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Li/' ited's idiotic antics call for his dismissal
“Lil’Waterhead”
I couldn't believe he'd said it I had
to ask him to repeat himself.
“I said I thought Memorial Stadium
hasagreatgameday atmosphere except
for that retarded mascot y’alls got
They oughta call it Lil’ Waterhead.”
I was so mad I could’ve spit The
man had traveled from his home in
Arkansas on business, and the only
negative thing he had to say about the
state was about our mascot, the beloved
Lil’Red My Lil’Red ~
When Lil’Red made his first pub
lic appearance, my life was given new
meaning. I felt as if I’d found the broth
er I was always searching for. I was
quick to pick up all of the latest Lil’
Red merchandise, including the ill
fated Lil’ Red home pregnancy test,
and the Lil’ Red adult diapers. I was
hooked
I was desperately hoping for the
university to endorse a line of latex
condoms. There’d be two sizes, Big
Red and Lil’ Red, and I would enthusi
astically ask for Lil’ Red
It became clear to me that my Lil’
Red obsession was becoming a prob
lem when I went through 14 room
mates as a freshman. Apparently my
morning ritual of dedicating each day
to Lil’ Red was becoming a bit over
bearing.
So you can see how a remark like
“Lil’Waterhead” could push an unsta
ble man over the edge.
Strangely enough, I felt relieved. I
needed someone to tell it like it is.
Since the day die Southern traveler
opened up my eyes, I have had a drastic
change of heart Lil’ Red needs to be
popped.
I even had my Lil* Red tattoo
removed from the most sensitive of
male areas. That’s how strongly I feel
about tins issue.
And if you think I’m pissed, you
should talk to Herbie Husker. Put your
self in his shoes. Things are going
along fine, and then die university
brings in a second mascot
A second mascot?
How frightened Herbie must have
felt In an exclusive interview for this
column, Herbie told of the long nights
he spent searching for hookers and
crack after Lil’ Red came on the scene.
But ol’ Herb Is kicked thepipe and
is ready to reclaim his throne. He has
nothing to say about Lil’ Red, except
for an off-color remark about his moth
er, which can ’t be printed.
He^s ready to take back the title of
the University of Nebraska^ mascot.
Perhaps I have a very self-centered
reason for wanting to abblish Lil’ Red.
That reason is to aid my recurring
nightmares.
It happened the night alter the infa
mous ‘Tailgate on the Turf." I awoke in
the middle of the night, beads of per
spiration pouring off me, with a haunt
ing image stuck in my mind.
It starts with me in the forest,
enjoying a hike. Then I see him, Lil’
Red, walking toward me with that
blank stare and goofy grin.
I start funning, but he gains ground
quickly. I trip over a rock. He looks
down on me and is about to pounce
right as I wake up.
Have we forgotten that this mascot
was used by Tom Green to mount Rick
Schwieger? Shouldn’t such a sacrile
gious act, occurring right on Tom
Osborne Field, merit removal of
die mascot?
I’ll guarantee you Herbie
Husker wouldn’t let some
Canadian sissy-boy defile him.
Each time 1 see Lil’Red at a game
doing his weird mating dance, it makes
me want to vomit in terror. I’ve fought
many personal battles in my life, and
die only one harder than my addiction
to cough syrup and Flintstone vitamins
was my obsession with Lil’ Red.
So he can bounce around on his
a--—
A nd if you think I’m pissed, you should talk
to Herbie Husker.
head. It doesn’t take Houdini to figure
that trick out.
Let’s all wake up
and realize we \ TIN
have a per
fectly
good L
mascot 1
already. It’s time to restore Herbie
Husker to prominence and pop Lil’
Red.
MattHaney/DN
" Tony Bock is a junior broadcasting major and a Daily Nebraskan guest columnist.
Couples wko display affection in public
need to get slapped around
The baboons are running rampant. They have
discovered fire and are swinging from vine to
vine, brazenly spreading their blaze. These
baboons must be stopped. The People’s Elbow
must be used.
You know who you are. Both humans and
baboons are reading this, wondering, “What is
this about?”
I’m here to make you baboons wonder in
astonishment, long enough for you to become
human once again and realize what you are
doing.
I see the baboons every day I am on campus.
I see them hand in hand, arm in arm, tongue in
Cheek. The PDA (Public Display of Affection)
must be curbed for the well-being of the campus.
I see these “enamored lovers” stroll to class
holdinghands, walking pitifully slow and making
everyone walk around them.
They beam smiles at each other and proclaim
by their-body language, “Look at me, everyone. I
am loved!” The showoffs. ~ -
The baboons cheapen themselves even as
they cheapen the rest of us.
There’s a couple in my chemistry lecture. The
male is always groping the female as
our esteemed professor tries to
teach us valuable chemical skills.
The guy is touching her * ——^
hand, her cheek, even her y
ear. He’s from East
Campus, so there may be \ ^
some excuse for his lack of
social enqueue. ^
The girl preens
over her beau’s atten- / *
tion and is always ( 1
squirming in her J
seat This annoys If]
me to no end, as 1 would
much rather learn
about acid. i
I’m tempted to l
give them something y
to Teally squirm about. \
How afcout some HC1, ^
anyone? Right in their seats. .
ft would serve them right
:_a.1__*
x livi v to aiiuui^i pan at iuc
Nebraska Union. I walk past them |
every time I go to class. I swear they
are not really students but just like
to copulate on the concrete. When I
walk by I am tempted to give them ^
— . ^ ■! ■ • ■ ——i—;—'tt&ky- ' " •? %
Single people get enraged
by couples, especially if
they are swapping spit
every three seconds.
both a swift kick in the keister to make them
move. Maybe the cops would get them for loiter
ing? I’ll have to see about it
Single people get enraged by couples, espe
cially if they are swapping spit every three sec
onds.
I am not embittered. I have a lot of freedom
being single. I shop for myself. I abide by my
schedule. I don’t answer to anyone for ogling
girls. I eat for myself. I work out for myself. I
don’t need approval from someone else.
But then there are the baboons.
This pair where I work would kiss at the door,
when she came back from the bathroom, when
they got a donut when they left, when they got in
the car. I was severely tempted to call the sheriff
and get them both arrested for lewd conduct.
There are human
Melanie Falk/DN ^ LcouPles-1 say tha‘
because some of
r you may trunk 1 am
? portraying all
^ couples as
> baboons.
The
baboons are
those who don’t
get a handle on their
PDA. The baboons
f I are the ones who
/ disrespect love and
/ drag it through
I our city streets. The
baboons are swinging
r j.1 •__
I 1 J 11U1II U1V V ill VO Willi
/ * blazing torches.
/ It takes every ounce of
willpower not to throttle the
baboons. If I should ever become
Z> a baboon, God forbid, I thoroughly
expect someone to drop the People’s
Elbow from the top rope and save me
from such bestiality.
Silas DeBoer is a sophomore English major
and a Daily Nebraskan guest columnist
Cutting meat from diet shows true
compassion for animals
Or& hundred and fifty years ago, white men
held black men as slaves.
Forced to work for no wages, to live in hor
rendous conditions, these poor people lived lives
most of us would rather not consider.
Eighty years ago women couldn’t vote. They
couldn’t get the same jobs or earn the same pay
as men.
They were in many ways practically owned
by their husbands.
Now let me tell you about another set of vic
tims. And before you make your judgment, open
your mind.
What is it about an animal that makes people
think itk OK to cause it pain and to kill it?
They are less intelligent. But there are many
people on this planet who, because of mental
retardation, are not even as intelligent as a pig or
a chicken.
What is the difference?
We still draw that arbitrary line.
Is it all right to cause an animal pain, to steal
its life from it for a half-hour meal? I believe the
philosopher Jferemy Bentham said it best when
he urged his readers to dispel their bias and
think about the problem logically.
“The question is not can they reason, nor,
can they talk, but can they suffer?”
When deciding which beings are forced to
suffer, there is no more obvious question.
If you think for a second that the animals
you eat don’t suffer, then you are misinformed.
A vast majority of the animals that you con
sume every day comes from what are called fac
tory farms.
, Money is the bottom line, and
the animals are nothing more than
products.
Chickens and turkeys have
their beaks and toe tips sliced
off because they are
crammed in such small
quarters that they can’t
even lift their wings
away from then
sides. They
start
attacking each other, ^ r\3
even trying to eat each
other, and this can cause
“economic losses.”
Many of these birds die from dis
eas® because they live on floors coated
«
If you think for a second
that the animals you eat
don’t suffer, then you are
misinformed.
with their own waste. Others die of heart attacks
from the overwhelming stress. A painful death at
the slaughterhouse is the only escape for many.
Consider the pain you cause when you sit
down to eat. Show compassion.
Go vegetarian.
If not for the animals, do it for yourself.
(Going veggie helps prevent heart attacks,
strokes, cancer, osteoporosis, diabetes, kidney
disease, hypoglycemia, asthma, impotence....)
For more information on this and other ani
mal rights topics, please contact People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals at www.peta
online.org.
Or contact Students for Animal Rights at
UNL_AR@hotmail.com.
I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.
Please try to make it happy for
the animals as well.
Matt Haney/DN
Jason Nord is a senior philosophy and English major and a Daily
Nebraskan guest columnist
