The meaning of man
Masculinity in 21st Century is confusing
Dear God,
I know we don’t talk much. I
haven’t been to church regularly
since my parents made me years
ago, but you already knew that. You
also know that when I talk to you, I
have a pretty big problem. You see,
I’m trying to figure something out,
and for the life of me, I can’t.
Being a man in the 21st century
is so confusing. There are all sorts of
mixed messages and complexities.
First, I have read writings attributed
to your followers.
“Men are in charge of women...
Hence good women are obedient...
As for those whose rebelliousness
you fear, admonish them, banish
them from your bed and scourge
them.”
From the Koran, cited by
Kaufman in 1976, but you knew
that.
I’ve looked for an obedient wife
who relies upon me for her every
morsel of information, but I haven’t
found one. They all want to speak
and have their own ideas and theo
ries. Sometimes they even tell me
I’m wrong and get mad at me for
being too condescending or control
ling. Imagine that.
You know, God (and you know |
everything), that a few years ago I
thought I had this manhood stuff all
figured out. I had role models, but
now they’re all falling into disgrace.
They are not being gunned down
like so many rap stars. They are
dying the slow, pointless deaths of
mercenaries in a war of liberation no
one cares about.
You remember the men I idol
ized. A1 Pacino in “The Godfather
Part n,” Michael Douglas in “Wall
Street.” I vividly remember sitting in
history class as the professor
described the attitudes of the men of
ancient Sparta. How they were
aggressive, proud and arrogant.
That’s me, I thought. I’m a throw
back to an earlier age. When I act
like this, women just look at me and
say, “Take me home!”
It seems like there are places in
this world for aggressive people like
me. The business world, for exam
ple. Of course, your omnipotence
heard Benjamin Graham put forth
his two rules.
“The first rule is don’t lose. The
second rule is don't forget rule No.
1.”
Business seems to be one place
where masculinity can still rule. It’s
a winner-take-all game. Sure, busi
ness professors talk about teamwork
and whatnot, but you know
that profit is all that mat
ters. If you make a compa
ny money, they’ll keep you
around. If you cost them
money, you are gone.
But what about these
women? I mean, a
woman even runs e
Bay. Women are tak
ing on that aggres
sive attitude more
and more.
So what do
we men do,
God? I mean, do
we throw out our
fathers’ ideas of
masculinity? Do
we band together
and form frater
nities, like a
bunch of cow
ards? Instead of
individualism, are
we relegated to
strength in numbers?
I can’t do drat.
As if there wasn’t enough stress
involved with being a man these
days, my professors have another
idea about how I should treat
women: equally. Equally? I will
make a lot more money than my
future wife. I have more strength
and more aggression. And she is my
equal? Sounds scary.
These are crazy days, but if
nothing else, I live in interesting
times. Thanks for that. It seems like
there are some good things about the
traditional ideas about masculinity
along with the bad. But do I open a
door for a lady? Are there such crea
tures as ladies anymore? These are
my questions, oh Lord. I would
appreciate it if you could give me a
call, an e-mail or even a sign. Just
let me know.
Until I hear from you, I
think I’ll just keep on
doing what my daddy
taught me. I’ll pro
vide what help
she needs,
always tell
her the
-m.
truth and treat her -
like someone’s
daughter. It’s a little
vague, but I’m still learning.
Thanks for listening, God.
Please bless and keep the Huskers
through the summer. And I’ll talk to
you soon.
Neal Obermeyer/DN
Michael Donley is a senior sociology major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Skeletons in the closet
Coming out may be scary, but life-long concealment is worse
“Your silence will not protect
you.”
- Audre Lourde
I remember it with a smile now,
but at the time of course, it wasn’t very
funny.
T 1_11_j_* -_11_
x iiau uvvii ait auimu^i tu
tell my parents I was bisexual, but I
could never fmd die right opportunity.
Something like, “It’s almost 8
o’clock, we should watch ‘Seinfeld.’
I’m bisexual. That Kramer guy sure is
funny, huh?”
Just didn’t seem right
I even started leaving Advocate
magazines around the house and
watching “Will & Grace” whenever
possible, hoping they would get the
hint But my efforts were to no avail.
I finally got an opportunity when I
received a letter from the Red Cross.
They have a policy that forbids men
who have ever had sex with a man, or
women who have ever had sex with a
man who has had sex with a man,
from donating blood. This letter con
tained a notice that I was “permanent
ly deferred” because I had answered
the pre-donation questions truthfully.
My mom asked me what the letter
was about, and I knew I had my
chance. I told her, with probably more
of a tremor in my voice than I remem
ber, that I was bisexual.
“Well just... just don’t EX) that
anymore!” she said, stunned. She
started busying herself with chores
around the living room while lecturing
me about the dangers of AIDS. She
was simply positive I was going to
contract HIV
My dad, however, took the news
much better than I had expected. He
was only worried that a future career
in law or politics would be ruined if
word got around. It was, I think, too
late to worry about that I had already
been out for over a year at Chadron
State. In fact, I was one of the few
active members of the tiny
Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered
student organization.
This story ends happily; my par
ents got used to the idea pretty quick
ly, and now we can talk about it with
out any problems.
Of course, every openly queer per
son has a coming-out story. I some
times feel guilty that mine was so
painless. I’ve heard far too many that
involved a loss of friends, torment
throughout high school or being
kicked out of the house.
Some closeted queers are only
rationalizing their fears.
My grancuamer is eiaeny, ana u i
told him, he’d have a heart attack.” “I
can’t risk losing this job.” “My kids
will never speak to me again.”
Others have very realistic fears as
to what could happen if they came out.
Yet as scary and painful as coming
out may be, the alternative is far
worse: to live a life of lies and secrets,
devoid of a love you can be proud of
and share with those you care about.
Not only does staying in the closet
make you miserable, it makes tilings
worse for all GLBT people. Our abili
ty to resist oppression and discrimina
tion is directly related to our visibility.
Every time one of us hides in the
closet out of fear, we give strength to
the groups who would deny us the
right to marry, serve in the military,
adopt children or be free from dis
crimination in housing and employ
ment
Coming out aoesn t require a
newspaper announcement; the impor
tant thing is to be honest and resist the
pgsssure to conform to the heterosexu
al norm.
As Stuart Byron said, “Every time
one refrains from an act of public
affection with a lover where a straight
couple would not - in the park, on the
movie line - one dies a little.”
I remember being apprehensive
about holding hands with my
boyfriend in public for the first time. I
felt very self-conscious and constantly
thought, “Is that guy staring at us?”
“Is that girl giggling?” But as time
went on, it got easier. I rarely think
about it anymore, just like when I was
in a relationship with a woman.
Queers often speak about what it
was like when they came out. Coming
out, however, is a life-long process,
not a one-time event Every time you
meet someone for the first time and
have to introduce your partner or
when someone asks if you’re married
or if you have kids, it’s another- deci
sion on whether or not to come out
In the past 30 years, we’ve seen
tremendous progress in the GLBT
civil rights movement We owe these
victories to the courageous individuals
who were willing to risk anything by
As painful as
coming out may
be, the
alternative is far
worse: a life of
lies and secrets,
devoid of a love
you can be proud
of and share.
fighting for equality in the face of a
hostile and often violent public.
However, full equality and accept
ance will come only when every
GLBT person is open and visible;
when every demagogue and homo
phobe has to deal with a queer brother,
sister, child or best friend; when no
one can say they don’t know any gay
people.
If you’re not out yet, it’s time to
take the first step. Do it for those who
came before. Do it for those who will
come after. But ultimately, do it for
yourself. You’ll be glad you did.
Jeremy Patrick is a first year law student and a Daily Nebraskan columnist
