Money does buy everything
By Pete Rose
Sports ethics adviser
In a surprise move to crush pesky
regulators and dissenters, the NU
Athletic Department ditched all facil
ities improvement projects
Wednesday and used the money to
buy the entire University ofNebraska.
“I knew I could scratch up the
dough, and I thought, ‘Why the hell
not?’” said department Director Bill
Byrne at the university rededication
and ribbon cutting. “Becoming my
own boss sounded a lot more attrac
tive than a new practice field or stadi
um waterproofing. And now every
one will do what I say.”
Byrne said the first change would
be ditching ASUN and the Daily
Nebraskan, “who just can’t stop
bitching about me,” as well as the
Office of Admissions, who “doesn’t
know a decent admissions standard
from a hole in the ground.”
New admissions standards
include running 100 meters in 9.84
seconds, completing a pass to a slight
ly injured receiver and speaking to a
statewide press conference without
saying, “Aww, shit, woman” or
“Guess what? I’m packin’ heat!”
Any non-athletes who meet those
standards will live, eat and attend
school at UNK, so as to not disturb the
athletes who work doubly hard here in
Lincoln.
And non-athletes who travel to
Lincoln for home football games will
commit to having their legs broken
and crippled when they sign up for
season tickets. That way, they can’t
stand up and annoy older, wealthier
Husker football fans.
As a symbol of NU’s new owner
ship, the new Nebraska Union “freak
fountain” will be appropriately
Students,
like, protest
or something
By Jacqueline Susanne
Snotty intellectual
About 50 students gathered in
front of the Nebraska Union on
Tuesday to protest U.S. involvement
in a conflict somewhere.
“People are dying in, like, Asia I
think,” sophomore biology major
Ted Gonnor said. “We’re bombing
people over there, you know. It’s like,
we’re killing them and stuff.”
The rally was caused by the
broadcast of a new program in a
political science class last week.
Professor Jim Dugan said he liked to
keep his students aware of what is
going on in the world by making
them watch live news broadcasts.
Junior business administration
major Brandy Williams said she was
shocked by die news footage of live
combat.
“I’m like, you know, used to
watching people die on TV I mean, a
first I was like ‘Oh boy, 50 people
were just napalmed to death in the
Balkans, like big deal,”’ Williams
said. “But then someone said it was
real and after I thought about it for a
week or so, I decided killing people
isn’t right”
Other students rallied in front of
the union to show support for U.S.
actions overseas.
Freshman general studies major
Cal Borman said he supported the
actions.
“It’s cool,” Borman said. “We
have to make the world safe for
democracy by supporting totalitari
an regimes like Kuwait’s.”
Borman added that he did not
think violence would solve ever
problem, but could be useful.
“What else are you supposed to
do when someone disagrees with
you? I mean, isn’t that what democ
racy is all about? Kicking ass?”
^:• : •■■'- - - - • ~ '' . • • •;■• ■•■■ ' ,.■ • : . - ' ' : :
._ __^.„ _^___ t l'if - AndyWarhol/DH
THE SEARS TROPHY, formerly a symbol of pride for NU, now looms over UNL’s campus as a reminder of the awe
some and unstoppable power of the Athletic Department, which recently bought the university. Bow down,
fools. And while you’re down there, kiss my championship ring.
altered to include a Sears Trophy
crushing the bed of protruding, spear
like rocks that symbolize non-athletes
on campus.
Byrne also proposed the follow
ing changes to NU:
■ Starting Monday, all
researchers who can’t develop a
lighter running shoe will be canned
and shipped to Iowa State University.
■ All university parking will be
reserved for athletes, because every
one else could use a good walk any
way.
■ Library 101 will be replaced
with “How Much Money NU
Athletics Gives to the Library 101.”
■ Phi Beta Kappa would be
reserved for graduates who were four
year members of Husker Fury.
■The Sheldon Art Gallery will be
renovated to include Astroturf and
renamed “The Super Humper Husker
Hall of Fame.” Johnny Rogers will
sign autographs on opening day,
scheduled for the first home football
gameday in fall 2000.
Byrne, when asked how we would
respond to any opposition to the uni
versity buyout, smiled and patted
sports reporters on their heads.
“We don’t expect any opposition,
little boys,” he said. “You just report
to all the students and professors
they’re Frauline Byrne’s orphans
now.”
The Queen is dead! Oh,
never mind, she’s OK
LONDON (Agence France
Press) - Her Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II fell down a flight of
stairs about 11 p.m. Sunday, result
ing in the canning of Parliament.
No one important was injured.
According to witnesses, dear oF
Lizzy was “going to the little girls’
room to take care of No. 1 ” when she
slipped and tumbled approximately
50 feet down a flight of stairs.
Her Majesty promptly got up,
dusted herself off, pushed her way
through a pack of tabloid newspaper
werewolf photographers who had
swarmed out of the walls and walked
out.
After 10 minutes of fuming, Her
Majesty stomped into parliament
and announced that “everyone has
been canned.”
When reporters asked her whom
she meant was canned, the queen
replied:
“Shut up. You’re all canned.
Every last one of you. I’m a monarch
for crying out loud. Now go home
and do whatever it is you common
slobs do.”
Albright’s got the fever for
the flavor of ass-kicking
NEW YORK - U.S. Secretary of
State Madeleine Albright called for
an emergency meeting of United
Nations ambassadors today in New
York, just so she could kick every
male world leader in the shins once.
“It’s completely necessary to
world peacekeeping,” she said.
“Male leaders don’t think a woman
in a skirt can inflict pain upon their
countries, so they’re almost impossi
ble to reckon with. With one kick
from me, they’ll behave themselves.
“Until then, they are, plain and
simple, a bunch of old crotchety
fools with tremendous egos who
could use a good, swift kick in the
shins. They’re lucky I didn’t choose
a more useftil body part.”
British Prime Minister Tony
Blair quickly commissioned a
British government jet to make the
trip.
“If America wants to kick every
other world leader in the shins, I as a
Briton stand behind that 100 per
cent,” Blair said. “It’s a duty of world
superpowers. A couple of centuries
ago, it would have been the British
monarch doing the kicking, and that
would have been OK.”
Blair said he would also approve
of Albright cutting off one of each
male leaders’ toes, and perhaps more
if Saddam Hussein attended.
Hussein, however, announced on
Iraqi television that he wouldn’t
attend, because the United States
was weak and none of its leaders
would follow through on a threat to
kick his shins.
Hussein press conferences
now to be shot from waist
up only
BAGHDAD - In an unusual dis
play of self-realization, Saddam
Hussein announced Wednesday on
Iraqi television, “I’ve decided to stop
starving little children, and I just
want to be loved. Is that so wrong?”
He then broke into a heart
wrenching impromptu of Elvis
Presley, saying: “I just want to be
your te-ed-dy bear.”
Iraqi citizens responded by
parading through the streets with
giant pictures of their leader, shoot
ing guns into the air, burning the
American flag and just generally
taking care of business.
Members of the NATO thought
they should bomb the country before
Saddam became too adorable and
teen girls - especially white girls -
started swooning with every move of
his hips.
“The Western nations whole
heartedly reject the notion that a
leader who isn’t white could have the
popularity of the King,” a statement
said.
Welcome, my friends, to the
Port of Nevada
The state of California fell into
the ocean on Wednesday when all
computers were turned forward in a
statewide Y2K test and everything
failed massively.
“Oh shit,” said President Bill
Clinton, “guess that was a bad idea,
huh?”
The fatalities, however, were
considered to be minimal, as many
of the citizens bobbed to the surface,
their air-filled heads sustaining their
buoyancy. “Like, wow!” said one cit
izen, identified only as Muffy. “This
is totally cool.”
In theory, the March 31 test of
California's computer systems was
supposed to discover any remaining
bugs in the system. What started as a
relatively simple test turned into a
severe disaster, however.
As all the clocks were set for
ward, the power grid in Los Angeles
shut down, thus setting off a night
marish chain reaction that set water
pumps firing water deep into the
ground. This caused a major rift on
the San Andreas Fault, which then
splintered the state and shuffled it
into the Pacific Ocean.
In its place, however, the states
of Arizona, Oregon and Nevada are
thrilled about all the new beachfront
property. Donald Trump quickly
issued a reaction: “Hell, son, the
value of Vegas just shot through the
roof!”
V
Wee man
receives
wee key
CHAINSAW from page 1
called the event a success and said
future plans could include giving a
key to the city to other leprechauns,
including Tam O’Shanter and the lit
tle leprechauns that jump out of
Lucky Charms cereal boxes.
Baldridge said that was a really,
really groovy idea.
“They are so funny, man. You
should totally come over and play
with them.”
Wack-ass
MCs to feel
tha fin pain
BOWLING from page 1
But Casady said the real problem
with these MCs is all the related
offenses that come with their perfor
mances.
“When one of these guys gets up
on stage, all hell breaks loose,”
Casady said.
Police cited people at the perfor
mance for public stupidity, indecent
exposure by way of baggy pants,
resisting common sense, blasphemy
and insulting a cop’s mother.
Evidence was also seized from the
MCs including turntables, mixing
boards, bottles of ‘Old E’ malt liquor
and stacks of wax.
Police coordinated their efforts
with university officials to help elimi
nate these MCs on campus.
“This was a conscious and coordi
nated effort with Lincoln Police,” said
James Griesen, vice chancellor for
student affairs (and misaffairs).
Griesen said these performers
keep students from learning.
/‘(The university and police) have
to Work together to diminish the MCs,
not jjust move them,” Griesen said.
“These guys are wacked and have no
place on the stage or at this universi
ty”
If anybody’s
left, all streets
are one-way
RHUBARB from page 1
The council then promptly OK’d
the measure and declared all roads
immediately one-way westbound,
through theHaymarket and all the way
to Seward.
The council had planned to vote to
postpone a vote until hell froze over.
The council decided to take action on
the vote not to take action, and had
planned to pass a temporary resolution
to resolve nothing.
But then, minutes after breaking its
six-week inaction streak by approving
Wrenholdt’s one-way proposal, the
council also voted 4-3 to purchase and
install, at great expense, large wrought
iron “You Are Here” signs on all the
lamp posts in the 014 Market
Haymarket area.
“People get lost in the Old Market
Haymarket,” said Cecil Steward, city
planning commission member and
dean of University of Nebraska
Lincoln’s College of Architecture, one
of the team who came up with the two-,
way P Street idea in the first place. “We
just want them to know they are not
entirety lost”
In other council news:
■ Interim Mayor Dale Young
announced his plan to submerge the
Remodeled City County building in
mayonnaise.
■ The council voted unanimously
to adopt Goo Gone as the city^s official
lubricant