Cut, and print
^ See the process of a column in the works
(Blackness.)
Cue mug shot. Cue byline. Cue
headline. Someone get the script over
to the art department so it can get a
graphic in the works.
The script’s not done vet boss.
What do you mean it’s not done
yet? What kinda third-rate column are
we running here?
Oh. go easy on the guv, boss. We
just had a holiday weekend and the
guy.’s birthday was last week.
That is no excuse! I swear, onmy
mother’s grave...
Your mom’s not dead, boss.
Excuse me, I’m ranting here.
Sorry, boss.
Great, now I lost my train of
thought. Where was I?
Swearing on vour mother’s grave
Oh yeah! I swear, on my mother’s
grave, he better have something good ~
to write this week, or heads will roll!
Shaddap. ,
What? What? What was that? Were
you talking back to me, Mr. Writer Sir?!
Yeah, I said to shaddap. I’m tired of
your yappin’.
Oh, well, then we better get the
show on the road then, hadn’t we?...
That’s right, we need a scriptfirst! And
that’s what you ’re supposed to be
doing, isn’t it? You columnists are all
the same.
Hey, Mark?
Yeah, whaddaya want now?
Look over there.
(Long pause.)
Trevor, why the hell is the camera
light on?
It means the column’s running,
boss.
I know it means the column s run
ning! Why the hell is the camera point
ed at me?!
You’re talking, boss.
I’m not an actor, Trevor, I’m the
friggjm ’set manager!
1 thought it might be fun to take die
readers behind the set of the column for
once.
(Long pause.)
WELL, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T
ANYONE TELL ME IN ADVANCE?!
Last-minute editorial decision.
I think it sounds like a swell idea.
No one’s paying you to think,
Trevor!
You’ll have to forgive Mark, folks,
he’s a little shy.
(SFX - Footsteps.) Hey, Cliff, I
was thinking, how about... uh, why’s
the light on?
I’m showing people behind the set,
Topher.
Oh, man, can’t you warn people
in advance when you’re gonna pull
stunts like this? The place is a mess.
(Mark taps the camera.) You really
oughta take the lens cap off, then. If
we’re gonna let’em look, let’em look at
the real business.
Trevor, take the cap off, would you?
Hang on, no way in hell I’m get
ting caught on camera. I’ll tell Joe to
stay off die set. (SFX - Footsteps.)
(As the lens cap comes off, the first
thing we see is a smiling, tall guy,
blonde moptop hair and a thick goatee
jutting off his chin, that semi-dumb
grin plastered onto his face. This is the
establishing shot: Trevor Johnson.)
Got it Chief.
(He backs away, and a messy set
slowly starts to become visible, as well
as a few figures. Mark Baldridge, the
set manager, is leaning against a nearby
steel girder. He’s a short, squat fella,
slightly balding on top with a scraggly
black beard and a big stogie jutting out
of his mouth that he’s puffing on.)
Gaze upon the beauty that is me.
I thought you didn’t want to be
seen.
You know Mark. Chief: he
might be camera-shy at first
but he never shies
awav from glory.
(And, as tiie
camera pans
across the set,
we see thick
cables criss
crossing on
the floor,
attached
to hot
lights on
thick
poles,
casting
light about the
place. A few
boom microphones
hang like bunches of
grapes. Off to the side
is a utuic wiui au
industrial-sized coffee pot
and a Jones Soda cooler.
To the right of the set, the camera
spots a doorway marked Cast, and as
the camera pans to the left, we spot
another one marked Crew. A big white
tarp hangs in die background, just wait
ing for the scene to be painted on it.)
So what do we need for a backdrop
today. Chief?
No backdrop - we’re just giving a
tour today.
- (The camera pans toward a chair,
the back facing toward us. In the chair
sits the young man in the leather jacket.
The back of the chair reads Chief. I
turn back to smile at the camera, hop
ing like hell the crew is casting enough
light on my face so we can see I have a
mustache as well as the goatee.)
Cast some more light on the Chief,
Trevor.
(Trevor scurries over to a light pole
and turns the spot
light to
H cast on me, at
which I raise my
hand to shield my
eyes from the bright light. A small flash
of lens flare gleams as the light reflects
off my glasses.)
Not quite that much, Trevor.
(He tips the light away a little bit,
then drops a filter over to reduce the
glare.)
That better. Chief?
Yeah.
Things have just been a little hectic
lately, and I just want to kick back and
relax today.
So, Mark, how’s the family?
Fine, fine, same ol same ol ’.
Good. Trevor, you enjoy the break?
Yeah. Chief -1 had Thanksgiving
dinner at Grandma’s house. She sure
knows how to make a hell of a meal.
(Mark glances down the page.)
HeyChief, we ’re running out of
space - we oughta wrap things up
for the day. You want me to have
gk Trevor run this over to
an ana let em
fancy it up a bit?
Sounds
good. Trev,
you can kill
that light.
We’re call
ing it a day.
Swell.
That was an
easy day’s
work.
(The light
switches off, and
the set is lit by a
few back houselights
Fthat can be seen through
the white tarp of the set.)
Toss the lens cap back on,
and we can all go home.
(The outline of a hand covers the
camera, and suddenly it’s all black,
the sound still running a minute
longer.)
Enjoy your afternoon, folks, and
don’t forget to tip your columnist.
(Silence.)
For a written transcript of this col
umn, keep the newspaper. Twit.
Cliff Hicks is a senior news-editorial and English major and a Daily iSeorashan columnist.
Channel surfing
Television fails to hold attention span
Flip.
To VH1: “Behind the Music: The
Life of Chris Gaines.” Chris Gaines is
a fictional character made up by Garth
Brooks, country music god. This is
Chris Gaines’ story, which VH1 has
decided to air. It prompts me to think:
Did Garth pay VH1 to air this pro
gram? The whole thing is a marketing
ploy, anyway. Eventually, they’re going
to make a movie about all of this.
Flip.
To Fox: a Charles Bronson movie,
possibly one of the “Death Wish”
ones. A woman in slinky lingerie,
1980s style.
Flip:'
To CBS: college footballrMiami ~
vs. Syracuse, where main announcer,
Sean McDonough, tells the captive
audience for the third time that
Hurricanes’ wide receiver Santana
Moss is one of the fastest players in
college football.
When I was kid, my dad would tell
me that announcer Curt Gowdy used
to see the NFLs fastest man every sin
gle week. Thing was, it was always a
different guy.
Flip.
To The History Channel: “Military
Blunders,” which chronicles Hitler’s
massive error at Dunkirk, where he
misperceived his own air power and
allowed the British ground ,troops to
escape back to Britain, a land he was
never able to capture. The announcer
tells us it eventually led to the down
fall of Nazi Germany...
Hell of a hindsight call, don’t you
think?
Flip.
To the Home Shopping Network:
“Pearl Expressions,” where Item
820-436, an Oyster Cove 14K
Cultured Akoya Pearl Cluster
Ring (6mm, whatever that
means) has a retail value of
$415.00, and is selling for
only $147.25.
And there’s a Flexpay
plan to boot.
No doubt, we’ll want to
stick around for the bracelet.
“Is it as yummy as it looks on
TV?” a caller asks.
I only wish the selling lady would
have said, “You bet your sweet ass it
is.”
Flip.
To ESPN2: which is all squirrelly
lookin’ on my television because I
don’t have the extended cable package.
Flip.
To Univision: where a naked
Mexican woman is onstage in a bath
tub, naked, covered in suds, onstage,
naked, singing a song in Spanish,
naked.
Then a commercial for “Sabado
Gigante,” which is fitting, considering
the endowment of the naked woman in
the bathtub, singing a song, naked,
onstage.
Flip.
To Pax: that religious station with
the stunningly haunting TV commer
cial of the boy sitting in his high chair
watching violence on the news. It pro
motes responsible, family-oriented
television.
Currently on Pax: a gunfight from
“Bonanza.” : , > '
Flip.
To the Superstation, TBS: “Rocky
Y”
the last
of the series,
where Kocky loses all his
money, goes back to the hood, trains
that Tommy Morrison guy, gets beat
up, fmds his pride, then beats that
Tommy Morrison guy and all that
other crap.
Not long back, Sylvester Stallone
complained in a New York Daily News
interview that he couldn’t get a job in
the biz. Poor Rock.
Flip.
To the Cartoon Network: “The
Smurfs.” A Nazi creation. Didn’t you
know?
Flip.
To die WB Channel: an Elvis clas
sic, “Girls, Girls, Girls.” The King’s
best performance, if ya ask me.
Flip.
BacktoVHl for a Bee Gees
reunion.
Flip.
To C-SPAN2 for “Book tv” a book
seminar on “The Rise & Fhll of die
American Teenager” by Thomas Hine,
a middle-aged man.
Flip.
To the Food Network:
where a chef cuts some leafy
greens. Chef Man is explaining a
green, whose name I do not recognize,
as tasting a lot like kale, the vegetarian
universal equivalent to chicken.
“You’ve got to give your kids this
stuff,” Chef Man said. “Feed ‘em
peanut butter and jelly, and that’s what
they’re going to eat. Feed them this,
and they’ll eat this.”
Yes, Chef Man. Good analysis.
Flip.
To Ae E! channel, where a Coca
Cola commercial revisits those cuddly
polar bears, this time with Baby Bear
making friends with a nice seal and
both of them guzzling the nectar of
kings. I hope baby seals don’t get the
wrong message from the commercial,
lest they be eaten by the polar bear
tomorrow.
Flip.
To MTV: a “Real World”/”Road
Rules” physical challenge/reunion
kind of a deal. Beth, from Los •. : v *
Angeles, is hurt again. The east is
reading a story in the newspaper about
z
them
selves.
See, I told you our medium still
rules.
Flip.
To the Nashville Network: roller
derby, and not the old stuff. This is the
Southern version of the game. There’s
even a 1-800 number if you want to
join. Accent required.
Flip.
Flip.
Flip.
Flip;
To a video game, a new one in
which dinosaurs battle each other to a
bloody death. This game has brought
many denizens of the Daily Nebraskan
together for 35 seconds of sheer car
nage.
Which brings me to this question
How, exactly, does one commit
suicide by “throwing themselves off a
cliff?” A girl on an episode of
“Beverly Hills 90210” (I forget the
channel) alluded to it How do you
thrbw yourself off a cliff?
'I’ve known only one person capa
ble of a human pretzel.
„ Samuel McKewon is a junior news editorial and political science nuyor, sports editor and Daily Nebraskan columnist.