Do not read any reviews of‘Blair Witch’
By Mark Baldridge
K Staff writer
-
^ Do not read this review. Drop the
• paper like an neurotic boyfriend and
go see “The Blair Witch Project.” Do
it now. I’m not kidding; why are you
still here?
^ ... OK, so you don’t know what’s
good for you. You think you know
^ better. All right, only don’t blame me
if you’re left out like a cheese in the
^ wind just because you can’t resist
being “in the know.”
The “Blair Witch Project” is
either the scariest documentary ever
blown up from video or one of the
worst films even made.
The problem with that is, it can’t
be both. I mean, can it? But there it is,
and you sort of have to decide for
yourself.
Ugly, with the production values
of your cousin’s wedding reception
footage, “Blair Witch” will give you a
headache.-It-will cross your eyes,
stuck, like your mother always
warned you.
But that’s because the movie was
shot by actors, hiking into the woods,
where they were scared to death by
sadistic film makers like some kind
of grotesque game of Dungeons and
Dragons.
This mess of amateur filmmaking
poses as the results of amateur film
makers’ messy efforts to document a
local legend by hiking into the woods
where they are scared to death by
sadistic ghosts. Or something. You
know, witches.
You can see how the brilliant self
referential nature of the film might
have had a little something to do with
the possibility of it being taken for the
real thing - except for the discovery
of certain glaring inconsistencies
which can be left to the discerning
viewer.
But you don’t absolutely have to
believe the film is real to buy into it;
after a few minutes of the outrageous
ly bad cinematography it’s not too
hard to suspend a little disbelief.
And the funny, quirky, personable
moments at the beginning help you
accept the characters for who they
seem to assume they are.
Once you’re sufficiently hypno
tized, the film takes on the eerie qual
ity of ghost stories told late at night,
under the covers, an illicit flashlight
burning long after lights out at your
best friend’s sleep over.
A quality which has nothing to do
belief, but rather with a certain tone
of voice. The calm, almost neutral,
detached and serious, instantly recog
nizable tone one adopts when begin
ning a story that “really happened” to
a friend of a friend of a friend, right
around here, just a few years ago.
The kind of story that ends, like
this film, with a short, sharp, shock.
So now you know, you just had to
read ahead, skip to the end, look
behind the curtain. Well good for you,
if that’s your cuppa’joe.
Now drop the paper like an ugly
bug, find yourself an innocent, bor
row your nephew and his friend, any
one who doesn’t know, and take them
to the movie.
The Facts
Title: The Blair Witch Project*^^®
Stars: Heather Donohue, Joshua
Leonard, Michael Williams
Director: Daniel Myrick and Eduardo
Sanchez
Rating: R (language, horror)
Running Time: 1:27
Grade: A (for effort, at least)
Five Words: Grownup ghost stories
for cheap
‘Dick’favors cute factor
over historical facts
By Mark Baldridge
Staff writer
Do not read this review. Drop the
paper like a neurotic boyfriend and go
see “The Blair Witch Project.”
Unless it’s still sold out with peo
ple waiting to get in, that same old has
sle. Or maybe you’re afraid?
Then “Dick” might be more your
speed, fraidy cat. Nothing to be scared
of here, ya’ wuss.
Just two cute girls in their pajamas
bringing down the leader of the free
world, baby!
Of all the 1970s deconstruction
flicks, this is just about the most
deconstructed; nothing, and I mean
nothing about this film bears any
resemblance to the facts in the strange
, case of Richard M. Nixon and his arch
nemesis, “Deep Throat.”
Woodward don’t look like
Woodward, Bernstein don’t look like
Bernstein. You can’t tell the players
without a scorecard but don’t be a’s
cared of that either (gee, you’re a
wimp) cause each character will step
up to the mic and introduce him/her
self, just in case you don’t know dick.
For those of you who slept through
American History in junior High (or
had the off-season coach who lingered
lovingly over “Doubleyou Doubleyou
Two” and never really got around to
that messy decade) the 1970’s were
troubled times.
Vietnam was a far away place
where American boys left their limbs
and minds, or died trying. The folks at
home watched it on TV, in color, all
green and gray and crimson.
It was scary, if you paid any atten
tion, and a lot of kids (like me, I’m that
old) tried to imagine the Viet Cong
were like, you know, Nazis and tried to
hate them.
But that’s not what this movie is
about.
Then of course, there was
Watergate, a vague ministerial crisis
which preempted scads of daytime
television, (there Were only four sta
tions in those days, if you counted
PBS) interrupting the sacred after
school cartoons.
And maybe that’s what caused the
social unrest that lead young people to
pelt National Guardsmen with marsh
mallows or very small rocks, getting
themselves shot down for their trou
The Facts
Tide: 'Dick* m -
Stars: Michelle Williams, Kirsten
Dunst, Dan Hedaya, Wi Fenel, Bruce
McCulloch
Director: Andrew Fleming
Rating: PG-13 (God knows why)
Grade: C+
Five Words: All the President's ditzy
chicks
ble.
But this movie isn’t about that
either.
This movie is about two cute girls
in their pajamas - and just entire
Goodwills f\ill of the most tripped-out
clothes, but all brand new, without yet
a hint of funk - who stumble into a job
as presidential dog walkers in the nick
of time to save the world from war,
pestilence and famine, staving off the
latter with “pot” cookies which they
toss like Scooby Snacks into the
mouths of waiting dignitaries.
Michelle Williams (“Dawson’s
Creek”) is cute. Kirsten Dunst
(“Interview with a Vampire,” “Wag the
Dog”) is cute. (They play die two cute
girls.)
The send up of “All the President’s
Men” is cute.
The dream sequence, where Nixon
(Dan Hedaya - “The Usual Suspects,”
“Nixon”) rides a white stallion on the
beach, is cute.
Checkers is cute.
The whole ding d£ng movie is
cute, and not the least bit scary.
So if you like laughing at America,
or you’re just afraid of the big bad
Blair Witch... well... you know.
Courtesy Photo
KIRSTEN DUNST, Michelle Williams are a pair of
teens who become entangled in the Watergate
Scandal and Dan Heyada is embattled President
Richard M. Nixon in the 70s satire “Dick.”