SPORTS
Pretend it’s news
Sure, there are real problems in the world. But
why can’t the damned Cubs win the pennant?
How ‘bout them Lakers? PAGE 7
A & E
Virtual scene
Why even bother pretending that Lincoln has
anything worthwhile? Move to Chicago, or even
Omaha. Jesus H. Christ. PAGE 9
April 1, 1999
Get at Me, Dog
Rainy as hell, higher than hejljpnight, dark as hell.
All streets to go one way, out of town
■ ‘That oughta settle the
fickle bastards,’ sez City
Council, as re-routed
traffic streams lemming
like toward certain death.
By Hal Daub
Staph infection
The Lincoln City Council broke its
six-week streak of inaction Wednesday
and voted to make all roads one-way out
^of Lincoln, channeled through the
Haymaiket, in order to create a new cen
ter commerce.
/renholt, a P Street business
owner and the most active figure in last
year’s fight to reconfigure P Street back
to one-way traffic, led the effort
Flushed with his success, Wrenholt,
who city council members have begun
referring to as “Johnny Eastbound” and
whose bid for mayor has received sup
port form political pundits like the T
shirt guy and that guy who smells like
cabbage, said making all roads one-way
out of Lincoln was a solution to traffic
problems, lagging downtown com
merce and a lack of parking in the Old
Market Haymarket.
“The Old Market Haymarket is the
oldest market, the hay-iest market in
Lincoln. It’s the marketplace that - well,
where else are people going to eat? It’s a
tradition. It’s for the kids.”
The 100 percent one-way move was
supported by Lincoln police on the
grounds that fewer accidents would
result in town, particularly in inclement
weather.
“When it’s slick outside, you can’t
stop too fucking good,” said Police
Captain Dave Beggs.
Debate was heated between one
wayers and two-wayers. Some whc
wanted to speak stood in lines and hac
to race to the microphone, sometimes
running into each other, as speaking
time was at a premium.
Some citizens put forth pity pleas
such as, “But if I’m headed one-way oui
of town, I will never see my wife anc
children again.”
But after 8/2 hours of testimonj
from one-way naysayers C-PUD
Citizens for the Plowing Under 0]
Downtown, all those opposing the move
were silenced by postal workers whc
supported the one-way plan anc
appeared quite disgruntled.
“We were afraid, if we piped uf
again, they’d shoot our opposition tc
hell,” C-PUD leaders said.
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" HamFi t
MARK BALDRIDGE gazes in wide wonder at the key to the City of Lincoln. Although teh significance of the
key was lost on Baldridge, he was fascinated by its shiny surface.
Area leprechaun gets wee key
By Krispy Kreme
’99 Key to the City recipient
On behalf of the mayor, two UPC representatives
presented a key to the city to Daily Nebraskan colum
nist and staff leprechaun Mark Baldridge, who has
never played in a Grammy-nominated band before, but
really likes the idea.
Baldridge sends a great message to Generation
Xers, representatives said, because he claims he does
n’t use drugs and his musical talent could hold togeth
er a pretty serious game of musical chairs.
Giving him the key would also draw media atten
tion, representatives said. To the best of their knowl
edge, Lincoln would be the first city worldwide to give
its key to a wack-ass leprechaun impersonator who
brags about having grade-A equipment “down there.”
Baldridge, on loan from the Lincoln Regional
Center, was presented with the key onstage.
Audience members called him excited, yet a bit
bewildered by the presentation.
“A key to the city? I wouldn’t give me a key to my
room at the Regional Center!” Baldridge said upon
receiving the key.
After giving props to their ffat bruthas, presenters
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When you’re done looking at pom sites, read the Daily Halfasskin on the World Wide Web at dailyneb.com, you mother-grabbin’ homball bastards
The Big Lebowski/DH
Traffic makes Its way out of town. (Make sure you cut out tho guy on the
right, ‘cause he’s dead now.)
Casady to wack-ass
MCs: check yo’selves
By Newt Gingrich
Wack-ass cracker
Local rappers trying to fake the
funk should beware because that a DJ
spinning their tracks may be a cop,
Lincoln Police Chief Tom Casady
said.
Wednesday police announced a
new special enforcement policy on
wannabe rappers who just can’t hang.
“They may be wannabe rappers,”
Casady said. “But if a couple of
wannabe MCs get together with a
wannabe DJ, you get some wannabe
wack-ass flow gettin’ dropped.”
Casady said that after police party
enforcement efforts had eliminated
alcohofat^u local parties, they decid
ed to crack down on the wackety
entertainment available in this town.
“Since the Vanilla Ice concert,
Lincoln has seen an influx of these no
talent MCs,” Casady said. “We have to
put a stop to this high-risk entertain
ment.”
Lincoln Police are sending offi
cers undercover posing as DJs and
rappers to infiltrate the groups.
Last weekend police cited 76
would-be rap stars for spinning in pub
lic, flowing without rhyme and main
taining a disorderly performance.
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