Scientists:
‘The Good
life’ is over
Students really pissed off
From staff reports
With spring comes fun, flowers and, yes, Daylight
Saving Time, but in the new millennium, some scientists
believe more light may come at a potentially deadly
price.
And we have Ronald Reagan and the GOP to thank
for it.
Scientists believe this latest three-letter crisis, DST,
which stands for Daylight Saving Time, will make the
horrors ofY2K pale by comparison.
“In layman’s terms, you can’t expect to alter the vari
ables and preserve the experiment,” said Uwell
Moentmann, assistant professor of physical ecology and
natural density at UNL. Moentmann spearheads a uni
versity team studying the DST problem.
“Our leaders may have thought Daylight Saving
Time needed a boost, byit the time has now arrived when
we wonder if tampering with time is wise.”
In 1967 Congress passed the Uniform Time Act,
proclaiming that all U.S. states observe Daylight Saving
Time starting at 2 A.M. on the last Sunday in April and
ending at 2 A.M. on the last Sunday in October.
In 1987 the Reagan administration moved the start
of DST up to the first Sunday in April without changing
the ending in October. Thus, Moentmann said, DST lasts
one month longer.
This could mean the end of the “good life” for
Nebraskans, according to some scientists.
“A change in the eliptic that would constitute the
addition or subtraction of a full mean solar month would
change life as we know it on our planet,” said team
member Travis Martinez, UNL professor of statistical
history. “Arid wastelands like Arizona have the poten
tial, given the proper climactic shift, to become green
paradises, while places like Nebraska could go the other
way.”
DST team member William Tangent, professor of
ecological studies, noted, “An increasingly larger and
larger percentage of the Republican elite are moving to
Arizona, where DST is not observed.
“This isn’t seagulls or spotted owls we’re talking
about here; it’s time itself.”
Martinez suggested why the OOP leadership tam
pered with time.
“Maybe Reagan realized the possibilities, and decid
ed the pain wasn’t trickling down fast enough on all
those peace freaks that made us look bad in Vietnam,”
Martinez said. “This form of radical yet patient revenge
smacks of conspiracy.”
Failed GOP presidential candidate, senator from
Arizona and son of Irish immigrants John McCain com
mented that “these Clinton-style politics and the liberal
press have undermined the sanctity of an established
American institution in this country.
“This is another example of the low road perpetuat
ed by soft money in the leadership of both parties.”
The DST problem could have an effect on the aver
age American citizen as well.
“Let me explain it in layman’s terms to you,” said Dr.
Arnice Seally, UNL professor of biodiversity. “DST
may be Y2K with a bite, and it could have far-reaching
consequences, including the end of life on this planet.
Many Americans could face serious reductions in their
standards of living. Even social security may be threat
ened.”
UNMC conducts research with
bodies of murdered children
RESEARCH from page 1
compounds the tragedy if we don’t at least
get some use out of them.
“I believe this is ethical,” Cohentropp
continued. “Now, if we were buying these
puppies, it’d be one thing. But we get them
free through Dr. Larry Cutthroat, so that
wipes us clean of any moral turpitude.”
Members of the University of No
Learning’s Board of Rejects, who voted 7-0
to continue the research, agreed with
Goebbelman and Cohentropp.
“It would be a tragedy to stop this
research before we have the opportunity to
develop alternative sources of tissue,” said
Reject Chuck Ass-Brooks. “The research
has the potential to save millions of lives
without causing additional child murders.
“The Legislature should stay out of the
rejects’ business,” Ass-Brooks added. “For
we, the rejects, are omniscient. We descend
ed to earth as deities made flesh, and our
moral judgments are always correct and
beyond reproach.”
Reject Bobby “Fog” Alan agreed.
“It’s unfortunate the Legislature is doing
what they are doing,” said “Fog” Alan, nick
named for his foggy thinking style. “They
don’t realize the quality of the research being
done.
“The legislators are listening to people
who are making this an emotional issue,”
Alan continued. “The anti-child abuse
groups are filled with inaccurate comments.
They want to force you to agree with them,
but that’s not the way we work in this coun
try.”
Alan said he does not think the
Legislature should be involved with a univer
sity decision.
“I guarantee the Legislature in Massa
liberal-chusetts is not telling Hahhhvard
what tissue to use,” he said. “And you get this
straight: These kids are not human beings.
They are just tissue. Anyone who tries to tell
you differently is forcing his opinion on
you.”
When he was reminded that Hahhhvard
is a private university - unlike UNMC,
which is a taxpayer-supported public institu
tion - Alan remained belligerent.
“Medical progress must come at any
cost,” he snarled.
Association of Non-Understanding
Students President Randy Cocksure-Mann,
who sponsored a bill requiring ANUS to
lobby in favor of the research, said he was
disappointed some state senators wanted to
ban the use of tissue from murdered children.
He said it was imperative that the issue
not be “politicized.”
x m opposed 10 cmia aouse - truly i
am,” said Cocksure-Mann, elected in a 20
vote landslide last year. “But what in the holy
hell has child abuse got to do with this
research?
“The only reason this research has
become political is because of people’s
inability to separate it from the politics of
child abuse,” he said. “'You’d have to be pret
ty damn dense to think there’s any connec
tion. Nevertheless, some people have noted
that I did not contact anti-child abuse groups
to get their opinions.
“But I do not believe this issue involves
child abuse or child murder,” Cocksure
Mann said. “I believe it involves academic
freedom and the necessity for this important
research to continue. Therefore, why would I
contact groups that advocate a position that
has nothing to do with those two items?
“In other words, why would I contact a
bunch of unenlightened morons?”
Pressed to further explain his contention
that child abuse and the research are not
related, Cocksure-Mann rolled his eyes*
“I understand not everyone here at the
U We descended to
earth as deities made
flesh, and our moral
judgments are
always correct.”
Chuck Ass-Brooks
NU Reject
University of No Learning is on my intellec
tual plane,” he said. “But any college-educat
ed person ought to know that the morality of
one event is never connected to the morality
of another event.
“So, just do like Alice in Wonderland,”
Cocksure-Mann continued. “Just concen
trate-real hard, and pretend there’s no con
nection. Pretty soon - poof - it’s gone. You
can make it go away! All it takes is a little
mental discipline, really.
“But if I have to spell it out for you, it’s
like this:
“A: This research is absolutely necessary.
“B: Murdered children are absolutely
necessary for this research.
“C: But that could never, ever, ever, make
child abuse more palatable or give the pro
child abuse lobby an argument for making
child murder legal.”
The debate seems certain to heat up. But
Goebbelman issued a warning that he said
should “strike fear in the hearts of citizens.”
“If you take away my livelihood, I’m
outta here,” he said. “I’ll go somewhere
where the people aren’t such a bunch of
ignorant rednecks.
“I’ll go somewhere where people recog
nize quality research when they see it.”
— NEWS BRIEFS —
Local Sunday school looks
to 'mix things up abit’
Kidz Ministry, which teaches
45 children in regular Sunday
school fashion is looking to “mix
things up a bit” according to its
director Cindy Williams of the St.
Thomas Aquinas Church.
Sunday school services will
be moved to Thursday nights, and
classes will be taught in the cafe
teria instead of the regular class
room in the back of the church.
Bible reading will be replaced
with a self-help selection for the
children, including the more pop
ular “Internet for Dummies.”
Local woman cited for
'shaking her booty’
Dancers “getting their groove
on” at a local bar got out of hand
Thursday night, Lincoln Police
said.
Janice Thomas was cited by
police while dancing at Club
1427,1427 O Street
Authorities say Thomas, 23,
was doing the “foiftidden dance”
- that’s right, the Lambada. She
was doing the “forbidden dance”
in plain view, and it was more
than most could handle.
After the Lambada, Thomas
apparently “Backed that Thing
Up,” according to onlookers.
Thomas said she was guilty of
“backing her thing up, but
Thomas denies dancing the “for
bidden dance.”
Alzheimer’s patients don’t
remember the disease
Ninety-four percent of all
Alzheimer’s patients reported
they couldn’t remember when
they got the vicious disease,
according to a report published in
the American Journal of
Medicine on Tuesday.
Another 97 percent reported
that they couldn’t remember hav
ing the disease, and 91 percenl
did not remember where they
parked their cars when they came
to the study group.
Fifty-four percent of patients
claimed to play magic harps
while rabbits beat goats in a game
of backwards checkers.
Girl sells soul to devil
for piece of cheese
While playing out in her
lawn, 9-year-old Lisa Munch had
her space invaded by the Devil.
She described the Devil as
“about 5 feet 9 inches tall with
large, reddish horns and nice
biceps.”
Munch said the Devil rose out
of her lawn and offered her
immortality in exchange for her
soul.
“I know a lot of little kids who
rue the day they sold their souls
for immortality,” Munch said. “I
just went for the gut instinct.”
When investigators investi
gated further, they found that
Munch had traded her soul for
“cheese.” Puzzled, the investiga
tors inquired what kind of
cheese?
“If you ask me that, I’d have to
kill you,” she said.
Student leaders hate
attending hate event
Former ANUS president
Andy Schuerman and incoming
ANUS president Joel Schafer
joined an event that was planned
to bring awareness of hatred on
campus last week.
Schuerman said he was sick
of doing “stupid stuff like this”
and couldn’t wait for his term to
be over so he didn’t have to do
“stupid stuff like this” anymore.
Schaefer said he “hated” the
idea of having to go to an event
that was designed to stop hate on
campus and hated the idea of hav
ing to do it before his term started.
Compiled by our staff for
your enjoyment. Read respon
sibly.
Honors program plans to hire
whores to increase recruitment
SEX from page 1__
ing whores.”
Current honor students have a
badge that they must wear at all times
to show they qualify for some serious
lovin’. Non-badge wearers - non-hon
ors students - gots to pay to play.
Moeser said he will stop at nothing to
make sure non-honors students don’t
get near the honey pots.
“Honor students keep it clean,”
Moeser said. “None of that rough
stuff.”
Of course, football players will be
allowed to score some flesh, Athletic
Director Bill Byrne said. Once basket
ball becomes a revenue sport again,
they get their ho privileges, too. '
“But not until then,” Byrne said.
The students themselves are joyous
over the plan. Last week, they received
a full menu of ejaculatory choices as
well as a questionnaire asking for pref
erences.
On Tim Coolman’s floor in
Neihardt Residence Center, the selec
tion was unquestionably of a erotic,
Southeast-Asian flavor.
“Oh, it relaxes the tension of a day,”
Coolman said while “Angie” thundered
away at his wicked, wicked rod with her
long, lustful thrusts. “It takes away that
need to blow your load off on a
Playboy.”
Coolman’s favorite, he said was
“Finger Fridays” when the floor got
together after dinners and had a group
exploration of the g-spot.
“Very educational,” Coolman said.
“Any woman I have in the future, she
will feel my force in her loins.”
Squirrels
launch attack
ATTACKS from page 1
Ariyoruk said. “He had some of those pop
ular carpenter pants, which is really why I
noticed him, because those pants make you
look like you’ve got a great ass.”
Ariyoruk went on to mention that the
squirrel was wearing a “super-fly” North
Face jacket, bullet-proof Oakley sunglass
es, and was sitting in a cool, placid manner
in the back of the room.,
She didn’t discover the squirrel’s true
identity until the professor mentioned that
the Industrial Revolution in Europe
destroyed nature and killed a lot of animals.
Then the squirrel became enraged,
threw off his disguise, and began making a
shrill series of clicks and chirping sounds
with paws in the air before skittering out of
the room, to die dismay of the entire class.
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