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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1999)
Moeser sez NU disputes to be settled prison-style By Ted Nugent Some guy Citing an obvious lack of solidarity among university faculty, Chancellor James Moeser surprised members of the faculty Senate on Tuesday by call ing for the , implementation of what he called “the real way” to solve internal disputes. “This is bloodsport, baby,” Moeser said. “No more focus groups, no more discussion panels - just one ring, one match and two Ph.D.y.” Moeser outlined a plan for the cre ation of a new sports-based disputes resolution system based on no-holds barred physical conflict. Under the proposed system, intrafaculty disputes would be resolved in weekly “Battle Royales” funded by NU intercollegiate athletics. Moeser said the last professor standing would be claimed victor and any conflict would be resolved in their favor. Specifically, Moeser called for the construction of a “terror dome” to house such conflicts, creation of mandatory physical combat training sessions and for all faculty member to create “ringside” personas for use in combat. To provide an example, the chan cellor said he would take on the ring side name “Da Meez” and would per fect a move called “Da Squeez.” Moeser refused to comment on the nature of da squeez, but added there was one way to fmd out for sure. Moeser then removed his shirt, tie and trousers to reveal sequined, red nylon boxing shorts and a matching cape. “Da Meez” was written across the back of the shorts. “You want some?” he said, slap ping at his well-oiled pectorals and flexing. “You don’t mess wit’ Da Meez,” he warned. Reaction among faculty members of varied. Women’s studies professor Barbara DiBemard noted the obvious patriarchal influences of the chancel lor’s proposal and said she had changed her position on gun control as a result. “I’m gomia have to start packing some heat when I’m on campus,” DiBemard said. “It saddens me truly to be forced to bust caps in my col leagues’ asses, but there’s no way I’m getting in a ring with a bare-chested colleague wearing sequined nylon Please see CHICKEN on 7 Ansel Adams/DN THE TEAM FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE CORNHUSKERS will have to make some big changes to its program if it hopes to stay a contender for the nation al title, as NU will switch to Ultimate Frisbee this fall. Byrne finally sells us out ■ The NU Athletic Director has forsaken Nebraska football, and the Earth shall tremble, and the sky shall turn black, and a plague shall descend upon us all. By Jimmy Johnson Secret Frisbee admirer At a surprise press conference yesterday, NU Athletic Director Bill Byrne said the Comhusker football program had been axed from the Athletic Department, and the Ultimate Frisbee team now called Comfed MoFos would play in its place. From behind six inches of bullet-proof glass, Byrne tried to justify his decision to state media. “Both decisions were made to give NU the aggressive image its needs for the coming millenni , um and possible apocalypse. Comhusker isn’t the type of image we want for our school. Around the country the image of NU is tainted by this name. “Our marketing research tells us that when peo ple think of a Comhusker, an inbred pervert a la ‘Deliverance’ who likes to sodomize com is the first and only thing that comes to mind. However, the same research tells us that the Comfed MoFos name gives NU a mother-grabbin’ bad-boy image that will result in millions of dollars in the sale of Comfed MoFo gear.” With that, Byrne moved on to more important matters, specifically why football is out and Ultimate Frisbee, a sport whose only exposure came at the hand of some “Frisbee chucking cheeba-monkeys” in the film “PCU,” is totally in. “Ultimate is the sport for the next millennium. Here at the Athletic Department, we’re the innova tors, not the conformists. Before the end of the 22nd century, I’ll wager that other Little 12 schools will offer Ultimate as a varsity sport. Until then, the MoFos’ season will be a bit short as Northeastern Rhode Island and Central Delaware State are the only other colleges with Ultimate programs. The bonus is that with our size and budget, we have the chance of winning a national championship every year, which is something our football team couldn’t do.” Bum went on to note the positive aspects of putting football players out of jobs. “During the last few seasons, the pride and integrity of NU has been hampered by some rather felonious Comhuskers. The kids we’ve got lined up to play Ultimate are nothing more than petty delin quents at their worst” When asked what kind of athletic talent the Comfed MoFos would bring to Remedial Stadium, Byrne introduced a boy named Sally. “I know his name’s a bit odd, but this kid has the skills to pay the bills. I’ve never seen anything like him. He can spend all night drinking gallons of beer ^ and then go out the next day and run a 4.4 second 40 meter just to chase down a Frisbee.” And then, suddenly with grace and quickness of Wayne Gretzky, Byrne notched a figurative bomb shell hat-trick. Shocking the media, he told the absolute and unhindered truth. “To be painfully honest, the real reason we’re dumping football are those damn skyboxes. They were just so expensive that we could no longer afford a football team. Ultimate is almost as inexpensive as slave labor. The only equipment needed is a few Frisbees and some seven-layer burritos for suste nance.” Immediately following that statement, Byrne began soliciting tickets for the Comfed MoFos’ inau gural contest against Central Delaware State on Sept. 5. “Tickets went on sale at 10 a.m. and now at noon there’s only 75,998 seats left. They’re only $75 a piece, and we’re offering 50-yard-line seats to stu dents, so they will go fast.” It’s fashion... with a Comhusker twist By Choo Choo Coleman Former New York Met The world of fashion will descend upon Lincoln next week for the first annual Nebraska Athletic Department fashion show, to be head lined by NU Track and Field Coach Gary Pepin. Pepin, who is well-known for his ability to pose for the camera and his trademark stylish brown leather coat, has created a major buzz in the past two years among fashion moguls in Paris, Texas, upstate New York, Saginaw, Mich., and Beaver Junction, Wis. “We’ve found he’s a especially big fashion statement in parts of Wisconsin,” said Rick Morley, the 22-year-old fashion consultant found at Duffy’s a couple of nights ago. Morley is coordinating the lineup for the show, to be held in South Stadium a week from today. “Apparently, uh, people still wear that stuff up there.” For his part, Pepin said, he never knew his fashion style would be so popular. “I’m surprised, frankly,” Pepin said. “I’ve got some Dutch clogs at home that I plan to wear, too. It’s funny, because most people have never seen my real wardrobe. The leather coat is simply the tip of the closet, baby. The tip.” Also featured will be the Nebraska softball team wearing their new retro 1980s uniforms. The uniforms are completely polyester, with the tight-fitting sleeves and mesh hat to match. “The key here is the mesh hat,” pitcher Jenny Voss said. “That’s the key. So many peo ple have asked me, ‘Jenny, girl, why don’t you wear a hat?’ “I tells them, ‘Cause, baby, my head is need ing room to breathe. A mesh hat gives me room to breathe.’ That’s what I’ve wanted all along. It’s what we’ve all wanted.” Second baseman Jennifer Lizama agreed. “I’m going to quite like the iron-on decals of the uniform,” Lizama said. “That way, when you slide, they come off, and you get to iron them back on again!” Also featured will be NU Football Coach Frank Solich, who will be modeling clothes for the store Short and Skinny, while athletic direc tor Bill Bum is modeling for decidedly richer and heavier folks. Paul Sanderford will be offering up his new hair-cutting product, The Bear. It allows any person to have the perfectly round, bowl-like, monkish haircut that Sanderford has. “The bowl cut is coming back, I’m telling you,” Sanderford said. “The cut’s been relegat ed to 6-year-old boys for a long time, but I’ll tell you, it’s easy to manage and is perfectly round.” Morley said that he has contacted several other coaches and players for the event. NU Coach Danny Nee was not contacted because, as Morley said, “He just dresses too well.” So far, none of the major fashion labels have decided to attend the event. Calvin Klein laughed when the Daily Halfasskan asked his intentions, saying, “Nothing there is worth a damn except that mesh hat” Donna Karan agreed, saying: “I don’t know about you, but seeing a man with wooden shoes and a leather coat seems a little, how do I put this, uh, nuts. Yeah, nuts is the word.” i