The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, April 01, 2000, Daily Halfasskan, Image 1

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    Dead Head
_ m ^ m _ Former basketball coach Danny Nee
^ m m W > meets an untimely demise.
^ ^ JL Jj^ Teen-age of the world languish
in anguish as boy band stars reveal
Saturday, April 1,2000 Vol 99, Issue ? their gay status, a&e, page 4
UNMC research uses murdered children
Let’s be realistic. If
we don’t use these
kids in research,
they ’re just going to
end up 6 feet under.”
Dr. Samuel Cohentropp
UNMC research director
By Buffalo Bill Cody
© 2000Daily Halfasskan
Officials at the University’s No Morality
Center announced yesterday that since 1993 they
have conducted research using tissue from chil
dren who are murdered by their parents.
The UNMC officials told the Daily
Halfasskan that the research, designed to pursue
a cure for leprosy, uses tissue from children up to
age 6. Although children who die of natural caus
es also may be used, victims of abuse work better
because they have bruised tissue, the officials
“Frankly, the research is more effective if the
kids have been roughed up a bit,” said Dr.
Howard Goebbelman, a UNMC researcher.
Officials said the corpses are donated to Dr.
Larry Cutthroat, a pediatrician, by the parents
accused of murder. Cutthroat, a UNMC faculty
member, then allows the corpses to be used in
“Who else would we get them from?”
Goebbelman said.
The revelation of the UNMC research was
met with outrage by groups working to end child
abuse. Several members of the Legislature said
they would support legislation banning the use of
murdered children in research.
But Dr. Samuel Cohentropp, director of the
UNMC research, urged citizens not to rush to
Cohentropp said UNMC would search for
alternative sources of tissue to quell the contro
versy. Until then, he said, citizens should deal
with it.
“First of all, this research in no way encour
ages child abuse or the murder of one’s children,”
he said. “No parent is going to kill their kid just so
it can be used in research.
“Secondly, let’s be realistic,” Cohentropp
said. “If we don’t use these kids in research,
they’re just going to end up 6 feet under. It just
Please see RESEARCH on 2
Sharon “Nature Girl” Kolbet/DH
RICKY THE SQUIRREL, pictured here with his union placards, is believed to be the ring leader behind a series of brutal attacks in
recent weeks. The Squirrels On the Loose group is trying to oust the rabbits and obtain control of the campus.
Squirrels launch nasty campus attacks
■ University Health
Center inundated with
rodents’ victims.
By Rocky the squirrel
From the Rocky and Bulwinkle
University Police and
administrators remain baffled by
a recent series of brutal squirrel
attacks that have many students
afraid to walk to class.
Over the past three weeks, 72
percent of the University Health
Center’s patients have been
squirrel attack victims.
Zoology expert and UNL
biology professor Brent Nickol
said the attacks may be part of
the regionalist struggle between
competing rabbit and squirrel
populations to establish domi
nance on campus.
Administrators fear the
attacks may cause plummeting
morale as well as leaving nasty
bite marks and potential rabies
University of Nebraska
Lincoln Chancellor James
Moeser said he was surprised
but emphasized that students
should fry to understand the con
cerns of other campus groups,
even squirrels.
“I would not have surmised
that nntp -fiirrv rnivc u/prp
I would not have surmised that
these cute, furry guys were so
James Moeser
UNL chancellor
so militant,” Moeser said, “but
we need to consider everyone’s
University Police Sgt. Mylo
Bushing said that the squirrels
have organized a militant union
called Squirrels On the Loose.
The group is led by a squirrel
named Ricky, who ran an unsuc
cessful write-in campaign for
ASUN president last spring.
Some squirrels have been
seen demonstrating on campus
with signs, but they seem to rely
on guerrilla warfare to make
their agenda heard.
“We had a whole platoon of
them cornered last week, but
then the squirrely bastards dis
appeared into the trees,”
Bushing said.
The squirrels attack both the
mental and physical health of
students with a trance-inducing
stare before pouncing.
As passersby notice the
“adorable little fur balls”
munching on an acorn, the squir
rel uses a hypnotic stare fol
lowed by a rhythmic patting of
the tail to put die naive victim in
a trance.
Then, in what appears to be
an orchestrated attack, scores of
other squirrels leap from the
nearby bushes and begin gnaw
ing at the unwary student’s toes
while others poop on the stu
dent’s hair from fortified posi
tions in the trees above.
Ayca Ariyoruk, an interna
tional affairs and political sci
ence student believes this is the
most likely explanation after
seeing a cunningly disguised
squirrel posing as a student in
her European Political Processes
“At first, I’ll have to admit, I
was a bit fooled by the little guy,”
Please see ATTACKS on 2
From staff reports
The University of Nebraska-Lincoln and J-Love
Bitches Brigade have signed an agreement that may
propel UNL into academia’s top-tier status.
Men in the UNL Honors Program, along with the
suite-style rooms and financial assistance, will now
have access to dirty whores just asking for it,
Chancellor James Moeser announced Thursday.
“We see this as the most direct route to competing
with the Ivy League,” Moeser said. “We have the one
thing that no one else can offer.”
Moeser said his staff came up with idea when
pouring over the dismal Honors Program dropout
numbers. Too many young men were sexually frus
trated, Moeser said, and spent far too much time on
the Internet and watching Cinemax for pornography
to masturbate with.
“We decided there was too much pressure there,”
Moeser said, “and today’s pom just isn’t living up to
our boys’ creative demands. So if the boys want a
quickie, they can get that, and get back to work. It’s
also a hell of an incentive to stay in the program.”
Young women, Moeser said, weren’t the focus of
the agenda. Half of them were “as frigid as the North
Pole” Moeser said, the other half were lesbians.
“I don’t know what we’re gonna do about the
girls,” Moeser said. “Especially the lesbians.”
There will be four whores to a floor, Moeser said,
on call 24 hours a day. And because bitches don’t need
no lovin’ anyway, the whores all will live in the same
l hat s how they like it, said Keggie Kazeek lal
Ij Raman, otherwise known as “J-Love”, pimp of the
Brigade. “Bitches is as bitches does.”
Raman sees the agreement as a major opportunity
to diversify business in the Lincoln area, he said.
Already, plans are in the works to buy a new Gran
Torino, this one without white-wall tires. Raman also
said he’s developing a logo, which had three Rs and a
woman’s breast right in middle.
“We see this as us getting respect,” he said,
“which, you know, we gots now. But this is, you know,
high class and shit.”
High class could describe a ticket to the Honors
Program, which is gaining raves around the country
for its originality. UNL already has received transfer
requests from the finest schools.
“Sex sells,” Moeser said.
Originally, the plan was met with some resistance,
as Lincoln has a city ordinance against sexual touch
ing in strip bars.
“Well, that’s strippers,” Moeser said. “We’re talk
Please see SEX on 2