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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2000)
Cigs, brews to get ‘smart’ locks ■ Clinton says measure will help protect those whose smokes are being bummed too much. By Mike Wallace Tobacco reporter WASHINGTON - Following the lead of Smith & Wesson, the tobacco and alcohol industries announced plans to include safety locks and devel op “smarted’ products. This announcement folloWed Smith & Wesson’s agreement March 17 with the govern ment to include safety locks on its guns and devel op “smart technology,” Phillip Morris, one of America’s laigest makers of cigarettes and owner of Miller Brewing, has announced it will begin putting safety locks on cans and bottles of beer. The brands affected will be some of the compa ny’s more popular brands initially. However, Miller expects to put the locks on all of their brands with in two years. Some of these brands are Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Lite, and High Life, and High Life variations such as High Life Light. Phillip Morris expects within the next five years it will be able to use “smart technology” on its beer and cigarettes as well. The safety locks are expected to be much like a key device that would be attached to the bottle or cigarette so it cannot be opened or lit without the owner and the key. The new “smarter” products would only be able to be used by their rightful owners. If someone’s beer or cigarette is knocked out of his hands it will be made inoperable in the hands of another person. President Clinton said in a press conference that he believes this is a major step in protecting America’s youth, and people who don’t like giving away beers and smokes to those bumming. “I know when I would snake a few butts from my mom’s pack, there were no safety locks or ‘smart technology’ to protect me,” Clinton said. “I know if there were safety locks on momma’s booze in the ice box, I would have kept my nose outta trouble, especially with the neighborhood girls. Yee haw! Boy we used to get so blitzed sometimes that The president was quickly cut off by his advi sors. Senatorial candidate and current first lady Hillary Clinton had no comment on the president’s comments. Tom and Greg Byelick, who share what they call “a party house” in south Lincoln seemed to be disturbed by the tobacco and alcohol companies ' Tom Foolery/DH PRESIDENT CLINTON shows the standard six pack from the White House cooler, while he discuss es the new safety locks and “smart technology” to be placed on cigarettes and beer. Clinton also lit up a butt saying, *1 might as well smoke ‘em while I’ve got ‘em.” “bending over” for the feds. “It’s totally bogus,” Greg said. “I mean, when you get 300 or400 people packed into our house on a Friday night, people are going to want to bum beers, and they can’t because it has a friggin’ ‘smart’ thing in it that only allows the person who bought it to drink it.” “The next thing you know, they’re going to do this to kegs so I’ll have to run the tap the whole night because I bought it, instead of hitting on the fresh man and stuff. Then they’ll want to put the locks on keg cups, and we’ll be totally out of business.” Tom had the same displeasure. “Then with our rotten luck, some boozer is going to drive to the Quickie Mart hammered off of his ass to buy a pack of smokes, because he can’t smoke his girlfriend’s because of this lock... thing, and some ‘smart technology,’” Tom said. “Our dog Whiskey isn’t even going to be able to have some beers anymore.” Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel was also opposed to the “new deal” struck by Clinton and his cran nies. “I think all Americans should have the right to drink anybody’s beers they want, or smoke any body’s butts,” Hagel said. “I mean, this is just silly.” In a press release, Brown & Williamson, mak ers off “Kool” cigarettes, also shown interest in the safety-lock idea, as well as the “smart” technology. Surgeon General David Satcher stated in a press conference that this is an exciting new development. “The tobacco and alcohol giants have struck a deal with us that was too good to be true,” Satchel said. “The only problem is we won’t be able to sue the pants off of them anymore, and roll in their dirty money when we win.” Another Lincoln resident, Nick Stark, said he’s had enough with the compromises big busi ness makes with government. “I can’t believe that ‘Kool’ is going to go for this deal too,” Stark said. “It’s like, Kool’s won’t be cool anymore. I’m going to have to go back to Lucky Strikes, because Lucky Strikes are sweet!” Johanns gives props to hip-hopgroup TLC By Doug FromMlYs “The State” In an “unprecedented move Thursday, Gov. Mike Johanns vowed to veto any bill that would damage the image of the hip-hop bandTLC. “I don’t want no scrubz messin’ wit my homegirls,” Johanns said, sporting a pair of glasses with a con dom covering his left eye like the TLC member Left Eye. Johanns said he is tired of sena tors such as Ernie Chambers of Omaha “dissing” his favorite band. “Ernie stands up there and talks about how ‘Crazy, Sexy, Cool’ isn’t the best album he’s ever heard,” Johanns said. “Pm sick of him mak ing radical statements just to get his name in the paper.” Chambers told, the D?ilv Halfasskan that Johanns is just being close-minded by not listening to artists like Lit’ Kim and Da Brat. “There’s some serious rap talent that Gov. Johanns is avoiding,” he said. “That new Da Brat song is Dhat.” When asked why he liked TLC so much, Johanns hoisted up his baggy pants and said: “They have a positive message, ya know. They sing about chasing waterfalls and practicing safe sex. Do you see p>eo ple like Lil’ Kim and Da Brat doing thatstufi? I don’t think so.” ^Ohapns then launched into a barrage TLC lyrics. “So I creep, yeah. Just keep it on U Ernie stands up there and talks about how ‘Crazy, Sexy, Cool ’ isn’t the / best album he s ever heard.” Gov. Mike Johanns wack-ass TLC fan the downlow ‘cause nobody is sup posed to know” he sang. The event turned serious when Johanns urged senators to pursue a bill that would provide funding to set up a sickle-cell anemia fund for Nebraskans. The idea was inspired by TLC member T-Boz, who has suffered from the disease all her life. “When I saw that ‘Behind the Music’ episode on VH1 where she was all cryin’ ‘cause it hurt too bad, I was illin’, man. Straight out illin’,” Johanns said. The governor said he wanted to make sure senators took his plea seriously. “Just remember, you scrubz ain’t gonna get no love from me if you keepdissin’ TLC,” he said. “Or I may just be hangin’ out the passen ger side of my best friend’s ride hol lerin’ at yo’ ass.” » ’-c1* 4 *-ft.' t 'Jt- __ ,;,k *J n nu Pin.iijjmii i j . „ - u i||i„,p» ii q “Ljp • r-v4 *1* iK' Police censure Arkansas men ■ Though unconvicted and unaccused of any Lincoln crime, man gets labeled as threatening. By the boy who cried wolf Staff Writer Law enforcement authorities say men from Arkansas are dan gerous. Billy Ray Sanford III, 20, of Arkansas, has been convicted of nothing nor arrested for anything in Lincoln, but still poses a threat, said Lincoln Police Capt. David Beggs. He may or may not be coming to Lincoln, Beggs said. “Well, you never can trust those guys from Arkansas,” Beggs said. Poster-size fliers have been hung around campus warning stu dents about Sanford after Lincoln Police contacted University offi cials to caution students. University Police Assistant Capt. Mylo Bushing said students should not approach any man who appears to look like he might be from Arkansas, or anyone wearing a dirty wife-beater and holding a six-pack of cheap beer. “I’ve heard this guy goes from campus to campus and talks to people in public places,” Bushing said. “I’ve been informed that he’s trying to make friends.” Scott Lewis, University of Nebraska interim vice chancellor for business and finance, who should logically have nothing to do with warning students, said the fliers do not make Sanford look guilty before he has been convict ed of anything. “We really don’t have a con crete reason to display Sanford’s mug shot all over campus - well other than saving our asses from liability if something actually happened to a student,” Lewis said. aiso we just aon t nice tne guy,” Lewis said. “We don’t want anyone else to either.” Bushing said students should be on the lookout for a medium build man with stringy brown hair and a missing front tooth. He is known to wear jeans with a tobac co-tin ring worn out of the back pocket. Sanford has been seen driving a late 1970s Chevrolet truck with a confederate flag and gun rack in the rear window. “If students smell even the faintest smell of catfish, they are advised to turn and run like hell,” Beggs said. — LEGISLATURE — Makers of crappy col oring books ask for raise ■ Measure would have boosted employees’ salaries by $8.33 per month. By Lorraine McFly From-the-future correspondent Despite an extensive lobbying effort by the Crayola company and state Kmart manufacturers, members of the Legislature shot down a bill Monday that would have given the makers of coloring books a raise. LB 1433 would have increased the salary of coloring-book makers across the state by more than $ 100. According to a report by the National Colorers Association, Nebraska color ing-book makers currently rank 47th in the nation when it comes to salary. That is why the raise is needed, Kmart retailers say. “We definitely feel that this problem is real, growing and needs to be addressed with money,” said Burn T. Amber, state manager of the Kmart chain. Instead of the pay raise, senators voted to pass a bill that would create a task force to study the issue. The task force would be made up of various representatives from the color ing-book industry, including illustrators of the Pokemon and Teletubbies series of coloring books. Four-year-old Ashley Spaghetti said Teletubbie books were her favorite to scribble in. “I like to color Po red,” Spaghetti said. When asked if the people who make the pictures of Po for her to color should be paid more money, Spaghetti said she liked to color Po red. “I like to color Po red,” Spaghetti said. Sen. Marian Price of Lincoln said she could not vote for the bill to increase the pay of coloring-book makers until there was a plan. She said she was worried the makers * of crappy coloring books might receive undeserved money. “There has to be a plan on who will receive the money and how it will be dis tributed,” she said. “I have difficulty rewarding someone who draws pictures of that damn purple dinosaur the same as someone who deliberates daily over a quality character like Blue from Blues Clues.” race said sne was partial to tne detec tive cartoon dog because the theme song is “just so catchy.” Crayola General Manager Yell O. Brown said he was distraught with the Legislature’s decision. “Our artists work very hard for the children of this state,” Brown said, his voice cracking. “We deserve more money. It’s a cruel, cruel world.” Sen. Ardyce Bohlke of Hastings said she introduced the bill because she was sick and tired of listening to;the people from Kmart. “They bang on my door when I’m home,” she said. “They call me in the middle of the night. I just can’t take any more of it. We need to do something about this. Give them what they want!” Despite Bohlke’s pleas, most senators sided with Price, and optedifor the salary study. Brown said he hoped his illustrators would see a pay raise soomlf not, the pro fession and the state’s children would suf fer, he said. “We need to pay our coloring-book makers more,” Brown said. “There are lots of needs, I know, but there never seems to be enough money for the needs.” “Those salaries have got to comeup if we’re going to keep qualified colorers in our state.” •• ■'vi vy V ',•*?‘ ' ■ ‘ V ,'j. . ="'i i .!