Tarts&Asoertainment “ts
^ (402)472-1756
Boy band members shock world
with news of secret erotic relations
By Booms
Staff slut
Teenage girls around the globe shuttered
today as members of the Backstreet Boys
and ‘N Sync revealed that they are actually
secret lovers.
Justin Timberlake, of the band ‘N Sync,
and Nick Carter, of the Backstreet Boys,
revealed their “dirty secret” on the popular
afternoon television program “MTV Total
Request Live” hosted by fellow teen dream
Carson Daly. (The one who used to go out
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.)
Backstreet Boys members Nick,( Howie
D., AJ, Brian and Kevin all stood somberly
together wearing matching suede vests and
phat white sneaks while Daly openly gaped
as the floor of the sweet MTV studios locat
ed in Times Square became wet with pre
pubescent tears from the live studio audi
ence.
/\na 10 ininx mat just moments ago,
everyone was grooving to the No. 3 video,
Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff.”
‘N Sync members Justin, JC, Lance,
Joey and Chris, clad in matching sparkly sil
ver suits (the ones the group just recently
wore on the super-kool cover of “Teen
Beat”) also stood somberly, each seeming to
know that the resounding lyrics of their new
hit “Bye Bye Bye” were about to come true.
Justin, formerly known as the heartthrob
of ‘N Sync, with his cherub-like halo of curly
blonde hair and wide, blue eyes (swoon!!!!!),
said he decided, after consulting his super
cute boyfriend, to make his sexual prefer
ences known on “TRL” because it was some
thing many of his fans are interested in.
“I’ve been watching myself being chased
by this beautiful woman in our vide<4 which
has been number one on ‘TRL’ for, like, 50
weeks or something and I just can’t take it
any more,” Justin said. “Especially when in
real life I’d much rather be chased by Nick
(of the Backstreets.).”
Justin also revealed on “TRL” that his
hair is not in fact naturally curly, but is a
perm.
Daly, who seemed a bit uncomfortable in
the presence of the newly outed former teen
heartthrobs, seemed at a loss for words.
“So, well, uh,” Daly said, “Why don’t we
take this down to the street where we have
our second runner-up of the ‘Wanna be a VJ
Contest’ Dave Holmes ready to rock and
roll.”
Holmes, who was at the time of the
announcement, surrounded by girls on the
street holding signs reading things such as
“Do me oh yea JC!” and “Take me from the
BACKstreets!” really had the first hand word
on the streets.
Jenny Bigbangs, 14, from Brooklyn,
N.Y., expressed distress at the fact that her
two favorite singers, Justin from ‘N Sync and
Nick, from the Backstreet Boys, were in real
ity swooning over one another.
i mean, n wouia oe uiv n tney were
both swooning over me, and, like, wanted to
have a threesome or something. But the fact
that they want to ... DO IT with one another,
like, totally makes me want to take down all
my posters of them and take their new CD to <
the trading place. Whatever,” Bigbangs said,
as she dropped her glitter-covered sign read
ing “I’m BUSTIN for JUSTIN,” onto the lit
ter-filled pavement.
After the final two videos on the TRL
countdown ran - the Backstreet Boys’
“Show Me The Meaning (Of Being Lonely)”
and ‘N Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye,” the channel
went back to its regularly scheduled pro
gramming.
At a later press conference sponsored by
MTV, Nick said he was confident the Boys
would hold on to their fan base, especially
now that he is openly gay.
“Hey, look at Ricky Martin,” he said.
The boy bands’ story is reportedly being
considered as a possible plot line on the
MTV sex-drama “Undressed.”
^ I’ve been watching
myself being chased
by this beautiful
woman in our video
which has been
number one on “TRL”
for, like, 50 weeks or
something and I just
can ’t take it any
more.”
Justin Timberlake
'N Sync
Thefollounng is a brieflist of events this
weekend. For more information, contact
the venue.
CONCERTS:
Duffy s Tavern, 1412 O St.
(402) 474-3543
Sunday: Phallic Fishbowl
“Straw” Fest
Duggan s Pub, 440 S. 11th St.
(420) 477-3513
Friday and Saturday: Motorhead
-
Knickerbocker s, 9010 St.
■ (402) 476-6865
Friday: Shittiband
Satuiday: Harmless Hessians and
the Hairsprays
Newman Methodist, 2242 R St.
(402) 477-7899
\Friday: Ministry
Saturday: Meat Beat Manifesto
Royal Grove, 340 W Comhusker
Highway
(402) 474-2332
Friday: Chicken Fried Steak and a
Lap Dance: $4.99
Saturday: The Jerky Boys
***» 4 * v i~
THEATER:
r *' \ : Brass Rail, 1436 OSt.
(402) 474-5741
Friday: Reception for being
: m Voted Hustler’s Worst College
> mkzc-i v Bar to Get Laid In
Saturday: Pig Fest
Iguana s, 1426 O St.
(402) 476-8850
Friday and Saturday: Slightly
Overweight Sorority Girls Drink
Themselves Pretty
Lied Center for Performing Arts,
301N. 12th St.
(402) 472-4747
Friday: Ballet de Booty with
music by 2 Live Crew
Saturday: Off Broadway
Performance of Madonna’s
“Erotica”
Lincoln Community Playhouse,
2500 S. 56th St.
(402) 489-7529
Friday: “Mime Death Match”
Saturday: Junior Actors League:
“Dr. Suess and Charles
Bukowski, A Meeting of the
Minds”
Mary Riepma Ross Film Theater,
12th and R streets
(402)472-2461
Friday and Saturday: Foreign
Films that Make You Question
Your Sexuality
Sunday: Nudie Movies with
Subtitles
GALLERIES:
Haydon Gallery, 335 N. Eighth St
(402) 475-5421
All weekend: More Plains Art
Noyes Gallery, 119 S. Ninth St.
(402)475-1061
All weekend: More Plains Art
The Sheldon Memorial Art
Gallery, 12th and R streets
(402) 472-2461
All weekend: “Bring Pens,”
“Stand Too Close to the Art” and
“Book Bags Welcome”
MISCELLANEOUS:
Daily Nebraskan, Room 20,
Nebraska Union
(402)472-2588
All weekend: Evil snickers dur
ing discussions of how we can
iniprove upon our political
favoritism and other underhand
ed conspiracies
Lincoln Journal Star, 926 P St.
(402)473-7300
Friday: Take a Heroine Addict to
Work Day
UNL graduate is the ‘bad’
in Badazz, does dad proud
By Styles from “Teen WolP
What are you looking at dicknose?
For most students at UNL, operating a bait and
tackle shop two miles from Memphis Lake would be
a dream come true.
But for Dale “Double D” Davis there were bigger
fish to fry.
He wanted to sell guns.
The 32-year-old self
employed entrepreneur
graduated trom the
University of Nebraska
Lincoln with a general
studies degree two years
* ago and joined the work
iorce. it wasn t long oetore
he realized there was
something lacking.
“Well, I got the bait
and tackle shop ‘cause my
Double D sister got herself pregnated
and couldn’t lift the 5-gal
lon buckets of ice anymore,” he said, itching some
thing near his eye. “And it was really great for a while,
I got to listen to the radio and shit, but you know, I
don’t like dealing with the type of people who come
into bait shops, you know, uppity types.”
So he gave it all up. Packed his clothes, tapes and
boom box into the dodge hatchback his cousin traded
him for a pair of stretch denim jeans and headed into
the great unknown - back to Lincoln.
This time, however, Double D was armed.
“Well, I wrote me up one of them resumes,” he
said, pronouncing it “ree-zoooms.” “Boy, that thing
made a big difference. Used to be I’d go to a place and
they’d take one look at my feathered hair and Dusty
Springfield shirt and send me packin’. Now I show
them my resume and I aint thrown out so quick.
“Best part about it is the respect I get now, it’s like
I’m saying to the world, ‘luck me? No, fuck you! ’”
It wasn’t long before Double D was behind the =
counter of BadAzz Pawn Shop, 11* and D streets,
selling weapons he had so many times considered
turning upon himself. It was quite an accomplish
ment and all of Double D’s family were very proud.
“Who the fuck is Double D?” said his estranged
father.
Never one to be selfish, Double D decided to
share his resume writing gift with the rest of the world
and has been offering seminars in Taco Bell parking
lots and UPC-sponsored events ever since. He’ll be
featured in this spring’s UNL Job Prom and said that
along the way he’s developed a formula for the perfect
resume.
‘Say you ve got a van,” said Double D, looking as
serious as he did when he actually had a heart attack.
“I mean, I’ll put that sumbitchin’ Dodge up to any
fuckin’ van anyway, I’ll blow the doors off anything.
For some reason though, having a van is kind like of a
symbol of like, you know, sophistication, so just say
you’ve got one.”
He pulled out his resume, which was scrawled
with a crayon on a crumbled Burger King napkin
housed inside his Velcro Rude Dog wallet, and start
ed listing some of the things he felt got him the job.
“For experience I knew they’d want someone who
sold shit before, so I put about how I used to sell shot
guns and crystal meth at Dirk’s house,” he said, now
curiously scratching his inner thighs. “Then I thought
about how not just any dumbass can sell guns, so I’d
better show how I’m smart, so I just put that I’m
smart.”
Finally Double D said the finishing touch on the
resume had to showcase his personal skill.
“I think that, like, if I was going to hire somebody,
which hopefully soon I’ll have my own gun business,
I’d want to see an example of their ability to do stuff,
so I put about how I can take a huge hit from a gravi
ty bong and then burp pot smoke and say the lyrics to
‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin,’ by Warrent, all at the same
time,” he said. “I mean, if that doesn’t get ‘em, like, I
wouldn’t wanna work for that pussy anyway.”
When BadAzz Pawn Shop was contacted for
comment by the Daily Halfasskan, they didn’t know
who the fuck Double D was either.
