Vanilla Ice “Hard to Swallow” Republic Records Grade: F Yo Vanilla, DON’T kick it one time boyeeeeee. Yep, he did it He’s actually back. That funky white boy who amazed America with his stirring tales from the streets of Miami is back in full effect well, minus the hair and those obnox ious pants. He’s back with 13 tracks of his hardest and heaviest work yet, not that that is saying much. Basically, the Iceman is “tough” now and has, accord ing to all the press, invented this new sound that’s “not rock and roll, it’s not heavy metal, it’s not hip-hop.” What is it? Crap. • - Imagine some of Korn or the Deftones’ most mundane songs, layer Vanilla’s lyrical gibberish over it, and you have Vanilla Ice’s new album, aptly titled “Hard to Swallow.” The entire album is a joke and will spur more guf faws than Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy album. From beginning to end, it’s a lesson in mainstream mediocrity, and the sad thing is that it will probably be a hit in a week, and you won’t be able to drive past a car wash on O Street without hearing die Iceman bumping away. I Of course that scenario could be, quite wrong. According to the firl^ song, “Lrring;”-on “Hardto SuaUoa^ j the Iceman lets everyone know that “Sucka’s keep sinking in my quick sand” Right He follows that cheesy, bassed-out Korn rip-off with an account of his messed-up childhood called “Scars,” in which he laments his fatherless upbringing and how he’s going to be true to his family. He’s a tough family man rapper guy now, and that isn’t more apparent than in the song “F— Me.” : The song is very slow and moody with - Iptfe just spy - less thp original dig[it^t eljfects. It has, of^ourse, the everpresent heavy^stosied bass line with-a slow and sparse shallow snare rap. It’s riddled with obviously placed crescendos and is ultimately very typi cal. The song gets pretty funny when this guy’s voice comes through saying “F— Vanilla Ice! He sucks, he eats shit!” and what does the Iceman say, “I hope you got more shit than that, you weak muthaf—r.” The song ends with people yelling a bunch of cuss words. Very hip. One thing we can all be thankful for is that the family man hasn’t lost his street roots or mainstream savvy. He has included a marijuana song, “Zig Zag Stories,” that lets everyone know how much dope the Iceman can toke. Apparently he’s got a “lifetime supply, and (he) wants to get you high.” Awdsome. He basically just retells the story you heard a thousand times when you lived in the dorms. The one where the dude, in this case Vanilla Ice, has just put down a 6-pack and a fat joint and this girl tries to get up in the Iceman’s, business. The Iceman was down dude. The song ends with a tripped out mon tage of coughing. Apparently the Iceman can’t handle it The rhinestone gem of this album is a remake ofVanilla’s hit “Ice, Ice Baby,” only this one is called “Too Cold.” Maybe ‘Too Old” would’ve been more fitting. It’s full of spotty thick and heavy death-rock riffs ami digital noises with the same words rapped over the new sounds. If anything less than the best is a felony, you’d better lock this guy up. He should get the chair for this crap. In the beginning, this album was pretty funny. Who couldn’t find the comedy in a song called “Prozac” where the chorus sings “We gets crazy like Prozac, hypin’ up to start a party, and nearly has a heart attack.” But by the end it’s just annoying and sickening. The same lame elements litter every song, and his rapping style is just the same rhyme scheme through and through. I hate to say it, but I’d rather listen to Word to your mother. -Jason Hardy Cake “Prolonging the Magic” Capricorn Records Grade: JH After buying Cake’s last release, “Fashion Nugget,” for that punchy song “The Distance,” listening to tire rest of the album was a pleasant surprise because of its consistent flow from start to finish. So when Capricorn sent out an advance copy of the Los Angeles based pop-rocker’s third full-length album, “Prolonging the Magic,” a monthago, it immediately went into the stereo atanaximum volume with great expectations. Unfortunately, “Prolonging the \ ... .-.^Vi^rajaarajJMfllhML mlUiuMyi Vanilla Ice Photo Courtesy of Republic Records fr»U*tk* •. /‘V mf: <$■* i- ' 3 - ■.■ .•’?-*■