The last hurrah . t
Five years at UNL really makes for best years of life _ -
TODD MUNSON is a senior
broadcasting major and
Daily Nebraska columnist
Well, this is the moment East ?
Campus has been waiting for. It’s time,
for me to say adios to the DN and dear
old Nebraska U. , "
Believe it or not, come May 81 V'
will be graduating, unless I join the 't
circus instead of taking my last final.
Who’d have thought a moron like
me could graduate from a third-tier
institution of higher education?
My high school counselor didn’t. ~
He told me to skip college because I’d
just find myself on the A.P. list. He
made sure I knew he wasn’t talking
about advanced placement.
Well, poop on you, buddy. I’m
graduating in just half a decade, and
never was I once placed on academigf
probation. And poop on that English >
teacher who said yoq cai* .pever staitaV;
sentence with the worcf ‘and.’
But the last bit of poop is the
biggest A fong'-tuhebago, Ewasknowrt v
classified as a “gifted and talented”
student. I think the correetterm was
“able? student. Able to do what* i. rj . ;
don’t know. After a few years of the
egghead biz* I realized goofing off
was a lot more fun than writing a 20
page research paper about Sweden at
£;age 12.. >.r. , •
rive years after tailing off the aca
demic wagon, I applied to a special
mentoring program where high school: •:
seniors could shadow a professional
out in the “real world.” Instead of /1
wanting to observe a radiologist orany
other “ist” job, I wanted to see what it
was like to be a radio DJ.
Two weeks after applying, I u
> received a letter in the mail from a (
woman telling methat I didn’t have
the talent needed for toe mentoring;
program. Actually, it told me I was
stupid more than anything; If I were 1
the kind of person who carried anote
pad with names of people who needed
to be killed, either execution or gang
land style, she’d be near the top. The
letter was that nasty. -•? . „. ”
Fast forward to Todd’s first week
of college. The confused little fresh
man couldn’t find his way around
campus without a map, but, duh gee,
he must have grew some brains over
the summer because he was on the air
at KRNU. A couple of weeks later, he
was showing the new people how to
run the station. That means showing
people how to be a DJ, the very posi
tion he was too stupid for just a year
earlier.
just UKe a rock star,.any good
columnist needs a list of thank yous.
First on my list is Rick Alloway.
Y’all know him as the NRoll guy.
Rick - who’s so cool, he doesn’t even
go by Prof. - thought that I would
make a fine teacher’s assistant. He saw
me as someone eager to learn, not as
the kid with the reputation for not
doing his famous presidents word
jumbles in history class.
, Not even a week into it, I knew
college was a very cool place. It was a
chance for a new beginning. Mast
importantly, it was a chance to study
the subject of your choice without die
mindless busy work. Mine was broad
casting. Declared as a freshman and -
never changed. I thought about it just
once, but the “no math requirement”
for broadcasting students was too
good to pass up.
For five years, Rick and the broad
casting faculty have put up with my
shenanigans. They set me loose with
all sorts of cool gear and now that I’m
ready to be set loose, I’d just like to
say thanks.
Next on the list is dear old
Nebraska U. It may be a third-tier
land-grant institution, but it’s our
third-tier land-grant institution, damn
it. And iffc responsible, at least in part,
for everything I’ve experienced in the"’ ,
past five years. In high school, I gave a
lot of thought to not going to college.
Unless a magical fairy ever drdps a
million bucks and a baker’s dozen of
virgins at my feet, I don’t think there’ll
be anything I’m more thankful for
than the education I’ve received here.
Every now and again, I think of
what life would have been like without
going to college, and all 1 can do is
shudder hke a crackhead going
through withdrawal. Instead of
becoming a lay-about slacker, I used
opportunity. I’ve learned more than I
ever drought I could leanrand experi
enced many great things. Wife the
exception of just a couple of bad
apples, the professors here are top
notch and should really be paid what
they’re worth.
btanamg aoove me resns me two
person film studies department of Drs.
Dixon and Foster. The effort they put
into their classes is incredible. Thanks
to the film studies program, a huge
lpyer of cnid was scraped away from ^
my brain andadam of creative juice i
was opened wide up. 4f * % f I
■ I’d also like totftaniklhe state of “
Nebraska - not the government but the
.whole damn state. Believe it or not,
I’nf proud to say Tm from-Nebraska. *
Growing up in Nebraska has taught
me a good many things. Topping the j
chhrt is politeness, ;My feeble math
skills tell me that at a rate of 12 people
per day, it’d only take 34.2 yeai$ for ,
someone, to pissqffthe entire state.
Thus, being polite to everyone is very j
important Mqve out of state - you’ll
see tome jsn’t agpnecal populace
more polite than NebrasWs. !f).
., There’s a^o -the ethos known as
the Nebraska work ethic. iff you’re 4
from out of state, you’re living in
Lincoln for the summer and need a
job, I highly suggest uber-heinous task
of detasshngcorn. I wprked in the
fields for a couple of summers, j
and honestly, it was the worst
job a person could have.
Spend just a week getting .
up before dawn to do 10
hours of paid slave labor
out in a muddy swelter-, „;
ing maze of com with
a “Lord of the Flies”
esque management
structure and you’ll
never complain
about how your
jod sucks and
vow never to J
drop out of col- .J
lege. If you’ve |J|
done it, you’re a mmk
better and , JhH
stronger person |
than most of the
country: If you
grew up in .
Nebraska with
out detassling Wk■
for at least one *
summer, you’re I®
a pathetic weak- \
Last butnot W
least are my
friends. Like my ill
johnson, the Ust
is long but distin- ||
guished. In fact,
the list is too long
to named everyone
involved. A special
thanks goes out
though to the BSB and
all the Comfed Mofos
out there. That collection
of rat bastards probably
took five years off my life but
that’s OK. It was definitely
worth it. Even in my last semes- ** IS
ter, I’m still making some great '
Mends. The brochure to get into this -
joint says you’ll make a lifetime of
Mends here. I couldn’t agree more.
Wow.
That was pretty heavy back there.
Tell you what, I just realized I own not
a stitch of Nebraska-related parapher
nalia. So while I take a break to go get
some tacky Husker item, enjoy these
_ factoids. Then we’re gonna get to the
funptuff.
By The Numbers and Other
Insigjnifica (or how Todd spent five
years of college)
300: Approximate hours spent
watchmg “The Simpsons”
660: Approximate number of bur
ritos eaten
3: Number of broken bones
18: Number of different room
mates"---.
1820: Approximate hours spent
playing Ultimate
7500: Approximate number of
miles ridden by bicycle
'■ 8: Number of times drove to class
22: Approximate number of times
vomited due to excessive partying
0: Number of times arrested
I believe I now own what is quite
possibly the most obnoxious Husker
item in existence. I am now the pos
sessor of a big-ass Big Red cowboy
hat. Just putting it on makes me feel
30 years older. That gives me an idea.
The year is 2029. Todd is 53 years
* old. At the dinner table one night, the
mashed potatoes remind him of a par
ticular experience he once had in col
lege. For the next five hours, he
launches in a misty-eyed tafle of how
! 'great his college days wCre, forcing
his children into dyspeptic fits and his
wife into shock. The following are the
tales worthy of teltiilg 3Q^ears from
now.
“When I was a freshman... ”
We filled our time not with study
ing, but with tomfoolery at its finest
We made a bazooka and shot bottle
rockets at the chicks living across the
w;ay at Sa^ck^JHaJl., , -
. We bounCed bbWling ; ' ,
balls off the ~
floor and -
1" X '■»s
ceiling to annoy our neighbors and
when we grew bored with that, we
sent the bowling balls down the trash
chute to annoy everyone.
I drank a glass of tabasco sauce for
15 bucks, and then had to crawl on my
hands and knees to get some Pepto
Bismol at the Q4Qwik.
A week later, I valiantly tried to eat
15 bowls of Cap’n Crunch but the
Soggies got to me. Then we had those
dry ice bombs ...
“Back when bands knew how to
' rock...”
I went with my roommate to go
see KISS in Kansas City. The show
started at 8 p.m. He picked me up at
5:30. It was a three-hour drive, mind
you. In the back seat was cooler full of
beer and frozen peas to keep it cold
since ice was too expensive in those
days. Six pee stops later, we made it
just in time to find our seats in the
absolute last row of the arena. After
the show, I blew the last three dollars
to my name on a waffle house waffle.
The next morning we woke up at a rest
stop not knowing how we got there.
“I woke up in more than a few
strange places... ”
But none were stranger the field
where I woke up all discombobulated
and bruised like a faffed apple. Why?
Thought you’d never ask. It was a
party ofepic proportions and in a vain
attempt to win the party, I arranged the
empty kegs like bowling pins, walked
to the top of a very steep hill and
rolled down like a human bowling
ball. The kegs, fell and so did I - face
down into a world of hurt. ..
“Shenanigans? Why, we were
the kings of the game... ”
We established our dominance one
cKaeding ffie night before new students
moved to campus to b£ exact; At 3
am, we went around to isrf' V!
v *»fiI iRftvtfi riiii t .;
every emergency phone and drew
chalk body outlines complete with
fake Wood. A grist% crime sceneht
every turn had students and their par
ents mortified. We just laughed and
laughed and laughed.
“Ultimate, I’ve got more tales
about that sport than the folks at
Canterbury...”
I’m sorry, but if I tokl you, I have
to kill you. They’re top-secret. But let’s
just say our motto was “We might not
win every tournament, but we’ll
always win the party.”
“The best day of college? I did
n’t have one, I had two... ”
When I was a senior, we got a fall
break and damn it, we made the best
of it. I had one day to have fun and
after driving all night We had break
fast in Winter Park at 8 a.m., mountain
biked all day and by 3 a.m. I found
myself face-down in a waffle house
parking lot. That very day was the def
inition of “epic.”
The other best day was Jan. 31,
1997. We spent all day in frpnt of the
Stuart Theater to be the first in line for
the re-release of Star Wars. By itself,
that was great, but what really made
the day great was at 12 that morning, I
got laid. What a day! Oh, I pulled all
the chicks. Um ... sorry honey.
i ri~ ■.. / - I
The future is now
Well, space is at a premium right
now so I better pinch this sucker off.
For two years, I rotted your minds *
with worthless swill and demented
ideas. Right now, I have but one last
bit of advice for y’all and please, if
you only remember one thing I ever
write, remember this bit of advice.
When in doubt, never be afraid to
go big.
That said, I’ll see you turkeys later.
■ I’m going to Hollywood.
