Moeser sez
NU disputes
to be settled
prison-style
By Ted Nugent
Some guy
Citing an obvious lack of solidarity
among university faculty, Chancellor
James Moeser surprised members of
the faculty Senate on Tuesday by call
ing for the , implementation of what he
called “the real way” to solve internal
disputes.
“This is bloodsport, baby,” Moeser
said. “No more focus groups, no more
discussion panels - just one ring, one
match and two Ph.D.y.”
Moeser outlined a plan for the cre
ation of a new sports-based disputes
resolution system based on no-holds
barred physical conflict. Under the
proposed system, intrafaculty disputes
would be resolved in weekly “Battle
Royales” funded by NU intercollegiate
athletics.
Moeser said the last professor
standing would be claimed victor and
any conflict would be resolved in their
favor.
Specifically, Moeser called for the
construction of a “terror dome” to
house such conflicts, creation of
mandatory physical combat training
sessions and for all faculty member to
create “ringside” personas for use in
combat.
To provide an example, the chan
cellor said he would take on the ring
side name “Da Meez” and would per
fect a move called “Da Squeez.”
Moeser refused to comment on the
nature of da squeez, but added there
was one way to fmd out for sure.
Moeser then removed his shirt, tie
and trousers to reveal sequined, red
nylon boxing shorts and a matching
cape. “Da Meez” was written across
the back of the shorts.
“You want some?” he said, slap
ping at his well-oiled pectorals and
flexing.
“You don’t mess wit’ Da Meez,” he
warned.
Reaction among faculty members
of varied. Women’s studies professor
Barbara DiBemard noted the obvious
patriarchal influences of the chancel
lor’s proposal and said she had changed
her position on gun control as a result.
“I’m gomia have to start packing
some heat when I’m on campus,”
DiBemard said. “It saddens me truly to
be forced to bust caps in my col
leagues’ asses, but there’s no way I’m
getting in a ring with a bare-chested
colleague wearing sequined nylon
Please see CHICKEN on 7
Ansel Adams/DN
THE TEAM FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE CORNHUSKERS will have to make some big changes to its program if it hopes to stay a contender for the nation
al title, as NU will switch to Ultimate Frisbee this fall.
Byrne finally sells us out
■ The NU Athletic Director has
forsaken Nebraska football, and the
Earth shall tremble, and the sky
shall turn black, and a plague shall
descend upon us all.
By Jimmy Johnson
Secret Frisbee admirer
At a surprise press conference yesterday, NU
Athletic Director Bill Byrne said the Comhusker
football program had been axed from the Athletic
Department, and the Ultimate Frisbee team now
called Comfed MoFos would play in its place.
From behind six inches of bullet-proof glass,
Byrne tried to justify his decision to state media.
“Both decisions were made to give NU the
aggressive image its needs for the coming millenni
, um and possible apocalypse. Comhusker isn’t the
type of image we want for our school. Around the
country the image of NU is tainted by this name.
“Our marketing research tells us that when peo
ple think of a Comhusker, an inbred pervert a la
‘Deliverance’ who likes to sodomize com is the first
and only thing that comes to mind. However, the
same research tells us that the Comfed MoFos name
gives NU a mother-grabbin’ bad-boy image that will
result in millions of dollars in the sale of Comfed
MoFo gear.”
With that, Byrne moved on to more important
matters, specifically why football is out and Ultimate
Frisbee, a sport whose only exposure came at the
hand of some “Frisbee chucking cheeba-monkeys”
in the film “PCU,” is totally in.
“Ultimate is the sport for the next millennium.
Here at the Athletic Department, we’re the innova
tors, not the conformists. Before the end of the 22nd
century, I’ll wager that other Little 12 schools will
offer Ultimate as a varsity sport. Until then, the
MoFos’ season will be a bit short as Northeastern
Rhode Island and Central Delaware State are the
only other colleges with Ultimate programs. The
bonus is that with our size and budget, we have the
chance of winning a national championship every
year, which is something our football team couldn’t
do.”
Bum went on to note the positive aspects of
putting football players out of jobs.
“During the last few seasons, the pride and
integrity of NU has been hampered by some rather
felonious Comhuskers. The kids we’ve got lined up
to play Ultimate are nothing more than petty delin
quents at their worst”
When asked what kind of athletic talent the
Comfed MoFos would bring to Remedial Stadium,
Byrne introduced a boy named Sally.
“I know his name’s a bit odd, but this kid has the
skills to pay the bills. I’ve never seen anything like
him. He can spend all night drinking gallons of beer ^
and then go out the next day and run a 4.4 second 40
meter just to chase down a Frisbee.”
And then, suddenly with grace and quickness of
Wayne Gretzky, Byrne notched a figurative bomb
shell hat-trick. Shocking the media, he told the
absolute and unhindered truth.
“To be painfully honest, the real reason we’re
dumping football are those damn skyboxes. They
were just so expensive that we could no longer afford
a football team. Ultimate is almost as inexpensive as
slave labor. The only equipment needed is a few
Frisbees and some seven-layer burritos for suste
nance.”
Immediately following that statement, Byrne
began soliciting tickets for the Comfed MoFos’ inau
gural contest against Central Delaware State on Sept.
5.
“Tickets went on sale at 10 a.m. and now at noon
there’s only 75,998 seats left. They’re only $75 a
piece, and we’re offering 50-yard-line seats to stu
dents, so they will go fast.”
It’s fashion... with a Comhusker twist
By Choo Choo Coleman
Former New York Met
The world of fashion will descend upon
Lincoln next week for the first annual Nebraska
Athletic Department fashion show, to be head
lined by NU Track and Field Coach Gary Pepin.
Pepin, who is well-known for his ability to
pose for the camera and his trademark stylish
brown leather coat, has created a major buzz in
the past two years among fashion moguls in
Paris, Texas, upstate New York, Saginaw, Mich.,
and Beaver Junction, Wis.
“We’ve found he’s a especially big fashion
statement in parts of Wisconsin,” said Rick
Morley, the 22-year-old fashion consultant
found at Duffy’s a couple of nights ago. Morley
is coordinating the lineup for the show, to be
held in South Stadium a week from today.
“Apparently, uh, people still wear that stuff up
there.”
For his part, Pepin said, he never knew his
fashion style would be so popular.
“I’m surprised, frankly,” Pepin said. “I’ve
got some Dutch clogs at home that I plan to
wear, too. It’s funny, because most people have
never seen my real wardrobe. The leather coat is
simply the tip of the closet, baby. The tip.”
Also featured will be the Nebraska softball
team wearing their new retro 1980s uniforms.
The uniforms are completely polyester, with the
tight-fitting sleeves and mesh hat to match.
“The key here is the mesh hat,” pitcher
Jenny Voss said. “That’s the key. So many peo
ple have asked me, ‘Jenny, girl, why don’t you
wear a hat?’
“I tells them, ‘Cause, baby, my head is need
ing room to breathe. A mesh hat gives me room
to breathe.’ That’s what I’ve wanted all along.
It’s what we’ve all wanted.”
Second baseman Jennifer Lizama agreed.
“I’m going to quite like the iron-on decals
of the uniform,” Lizama said. “That way, when
you slide, they come off, and you get to iron
them back on again!”
Also featured will be NU Football Coach
Frank Solich, who will be modeling clothes for
the store Short and Skinny, while athletic direc
tor Bill Bum is modeling for decidedly richer
and heavier folks.
Paul Sanderford will be offering up his new
hair-cutting product, The Bear. It allows any
person to have the perfectly round, bowl-like,
monkish haircut that Sanderford has.
“The bowl cut is coming back, I’m telling
you,” Sanderford said. “The cut’s been relegat
ed to 6-year-old boys for a long time, but I’ll tell
you, it’s easy to manage and is perfectly round.”
Morley said that he has contacted several
other coaches and players for the event. NU
Coach Danny Nee was not contacted because,
as Morley said, “He just dresses too well.”
So far, none of the major fashion labels have
decided to attend the event. Calvin Klein
laughed when the Daily Halfasskan asked his
intentions, saying, “Nothing there is worth a
damn except that mesh hat”
Donna Karan agreed, saying: “I don’t know
about you, but seeing a man with wooden shoes
and a leather coat seems a little, how do I put
this, uh, nuts. Yeah, nuts is the word.”
i
