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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (March 24, 1999)
Home sweet home
Rabid dogs, starry nights shouldn't be taken for granted '
ERIN REITZ is a senior
major and a Daily
Well, we’re all back from spring
break, and I am guaranteeing you that
what I’m about to say will make you
writhe in jealousy.
I had a break sent from heaven
above. I saw beaches and mountains
and everything in between. I sunned
myself all day long and partied like a
rock star all night.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I spent
my week away from scholarly insani
ty in beautiful, sunny, booze-filled
North Platte, Nebraska.
Well, except for everything about
surf and ski slopes. And partying like
Ted Kennedy. And having a break
sent from heaven.
But it wasn’t all bad. In fact, it
was a little interesting.
North Platte interesting? Okay,
not really. It’s where I’ve spent the
majority of my life so far, though, and
I’ve come to find it more amusing
than a lot of places I’ve been.
(I only regret that I had to leave
before the gun and knife fair hap
pened. I miss that cultural showcase
every time. I know -1 got teary-eyed,
It’s a well known fact that, after
moving away, your hometown will
become infinitely more interesting
than it ever was when you lived there.
Things change that you never thought
Really, who would have predicted
that my favorite Chinese restaurant
would now have colored Christmas
lights around its sign? You can just
smell the progress, can’t you? (Or is
that tiie moo goo gai pan? I can never
I actually have a tough time find
ing my way around town now, and I
feel like an idiot. So many buildings
have changed their purposes that I
have no idea where anything is.
For example, the local mortuary is
now a used car lot/sensual massage
parlor/taco stand. (Thank goodness
they found a use for all of those left
over tables, huh?) Figure that one out.
I wanted to stop by while I was home,
but I was too busy dodging rabid
Chihuahuas in Stapleton.
Yes indeed, it wasn’t just North
Platte that I got to spend quality time
in this Spring Break I also got to
work at my Dad’s clinic in that quirky
little town. And it is in the lovely vil
lage of Stapleton, Nebraska that the
Main Street Chihuahuas strike terror
in the hearts of men. (Or just me.
Yeah, just me.)
These adorable little doggies
could rip your leg off just by glancing
(I know you think I’m kidding.
Just pray that you’ll never be subject
to their wrath.)
Outside of the killer Chihuahuas,
I find Stapleton to be absolutely
insane. Arid I love it.
I mean, where else but small town
western Nebraska can you find an
“Eat Red Meat” billboard stuck right
in the middle of a cow pasture? Yeah,
There seems to be an inherent
quirkiness associated with smaller
towns that I just can’t get enough of.
For instance, I love the fact that the
now-defunct cafe used to be staffed
by a woman whose main delight was
serving imaginary birthday cake to
the customers. (Nothing wrong with a
little imagination, people.)
Unfortunately they’re closed now,
but I’m sure another little bit of luna
cy will soon move into their place.
And I can’t wait.
For as much as I complain about
my hometown and western Nebraska
in general, I really do love it.
Maybe it’s because I can appreci
ate die fact that there’s nothing quite
like a western plains sunset. Or that a
com field about two blocks from my
house is an annual migration stop for
the sandhill cranes. Or that by step
ping into my backyard I can see all
the stars at night.
It’s easy to take it for granted
when you have it every day.
Because of my major, I want to
move to a place like New York or
Chicago, but I know I’ll always have
an itch to be back in the Sandhills.
Call me a hick, I don’t care. I just
know how to appreciate what’s
around me, and if appreciating com
fields and cows makes me a hick, so
So here’s to you, western
Nebraska. The birthday cake lady, the
rabid Chihuahuas, the doomed cows
in the pasture, the folks going to the
gun and knife fair; I love ya. I love
you all. You’re keeping it real. (I’m
not totally sure what that means, but
you’re doing it.)
Now pass me a taco. It’s almost
time for my massage.
Plans unveiled to weed non-honors students out of university
J. J. HARDER is a senior
political science and broad
casting major and a Daily
In a long-expected move,
Chancellor James Moeser announced
today that the University of Nebraska
Lincoln will make yet another
improvement to its honors program.
UNL is becoming an all-honors
Beginning the first semester of the
1999-2000 academic year, only stu
dents who meet the requirements of
the honors program will be admitted as
“We’ve been waiting for this
change for a long time,” Moeser said.
“It will finally help us get competitive
with other schools in the nation.
Really, how long did you think we
could accept every idiot from Gering
anyhow? We can’t be expected to
baby-sit these Nebraska losers when
we could be bringing in the geniuses
from the coasts!”
The administration has come to the
conclusion that this all-honors change
is the only real way to increase acade
mic rigor. Honors Program Director
Patrice Berger said the program has
been implementing gradual changes
the last few years.
“Well, every friggin’ dorm has like
nine or 10 honors floors by now any
way,” Berger said. “We might as well
kick the slow kids out altogether. And
what about that new dorm - wasn’t
that some kind of clue? Pretty soon all
the dorms will be honors, and yes,
they’ll be connected by a massive tun
nel system for late-night studying or
whatever it is those geeks do.”
Moeser noted flat increased acad
emic requirements will obviously be
an important facet of the new honors
university. Currently the honors aver
age ACT score is 30.7, and the stu
dents are graduating from the top 10
percent of their high school classes.
“30.7! I got a 33 when I was in
sixth grade,” Moeser said. “We’re not
taking anything under a 35, no ques
tions asked. Those 27s and 28s from
Wahoo or wherever can go to Kearney
for their degrees. More Comhusker
dummies will not help the university’s
status, which means less money.
Green. Moola. Ya hearin’ me?”
Moeser’s advisers assure him the
new requirements will increase rev
enue for the university. The elevated
academics should ensure more
research grants and fellowships.
“Listen, baby. I’m not just rollin’
dice here,” Moeser said. “We’re
playin’ the numbers straight up -
smarter students equals more cash
The move to an all-honors format
will almost definitely decrease the size
of the university as well, which is
encouraged by many taxpayers.
Speaker of the Nebraska State
Legislature Doug Kristensen believes
the unicameral will also welcome the
“We’re all tired of explaining tax
increases for this university to our con
stituencies. No one in Minden even
cares about UNL,” Kristensen said.
“Hey, my kids are going Ivy League.
No offense, Jimbo.”
Since the new standards will mearr
accepting fewer Nebraska residents,
other institutions of higher education
will be vying for the newfound pletho
ra of potential collegians. Southeast
Community College President Jack
Huck believes his Lincoln campus will
definitely benefit from the change.
“Ex-UNL students will be flocking
to SCC by the dormload. We’ll have
more refugees than Miami,” Huck
said. “And our athletics are really
going to skyrocket. No way will those
football players be able to hack it at
UNL. Half of them probably didn’t
even take their own ACTs in the first
place. I’ve got two words for you -
Southeast Huskers. We’re renting
Seacrest Field and bringing Osborne
out of retirement. That’s right, it’s D-1.
Bowden, Spurrier, they don’t want any
The NU Board of Regents also
hopes to snare some of the UNL
dropouts. At the next meeting, they are
expected to announce the formation of
the University of Nebraska-West O
“We’re breaking ground in the
parking lot behind Big Red Keno,” NU
Regent Nancy O’Brien said. “With
apy luck, we’ll expand to the Congress
Inn by 2010.”
-/ West O extension courses may also
be offered on the existing UNL cam
“They can use all of those East
Campus tractor bams any way they
want,” Chancellor Moeser said. “And I
think we’ll be able to spare that one
building where we hid all those
Chancellor David Hibler hopes to
appeal to the common student
“We’re going to redefine average
here,” Hibler said. “An honors student
will stick out worse than a midget in a
Big & Tall store.”
Chancellor Moeser said the key to
the new all-honors university will be
the graduation requirements.
“All right big daddy, pay atten
tion,” Moeser said. “It doesn’t matter
what they do after they’re admitted, as
long as those high school resumes look
good. For all I care they can get a 2.0,
major in fine food and wine, and write
a thesis on the impact of that rock
sauna we call a fountain.”
All students will graduate with
honors after finishing their respective
degree programs. The only real
requirement is the completion of
three honors credit
entitled “The Politics of Honors 101:
Shafting the Common Student.”
A small opposition to the honors
implementation has mounted, being
headed by Sen. Ernie Chambers, of
“This is a state university,”
Chambers said. “UNL should be serv
ing the average Nebraskans first, not
raising the standards for these suckas
“Land-grant, schmand grant!”
Moeser said. “It’s the elite of the elite,
baby! Put it on bumper stickers and
write it on your Christmas cards ’cause
it’s the phrase that pays. I’m the king of
the world and Nebraska is my court
jester. I have as much compassion for
this state as Danny Nee has coaching
talent. Hey, I’m just here to make
money and make us nationally
Editors note: The quotes and
interviews contained in this column
are fictional and created by the
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