The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, February 18, 2000, Page 5, Image 5
Guest VIEW Big Brother arrives Who needs a mind with corporate sponsorship? January 2001 (Lincoln) - Vice Chancellor for Business ami Finance Jim Main announced today an exclu sive contract with Schlotzsky’s Deli for provision of university lunches and dinners. The contract would pro vide that all meals with visiting speakers, vendors and interviewees would be held at Schlotzsky’s, who would undertake to host all such events for a fixed fee of $5 per guest. “We spend an incredible amount of time each year deciding where to eat, making reservations and process ing reimbursements,” said Main. “It’s time to put this on a centralized foot ing.” In response to faculty criticism that Schlotzsky’s does not have the variety of food that other restaurants provide, Main noted that as part of the contract, Schlotzsky’s had guaranteed to add a selection of Thai, Indian and Mexican dishes. I “Sure, some people are change averse, but once they try Schlotzsky’s Kiolbasa Refrito in Chili Sauce, Knockwurst with Bamboo Shoots and Ginger Coleslaw Curry with Basmati Rice, they’ll realize how much time they wasted dining at other restau rants.” inu ^resident uenms bmitn s office released the statement: “Centralizing our lunch and dinner provision will greatly improve the efficiency of our operations and give the state taxpayer a better bang for their buck.” Asked to comment on the deal, Regent Chuck Hassebrook said: “Centralizing our lunch and dinner provision will greatly improve the efficiency of our operations and give the state taxpayer a better bang for their buck.” Ultimately, Smith said, the univer sity would like to centralize all uni versity dining - official and non-offi cial. 1 “If we take the decision about where and what to eat out of the hands of the faculty and staff, they’ll have more time to spend on the uni versity missions of teaching, service and... er... that third thing.” March 2003 (Lincoln) - University Vice President for Business, Finance, Research and Teaching Jim Main today announced the university had signed an exclusive contract with Academic Press for all university publishing. Until now, fac ulty had dealt with a large number of different publishers, with a host of different arrangements for publishing costs, royalties, etc. “It’s a mess,” he said “We spend too much time worrying about where and how we’ll publish, and not enough time on content.” From now on, all faculty manu scripts will be submitted to a central university office, which will work with Academic Press to choose an appropriate journal or book form. In turn, all library materials will be pur chased from Academic Press. “In the rare instances where facul ty request a non-AP journal or book, a the vice president’s office will consult I with AP to see if they can negotiate a I subcontract with the second publish- ' er. We don’t believe that this will be required much, though.” President’s Smith lauded the new deal. “We spend too much time as a university worried about process, and not enough time on product. This will allow us to focus on the important matters.” Asked to comment, Regent Don Blank said, “We spend too much time as a university worried about process, and not enough time on product. This will allow us to focus on the impor tant matters.” July 2004 (Lincoln) - University Uber-Kommisar for Everything Jim Main, in a joint press conference with vice chancellor for that third thing Marsha Torr, announced today that the university had reached an exclu sive contract with the Department of Agriculture for provision of all exter nal funding. “Until now,” Torr said, “university faculty have submitted grants to an unbelievable number of different agencies - NSF, NIH, DoD, NEA, yadda, yadda, yadda. We spend a large part of our time writing grants and dealing with the separate require nti Hi ments of the individual funding agen cies.” Now the need to write proposals would be completely eliminated, and every faculty member will receive a fixed amount each year to carry out research. “Free from the burden of writing proposals, we will have so much more time to spend on the really important stuff,” she said. Main added that although the Department of Agriculture had little experience handling research in areas like physics, medicine or the humani ties, they would be adding new staffers to deal with these fields. “Fields are something the Department of Agriculture under stands,” he noted. “It only makes iS r m sense for a land-grant university to work exclusively with DoA. I mean, we do have the 35th-ranked ag school in theentire country.” Regent Charles Wilson, asked to comment, said, “It only makes sense for a land-grant university to work exclusively with DoA. I mean we do have the 35th-ranked ag school in the entire country.” July 2006 (Lincoln) - A report from Supreme High Commander of All University Operations (Praise him!) Jim Main’s office said that morale among UNLs three remaining tenured and tenure-track faculty had never been higher, since all non-mission-oriented operations had been taken over by the university administration. Fifty-two-year-old Assistant HSffiwHflsSScwP* io^^wsSP'' - v Scott Eastman/DN Professor of actuarial science Andy Roid said, “I love it. At other universi ties you have to worry about making a million tiny decisions every day - what time to set your alarm, what color tie to wear, what to have for breakfast - it’s nerve-racking. “Here at UNL, the office of the sub-associate vice chancellor for scheduling delivers my wake-up call, chooses my clothes and even delivers my breakfast for me to my assigned seat af the university cafeteria. Until now, all this stuff was a huge burden on my mom.” Professor of literature Ima Subby added breathlessly, “I think it’s kinda exciting.” None of UNL’s 2994 adjunct fac ulty could be reached for comment, most citing fear for their jobs. Gerry Harbison is a professor of chemistry and a Daily Nebraskan guest columnist. Puritanical America Sex and swear words have long tradition “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for a government of any other.” - John Adams “The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous doc ument for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic peo ple, they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that’s what’s been happening.” - Pat Robertson, 700 Club There has been much discussion in recent years about the depraved state of American society. Almost every facet of modem life has been Mamed for this at one time or another, including promiscuous sex among young adults, females’ swearing in public with impunity and the destruction of family values by “Pulp Fiction” and Marilyn Manson. Religious leaders, politicians and other upstanding citizens are furious about the recent collapse of society, and with good reason. I mean, no rea son. How quickly the past is forgotten or, perhaps, ignored. The social “ills” that some predict will bring the down fall of America and our values have existed since the first society formed eons ago. The fact is, America’s past is quite sordid. Since the days of the Revolution, we have been a very sexualized coun try. The stereotypically demure Puritans had a practice known as “bundling” or “tarrying” (Fischer, “Albion’s Seed” ). This custom allowed a courting couple to climb into bed together to test compatibility. If both parties woe satisfied, they were married immediately. If not, they parted ways, frequently forever. Unless, of course, the woman left the experience feeling the warm glow of expectancy, in which case they wed. This was the case nearly one-third of die time. Bundling was so casually regarded by the last quarter of the 18th century that it “was but a courtesy” for a young man to ask the young lady of the house if she cared to retire with him (Bryson, “Made in America”). Within the next 50 years, official public attitude took a decidedly conser vative turn. Any word containing the scandalous syllable “cock” or “tit” was altered, so that words such as titbit, cockroach and cockerel became tidbit, roach and rooster. However as Bill Bryson writes in “Made in America,” “In perhaps no other time in history was sex so ram pantly repressed but so widely avail able.” In 1870, New York alone was esti mated to have over 620 brothels! I’m sure you’ve all heard the campaign promise of one brutally honest politi cian of that time and place: “I guaran tee a chicken in every pot, and three or four.” And our generation is doing a very fine job of desensitizing society to many fine words. Many of our most “improper” words have actually been around for centuries. The f-word probably origi nated from the Latin “futuo,” the French “foutre,” or the German “fick en,” all of which have the same signifi cance (Montagu, “The Anatomy of Swearing”). Just as fads come and go, the words considered worst by society have changed dramatically over time. In the Shakespearean period, such lively phrases as “I am the rankest cow that ever pissed,” “kiss my blind cheeks” and “stap my vitals” were prompting Spanish Inquisitors to roam the coun tryside of England and persecute actors and theatergoers in the name of propri ety. (Bryson, “The Mother Tongue”). Actually to their credit, those oaths are much more interesting than what I hear floating around campus today. But as Americans, we aren’t flowed to be that creative, so we stick to good old tactlessness. It’s the American Way. As we all well know, swearing leads to violence. And violence leads to the breakdown of society and the per secution of old ladies and their small dogs. It’s just part of the vicious sex swearing-violence triangle everyone learns of in grade school. So, as those whores on jackanapes in Hollywood have increased the amount of sex, cursing and violence in films, maniacs across die country have been emulating their every move. Violence in America actually didn’t exist until one Hollywood-type, Warren Beatty, invented it for a Democratic fund-raiser in 1978. Just look it up in a dictionary. Of course, you won’t find anything about it in there, because the liberal media controls dictionaries. Violence is a problem; there is no arguing that. I would contend, though, that America’s condition is not deterio rating because of movie violence. I’ll be glad to let my children see any movie they want. It absolutely has to be better than having a conversation like this: “Pappa, can me and Billy go watch the mob lynch a Negro? They think he might have looked at some white lady.” “OK, but you boys keep out of trouble. And don’t stay out too late; remember, we have church tomorrow.” Quentin Tarantino may not be spreading a message of love, but at least he isn’t lynching “Negroes.” Students of the past will tell you that there is always a lesson to learn from history. I’ve taken that advice. I’ve concluded that Marilyn Manson is a smaller danger to America than a court-supported Ku Klux Klan. I’ve learned that I am my grandpa’s favorite grandchild because he has “never heard me swear.” And I’ve decided that I should ask that cute blonde to tarry tonight, because it’s tradition! Chris Gustafson is a sophomore agricultural economics major and Lucas Stock is a freshman English major. They are Daily Nebraskan columnists.