daily Nebraskan; pot uy is set by toe Daly Nabraakan EdMorial Board. The UNL Publcabone Board, eeteblahed by the regents, super lass the production oftoe paper. Accordtog to poicy set by the regents, response UBy tor toe ettocrtalcontaUoftoe newspaper las solely in toe hands oils employees. /or*Ymm )0j \ STAYS -a*y\W$ 1 \JS Gent! :jjiTH *JHPperr &' r-jhl.OF'*fr 7.00C ‘'OUfi'Bs, '-Hf f£M.tri ppogf PTHf5R fH£#NS OP £i UHiflA^otJ. i •V Hi TFUTVt \EU*iNfiTiOtj of utemjKs ,C*JtS£‘ ft th 'mu. Fifi Jr*. \m HiU£H~ , ,/ Stieuxn 7W/sf\ 3oMtiefrflKuM\ ^f. \ wTH tW’a^T’S // *■ n 7i*^r S£AP h fop. r-U'-OftV *1 -Thf Wls jw «CC\k (tw cm / fsn'f ; K K^wt' 4. HfB riu mrmf new* JB5p ■v rowt (tii*- &F9C aff0mi feCOKP aWT M tom&i .ftflif' :'if* im p&'J'jOUS OJTof nrt&AUrf BkJtV ON PtfU+ibL 6!At •M+sUl NeaiObermeyer/DN Senior-Check Lady holds our fate in twisted hands Karen Brown We all know her. She’s there waiting, seething, writhing some where in her cubi cle crammed with thousands of pink slips and an ash tray filled to the brim because of the strange amal gam of stress and monotony she must endure in her everyday work. She finds some twisted joy in trap ping and enslaving iiuiiuicua ui my fellow brethren a day, keeping we students at this university until we have paid five times more than we should. And it’s all because of this one lady. One lady who does our beloved senior checks. One lady that I will aptly call the Senior-Check Lady. For you freshmen and sophomores (and extremely unfortunate seniors) who don’t know what these are, let me tell you of that which I speak. Senior checks are the only surefire way to let you, the paying student, know exactly what classes you have left to take before you can officially graduate. And, last I heard, graduating officially is the only way to get the damned diploma. Is it fair that one woman lies between you and sweet freedom? I think not. Therefore, this woman has become the Antichrist in my tear-ridden, mas sively mascara-laden eyes. i suDminea my cnecx in January 101 iwu), ana it still hasn’t come back. I checked on it once at die six month marie, hoping that I would be able to plan this fall semester accordingly and not just going from my own calculations from the past four years. Anyway, at the six-month mark, the ominous secretary smiled and said: “We’re still working on the December 2000 graduates.” I was so angry I beat her up. I was so upset that they didn’t care about me, Me, ME. But I figured that they would get to mine soon enough since I had had it in for so long. She told me to check with my adviser, and I laughed so hard I had to have a hernia operation. Believe me, advisers are good for one thing - not helping students. I checked again this week for fear that my pink slip of life and death was not stuck under someone's butt. It wasn’t, and I was informed that they just started on the Mav 2000 graduates. I was excited Ineverhadaprofc in the cubicle” until my own dis g r u n t 1 e d encounter. I am nothing if not punctual, hon est, drunk, won derful and on top of my shit. I heard from the little man who travels through and tells about 10 students in 10,000 that sen ior checks even exist. lem with this elusive “monster It took two weeks compared with eight months. Why did she get hers back so soon? My guess is that she has one major. Hmmm. There’s something horribly wrong here... once more until 1 spoke with my friend who submitted hers two weeks ago (in the same college) and got it back already. Itoo weeks! I smell anarchy. It took two weeks compared with eight months. Why did she get hers back so soon? My guess is that she has one major. Hmmm. There’s something horribly wrong here, and I don't mean A1 Gore’s speech patterns. 1 must urge the Senior-Check Lady to realize that my frustration is perhaps unjustly directed toward her. However, who else is there really to blame? The uni I just happened to be beating someone up who just came bom applying for his senior check. He (I think it was Wayne Newton.) told me that you must apply for this unknown necessity at least a year before you plan on graduating. Well, after I finished bloodying Wayne’s nose and flashing my gang sign, I rushed right on over to Canfield to sign up. As I am one of those extremely overproductive and industrious students who is double majoring (in the art of sneezing sans snot and physics) with a minor (in cross-dressing cows) I heard from yet another "in the know” student that I’m even more liable to get to wait longer. Somehow, the Senior-Check Nazi, oops I mean Lady, will keep shoving these double majors to the back while those solo majors get to move to the head of the class and out in the streets bare-naked and crying even sooner. You want proof? versity' I don’t think so. I mean, I’m positive that they’ve done everything in their power to get with the times and turn to technology for the answer. I don’t really care for the idea of computers tak ing over human jobs (especially after my mom nixed my dad for a cyborg), but I think the proposed com puterized senior-check system is a good thing espe cially with the insane amount of freshmen this year. Maybe Senior-Check Lady can rule over that system once more even if it is computerized. If it’s true that there's one lady who does it all because it must be done in a fair manner, then I’m sure to never get mine back after what I’ve said. I’ll just have to take even more classes in diaper changing and balloon-animal making to pass the sweet time until my name is finally called once more. And she’ll take a look at it, see my name and put it right back on the bottom of the pile. P.S. Write back We’d love to hear what you have to say about issues that concern you or stories that we haven’t covered. Sizing up a painful reality for women I had tried on two million pairs of size 6 and 7 jeans before I realized I might have to run if I wanted to look 16 again. Right. Run. I only run when chased. And that Emily Moran never happens because that would call for pain. I would rather take another accounting class. With Professor Lawrence. Now that is pain. The reality is that you cannot have a tight figure forever. You cannot have a tight figure forever. You cannot. You just cannot. It is not possible. 1 know who you are. You squeeze into those tight sequin shirts. Those shirts in the girls section. I saw you there. I was there, too. You suck it in for a hot pair of pink pants. Found on clearance. You bought them just in case you shrunk. I watched you. I changed in the next stall. Mine did not fit either. I saw you tossing bras a size too small into your cart. You needed two sizes bigger. You knew that. I knew that. I also knew there was not a size below mine. You understood. You saw me, too. You are not alone. I am there, too. I tried on a pair ofsize9jeans. And the jeans fit. I hated that the jeans fit I wanted them to sag to my knees. Then I would laugh at those in size 9s. Because I had won. Because I could toss jeans around the Laundromat with out covering the tag. Because indeed a size 9 was too large for me. Because I was small. I was a size 6. Right Size 6. Truth was the jeans fit. Size 9. And perfect. I hated size 9. I bought size 9. Three pairs. I wore I know what I want to look like. So do you. I subscribe to Glamour. You to Cosmopoli tan. I want to have a rack. You want a smaller one. a pair. But I did not leave the apartment I know what I want to look like. So do you. I subscribe to Glamour. You to Cosmopolitan. I want to have a rack. You want a smaller one. I want long hair. You want short. I want to wear pink without scaring squirrels. You want to wear neon. I want what you have. Your tight abs. Your thick hair. Your size 6. You want what I have. My small shoulders. My brown eyes. My size 6. But I am size 9. And so are you. I am not a Barbie. Neither are you. Attention self-esteem experts: Take note. This is important The poster with the size 13 Barbie sucks. She is plastic. Plastic does not move. She has a rack. But it is plastic. Plastic does not need a bra. Or control top hose. Or a self-esteem poster. Now listen. I think. Just me. That if the poster were not there, I would not care. Or notice. Or feel like crap. Because in the poster, you put me there. You make me her. Size 13. Because I need self-esteem. This poster is validation. That I belong. To whom you need to help. To make me feel beautiful. Because all women in size 13 have no self-esteem. What crap. Complete crap. I dis agree. So trash the campaign. And leave me alone. Leave her alone. And her, too. I have a right to size 6.1 have a right to tight shirts. I have a right to disagree with you. You can do the same with me. But listen. Around you. To Plain Jane. In the stall next to you. She is too fat for her shorts. She hates her haircut Too short to hide her back. She has thick ankles. She wants thick hair. She finds nothing. In size 6. Then she tries 9. She breathes. She uses her pockets. She smiles. But never admits to size 9. That is fine. It is her choice. I was there, too. Different context. Same principle. I spilled to you. You listened this far. I am size 9. What are you?