Plethora of presidents
Forget the elections, let nine of those who have already run our country do it again
Imagine if you will, in these high times of
technology and cosmic wizardry, that America
was able to revive its old leaders and change
the government.
We still have the Constitution, with all
perks, privileges and laws therein remaining
intact, except for one:
The executive branch is now the executive
tribunal - complete with our current bureau
cracy, but now instead of one president, we
have nine open spots, waiting to be filled by
the only truly qualified candidates: the 42 men
who have held the office of the Presidency of
the United States.
Less is more, especially in talking candi
dates.
We rewrite the election codes, put all of
our previous presidents up for office (or those
who would agree to be nominated and then
agree to run - sorry, Lyndon B. Johnson.
Unless you’d like another go-round, LBJ?).
Richard Nixon gets another chance, and so
does William Henry Harrison, who had just
one month in office.
We bring back both Roosevelts, Andrew
Johnson, Bill Clinton and Grover Cleveland,
for a chance to serve some consecutive terms.
And while the 20th may be the greatest
century of them all, and the presidents who
ruled over it the most in-tune leaders of all
time, it is still only the most recent in a series
of innumerable centuries.
in more man ^uu years ox me American
presidency, we’ve had some greats and some
not-so-greats. While you’re poring over your
opinions of our current chief executive and
agonizing over the decision of who the next
should be, why not take this cosmic vote for
the Afnerican oligarchy?
Of course, everyone’s got to be elected by
a standard top-nine-vote-getters-win election.
So who gets the nod?
Think of an Oval Office crammed with
desks. The name plates read: JFK, Ike,
Jackson, Madison, Nixon, Washington,
Jefferson, FDR and Lincoln.
A motley crew, right? But they’re perfect
for each other, and all of them are electable.
We’ve got to think charisma here.
Presidents with pep, with zip and whose indis
cretions were not of the reported caliber of
Clinton’s.
With that, John F. Kennedy’s perfect. A
Democrat, our 35th president (1961-1963) is
on the board. He staved off nuclear war,
launched the race to the moon and saw the
greatest expansion of civil rights since the
Reconstruction. Who knows what else might
have happened?
The Bay of Pigs could factor against him
in the Republican camp and with so many lib
eral issues in the world today, don’t think even
Andrew Jackson and his older liberal col
leagues will be watching him.
roiiow up jrK witn uwignt u.
Eisenhower, Republican, 34™ president (1953
1961). Kennedy’s precursor and, listed with
Ulysses S. Grant, arguably the greatest
American general ever. Eisenhower led the D
Day invasion, the largest-scale modem mili
tary action, as Supreme Allied Commander.
As president, Ike was the first Republican
since Herbert Hoover’s forgettable term that
ended in 1933. But Eisenhower invented a
whole new wing of Republicanism. “We’ll be
conservative when it comes to taxes, and liber
al when it comes to human beings,” he said.
That ought to go over well with everyone.
We need some war heroes, right? And that
being said, Ike should get on perfectly with
Democrat Andrew Jackson, the sevehth presi
dent (1829-1837).
The first truly Democratic president, “Old
Hickory” was a hell-raiser, and we all know
that a few of those aren’t bad. He fought with
his cabinet members perpetually, and his
tenure gave rise to the “Spoils System,” con
troversial even in his day.
He’ll keep everyone honest. Can you hear
it now? Jackson exploding into a meeting with
a bottle of whiskey in his hand and 50 angry
senators, who he helped get elected, right
behind him.
So let’s bring in a sobering influence:
James Madison, Democratic-Republican, our
fourth president (1809-1817).
Madison was known as the “Father of the
Constitution” and, indeed, was a major con
tributor and thoughtful generator behind many
of the document’s philosophies and ideals.
He could be the silent guy in the middle
who brings everyone together. Just look at him
in all his pictures. The white wig, the starched
shirt. He could probably use some style tips
from Kennedy.
Speaking of that, we have to put Richard
M. Nixon on there - Republican, 37th presi
dent (1969-1974).
What kind of tribunal is this without him?
Picture a raging Nixon-Jackson-Kennedy
debate where Dick is just sweating his last
drop between both ends of the Democratic
Party. Plus, he’s reunited with quite possibly
the only man not to make his famed “enemies
list” in Eisenhower.
If nobody likes him, he’s the scapegoat.
Picture Jackson leaning over to whisper in
Madison’s ear, “We’ll just blame that
Californian.” Interestingly enough, Nixon is a
Quaker, our only president of that religious
bent.
So here s the rest of the
Southern contingency: George
Washington, Federalist, first
president (1789-1797).
It all has to start some
where. Perhaps the most
amazing thing about
Washington was that
he won a war for
independence and
was immediately
rushed into a __
Constitutional
Convention to
preside over the
making of a
nation.
Washington
did not want a
kingship, but I
think he’d go for
this little oligarchy.
Heck, he’d be
happy to be alive
again and swing
ing. Picture G.W.
and Jimmy
Madison water
skiing out at
Camp David or
growing
hemp,
which
they
both pushed during the Revolution.
Washington and Nixon can exchange their
own whoppers and how they dealt with them.
Thomas Jefferson, Democratic
Republican, third president (1801-1809), joins
them as the third Virginian.
Maybe a little weighty on the Old
Dominion, but with the Massachusetts man
and, as we’ll see, a New Yorker in FDR and a
journeyman like Lincoln, the balance is
struck. Besides, didn’t we quash that whole
states’ rights thing?
He’ll be a bold and commanding presence
on the board, but Jefferson is probably now
best known for his hypocrisy in the tragedy of
slavery in America. Talk about a rude awaken
ing. Still, Jefferson had envisioned an
America where liberty would one day be
extended to all. He was just not man enough to
step up to the rest of his Southern colleagues.
And though he may be the greatest
American mind of all, what’s the saying,
genius is wrong 50 percent of the time?
Jefferson secured the Louisiana Purchase
and pushed Manifest Destiny and the
Westward Expansion, saying that he hoped to
see America from sea to shining sea by the
middle of the 20th century.
We all make mistakes, now Tom can see
just how big his were. It would be inter
esting to see how he deals
with spin control.
Now comes the real leadership, though.
We’ve got to have some direction. Who leads
the leaders? Some fine, upstanding, spotless
sterling characters.
Enter Franklin D. Roosevelt, Democrat,
32nd president (1933-1945). Entering into a
dual generalship with FDR is Abraham
Lincoln, Republican, 16th president (1861
1865).
With a pair of consuls like these two, the
council is complete.
Lincoln saved the nation.
Roosevelt saved the nation.
They understood the concept of together
ness and unity in government and should cer
tainly lend that to the far-reaching opposites
we have vicariously elected.
You’ve got to think that Lincoln was the
true father of this country as we know it today.
Roosevelt is the master economic leader in
here.
In terms of power and money, the United
States will have it made under this elite corps.
Forget the 2000 election. Think about the
' abstract. Besides, wouldn’t a Cosmic
Consulate of Chief Executives be more fun
than just one guy in the Oval Office?
Melanie Falk/DN
Adam Klinker is an English and history major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
% > '
