3
Unemployment blues
Tips and insight on living a new life on the government dole
I‘m not unemployed. I have a job,
two jobs in fact, which together bring in
something like $71 a week, before taxes
- enough to keep me in burritos and
beer if I give up
burritos. mm
The technical
term is “under
employed.”
So how do I
keep my address
and phone service?
WeU, I had to let my
option on the ol’
phone number lapse
I’m afraid: From
now on it’s “don’t
call me, I’ll call
you.”
Probably from
the pay phone at the
Dip and Strip were
I’ll stand in line with
my 350 waiting for a
fella to finish callin’
his girlfriend a ho.
(We under
employed schmucks all talk like that,
too lazy even to end our words proper
ty)
Bug unless I want end up where that
guy seems headed, sleeping on some
; 0 burned out buddy ’s-catt-pissed sofa, I’ve
''got td'keep-gherodl' pulled over my
head/: • 1 •
'* •; For that I got my weekly unemploy
mentcheck.
That’s right, I’ve got two jobs, a
paid-volunteer gig as the patsy of med
ical science (see episode one of these
summer chronicles) AND unemploy
That's right, I've got
two jobs, a paid
volunteer gig as the
patsy of medical
science AND
unemployment. And
the best part is, I
don't have to kill
anyone.''
ment. And the best part is, I don’t have to
kill anyone.
I’m not even committing a crime;
the nice bureaucrats at the unemploy
ment office (1010 N
v: St.) know all about
my various earnings
or, rather, my fail
ures to earn. And
they are still willing
to send me money
through the mail
until I get back on
my feet or my
unemployment runs
out a few weeks
from now.
In fact I’m
expecting a check
today. One hundred
and forty someodd
dollars, my weekly
taste of welfare teat.
Though, of
course, it’s not wel
fare, not exactly.
Here’s how it
works:
You lose your job, I don’t care how: -
fired, quit or just showed up for work
one day to find the locks had been
changed and the boss imprisoned.
Don’t be ashamed. It’s happened to
a lot-of people you’d never suspect.
Gillian Anderson got picked for “The
X-Files” the same week she received
her last unemployment check. Rush
Limbaugh spent some time on the dole
himself, back when he was just a big, fat
nobody.
You’re no better than these people,
BIRKENSTOCK
6IRMAN INOINIIRINS FOR YOUR FRIT
so you just schlep yourself down to
1010 N St and tell the red tape jockies
all about it
Chances are you’ve earned a few
wage credits sometime in the previous
18 months and if your employer’s been
paying her taxes like a good girl you
may be eligible for some small pittance
over the next 26 weeks.
Of course certain restrictions may
apply:
You can’t go to college while receiv
ing unemployment unless you earned a
majority of your wage credits as a stu
dent
If you worked in certain fields, such
as in a farmer’s field, you may be S.O.L.;
agricultural employers are exempt from
paying the tax in question.
If you quit your last job, you can be
penalized in several ways: you may have
to wait a couple months, your checks
may be a little smaller, etc.
And of course you have to be look
ing for work, registered with job service
and applying for at least two jobs a week
(what did you want a free ride?)
And make no mistake; unemploy
ment is no scam. It’s your rights we’re
talking about, not some kind of hat-in
hand routine.
And no one gets rich on it You car
work, and they encourage you to do so
but if you make too much money (anc
believe me, it’s not “too much”) they’l
cut your benefits faster than you can saj
“Thank you, Sir, may I have another!”
We all know your ship is coming in
it’s only a matter of time
Unemployment is just there to save yoi
from having to bum on the beach til
then.
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