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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 28, 2000)
p j_ • • I am the Daily Nebraskan opinion
H 11 T1 t*p 1 1 Afl O O’ p P I have no real feeling behind trying editor for next fall.
X. vilviX V V/ Lf XXXXWXX U CiwV U to wrap my first year of column writing Here, I will take the opportunity to
to‘1 1 ' A ^ at the Daily Nebraskan. introduce you to the weekly colum
|| ^ I r PT1 T1 O" Others have done it longer. nists of the fall semester. There’s six,
XXV/ X VX W X X L/ L/ XX Xw Others have more poignant things to with 10-12 occasional or biweekly
1 * i '1 Mnj A say. columnists. You’ll meet diem next
aiairiDeSVV Ji * Others aren’t coming back. I am. year. But now, I’ll let you in on the six
T nv\fp AUpttl tl (J Sol will look forward. most influential people on campus,
I If Clll ™ ’ ’ V/ V llllw three months ahead of time. Come on,
1*1 * i ^ you have to have something to look
Brian Carlson has been around
the DN block a few times, mostly in
the position of governmental
reporter, a job he will reprise next
fall, covering the state congress
races, among other things. I’d be
lying if I«said I thought anyone was a
better pure news writer at the univer
sity, so highly do I think of his skills.
In his words: My column begins
with the premise that ideas and inde
pendent thought matter. The public
consistently expresses its disdain for
the media, but it seems just as con
sistently to adopt the media s con
ventional wisdom. I will challenge
\he media s conventional wisdom on
a wide range of political and social
issues. I will say what I think regard
less of consequences, but always
with due consideration for those
who disagree. Rather than resorting
to personal attacks or politically
correct platitudes that stifle real
debate, I will strive to focus on the
merits of an argument.
Brian will run on Mondays, the
proper dose of reality you need to
start your week.
Before he became a
Glazeski used to write
die Daily Nebraskan
columnists direcdy, chal
lenging them on their
work and ideas. It’s too
bad we didn’t reel him in
sooner. What he was able
to do was inject polariza
tion into issues without
shrinking away from
them. How many
columns have been back
handed tricks, like sar
casm, in the DN over the
years? Too many.
Jacob has no such
pretenses. His writing is
at times combative. Not
everyone would dare to
agree with him out loud.
Overtime, as the
nuances of his writings
became more common in
my mind, I appreciated
them more. There is much
more here than the shock
writing of many writers in
our past. I’ve heard the
same accusations levied
on his work, and such
accusations are unfound
ed. Look closer. Even in
specifics, Jacob’s work
lends itself to universal
In his words:
Because I’ve effective
ly pared my readership
down to a handful of
friends and closely relat
ed gerbils, it is really kind
ofpointless for me to list
here who I am or what I
will be writing next
semester. But because my
would like me to re-intno
duce myself, I shall.
If you haven’t gath
ered this already from the
semester, lama rational
looking queer and my
specific opinions vary’ in
terms of political camps.
One week I may feel con
servative, the next liberal.
It all depends on my
ratio for the previous
week (in terms of mass).
Of course, you may
have difficulty discerning
this exclusively from my
columns because I, too,
have discovered the beau
tiful ease ofwriting fic
tional columns, complete
ly devoid of political con
explaining my eclecticism
have been proposed, none
of which sufficiently
meets my requirement
that all be complimentary.
I view it rather as a jour
ney down the Mississippi
- every day something
new happens that
changes my life forever,
and this is reflected in
your weekly view into my
opinionated (or not-so
Because next semes
ter is so far down the road
- not only after a summer,
but after a full-time job
working in Douglas
County Jail-I can only
tell you that my column
next semester will be a
reflection of who I choose
to be at that time.
I’ll try to keep it inter
esting, but this is *me*
we ’re talking about here.
Karen Brown has
groupies. This I know.
And, knowing Karen, I
consider myself one of
them. I consider her the
best we have to offer,
and she isn’t moving
one inch from her
Tuesday slot. Where her
writing power comes
from, at least in my
opinion, lies not in
imagination but in her
essence. Karen simply
r And her columns,
a different angle of perception.
Not the 90-degree angle you’re
used to, nor its polar opposite, but
an angle in the midst of the spec
trum. What impresses me most
about his work is its sense of obser
vation, a silent edict that is shown,
not told. There are few more impor
tant ideas within the writing of jour
nalistic columns. And though
Jeremy is a law student, he fits the
paradigm well \yithout stretching.
For some insight, his own
“All men are frauds.
The only difference between
them is that some admit it.
over time, have been
cultured to a point at
which every word
seems sprung from a
place I have no access
to. They pop off the
page. They read effort
lessly. Fans already
know this. And if you’re
not a fan, just read
three. Go into our
archives. And then you
will be. Karen is an
acquired taste that, once
you acquire it, you’d
rather not get rid of it
I myself deny it.”
- H.L. Mencken
My biggest disappointment with
being a columnist this semester is
that hordes of screaming groupies,
eager to do my unholy bidding, did
not assemble whenever I stepped
into public view. I remain, however,
optimistic that this problem will be
remedied next semester.
This semester, I’ve written a
couple of columns each on the
things that I’m most passionate
about, including free speech, equal
rights for GLBTpeople and the
importance of critical thinking
anytime soon. Goal No. 2:1 want
Karen keeps things to be Madonna and, at
simple for to achieve the same time, make fun
her goals: of UNL at any cost.
Goal No. 1:1 want Goal No. 3:1 want
to be able to write big to make the people of
words. Words with more the world laugh, then
thdn one syllable. Words cry, and then laugh at
that are tricky. Words themselves crying. I
such as chicanery and ascertain that this will
degringolade. Even if appease my intuitive
they’ serve no contextu- gods who cry for want
al purpose to my writ- of laughter in their
ing, they sure will make souls every night when /
me look deft and mere- make dinner,
I’ve also tried columns about the
Cassie Bernall myth, the contradic
tions in Scripture and impact of
socialism on history to get people to
say, “Wow, I never thought about it
like that before."
In the coming semester, I hope to
keep making people think about
things they’ve never thought of
before. I also have a chance to do
some more experimental work,
along with my columns on various
political and social issues.
I invite feedback and criticism at
applications are still available for
head groupie and assistant groupie.
Goal No. 2:1 want
to be Madonna and, at
the same time, make fun
of UNL at any cost.
Goal No. 3:1 want
to make the people of
the world laugh, then
cry, and then laugh at
themselves crying. I
ascertain that this will
appease my intuitive
gods who cry for want
of laughter in their
souls every night when I
Paired with Jacob on Wednesdays is
Dane Stickney, who has abundant tal
ent yet untapped in this paper. He spent
time in news writing, which I have no
problem saying lives far below many of
the talented people who can reach far
beyond that medium.
How far Dane can reach remains
uncertain, as does it with all new colum
nists. But the potential for revelation is
there, and I don’t say that word lightly.
His insight might not always meet the
sunnier side of the street, nor is it intend
ed to. In his words:
I write. That’s what Ido. Day in and
day out, my life re\>olves around writing.
I’m a news-editorial and English major.
I’ve workedfor the DNas a staff writer,
assignment: diversity, and nowon news
desk and editorial board and all that.
I’ve taken writing of fiction and poetry.
So writing is what I do.
I have had a traditional problem,
however. I cannot blend the two schools
of writing I practice. One side has the
hard news angle.
The other is creative - the poetry,
the fiction, thoughts on a page. lean’t
make both blend together. With my
columns, I hope to find a way to do it.
Writing is important to me because
it is important to my family. Both of mj ’
parents are teachers, and my dad is art
English teacher of 36 years. When I was
a freshman in high school, he gave me a
maxim to live by: “Good writing reflects
So I take that thought into every
thing I write. People who read my
columns will not read about sophomoric
topics. I’m just not that way. Sam told
me to try to put the ideas behind my
poetry, which often focuses on the dark
ness and stupidity of life - into prose.
So I’m just going to make observa
tions that may have conclusions. There
probably won’t be much comedy. lean
guarantee well-written columns that
don’t waste the readers 'time -1 think
that’s an amiable goal.
Jeremy Patrick will accompany
Brian on Monday. A columnist
writer this semester, Jeremy emptied
his thoughts on, shall we say, the
eternal issues, and is prepared for
the same recourse. Clear, concise,
balanced: Jeremy’s works are not
ones for rumination. It’s a literate
simplicity he employs; far from
plain Jane, but not inaccessible.
Substance above style, but not
In our weekly meeting, Jeremy
emits the same vibe of the older,
wiser patron who has tromped
through the swamps of extremities
already. The result, as he explains it,
Uur columnist journey
ends with a newcomer,
Petaluma Watson... the sto
ries I could tell about this girl
already. In her words:
Time for a lesson.
Let’s give it a chapter des
ignation: Petaluma s tips for
being a fat girl.
Please use them.
Because guys go for two
kinds of women. Beautiful
(me). Grotesque. -■ 1 1
You are either a museum
piece (me) ora catcher’s mitt.
Most of you can t You
can’t be me, and you don’t
want to be me, unless you
want to spend most of your life
living out lies you’ve con
structed for yourself unless
you want to be unframed,
some fluid thing with her mind
and her feet in different
You do not want this. You
are bom with it anyway, like
So get fat.
Pizza. Whole milk Indian
butter. Cake. Heaping bowls
of coffee ice cream. Dairy
No Diet Pepsi. No Diet
Rite. No Healthy Choice
meals ofLasagna Roma with
only 14 percent of your daily
fat allowance. No Egg
Beaters. No fat-free mini
No sneaking four Junior
Mintsfor your mid-mid after
noon/evening mini-snack Just
eat the whole box.
And 12 ounces of cheap
peppered beef marbled. It is
especially important. Do it
Sexual consistency: Let
all cheap, useless gifts - any
gift whatsoever, whether it be
a Hershey s Miniature Krackel
bar (very fattening when con
sumed by the bag!) or a fake
Black Hills Gold bracelet - be
his toll to ride on your turn
pike. No messy exits.
Sexual contact leaves a
false sense of security; hence,
you let yourself go and get fat
ter. Additionally, there exists
scientific proof that male ejac
ulatory material congeals into
fat cells if left on the cervix
long enough without fertiliza
tion, so nix the diaphragm and
surf the risk.
Think I’m wrong? ThCre
are hundreds of sorority girls
on this campus alone with
affirming testimonials, as they
still try to wear white shorts
under a severe hail damage
warning, as their chunky
glubs peek through the leg
holes. They W had sex hun
God Bless Them. Really.
Remember, this is what
guys want. Big and soft - a
catcher s mitt, a couch. Use
whatever leather-based analo
gy you like. Or me. Use what
ever goddess-based analogy
Above all, uncute yourself.
Cute destroys like...
everything, you know? The
tyranny of the majority.
Beauty can be shared. And fat
is stored away, for no one and
everyone to see and touch.
Do not put off the
Fat is very comfortable.
You ’ll die sooner.
Hi. Iam Petaluma Watson.
My column will run on
Thursdays next year. My e
mail address is
Please send me any com
ments, criticisms or questions.
I will respond in kind.
Thanks a tonny.
returns as the editorial car
toonist. Powerful, intelli
gent and funny enough to
change die campus culture
on the basis of his draw
ings. They speak for them
^ commodity, so to speak.
It rounds out an -
Samuel McKewon is a junior political science major and thefuture Daily Nebraskan opinion editor.
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