“For who can think Submission?
Warr then, Wan
Open or understood, must be
resolv’d.”
-Milton, “Paradise Lost”
I hate it when the good guys
always win.
Such a thought struck me the
other night while watching Kevin
Smith’s “Dogma,” a movie about two
fallen angels’ attempt to re-enter
heaven through a loophole in
Catholic teachings.
Although their success would
have caused the end of existence, my
companion and I both had the same
reaction after the movie ended with
God smiting the fallen angels and
making everything magically a|l bet
ter.
We both wished the bad guys had
WJLJI1.
In a general sense, I find myself
rooting for the bad guys for a variety
of reasons. For one thing, good guys
are often bland and boring compared
to their evil antagonists.
Who would Luke Skywalker be
without Darth Vader? Who would
read Sherlock Holmes if not for Dr.
Moriarty?
I even feel sorry for some of the
bad guys. After all, the Penguin can
only get pummeled by Batman and
Robin so many times before you start
feeling sorry for the poor bastard.
Sometimes, if only for the sake of
originality, the bad guys should win.
But my desire for the fallen angels
to succeed in “Dogma” was based on
something else: They deserved to
succeed.
There’s a crucial scene in the
movie where the two fallen angels,
This is number two in the series,
“How to do important things.” The
first installment was called, “How to
earn respect with your free time.” It
was ambiguous, rowdy and prone to
error. It seems that I broke a few)
grammatical common laws in a very
unapologetic fashion.
To remedy myself this time
around, I used several literary
resources and crafted some good
advice. “How to...” is now concise,
straight-to-the-point and very steady,
as well as proper. There is no underly
ing meaning. I will just tell you how
to do important things.
By turning on die television at any
given time, you can view vivid
images of unrest, revolt and rebellion
- looting and pillaging, a village in
flames, people in tears. Why does
everyone caught on camera seem to
be sad?
They wanted to start the uprising,
that’s why. Someone didn’t let them in
on the joke. You don’t have to be a
poop! C’mon! Get yourself involved!
Lucifer’s courage
Jell s angel demonstrated courage rather than foolish pride
Loki and Bartleby, are arguing about
whether they should even attempt to
re-enter heaven if it means facing
God’s wrath. Loki says “Do you know
who you remind me of? The Morning
Star. You’re following in the footsteps
of Lucifer, and you saw what hap
pened to him!”
We’ve all heard the biblical story
of Lucifer. Once the most respected
of angels, he craved power for him
self and incited a rebellion in heaven
before being defeated and banished
4._i:*:_
IU X llv IX UU1UV/U
al, Judeo-Christian
spin on this story is
that it’s a parable on
the dangers of foolish
pride, a lesson on
what happens to those
who disobey God.
But I see it differ
ently.
Imagine coming
into existence in a
world where you have
no choices, where
your every move is
decided in advance,
where your destiny is
to obey a despotic
ruler, and the slight
est deviation from his
laws results in torture
and death.
Imagine coming
into existence in a
world where your
every move is
observed, your every
word is monitored
and your very
thoughts are scruti
nized.
Lucifer didn’t
rebel because of
pride. He rebelled
because of tyranny.
Although he
lived in an eternal
paradise and had
everything anyone
could ever desire,
one thing was miss
ing: freedom. And
without freedom, all
oi ms supposed joys oecame a con
stant, painful reminder of his captivi
ty
So Lucifer decided to fight back,
and one-third of his brethren flocked
to his side. One-third! Clearly Lucifei
wasn’t the only angel to chafe undei
the chains of God’s enslavement.
Of course, Lucifer wasn’t insane.
He knew his chances of success were
slim at best, and that the conse
quences of failure were the harshesl
we can imagine - an eternity in hell. It
was worm it to mm, tnougn, mis des
perate lunge for freedom. I wish we
all had this trait - Lucifer’s courage.
All of heaven was embroiled in
this war between the oppressed and
the oppressor. Eventually Lucifer
lost, and he was banished to hell with
all of his rebellious allies.
But he didn’t stop fighting. Much
as Prometheus was chained to a
mountainside for daring to introduce
fire to man, Lucifer convinced Eve to
eat the apple from the Tree of
Knowledge.
Some say he seduced her into sin.
I think he showed her that she, too,
was free and could rebel against
God’s tyranny. And according to the
“good book,” because of Eve, we all
have this option.
Lucifer never existed, of course,
no more than Jesus or Zeus. The story
of a demi-god rebelling against his
fellows is not original to Christianity.
But I know that if he had existed,
Lucifer and I would have the same
' outlook on life. To quote Milton:
“Better to reign in Hell than
I-Cb^ serve in Heaven.”
Jeremy Patrick is a first-year law student and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
We’re not gonna take it
Starting an uprising can be easy, just follow these steps
jusi wnat does it take to initiate a
moderately severe moment of panic?
Your brain and some donkey blood,
that’s all. Just don’t be afraid to be an
innovator - there’s always more than
one way to do something.
Take a minute to evaluate your
unbridled characterattributes. Are
you passive? No! Are you an activist?
Yes! Are you conscientious of others?
Maybe. But you can get around that.
(I’ll go into greater detail later in
“How to appear robust.”)
But how can you act with just
your little pathetic self? It’s like going
up against an army of Stoli-fueled
Russians!
The secret to a thorough insurrec
tion lies in the establishment of a dili
gent, like-minded committee. Your
team members may hold invaluable
information about politics and social
annoyances. Don’t Mock the influx of
unique ideas. Have your meetings in a
well-aerated, well-lit, idea-friendly
environment (try drawing happy don
keys cm the wall.)
Choose a concept that will cause a
ruckus (fore example, a rabies-infect
ed donkey collective). Flesh out the
idea into something tangible and
headline-worthy. You may need to
write a manifesto in order to do this.
(1*11 go into greater depth later in
“How to be a dictator.”)
Once you pare that platform down
into a few key points, make a giant
sign and many, many individual fliers.
Put one of those points in large letters
Justin Groteluschen is a senii
on a l-shirt that you yourseli can wear
and conceal that shirt with a coat.
Now you’re ready to leave the fort and
make things happen!
Find a large crowd of people
standing next to a semi-busy roadway.
Rush hour is an opportune time, or, if
you are next to a campus, the end of a
class period. Motorize your entire
committee, and possibly several dum
founded lackeys, while you personal
ly start the reaction.
Grab your Target-style mega
phone and prepare to wreak havoc.
Try this statement for starters: “The
blood of the satanic donkey will stain
yourflesh.” (You may refer to your
manifesto when speaking.) Scream
more obscenities at the tippy-top of
your lungs. Exaggerate gestures.
Jump up and down. Wear crazy head
gear, like a hat out of which you can
drink lukewarm domestic beer.
While you begin to turn heads
with your speech, have your commit
tee pass out the fliers in a systematic
fashion.
White the people are busy looking
at the fliers, the lackeys will set up
small, discrete roadblocks, thereby
trapping drivers in your makeshift
web. Barbed wire and yellow stream
ers strung across die road can be
: effective. You don’t have anything that
could officially be categorized as a
roadblock? Try debris that has fallen
out of the sky (meteors, SCUD mis
sile casings, broken satellites, big
buzzard carcasses or donkey corpses).
r agriculture journalism major t
People are in their cars, and they
can’t move. Donkey corpses are in the
way. By pissing off the motor vehicle
community, you have disrupted a
large number of people who other
wise would have driven right by you
with their stereos cranked. Channel
that road rage energy into something
productive. Motorists will roll down
their windows to see what the heck
the problemls. Now you have their
attention as well. Now you’re cooking
with gas.
Take your coat off and get com
fortable. Have your committee ges
ture toward the shirt you have made,
which might say "The donkeys will
eat you,” and have them use those
words to start a chant. Attempt to get
the crowd to scream the words you
have written on your shirt Some peo
ple will catch on and start chanting;
others will look for cover at this point.
Just make sure your committee keeps
everyone within the circle. (Try using
electric cattle prods to do this.)
Remember to ignore aU pleas for
sanity. Sanity is counteractive to your
goal. (FI! touch on tint later in, “How
.to prevent your brain from decay
ing”)
After everyone is worked up, start
a chain of physical abuse. (In other
words, push the person next to you.)
Everyone will start pushing each
other. You and your committee are
now all screaming irrational ideas at
the top of your lungs, and everyone is
just getting angrier.
rnd a Daily Nebraskan columnist
Here comes the important part.
While others are rioting and having a
good time within their own little cir
cle, run around the perimeter of that
circle and unnerve the onlookers who
have just arrived. ^
“Godzilla is coming! Everyone is
going nuts! Protect your own selfish
interests!” Women with small chil
dren will scurry across the street with
little or no cognizance of others. They
just want to get the last 250 Happy
Meals.
Now you can make your escape -
don’t take time to sit back and reflect
because the cops are coming. The
ideal situation would be to hop in
your awaiting choppers), zoom over
the top of your well-constructed party
and throw balloons filled with donkey
blood at the crowd. But you may have
not had that bowl of Wheaties that
morning, so it’s entirely possible you
didn’t develop your plan into fruition.
So go someplace and read dirty mag
azines. (I’ll probably talk about that
some other time when I tell you “How
to appear sick and twisted.”)
So there you have it. You’ve done
it That wasn’t so hard, was it? No ifs,
ands or buts about it, you have started
an uprising. Feel the sense of accom
plishment. You’ve climbed that
mighty mountain. You’ve crossed that
mighty river. And you have crossed
over into the realm of irrationality.
And you, too, will make people cry
for die six! o’clock news.