Fantasy Island
Columnist creates own pleasant utopia after reading More’s novel
After reading Thomas More’s
“Utopia,” I decided to do some rapid
editing and shifting of his fundamen
tal ideas to suit and form my own per
sonal utopia.
I’m going to call my land
“Eukarenia,” which in Greek means
“the joint of pleasure and substance”
(with joint referring to a place, not
weed).
I just feel disgruntled at the world
around me sometimes - hence my
need for dramatic change in America
(or wherever you want
Eukarenia to be).
Ah, America, where
spelling doesn’t matter,
pets do. OK, so I stole that
from “Kids in the Hall,”
but I will reward KITH in
my world.
There’s a lot of things I
need to change, and
because we didn’t listen Jo
More when he presented
his manifesto to cure the
world’s ulcers, it’s time to
listen to me.
Rule #1: There is no
abortion, and there is no
death penalty. This is a
simple rule which
Americans can’t seem to
get straight So many peo
ple love to find 101 justifi
cations for the death penal
ty; then they turn around
and hold signs on Friday
mornings outside of
Planned Parenthood, con
demning abortion.
There will be workers
(human condom dis
pensers, if you will)
humanely apportioning, well, tree
condoms and other forms of birth
control. Therefore, there can be no
excuse for an unwanted “bun in the
oven.” However, as mistakes do hap
pen, the unwanted children will be
kept as slaves (aka farmers).
Rule #2: The only men in
Eukarenia will be kept in cages.
Men are dirty animals and should
be treated as such. They will be let out
once a day to “graze” and use the out
house. Once a week, they will have
the opportunity to play Ultimate
Frisbee for three hours to compete
with the men’s Ultimate team at UNL
(which is virtually unstoppable).
Injury will result in execution.
Oh wait, there is no death penalty
in my world All right, the injured *4
will be nursed to health and then M
kept as slaves. Also, to Jtk
Karen Brown is a senior English and film studies major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist
appease some ot the more bestial
females in Eukarenia, the men will be
let out on holidays and Friday nights
to sex up the women.
Rule #3: Lotion and Chapstick
Nazis will be on their guard 24
hours a day. As we all know (or just
I), lotion and Chapstick are addictive.
I don’t really mind addictions, but
these two items are too devastating.
Ask around, I bet nine of 10 females
have a tube of Chapstick in their pock
et.
The women who use it and then
try to cut themselves off will find their
lips chapped after 10 minutes of absti
nence. It’s the same way with lotion,
except it doesn’t chap; it makes your
skin super amphibious and mooshy, so
^ when you try to feel things, it doesn’t
work. Those who can’t fight the
addiction will be made into slaves - or
wrestlers, depending on their height
and build.
Rule #4: There will be a giant
TV playing nothing but “Kids in the
Hall,” “The State” and “Mr. Show”
24 hours a day. ’NufF said.
Rule #§: One thing that will be
cherished in Eukarenia is the art of
penmanship. Screw e-mail, let’s
bring back the old-school style and
form of communication that has
seemed to work for quite some time.
Everything that’s anything will be
written by hand. There will be spelling
and writing classes every other day to
try to remember what if feels like to
hold a pen.
Rule #6: Religion. There will be
24 religions in
Eukarema, with one hour every
other day devoted to each of the
designated sects. Atheists have the
off days. If your religion is not on the
list, you will be coined a slave, but
you can submit a 400-page novel (in
your most beautiful penmanship) stat
ing why you think your religion
should be noticed. Also, one should
include another 400-page novel slan
dering the religion you want booted
out.
Rule #7: All citizens will plant a
tree on their birthdays. This is the
best form of partying that I can think
of and besides, those who partake in
alcohol on their birthday will be
turned into slaves. Trees are more
compatible and understanding than
are most human beings, so why not
grow them with abundance. They’ll
let you climb their boughs as long as
you kill the weaker ones first
for their paper-making abili
ties.
Rule #8: There will be
absolutely no partaking in
any act that is in any way
related to the use or pro
duction of sweat pants and
oversized sweat shirts. This
is perhaps the most important
and strongly upheld belief in
Eukarenia. It is the belief that
sweats in any form are
“trashy and inefficient.” It is
paramount that this rule not
be disregarded as a mere
“inconvenience” to the cultur
al trend at large. Anyone
caught in sweat pants or over
sized sweat shirts will be
turned into slaves (i.e., work
ing in Kathy Lee Gifford’s
“sweat” shop).
So there you have it.
That’s my utopia. For fur
ther rules and regulations into
my world, you’ll have to buy
the book.
After all, if Thomas More
could sell the crap out of his
fantasy, why can’t I?
Body and brains
Misconceptions of student athletes result from false stereotypes
The portrayal of student athletes at
die University of Nebraska-Lincoln
has left many student athletes feeling
misunderstood
Stereotypes and conceptions about
athletes are often false; the reality of
student athletes is often hidden.
This has led to a lack) of interaction
between student athletes and the stu
dent body, which has caused a kind of
segregation between these two distinc
tive groups on this campus.
As a student athlete, I fully under
stand the responsibilities and the reali
ty of being an athlete at this university.
Nebraska has one of the leading
athletic programs in the nation, which
is why students like myself have trav
eled from overseas to pursue an athlet
ic career here. The success of the pro
gram has brought millions of dollars
into the university.
Nebraska Athletic Director Bill
Byrne recently said, “Our athletic and
academic staff takes great pride in
helping Huskers achieve recognition
as national leaders in the classroom,
community and in the athletic arena.”
I asked some people recently
about the misconceptions fee student
body has toward student athletes, and
this is what I discovered.
1. Athletes have no worries.
Athletes are given a free educa
tion, free clothing and they are entitled
to use fee best facilities in the school
(e.g. academic support, fee state-of
the-art strength training room and an
exclusive training table to eat at). But
believe me, being a student athlete is
not that easy. In feet, it is perhaps fee
hardest thing to do, juggling both
schoohvork and athletics.
Imagine training for a sport every
day of the week, sometimes twice a
day for up to four hours.
Athletes have to make sacriffSfcs if
they are to be successful, such as lim
iting their social life and following a
strict diet and health pattern.
During competition, student ath
letes are forced to complete their
schoolwork ahead of time. Therefore,
it is vital for student athletes to possess
good time-management and organiza
tion skills.
2. Athletes are not smart
We all know there are a few ath
letes who couldn’t care less about their
academics. However, the Husker aca
demic facts are very impressive,
which illustrates how hard athletes
work in and outside fee classroom.
Students must maintain a minimum
2.0 GPA to be eligible to participate in
a sport
I get very upset when I hear stu
dents tell me that athletes are dumb
jocks and that it doesn’t take too much
to be a student athlete because tutors
“take care” of the work. Tutors are
simply available to those who need
assistance.
3. Athletes don’t graduate.
Most college dropouts are not ath
letes.
According to the athletic depart
ment, 86 percent of scholarship ath
letes who have completed their aca
demic eligibility have graduated from
Nebraska. In fall 1998 and spring
1999 semesters, 69 Nebraska student
athletes earned a perfect 4.0 GPA.
That same year 532 student ath
letes were recognized by the Big 12
Commissioners Honor Roll for main
taining a 3.0 GPA or higher.
Nebraska leads the nation with 13
recipients of tire NCAA Today’s Top
Eight Awards - given to outstanding
student athletes based on athletics,
academics and community involve
ment.
Nebraska also leads the nation and
holds foe NCAA record of 162
Academic All-Americans. This award
is given to the most prominent student
athletes in the country who have main
tained a perfect 4.0 GPA and also have
earned recognition at the national
championships. Fifty-five of those
have been awarded to football players.
Nebraska student athletes set the stan
dard when it comes to college gradua
tion.
4. Athletes are very lazy.
There is evidence to support that
student athletes are among the most
actively involved individuals on cam
pus. In 1999, the Nebraska program
was one of seven schools in the nation
to receive the Life Skills Program of
Excellence award.
Student athletes generously work
with the local community and speak to
students at school. The School is Cool
Jam reaches 100,000 youths annually.
The NU Student Athlete Advisory
Board is considered one of the best
student leadership organizations on
campus and within the NCAA.
5. Athletes are different.
In reality athletes are different
Certainly they are treated differently.
They are given perks that other stu
dents are not given. Why do student
athletes have their own exclusive train
ing table, weight room, medical and
training center? This is simply because
they are among the best of the best
athletes in the nation and, therefore,
they need separate facilities.
Is this fair to the rest of the student
body? No. But don’t blame athletes.
Blame the Athletic Department. Its
administrators are the ones who treat
athletes differently by singling them
out and providing these facilities to
make them successful.
On the face of it, athletes are just
like any other student in essence. The
label “student athlete” is what sepa
rates them from the rest of the student
body. The Athletic Department
attempts to make life easier for ath
letes by providing advisers, counselors
and mentors.
It’s all a business to them; the
administrators are primarily con
cerned about making money for the
school.
Solutions toward breaking the
misconceptions can be instituted. One
of the ways to break the stereotypes of
student athletes is by simply getting to
know£ student athlete. Understand the
reality of being a student athlete and
what it involves.
Another way to create more inter
action between athletes and students is
to have a Student Athlete Day, where
students can basically live “a day in
die life of Husker athlete.”
This would be a fantastic way to
break the misconceptions. Students
will be welcome to practice with ath
letes, eat with them, attend meetings
and join in the rest of the fim things
addetesdo.
Students will then discover just
how difficult it is to be a student ath
lete at UNL, and this will eliminate
stereotypes.
Lesley Owusu is a junior broadcasting major and a Daity Nebraskan columnist