Cigs, brews to get ‘smart’ locks
■ Clinton says measure will help
protect those whose smokes are
being bummed too much.
By Mike Wallace
Tobacco reporter
WASHINGTON - Following the lead of Smith
& Wesson, the tobacco and alcohol industries
announced plans to include safety locks and devel
op “smarted’ products.
This announcement folloWed Smith &
Wesson’s agreement March 17 with the govern
ment to include safety locks on its guns and devel
op “smart technology,”
Phillip Morris, one of America’s laigest makers
of cigarettes and owner of Miller Brewing, has
announced it will begin putting safety locks on cans
and bottles of beer.
The brands affected will be some of the compa
ny’s more popular brands initially. However, Miller
expects to put the locks on all of their brands with
in two years. Some of these brands are Miller
Genuine Draft, Miller Lite, and High Life, and
High Life variations such as High Life Light.
Phillip Morris expects within the next five
years it will be able to use “smart technology” on its
beer and cigarettes as well.
The safety locks are expected to be much like a
key device that would be attached to the bottle or
cigarette so it cannot be opened or lit without the
owner and the key.
The new “smarter” products would only be able
to be used by their rightful owners. If someone’s
beer or cigarette is knocked out of his hands it will
be made inoperable in the hands of another person.
President Clinton said in a press conference that
he believes this is a major step in protecting
America’s youth, and people who don’t like giving
away beers and smokes to those bumming.
“I know when I would snake a few butts from
my mom’s pack, there were no safety locks or
‘smart technology’ to protect me,” Clinton said. “I
know if there were safety locks on momma’s booze
in the ice box, I would have kept my nose outta
trouble, especially with the neighborhood girls. Yee
haw! Boy we used to get so blitzed sometimes that
The president was quickly cut off by his advi
sors. Senatorial candidate and current first lady
Hillary Clinton had no comment on the president’s
comments.
Tom and Greg Byelick, who share what they
call “a party house” in south Lincoln seemed to be
disturbed by the tobacco and alcohol companies
'
Tom Foolery/DH
PRESIDENT CLINTON shows the standard six pack from the White House cooler, while he discuss
es the new safety locks and “smart technology” to be placed on cigarettes and beer. Clinton also
lit up a butt saying, *1 might as well smoke ‘em while I’ve got ‘em.”
“bending over” for the feds.
“It’s totally bogus,” Greg said. “I mean, when
you get 300 or400 people packed into our house on
a Friday night, people are going to want to bum
beers, and they can’t because it has a friggin’
‘smart’ thing in it that only allows the person who
bought it to drink it.”
“The next thing you know, they’re going to do
this to kegs so I’ll have to run the tap the whole night
because I bought it, instead of hitting on the fresh
man and stuff. Then they’ll want to put the locks on
keg cups, and we’ll be totally out of business.”
Tom had the same displeasure.
“Then with our rotten luck, some boozer is
going to drive to the Quickie Mart hammered off of
his ass to buy a pack of smokes, because he can’t
smoke his girlfriend’s because of this lock... thing,
and some ‘smart technology,’” Tom said. “Our dog
Whiskey isn’t even going to be able to have some
beers anymore.”
Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel was also opposed
to the “new deal” struck by Clinton and his cran
nies.
“I think all Americans should have the right to
drink anybody’s beers they want, or smoke any
body’s butts,” Hagel said. “I mean, this is just silly.”
In a press release, Brown & Williamson, mak
ers off “Kool” cigarettes, also shown interest in the
safety-lock idea, as well as the “smart” technology.
Surgeon General David Satcher stated in a
press conference that this is an exciting new
development.
“The tobacco and alcohol giants have struck
a deal with us that was too good to be true,”
Satchel said. “The only problem is we won’t be
able to sue the pants off of them anymore, and
roll in their dirty money when we win.”
Another Lincoln resident, Nick Stark, said
he’s had enough with the compromises big busi
ness makes with government.
“I can’t believe that ‘Kool’ is going to go for
this deal too,” Stark said. “It’s like, Kool’s won’t
be cool anymore. I’m going to have to go back to
Lucky Strikes, because Lucky Strikes are
sweet!”
Johanns gives props
to hip-hopgroup TLC
By Doug
FromMlYs “The State”
In an “unprecedented move
Thursday, Gov. Mike Johanns
vowed to veto any bill that would
damage the image of the hip-hop
bandTLC.
“I don’t want no scrubz messin’
wit my homegirls,” Johanns said,
sporting a pair of glasses with a con
dom covering his left eye like the
TLC member Left Eye.
Johanns said he is tired of sena
tors such as Ernie Chambers of
Omaha “dissing” his favorite band.
“Ernie stands up there and talks
about how ‘Crazy, Sexy, Cool’ isn’t
the best album he’s ever heard,”
Johanns said. “Pm sick of him mak
ing radical statements just to get his
name in the paper.”
Chambers told, the D?ilv
Halfasskan that Johanns is just
being close-minded by not listening
to artists like Lit’ Kim and Da Brat.
“There’s some serious rap talent
that Gov. Johanns is avoiding,” he
said. “That new Da Brat song is
Dhat.”
When asked why he liked TLC
so much, Johanns hoisted up his
baggy pants and said: “They have a
positive message, ya know. They
sing about chasing waterfalls and
practicing safe sex. Do you see p>eo
ple like Lil’ Kim and Da Brat doing
thatstufi? I don’t think so.”
^Ohapns then launched into a
barrage TLC lyrics.
“So I creep, yeah. Just keep it on
U Ernie stands
up there and
talks about how
‘Crazy, Sexy,
Cool ’ isn’t the /
best album he s
ever heard.”
Gov. Mike Johanns
wack-ass TLC fan
the downlow ‘cause nobody is sup
posed to know” he sang.
The event turned serious when
Johanns urged senators to pursue a
bill that would provide funding to
set up a sickle-cell anemia fund for
Nebraskans. The idea was inspired
by TLC member T-Boz, who has
suffered from the disease all her
life.
“When I saw that ‘Behind the
Music’ episode on VH1 where she
was all cryin’ ‘cause it hurt too bad,
I was illin’, man. Straight out illin’,”
Johanns said.
The governor said he wanted to
make sure senators took his plea
seriously.
“Just remember, you scrubz
ain’t gonna get no love from me if
you keepdissin’ TLC,” he said. “Or
I may just be hangin’ out the passen
ger side of my best friend’s ride hol
lerin’ at yo’ ass.”
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Police censure
Arkansas men
■ Though unconvicted
and unaccused of any
Lincoln crime, man gets
labeled as threatening.
By the boy who cried wolf
Staff Writer
Law enforcement authorities
say men from Arkansas are dan
gerous.
Billy Ray Sanford III, 20, of
Arkansas, has been convicted of
nothing nor arrested for anything
in Lincoln, but still poses a threat,
said Lincoln Police Capt. David
Beggs.
He may or may not be coming
to Lincoln, Beggs said.
“Well, you never can trust
those guys from Arkansas,” Beggs
said.
Poster-size fliers have been
hung around campus warning stu
dents about Sanford after Lincoln
Police contacted University offi
cials to caution students.
University Police Assistant
Capt. Mylo Bushing said students
should not approach any man who
appears to look like he might be
from Arkansas, or anyone wearing
a dirty wife-beater and holding a
six-pack of cheap beer.
“I’ve heard this guy goes from
campus to campus and talks to
people in public places,” Bushing
said. “I’ve been informed that he’s
trying to make friends.”
Scott Lewis, University of
Nebraska interim vice chancellor
for business and finance, who
should logically have nothing to
do with warning students, said the
fliers do not make Sanford look
guilty before he has been convict
ed of anything.
“We really don’t have a con
crete reason to display Sanford’s
mug shot all over campus - well
other than saving our asses from
liability if something actually
happened to a student,” Lewis
said.
aiso we just aon t nice tne
guy,” Lewis said. “We don’t want
anyone else to either.”
Bushing said students should
be on the lookout for a medium
build man with stringy brown hair
and a missing front tooth. He is
known to wear jeans with a tobac
co-tin ring worn out of the back
pocket.
Sanford has been seen driving
a late 1970s Chevrolet truck with
a confederate flag and gun rack in
the rear window.
“If students smell even the
faintest smell of catfish, they are
advised to turn and run like hell,”
Beggs said.
— LEGISLATURE —
Makers of
crappy col
oring books
ask for raise
■ Measure would have
boosted employees’ salaries
by $8.33 per month.
By Lorraine McFly
From-the-future correspondent
Despite an extensive lobbying effort
by the Crayola company and state Kmart
manufacturers, members of the
Legislature shot down a bill Monday that
would have given the makers of coloring
books a raise.
LB 1433 would have increased the
salary of coloring-book makers across
the state by more than $ 100.
According to a report by the National
Colorers Association, Nebraska color
ing-book makers currently rank 47th in
the nation when it comes to salary.
That is why the raise is needed, Kmart
retailers say.
“We definitely feel that this problem
is real, growing and needs to be
addressed with money,” said Burn T.
Amber, state manager of the Kmart
chain.
Instead of the pay raise, senators
voted to pass a bill that would create a
task force to study the issue.
The task force would be made up of
various representatives from the color
ing-book industry, including illustrators
of the Pokemon and Teletubbies series of
coloring books.
Four-year-old Ashley Spaghetti said
Teletubbie books were her favorite to
scribble in.
“I like to color Po red,” Spaghetti said.
When asked if the people who make
the pictures of Po for her to color should
be paid more money, Spaghetti said she
liked to color Po red.
“I like to color Po red,” Spaghetti said.
Sen. Marian Price of Lincoln said she
could not vote for the bill to increase the
pay of coloring-book makers until there
was a plan.
She said she was worried the makers *
of crappy coloring books might receive
undeserved money.
“There has to be a plan on who will
receive the money and how it will be dis
tributed,” she said. “I have difficulty
rewarding someone who draws pictures
of that damn purple dinosaur the same as
someone who deliberates daily over a
quality character like Blue from Blues
Clues.”
race said sne was partial to tne detec
tive cartoon dog because the theme song
is “just so catchy.”
Crayola General Manager Yell O.
Brown said he was distraught with the
Legislature’s decision.
“Our artists work very hard for the
children of this state,” Brown said, his
voice cracking. “We deserve more
money. It’s a cruel, cruel world.”
Sen. Ardyce Bohlke of Hastings said
she introduced the bill because she was
sick and tired of listening to;the people
from Kmart.
“They bang on my door when I’m
home,” she said. “They call me in the
middle of the night. I just can’t take any
more of it. We need to do something
about this. Give them what they want!”
Despite Bohlke’s pleas, most senators
sided with Price, and optedifor the salary
study.
Brown said he hoped his illustrators
would see a pay raise soomlf not, the pro
fession and the state’s children would suf
fer, he said.
“We need to pay our coloring-book
makers more,” Brown said. “There are
lots of needs, I know, but there never
seems to be enough money for the
needs.”
“Those salaries have got to comeup if
we’re going to keep qualified colorers in
our state.”
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