Save the struggling star
Gary Coleman has fallen on hard times - it’s time for us to help
the trees, save the ozone. Well, I
believe that human life is precious.
And although Gary Coleman isn’t
dying, he sure has a sorry excuse fo
a life. And we can help.
That’s right, I say we save Gary
Coleman.
He should be letting his talents
shine on a stage. Why is our favorits
little guy seating people in booths
when he could be doing standup
behind the mic?
Right in town we have the Lied
Center and the Star City Dinner
Theatre. Up the road in Omaha
; there’s the Funny Bone and the
Playhouse. He could emcee commu
nity events or be the city’s official
■ spokesman.
We could at least get him to wor
i at the university in some sort of PR
job. How about as a Husker Hostess
You know, they’re those hot sororit)
girls that escort football recruits
around on Saturday. They’re sup
posed to attract high schoolers to
Nebraska. Well, G.C. may not be an
attractive 21-year-old, but it’d be co
not like he’ll be short on friends.
We’ve got 25,000 students that grew
up with him on TV or at least saw
r the reruns. We’ll take him to par
ties and hang out on the week- A
ends. ^B
So let’s fly him out here
for awhile. We’ll set up a A
couple of speaking engage- w
ments, let him cut a few V
ribbons with Johanns and V
take him to Misty’s. With a
little tour of town and a
Husker game, he won’t be ^k
able to leave. I figure with
airfare, hotel, meals and a ^^^F
celebrity stipend, we can
pull off the whole thing
for about $1000.
c So send your con
tributions to the Gary
? Coleman Fund c/o
the Daily Nebraskan.
If we raise enough f
money to get him I
here. I’ll call him and \
It’s a travesty. A real travesty.
Not the is-Buchanan-leaving-the
GOP kind of problem or the is-the
women’s-studies-program-full-of
lesbians sort of situation. I mean it’s t
sad, sad set of circumstances that has
plagued one man’s life.
It’s a story of a boy’s life gone ter
ribly wrong. A notable child actoi
with ambitions of lifelong fame is lef
with crushed hopes and shatterec
dreams. His road to stardom was onct
paved with gold - looking back, it’s
but a trail of tears.
I’m talking about the television
icon of my childhood. I’m talking
about the little man with a big heart.
I’m talking about Gary Coleman.
In 1978, he first blessed us with
the classic phrase “Whatchoo talkin’
bout’ Willis?” and our lives haven’t
been the same since. His magnifi
cent portrayal of Arnold Drummond
was but a glimpse of Coleman’s act
ing ability.
But besides a few made-for-TV
movies and guest appearances in
music videos (as himself) Coleman
has seldom been seen on the tube,
better yet the silver screen. He
worked as a security guard for a
time, then eventually filed Chapter
11 bankruptcy. He was arrested for
hitting a woman in the face and his
life hit rock bottom.
Like the rest of the cast of
“Diff’rent Strokes,” Coleman’s life
has been plagued by tragedy. Todd
Bridges (Willis) has been in and out
of jail, and Dana Plato (Kimberly)
died of a drug overdose.
Now Coleman works as a host in
an arcade/restaurant in California. I
saw a story about him on TV last
week that just tore me up. I mean,
he’s walking around showing 11
year-olds how to play video games.
And, friends, I think we can do
something about it.
When you think about it, there
are a lot of causes out there. Save
this animal, save that animal. Save
set it up. We’ll have
d1 a parade and festi
val. It’ll be huge.
If we come up
short, I’ll just
; send him the
money and
let him use
it for him
self. (You
know he
could use
it, he works
in an arcade
for cryin’ out
»e loud.)
I think
Gary would not
only make a
comeback and fit
e in here, but he’d
become a part of
iu gei a campus umr oy mm.
The university also has this posi
tion called “Institutional
Representative to the NCAA.” Som
middle-aged lawyer is doing the jot
now, but who better to speak for oui
school than the figurehead of 1980s
TV?
Better yet, let’s get him to be
chancellor. The Meez-dogg has big
ger fish to fry anyway, so let him
head to Florida or something. Bring
in Gary to stand for good ol’ NU.
Wouldn’t the television interviews I
much more exciting? If G.C. gets
asked a question he doesn’t like,
he’ll dance around it like Bill
Clinton. Wouldn’t a “Whatchoo
talkin’ ‘bout, Deb Collins?” be a nu
change of pace?
Well, even though Chancellor
Coleman does have a nice ring, it
may have its drawbacks. We don’t
want Gary slapping someone if he
doesn’t like what they say. And I
guess food service and security
aren’t exactly the qualifications of t
Division I leader. Plus there’s the
whole seeing-over-the-podium thin:
Regardless, I think Mr. Colemar
would like it here. I’ve got a huge
closet with a low ceiling that would
be perfect if he wants to save mone?
on rent. Hey, I’ll sub-lease! And it’s
uic uuuuiiuimy. nnu wnu
knows what he might still
become - a teacher or an entre
preneur, a spokesman or an official
representative.
Gary Coleman’s Bar & Grill? The
Gary Coleman Barbershop Quartet?
Mayor Coleman? Gov. Coleman?
I. Or maybe he could completely
i rebound from his celebrity despair
and reach new heights as a star.
Visualize an 8-foot inflatable
r Coleman on gamedays.
Lil’ Gary. Oh, yeah.
J.J. Harder is a senior political science and broadcasting major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Sex and the 21-year-old virgin
Questions surround those who haven’t yet done the deed
What about the 21-year-old vir
gins?
They see: large billboards with
Calvin Klein advertisements. Lace
underwear of near nothing. A design
to pleasure the minds, and a promise
comes with it. Everybody knows
what underwear companies are
promising.
Then turn the pages of maga
zines, beautiful bodies enraptured in
embrace, implied: ecstasy to emanci
pate itself later. It’s what they want,
they think. But are they sure?
In bars, and dorm rooms, restau
rants and lounges, conversations
continue, and they can’t be avoided.
“I got with her, and we did it..
“Really!? Have you ever ... ?”
“Yeah .. .You know what’s
crazy?”
They smile genuine, but con
fused, and laugh loudly, nervously,
while those who have had sex tell the
tales. Hearing the conversation lets
them feel like they are a part of sex.
When the talking turns toward
them what are they to say?
Pass the question on, say they
don’t tell. Then the comment:
“Because you haven’t been with a
...” and they shake their heads and
say, “It won’t be known.”
Do they make up a story of
someone’s, somewhere else?
Knowing what they know from mag
azines and movies, the lines are not
so hard to script.
Or do they tell forbidden truth?
Do they say they haven’t found the
right one? Do they say they’ve had
chances, but... ? Do they say they
are waiting until marriage? Can they
say this?
What if they aren’t waiting for
marriage? What if the only
reason they haven’t found
anyone is because nobody
has found them, and the
chances they say they have
had, haven’t happened.
Then, are they human or half
human? Can 21-year-old virgins
be numans!
Everyone is
having sex.
Without having:
what do they know:
As they see sex in bill
boards and magazines do
they know what is? Do
they know what people
are saying? Do they
know what the
movies are
about?
Surely
tney must
want to know. Sex is the
world. Right? Don’t the vir
gins wonder about this sexual '
world and the images they can
only see? Whirlwind lust all
around them, they must
wonder about it; wanting to
know what it’s like when
the title is gone.
Such a shame, but more
than that, an enigma, an embar
v * rassment,
they have
' not had some
j one to hold. Isn’t
it?
Don’t they think the
things that society
thinks they should
>o they ask
lemselves if
anything is
^ wrong
with them?
Alone at night, again, do they
Flie awake asking: Why
doesn’t anyone want
me? Will I always be a
virgin? Am I really so dif
ferent? Will I be able to admit it the
first time it happens to me?
How do they feel in a crowd,
looking around wondering, “Am I
the only one?”
If they have Alcoholics
Anonymous and Gamblers
Anonymous shouldn’t they have 21 -
Year-Old-Virgins Anonymous?
Don’t they need a support group?
/\re mey so uiriereni' aureiy me
answer is no: surrounded by sex in a
sexual world that is for them sexless,
they seem to survive. How do they
survive when it’s about sex?
As conversations continue on,
they look around the room with
questions, wonder when the promis
es of Calvin Klein advertisements
will come true. Some hold out for
marriage, some hold out for the right
one, some hold out until it happens.
But perhaps for some it’s not a
sexual world. The 21-year-old vir
gins have gotten this far, they can go
farther, until they answer the promis
es themselves.
Trevor Johnson is a junior English and secondary education major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.