I
Diary of a trip reveals memories ofFrisbee, beads, and oh yeah... drinking
TODD MUNSON is a
senior broadcasting major
and a Daily Nebraskan
columnist.
Today, I really wanted to use my
allotted space to show that the hole
in the ozone layer could be repaired
by using duct tape crafted from a
new space-age polymer I invented.
But alas, I went to an Ultimate
Frisbee tournament at Louisiana
State University last weekend, which
happened to be during March Gras,
and now I can’t remember how the
polymers fit together.
So, in lieu of saving the world, I’d
like to rot your minds with selected
highlights from the aforementioned
weekend as recorded in my official
UNL Ultimate Frisbee team log
book.
Maybe one of y’all can figure out
where my brain went bye-bye.
Thursday, Feb. 11
2:45 p.m. Rup picks up the van!
4:35 p.m. Everyone is here but
Munson.
5:14 p.m. Depart one minute
ahead of Rup’s E.T.D.
5:15 p.m. Munson already
startin’ trouble and spouting words
o’ wisdom while munchin’ Krispy
Kremes.
5:47 p.m. All-van chat: Why are
there spoons in Lunchables? Don’t
those kids know how to do Jell-O
shots?
6:01 p.m. Van captain reads
Hustler while navigator steers.
7:25 p.m. A debate ensues on
whether the DeLorean in “Back to
the Future” really needed a
speedometer in order for the flux
capacitor to work.
8:11 p.m. Scheming for chicks
has begun. Will Munson elevate his
status from Snapper to Toro? Not
likely.
8:26 p.m. Why does the youngest
player have a whole seat to himself?
10:04 p.m. A successful on-the
fly driver switch is completed, and
Jud anoints himself punk-bitch.
10:18 p.m. Boozer ignites a
testosterone battle over how to crush
a can. Is he a closet meathead?
10:43 p.m. Must stop soon.
Several well-hydrated ultimate play
ers are going ballistic anticipating a
bathroom.
Friday, Feb. 12
12:23 a.m. Backwoods county
sheriff pulls us over moments after
Fishbone realized he was doing 61
mph in a 45. Could spell trouble, but
he lets us go. This is a good sign.
2:17 a.m. Gas. Sean logic: Isn’t it
great that a nonrenewable resource
costs 83 cents a gallon, while a gal
| Ion of milk costs $2.25?
8:38 a.m. Todd says, “Maybe the
van is out of gas.”
9 a.m. Van 797 is a big-time
P.O.S. checked for comfort (unless
you’re over 6’ 1”), safety (whoIs dri
ving?) and convenience (stalled at
backwoods Texaco).
10:37 a.m. Van back in order for
an hour. The yell and swerve prank is
executed. Everyone except Boozer
(go figure) sits up quite startled.
11:24 a.m. Swamp, swamp and
more swamp.
12:15 a.m. Arrive at LSU.
5:17 p.m. Get into a showdown
with some junior-high
gangstas for playing disc
on their turf. We hold
our ground, dodge ^
rocks and then
The Man comes
along. Not just
any man, but
Max Power,
sheriff of Baton
1 Parish. The
Man with the
tan car.
5:38 p.m.
Start the festivi
ties early and
take advantage of
two-for-one
daiquiris at
Lakeside Daiquiris
Good thing they have
All-Sport ones,
because as UNL repre
sentatives, we should
n’t drink.
7:15 p.m. Meet the
man, the myth, the leg
end, “Voodoo Dave.” He |
invites us to stay on his
land, where we can start
a bonfire, carouse with 15
hookers and shoot bats out of his
trees. Voodoo blows our minds by
throwing a Frisbee across the park
ing lot with his foot. Wow! And that’s
before we watch him grind his old
lady.
11 p.m. Party going full steam.
Rupert is named the official king of
Mardi Gras. Todd pimps Junior out
and the little freshman shows poise
beyond belief as he makes out with
not one but four, yes four, women
from George Washington University.
Sean Van declines a visit to the ladies
room with a fly biddie because he’s a
boy and boys can’t go to the ladies
room. With that, he earns a nick
name: D.I.G.
12 a.m. Party’s over. Andy just
puked in a broom
closet. .
One
- too
many crawdads. We set off to find
lodging and decide die parking lot of
the Baton Rouge Horse Activity
Center is a mighty fine place to
sleep. Sean and Lawrence cuddle.
D.I.G. professes his love to us all.
Saturday, Feb. 13
9 a.m. Time for disc. Aww, yeah,
it’s gonna be a good day indeed.
11:50 a.m. Boat race revenge
complete. UNL-13, Maryland-4.
1 p.m. A successful working of
the party crowd nets a Nebraska
groupie.
1:08 p.m. Todd = master of mas
sage, erotica and sports.
4:30 p.m. A glorious day of
Ultimate Frisbee. UNL is 3-and-0.
7:45 p.m. After poaching show
ers at an RV park, we pick up the
George Washington U. ladies and
head to Mardi Gras.
10:15 p jn. We hit Bourbon
Street, where the boobs start a-flop
pin’. We score some All-Sport hurri
canes, and the GWU ladies get a bit
feisty and earn tons of beads. GWU
women
rule!
Sunday, Feb. 14
1:30 a.m. Leave Mardi Gras
scarred for life. D.I.G. becomes a
man, and we head back to home
sweet parking lot
12 p.m. It’s high noon, and UNUs
reign of dominance ends at the hand
of Winona State University. See
where Bourbon Sheet gets ya? We
finished 11th out of 38 college
teams. The trip back to Nebraska is
moments away.
4:30 p.m. Watch the couple in the
car in front of us make out for 30
miles before they exit the highway.
6:35 p.m. Poop declares anyone
who just bought a foot-long tuna at
Subway is dumb. A six-inch was
$1.99, but a foot-long was $4.19.
Munson bought a foot-long.
9:15 p.m. Junior dreams of the
GWU ladies and has pleasant
thoughts of becoming a living leg
end.
Monday, Feb. 15
12:38T a.m. The home stretch.
Fishbone hits a skunk. That hoser.
2:26 a.m. Sean is dubbed “team
ho-bag” as he cuddles with Rup.
7:45 a.m. Almost home, but the
worst is yet to come. Andy just got
behind the wheel.
9:30 a.m. With the penis of the
plains in sight, Rup tries to rally the
troops for a trip to the Canadian bor
der to get the most use from the van.
There are no takers.
10:05 a.m. The Ultimate gods
must love us. We arrive in the Star
City just in time for class - or for
Old Style, disc golf
©and reflecting on
the mammaries -
uh- memories
of the week
O end.
Pay-per-screw
_Cable deregulation should not be considered until industry is competitive
MATT PETERSON is a
senior English and news
editorial major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist.
Last month, I had cable installed
in my apartment for the low, low price
of $24.79 - a bargain considering a
cable guy had to come to my home,
shimmy up a pole, flip a switch and
hook a coaxial cable into the back of
my TV ... all of which took about 10
minutes.
As a follow-up to this costly
house call, I received a thank-you let
ter from Sharon - I’m not sure who
she is, but she signed her name and,
according to the send-off, was being
sincere - thanking me for choosing
her cable company as my “entertain
ment and information provider.”
Unfortunately, I never really had a
choice in die matter.
In most small to mid-sized mar
kets like Lincoln, cable service is an
institutionalized monopoly restrained
by government regulations. Indeed,
the cable industry has operated under
the largely indifferent eye of the
Federal Communications
Commission for most of cable’s 30
years.
In larger markets, telephone com
panies - the only other industry with a
comparable, hardwire network - have
given cable a run for its money, dri
ving prices down and quality up.
But in this college town, where
the telephone company is satisfied
with its own monopoly and die viabil
ity of mounting a satellite dish on the
porch of an apartment is unrealistic,
cable has an effective stranglehold on
TV service.
The FCC has found the regulation
of an industry with such rapid growth
and changing technology to be a
daunting task. Quality and growth are
often compromised through regula
tion, and considering the fact that the
regulated company has better access
to information on costs and demand
than the regulators, this task may well
be impossible.
But against the public’s better
interests, the FCC took the place typi
cally reserved for open-market com
petition, maintaining rural cable ser
vice through urban subsidization.
By the end of next month, howev
er, cable’s less-than-vigilant watchdog
will move on to the next hydrant, and
the industry will be deregulated.
The Telecommunications Act of
1996 set the deregulation date for
March 31,1999, anticipating that
competition would provide a better
restraint on cable prices.
But competition is hardly perva
sive, and deregulation should not be
considered an option until it is eco
nomically viable for other companies
to enter an already well-established
market. Any self-respecting capitalist
will argue that encouraging competi
tion through regulation is an oxy
moron, but such action is a necessary
evil in this case.
Twenty years of regulation have
precluded competition in most mar
kets. After a year without government
regulation, cable prices could sky
rocket and rural service could become
obsolete.
Proponents of an open market
would argue that communications
technology is rapidly advancing and
should not be stifled by regulation.
Integrated telephone, cable and
Internet service could be a reality
within a decade.
But deregulation will put cable
and telephone companies in an ideal
position to control that digital future;
the Telecommunications Act also
repealed the ban on cross-ownership
between telephone and cable compa
nies.
I would like to believe that cable
and telephone companies would be
unwilling to share die plunder
through merger, and the developing
rivalry between these two industries,
which now offer many of the same
services, seems to affirm this reluc
tance.
But once the competition these
industries pose to each other is elimi
nated, the door is open for mass
media cartels to completely control
prices and, more importantly, the dis
semination of information.
This is a doomsday premonition,
to be sure, and if such a threat is
posed by cross-ownership, the gov
ernment is likely to simply reinstate
ineffectual regulation and, thereby,
continue to stifle the telecommunica
tions industry.
Aside from declaring cable and
telephone lines public property like
radio and TV airwaves, the solution is
to encourage competition and rein
state the ban on cross-ow nership.
Because an upstart cable company
can’t afford to lay down 100,000
miles of fiber-optic lines in order to
compete with an established compa
ny, the next phase of regulation
should dictate cooperation rather than
constraint to promote competition.
Perhaps the government could
consider subsidizing the construction
and encouraging the co-ownership of
networks, allowing new companies to
piggy-back the fiber optics of estab
lished cable companies.
Considering the rapid advance
ment of this industry, however, any
solution would have to be transitory
in nature, and a whole new bureaucra
cy might be necessary to coordinate
the effort.
To think, it could have all been
avoided had competition rather than
regulation been the policy in the first
place.
The mistake will cost more than
10 minutes and $24.79 to remedy.