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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 17, 1999)
Yakkety -YAK, text by Trevor Johnson art by Matt Haney God, I have one wish. I want to talk to you. “So talk.” Don’t you know what I am going to say? “I know what you will say. You don’t know what I will say.” The Bible .says what you will say, priests say what you will say, everything says what you will say. “So if you know what 1 am going to say, then what are you asking?” Why don’t we know the answers to why? “You mean: Why are you here? If God is so good, why is there evil? Why do you die? Why is God letting his children suffer? Why is the world going to hell in a hand-basket while God watches?” Yeah, those questions. “Look, this may take a while. You want a beer?” God likes beer? “Yeah. While you’re bitching, you could at least thank me for beer.” Thanks. So, why? “Why what? Oh, yeah. WHY? That’s pathetic. Why, why, why? That’s all you can come up with.” Pathetic? You put us here. You knew we were going to rape. You put us here. You knew we were going to steal. You put us here. You knew we were going to die. You put us here. You knew we were going to do evil. Before Jeffrey Dahmer was bom, you knew he would be a serial killer, and yet you put him here. Children are going to get raped, and you know it, and you put them here anyway. Why? “Humans rape. 1 don’t Humans murder. I don’t. Humans die like everyone else, and humans ask why. Why don’t they ask themselves?” But, like I said, you knew everything was going to happen. Yop could have changed it. “You can change it.” Change what you already know is going to happen? “Do you know what’s going to happen?” 1NU. “Then change it.” Change your screw-ups, oh that’s nice... The all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good God screwed up, and now he wants us to fix it. “Those are your definitions.” You gave them to us. The Bible. The Koran. The Torah. “People wrote those books -1 didn’t. People choose to read them. People choose to listen to them.” So those books are lies. “Those books are what people wrote them to be. Nothing more, nothing less.” So, what then? “So, what do you mean what? Answer your own questions.” If we could, we would. You are the only one who knows the answers. “No, you know the answers. You just don’t want to accept them.The reason why you are here is irrelevant. Perhaps the reason is, well, since I am immortal - as you guys make me out to be - well, then I got bored, real bored. “So one day I decided ‘What the hell? I’ll make humans.They should entertain me.’ “I didn’t have to, but the fact is I did, so it’s a pointless question. Any answer is as good as any other answer, and none makes a difference.” So it’s all a big joke to you, and we are your playthings? “It’s nothing to me. I don’t have a problem. You do.” You make us, you say it’s for your own fun and games, you say everything you let happen is our fault and you say it’s our problem, and we have to change it. “Sure, if you want to put it that way.” God, you are a baby-raping, murdering bastard. l “I am nothing of the sort. I made the world. I let it go. I gave you guys the tools to make it work. I even made reproduction fun. What more could you ask for? “The world was working fine for 300 million years. It was fine with you guys for three million years, then you decided, ‘Screw it! We want to rebel against everything we’ve ever known.’ “You started killing, and raping, and all those other things. I didn’t make you do it” , So what do we do/ “Stop asking me. You’ve been asking God for the answer for 3,000 years, and it’s got ten you nowhere. Look to nature, look to yourselves, look somewhere else. You’ll find why. You’ll find out why.” That’s it? ' “That’s it. Now. You done talking to yourself?” Think so. “Good, then finish your beer and get out of here. I got things to vs; do.”