Friends in low places
_Toilet trouble brings appreciation of true comradeship
TODD MUNSON is a senior
broadcasting major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist
I was stuck on the toilet the other
day.
Don’t laugh - it isn’t funny.
It was in a public restroom.
Shudder. But at least I was stuck in my
favorite public restroom, if there is
such a thing as a favorite public
restroom.
Normally, being stuck on the toilet
isn’t so bad if you’re at home with a
well-worn “Sports Illustrated,” but I
was experiencing the major predica
ment of using a public restroom:
There’s just one toilet and many people
want to use it.
bo there 1 am, stuck on the hopper
at the mercy of gravity hoping that a
magical fairy would bring me a spoon.
As the knocking at the door grew even
more intense, it finally hits me; there is
indeed a meaning to die painting on the
wall.
“A Friend in Need” is its tide and
for the longest time, I just thought it
was some dogs sitting around playing a
game of poker. I guess I didn’t ever
spend enough time on the can, because
at this juncture, I realized that one of
the dogs was slipping a needed ace to
the dog next to him. Wow. What a cool
dog, losing that hand (would it be
paw?) just so his colleague could win.
Perhaps the winning dog would split
the prof ts with his partner in crime.
Perhaps he’d take the money and run.
Either way, the display of friend
ship depicted in that scene really got to
me, and it wasn’t just because I was
gritting my teeth and pushing really
hard.
Those dogs really got me thinking
about the coolest people in the world -
my friends. Not to be smug or anything
but I say they’re the coolest people in
the world because, next to my strand of
41 chromosomes, they play the biggest
role in shaping who I am.
However, in my mind’s eye, I’ve
been a pretty lame friend. Lately, I’ve
been relying on the “bump into them”
method, which means that contact with
many good friends has been reduced to
sending them inane e-mail forwards a
couple of times a week. What really
makes me feel guilty is that many of
these people live just across town, not
in some far-away land.
When I think of my friends, really
goofy thoughts pop into my head. I
also think about how a good friend is
there not only as a conspirator, but as
someone who offers those little intan
gibles that an average acquaintance
couldn’t offer, such as throwing a blan
ket over you when you pass out on
their front lawn.
Or stop laughing long enough to
drive you to the hospital after you
break your collarbone in a futile
attempt at getting big air.
Even worse than that, after that
same friend who drove you to the hos
pital, fractures his skull and loses his
tooth in a horrible wood chopping acci
dent, all he does is brand the friend
who did the damage with the nickname
! “Ax Master.”
And I guess a friend is the kind of
person who doesn’t punch you in the
nose after you hit him in the eye with a
snow ball.
Only mends would have the ability
to bring you eye-to-eye with death and
pestilence, and make you like it; case
in point - dragging you out on an epic
mountain bike ride that tops out at
almost 11,000 feet.
Aside from being good people to
maim and abuse, when I think of
friends, I think of people who
believe a round of kamikazes will
brighten up any dull situation.
They also never turn down a
trip to The Dubliner.
They also like to corrupt
your education, especially
when they show up at your
door the eve of a big test with
a pair of Stars tickets - and
the icing on the cake, the
promise of free beer.
, When it comes to parties,
especially birthdays, friends
are the kind of people who
think setting a completely
soused lesbian loose at The
Foxy Lady with a fist full of dol
lars is a mighty fine way to help her
celebrate her 21st birthday.
They also know that, whenever
possible, no 21st birthday is over until
people have run naked through a
Waffle House parking lot
And if they can’t make it to your
birthday, they’ll send you chocolate
chip cookies.
Or to cheer you up, they’ll go
through the trouble of calling your
mother to see what your favorite sweets
are.
Speaking of cheer, only a friend
could dole out such fine relationship
advice such as “Just hope she gets it
from a lot of guys. Then she’ll know
how good you were, yep.”
Then, when she does “get if’ from
someone other yourself, they’re always
willing to assign that former special
someone a derogatory nickname based
on their most personal secrets.
When you finally find a new spe
cial someone, they’re always willing to
jump on the proverbial grenade and
endure a double date with her annoying
friend.
Speaking of special someones,
there will always be some areas where
they can never replace your friends.
Such as going to wait in line for the
first showing of the Star Wars re
release at 7:30 in the morn
ing.
Or picking you
up at 5:30 for a
KISS show that
starts
p.m.
in
Kansas City.
They’re also good for such mis
chievous acts as going to campus at
three in the morning to draw chalk
body outlines at every emergency
phone, complete with fake blood
Things get a little silly with friends
though, especially when you haven’t
seen each other in a long time. You
know it’s been a really long time when
that reunion results in such wild
carousing that you end up at Shakers
only to watch your friend get slapped
by a waitress for giggling at the naked
women.
You also know that it’s been too
long when you go to the video store
and you both dart over to “The Big
Lebowski” and ask, “Seen this yet?”
Even family can’t stand in for
friends. When you only have two tick
ets to the Beastie Boys and your guest
has to be either a cousin or a friend,
naturally, you pick your friend.
When family is involved, though,
friends know that in order to make
advance’s towards a buddy’s sister, one
must offer something of equal value up
in trade, such as their attractive mother.
Friends also don’t hold grudges.
Eighteen years after you shoved her in
the grossest funk pond imaginable, as a
way of showing your affection, only a
friend would still admit to being your
kindergarten love.
And most importantly, a true friend
would let you do your business in
peace.
For crying out load doesn’t tliat
jackass know I’ll be done in a minute?
| Matt Haney/DN
I’m floored
Housing should figure out students’ real ‘special interests’
i i_i
KASEY KERBER is a senior
news-editorial major and a
Daily Nebraskan colum
nist
If you walk into UNDs residence
halls, you can find plenty of special
interest floors.
Floors for people who only want
12-hour visitation. Floors for engineer
ing students. Floors for students inter
ested in journalism. Floors for students
who want to do community service.
And floors for students that desire a
“healthy lifestyle.”
That’s right, more floors than you
can probably count on both hands
(even while drunk).
But why stop? Let’s create floors
for students who collect movie stubs!
Floors for students who never got the
really expensive toys as kids! Heck,
let’s create the First floor in history for
students that are avid Pro Wrestling
fans.
After all, what could bring a floor
together more than watching Disco
Inferno and Raven hit each other over
the head with card tables?
One can never have too many spe
cial-interest floors, right?
Wrong.
I won’t hesitate in saying that the
housing department has gone too far
with the number and variety of floors it
forced on students last year.
I use the phrase “forced on”
because students had no chance to
voice input on the floors that would be
created, if any at all.
And when students are given no
voice as to what they are interested in,
you’ve got a mess that looks some
thing like the leftovers from an Eskimo
seal hunt.
Take my dorm, for example -
Pound Hall.
Once upon a time Pound had a
handful of special-interest floors, most
notably smoke-free floors.
Now half of the 12 floors are spe
cial interest. We have two business
floors, two healthy-lifestyle floors, and
two community-service floors.
Throw in smoke-free floors and
only two floors, Pound 10 and 11, are
free from being designated as some
thing special-interest. That means if
you’re a guy or girl smoker, you have
only one floor to live on.
About a dozen guys and myself
(some of whom are smokers) had to
move four stories up just to get away
from these floors. Needless to say we
weren’t too keen on what was soon-to
become the “healthy-lifestyle” floor
(unless nutritionists reconsider the
nourishing value of Pizza Hut).
And my hall isn’t the only one.
Plenty of halls became guinea pigs to
new and exciting special-interest
floors...
... Plenty of which have already
fallen on their faces.
Once again, I’ll mention Pound
Hall. The two community-service
floors in my dorm have done no com
munity-service projects. The healthy
lifestyle floors have done no special
activities based on their special-inter
est floor status. And the business floors
were supposed to run the Pub. But you
guessed it - that never happened.
Even Housing admits it made a
mistake.
Director of Housing Doug
Zatechka said at the Jan. 24 Residence
Hall Association meeting that he
thought there were “too many floors”
and suspected that they might be
“scaled back.”
Well, I have a challenge for
Zatechka and anyone else in Housing
involved with the decision to create,
destroy or maintain special-interest
floors:
Talk to the students you ’re actually
trying to help.
I think it’s really a decent concept
to create special-interest floors. It’s
admirable, even. But to not even ask
the students currently* living on the
floors what they think about them
makes my blood boil hotter than 30
gallons of Taco Bell “Fire” sauce.
However, the administration is not
all to blame. We students let the issue
get swept under the rug right in front of
our faces last year.
But not this year.
This year, if you’re a student, take
an interest and make the administra
tion listen. Set up a forum on this,
write a few e-mails to your hall offi
cers or contact RHA’s Residential
Enhancement Committee.
Why?
Because not all of us enjoy being a
part of a “community” we didn’t even
create. Or being short-changed by
floors that aren’t even doing what they
were supposed to do.
Some of our “special interests” go
far beyond what those not even living
in the halls decided they would be.
And it’s time for both sides to
understand that ,