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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 29, 2000)
Daily Nebraskan Tuesday, August 29,2000 Page 4
Editor Sarah Baker
Opinion Page Editor Samuel McKewon
Managing Editor Bradley Davis
Spare the rod
Spoil UNL when deciding
what NU programs to slash
The University of Nebraska-Iincoln is in
With its share of state funds decreasing
and tuition remaining abysmally low, this
storied university on the plains - once one of
the key outposts of intellect west of the
Mississippi-is now regarded more as an aca
As the university system is forced to spread
across four campuses its shrinking chunk of
change, administrators are now doing some
thing that some people within the guarded
walls of academia may have thought only
happened in the pits of corporate America.
The University of Nebraska is prioritizing.
And reorganizing. And cutting and slashing
all to become more cost-effective.
Seven-thousand programs, the NU Board
of Regents announced Saturday, will be
examined and ranked according to how well
they fit selected criteria.
The criteria include: how well a program
relates to the strategic mission of the univer
sity, the need and demand for the program,
the impact the program has on the campus,
the state and greater society and the amount
and quality of research a program generates.
The ranking process, while necessary to a
university whose chronic underfunding has
left it bleeding red ink, is contrary to UNL’s
desperate goal of bolstering its tarnished
Though some signs point to a resurgence
of academic activity and respect on this cam
pus - the increasing number of well-pre
pared and high-ranking freshmen, notable
research in the life sciences and a distance
education program that is held as an nation
al example - UNL could be in danger of los
ing what status it has remaining: its position
as a national, major research institution.
If classes or programs are cut that make
UNL what it is - a comprehensive institution
of higher learning, not a trade school, com
muter campus or community college - the
university will undo what has been done in
the long road to the UNL’s academic recov
When the universitywide task force is
examining classes on campuses in Omaha
and Kearney, it should keep in mind Lincoln’s
role as the land-grant and flagship campus of
The Lincoln campus, which competes
with other national universities on its own
and not as part oftheNU system, shouldlead
the university's campuses in every academic
The University of Nebraska at Omaha and
the University of Nebraska at Kearney should
have their programs slashed to the bone
before administrators even think of touching
programs and classes on the Lincoln cam
pus, that, while hurting, is the real home for
academic activity in the state.
Sarah Baker, Bradley Davis, Josh Funk, Matthew Hansen,
Samuel McKewon, Dane Stickney, Kimberly Sweet
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Unaignad editorials are the opinions ol the Fal 2000 Daily Nebraskan. They do not necesswity
reflect toe views of tos Univeraity of Nebraska-Uncoln. its employees, its student body or the
UNversty of Nebraska Board of Regents. A column is solely the opinion of its author, a cartoon m
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BkJtV ON PtfU+ibL 6!At
Senior-Check Lady holds
our fate in twisted hands
We all know
where in her cubi
cle crammed with
thousands of pink
slips and an ash
tray filled to the
brim because of
the strange amal
gam of stress and
must endure in her
She finds some
twisted joy in trap
ping and enslaving
iiuiiuicua ui my
fellow brethren a day, keeping we students at this
university until we have paid five times more than
And it’s all because of this one lady. One lady
who does our beloved senior checks. One lady that I
will aptly call the Senior-Check Lady.
For you freshmen and sophomores (and
extremely unfortunate seniors) who don’t know
what these are, let me tell you of that which I speak.
Senior checks are the only surefire way to let you,
the paying student, know exactly what classes you
have left to take before you can officially graduate.
And, last I heard, graduating officially is the only way
to get the damned diploma.
Is it fair that one woman lies between you and
sweet freedom? I think not. Therefore, this woman
has become the Antichrist in my tear-ridden, mas
sively mascara-laden eyes.
i suDminea my cnecx in January 101 iwu), ana it
still hasn’t come back. I checked on it once at die six
month marie, hoping that I would be able to plan
this fall semester accordingly and not just going
from my own calculations from the past four years.
Anyway, at the six-month mark, the ominous
secretary smiled and said: “We’re still working on the
December 2000 graduates.”
I was so angry I beat her up.
I was so upset that they didn’t care about me, Me,
ME. But I figured that they would get to mine soon
enough since I had had it in for so long. She told me
to check with my adviser, and I laughed so hard I had
to have a hernia operation. Believe me, advisers are
good for one thing - not helping students.
I checked again this week for fear that my pink
slip of life and death was not stuck under someone's
butt. It wasn’t, and I was informed that they just
started on the Mav 2000 graduates. I was excited
in the cubicle”
until my own dis
g r u n t 1 e d
I am nothing if
not punctual, hon
est, drunk, won
derful and on top
of my shit. I heard
from the little man
through and tells
about 10 students
in 10,000 that sen
ior checks even
lem with this elusive “monster
It took two weeks
compared with eight
months. Why did she get
hers back so soon? My
guess is that she has one
major. Hmmm. There’s
something horribly wrong
once more until 1 spoke with my friend
who submitted hers two weeks ago (in the
same college) and got it back already. Itoo
I smell anarchy.
It took two weeks compared with
eight months. Why did she get hers back
so soon? My guess is that she has one
Hmmm. There’s something horribly
wrong here, and I don't mean A1 Gore’s
1 must urge the Senior-Check Lady to
realize that my frustration is perhaps
unjustly directed toward her. However,
who else is there really to blame? The uni
I just happened to be beating someone up who
just came bom applying for his senior check. He (I
think it was Wayne Newton.) told me that you must
apply for this unknown necessity at least a year
before you plan on graduating.
Well, after I finished bloodying Wayne’s nose and
flashing my gang sign, I rushed right on over to
Canfield to sign up. As I am one of those extremely
overproductive and industrious students who is
double majoring (in the art of sneezing sans snot
and physics) with a minor (in cross-dressing cows) I
heard from yet another "in the know” student that
I’m even more liable to get to wait longer.
Somehow, the Senior-Check Nazi, oops I mean
Lady, will keep shoving these double majors to the
back while those solo majors get to move to the head
of the class and out in the streets bare-naked and
crying even sooner.
You want proof?
I don’t think so. I mean, I’m positive that they’ve
done everything in their power to get with the times
and turn to technology for the answer.
I don’t really care for the idea of computers tak
ing over human jobs (especially after my mom nixed
my dad for a cyborg), but I think the proposed com
puterized senior-check system is a good thing espe
cially with the insane amount of freshmen this year.
Maybe Senior-Check Lady can rule over that system
once more even if it is computerized.
If it’s true that there's one lady who does it all
because it must be done in a fair manner, then I’m
sure to never get mine back after what I’ve said.
I’ll just have to take even more classes in diaper
changing and balloon-animal making to pass the
sweet time until my name is finally called once
And she’ll take a look at it, see my name and put
it right back on the bottom of the pile.
P.S. Write back
We’d love to hear what you
have to say about issues
that concern you or stories
that we haven’t covered.
Sizing up a
I had tried on
two million pairs
of size 6 and 7
jeans before I
realized I might
have to run if I
wanted to look
Right. Run. I
only run when
chased. And that
never happens because that would call
for pain. I would rather take another
accounting class. With Professor
Now that is pain.
The reality is that you cannot have
a tight figure forever. You cannot have a
tight figure forever. You cannot. You
just cannot. It is not possible.
1 know who you are. You squeeze
into those tight sequin shirts. Those
shirts in the girls section.
I saw you there.
I was there, too.
You suck it in for a hot pair of pink
pants. Found on clearance. You bought
them just in case you shrunk. I
watched you. I changed in the next
stall. Mine did not fit either. I saw you
tossing bras a size too small into your
cart. You needed two sizes bigger. You
knew that. I knew that. I also knew
there was not a size below mine.
You understood. You saw me, too.
You are not alone. I am there, too.
I tried on a pair
the jeans fit. I
hated that the
jeans fit I wanted
them to sag to my
knees. Then I
would laugh at
those in size 9s.
Because I had
won. Because I
could toss jeans
out covering the
indeed a size 9
was too large for
me. Because I was
small. I was a size
6. Right Size 6.
Truth was the
jeans fit. Size 9.
And perfect. I
hated size 9. I
bought size 9.
Three pairs. I wore
So do you. I
tan. I want
to have a
But I did not leave the apartment
I know what I want to look like. So
do you. I subscribe to Glamour. You to
Cosmopolitan. I want to have a rack.
You want a smaller one. I want long
hair. You want short. I want to wear
pink without scaring squirrels. You
want to wear neon. I want what you
have. Your tight abs. Your thick hair.
Your size 6. You want what I have. My
small shoulders. My brown eyes. My
But I am size 9. And so are you.
I am not a Barbie. Neither are you.
Attention self-esteem experts: Take
note. This is important
The poster with the size 13 Barbie
sucks. She is plastic. Plastic does not
move. She has a rack. But it is plastic.
Plastic does not need a bra. Or control
top hose. Or a self-esteem poster.
Now listen. I think. Just me. That if
the poster were not there, I would not
care. Or notice. Or feel like crap.
Because in the poster, you put me
there. You make me her. Size 13.
Because I need self-esteem.
This poster is validation. That I
belong. To whom you need to help. To
make me feel beautiful. Because all
women in size 13 have no self-esteem.
What crap. Complete crap. I dis
agree. So trash the campaign. And
leave me alone. Leave her alone. And
I have a right to size 6.1 have a right
to tight shirts. I have a right to disagree
with you. You can do the same with
But listen. Around you. To Plain
Jane. In the stall next to you. She is too
fat for her shorts. She hates her haircut
Too short to hide her back. She has
thick ankles. She wants thick hair.
She finds nothing. In size 6. Then
she tries 9. She breathes. She uses her
pockets. She smiles. But never admits
to size 9.
That is fine. It is her choice. I was
there, too. Different context. Same
principle. I spilled to you. You listened
I am size 9.
What are you?
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